Ex boyfriend had physical fight with his family, how to safely get out?
December 28, 2023 3:34 PM Subscribe
Boyfriend had a huge fight with his parents and sister under a strong influence of alcohol. I need to find my way of settling it – I thought the easy way (blocking) might cause him to hurt himself while a soft way might give him false hope. I told him I no longer want to be in this relationship since he asked rightaway. How do I do this in a least damaging way that is safe for me? I created safety plan already but I am a foreigner here and I live alone.
After a few posts here I broke things off with a then-boyfriend who was manipulative, raging at me when drunk and made suicidal comments. During one year we knew each other he managed to get arrested for an argument with a policeman, beaten up by security at the festival, had public outburst in a bar because I was not paying enough attention to him and a few more. We stayed in touch, did not meet often and lived our own lives; he promised to stop drinking. He remained hopeful, it seems. I told him a few months ago that if he wants to continue, he needs to stop drinking and get help. He gave up therapy after 3 sessions and he continued drinking, first just a beer until a week later a cycle would repeat. He would have drunken rage directed towards me, yelling at me, calling me a coward and a liar (for being too tired after physically exhausting dog grooms as I was learning that during my in-between job phase and not visiting him as I promised). After I left, he often still acted like nothing happened, and I pointed it out sometimes that we are in a between stage where I am being extremely vigilant about his behavior.
Well here comes the day after Christmas, he went to his parents place and I stayed home alone. I received a call at 5.40am, he was crying and clearly drunk, saying his dog went missing. I got up immediately and shared missing dog on social media. I asked what happened and I could not understand anything except that his family assaulted him and his dog got scared.
I asked his family what is up. They claimed he came home in a drunken rage and directed it against them. He was hurt about some events with a highschool teacher bullying him and not being protected from it. As well as some discussion of inheritance they had earlier. So he yelled at them and wanted to go to sit in a car and go home, severely drunk. They tried to prevent him from it so he was hitting them to let him go. They tried to hold him on bed so he does not injure himself or anyone else, he was raging and hitting them, they all have bruises. They called a police on him but refused to file a report as he is getting a new job. He was taken to the hospital where they measured significant amount of alcohol in his blood, i got the document that said 2.44 promiles. When he came home, he took his stuff and left, dragging a dog behind him by force, she pooped from nervousness and ran away from him when they were outside. He could not find her for hours.
His version of events was that he came home and they asked him if he was on drugs, he said no and wanted to get away from them. They held him down not letting him go because they were afraid he would go to the police for some reason. Then they called he police on him and he went to the hospital, where everyone told him he was fine, his alcohol was 1.2 promiles and they did not know what the deal was. He told me he was just a tiny bit tipsy and they were abusing him, he was yelling for help and they tied him down and tried to silence him.
I received a voice recording made by the family, it sounded like exorcism, howling, high pitched screaming, the “i will tell police you killed me” (yeah, I dont know either) , throwing stuff etc. They forwarded him this footage as well.
As an aftermath, he still insists that they assaulted him and that every public outburst was not his fault. Every girlfriend he had, treated him terribly as well (I reached out to one of them and she told me about similar raging outbursts, especially when drunk, as well as about manipulations, guilt tripping, emotional blackmailing). He does not understand why I want nothing to do with him anymore at all because he did not hurt me directly. How he was not judging me for having low-to-no contact with my family and now I am judging him for defending himself. I asked him who do you think will be next object of his rage; he said definitely not me, he would never do anything to me and I have no right to judge him because he did not do anything to me directly. He asked me to cut the contact with his family members (although I hardly spoke to them until after this incident). He said that drinking was the only time he does not constantly think of his teachers bullying, but despite that makes him a worse person and he drank because he wanted to have fun with his friends.
He does not know I heard the footage, talked to his family or ex about the incident and saw the reports. His ex went to meet him where he accused her of destroying our relationship, how she treated him awfully, how their relationship was, what did they do wrong etc. He called me later and when I asked what was he doing all day, he obviously did not mention meeting her either. He still insists on being just tipsy and that it should concern me the way they fought in the family.
I received a lot of messages next day about him being severely suicidal, how I am the only one he has left, that he does not think therapy could help him as he is beyond repair. If i thought he was so awful why did i not help him. I am abandoning him in this dark hour and he has no one left.
A day later he apologized about dragging me into the relationship when he was not ready and he was a mess, that he thought he is a good and healthy person and he is not. That he would be happy to stay friends and if I could watch his dog for 5 months while he is away for new job training if he will not find any other way.
I no longer intend to be with this person, even though it hurts; both the true colors he kept showing me and the fact that his behavior caused him to lose a lot. It hurts being unable to help or make him see how this is a problem. I feel like a failure, in a way, but I know this is my issues talking. There is also a devil whispering in my ear that I am a hypocrite for advocating sticking together in relationship also in dark times and "giving up" now. But now I need to find my way of settling it – I thought the easy way (blocking) might cause him to hurt himself while a soft way might give him false hope. I told him I no longer want to be in this relationship since he asked rightaway. How do I do this in a least damaging way that is safe for me? I created safety plan already but since we did not live together, it might not be as vital.
