How can I feel less judgemental about the enjoyment of reality TV?
December 24, 2023 5:21 PM Subscribe
I find reality TV sickening. It showcases all my least favorite things about humans (selfishness, pettiness, consumerism, hysterics over things that don't matter, gossip, fakeness, etc.), but my girlfriend enjoys reality TV and somehow finds it relaxing. This is causing a lot of conflict because when she watches these shows no matter how hard I try, my judgment and horror at the content leaks out. I can see that the only solution is for me to let go of this judgment so I'm looking for advice or perspectives that might help me do this.
Seconding Empress, but with a thought - you may want to take some time to evaluate if your differing feelings on reality TV are a superficial indicator of value differentials that could make a long-term relationship less sustainable.
I have known people this both does and doesn't apply to - in other words, some like to watch them to laugh at the ridiculousness of the show, while others seem to believe that fake reality is the way to live, and variations in between.
A long term relationship with the second sort wouldn't work for me.
posted by stormyteal at 5:34 PM on December 24, 2023 [7 favorites]
I have known people this both does and doesn't apply to - in other words, some like to watch them to laugh at the ridiculousness of the show, while others seem to believe that fake reality is the way to live, and variations in between.
A long term relationship with the second sort wouldn't work for me.
posted by stormyteal at 5:34 PM on December 24, 2023 [7 favorites]
Best answer: For me the most helpful thing for letting go of judgment is understanding why someone likes something, and not just the descriptive surface explanation like "it's amusing" but how their enjoyment of something fits into the rest of what makes them the person they are. Reality shows probably represent something different to your girlfriend.
For example:
1. I could see someone who is a deeply anxious or a thin-skinned and hyper-empathetic person findings shows like that relaxing because they don't trigger either anxiety or empathy/investment that shows or books depicting more real and complex human relationships do.
2. Or, I could see someone who has an intellectual interest in that kind of genre as a cultural product finding reality shows compelling, but not necessarily having the expertise of vocabulary to article that interest (what I am saying here is, if your girlfriend was doing a graduate degree in Media Studies, you could probably easily accept her watching shows like that as something she engages with and evaluates in an academic way -- but people can be interested in subjects in that same way even without having the legible validation of an academic or intellectual context).
3. Or, perhaps something about the format reminds her of how her grandmother or aunt gossiped with the neighbors when she was a child, and there is some kind of nice associative emotional link that is not at all visible to you.
These are all just hypothetical scenarios, but they are ones I can immediately imagine when speculating about why someone would watch and enjoy a TV genre that I myself also dislike.
When I feel a pull to be judgmental in the way you describe, and I seek not to be, I try to achieve a narrative understanding that I can empathize with and connect with. I usually do it by asking increasingly in-depth questions, almost like an interview, designed to help me understand how the other person experiences something. It's probably not very likely that your girlfriend genuinely enjoys them for exactly the same reasons that you find them appalling -- because she herself identifies with selfishness and pettiness, or because they represent values (of consumerism, etc.) she adheres to, because it sounds like if that were the case, you would not be dating her. So, if that is not what is going on, then maybe you can do some emotional "detective work" and learn something about your girlfriend in the process.
The other thing you may want to think about is, why do you have such a charged response to this, and do you have it to every cultural artifact that exemplifies these values you list (selfishness, pettiness, gossip, etc). If you don't, if there is something about reality shows specifically that triggers that response in you, can you reflect on what it is? Do you worry that others will judge you because your girlfriend watches shows like that? Do you have an idea of romantic love that includes total understanding of the other person, and it bothers you that you don't understand this, and thus it makes you have existential doubts about the relationship? Etc. Etc.
posted by virve at 5:58 PM on December 24, 2023 [27 favorites]
For example:
1. I could see someone who is a deeply anxious or a thin-skinned and hyper-empathetic person findings shows like that relaxing because they don't trigger either anxiety or empathy/investment that shows or books depicting more real and complex human relationships do.
2. Or, I could see someone who has an intellectual interest in that kind of genre as a cultural product finding reality shows compelling, but not necessarily having the expertise of vocabulary to article that interest (what I am saying here is, if your girlfriend was doing a graduate degree in Media Studies, you could probably easily accept her watching shows like that as something she engages with and evaluates in an academic way -- but people can be interested in subjects in that same way even without having the legible validation of an academic or intellectual context).
