A me too moment in a friend group
January 19, 2024 11:13 AM Subscribe
Please help me navigate the drama of sexual abuse (?) in a friend group from an emotional point of view. Relevant trigger warnings apply.
Long story short, a man from my friend group (while drunk and out of the blue) groped (badly) and physically restrained a woman, also from the same friend group. It happened in their shared apartment, where they lived together as housemates and friends. In the aftermath, the woman stated that she can't continue living with him, the guy refused to move out for some obscure reasons and she ended up having to look for a new place.
I am disgusted by the abusers behaviour and reaction, and have cut him out of my life and given lots of support to the victim. Somehow, this very much not-in-a-gray-area event has resulted in a very split reaction from the rest of the friend group. It's a messy situation to navigate - there's the abusers sister, her husband, childhood besties, exes, long friendship histories, etc. There has been victim-blaming, statements that the victim overreacted, guilt trips, pushing for the victim to not move out, lack of support for the victim, pity parties for the abuser, the whole shabang. I thought this sort of thing happened to other people, but here it is, right in my bubble.
I find myself unable to get over the cognitive and emotional dissonance this has caused for me. The behaviours of some of the involved parties are against my core values and principles. I keep thinking, what if it was me. I don't know how to look them in the eye, how to grieve this loss of people I have known for half of my life, how to respond when they try to reach out, how to move on knowing they are who they are. I have been on support mode, as I am very close to the victim, but I don't know how to take care of my own feelings. I have experienced sexual abuse myself, which probably has something to do with my emotional distress.
I am looking for:
1) resources for people in my shoes - bystanders, not victims;
2) stories of how others have dealt with such a fallout.
Long story short, a man from my friend group (while drunk and out of the blue) groped (badly) and physically restrained a woman, also from the same friend group. It happened in their shared apartment, where they lived together as housemates and friends. In the aftermath, the woman stated that she can't continue living with him, the guy refused to move out for some obscure reasons and she ended up having to look for a new place.
I am disgusted by the abusers behaviour and reaction, and have cut him out of my life and given lots of support to the victim. Somehow, this very much not-in-a-gray-area event has resulted in a very split reaction from the rest of the friend group. It's a messy situation to navigate - there's the abusers sister, her husband, childhood besties, exes, long friendship histories, etc. There has been victim-blaming, statements that the victim overreacted, guilt trips, pushing for the victim to not move out, lack of support for the victim, pity parties for the abuser, the whole shabang. I thought this sort of thing happened to other people, but here it is, right in my bubble.
I find myself unable to get over the cognitive and emotional dissonance this has caused for me. The behaviours of some of the involved parties are against my core values and principles. I keep thinking, what if it was me. I don't know how to look them in the eye, how to grieve this loss of people I have known for half of my life, how to respond when they try to reach out, how to move on knowing they are who they are. I have been on support mode, as I am very close to the victim, but I don't know how to take care of my own feelings. I have experienced sexual abuse myself, which probably has something to do with my emotional distress.
I am looking for:
1) resources for people in my shoes - bystanders, not victims;
2) stories of how others have dealt with such a fallout.
Read about Chanel Contos and her book Consent Laid Bare. There is an overview here.
From the overview:
"Chanel Contos argues that when it comes to sex, we are still working with an outdated social contract that privileges men’s pleasure at the expense of women’s humanity.
Consent Laid Bare challenges the lingering inequality that reinforces this behaviour. It asks if consent is possible in a world where female sexuality has been hijacked by forces such as porn, patriarchy and male entitlement. It gives girls and women the encouragement to seek sex that is truly enjoyable and equips them with the information they need to properly consent. It asks boys and men to become advocates for sex centered around intimacy rather than fuelled by aggression."
She also started the website and activist group https://www.teachusconsent.com/.
From the website:
"In February 2021, Chanel Contos posted an Instagram story asking followers if they or someone close to them had been sexually assaulted by someone when they were at school. Within 24 hours, over 200 people replied ‘yes’.
Overwhelmed, but unsurprised by the response, Chanel launched a petition calling for more holistic and earlier consent education in Australia, as well as teachusconsent.com, a platform where people could share anonymous testimonies of sexual assault.
The petition, which gathered over 44,000 signatures, and a further 6,600 personal stories of sexual assault were presented to MPs around the country to advocate for this critical education to be included in the national curriculum."
None of this will change what's happening in your friend group, but it can give you some context for how you might think about and approach the issue as well as an idea of just how HUGE and pervasive this is.
posted by lulu68 at 3:52 PM on January 19 [2 favorites]
From the overview:
"Chanel Contos argues that when it comes to sex, we are still working with an outdated social contract that privileges men’s pleasure at the expense of women’s humanity.
Consent Laid Bare challenges the lingering inequality that reinforces this behaviour. It asks if consent is possible in a world where female sexuality has been hijacked by forces such as porn, patriarchy and male entitlement. It gives girls and women the encouragement to seek sex that is truly enjoyable and equips them with the information they need to properly consent. It asks boys and men to become advocates for sex centered around intimacy rather than fuelled by aggression."
She also started the website and activist group https://www.teachusconsent.com/.
From the website:
"In February 2021, Chanel Contos posted an Instagram story asking followers if they or someone close to them had been sexually assaulted by someone when they were at school. Within 24 hours, over 200 people replied ‘yes’.
