Do you REALLY mean that?
May 8, 2006 1:24 PM Subscribe
How do you follow up on politely given invitations?
You know what I'm talking about - an invitation for a get-together or whatnot given by an acquaintance you see occasionally at a social gathering.
Personal examples: a fellow mom I've met at a mutual friend's baby shower said, "Hey, bring your kids over and we'll all have a good time!", and a friends' aunt I met at a birthday party said, "If you want to learn more about knitting, call me up!"
I tend to second-guess invitations like these and wonder if they were given in the spirit of the moment, and nothing else. But admittedly, I am on the shy side, and I feel more than a little nervous about initiating things. (I'm afraid I'd get there with the person and have nothing to talk about.)
So, are these invitations like these to be read as just being nice in the moment, or are they genuine? If they are genuine, what's the best way to pursue?
You know what I'm talking about - an invitation for a get-together or whatnot given by an acquaintance you see occasionally at a social gathering.
Personal examples: a fellow mom I've met at a mutual friend's baby shower said, "Hey, bring your kids over and we'll all have a good time!", and a friends' aunt I met at a birthday party said, "If you want to learn more about knitting, call me up!"
I tend to second-guess invitations like these and wonder if they were given in the spirit of the moment, and nothing else. But admittedly, I am on the shy side, and I feel more than a little nervous about initiating things. (I'm afraid I'd get there with the person and have nothing to talk about.)
So, are these invitations like these to be read as just being nice in the moment, or are they genuine? If they are genuine, what's the best way to pursue?
I think different people see these differently, which is not a big surprise. For example, I have a friend who when someone says 'we should get together for dinner' sees that as a binding contract. He's calling you up or emailing and saying 'when?' I always mean it when I extend an invitation like that, I just sometimes suck at the follow-through part. So, yeah, call and make a plan but always be ready for protracted negotiations.
posted by fixedgear at 1:40 PM on May 8, 2006
posted by fixedgear at 1:40 PM on May 8, 2006
I say things like that all the time and always mean them. I'll especially say them to shy folks because I think sometimes it's important to make an overt gesture, more often than not I'll ask for their email/phone if I want to see them again knowing that it may not be their way to call up a near stranger. I think the thing that goes along with that is knowing that people with open door policies can sometimes be busy (exactly as fixedgear says) so following up with specifics "I'm free on Friday for lunch" instead of "when would you like to see me?" is always helpful. I'll also often plan things with multiple people, so if you're more of a one-on-one person, it might be good to make that known early on in case your new friend says something like "well a bunch of us aree getting together to knit over at the pub" and you're still not sure if she means you directly.
posted by jessamyn at 1:53 PM on May 8, 2006
posted by jessamyn at 1:53 PM on May 8, 2006
"So, are these invitations like these to be read as just being nice in the moment, or are they genuine?"
Usually both. It is the spirit of the moment that opens up a window of opportunity for people to overcome natural reticence and make new friends. I try to follow up quickly with a phone call or email, and be open to making a definite plan. If it doesn't come off, I will often follow up with one or two invites to the person to join a group activity with my circle of friends before I write them off.
posted by Manjusri at 2:09 PM on May 8, 2006
Usually both. It is the spirit of the moment that opens up a window of opportunity for people to overcome natural reticence and make new friends. I try to follow up quickly with a phone call or email, and be open to making a definite plan. If it doesn't come off, I will often follow up with one or two invites to the person to join a group activity with my circle of friends before I write them off.
posted by Manjusri at 2:09 PM on May 8, 2006
This has been a problem for a friend of mine. I'll say "I'd love to go to McDonald's sometime this week - I might have time on Tuesday." Tuesday comes and goes, and I didn't have any free time. I'll go about my happy life, but at some point it'll come up that my friend is going ballistic because we "had plans" for Tuesday, he didn't eat all day in anticipation of going to McDonalds, and I never called! So he's starting to think my invitations are hollow, but they aren't. We just have different interpretations of it. I mean it when I said that I'd like to get together, but in my mind it doesn't get to the point that we have plans unless a specific meeting time is established.
