Why am I nearly obsessed with this?
December 8, 2023 9:49 AM Subscribe
An old friend from childhood has died in some sort of accident and I can't stop thinking about it. Why?
Over 40 years ago when I was a child, I had a good friend I used to spend a lot of time with. I have great, very vivid memories of playing together at after school club and at each others houses, at the roller rink, etc. We were friends for about 4 years until she got bullied so badly by other classmates she switched to a different school.
After that I saw her very sporadically and by our teens we weren't really friends anymore. But we used to run into each other from time to time and have pleasant chats - we never had any argumentsor anything. Then I left town and we lost touch completely until we reconnected via Facebook 15 years ago. We messaged a couple times, wished each other happy birthday some years, and occasionally she would post photos from childhood and tag me. But I would say since the age of about 12 we were distant acquaintances, not friends.
She was always very creative and artistic, she was beautiful and did a bit of modelling, and she had a successful career. On Facebook she was surrounded by tons of friends who really cared about her. But she and I were opposites in terms of our politics - she was a Trump supporter and her husband was into guns. I don't think we would have been friends nowadays even if we lived near each other.
About 10 days ago I saw on Facebook that she had died. Ever since then I've been kind of obsessed with it. I keep thinking about her poor children and her mom, and reading through the hundreds of messages from her friends. I know she died very suddenly in an accident but I don't know what kind of accident or anything. I think about it a lot and wonder what it could have been - but we don't have any close friends in common I could ask. I would not and will not contact her family as that would be intrusive and I know I have absolutely no right to know what happened if her family don't want to make that information public.
I don't have many happy memories from childhood. I was bullied also and abused by my parents. But I remember my friend vividly and how much fun we had together. And I just am having trouble believing someone so vibrant with such a full life could be gone in an instant and I don't know how or why. So my question is (and sorry for writing so much) why can't I stop thinking about this and basically what's wrong with me and how do I fix it? Thank you.
Over 40 years ago when I was a child, I had a good friend I used to spend a lot of time with. I have great, very vivid memories of playing together at after school club and at each others houses, at the roller rink, etc. We were friends for about 4 years until she got bullied so badly by other classmates she switched to a different school.
After that I saw her very sporadically and by our teens we weren't really friends anymore. But we used to run into each other from time to time and have pleasant chats - we never had any argumentsor anything. Then I left town and we lost touch completely until we reconnected via Facebook 15 years ago. We messaged a couple times, wished each other happy birthday some years, and occasionally she would post photos from childhood and tag me. But I would say since the age of about 12 we were distant acquaintances, not friends.
She was always very creative and artistic, she was beautiful and did a bit of modelling, and she had a successful career. On Facebook she was surrounded by tons of friends who really cared about her. But she and I were opposites in terms of our politics - she was a Trump supporter and her husband was into guns. I don't think we would have been friends nowadays even if we lived near each other.
About 10 days ago I saw on Facebook that she had died. Ever since then I've been kind of obsessed with it. I keep thinking about her poor children and her mom, and reading through the hundreds of messages from her friends. I know she died very suddenly in an accident but I don't know what kind of accident or anything. I think about it a lot and wonder what it could have been - but we don't have any close friends in common I could ask. I would not and will not contact her family as that would be intrusive and I know I have absolutely no right to know what happened if her family don't want to make that information public.
I don't have many happy memories from childhood. I was bullied also and abused by my parents. But I remember my friend vividly and how much fun we had together. And I just am having trouble believing someone so vibrant with such a full life could be gone in an instant and I don't know how or why. So my question is (and sorry for writing so much) why can't I stop thinking about this and basically what's wrong with me and how do I fix it? Thank you.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. Sudden death is scary and unexpected and you’re normal to be thinking about it. I second the suggestion to write a card to the family. Give yourself space and empathy. You care and that’s why it’s on your mind.