After a few posts here I broke things off with a then-boyfriend who was manipulative, raging at me when drunk and made suicidal comments. During one year we knew each other he managed to get arrested for an argument with a policeman, beaten up by security at the festival, had public outburst in a bar because I was not paying enough attention to him and a few more. We stayed in touch, did not meet often and lived our own lives; he promised to stop drinking. He remained hopeful, it seems. I told him a few months ago that if he wants to continue, he needs to stop drinking and get help. He gave up therapy after 3 sessions and he continued drinking, first just a beer until a week later a cycle would repeat. He would have drunken rage directed towards me, yelling at me, calling me a coward and a liar (for being too tired after physically exhausting dog grooms as I was learning that during my in-between job phase and not visiting him as I promised). After I left, he often still acted like nothing happened, and I pointed it out sometimes that we are in a between stage where I am being extremely vigilant about his behavior.
Well here comes the day after Christmas, he went to his parents place and I stayed home alone. I received a call at 5.40am, he was crying and clearly drunk, saying his dog went missing. I got up immediately and shared missing dog on social media. I asked what happened and I could not understand anything except that his family assaulted him and his dog got scared.
I asked his family what is up. They claimed he came home in a drunken rage and directed it against them. He was hurt about some events with a highschool teacher bullying him and not being protected from it. As well as some discussion of inheritance they had earlier. So he yelled at them and wanted to go to sit in a car and go home, severely drunk. They tried to prevent him from it so he was hitting them to let him go. They tried to hold him on bed so he does not injure himself or anyone else, he was raging and hitting them, they all have bruises. They called a police on him but refused to file a report as he is getting a new job. He was taken to the hospital where they measured significant amount of alcohol in his blood, i got the document that said 2.44 promiles. When he came home, he took his stuff and left, dragging a dog behind him by force, she pooped from nervousness and ran away from him when they were outside. He could not find her for hours.
His version of events was that he came home and they asked him if he was on drugs, he said no and wanted to get away from them. They held him down not letting him go because they were afraid he would go to the police for some reason. Then they called he police on him and he went to the hospital, where everyone told him he was fine, his alcohol was 1.2 promiles and they did not know what the deal was. He told me he was just a tiny bit tipsy and they were abusing him, he was yelling for help and they tied him down and tried to silence him.
I received a voice recording made by the family, it sounded like exorcism, howling, high pitched screaming, the “i will tell police you killed me” (yeah, I dont know either) , throwing stuff etc. They forwarded him this footage as well.
As an aftermath, he still insists that they assaulted him and that every public outburst was not his fault. Every girlfriend he had, treated him terribly as well (I reached out to one of them and she told me about similar raging outbursts, especially when drunk, as well as about manipulations, guilt tripping, emotional blackmailing). He does not understand why I want nothing to do with him anymore at all because he did not hurt me directly. How he was not judging me for having low-to-no contact with my family and now I am judging him for defending himself. I asked him who do you think will be next object of his rage; he said definitely not me, he would never do anything to me and I have no right to judge him because he did not do anything to me directly. He asked me to cut the contact with his family members (although I hardly spoke to them until after this incident). He said that drinking was the only time he does not constantly think of his teachers bullying, but despite that makes him a worse person and he drank because he wanted to have fun with his friends.
He does not know I heard the footage, talked to his family or ex about the incident and saw the reports. His ex went to meet him where he accused her of destroying our relationship, how she treated him awfully, how their relationship was, what did they do wrong etc. He called me later and when I asked what was he doing all day, he obviously did not mention meeting her either. He still insists on being just tipsy and that it should concern me the way they fought in the family.
I received a lot of messages next day about him being severely suicidal, how I am the only one he has left, that he does not think therapy could help him as he is beyond repair. If i thought he was so awful why did i not help him. I am abandoning him in this dark hour and he has no one left.
A day later he apologized about dragging me into the relationship when he was not ready and he was a mess, that he thought he is a good and healthy person and he is not. That he would be happy to stay friends and if I could watch his dog for 5 months while he is away for new job training if he will not find any other way.
I no longer intend to be with this person, even though it hurts; both the true colors he kept showing me and the fact that his behavior caused him to lose a lot. It hurts being unable to help or make him see how this is a problem. I feel like a failure, in a way, but I know this is my issues talking. There is also a devil whispering in my ear that I am a hypocrite for advocating sticking together in relationship also in dark times and "giving up" now. But now I need to find my way of settling it – I thought the easy way (blocking) might cause him to hurt himself while a soft way might give him false hope. I told him I no longer want to be in this relationship since he asked rightaway. How do I do this in a least damaging way that is safe for me? I created safety plan already but since we did not live together, it might not be as vital.
Hi friend, I am so so proud of you for breaking up with this man who seems hell bent on destroying your life.
