How to stop blurting in response to embarrassing memories
December 22, 2023 11:12 PM Subscribe
I suffer from a compulsion that's been discussed a few times on Metafilter, as well as in other places. Briefly, I tend to relive memories of events that were embarrassing or otherwise painful. And when I experience one of these memories, I typically blurt out a short phrase, or I grunt. I have a psychologist I'm working with, but I'm also crowdsourcing advice here on the Green.
I feel like my brain is out to get me. I have a vast library of unpleasant memories. Most of them concern events that were embarrassing but basically inconsequential. But mixed in with those memories are ones that pertain to truly difficult events from my past. I have a compulsion to replay these memories, maybe 30 or 40 times each day. When this happens to me, the memory is usually fleeting – lasting just a few seconds – but it's enough to make me cringe. And I usually blurt out a phrase like "I hate this" or "Fuck my life". Or sometimes I just grunt. I can usually control myself in public, but not always.
I've had this problem for years, but it's been getting steadily worse. My spouse is also tired of hearing me do it. I have a psychologist whom I've been seeing mainly for other reasons. He's generally helpful but seems perplexed about this issue. He suggested I choose a mantra to recite inwardly when I experience a painful memory. I chose, "It's only a thought", but this strategy doesn't seem to help me much (to be honest, though, I've only been doing the mantra for a couple of weeks).
I'm looking for other suggestions on how to proceed here. I'd like help with the blurting itself as well as with the underlying trigger (the painful memories) that leads to the blurting. This problem doesn't exactly incapacitate me, but it causes me a fair amount of grief, and I want to solve it.
I'll take any ideas from this thread and share them with my therapist. Thank you.
I feel like my brain is out to get me. I have a vast library of unpleasant memories. Most of them concern events that were embarrassing but basically inconsequential. But mixed in with those memories are ones that pertain to truly difficult events from my past. I have a compulsion to replay these memories, maybe 30 or 40 times each day. When this happens to me, the memory is usually fleeting – lasting just a few seconds – but it's enough to make me cringe. And I usually blurt out a phrase like "I hate this" or "Fuck my life". Or sometimes I just grunt. I can usually control myself in public, but not always.
I've had this problem for years, but it's been getting steadily worse. My spouse is also tired of hearing me do it. I have a psychologist whom I've been seeing mainly for other reasons. He's generally helpful but seems perplexed about this issue. He suggested I choose a mantra to recite inwardly when I experience a painful memory. I chose, "It's only a thought", but this strategy doesn't seem to help me much (to be honest, though, I've only been doing the mantra for a couple of weeks).
I'm looking for other suggestions on how to proceed here. I'd like help with the blurting itself as well as with the underlying trigger (the painful memories) that leads to the blurting. This problem doesn't exactly incapacitate me, but it causes me a fair amount of grief, and I want to solve it.
I'll take any ideas from this thread and share them with my therapist. Thank you.
I’m surprised that your psychologist hasn’t suggested approaching this issue like you would approach other kinds of trauma processing? Depending on your history and other tendencies and preferences you could try anything from EMDR to anxiety medications to journaling to walking meditation and beyond.
What happens when you try not to repress the blurting for a few days? Do you end up doing it less or more? Do you ruminate on unrelated things as well or just embarrassing or traumatic memories? What do you physically do to keep yourself from doing it in public? If you are very busy does it happen less? There’s all kinds of details that would help point you in a direction.
If something is affecting your life and it is worsening, it’s worth taking seriously. It sounds like at the least this is causing you to have some social anxiety, which any mental health professional should be able to help you work on.
Considering other people in the past (love that deep Mefi lore!) have shared similar behaviors, and I also know people who briefly talk to themselves or verbalize their internal state via noises sometimes, the behavior you described in the past seems to fall well within normal variations of being a person. So I would not make your goal to be always remaining perfectly silent unless you are talking to someone else, or anything else similarly draconian. Instead I would focus on your repetitive thoughts and the difficult feelings these memories lay on you, and getting that to lessen. It seems like making peace with those memories might be an avenue towards lessening your involuntary exclamations, but more importantly it would help you feel better internally.
