Interval Etiquette
December 10, 2023 3:23 AM Subscribe
Did I totally misread this situation?
My friend told me about a performance she was due to participate in at her local church and suggested I attend. She told me that another friend of hers was attending. I told her I would attend if I could. A couple of days later she sent me information about it. I responded that it looked great and the next day she sent more detailed information. I very much felt obliged to attend to show my support as she had accompanied and driven me to a different event earlier in the week, even though ordinarily I would never buy a ticket for an event of this type. We both knew I would be attending alone. My social anxiety was high and it was a tremendous effort for me as I knew that unless I managed to speak to her at the interval I would be wandering or sitting alone during the interval.
Luckily, I did see her at the interval. She came over to me and I gave her a gift. Just as I had done this, her husband approached. I was under the impression that her family members were not attending as she had not mentioned that they would be, only another friend (who didn’t turn up). Her husband did not acknowledge me but proceeded to talk quietly to her and they both seemed to back away from me a little. It then proceeded to be quite awkward with me trying to talk to my friend on one side and her husband talking to her on the other. I very much felt like I was imposing on a private conversation. After a couple of minutes, I told them I was going to have a look around. They both immediately said OK and looked relieved. I actually just went back to my seat and got my phone out. Around 5-10 minutes passed and my friend came over. She looked a little guilty or concerned (I couldn’t tell) and asked if I wanted a lift back home with them at the end to which I declined as I was quite happy to walk back again. She thanked me again for the gift and hoped I enjoyed the second half.
Was I imposing during the interval? What should I have done in this situation?
My friend told me about a performance she was due to participate in at her local church and suggested I attend. She told me that another friend of hers was attending. I told her I would attend if I could. A couple of days later she sent me information about it. I responded that it looked great and the next day she sent more detailed information. I very much felt obliged to attend to show my support as she had accompanied and driven me to a different event earlier in the week, even though ordinarily I would never buy a ticket for an event of this type. We both knew I would be attending alone. My social anxiety was high and it was a tremendous effort for me as I knew that unless I managed to speak to her at the interval I would be wandering or sitting alone during the interval.
Luckily, I did see her at the interval. She came over to me and I gave her a gift. Just as I had done this, her husband approached. I was under the impression that her family members were not attending as she had not mentioned that they would be, only another friend (who didn’t turn up). Her husband did not acknowledge me but proceeded to talk quietly to her and they both seemed to back away from me a little. It then proceeded to be quite awkward with me trying to talk to my friend on one side and her husband talking to her on the other. I very much felt like I was imposing on a private conversation. After a couple of minutes, I told them I was going to have a look around. They both immediately said OK and looked relieved. I actually just went back to my seat and got my phone out. Around 5-10 minutes passed and my friend came over. She looked a little guilty or concerned (I couldn’t tell) and asked if I wanted a lift back home with them at the end to which I declined as I was quite happy to walk back again. She thanked me again for the gift and hoped I enjoyed the second half.
Was I imposing during the interval? What should I have done in this situation?
Best answer: Your behavior sounds polite and kind. They could probably have handled their situation more gracefully by either (1) including you in their conversation, or (2) saying something like, “Thanks so much for coming! I need to check in with my husband for a moment, but I’ll see you after the show.” You did the right thing to give them space, and the fact that your friend checked in with you at the end of the show (apologetically, even) indicates that no harm was done and that your friend was likely glad to see you there. You’re all good.
posted by ourobouros at 4:02 AM on December 10, 2023 [12 favorites]
posted by ourobouros at 4:02 AM on December 10, 2023 [12 favorites]
Best answer: I think you did fine; either your friend or her husband should have apologized for the interruption but maybe he thought he was coming in at a natural stopping point in the conversation and/or she didn't realize it was going to take so long or maybe one or both of them is just kind of socially awkward. In general, I wouldn't expect to be able to talk to a performer for the entirety of the interval, so at some point you were going to have to go back to your seat and mess around on your phone (a perfectly acceptable interval activity); it's just the end of the conversation was a bit awkward.