Here is the thing though: none of this, NONE of this at all is your responsibility. That's the magic of breaking up. His dog is not your responsibility, his family is not your responsibility, his feelings are not your responsibility. You are obviously a very kind person with a big heart who wants to caretake the people in your life. But please, you have to see yourself as the #1 person in your life most in need of caretaking.
You take care of yourself and keep yourself safe by ending all contact with this man and his family. Completely. He will continue to try and manipulate you through any means available as long as you keep allowing him in. Block him on all devices and accounts, do not answer the door to him, do not answer his calls, do not engage with his family or ex girlfriends. Put your complete focus on the wonderful life you can have when you're free from him!
posted by phunniemee at 3:50 PM on December 28, 2023 [56 favorites]
Here is the thing though: none of this, NONE of this at all is your responsibility. That's the magic of breaking up. His dog is not your responsibility, his family is not your responsibility, his feelings are not your responsibility. You are obviously a very kind person with a big heart who wants to caretake the people in your life. But please, you have to see yourself as the #1 person in your life most in need of caretaking.
You take care of yourself and keep yourself safe by ending all contact with this man and his family. Completely. He will continue to try and manipulate you through any means available as long as you keep allowing him in. Block him on all devices and accounts, do not answer the door to him, do not answer his calls, do not engage with his family or ex girlfriends. Put your complete focus on the wonderful life you can have when you're free from him!
posted by phunniemee at 3:50 PM on December 28, 2023 [56 favorites]
“The way you do this” is to stop interacting with this man, period. Do not agree to keep his dog. Do not tell him you will get back together if he does therapy and stops drinking. Block his number and stop engaging with him. He has proven himself violent and untrustworthy AT BEST. The idea that you would endure all of this violence and chaos and still be worried about his feelings is something to work on with a professional therapist.
You’ve already told him you don’t want to be in a relationship. Now just stop talking. There’s nothing else to do. If he approaches you, call the police. If a restraining order is an option in your country, you could pursue that. Don’t waste another minute of your life on this person. He is not your responsibility.
posted by little mouth at 3:50 PM on December 28, 2023 [22 favorites]
You’ve already told him you don’t want to be in a relationship. Now just stop talking. There’s nothing else to do. If he approaches you, call the police. If a restraining order is an option in your country, you could pursue that. Don’t waste another minute of your life on this person. He is not your responsibility.
posted by little mouth at 3:50 PM on December 28, 2023 [22 favorites]
Leave him. Keep the dog (if you like the dog) because he will abuse her next if he hasn’t already.
posted by rednikki at 3:55 PM on December 28, 2023 [9 favorites]
posted by rednikki at 3:55 PM on December 28, 2023 [9 favorites]
How do I do this in a least damaging way that is safe for me?
The only damage to be concerned about is damage to you. This guy is going to do whatever he wants no matter what, and you need to remove yourself from his life entirely and with speed.
Threatening self harm is a common tactic for an abuser, it guilts the victim into sticking around longer. None of this is your fault and whatever he might or might not do is not something you can or should control.
If you are willing to share your general area, like nearest large city, chances are high another mefite will be able to share some organizations you can reach out to for help and support. The MeFi Wiki has a page you might find useful.
Don’t involve yourself with this guy’s family, his exes, his dog, anything. If you have a local friend who he does not know, spend a few nights with them when you go no-contact, because that is a very dangerous time to be alone at home for you.
posted by Mizu at 4:01 PM on December 28, 2023 [14 favorites]
The only damage to be concerned about is damage to you. This guy is going to do whatever he wants no matter what, and you need to remove yourself from his life entirely and with speed.
Threatening self harm is a common tactic for an abuser, it guilts the victim into sticking around longer. None of this is your fault and whatever he might or might not do is not something you can or should control.
If you are willing to share your general area, like nearest large city, chances are high another mefite will be able to share some organizations you can reach out to for help and support. The MeFi Wiki has a page you might find useful.
Don’t involve yourself with this guy’s family, his exes, his dog, anything. If you have a local friend who he does not know, spend a few nights with them when you go no-contact, because that is a very dangerous time to be alone at home for you.
posted by Mizu at 4:01 PM on December 28, 2023 [14 favorites]
Blocking him will be less damaging than other choices for you and for him. Don't give him a reason to not get over you/the relationship/no longer having easy access to abuse you.
posted by jacquilynne at 4:52 PM on December 28, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by jacquilynne at 4:52 PM on December 28, 2023 [5 favorites]
Good grief. How did you manage to get to this point?
He's a total wall of red flags and sounds extremely dangerous. You need to go total, complete, absolutely no contact with him, his family, his ex, and even the dog. He is an abuser. He could hurt you badly or even kill you. If he tries to contact you, you may need to get a restraining order. If he has keys to your residence, you need to change the locks. I disagree with rednikki. Do NOT take the dog. That gives him another excuse to continue to engage with you and may enrage him further. It's sad, but the dog is not your concern. Your own safety is what is important.