For what it’s worth, I didn’t realize that I ruminated until I talked to a psychiatrist during a med consult and she called it that after I described it. I had already been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and depression for many years at that point and been on some different meds and worked with a handful of psychologists. But when I started talking about how I would lie awake at night with memories of embarrassment or fear relentlessly cycling in my head, and how I would sometimes be doing totally unrelated stuff and bam! Remember that horrible time in third grade??? would just rush into my head and I’d have to stop and shake it off but I’d keep thinking about having thought about it… the psychiatrist was like “oh yeah that’s rumination, I’m gonna double your SSRI dose.” And then she was like “a lot of people say the med you’re taking is particularly good at curbing rumination for them but it doesn’t kick in until they up the dose significantly, so if this doesn’t cut it we can go way higher.” Luckily it has worked pretty well! I can consciously stop thinking about an awful thing now, unless it is currently happening. But past stuff I can like, schedule times in my day to mull over and accept or move past. Yay chemistry!
posted by Mizu at 12:00 AM on December 23, 2023 [9 favorites]
What happens when you try not to repress the blurting for a few days? Do you end up doing it less or more? Do you ruminate on unrelated things as well or just embarrassing or traumatic memories? What do you physically do to keep yourself from doing it in public? If you are very busy does it happen less? There’s all kinds of details that would help point you in a direction.
If something is affecting your life and it is worsening, it’s worth taking seriously. It sounds like at the least this is causing you to have some social anxiety, which any mental health professional should be able to help you work on.
Considering other people in the past (love that deep Mefi lore!) have shared similar behaviors, and I also know people who briefly talk to themselves or verbalize their internal state via noises sometimes, the behavior you described in the past seems to fall well within normal variations of being a person. So I would not make your goal to be always remaining perfectly silent unless you are talking to someone else, or anything else similarly draconian. Instead I would focus on your repetitive thoughts and the difficult feelings these memories lay on you, and getting that to lessen. It seems like making peace with those memories might be an avenue towards lessening your involuntary exclamations, but more importantly it would help you feel better internally.
For what it’s worth, I didn’t realize that I ruminated until I talked to a psychiatrist during a med consult and she called it that after I described it. I had already been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and depression for many years at that point and been on some different meds and worked with a handful of psychologists. But when I started talking about how I would lie awake at night with memories of embarrassment or fear relentlessly cycling in my head, and how I would sometimes be doing totally unrelated stuff and bam! Remember that horrible time in third grade??? would just rush into my head and I’d have to stop and shake it off but I’d keep thinking about having thought about it… the psychiatrist was like “oh yeah that’s rumination, I’m gonna double your SSRI dose.” And then she was like “a lot of people say the med you’re taking is particularly good at curbing rumination for them but it doesn’t kick in until they up the dose significantly, so if this doesn’t cut it we can go way higher.” Luckily it has worked pretty well! I can consciously stop thinking about an awful thing now, unless it is currently happening. But past stuff I can like, schedule times in my day to mull over and accept or move past. Yay chemistry!
posted by Mizu at 12:00 AM on December 23, 2023 [9 favorites]
Since it's a habit, advice on habit change might help.
I think the strategy of adding a different gesture then refocusing on that instead could help? Perhaps something that symbolizes care and compassion for yourself, like placing your hand on your chest in a grounding gesture. Perhaps you could start by adding something like that, then see if that allows you to redirect the vocalizing part.
I would also seek out a psychologist who is less perplexed and get more into the route of this. Get assessed for ADHD if you haven't already, as habitual self-stimulation with negative thoughts is a thing.
posted by lookoutbelow at 12:45 AM on December 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
I think the strategy of adding a different gesture then refocusing on that instead could help? Perhaps something that symbolizes care and compassion for yourself, like placing your hand on your chest in a grounding gesture. Perhaps you could start by adding something like that, then see if that allows you to redirect the vocalizing part.
I would also seek out a psychologist who is less perplexed and get more into the route of this. Get assessed for ADHD if you haven't already, as habitual self-stimulation with negative thoughts is a thing.
posted by lookoutbelow at 12:45 AM on December 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
Hey there! A relative of mine has a verbal tic disorder and their doctor recommended cognitive behavioral interruption therapy (CBIT). The doctor pointed out that motor tics have both neurological and psychological components. My relative found this really helpful to hear because they were sort of in the mindset that if only they tried harder they should be able to stop. (Your description of sometimes being able to control yourself in public fuels this "if only I could do better" belief, which can add to stress, which can make the tic worse ... you get it.) This document, Emotional Overload and Tic Disorders, has a good overview.
From what I understand, the therapy often starts by finding the initiating micro physical gesture and using that as the point at which to work on interruption. Micro as in, maybe your eyes widen very slightly, or you purse your lips, for example, and from there the motor tic locks in and tumbles forward. The goal is to create awareness of that micro-moment and set up competing behaviors that interrupt this. So that's the neurological aspect. The psychological aspect includes things such as stress, intrusive thoughts, better sleep, etc. Understanding that periods of stress or change can increase the tic for a short time was helpful, too. Not many therapists are trained in CBIT (the Tourette Association has a CBIT provider map) but my relative was able to find one who could do the therapy via video call. If you can't find someone trained in CBIT, then habit reversal training (HRT) is a close relative.