3. Or, perhaps something about the format reminds her of how her grandmother or aunt gossiped with the neighbors when she was a child, and there is some kind of nice associative emotional link that is not at all visible to you.
These are all just hypothetical scenarios, but they are ones I can immediately imagine when speculating about why someone would watch and enjoy a TV genre that I myself also dislike.
When I feel a pull to be judgmental in the way you describe, and I seek not to be, I try to achieve a narrative understanding that I can empathize with and connect with. I usually do it by asking increasingly in-depth questions, almost like an interview, designed to help me understand how the other person experiences something. It's probably not very likely that your girlfriend genuinely enjoys them for exactly the same reasons that you find them appalling -- because she herself identifies with selfishness and pettiness, or because they represent values (of consumerism, etc.) she adheres to, because it sounds like if that were the case, you would not be dating her. So, if that is not what is going on, then maybe you can do some emotional "detective work" and learn something about your girlfriend in the process.
The other thing you may want to think about is, why do you have such a charged response to this, and do you have it to every cultural artifact that exemplifies these values you list (selfishness, pettiness, gossip, etc). If you don't, if there is something about reality shows specifically that triggers that response in you, can you reflect on what it is? Do you worry that others will judge you because your girlfriend watches shows like that? Do you have an idea of romantic love that includes total understanding of the other person, and it bothers you that you don't understand this, and thus it makes you have existential doubts about the relationship? Etc. Etc.
posted by virve at 5:58 PM on December 24, 2023 [27 favorites]
Best answer: No clue really but here's an idea.
She likes it. You like her. You try to get inside her perspective about what makes it worth spending time with. Hopefully you can get her to participate in this project, explain to you what the good stuff is and why it's relaxing. Maybe you can get her to talk you through some of it while it's on. Maybe to get there you also need to articulate what you don't like as it's going on, even though that may feel risky to do.
I mean my thinking is like, well, isn't this already one of the wonderful things about getting close to someone, that you can try to see things through their eyes, see the value they see in things, see in that way a different world. This is just a particularly challenging part of that project. But maybe because it is challenging also a particularly interesting part of it.
If this project works, too, you will learn whether you're ultimately okay with it -- whether you can stand to see things the way she does. If not, you'll have to decide whether that value difference is important to you. But just as likely you will come to see that it's not so bad after all.
I am hoping that the way to let go of judgment is to come to see that the judgment is not correct (if indeed it's not).
Here is an idea from a different perspective. You've pointed out that reality TV depicts a lot of bad stuff -- unappealing faces of human nature. If someone didn't think that stuff was bad, that might be disturbing. But to like watching bad stuff is not yet to deny that it's bad. I think of people who like horror movies. Mainly bad stuff happens in them (pretty much). But people don't watch them because they think bad stuff is good. Presumably they do it because it actually disarms the bad stuff to them in some way. For example, it shows you that even great evils can be borne (at least in imagination) and then mentally cast away. That's a hopeful and perhaps a helpful lesson. Similarly, I have a meditation book that says, ok now think about all the disease and decay that's going to inevitably happen to your body. You're welcome, now you see the absurdity of clinging to the condition of your body. Get it, right? What I'm thinking is, like, what you see as a fascination with human evils could for someone be a kind of defense or balm against them.
But so yeah you should try to find out.
posted by grobstein at 6:02 PM on December 24, 2023 [4 favorites]
She likes it. You like her. You try to get inside her perspective about what makes it worth spending time with. Hopefully you can get her to participate in this project, explain to you what the good stuff is and why it's relaxing. Maybe you can get her to talk you through some of it while it's on. Maybe to get there you also need to articulate what you don't like as it's going on, even though that may feel risky to do.
I mean my thinking is like, well, isn't this already one of the wonderful things about getting close to someone, that you can try to see things through their eyes, see the value they see in things, see in that way a different world. This is just a particularly challenging part of that project. But maybe because it is challenging also a particularly interesting part of it.
If this project works, too, you will learn whether you're ultimately okay with it -- whether you can stand to see things the way she does. If not, you'll have to decide whether that value difference is important to you. But just as likely you will come to see that it's not so bad after all.
I am hoping that the way to let go of judgment is to come to see that the judgment is not correct (if indeed it's not).