Judging by what you wrote, you're way too invested in his drama. Cut it off completely. Find someone sane that can treat you with consideration and respect.
posted by BlueHorse at 7:20 PM on December 28, 2023 [25 favorites]
He's a total wall of red flags and sounds extremely dangerous. You need to go total, complete, absolutely no contact with him, his family, his ex, and even the dog. He is an abuser. He could hurt you badly or even kill you. If he tries to contact you, you may need to get a restraining order. If he has keys to your residence, you need to change the locks. I disagree with rednikki. Do NOT take the dog. That gives him another excuse to continue to engage with you and may enrage him further. It's sad, but the dog is not your concern. Your own safety is what is important.
Judging by what you wrote, you're way too invested in his drama. Cut it off completely. Find someone sane that can treat you with consideration and respect.
posted by BlueHorse at 7:20 PM on December 28, 2023 [25 favorites]
There is absolutely no way you can help this dude and a lot of ways he can hurt you. You owe him nothing. Run, do not walk, away.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 1:15 AM on December 29, 2023 [12 favorites]
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 1:15 AM on December 29, 2023 [12 favorites]
Keep the dog (if you like the dog)
I strongly advise you not to do this. No good will come of it.
Also strongly endorsing everything BlueHorse just wrote.
posted by flabdablet at 2:27 AM on December 29, 2023 [7 favorites]
I strongly advise you not to do this. No good will come of it.
Also strongly endorsing everything BlueHorse just wrote.
posted by flabdablet at 2:27 AM on December 29, 2023 [7 favorites]
I'm very sorry you've gone through all this. It is not your job to protect this man from himself, nor could you do that if you tried. Soft approaches will not work here.
Block. Do not let him in if he shows up anywhere you are. Consider telling friends and family not to speak with him if he tries to contact them. Document everything in the event you need a restraining order.
posted by Stacey at 5:29 AM on December 29, 2023 [5 favorites]
Block. Do not let him in if he shows up anywhere you are. Consider telling friends and family not to speak with him if he tries to contact them. Document everything in the event you need a restraining order.
posted by Stacey at 5:29 AM on December 29, 2023 [5 favorites]
It's unanimous - cut all contact. I am sorry you are in this position. Please stay safe and far away from anything to do with this man.
posted by tiny frying pan at 6:46 AM on December 29, 2023
posted by tiny frying pan at 6:46 AM on December 29, 2023
I agree with everyone else, you must go no contact with this person. But, having gone through the same thing myself, I want to let you know that I understand the feeling of failure, and the feeling that you need to stand by someone when you think you can help them.
This person's circumstances are his own responsibility, not yours. He will either land on his feet or find someone else's life to ruin while they attempt to sort him out. You tried your best, you have a good heart. Now be strong and walk away.
posted by maggiemaggie at 8:12 AM on December 29, 2023 [3 favorites]
This person's circumstances are his own responsibility, not yours. He will either land on his feet or find someone else's life to ruin while they attempt to sort him out. You tried your best, you have a good heart. Now be strong and walk away.
posted by maggiemaggie at 8:12 AM on December 29, 2023 [3 favorites]
Yeah, no, you have no control over him, and neither does anyone else, including your boyfriend who has no self control. You cannot help him by staying.
You notice how little insight he has over what just happened? That's how much he understands when you try to communicate with him. Whatever you say or do will have as little impact - you may think you have at least some influence because if he is about to go into a more stable period, and you have a conversation with him, it then appears that the conversation is the reason for the stability. It's not. You cannot help or protect someone who is like this. Thinking you can is dangerous, because you will blame yourself for things he does. "It's my fault he hit me, I shouldn't have said..." when in reality just before the conversation, you were twenty minutes away from his fists hitting you, before you had even turned around and made eye contact.
Basically if you debate the safest way, you'll still be debating possibilities that are equally dangerous. You could pick the way you are convinced would be most likely to tip him over into becoming violent and instead end up having it shock him into going dry and getting therapy. Or you could pick the way you firmly believe would be most likely to protect everyone around him and end up in hospital under police protection, and his name make headlines internationally. You have so little influence over what he does, it really doesn't matter what you method you pick for getting out and blocking him.
Odds are he will either temporarily redouble efforts at being a reasonable person as a reaction to his Christmas meltdown, and you will think your actions have made him start to change, or at least to react better to your departure, or his latest meltdown is the first in a new series, and you will think your actions are the reason why he is still on a rampage. Ain't got nothing to do with you. This guy is in a world of his own where he is inventing what other people do and reacting to that.
So pick the method that feels safest to you. Pick the one that makes you feel a little bit less in danger. Just go, block, leave, run.