On the medication front, they found guanfacine very helpful to "get ahead" of the tic and give them relief while they worked on the habit interruption stuff. It has some side effects which may or may not be helpful (increased focus and sleepiness), but I guess the biggest side effect is for many people it doesn't do anything. Good luck - relief is possible!
posted by cocoagirl at 3:10 AM on December 23, 2023 [10 favorites]
From what I understand, the therapy often starts by finding the initiating micro physical gesture and using that as the point at which to work on interruption. Micro as in, maybe your eyes widen very slightly, or you purse your lips, for example, and from there the motor tic locks in and tumbles forward. The goal is to create awareness of that micro-moment and set up competing behaviors that interrupt this. So that's the neurological aspect. The psychological aspect includes things such as stress, intrusive thoughts, better sleep, etc. Understanding that periods of stress or change can increase the tic for a short time was helpful, too. Not many therapists are trained in CBIT (the Tourette Association has a CBIT provider map) but my relative was able to find one who could do the therapy via video call. If you can't find someone trained in CBIT, then habit reversal training (HRT) is a close relative.
On the medication front, they found guanfacine very helpful to "get ahead" of the tic and give them relief while they worked on the habit interruption stuff. It has some side effects which may or may not be helpful (increased focus and sleepiness), but I guess the biggest side effect is for many people it doesn't do anything. Good luck - relief is possible!
posted by cocoagirl at 3:10 AM on December 23, 2023 [10 favorites]
Not a solution in itself, but possibly helpful for when you start working on this: in a way, it's really convenient that this is happening so often. The 30 or 40 times per day correspond to 30 or 40 opportunities to practice your new way of dealing with this!
I've found this kind of thinking to be helpful to reduce the stress of 'yikes, it happened again' and direct my thoughts in a more positive direction.
posted by demi-octopus at 3:47 AM on December 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
I've found this kind of thinking to be helpful to reduce the stress of 'yikes, it happened again' and direct my thoughts in a more positive direction.
posted by demi-octopus at 3:47 AM on December 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
I have a psychologist whom I've been seeing mainly for other reasons. He's generally helpful but seems perplexed about this issue.
Echoing everyone else that this sounds like something to take to a psychiatrist or neurologist rather than a therapist. It sounds like something in the OCD or tic disorder families.
Good luck!
posted by trig at 4:23 AM on December 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
Echoing everyone else that this sounds like something to take to a psychiatrist or neurologist rather than a therapist. It sounds like something in the OCD or tic disorder families.
Good luck!
posted by trig at 4:23 AM on December 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
I also sometimes do this in terms of the verbal response to a sudden embarrassing memory, it used to be more frequent, but 30-40 times a day is a lot! Is it anything in particular that's coming up, or a common theme that runs through these memories? It might be good to get at the root cause of this with your therapist, rather than trying to manage the surface level symptoms alone. In terms of the vocalisations - I have a habit generally of talking to myself, so when I'd make a little noise of pain in response to a physical cringe sensation, I'd try to talk myself down with neutral reframing statements out loud, eg, 'okay yes that was kind of an awkward thing to say but also who cares, everyone else has forgotten about it, how much have I cared or remembered when I've heard someone else say something awkward?' etc etc. Something like this might work for you at times when you have the privacy, or maybe positive affirmations.
posted by chives at 4:28 AM on December 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by chives at 4:28 AM on December 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
I get this too, but not as frequently as you described.
I've come to think of it privately as horrible little rejected bits of myself trying to re-integrate with the whole, like missing jigsaw pieces. So when they come up I think "Yes. That happened." or "Yes, I did that." Or "Yes, I know." It's an ongoing process, but it seems to be taking some of the painful pressure off them as they click into place to form the big gnarly grungy scribbly imperfect jigsaw of myself.
posted by Grunyon at 4:43 AM on December 23, 2023 [10 favorites]
I've come to think of it privately as horrible little rejected bits of myself trying to re-integrate with the whole, like missing jigsaw pieces. So when they come up I think "Yes. That happened." or "Yes, I did that." Or "Yes, I know." It's an ongoing process, but it seems to be taking some of the painful pressure off them as they click into place to form the big gnarly grungy scribbly imperfect jigsaw of myself.
posted by Grunyon at 4:43 AM on December 23, 2023 [10 favorites]
I've tried to pair rumination with a calming slow exhale instead of the thing I want to blurt. I also try to remind myself that hey, we're all just humans, it's water flowing under a bridge, next thought please, and I like what Grunyon just said about jigsaw pieces.
posted by Dashy at 5:07 AM on December 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by Dashy at 5:07 AM on December 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
Ironically if you try too hard to argue with your intrusive thoughts, they just take stronger hold. It can be helpful when it happens to try to immediately “change the subject” in your head to something neutral.