posted by sucre at 9:59 AM on December 8, 2023 [10 favorites]
posted by sucre at 9:59 AM on December 8, 2023 [10 favorites]
there is nothing wrong with you! death--especially unexpected sudden death--is hard! it's normal to want to know "what happened" but you're right not to ask since you aren't in her family's orbit.
would it help to share a post on facebook about her and your happy memories, so her friends could read it? i know when a friend of mine dies i am happy to know how many people loved them and have happy memories of them.
you're allowed to grieve this person, even if you haven't been friends or in touch in many years. they were important to you once, and it's okay to be sad they're gone.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 10:10 AM on December 8, 2023 [6 favorites]
would it help to share a post on facebook about her and your happy memories, so her friends could read it? i know when a friend of mine dies i am happy to know how many people loved them and have happy memories of them.
you're allowed to grieve this person, even if you haven't been friends or in touch in many years. they were important to you once, and it's okay to be sad they're gone.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 10:10 AM on December 8, 2023 [6 favorites]
Death is frightening. Death of someone close to you in age more so, because it reminds you of your own mortality. Death of someone of the same age who was a good friend in childhood even more complexly so, as it means part of your own history has been lost.
It's obvious you have warm memories of this person's part in your childhood. It would not be intrusive at all to send the family a card saying so. Just remember to focus on sharing the memories and not on your own feelings of shock, confusion, and so forth.
posted by praemunire at 10:10 AM on December 8, 2023 [1 favorite]
It's obvious you have warm memories of this person's part in your childhood. It would not be intrusive at all to send the family a card saying so. Just remember to focus on sharing the memories and not on your own feelings of shock, confusion, and so forth.
posted by praemunire at 10:10 AM on December 8, 2023 [1 favorite]
I would suggest that when a loss hits harder than one might expect it is usually because it is linked to other things. In your case, it might be a combination of the death of someone that you knew and felt warmly towards plus the sudden, accidental nature which reminds all that death can be unexpectedly close but also because it the loss of one of the few good things from your childhood. It's the loss of little bit of your own childhood and that extra bit of loss might be what is making this so hard for you.
Having lost a few family members of my own, i know that receiving an unexpected condolence letter from someone felt really good. All the more if it gave me a glimpse into a part of their life that I hadn't known much about. You don't have to say they were the best person ever, just a describe a few of your specific warm memories and let them know that there is someone else in the world that is also sad about the death of the person that they loved.
posted by metahawk at 10:12 AM on December 8, 2023 [5 favorites]
Having lost a few family members of my own, i know that receiving an unexpected condolence letter from someone felt really good. All the more if it gave me a glimpse into a part of their life that I hadn't known much about. You don't have to say they were the best person ever, just a describe a few of your specific warm memories and let them know that there is someone else in the world that is also sad about the death of the person that they loved.
posted by metahawk at 10:12 AM on December 8, 2023 [5 favorites]
You're thinking about it because she was an important part of your life. She wasn't a regular part of your current life, but your life is not just today, right? She was a part of your childhood, which is part of your life, which you're still living. It's still a loss of someone who was an important part of your life, even if you didn't see her much recently.
As others have said, nothing's wrong with you. You could look into resources for dealing with grief, which is what this is. Although it seems like less of a loss than someone you might have seen every day until they died, on the other hand it's made more difficult by the fact that you're not in a position to share in the loss with a group of other people who knew her, find out the context, talk about how sad it makes you with other people who knew her. We often deal best with big stuff like this socially, and you don't have that option, which is making it ricochet around inside your head. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you - you're grieving in difficult circumstances.
I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by penguin pie at 10:30 AM on December 8, 2023 [6 favorites]
As others have said, nothing's wrong with you. You could look into resources for dealing with grief, which is what this is. Although it seems like less of a loss than someone you might have seen every day until they died, on the other hand it's made more difficult by the fact that you're not in a position to share in the loss with a group of other people who knew her, find out the context, talk about how sad it makes you with other people who knew her. We often deal best with big stuff like this socially, and you don't have that option, which is making it ricochet around inside your head. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you - you're grieving in difficult circumstances.