I do wonder though if maybe you should have just skipped the performance! It sounds like it was a stressful experience for you and something that you didn't really want to do. As someone who invites friends to see my performances, I would be a little sad if someone was explicitly coming out of obligation to pay me back for a favor. I always encourage friends to come to my concerts if I think there's the remotest chance they're going to have a good time, because word of mouth advertising is the main way people find out about a lot of the kinds of events I perform in. But it's also totally OK with me if they don't come. Hard to tell from your description whether the friend was pushing you to come or if your social anxiety was maybe making a bigger deal out of this than necessary.
posted by mskyle at 6:23 AM on December 10, 2023
I do wonder though if maybe you should have just skipped the performance! It sounds like it was a stressful experience for you and something that you didn't really want to do. As someone who invites friends to see my performances, I would be a little sad if someone was explicitly coming out of obligation to pay me back for a favor. I always encourage friends to come to my concerts if I think there's the remotest chance they're going to have a good time, because word of mouth advertising is the main way people find out about a lot of the kinds of events I perform in. But it's also totally OK with me if they don't come. Hard to tell from your description whether the friend was pushing you to come or if your social anxiety was maybe making a bigger deal out of this than necessary.
posted by mskyle at 6:23 AM on December 10, 2023
Best answer: Good on you for going, it probably meant a lot to your friend! I think she probably felt awkward too, live performance is hard, you get jittery, I know I feel happy people came but also a little embarrassed! Its also hard to balance the competing needs and the wanting to acknowledge them all of various friends and family who are there, while keeping your focus for the next part of the performance.
The husband, who knows. Could be anything. Put it out of your mind.
It was great you went and I think you handled the awkwardness well! 👏
posted by tiny frying pan at 7:29 AM on December 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
The husband, who knows. Could be anything. Put it out of your mind.
It was great you went and I think you handled the awkwardness well! 👏
posted by tiny frying pan at 7:29 AM on December 10, 2023 [3 favorites]
Best answer: No, you were 100% good.
If anything, your friend had a duty to play host to you here, and should have prioritized attention to you over her husband at intermission, since you were the less-likely person to come see her at this event. Of course, there are times/situations where an issue upends that, and it sounds like one may have arisen here, and in that case you should bow out politely (which you did), but that's the natural pecking order. So if you are perceiving a socially dis-ordered thing, that may have been it.
But you read this correctly, and handled it well, and good on you for going in the first place.
posted by Dashy at 8:34 AM on December 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
If anything, your friend had a duty to play host to you here, and should have prioritized attention to you over her husband at intermission, since you were the less-likely person to come see her at this event. Of course, there are times/situations where an issue upends that, and it sounds like one may have arisen here, and in that case you should bow out politely (which you did), but that's the natural pecking order. So if you are perceiving a socially dis-ordered thing, that may have been it.
But you read this correctly, and handled it well, and good on you for going in the first place.
posted by Dashy at 8:34 AM on December 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Yeah, I agree with the other answers, this was not about you at all and your behaviour was totally fine. Something was going on between the couple and it was the husband's behaviour that was a little rude, if anything. You handled it fine and I'm sure your friend appreciates the fact that you showed up for her.
posted by rpfields at 8:56 AM on December 10, 2023
posted by rpfields at 8:56 AM on December 10, 2023
Best answer: Commenting on the sitting with phone part…That is fine! Intermission gives the performers a break and it gives the audience a break too. Use the restroom, get a drink, whatever makes you happy. The space where I often attend by myself also has an art exhibit in the lobby and around the corner. When I just can’t look at another painting, I sit by myself and play on my phone. There is no obligation to chat to strangers in this setting.
posted by CathyG at 9:37 AM on December 10, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by CathyG at 9:37 AM on December 10, 2023 [5 favorites]
Best answer: No-one was judging you on your interval behaviour.
posted by Sebmojo at 2:47 PM on December 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Sebmojo at 2:47 PM on December 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Yeah, the husband is the one who barged in and made it weird. "I'll let you guys talk, I'll be around." and then walk away. I give them about three sentences to make it just a quick interruption, after which I'm done standing there like a doof.
posted by rhizome at 6:13 PM on December 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by rhizome at 6:13 PM on December 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
In short, sounds like you were fine and your friend and her husband didn't handle whatever was going on with them in the best way but it's almost certainly about them and not about you.
posted by snaw at 3:56 AM on December 10, 2023 [51 favorites]