I think EMDR could be helpful for you, since there seems to be a component of shame here and perhaps trauma. It was very helpful for me.
I also found that the right medication vastly, vastly improved this problem for me. It took a few tries to find the right one. A good psychiatrist can be really helpful.
posted by mai at 5:41 AM on December 23, 2023 [3 favorites]
I think EMDR could be helpful for you, since there seems to be a component of shame here and perhaps trauma. It was very helpful for me.
I also found that the right medication vastly, vastly improved this problem for me. It took a few tries to find the right one. A good psychiatrist can be really helpful.
posted by mai at 5:41 AM on December 23, 2023 [3 favorites]
I read once that your brain does this protectively. In older times, you relived every second of that scary brush with disaster - a wild animal or swift river - to reinforce the fear reaction you should have next time. It helps me cooperate with my sometimes-jerk brain to think this way.
Develop some alternate memories and thoughts. Then, Here's my unpleasant thought memory again, let's plan how I'd build a house instead. Also, review the memory and add a disclaimer that embarrassing, wrong, foolish moments happen to everyone, you were, of course, not intentionally unkind, just awkward, and that's a human reality. I find this useful for intrusive thoughts.
My brother wore a rubber band on his wrist and snapped it hard to change the behavior and to remind himself to move away from intrusive thoughts; he said it was helping.
posted by theora55 at 6:58 AM on December 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
Develop some alternate memories and thoughts. Then, Here's my unpleasant thought memory again, let's plan how I'd build a house instead. Also, review the memory and add a disclaimer that embarrassing, wrong, foolish moments happen to everyone, you were, of course, not intentionally unkind, just awkward, and that's a human reality. I find this useful for intrusive thoughts.
My brother wore a rubber band on his wrist and snapped it hard to change the behavior and to remind himself to move away from intrusive thoughts; he said it was helping.
posted by theora55 at 6:58 AM on December 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
I will spare you the details but I have suffered what you suffer all my life. Consider seeking a presciption for Propranolol. It's a heart pressure drug which was later found to have a side effect of denaturing painful memories.
I talked my PA into a prescription for it and found out the part about losing the painful part of painful memories was true. It really helps with being able to step off the merry-go-round of perpetual self-recrimination when such memories come to mind.
posted by y2karl at 8:43 AM on December 23, 2023 [4 favorites]
I talked my PA into a prescription for it and found out the part about losing the painful part of painful memories was true. It really helps with being able to step off the merry-go-round of perpetual self-recrimination when such memories come to mind.
posted by y2karl at 8:43 AM on December 23, 2023 [4 favorites]
Wow, I have this compulsion too and didn't realize others experienced so I'm grateful you've started this conversation! For me, the blurting is so immediate and automatic that I don't think I can control it, and instead, as others have offered here, I've found it far more helpful to address the rumination and embarrassing memories (through CBT and medication) than to attempt to curb the blurting on its own.
That said, I find it more successful to do that work on older memories, but I still find myself doing the blurting (and having a harder time controlling the thoughts) when it's a very recent memory, like something that just happened a few moments ago, where I'm still experiencing anxiety from the interaction. My body is physically overwhelmed by the anxiety and I just kind of lose control over my physiological reactions and just ruminate and blurt at high intensity (and yes, Ruminate and Blurt should be the next big cartoon duo).
I don't have a suggestion for that latter example, but I mention it in case others do!
posted by Ms. Toad at 9:24 AM on December 23, 2023 [3 favorites]
That said, I find it more successful to do that work on older memories, but I still find myself doing the blurting (and having a harder time controlling the thoughts) when it's a very recent memory, like something that just happened a few moments ago, where I'm still experiencing anxiety from the interaction. My body is physically overwhelmed by the anxiety and I just kind of lose control over my physiological reactions and just ruminate and blurt at high intensity (and yes, Ruminate and Blurt should be the next big cartoon duo).