I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by penguin pie at 10:30 AM on December 8, 2023 [6 favorites]
Nothing's wrong. You're grieving. This sounds like a normal way to grieve someone who was very important to you at one point, especially when you don't have, and for quite understandable reasons don't expect to get, answers on some of your questions about how she died.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by Stacey at 10:37 AM on December 8, 2023 [1 favorite]
I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by Stacey at 10:37 AM on December 8, 2023 [1 favorite]
There's nothing wrong with you. Grieving someone who was very much part of your life once but isn't any more isn't weird, and grief manifests in all kinds of unexpected ways. And that's even without the layers of being reminded of your own mortality and that no one can count on being in control of how their life ends. It's a lot of heavy stuff and it's not surprising to me that it's been churning in your mind for ten days. It may for longer, and that wouldn't be weird, either.
I think sharing warm memories of your friend in some way is good advice, but if it doesn't feel right for you, writing something down just for yourself might help. Or setting aside some time to quietly commemorate your friend - put on some music, light a candle, and sit with your memories and feelings for awhile, or do something else that feels meaningful to you to honor the place she had in your life.
posted by EvaDestruction at 10:37 AM on December 8, 2023
I think sharing warm memories of your friend in some way is good advice, but if it doesn't feel right for you, writing something down just for yourself might help. Or setting aside some time to quietly commemorate your friend - put on some music, light a candle, and sit with your memories and feelings for awhile, or do something else that feels meaningful to you to honor the place she had in your life.
posted by EvaDestruction at 10:37 AM on December 8, 2023
A few years ago I read of the passing of a high school acquaintance. We weren't close and it seemed they had a great life, respected at work, and their family included grandchildren. That said, I hadn't thought of them for decades. Yet my hearing of their death struck a chord deep within me, feelings I brought to my therapist.
Two things were at play. First, this was someone fairly close to me in age. When they died, it reminded me that I was no longer a youngster and people I know/knew will die. If I want to reconnect with any old friends I need to do it while we're both alive.
Second, although we were in many activities together while in school, I hadn't seen nor thought of this person for a very long time. In my mind, they were still young and in high school, meaning theirs was the death of the person I remembered, not who they were in life.
Those two parts combined and, in the end, I was mourning the loss of my youth, using this person's death as a proxy.
posted by bacalao_y_betun at 10:54 AM on December 8, 2023 [6 favorites]
Two things were at play. First, this was someone fairly close to me in age. When they died, it reminded me that I was no longer a youngster and people I know/knew will die. If I want to reconnect with any old friends I need to do it while we're both alive.
Second, although we were in many activities together while in school, I hadn't seen nor thought of this person for a very long time. In my mind, they were still young and in high school, meaning theirs was the death of the person I remembered, not who they were in life.
Those two parts combined and, in the end, I was mourning the loss of my youth, using this person's death as a proxy.
posted by bacalao_y_betun at 10:54 AM on December 8, 2023 [6 favorites]
This is totally normal. Peer deaths hit us directly in the Big Mortality Feels, and they're often far more emotionally simple to grapple with than a closer family member (because there's often damage or complications there) or even a close friend where you're channeling your hurt and confusion into help and support for the people around them.
You process this, just like we process any other grief. You're not going to feel this intensely about it forever, it will settle down in your mind and you may find it has changed you slightly in the future - maybe you'll be more motivated to not let friendships lapse, maybe you'll just be more mindful of how fragile we all are - but you're not going to be forever broken by this event. It passes all too fast.
This isn't wrong and it doesn't need fixing. If it's causing you anxiety, intrusive thoughts, or is otherwise harming your ability to function on a daily basis you may need to take some steps to deal with the anxiety. If you are prone to obsessing over things you may need to apply your intervention skills. But maybe all you need to do is write it out, maybe find a friend to talk to about it so you can process verbally, maybe even write a letter to her saying what you wish you could say - or maybe address it to the universe. Go put some good into the world in her honor - send $10 to a charity she probably would have liked, go on Donors Choose and give a classroom some supplies in honor of her importance to you as a child yourself. Take a minute to go tell your other friends you care about them, even if it feels cheesy.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:05 AM on December 8, 2023 [1 favorite]
You process this, just like we process any other grief. You're not going to feel this intensely about it forever, it will settle down in your mind and you may find it has changed you slightly in the future - maybe you'll be more motivated to not let friendships lapse, maybe you'll just be more mindful of how fragile we all are - but you're not going to be forever broken by this event. It passes all too fast.