Here is an idea from a different perspective. You've pointed out that reality TV depicts a lot of bad stuff -- unappealing faces of human nature. If someone didn't think that stuff was bad, that might be disturbing. But to like watching bad stuff is not yet to deny that it's bad. I think of people who like horror movies. Mainly bad stuff happens in them (pretty much). But people don't watch them because they think bad stuff is good. Presumably they do it because it actually disarms the bad stuff to them in some way. For example, it shows you that even great evils can be borne (at least in imagination) and then mentally cast away. That's a hopeful and perhaps a helpful lesson. Similarly, I have a meditation book that says, ok now think about all the disease and decay that's going to inevitably happen to your body. You're welcome, now you see the absurdity of clinging to the condition of your body. Get it, right? What I'm thinking is, like, what you see as a fascination with human evils could for someone be a kind of defense or balm against them.
But so yeah you should try to find out.
posted by grobstein at 6:02 PM on December 24, 2023 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Do you have no guilty pleasures? Is there not something you consume on the regular that is not necessarily the height of human achievement? How would you feel if your girlfriend stood by while you were consuming it and judged you for it? Might you feel ashamed or like you could no longer be yourself around her? Do you want to make your girlfriend feel like that? Of course not - so you can just write it off as an interest she has that you do not share that frees up some time for you to do your own thing.
Also, it’s kind of a cliche that reality shows are like sports for women but it’s kind of true and as such you may want to examine whether your feelings about such shows have any misogyny underlying them.
posted by Jess the Mess at 6:07 PM on December 24, 2023 [17 favorites]
Also, it’s kind of a cliche that reality shows are like sports for women but it’s kind of true and as such you may want to examine whether your feelings about such shows have any misogyny underlying them.
posted by Jess the Mess at 6:07 PM on December 24, 2023 [17 favorites]
Best answer: One option: think through your own interests/habits/hobbies and consider how someone else might judge them.
Do you like…
Professional football?
Tropical vacations?
Social media?
Sneakers?
Porn?
Cars?
Art museums?
Coffee?
Each of those things is enjoyed widely, and can be fairly critiqued as reflecting the worst in humanity. I’m not suggesting they’re unacceptable, just that it’s hard to find a modern amusement that isn’t in some way ugly, exploitive, negative, or non-edifying.
posted by theotherdurassister at 6:58 PM on December 24, 2023 [5 favorites]
Do you like…
Professional football?
Tropical vacations?
Social media?
Sneakers?
Porn?
Cars?
Art museums?
Coffee?
Each of those things is enjoyed widely, and can be fairly critiqued as reflecting the worst in humanity. I’m not suggesting they’re unacceptable, just that it’s hard to find a modern amusement that isn’t in some way ugly, exploitive, negative, or non-edifying.
posted by theotherdurassister at 6:58 PM on December 24, 2023 [5 favorites]
Let her watch them herself. You are not joined at the hip I'm guessing. But nix any commenting on the shows if she brings it up in conversation...
posted by Czjewel at 6:59 PM on December 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by Czjewel at 6:59 PM on December 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I think the first thing you need to assimilate is that the shows aren't even close to reality. While a lot is improvised on set, the general arc of a season and certainly the larger plot lines are driven by the producers. In addition the actors are a) told up front what their personalities will be and b) told to ramp everything up to 11.
In short, they are the World Wide Wrestling Federation for an audience who only likes to see metaphorical chairs smashed over people's heads. And on some occasions real ones.
It might change the way you judge your girlfriend if you find out that *she* knows this. Perhaps she's watching in the same way she would a soap opera -- to experience high drama while knowing that the actual stakes are zero.
Stripped of the pretense of reality these shows are really mundane. Change the channel and you'll find corpses piling up in sympathetic tales of drug dealers and mafia dons. I'm guessing you left killing people and stringing out junkies off your list of unfavorite things because to immerse yourself in those for fun and relaxation would require near sociopathic levels of disassociation.
Anyway, if she understands the difference between reality and fiction then you should probably just chill. She's meeting her own needs and no one is getting hurt. And when she's not there you can change the channel and watch human bodies being violently ripped to shreds instead.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:02 PM on December 24, 2023 [7 favorites]
In short, they are the World Wide Wrestling Federation for an audience who only likes to see metaphorical chairs smashed over people's heads. And on some occasions real ones.
It might change the way you judge your girlfriend if you find out that *she* knows this. Perhaps she's watching in the same way she would a soap opera -- to experience high drama while knowing that the actual stakes are zero.