I don't have a suggestion for that latter example, but I mention it in case others do!
posted by Ms. Toad at 9:24 AM on December 23, 2023 [3 favorites]
Thank you, anonymous, and everyone chiming into the thread for your courage in talking about this. It's only recently I've admitted out loud that I struggle with this issue and that it bothers me, and that act of facing reality is powerful in and of itself.
I personally haven't found success with CBT techniques and/or habit engineering for this (although those tools have helped many other aspects of my life). I'm in IFS-based trauma therapy and on an SSRI, and those are both helpful in so many ways, but they haven't touched this either.
What is helping me is a listening-based self-dialogue approach that has had three components.
First, I took a chunk of time to sit down with my blurty voice and list out the phrases in its repertoire. Then I sat with those phrases and listened for the meaning/feeling beneath the words. Then I wrote down a translation key. For example, if I blurt "I hate myself," for me, that translates to, "I'm hurting. I want to feel better.""I'm so stupid," translates to "I made a mistake, and I'm embarrassed."
Second, I made a list of compassionate responses to the translations of each blurt. For example, my response to the meaning beneath "I'm so stupid" is: "I make mistakes. I'm human. I'll try my best to learn from it." The trick with the responses is they have to be positive responses that I have evidence to believe - generic affirmations don't work.
Now, every time I blurt, it's a chance to pay attention to what's not feeling good and to talk back to myself compassionately and kindly. Giving into the blurts this way feels like it's finally getting me traction on this.
Third and final thing: for me, the blurts are an artifact of a relentlessly damaging upbringing. I think a lot about that Gottman ratio of 5:1 positive:negative interactions to keep a relationship healthy. I think that's true in our relationships with ourselves too. So because my first 20 years were heavy on the negative messaging, I have to keep working to tip the balance positive now. The way I do this is by filling my media consumption and interpersonal relationships with kind people doing cool things to make their lives and the world better, and by being selective about what I watch and listen to about news, politics, and current events. I stay engaged with the reality of our world, but I'm realistic that my lifetime negative:positive balance means I will always need to be careful not to overdo the doses of despair.
Good luck to you, anonymous, and to everyone here! I'm so grateful to have a few more strategies to explore myself!
posted by Jade Horning at 10:22 AM on December 23, 2023 [8 favorites]
I personally haven't found success with CBT techniques and/or habit engineering for this (although those tools have helped many other aspects of my life). I'm in IFS-based trauma therapy and on an SSRI, and those are both helpful in so many ways, but they haven't touched this either.
What is helping me is a listening-based self-dialogue approach that has had three components.
First, I took a chunk of time to sit down with my blurty voice and list out the phrases in its repertoire. Then I sat with those phrases and listened for the meaning/feeling beneath the words. Then I wrote down a translation key. For example, if I blurt "I hate myself," for me, that translates to, "I'm hurting. I want to feel better.""I'm so stupid," translates to "I made a mistake, and I'm embarrassed."
Second, I made a list of compassionate responses to the translations of each blurt. For example, my response to the meaning beneath "I'm so stupid" is: "I make mistakes. I'm human. I'll try my best to learn from it." The trick with the responses is they have to be positive responses that I have evidence to believe - generic affirmations don't work.
Now, every time I blurt, it's a chance to pay attention to what's not feeling good and to talk back to myself compassionately and kindly. Giving into the blurts this way feels like it's finally getting me traction on this.
Third and final thing: for me, the blurts are an artifact of a relentlessly damaging upbringing. I think a lot about that Gottman ratio of 5:1 positive:negative interactions to keep a relationship healthy. I think that's true in our relationships with ourselves too. So because my first 20 years were heavy on the negative messaging, I have to keep working to tip the balance positive now. The way I do this is by filling my media consumption and interpersonal relationships with kind people doing cool things to make their lives and the world better, and by being selective about what I watch and listen to about news, politics, and current events. I stay engaged with the reality of our world, but I'm realistic that my lifetime negative:positive balance means I will always need to be careful not to overdo the doses of despair.
Good luck to you, anonymous, and to everyone here! I'm so grateful to have a few more strategies to explore myself!
posted by Jade Horning at 10:22 AM on December 23, 2023 [8 favorites]
The blurting itself, imo, is no big deal, I think we’ve all done that, it’s super common. It’s like saying “ow!” when you’ve hurt your thumb, but in response to emotional pain.
The frequency of the underlying rumination, and the (sounds like social) anxiety and PTSD, those need to be dealt with.
1) as a first step, work on relaxing in general. Bring that heightened physical sensitivity down a little with some activity, and proper rest and nutrition. Swimming is amazing because it forces you to breathe regularly. Walking is great, too. Magnesium supplements help with anxiety (probably good to follow a balanced diet). Follow sleep hygiene principles.