I'm sorry for the dog. He's probably going to kill the dog, sooner or later. A call to animal protection services would not be amiss.
posted by Jane the Brown at 8:32 AM on December 29, 2023 [6 favorites]
You notice how little insight he has over what just happened? That's how much he understands when you try to communicate with him. Whatever you say or do will have as little impact - you may think you have at least some influence because if he is about to go into a more stable period, and you have a conversation with him, it then appears that the conversation is the reason for the stability. It's not. You cannot help or protect someone who is like this. Thinking you can is dangerous, because you will blame yourself for things he does. "It's my fault he hit me, I shouldn't have said..." when in reality just before the conversation, you were twenty minutes away from his fists hitting you, before you had even turned around and made eye contact.
Basically if you debate the safest way, you'll still be debating possibilities that are equally dangerous. You could pick the way you are convinced would be most likely to tip him over into becoming violent and instead end up having it shock him into going dry and getting therapy. Or you could pick the way you firmly believe would be most likely to protect everyone around him and end up in hospital under police protection, and his name make headlines internationally. You have so little influence over what he does, it really doesn't matter what you method you pick for getting out and blocking him.
Odds are he will either temporarily redouble efforts at being a reasonable person as a reaction to his Christmas meltdown, and you will think your actions have made him start to change, or at least to react better to your departure, or his latest meltdown is the first in a new series, and you will think your actions are the reason why he is still on a rampage. Ain't got nothing to do with you. This guy is in a world of his own where he is inventing what other people do and reacting to that.
So pick the method that feels safest to you. Pick the one that makes you feel a little bit less in danger. Just go, block, leave, run.
I'm sorry for the dog. He's probably going to kill the dog, sooner or later. A call to animal protection services would not be amiss.
posted by Jane the Brown at 8:32 AM on December 29, 2023 [6 favorites]
Cut contact, move, and tell your friends, coworkers, and former neighbours he's violent and not to give him any information about you. Sorry it's so extreme but he sounds really scary!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:45 AM on December 29, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:45 AM on December 29, 2023 [2 favorites]
Block him and be ready to put a restraining order into process. Get a therapist if you can afford so. Let him and his family sort out the rest without any input from you.
posted by kensington314 at 11:18 AM on December 29, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by kensington314 at 11:18 AM on December 29, 2023 [2 favorites]
You are not responsible for his well being. Repeat to yourself: it is not my job to fix him (or anyone else.) Personally, I would take the dog to keep it from being hurt, and then just ghost him. Block him everywhere you can. You don’t own him anything, not even an explanation, nor do you owe it to him to listen to him. Contact a local domestic violence agency and see if they offer free counseling for you. Most do.
To find a domestic violence agency in the USA, go to DomesticShelters.org. To find a domestic violence agency outside the USA, go to HotPeachPages.net.
I am a domestic violence victim advocate, and when I hear stories like yours, they’re often followed up a few weeks or months later with one or more people being murdered. Don’t become a statistic. Remember, YOU DON’T OWE HIM ANYTHING.
posted by MexicanYenta at 12:37 PM on December 29, 2023 [4 favorites]
To find a domestic violence agency in the USA, go to DomesticShelters.org. To find a domestic violence agency outside the USA, go to HotPeachPages.net.
I am a domestic violence victim advocate, and when I hear stories like yours, they’re often followed up a few weeks or months later with one or more people being murdered. Don’t become a statistic. Remember, YOU DON’T OWE HIM ANYTHING.
posted by MexicanYenta at 12:37 PM on December 29, 2023 [4 favorites]
Threats of suicide by an abuser are part of the Cycle of Abuse.
This man is volatile, physically violent, and abusing alcohol and possibly drugs. He is a danger to you. Having a safety plan in a situation like this is vital even if you don't live together.
Why I am concerned for your safety:
Based on your description of your partner's behavior, he checks off the following points on the Lethality Assessment Checklist:
3. Partner's violent history toward others.
4. Partner's threats to harm himself.
10. Partner's expression of jealousy.
12. Partner monitoring/controlling your activities.
13. Partner isolating you.
14. Partner's depression.
16. Partner's escalation of behavior when you attempted to cut off the relationship.
17. Partner's use of alcohol exacerbates the violence/abuse.
18. Partner's suicide threat.
19. Partner's violence in a public place.
There may be other points on the checklist you recognize as applying to your situation as well.
The guilt you are feeling right now about hurting your partner by cutting him off is part of the abuse cycle, but to be clear none of this, absolutely none of this, is your fault. I agree with Mizu above that getting in contact with a domestic violence service in your region is critical for your safety at this time. You mentioned that you were a foreigner in the place you are currently living, and are living alone, which puts you in a very vulnerable position. It is also extremely likely that when you attempt to cut off contact with your partner his behavior will escalate, and you may find it reassuring to know that there were other people in your corner in your region who could help you out if/when that happens.
All the best to you.
posted by panther of the pyrenees at 12:47 PM on December 29, 2023 [11 favorites]
This man is volatile, physically violent, and abusing alcohol and possibly drugs. He is a danger to you. Having a safety plan in a situation like this is vital even if you don't live together.