Stripped of the pretense of reality these shows are really mundane. Change the channel and you'll find corpses piling up in sympathetic tales of drug dealers and mafia dons. I'm guessing you left killing people and stringing out junkies off your list of unfavorite things because to immerse yourself in those for fun and relaxation would require near sociopathic levels of disassociation.
Anyway, if she understands the difference between reality and fiction then you should probably just chill. She's meeting her own needs and no one is getting hurt. And when she's not there you can change the channel and watch human bodies being violently ripped to shreds instead.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:02 PM on December 24, 2023 [7 favorites]
With the only partial exception of shows that present themselves as contests of skill, these shows are all staged, with dollops of improv. There's no reason to regard them as anything other than fiction. I really don't care for the Housewives franchise et al but they're in the same category as similar explicitly fictional shows--I enjoy Succession without thinking it provides a particular "real" window into human nature.
Now, you don't enjoy these shows. That's fine. So...what do you do when one person wants to watch something the other really finds unpleasant? Seems like it's time to figure out how to negotiate this kind of conflict, because this probably won't be the only time your preferences diverge sharply.
posted by praemunire at 7:13 PM on December 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
Now, you don't enjoy these shows. That's fine. So...what do you do when one person wants to watch something the other really finds unpleasant? Seems like it's time to figure out how to negotiate this kind of conflict, because this probably won't be the only time your preferences diverge sharply.
posted by praemunire at 7:13 PM on December 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
An ex of mine once said that their most intelligent friends (including me) all watched the dumbest reality TV, and they just shrugged thinking, WOW, I really respect these humans who are my friends, and I don't like this reality TV, but there must be something to it. Franchises like RHONY and Below Deck for example allow for some pressure release in laughing about how some elites live their lives (with very produced storylines) (so ridiculous). Also, in many Queer circles, these shows become fun in their Meme-ability. You'll find many accounts on IG with clips from any of these reality shows and they are just always hilarious. It's a guilty pleasure.
posted by AnyUsernameWillDo at 7:43 PM on December 24, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by AnyUsernameWillDo at 7:43 PM on December 24, 2023 [3 favorites]
Best answer: We know it's trash TV. But the fact that it requires so little work is often a blessing. When I'm at my most battered and broken, the absurdity of the shows is comfortable. There's zero stakes, it's interesting enough to be distracting without requiring commitment. It's something that gives what it is without asking anything from me. And wether it's a competition or a romantic disaster, following these knuckleheads through their issues is often oddly compelling. Parasocial relationships, sort of, nothing to base a life around, but it can be really fun to discuss the horror with fellow fans.
I'm not saying there's much value in these works, but this level of farce and satire has a long tradition. Is reality tv particularly different than Commedia dell'arte? There's an easy rhythm to the craziness that is similar to the value of Hallmark movies or watching the same Xmas cartoons for the 79th time. We can't be chasing novelty or picking up Anna Karenina every time. Sometimes it's the lowest denominator we can stand. And that's ok.
posted by Jacen at 7:51 PM on December 24, 2023 [7 favorites]
I'm not saying there's much value in these works, but this level of farce and satire has a long tradition. Is reality tv particularly different than Commedia dell'arte? There's an easy rhythm to the craziness that is similar to the value of Hallmark movies or watching the same Xmas cartoons for the 79th time. We can't be chasing novelty or picking up Anna Karenina every time. Sometimes it's the lowest denominator we can stand. And that's ok.
posted by Jacen at 7:51 PM on December 24, 2023 [7 favorites]
I can't tell from your post whether you want to *stop being judgmental * or *start liking* the shows.
You're allowed to not like something. You can decided it's bad, and that you don't want to watch it.
Being judgemental would be if your opinion of the show leaks into your opinion of your girlfriend. If you want her to stop watching, or think less of her because of her enjoyment.
Is that what's happening?
If it's the first, then it's best to stop watching these shows together. People in a relationship can like and dislike different things.
If it's the second, then the question is really "am I judgemental about my girlfriend" and whether or not you're compatible.
posted by Zumbador at 8:13 PM on December 24, 2023
You're allowed to not like something. You can decided it's bad, and that you don't want to watch it.
Being judgemental would be if your opinion of the show leaks into your opinion of your girlfriend. If you want her to stop watching, or think less of her because of her enjoyment.
Is that what's happening?
If it's the first, then it's best to stop watching these shows together. People in a relationship can like and dislike different things.