Propranolol for sure can help with this, also gabapentin (but read the side effects).
Also make sure there isn’t a medical reason for anxiety being high - anything from thyroid problems, to vitamin deficiencies, to gut problems (or heart, like there are so many things that can either increase anxiety directly or indirectly by eg your brain interpreting a heart rate that’s high for other reasons as something else). Just saying get a good physical and bloodwork to rule all those out.
2) Mindfulness can help to create some distance between the emotion you’re experiencing and you as the perceiver. There are programs for mindfulness meditation that your psychologist should know about.
3) the big things that are hopefully happening in therapy. For traumatic memories, remembering them as if they’re happening to you reinforces the trauma. Something you should be working towards in therapy is evaluating these events more coolly, from a more removed perspective, with an attitude of compassion instead of judgement.
If your psychologist isn’t helping with 3) yet, you need to talk to them about what your goals are and/or find someone else if they’re unhelpful.
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:16 AM on December 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
The frequency of the underlying rumination, and the (sounds like social) anxiety and PTSD, those need to be dealt with.
1) as a first step, work on relaxing in general. Bring that heightened physical sensitivity down a little with some activity, and proper rest and nutrition. Swimming is amazing because it forces you to breathe regularly. Walking is great, too. Magnesium supplements help with anxiety (probably good to follow a balanced diet). Follow sleep hygiene principles.
Propranolol for sure can help with this, also gabapentin (but read the side effects).
Also make sure there isn’t a medical reason for anxiety being high - anything from thyroid problems, to vitamin deficiencies, to gut problems (or heart, like there are so many things that can either increase anxiety directly or indirectly by eg your brain interpreting a heart rate that’s high for other reasons as something else). Just saying get a good physical and bloodwork to rule all those out.
2) Mindfulness can help to create some distance between the emotion you’re experiencing and you as the perceiver. There are programs for mindfulness meditation that your psychologist should know about.
3) the big things that are hopefully happening in therapy. For traumatic memories, remembering them as if they’re happening to you reinforces the trauma. Something you should be working towards in therapy is evaluating these events more coolly, from a more removed perspective, with an attitude of compassion instead of judgement.
If your psychologist isn’t helping with 3) yet, you need to talk to them about what your goals are and/or find someone else if they’re unhelpful.
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:16 AM on December 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
I'm sorry you are going through this. However if it helps, I am too. You are not alone. The advice I got was to immediately counter it with a positive memory or say "where are you going" out loud to stop myself further going down that path. gratitude meditation has also helped.
posted by evilmonk at 11:32 AM on December 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by evilmonk at 11:32 AM on December 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
But mixed in with those memories are ones that pertain to truly difficult events from my past. I have a compulsion to replay these memories, maybe 30 or 40 times each day.
Hey internet stranger. I'm having a lot of compassion for you now. I want to suggest that you not focus on stopping the blurting. Thinking about the blurting is how you continue to beat yourself up. First, you have a bad memory, then you blurt, and then you think bad things about yourself for blurting.
I want to suggest the work here is to figure out why you're stuck replaying these painful memories so frequently, and also to take away the power of those memories. There are two kinds of work that might help with this that I, a very non-expert, know of: EMDR, as folks have suggested, to loosen the hold of those painful memories, and mindfulness, so that they have less power when they do come up.
It's like your brain has taken some trauma, some bad things that you weren't responsible for, and linked them to embarrassing moments, perhaps where you committed a very minor social foible, as a way to somehow blame yourself for the trauma. Maybe that's easier for your brain than being mad at the people who caused/were responsible for the very bad things. Is it easier to hate yourself than to be mad at (perhaps) an attachment figure who hurt you?
I think you need to figure out what's going on with those memories, with the hurt you experienced. As long as you continue to focus on the blurting, or your behaviors where you felt embarrassed, you are preventing yourself from focusing on the pain and anger behind those memories and emotions.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:43 PM on December 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
Hey internet stranger. I'm having a lot of compassion for you now. I want to suggest that you not focus on stopping the blurting. Thinking about the blurting is how you continue to beat yourself up. First, you have a bad memory, then you blurt, and then you think bad things about yourself for blurting.
I want to suggest the work here is to figure out why you're stuck replaying these painful memories so frequently, and also to take away the power of those memories. There are two kinds of work that might help with this that I, a very non-expert, know of: EMDR, as folks have suggested, to loosen the hold of those painful memories, and mindfulness, so that they have less power when they do come up.
