How to help a friend on dating sites

January 26, 2024 10:26 AM

I want to help a friend search through dating profiles to assist her in matching with people. Catch: we live hours away from each other.

She says that if she goes on Match.com we can use our computers to see the same screens, but she doesn't want to limit herself to Masctch.How can she look at profiles on her phone while I do the same? Zoom screen share seems unwieldy? Could we be logged into her account on two phones at the same time?

Secondary question: any suggestions for good dating sites for a woman (cis,straight,white)NYC area) in her 50's who has an advanced degree, job that uses that degree, divorced, no kids?

posted by DMelanogaster to Computers & Internet (10 answers total)

Can you clarify what you mean by zoom screen share seeming unwieldy? I think the easiest thing to do would be to share screens on whatever device you two would prefer to use anyways (either phone or computer) using your video chat platform of choice (Zoom, FaceTime, google meet, whatever). That's assuming you'd like the dynamic of talking through profiles together - if you'd rather prescreen candidates for her or something, then perhaps logging into her account yourself is the better move.
posted by mosst at 10:49 AM on January 26 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I don't see why you wouldn't just be able to log into the same account on two phones. You would both download the app, she would make her profiles, then you would log into her account using her phone number (and she would have to share the code that's texted to her phone).

Some of the apps have a "share" function where you can share profiles with friends, but it may require the friend to have their own account.

The big ones are Bumble, Hinge, and Tinder. OKCupid might also be good for her demographic.
posted by The Vintner of Our Disco Tent at 10:50 AM on January 26

I don't see why you wouldn't just be able to log into the same account on two phones. You would both download the app, she would make her profiles, then you would log into her account using her phone number (and she would have to share the code that's texted to her phone).

You could try this, but in my experience these apps aren't really designed for consistent usage across multiple devices. Like for instance if User A swipes on a profile, User B's device won't automatically update to reflect that, so lots of opportunity for confusion there.

I agree with moost -- screen share is the way if you want to do it together in real time, or use the "share profile" function or a browser's URL bar to pass profiles back and forth as links.
posted by Sauce Trough at 11:07 AM on January 26

Yes, sorry, I meant it would work asynchronously; if they want to look at profiles at the same time it would not be a good solution.
posted by The Vintner of Our Disco Tent at 12:38 PM on January 26

Any suggestions for good dating sites for a woman (cis,straight,white)NYC area) in her 50's who has an advanced degree, job that uses that degree, divorced, no kids?

Bumble and Hinge would be the go-to for this one. Tinder is good too, but I know some people are wary of Tinder given it's outdated reputation as an app for hook ups only. The truth is that all of the apps can work for hook ups and long term dating, depending on the interest of the people swiping.

I read somewhere once an argument that so many people are on multiple sites that it might make more sense to choose one only. Choose your own adventure, though, of course.

Also, one extra bit that might be surprising to her if she hasn't been on apps lately: if she's looking for monogamy, she might be surprised by the many, many profiles for non-monogamous men. If she does or doesn't want that, that's something to think about.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:08 PM on January 26

Lots of 40-50something career women on Hinge. And just to note that "search" has become a thing of the past (with occasional exceptions) on dating sites in the swipe era, and the filtering is done based on the parameters you set for yourself in your profile.

Hinge lets you specify non/monogamous and other things that are a bit more helpful than other sites.
posted by rhizome at 4:20 PM on January 26

Yeah, following up on rhizome, I just caught the bit about searching through profiles. Are you thinking of the OKCupid days? Now it's all about swiping. You can set filters for education levels, if she'd prefer, on Tinder and I believe on the other apps too. Of course you can filter for age, relationship type, etc.
posted by bluedaisy at 5:29 PM on January 26 [1 favorite]

Hey there. I used to work for Match in trust, safety, and security. Match and all the dating apps in its portfolio including Tinder and Hinge are able to tell when different IP addresses are using the same account and do pay attention when log in sessions are pretty distant because it's a spam/scam indicator. Their machine learning based security measures may flag your account and possibly shadow ban it depending on how many people you message and some other factors. This also applies to the web-based versions of each service.

Tinder has released a wingman feature called Matchmaker to most markets that allows to you swipe for your friends but not via the same account. It is likely the only safe way to "share" accounts on that app and that app only. Just something to keep in mind as you explore options.

Personally I recommend Bumble. It's not a Match Group property so I can't speak to its security measures but I am fairly certain they have the same capabilities when it comes to tracking log in session locations. It tends to be better for older daters IMO and the quality of matches is wildly better than OkCupid and Tinder. Tinder is more for Gen-Z, and the OkCupid is full of pretty gross older men with MAGA tendencies. I speak from experience as both an employee of Match Group and a millennial dater. I also recommend avoiding Plenty of Fish as it has been linked to some pretty heinous crimes over the past few years. YMMV.

Wishing your friend luck in her search! Online dating is hard but can yield prosperous rewards.
posted by The Adventure Begins at 11:21 AM on January 27 [1 favorite]

Hopefully I'm not suggesting the exact thing you've already tried...

I recommend you do a three way video call between:

1. you on your computer
2. her on her computer
3. her phone, set up so it is sharing its screen.

This way, on your computer, you can choose to see her face or her phone screen, or both at once. On her computer she can likewise choose one of those options.
posted by pickles_have_souls at 11:56 PM on January 27

Most apps have a web interface, including OKCupid, Bumble, Tinder. So whatever works for Match on the computer should work for those. Hinge and Coffee Meets Bagel are the two main ones which do not have a web interface, you can only use them on your phone (or an iPhone/Android emulator).
posted by catquas at 1:00 PM on January 29