Why I am concerned for your safety:
Based on your description of your partner's behavior, he checks off the following points on the Lethality Assessment Checklist:
3. Partner's violent history toward others.
4. Partner's threats to harm himself.
10. Partner's expression of jealousy.
12. Partner monitoring/controlling your activities.
13. Partner isolating you.
14. Partner's depression.
16. Partner's escalation of behavior when you attempted to cut off the relationship.
17. Partner's use of alcohol exacerbates the violence/abuse.
18. Partner's suicide threat.
19. Partner's violence in a public place.
There may be other points on the checklist you recognize as applying to your situation as well.
The guilt you are feeling right now about hurting your partner by cutting him off is part of the abuse cycle, but to be clear none of this, absolutely none of this, is your fault. I agree with Mizu above that getting in contact with a domestic violence service in your region is critical for your safety at this time. You mentioned that you were a foreigner in the place you are currently living, and are living alone, which puts you in a very vulnerable position. It is also extremely likely that when you attempt to cut off contact with your partner his behavior will escalate, and you may find it reassuring to know that there were other people in your corner in your region who could help you out if/when that happens.
All the best to you.
posted by panther of the pyrenees at 12:47 PM on December 29, 2023 [11 favorites]
I would take the dog to keep it from being hurt, and then just ghost him.
I have met people who operate like your ex boyfriend, and in my experience, having their dog taken away from them would give them a strong reason to get up every day and not in a good way.
A chaotic, damaged, dangerous fucker who knows where you live is difficult enough to break free from. A chaotic, damaged, dangerous fucker with even a shred of legitimate grievance around which to focus their overwhelming sense of entitlement, revengeful resentment and personal hero fantasy is way, way worse.
Don't take his dog.
posted by flabdablet at 11:21 PM on December 29, 2023 [8 favorites]
I have met people who operate like your ex boyfriend, and in my experience, having their dog taken away from them would give them a strong reason to get up every day and not in a good way.
A chaotic, damaged, dangerous fucker who knows where you live is difficult enough to break free from. A chaotic, damaged, dangerous fucker with even a shred of legitimate grievance around which to focus their overwhelming sense of entitlement, revengeful resentment and personal hero fantasy is way, way worse.
Don't take his dog.
posted by flabdablet at 11:21 PM on December 29, 2023 [8 favorites]
Don't take his dog. He could always just get another one. Report him to animal protection. That will not only be the biggest help for his current dog, but will lay groundwork for protecting any future dogs he may get.
Whenever someone commits violence, it's good to report it and get it documented. It establishes the difference between "had a bad day" and "recurring offender" in the official record.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:36 AM on December 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
Whenever someone commits violence, it's good to report it and get it documented. It establishes the difference between "had a bad day" and "recurring offender" in the official record.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:36 AM on December 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
He has drinking buddies. He has an ex who speaks to him. He has family. He has a job lined up. He is a deeply dangerous person, but he also seems to somehow have more resources available to him than a lot of non-violent mentally ill people. All this shit about abandoning him, he needs your help, blah blah blah is just him trying to keep you as a resource. It doesnt implicate you morally to cut ties. His own fucking dog ran away from him! A creature dependent on him for everything noped the fuck out!!
He wants to keep his hooks in you because he is 100% not going to make it through 5 months of training. He can't be normal for that long and he messed up big time with his family.
You were in a relationship with an abuser. He pushes all your guilt buttons. He is not a moral authority, however, and you do not owe him anything. Someone else will take care of his pets.
I don't know if you should send him a text saying you won't take his dog and then block him. But that's the most closure you should offer.
posted by jello at 8:21 AM on December 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
He wants to keep his hooks in you because he is 100% not going to make it through 5 months of training. He can't be normal for that long and he messed up big time with his family.
You were in a relationship with an abuser. He pushes all your guilt buttons. He is not a moral authority, however, and you do not owe him anything. Someone else will take care of his pets.
I don't know if you should send him a text saying you won't take his dog and then block him. But that's the most closure you should offer.
posted by jello at 8:21 AM on December 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
I agree that no contact + a safety plan are your best options here. Here’s something that may help you as you strengthen your resolve around this decision (which you’ve already taken & communicated clearly): it’s also harmful to him if you stay in a situation where he can abuse you. If he were to do you further harm, that would also harm him — his job prospects, his criminal record, his mental stability, his potential for future change. By taking care of yourself and removing yourself from a situation where he can continue to harm you, you are also doing the very best thing you can to take care of him.
I hope this is helpful to you, and I wish you luck and strength in getting out of this situation. It will be better for both of you.
posted by ourobouros at 9:02 AM on December 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
I hope this is helpful to you, and I wish you luck and strength in getting out of this situation. It will be better for both of you.
posted by ourobouros at 9:02 AM on December 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
Coming back to this because I realized that I had written a very similar response to your previous post about your partner back in October. I hadn't looked at the usernames so didn't realize I was responding to the same person. With this in mind, I want to add an addendum to my previous comment in this thread.