If it's the second, then the question is really "am I judgemental about my girlfriend" and whether or not you're compatible.
posted by Zumbador at 8:13 PM on December 24, 2023
> when she watches these shows no matter how hard I try, my judgment and horror at the content leaks out.
I used to have a boyfriend who would make contemptuous, disparaging comments about my vegetarian food every time we ate a meal together. He claimed that no matter how hard he tried, he could not help that his honest opinions about rabbit-food just leaked out of him. That guy was hella obnoxious! Why the fuck did he feel entitled to judge my personal food choices? Who the hell even asked for his opinion of my food? How utterly arrogant of him!
Don't be that guy, OP. Leave your girlfriend alone. Her choice of entertainment is none of your business. Nobody asked for your opinion of her TV habits. Stop yucking her yum, go mind your own business for a while when she watches her TV.
posted by MiraK at 8:36 PM on December 24, 2023 [10 favorites]
I used to have a boyfriend who would make contemptuous, disparaging comments about my vegetarian food every time we ate a meal together. He claimed that no matter how hard he tried, he could not help that his honest opinions about rabbit-food just leaked out of him. That guy was hella obnoxious! Why the fuck did he feel entitled to judge my personal food choices? Who the hell even asked for his opinion of my food? How utterly arrogant of him!
Don't be that guy, OP. Leave your girlfriend alone. Her choice of entertainment is none of your business. Nobody asked for your opinion of her TV habits. Stop yucking her yum, go mind your own business for a while when she watches her TV.
posted by MiraK at 8:36 PM on December 24, 2023 [10 favorites]
My kids adore them and I have learned to enjoy them by reading up on how they are produced and the ethics behind them. The early years of reality tv were horrifically exploitative which was where my knee jerk dislike came from, but now most of the participants understand this is Not A Documentary and work to control and manage their own participation. 90 Days Fiancée is fascinating (I heart Jenny!!) because they demonstrate a huge range in how participants have chosen to use reality tv or opted out. It is more like improv than a documentary.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 9:08 PM on December 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 9:08 PM on December 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
It's a good thing that you recognise your behaviour is problematic and that you want to change your attitude. I also hate that kind of TV show and would have judged it very badly when I was younger.
Fortunately I learnt, through some painful and occasionally public lessons, that my opinion on other people's preferences is completely irrelevant, and what they choose to do with their time is none of my damn business.
So yes, find some new perspectives like virve has excellently suggested, but also focus really hard on reminding yourself that your opinion is not important, you aren't the arbiter of what's valuable, and you are, like every other person on this lovely blue marble, one person with one opinion and that opinion has no special worth to anyone other than you.
Apply that thinking to lots of other situations in your life because if you're judgmental about this it's probably a wider attitude issue rather than a specific reality TV issue, and you'll be a better person all-round if you get off your high horse.
You've got the right mindset and enough emotional intelligence/self-awareness to change, as evidenced by you recognising the situation and asking the question here. Good luck!
posted by underclocked at 11:40 PM on December 24, 2023 [8 favorites]
Fortunately I learnt, through some painful and occasionally public lessons, that my opinion on other people's preferences is completely irrelevant, and what they choose to do with their time is none of my damn business.
So yes, find some new perspectives like virve has excellently suggested, but also focus really hard on reminding yourself that your opinion is not important, you aren't the arbiter of what's valuable, and you are, like every other person on this lovely blue marble, one person with one opinion and that opinion has no special worth to anyone other than you.
Apply that thinking to lots of other situations in your life because if you're judgmental about this it's probably a wider attitude issue rather than a specific reality TV issue, and you'll be a better person all-round if you get off your high horse.
You've got the right mindset and enough emotional intelligence/self-awareness to change, as evidenced by you recognising the situation and asking the question here. Good luck!
posted by underclocked at 11:40 PM on December 24, 2023 [8 favorites]
I wonder if it might help to take a step back and think about the extent to which you believe that someone's values are defined, reflected or betrayed by the media they consume. Some types of reality shows may feature selfish, petty behavior...do you believe that because of this, watching it is also inherently a selfish, petty act, or an indication that one agrees with those values?
