Etiquette for treating a friend (of a couple) for birthdays?
January 4, 2024 7:11 PM Subscribe
I have many friends who are married/in a couple, and I often struggle to figure out the best way to treat them for their birthdays without leaving out the other person in the couple. What are good ways to work around this?
For example, with Friend Couple, Z's birthday is way later in August, while Y's is coming up this month. When I'm with Friend Couple, we usually are always together, the three of us (plus any kids if relevant). It's at this point that I would love to treat Y to ice cream or dessert, but struggle to do so in a way to not leave out Z. I usually work around this by just treating both, at both times (for Y and Z's birthdays, respectively) or giving a gift card to Y. Sometimes Z, themselves, bow out by saying they don't want dessert (probably to help avoid awkwardness), but sometimes they don't, and I feel bad for leaving one out, so wind up treating both.
I know gift cards are always a possibility, but there's just something special about treating them right there in person.
How do you typically navigate this kind of situation in person (especially if you were single and they were a couple)? I don't mind treating both at both times, but it does add up financially and as I have some bucket list travels I want to do, I'd love your input on a thoughtful way that does not exclude anyone, and is still in person, not in the form of gift cards.
Thanks!
For example, with Friend Couple, Z's birthday is way later in August, while Y's is coming up this month. When I'm with Friend Couple, we usually are always together, the three of us (plus any kids if relevant). It's at this point that I would love to treat Y to ice cream or dessert, but struggle to do so in a way to not leave out Z. I usually work around this by just treating both, at both times (for Y and Z's birthdays, respectively) or giving a gift card to Y. Sometimes Z, themselves, bow out by saying they don't want dessert (probably to help avoid awkwardness), but sometimes they don't, and I feel bad for leaving one out, so wind up treating both.
I know gift cards are always a possibility, but there's just something special about treating them right there in person.
How do you typically navigate this kind of situation in person (especially if you were single and they were a couple)? I don't mind treating both at both times, but it does add up financially and as I have some bucket list travels I want to do, I'd love your input on a thoughtful way that does not exclude anyone, and is still in person, not in the form of gift cards.
Thanks!
It's at this point that I would love to treat Y to ice cream or dessert, but struggle to do so in a way to not leave out Z.
So involve Z? Take them aside and ask them what sort of ice-cream or dessert Y likes. They're the partner, they might have some special insight. They are likely to be predisposed to make a fuss for their partner's birthday. I know I'd appreciate some help.
posted by pompomtom at 8:51 PM on January 4 [2 favorites]
So involve Z? Take them aside and ask them what sort of ice-cream or dessert Y likes. They're the partner, they might have some special insight. They are likely to be predisposed to make a fuss for their partner's birthday. I know I'd appreciate some help.
posted by pompomtom at 8:51 PM on January 4 [2 favorites]
Seems like you already get it. If you want to buy Z ice cream for their birthday, just treat everyone in the group. No awkwardness. Everyone will be happy. If one spouse invites you out to dinner for the other’s birthday, you can feel free to only offer to pay for the birthday spouse’s meal. If you do the inviting, you buy dinner for everyone.
Gifts are different. You can feel free to only buy a gift for the birthday person, unless the gift is best enjoyed with their spouse, like concert tickets. Then you buy for everyone.
posted by soy_renfield at 10:31 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]
Gifts are different. You can feel free to only buy a gift for the birthday person, unless the gift is best enjoyed with their spouse, like concert tickets. Then you buy for everyone.
posted by soy_renfield at 10:31 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]
Other options:
"Hey Z, let's take Y out for dessert and split the bill so we can treat Y for their birthday."
"Let's all (3 or 3 plus kids) do (our regular dinner plan) and then I'll take Y out for dessert just the two of us."
"Who's up for dessert? Y, I'll buy yours because it's your birthday."
I have done, "Your birthday is coming up! I'd like to take you to dinner to celebrate. Would you prefer just the two of us or to bring your spouse and kid?" If I just wanted to treat my friend, I'd say, "Let's go out just the two of us."