There are several benefits to reaching out to a Domestic Abuse resource in your area - 1) safety planning with a crisis counselor either in person or via a hotline, 2) access to free legal services (ex. obtaining a restraining order should you need one), and 3) access to free therapy services (both group and individual).
A trained therapist can give you more support than we can here on AskMetaFilter, as much as we are all rooting for you. It is very normal for someone in your position to feel conflicting emotions - as you stated in your Ask, you want to leave this man, but you are also trying to navigate the various emotions surrounding leaving him, and the logistics of safely doing so.
To go back to the example of the Cycle of Abuse (different example link than in my previous comment), often there will be a period where the Abuser acts repentant (and ashamed) and makes promises to change the abusive behavior. After a period of calm, the tension begins again, and that familiar build-up to violence (or screaming, or other acting out on the part of Abuser) starts anew.
For the person on the receiving end of abuse caught in this cycle, this is where the guilt sometimes comes in as a factor, because they may think oh, Partner doesn't want to act this way, he is sick or not in control of himself, he needs me to step in and save him from himself.
However, Partner made a choice to act in an abusive way towards you and other people in his orbit. The classic example of this is a situation in which Abuser starts breaking things when he's angry, but somehow the only things he breaks are items belonging to the person he is abusing, never items important to him.
To quote from the article linked above, "As the outside world starts to feel more out of control, the abusive person may start to turn to the relationship as a way of feeling in control again. As the tension starts to become evident, the non-abusive partner may also feel increasingly anxious. This may lead them to act in specific ways — such as “walking on eggshells” — to ease and appease the abusive partner’s tension and prevent an abusive incident."
A therapist can help you safely process these feelings, and a domestic violence advocate can give you access to additional resources. ourobouros made an excellent point in the comment above that by removing yourself from this situation, you are not giving this man further opportunities to harm you. Right now it may feel unkind to cut this man off without an explanation, but how would you feel if a dear friend of yours was being treated the way Partner treats you? You would probably think that Partner was acting really unkind, right? So it may be worth discussing with a therapist why you don't believe you are worthy of being treated with kindness. I think everyone deserves to be treated with kindness, and that includes you!
I share MexicanYenta's concerns about the potential lethality involved in your situation based on what you have outlined in your posts, and would encourage you to start with one of the hotlines on this list. In a previous post, you mentioned you were currently living somewhere in Europe, and this website from the European Commission has a list of hotlines in 46 European countries. Hopefully one of them will apply to you.
posted by panther of the pyrenees at 1:20 PM on December 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
There are several benefits to reaching out to a Domestic Abuse resource in your area - 1) safety planning with a crisis counselor either in person or via a hotline, 2) access to free legal services (ex. obtaining a restraining order should you need one), and 3) access to free therapy services (both group and individual).
A trained therapist can give you more support than we can here on AskMetaFilter, as much as we are all rooting for you. It is very normal for someone in your position to feel conflicting emotions - as you stated in your Ask, you want to leave this man, but you are also trying to navigate the various emotions surrounding leaving him, and the logistics of safely doing so.
To go back to the example of the Cycle of Abuse (different example link than in my previous comment), often there will be a period where the Abuser acts repentant (and ashamed) and makes promises to change the abusive behavior. After a period of calm, the tension begins again, and that familiar build-up to violence (or screaming, or other acting out on the part of Abuser) starts anew.
For the person on the receiving end of abuse caught in this cycle, this is where the guilt sometimes comes in as a factor, because they may think oh, Partner doesn't want to act this way, he is sick or not in control of himself, he needs me to step in and save him from himself.
However, Partner made a choice to act in an abusive way towards you and other people in his orbit. The classic example of this is a situation in which Abuser starts breaking things when he's angry, but somehow the only things he breaks are items belonging to the person he is abusing, never items important to him.
To quote from the article linked above, "As the outside world starts to feel more out of control, the abusive person may start to turn to the relationship as a way of feeling in control again. As the tension starts to become evident, the non-abusive partner may also feel increasingly anxious. This may lead them to act in specific ways — such as “walking on eggshells” — to ease and appease the abusive partner’s tension and prevent an abusive incident."
A therapist can help you safely process these feelings, and a domestic violence advocate can give you access to additional resources. ourobouros made an excellent point in the comment above that by removing yourself from this situation, you are not giving this man further opportunities to harm you. Right now it may feel unkind to cut this man off without an explanation, but how would you feel if a dear friend of yours was being treated the way Partner treats you? You would probably think that Partner was acting really unkind, right? So it may be worth discussing with a therapist why you don't believe you are worthy of being treated with kindness. I think everyone deserves to be treated with kindness, and that includes you!
I share MexicanYenta's concerns about the potential lethality involved in your situation based on what you have outlined in your posts, and would encourage you to start with one of the hotlines on this list. In a previous post, you mentioned you were currently living somewhere in Europe, and this website from the European Commission has a list of hotlines in 46 European countries. Hopefully one of them will apply to you.
posted by panther of the pyrenees at 1:20 PM on December 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
I'm sorry, Salicornia. This has got to be heartbreaking.