If there's a disconnect here, it might be something like this: your dislike of this content is based on values, because you find the behavior abhorrent and dislike watching it. But that doesn't mean that your girlfriend's enjoyment of the shows is equally an endorsement or demonstration of those values -- it may just be that observing those behaviors doesn't bother her the same way in this context. (For comparison, one person may dislike murder mysteries or horror movies or war documentaries because the violence bothers them, but that doesn't mean people who enjoy them are endorsing or demonstrating sociopathic disregard for life, either.)
posted by eponym at 1:25 AM on December 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
If there's a disconnect here, it might be something like this: your dislike of this content is based on values, because you find the behavior abhorrent and dislike watching it. But that doesn't mean that your girlfriend's enjoyment of the shows is equally an endorsement or demonstration of those values -- it may just be that observing those behaviors doesn't bother her the same way in this context. (For comparison, one person may dislike murder mysteries or horror movies or war documentaries because the violence bothers them, but that doesn't mean people who enjoy them are endorsing or demonstrating sociopathic disregard for life, either.)
posted by eponym at 1:25 AM on December 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
I second those here who suggest you find ways to be genuinely curious about the pleasure that one can obtain from this particular leisure pursuit. In your question you use the word "somehow" to indicate that it is a mystery to you how she finds it relaxing to watch these shows. Watch out whenever you find yourself describing someone else's choices with "somehow", especially when there is something about those choices that bother you! It's an indication that you might benefit from understanding their interior experience better.
posted by brainwane at 4:04 AM on December 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by brainwane at 4:04 AM on December 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
In the early days of our relationship, my gf and I watched a couple of Sunday evening shows that I thought were pretty boring. These shows were eventually cancelled, and we began watching different shows in a genre that we both love. so, what I'm saying is, maybe you can gradually influence her to see different shows. Maybe substitute one new show on one night a week, and see how it goes from there.
posted by JimN2TAW at 4:23 AM on December 25, 2023
posted by JimN2TAW at 4:23 AM on December 25, 2023
I enjoy trashy reality TV. I am also an intelligent and decent human being by most accounts; I have a rich interior life and do volunteer work and make art and music and write. I’m perfectly aware of reality TV’s fakeness and often terrible people and exploitative nature and how dumb it all is. But I can’t watch finely crafted, involved, emotionally wrenching dramas every day. I need something that lets me disengage and relax. Reality shows move fast and are easy and low-stakes, easy to look away from if I’m doing something else, easy to watch and get invested in, but also easy to ignore. I find the people-watching aspect entertaining. I can separate watching a show from agreeing with its participants—my partner and I like to laugh about how awful and abusive and over the top Gordon Ramsay is, for instance. We don’t just watch and idolize, there’s a level of awareness and critique.
Many of these shows also feature mastery of a craft or skill, which I enjoy watching and learning about as well—eg cooking, tattooing, singing, baking, glass blowing, pottery, sports, wilderness survival. It’s glossed over a bit because they have to be at a certain level to compete, and they tend to emphasize drama, but I find the artistry and skill aspects really interesting.
I don’t enjoy all of this genre; I often find things like Real Housewives or The Bachelor boring or too annoying. But I suspect those distinctions don’t mean much to you. Do you feel exactly the same about shows like the Great British Bake-Off that are considered reality but pretty wholesome and kind-hearted and full of good people and friendship? Or shows like American Ninja Warrior about people striving through physical challenges?
I also wanted to give a little prod to see if it’s some element of classism/elitism leaking judgment here and if that might help you untangle your strong feelings about this kind of entertainment. If you found that your role models, whoever those might be (writers, activists, artists, intellectuals, etc?) exclusively watched reality TV, would that change your perspective at all?
posted by music for skeletons at 7:30 AM on December 25, 2023 [8 favorites]
Many of these shows also feature mastery of a craft or skill, which I enjoy watching and learning about as well—eg cooking, tattooing, singing, baking, glass blowing, pottery, sports, wilderness survival. It’s glossed over a bit because they have to be at a certain level to compete, and they tend to emphasize drama, but I find the artistry and skill aspects really interesting.
I don’t enjoy all of this genre; I often find things like Real Housewives or The Bachelor boring or too annoying. But I suspect those distinctions don’t mean much to you. Do you feel exactly the same about shows like the Great British Bake-Off that are considered reality but pretty wholesome and kind-hearted and full of good people and friendship? Or shows like American Ninja Warrior about people striving through physical challenges?