It's like your brain has taken some trauma, some bad things that you weren't responsible for, and linked them to embarrassing moments, perhaps where you committed a very minor social foible, as a way to somehow blame yourself for the trauma. Maybe that's easier for your brain than being mad at the people who caused/were responsible for the very bad things. Is it easier to hate yourself than to be mad at (perhaps) an attachment figure who hurt you?
I think you need to figure out what's going on with those memories, with the hurt you experienced. As long as you continue to focus on the blurting, or your behaviors where you felt embarrassed, you are preventing yourself from focusing on the pain and anger behind those memories and emotions.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:43 PM on December 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
Also: "Hey spouse, I know my blurts are frustrating to you. They are to me, too. I am going to start working on getting to the root of these painful memories. While I am working on that, I really need some space from you not to express irritation at the blurts. This is who I am right now, and I am trying to heal from some big painful stuff. I would like to ask your support in being as non-reactive as possible to the blurting, so that I can focus on dealing with the pain behind it all, and not the small behaviors that keep cropping up as a consequence of my brain's way of dealing with really shitty stuff from when I was younger."
posted by bluedaisy at 12:46 PM on December 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by bluedaisy at 12:46 PM on December 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
I am familiar with the involuntary outburst. For instance, yesterday, exhausted, no sleep, starving, I convinced myself to enter the liquor and gourmet food store at about 4 PM to get some olives. I encountered, of course, a crowd of people gathered around the cheese and olive counter and spilling into the spendy whiskey aisle. I took about two milliseconds to observe this situation and then I said, apparently not far enough under my breath, "Not tryna stand in no fuckin fancyolive line right now" and whirled around and out the door. I know I was only saying and doing what probably nearly everybody else in there wished they could say and do if only their superegos were like mine, namely in a sleep-deprived state of dormancy, but I still got weird looks.
I've had more than a few of these over the many irritating decades of my life, but the one that stands out at the moment is a particularly satisfying one I experienced at a community meeting. The city has been trying for years to sell an empty lot in our neighborhood to a developer so they can plop an enormous three-story condo complex on it. Everybody is against this plan because it will shade out the community garden next to it and create havoc for people with no off-street parking. Everybody, that is, except a couple who live around the corner from me who won't be able to see the thing, anyway, and won't be harmed by it at all. These two have a gorgeous three-story Victorian house they've turned into a bed and breakfast. They've turned part of their yard into a capacious parking pad for themselves and their B&B patrons, so the fact that the city isn't going to require the condo developer to provide parking won't affect them. Nevertheless, every meeting about the empty lot, they pipe up and say, "well, our place is three stories and we don't get a lot of complaints--come check it out sometime!" [smug smiles] The last time the husband started in on this recitative, I interrupted and said "TIRED OF HEARING about your beautiful, five-bedroom 1800s structure that is entirely in keeping with the style of the neighborhood and whose third story is a modest attic and one single beautiful tower room covered in gingerbread. The city is not planning to move a charming Thomas Kincaid house onto that lot, now is it?" There was a lot of head nodding and yepping and some applause and the B&B couple has now ceased to do their annoying performance art piece at every meeting about the vacant lot.
So involuntary outbursts can feel okay--even kind of great--if they only happen once in a while, but I can see it would start to get really old if it happened every day and was tripped off not by external situations and other people but by rumination and self-recrimination. I agree with people here that it's probably a tic disorder. Because it is making you unhappy, I say consult a neurologist. I mean, not only does it bother you when it happens, I worry that trying to suppress your blurting means you get deprived of the occasionally appropriate and not self-directed involuntary blast-offs like the one I had yesterday and the one at that meeting that time. If so, I very much dislike that for you: you should have the same rights and freedoms I have to shoot your mouth off occasionally when the situation warrants it and to feel fine about it.
posted by Don Pepino at 1:17 PM on December 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
I've had more than a few of these over the many irritating decades of my life, but the one that stands out at the moment is a particularly satisfying one I experienced at a community meeting. The city has been trying for years to sell an empty lot in our neighborhood to a developer so they can plop an enormous three-story condo complex on it. Everybody is against this plan because it will shade out the community garden next to it and create havoc for people with no off-street parking. Everybody, that is, except a couple who live around the corner from me who won't be able to see the thing, anyway, and won't be harmed by it at all. These two have a gorgeous three-story Victorian house they've turned into a bed and breakfast. They've turned part of their yard into a capacious parking pad for themselves and their B&B patrons, so the fact that the city isn't going to require the condo developer to provide parking won't affect them. Nevertheless, every meeting about the empty lot, they pipe up and say, "well, our place is three stories and we don't get a lot of complaints--come check it out sometime!" [smug smiles] The last time the husband started in on this recitative, I interrupted and said "TIRED OF HEARING about your beautiful, five-bedroom 1800s structure that is entirely in keeping with the style of the neighborhood and whose third story is a modest attic and one single beautiful tower room covered in gingerbread. The city is not planning to move a charming Thomas Kincaid house onto that lot, now is it?" There was a lot of head nodding and yepping and some applause and the B&B couple has now ceased to do their annoying performance art piece at every meeting about the vacant lot.