After reading panther's comment above, I also looked at your posting history. You have *multiple* posts that indicate this relationship is not good for you. Both this guy and his dog need to be out of your life.
It takes a victim, on average, seven times before they leave their abuser. You are a victim. He is an abuser. You are still in denial, but your questions are proof that you are starting to realize how serious the situation is and that you need to get away.
You can continue to ask questions, and we can give you our advice and support, but it's up to you to take control. It's hard, and he's going to continually beat you down and insist that you ignore what your gut is telling you. You are on the path to leaving him, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
You can do it.
posted by BlueHorse at 1:20 PM on January 4, 2024 [1 favorite]
After reading panther's comment above, I also looked at your posting history. You have *multiple* posts that indicate this relationship is not good for you. Both this guy and his dog need to be out of your life.
It takes a victim, on average, seven times before they leave their abuser. You are a victim. He is an abuser. You are still in denial, but your questions are proof that you are starting to realize how serious the situation is and that you need to get away.
You can continue to ask questions, and we can give you our advice and support, but it's up to you to take control. It's hard, and he's going to continually beat you down and insist that you ignore what your gut is telling you. You are on the path to leaving him, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
You can do it.
posted by BlueHorse at 1:20 PM on January 4, 2024 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Dear internet strangers, I am so grateful for your input, it helped me tremendously to realize how abusive this relationship was. Real life is often ruthless on such situations and the amount of minimization i received was immense. I feel honored to update you on the situation!
My ex of course kept bad mouthing me and his friends labeled me as "the one that turned her back on him when he needed me the most". He took very little responsibility for his actions and kept having useless arguments, including how it will take him YEARS to fix himself (even though I told him it was over 4 months prior to that event, he kinda hoovered me back in and started referring me as his gf, so i reluctantly thought that's how it was now). But this time it was for reel and as long as he kept hope, he kept texting me. I gradually blocked him from the social networks.
I noticed he still has our common picture on fb where we were holding hands so I unblocked him and asked him to remove it. He replied with "why?". I said : "because we are no longer together". He still refused to remove it until a few days later.
Also, surprise surprise, he went on Tinder rightaway and got a new gf within weeks.
I went on being happily single and immensely single for a while, and afterwards started spending more time with a coworker. We ended up together, celebrated 6 months, moved in together and I could not be happier. Looking back at the matters I had to be dealing with in this question and several others, it made me realize what a long way it was and how soothing and safe a relationship can feel. I still have your responses, either at this or some other question, living rent free in my head and reminding myself of many quotes i got on this wonderful portal. Thank you for your efforts. It took a while put it paid off. Now it's time for me to make contributions to the community! :)
posted by Salicornia at 5:27 AM on September 8, 2024 [2 favorites]
My ex of course kept bad mouthing me and his friends labeled me as "the one that turned her back on him when he needed me the most". He took very little responsibility for his actions and kept having useless arguments, including how it will take him YEARS to fix himself (even though I told him it was over 4 months prior to that event, he kinda hoovered me back in and started referring me as his gf, so i reluctantly thought that's how it was now). But this time it was for reel and as long as he kept hope, he kept texting me. I gradually blocked him from the social networks.
I noticed he still has our common picture on fb where we were holding hands so I unblocked him and asked him to remove it. He replied with "why?". I said : "because we are no longer together". He still refused to remove it until a few days later.
Also, surprise surprise, he went on Tinder rightaway and got a new gf within weeks.
I went on being happily single and immensely single for a while, and afterwards started spending more time with a coworker. We ended up together, celebrated 6 months, moved in together and I could not be happier. Looking back at the matters I had to be dealing with in this question and several others, it made me realize what a long way it was and how soothing and safe a relationship can feel. I still have your responses, either at this or some other question, living rent free in my head and reminding myself of many quotes i got on this wonderful portal. Thank you for your efforts. It took a while put it paid off. Now it's time for me to make contributions to the community! :)
posted by Salicornia at 5:27 AM on September 8, 2024 [2 favorites]
I'm so happy that you were able to move forward. It's nice to read a positive resolution to a relationship AskMe question!
You've already made a contribution by posting your questions and your resolution to the problem. That will allow others in a similar situation to recognize relationship abuse and to see how they can change their lives for the better.
Spread your wings and fly!
posted by BlueHorse at 8:47 PM on September 8, 2024 [1 favorite]
You've already made a contribution by posting your questions and your resolution to the problem. That will allow others in a similar situation to recognize relationship abuse and to see how they can change their lives for the better.
Spread your wings and fly!
posted by BlueHorse at 8:47 PM on September 8, 2024 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
He is the only thing that might cause him to hurt himself. If he does himself harm it is because he is by all visible measures a violent, drunken lunatic. Do not allow him, your own internal self-judgment or anyone else to convince you that any part of his bad behavior (fully including potential self-harm) is something for which you need to take responsibility.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 3:49 PM on December 28, 2023 [35 favorites]