This isn't wrong and it doesn't need fixing. If it's causing you anxiety, intrusive thoughts, or is otherwise harming your ability to function on a daily basis you may need to take some steps to deal with the anxiety. If you are prone to obsessing over things you may need to apply your intervention skills. But maybe all you need to do is write it out, maybe find a friend to talk to about it so you can process verbally, maybe even write a letter to her saying what you wish you could say - or maybe address it to the universe. Go put some good into the world in her honor - send $10 to a charity she probably would have liked, go on Donors Choose and give a classroom some supplies in honor of her importance to you as a child yourself. Take a minute to go tell your other friends you care about them, even if it feels cheesy.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:05 AM on December 8, 2023 [1 favorite]
I’m sorry for your loss.
My take is a bit self-centered based on my own self-centered experience. So many parts of ourselves are held in the memories of other people. I cannot remember everything about my childhood, but I remember many parts, and the people who experienced my childhood with me remember some parts, and my family remember some parts, and together these individual memories form some kind of uncollected whole.
I felt that, when my childhood best friend passed, parts of me were lost too - I no longer have her memories of me, nor her to remember them. It felt like both the loss of a friend and the loss of parts of me.
posted by samthemander at 11:16 AM on December 8, 2023 [7 favorites]
My take is a bit self-centered based on my own self-centered experience. So many parts of ourselves are held in the memories of other people. I cannot remember everything about my childhood, but I remember many parts, and the people who experienced my childhood with me remember some parts, and my family remember some parts, and together these individual memories form some kind of uncollected whole.
I felt that, when my childhood best friend passed, parts of me were lost too - I no longer have her memories of me, nor her to remember them. It felt like both the loss of a friend and the loss of parts of me.
posted by samthemander at 11:16 AM on December 8, 2023 [7 favorites]
Is it too late to attend the funeral or other event? You might get a lot out of it.
posted by JimN2TAW at 12:04 PM on December 8, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by JimN2TAW at 12:04 PM on December 8, 2023 [1 favorite]
I think you identified with her, and vicariously sharing her successes helped you get through the great difficulties of your own life.
There's nothing wrong with that, and in fact if you weren’t such a good natured and generous minded human being, you would have been consumed with envy instead.
But now her death is hitting you exceptionally hard because through that vicarious identification, it’s like an important part of you has died.
posted by jamjam at 12:28 PM on December 8, 2023 [1 favorite]
There's nothing wrong with that, and in fact if you weren’t such a good natured and generous minded human being, you would have been consumed with envy instead.
But now her death is hitting you exceptionally hard because through that vicarious identification, it’s like an important part of you has died.
posted by jamjam at 12:28 PM on December 8, 2023 [1 favorite]
I recently went to an event for survivors of suicide loss, and they had us do an activity - drawing a placemats for our lost loved one to join us at the table. You might want to do something like that - write her a letter, say, or draw a picture with her in it or a placemat for her at dinner. What's hard about it can help you figure out what you're hung up on yourself - a feeling like you "have no right to care this much" can get in the way of your own processing, and engaging directly rather than through other people can help you get around it by not needing to justify that.
posted by Lady Li at 1:04 PM on December 8, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by Lady Li at 1:04 PM on December 8, 2023 [2 favorites]
Some years ago, a person I loved in my youth died.
He was a missing person, then his body was discovered, then a cause of death was determined. This process took months.
I'm sure there are specific terms for what I experienced, that a psychologist could explain.