Odds are, people wouldn't throw out an invite if they didn't mean it. Give them a call - I've discovered we're all a bit insecure and hesitant to put ourselves out there, but some of us just deal with it better than others. We all want to be liked. Call and follow up on the invitation - nothing ventured, nothing gained!
posted by Iamtherealme at 2:10 PM on May 8, 2006
Odds are, people wouldn't throw out an invite if they didn't mean it. Give them a call - I've discovered we're all a bit insecure and hesitant to put ourselves out there, but some of us just deal with it better than others. We all want to be liked. Call and follow up on the invitation - nothing ventured, nothing gained!
posted by Iamtherealme at 2:10 PM on May 8, 2006
I mostly mean those invitations when I saw them, but I've also developed a habit of blurting them out when I'm faced with someone I just want to get away from. It's like I'm so focussed on getting away from the annoying person, my brain makes these offers to distract them so I can escape. Then two days later Annoying Person is calling me up saying, "So which day did you want to go out to dinner?" Not that I'm saying you're annoying; just that every so often a weaselly person might throw one of these invites out when they don't really mean it.
I think the key thing to do on your end is not to imply that you, like, immediately wrote it down in your planner or something. Ring them up a sufficient length of time later and be like, "Oh, you mentioned maybe getting together. Still interested in that?" as opposed to, "I went out and bought a special outfit for our dinner. I'm thinking Saturday!" At least that way you give them an out.
posted by web-goddess at 2:13 PM on May 8, 2006
I think the key thing to do on your end is not to imply that you, like, immediately wrote it down in your planner or something. Ring them up a sufficient length of time later and be like, "Oh, you mentioned maybe getting together. Still interested in that?" as opposed to, "I went out and bought a special outfit for our dinner. I'm thinking Saturday!" At least that way you give them an out.
posted by web-goddess at 2:13 PM on May 8, 2006
I think that both of your offers sound genuine, because they are so specific. Generally, I don't take anyone too seriously when they say something like, "We should get together sometime," or "We ought to hang out more often." I take comments like that as a nice way of acknowledging that we like each other, but don't have time or room in our lives to get together frequently. I smile and nod enthusiastically, but plans never get made.
On the other hand, an offer of a future playdate, or a knitting get-together, expresses a desire to do something specific with you. Call them up -- make some plans.
posted by junkbox at 2:40 PM on May 8, 2006
On the other hand, an offer of a future playdate, or a knitting get-together, expresses a desire to do something specific with you. Call them up -- make some plans.
posted by junkbox at 2:40 PM on May 8, 2006
I'm really surprised that most of y'all actually *mean* it when you give a general invitation. I've found in practice that if someone doesn't give you an actual date/time/meeting place/invite, it generally doesn't happen and they're just being nice in the spirit of the moment.
Actually, a friend of mine said the other day, "We should take a trip to Disneyland together!" I said, "Great! When? I'm free so far this summer!" Then she promptly backed out of the whole thing (I'll spare you the story, but it had nothing to do with me personally) and changed it to "maybe in a year." I think it's never going to happen. And another time I got an e-mail from a former coworker, inviting me and about 50,000 others on the list to her wedding. I never actually got any kind of date/time/location invitation for such, though, so clearly it wasn't meant for *me* to go.
I'd say that if someone gives you a general "call me up!" on the spur of the moment invite, take it with a grain of salt and some fair assumption that it won't happen. If they are more specific, then you can take it seriously that they invited you. If they don't, it may be more that they want YOU to set plans for them in order for you to get together.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:08 PM on May 8, 2006
Actually, a friend of mine said the other day, "We should take a trip to Disneyland together!" I said, "Great! When? I'm free so far this summer!" Then she promptly backed out of the whole thing (I'll spare you the story, but it had nothing to do with me personally) and changed it to "maybe in a year." I think it's never going to happen. And another time I got an e-mail from a former coworker, inviting me and about 50,000 others on the list to her wedding. I never actually got any kind of date/time/location invitation for such, though, so clearly it wasn't meant for *me* to go.
I'd say that if someone gives you a general "call me up!" on the spur of the moment invite, take it with a grain of salt and some fair assumption that it won't happen. If they are more specific, then you can take it seriously that they invited you. If they don't, it may be more that they want YOU to set plans for them in order for you to get together.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:08 PM on May 8, 2006
If I'm insecure about making the first move, I put the onus back on them by giving (or regiving) them my contact information and the best time to contact me. For example:
"Let's get the kids together!"
"I'd love to! Here's my number and my e-mail. We're kind of busy the next couple of weeks. Why don't you go home, check your calendar and let me know if you have any free days toward the end of the month? Maybe a Thursday morning?"
That way, I've let them know that I'm serious, but they still have an out in case they weren't.
posted by jrossi4r at 4:11 PM on May 8, 2006
"Let's get the kids together!"
"I'd love to! Here's my number and my e-mail. We're kind of busy the next couple of weeks. Why don't you go home, check your calendar and let me know if you have any free days toward the end of the month? Maybe a Thursday morning?"