If you're comfortable getting silly with it, you can say, "Let's get dessert! I'm treating Y obviously. Z, you're on your own. :P" or "Z, you weren't born today so you're pulling your own weight for dessert."
posted by meemzi at 11:16 PM on January 4 [3 favorites]
"Hey Z, let's take Y out for dessert and split the bill so we can treat Y for their birthday."
"Let's all (3 or 3 plus kids) do (our regular dinner plan) and then I'll take Y out for dessert just the two of us."
"Who's up for dessert? Y, I'll buy yours because it's your birthday."
I have done, "Your birthday is coming up! I'd like to take you to dinner to celebrate. Would you prefer just the two of us or to bring your spouse and kid?" If I just wanted to treat my friend, I'd say, "Let's go out just the two of us."
If you're comfortable getting silly with it, you can say, "Let's get dessert! I'm treating Y obviously. Z, you're on your own. :P" or "Z, you weren't born today so you're pulling your own weight for dessert."
posted by meemzi at 11:16 PM on January 4 [3 favorites]
If you typically split checks by item when you go out, just let the couple know you'd like to get treat the birthday person to dessert/a drink/etc and ask the server to put that one on your tab.
If that doesn't work and you do want to propose going out to another place for ice cream or some other treat, then I'd encourage proposing that when you make plans and mentioning that you wanted to treat the birthday friend. Meemzi's language above has a few great samples.
posted by advicepig at 6:45 AM on January 5 [1 favorite]
If that doesn't work and you do want to propose going out to another place for ice cream or some other treat, then I'd encourage proposing that when you make plans and mentioning that you wanted to treat the birthday friend. Meemzi's language above has a few great samples.
posted by advicepig at 6:45 AM on January 5 [1 favorite]
As a child-free person, I find myself spending a fair bit of money and thoughtfulness on gifts for kids of friends, which is obviously not reciprocated. I'm okay with it because life can be like that. Sometimes my mother will way overspend on me, or my brother will cheap out on a Christmas gift. But that cheap scarf is one of my favourites!
So personally I would just absorb the extra cost as a part of my socialising budget, as if I had had an extra drink or got a taxi, and I wouldn't let it bother me. If I truly couldn't afford it, as in your case when prioritising travel, then on the next birthday I would casually say, "hey, Y, since it's your birthday, let me treat you to some ice cream!". At venue, I would just as casually say to Z, "hey, I'm not so flush at the moment, would you mind if I only cover Y today?". Smile. Repeat as needed until once again able to afford it.
posted by guessthis at 7:17 AM on January 5
So personally I would just absorb the extra cost as a part of my socialising budget, as if I had had an extra drink or got a taxi, and I wouldn't let it bother me. If I truly couldn't afford it, as in your case when prioritising travel, then on the next birthday I would casually say, "hey, Y, since it's your birthday, let me treat you to some ice cream!". At venue, I would just as casually say to Z, "hey, I'm not so flush at the moment, would you mind if I only cover Y today?". Smile. Repeat as needed until once again able to afford it.
posted by guessthis at 7:17 AM on January 5
I think it is totally fine to only pay for the birthday-haver and not their partner. I would actually find it quite strange if someone wanted to pay for my dinner/ice cream/drink if we were out celebrating my wife's birthday.
posted by Rock Steady at 12:34 PM on January 5 [4 favorites]
posted by Rock Steady at 12:34 PM on January 5 [4 favorites]
How about instead of going out, which adds to the cost, bring over some cookies or whatever to their place?
(And for the rest of the world, please normalize that couples don't need to do everything together; besides it affecting stuff like this, sometimes we only like one of you...)
posted by metasarah at 1:52 PM on January 8
(And for the rest of the world, please normalize that couples don't need to do everything together; besides it affecting stuff like this, sometimes we only like one of you...)
posted by metasarah at 1:52 PM on January 8
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Make something or pick up something to bring over specifically for them, rather than being out and about and then treating.
posted by raccoon409 at 8:19 PM on January 4 [2 favorites]