But I grieved the person, who I loved so fiercely when I was young. The human mind abhors loose ends, so I hated not knowing where he was, and then waiting to discover the manner of his death. I felt cut off from the community of grief, as an old girlfriend who was in sporadic touch.
And I felt an onrush of fear, because if he could die, so can anyone. I could die at any time, which I knew intellectually but had never really accepted.
All grief is complicated and weird, and I can't give a date for when it felt better. I sent his mom a note, telling some stories about her son, and some photos. I still use his mixing bowls, that I borrowed and never returned back in 1997.
Today when I think about him I smile. I changed my life in small ways to honor him.
I think everything you feel is normal, because it sounds so achingly familiar to me.
Grief isn't a bouncer with a velvet rope, deciding who gets to grieve and then keeping everyone else out. It's a bomb where everyone gets hit by different kinds of shrapnel.
posted by champers at 3:44 AM on December 9, 2023 [2 favorites]
He was a missing person, then his body was discovered, then a cause of death was determined. This process took months.
I'm sure there are specific terms for what I experienced, that a psychologist could explain.
But I grieved the person, who I loved so fiercely when I was young. The human mind abhors loose ends, so I hated not knowing where he was, and then waiting to discover the manner of his death. I felt cut off from the community of grief, as an old girlfriend who was in sporadic touch.
And I felt an onrush of fear, because if he could die, so can anyone. I could die at any time, which I knew intellectually but had never really accepted.
All grief is complicated and weird, and I can't give a date for when it felt better. I sent his mom a note, telling some stories about her son, and some photos. I still use his mixing bowls, that I borrowed and never returned back in 1997.
Today when I think about him I smile. I changed my life in small ways to honor him.
I think everything you feel is normal, because it sounds so achingly familiar to me.
Grief isn't a bouncer with a velvet rope, deciding who gets to grieve and then keeping everyone else out. It's a bomb where everyone gets hit by different kinds of shrapnel.
posted by champers at 3:44 AM on December 9, 2023 [2 favorites]
Nothing is wrong with you. Someone who played a major role in your life is gone, suddenly, and that can have a lot of meaning and impact. Grief is hard!
Even though you were not longer close, and probably wouldn't be if you had made an attempt, this represents a kind of finality / lost opportunity of reconnecting with this person and your past. They were an anchor to your happy memories of childhood - if you wanted, you could reach out and relive some of those experiences. They would be able to relate to you on a level that other people can't. And now that's gone, suddenly with no warning.
There are people I haven't been in touch with in decades that I would be very sorry to learn they died. Even though we're not in touch, I find it comforting to know they're still out there and that our paths could cross.
It also is a shock to the system when someone we know our own age dies, especially suddenly. You're probably feeling mortality – your own and those close to you – with some intensity right now.
You need some time to heal and to absorb all this. It might help if you can talk about your memories with your friend to someone else. Memorialize them and say goodbye. Maybe do something nice in her name, like make a donation to a charity you might both have wanted to support.
posted by jzb at 11:34 AM on December 9, 2023 [1 favorite]
Even though you were not longer close, and probably wouldn't be if you had made an attempt, this represents a kind of finality / lost opportunity of reconnecting with this person and your past. They were an anchor to your happy memories of childhood - if you wanted, you could reach out and relive some of those experiences. They would be able to relate to you on a level that other people can't. And now that's gone, suddenly with no warning.
There are people I haven't been in touch with in decades that I would be very sorry to learn they died. Even though we're not in touch, I find it comforting to know they're still out there and that our paths could cross.
It also is a shock to the system when someone we know our own age dies, especially suddenly. You're probably feeling mortality – your own and those close to you – with some intensity right now.
You need some time to heal and to absorb all this. It might help if you can talk about your memories with your friend to someone else. Memorialize them and say goodbye. Maybe do something nice in her name, like make a donation to a charity you might both have wanted to support.
posted by jzb at 11:34 AM on December 9, 2023 [1 favorite]
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posted by shadygrove at 9:52 AM on December 8, 2023 [41 favorites]