That way, I've let them know that I'm serious, but they still have an out in case they weren't.
posted by jrossi4r at 4:11 PM on May 8, 2006
Both invites sound genuine, like people who are enthusiastic about a particular activity and would enjoy your company at it. The loose phrasing just puts the ball into your court. Perhaps they've noticed your shyness, and are trying to make the overture less pressured ("You should join my knitting group!"). If you're not interested, don't worry about it; if you are, definitely call. "Hey, you mentioned __ a while back. Sounds like fun. I'd love to get together if you've still got time." You've left them some room to back out gracefully if necessary, but I bet you end up with some fun new activity partners.
If you're ever seriously in doubt, use politeness as the excuse to probe for more info. "Gee, it was nice of you to invite the kids over to your house. Thanks again. The children seem to believe the invitation was [for parents too|any time], but I wanted to run that by you first. We wouldn't want to intrude on your lovely home when you weren't expecting company!"
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 4:14 PM on May 8, 2006
If you're ever seriously in doubt, use politeness as the excuse to probe for more info. "Gee, it was nice of you to invite the kids over to your house. Thanks again. The children seem to believe the invitation was [for parents too|any time], but I wanted to run that by you first. We wouldn't want to intrude on your lovely home when you weren't expecting company!"
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 4:14 PM on May 8, 2006
I agree that these are probably sincere. I've actually offered to teach people to knit numerous times (and meant it), but I don't have much of an incentive to be the one to follow-up. After all, I already know how to knit... I would love it, though, if someone took me up on the offer -- it would give me a nice excuse to spend time with the person while doing something creative.
posted by bigd at 5:42 PM on May 8, 2006
posted by bigd at 5:42 PM on May 8, 2006
My answer comes too late for invitations that have already been casually made and received, but you might find it helpful in the future. When someone says, "Let's do some tie-dye sometime" and seems to mean it, I say, "Sounds great! Here's my number." I give them my card and write "Let's tie-dye" on it. Then they can conveniently forget about it if they think better of the idea. I don't ask for their number or email.
I do the same if I'm the one doing the inviting -- I give them my info and leave it up to them. If, in either situation, they turn around and give me their contact info, then I feel comfortable actually taking them up on their suggestion.
posted by wryly at 6:17 PM on May 8, 2006
I do the same if I'm the one doing the inviting -- I give them my info and leave it up to them. If, in either situation, they turn around and give me their contact info, then I feel comfortable actually taking them up on their suggestion.
posted by wryly at 6:17 PM on May 8, 2006
In terms of practical advice for responding, I like ThePinkSuperhero's idea of inviting *them* out, even if they issued the original invite (so it doesn't sound like you're inviting yourself over). That way you're being nice, and they may very well respond with "No, you don't have to make room at your place, just bring the kids/your knitting over here."
But I think it makes it less awkward to follow up if you think of it as you issuing a new invitation, rather than cashing in on a vague one someone else issued.
posted by occhiblu at 10:42 PM on May 8, 2006
But I think it makes it less awkward to follow up if you think of it as you issuing a new invitation, rather than cashing in on a vague one someone else issued.
posted by occhiblu at 10:42 PM on May 8, 2006
I agree that these are probably sincere. I've actually offered to teach people to knit numerous times (and meant it), but I don't have much of an incentive to be the one to follow-up. After all, I already know how to knit... I would love it, though, if someone took me up on the offer -- it would give me a nice excuse to spend time with the person while doing something creative.
Bingo. I always offer to teach people things - usually computer or photography related - as a get-together. I do this because, you know, I love doing those things and they're often better when other people are involved.
People rarely take me up on it unless they have a deadline (which might be months after I offer or, in the most recent case, days before I left the country). As such, I've almost completely stopped offering.
posted by fake at 11:04 PM on May 8, 2006
Bingo. I always offer to teach people things - usually computer or photography related - as a get-together. I do this because, you know, I love doing those things and they're often better when other people are involved.
People rarely take me up on it unless they have a deadline (which might be months after I offer or, in the most recent case, days before I left the country). As such, I've almost completely stopped offering.
posted by fake at 11:04 PM on May 8, 2006
Also, consider the nationality of the person issuing the invitation. Having lived in London, I remember that 50% of the time this was a pleasantry and NOT to be followed up on.
posted by mozhet at 11:27 PM on May 8, 2006
posted by mozhet at 11:27 PM on May 8, 2006
This thread is closed to new comments.
I say, follow-up with an e-mail and say, Hey, great to see you, we should get together! How about dinner at my house, and you bring your knitting and show me what to do?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:30 PM on May 8, 2006 [1 favorite]