So involuntary outbursts can feel okay--even kind of great--if they only happen once in a while, but I can see it would start to get really old if it happened every day and was tripped off not by external situations and other people but by rumination and self-recrimination. I agree with people here that it's probably a tic disorder. Because it is making you unhappy, I say consult a neurologist. I mean, not only does it bother you when it happens, I worry that trying to suppress your blurting means you get deprived of the occasionally appropriate and not self-directed involuntary blast-offs like the one I had yesterday and the one at that meeting that time. If so, I very much dislike that for you: you should have the same rights and freedoms I have to shoot your mouth off occasionally when the situation warrants it and to feel fine about it.
posted by Don Pepino at 1:17 PM on December 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
Oh yes I get this! I had to do a lot of work on deep subconscious shame. In my case it was a blurt out distraction to not fully think the thought / memory that was shameful. “Don’t look here - look over there at what I just said!” That kind of thing.
What really helped honestly was stuff in the psychedelic & holotropic space (sorry). Almost like “no way through but through” to re-face the feelings and then give them an alternative ending, where I feel empowered and in control.
After getting some peace with shame, then I just do as Grunyon said above, sit with it for a moment, feel a little embarrassed and let it wash over and out because I’m an adult now and my mind is strong enough to handle a few cringes now and again.
And! Congratulate yourself when you feel a cringe. That’s how you know you’re not a narcissist. It’s like a little bad tasting vitamin of emotional maturity. You’re doing great!
posted by St. Peepsburg at 1:54 PM on December 23, 2023 [6 favorites]
What really helped honestly was stuff in the psychedelic & holotropic space (sorry). Almost like “no way through but through” to re-face the feelings and then give them an alternative ending, where I feel empowered and in control.
After getting some peace with shame, then I just do as Grunyon said above, sit with it for a moment, feel a little embarrassed and let it wash over and out because I’m an adult now and my mind is strong enough to handle a few cringes now and again.
And! Congratulate yourself when you feel a cringe. That’s how you know you’re not a narcissist. It’s like a little bad tasting vitamin of emotional maturity. You’re doing great!
posted by St. Peepsburg at 1:54 PM on December 23, 2023 [6 favorites]
I do the blurting too, but I just say nonsense words. I think for me it's similar to St. Peepsburg, trying to distract myself from the memory or trying to shift from rumination inside my head to translating the experience into the physical world where I feel less stuck and more able to move into another headspace through movement or sound.
I've long seen this is as a weird coping mechanism. Not necessarily the best one, but one which allows me to move on. I think this is basically what I need, to acknowledge the experience of remembering and move on. Your version of this sounds more frequent or more difficult. If I heard my partner saying "I hate my life" many times a day I would find that distressing, personally. I wonder if before you start attacking the root problem there is a change you could make or a conversation you could havewoth your partner thay would allow them to better understand and support you, such as my version where I make a weird noise.
posted by Summers at 2:20 PM on December 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
I've long seen this is as a weird coping mechanism. Not necessarily the best one, but one which allows me to move on. I think this is basically what I need, to acknowledge the experience of remembering and move on. Your version of this sounds more frequent or more difficult. If I heard my partner saying "I hate my life" many times a day I would find that distressing, personally. I wonder if before you start attacking the root problem there is a change you could make or a conversation you could havewoth your partner thay would allow them to better understand and support you, such as my version where I make a weird noise.
posted by Summers at 2:20 PM on December 23, 2023 [2 favorites]
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I have a different but perhaps somewhat similar compulsion to ruminate on difficult memories, and I have found that the right medication dramatically reduces that tendency.
(I can’t speak to the blurting, but maybe if you were ruminating less in the first place it would also reduce the blurting. 30 to 40 times per day does sound like a clinically significant compulsion and worth addressing even without the blurting.)
posted by mekily at 11:49 PM on December 22, 2023 [2 favorites]