Overwhelmed, but unsurprised by the response, Chanel launched a petition calling for more holistic and earlier consent education in Australia, as well as teachusconsent.com, a platform where people could share anonymous testimonies of sexual assault.
The petition, which gathered over 44,000 signatures, and a further 6,600 personal stories of sexual assault were presented to MPs around the country to advocate for this critical education to be included in the national curriculum."
None of this will change what's happening in your friend group, but it can give you some context for how you might think about and approach the issue as well as an idea of just how HUGE and pervasive this is.
posted by lulu68 at 3:52 PM on January 19 [2 favorites]
One thing that is worth doing before you cut ties with people is to check that they have an accurate version of the assault, and not just the perpetrator's self serving spin on things.
It is quite possible that the perpetrator has told them a pack of lies, and that some people would react differently if they had an accurate knowledge of what actually happened.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 7:06 PM on January 19 [4 favorites]
It is quite possible that the perpetrator has told them a pack of lies, and that some people would react differently if they had an accurate knowledge of what actually happened.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 7:06 PM on January 19 [4 favorites]
This is a kind of moral injury, connected with how you see the world and people. I don’t know how to reply without passing on some cynicism and doing harm to your sense of justice. But I think basically that most people will do anything, ignore any fact, deny any truth to defend those they *like*.
Look at Trump. The energy driving his base is completely irrational. Reasoning or ethics have nothing really to do with that.
Consider the many stories of mothers who ignored their daughters’ stories of abuse so they could keep a partner they wanted to keep, for love or money.
Lucy Letby was a neonatal nurse who killed seven babies (and wanted to kill six others). Some around her raised concerns; Letby was protected by management because they just liked her, until the facts became unignorable.
Women victims get lots of hate when it comes to abuse, and especially from women sometimes, because other women need to feel that the world is safer than it is, ie if something happens to a woman, it’s because she must have done something wrong, is a liar, a this, a that. Because if a victim is a liar, then those around her are safe or capable of protecting themselves, and/or men as a group can be seen as trustworthy, no one has to upend anything, and so the victim is made to suffer to keep the social order. That and most women have experienced and normalized abuse (hence it not being a “big deal”). Judgement of the victim is rooted in internalized misogyny and existential threat. There’s a literature on this in social psychology, it’s called “system justification” (“cognitive dissonance” is useful too if you’re searching.)
Rail at this because it sucks. Also possible to have compassion for women judging other women, because we’re all steeped in misogyny, brainwashed from day one.
(As far as men defending the abuser, different dynamics obviously and maybe a less painful experience, because it’s kind of expected, from a certain POV.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:41 PM on January 19 [9 favorites]
Look at Trump. The energy driving his base is completely irrational. Reasoning or ethics have nothing really to do with that.
Consider the many stories of mothers who ignored their daughters’ stories of abuse so they could keep a partner they wanted to keep, for love or money.
Lucy Letby was a neonatal nurse who killed seven babies (and wanted to kill six others). Some around her raised concerns; Letby was protected by management because they just liked her, until the facts became unignorable.
Women victims get lots of hate when it comes to abuse, and especially from women sometimes, because other women need to feel that the world is safer than it is, ie if something happens to a woman, it’s because she must have done something wrong, is a liar, a this, a that. Because if a victim is a liar, then those around her are safe or capable of protecting themselves, and/or men as a group can be seen as trustworthy, no one has to upend anything, and so the victim is made to suffer to keep the social order. That and most women have experienced and normalized abuse (hence it not being a “big deal”). Judgement of the victim is rooted in internalized misogyny and existential threat. There’s a literature on this in social psychology, it’s called “system justification” (“cognitive dissonance” is useful too if you’re searching.)
Rail at this because it sucks. Also possible to have compassion for women judging other women, because we’re all steeped in misogyny, brainwashed from day one.
(As far as men defending the abuser, different dynamics obviously and maybe a less painful experience, because it’s kind of expected, from a certain POV.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:41 PM on January 19 [9 favorites]
She has a case for assault and I'd have filed a police report and considered a retraining order, forcing him to move. Losing their home is a further loss of power and control/ forcing them to move is further power and control. Contact the Violence Against Women advocates in your area, ask for the academic information about victim-blaming and share that. Is there a course on Domestic Violence available? Take it. Facts will help some. Frame it clearly as assault and domestic violence. I would consistently comment that the abuser needs to address their alcohol abuse, as they have committed a violent crime wile drunk. She could consider a civil suit to recover costs of therapy and moving. There are probably speakers on the topic, find someone good, ask the library to sponsor a talk, invite the group.
I filed suit against someone who harmed me in a different scenario, it was settled for not a lot of money, but it gave me some sense of vindication and some regain of control of my life. The process was difficult; mud was flung, in quantity. Events like this steal your mojo, which is hard to regain.
posted by theora55 at 6:54 AM on January 20 [5 favorites]
I filed suit against someone who harmed me in a different scenario, it was settled for not a lot of money, but it gave me some sense of vindication and some regain of control of my life. The process was difficult; mud was flung, in quantity. Events like this steal your mojo, which is hard to regain.
posted by theora55 at 6:54 AM on January 20 [5 favorites]
Captain Awkward discusses creeps/missing stairs in friend groups here
posted by brujita at 11:42 AM on January 20
posted by brujita at 11:42 AM on January 20
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I talk to my therapist about it a lot.
posted by RedEmma at 11:32 AM on January 19