I also wanted to give a little prod to see if it’s some element of classism/elitism leaking judgment here and if that might help you untangle your strong feelings about this kind of entertainment. If you found that your role models, whoever those might be (writers, activists, artists, intellectuals, etc?) exclusively watched reality TV, would that change your perspective at all?
posted by music for skeletons at 7:30 AM on December 25, 2023 [8 favorites]
I don't like reality TV, or sports... but I do love crime shows, and I know that some people find them disturbing or even disgusting. When I'm with people who like the things I don't, I try to imagine that they feel the same way about those as I do about my crime stuff. Sometimes humans are engaged, or relaxed, by weird things that don't necessarily make sense to other humans. That's part of the equation, and others have covered how thinking about it that way might help you.
But, the second thing that leaped out at me was how you can't stop your views on her media consumption from "leaking out." You are of course allowed to feel whatever you feel, but controlling when and how--and if--you express those feelings is a separate skill that you might benefit from developing. If it requires getting up and doing something else while your girlfriend is watching her shows, that's allowed too (and if she gives you a hard time about taking some space then that is another issue to be negotiated in your relationship).
posted by rpfields at 11:39 AM on December 25, 2023
But, the second thing that leaped out at me was how you can't stop your views on her media consumption from "leaking out." You are of course allowed to feel whatever you feel, but controlling when and how--and if--you express those feelings is a separate skill that you might benefit from developing. If it requires getting up and doing something else while your girlfriend is watching her shows, that's allowed too (and if she gives you a hard time about taking some space then that is another issue to be negotiated in your relationship).
posted by rpfields at 11:39 AM on December 25, 2023
I can see that the only solution is for me to let go of this judgment so I'm looking for advice or perspectives that might help me do this.
I don't know why. Judgment of the content is different than judgment of her as a person, or at least it can be. TV like that is like junk food, flavored to keep making you eat one more chip. My personal theory is that (back on reality TV) it's the reality-adjacent quality of it that makes you keep watching. You're watching to answer the question, "What bits of this are real?" If it's the Real Housewives franchises, they deliberately create a mystery around this aspect and they have people talking outside the episodes, officially and unofficially, making you even more curious. They also have enough people on those that it's possible you will have some sort of real-life connection or similarity to some of them. Ladies of London for some reason had a couple of people who were actually from Illinois, and I remember my partner, who absolutely despises reality TV, watching a few episodes trying to figure out exactly what Chicago Polish neighborhood one of the women was from and whether it was the one he grew up in.
I mean, I judge myself for some of the TV I can't stop watching. Just the regular news: I keep getting hooked into it long after the content for the day is repeating, because of the way they keep hyping the next segment. It's really silly but it's really human. But you get to feel like it's silly-- or exploitative, or whatever else it is, depening on the franchise.
posted by BibiRose at 6:38 AM on December 26, 2023
I don't know why. Judgment of the content is different than judgment of her as a person, or at least it can be. TV like that is like junk food, flavored to keep making you eat one more chip. My personal theory is that (back on reality TV) it's the reality-adjacent quality of it that makes you keep watching. You're watching to answer the question, "What bits of this are real?" If it's the Real Housewives franchises, they deliberately create a mystery around this aspect and they have people talking outside the episodes, officially and unofficially, making you even more curious. They also have enough people on those that it's possible you will have some sort of real-life connection or similarity to some of them. Ladies of London for some reason had a couple of people who were actually from Illinois, and I remember my partner, who absolutely despises reality TV, watching a few episodes trying to figure out exactly what Chicago Polish neighborhood one of the women was from and whether it was the one he grew up in.
I mean, I judge myself for some of the TV I can't stop watching. Just the regular news: I keep getting hooked into it long after the content for the day is repeating, because of the way they keep hyping the next segment. It's really silly but it's really human. But you get to feel like it's silly-- or exploitative, or whatever else it is, depening on the franchise.
posted by BibiRose at 6:38 AM on December 26, 2023
Something I always think about: there are things I enjoy that I'm ashamed of and I don't share that with people, generally. Another sort of person enjoys something that is, you know, a guilty pleasure, but they're not so ashamed that they hide it. Two different kinds of people is all. Surely there is something you enjoy that you are reluctant to share with others? You partner isn't that kind of person vis a vis reality TV. Not much more to it than that.
posted by kensington314 at 9:55 PM on December 26, 2023
posted by kensington314 at 9:55 PM on December 26, 2023
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Is she expecting you to watch with her? Or are you trying to also consume them yourself? If so, then....simply stop watching, and treat it as This Weird Thing She Likes But Whatever. (I'm doing the same with my father's insistence on watching football at this exact moment.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:26 PM on December 24, 2023 [9 favorites]