Help me (over-)communicate
November 29, 2023 2:44 PM Subscribe
I have come to realize I need to communicate my thoughts and ideas more, and more explicitly. This feels very unnatural. How do I hold myself accountable?
I aim to improve this both at work and in my relationships, but better communication at work would be the priority for now. When talking to colleagues, I tend to not keep things for myself, unless I am nearly certain that I’m right or that what I am saying is valuable. I am often scared to ask stupid questions or to contribute something that makes me look uninformed. I sometimes make assumptions instead of asking questions. On several occasions, this has resulted in me missing out on opportunities to learn or to make useful contributions.
I realize that to emulate my more socially comfortable colleagues, I need to do what (to me) feels like over-communicating, like sharing ideas that I don’t think are great just for the sake of getting feedback (or who knows - maybe the idea is actually good!), asking questions even though the answer might seem obvious to me (my assumptions aren’t always correct!), contributing thoughts and experiences even if I don’t feel like anyone really cares to hear them (rationally, I know that one’s wrong).
I am a fairly disciplined person, but this goal has eluded me for a while. I know what to do and I know I can do it, but I don't know how to make myself do it long-term. I think it’s because the rewards from this behaviour are not necessarily immediate, and often I ruminate after speaking up, so it can even feel actively bad to work at this. Another excuse I make for myself is that as long as my work is excellent, it will "speak for itself", but I know I am missing out by not speaking about it myself as well.
What are some tricks that would help me keep myself accountable? Maybe a quantifiable objective, like the number of times I speak up? How to do this without sacrificing quality for quality? How can I make this feel more natural? I welcome any tips or personal experiences from fellow socially anxious/self-critical/strong silent types.
(I am seeing a therapist and plan on discussing potential strategies with them, but the MetaFilter community has always offered me excellent advice in the past, so I figured I would expand my query.)
I aim to improve this both at work and in my relationships, but better communication at work would be the priority for now. When talking to colleagues, I tend to not keep things for myself, unless I am nearly certain that I’m right or that what I am saying is valuable. I am often scared to ask stupid questions or to contribute something that makes me look uninformed. I sometimes make assumptions instead of asking questions. On several occasions, this has resulted in me missing out on opportunities to learn or to make useful contributions.
I realize that to emulate my more socially comfortable colleagues, I need to do what (to me) feels like over-communicating, like sharing ideas that I don’t think are great just for the sake of getting feedback (or who knows - maybe the idea is actually good!), asking questions even though the answer might seem obvious to me (my assumptions aren’t always correct!), contributing thoughts and experiences even if I don’t feel like anyone really cares to hear them (rationally, I know that one’s wrong).
I am a fairly disciplined person, but this goal has eluded me for a while. I know what to do and I know I can do it, but I don't know how to make myself do it long-term. I think it’s because the rewards from this behaviour are not necessarily immediate, and often I ruminate after speaking up, so it can even feel actively bad to work at this. Another excuse I make for myself is that as long as my work is excellent, it will "speak for itself", but I know I am missing out by not speaking about it myself as well.
What are some tricks that would help me keep myself accountable? Maybe a quantifiable objective, like the number of times I speak up? How to do this without sacrificing quality for quality? How can I make this feel more natural? I welcome any tips or personal experiences from fellow socially anxious/self-critical/strong silent types.
(I am seeing a therapist and plan on discussing potential strategies with them, but the MetaFilter community has always offered me excellent advice in the past, so I figured I would expand my query.)
For both sharing ideas that might not be good and questions to check assumptions, flagging exactly what you're doing can both help it feel more natural/less risky to you, AND increase the clarity of what you're doing. You don't need to be overly apologetic about this, but phrases like "I'm just brainstorming here, but what if [half baked idea]" and "just to check my assumptions, [maybe obvious question]" can be very useful.
On a similar note, I apologize if this is obvious or you're already doing this! (I delete over 50 percent of my askme responses before posting, just in case they are probably too obvious or unwanted...this probably does increase the average quality of my responses but may be an overcorrection. I figured it made sense to push through for this one though.)
posted by itsatextfile at 3:53 PM on November 29, 2023 [6 favorites]
On a similar note, I apologize if this is obvious or you're already doing this! (I delete over 50 percent of my askme responses before posting, just in case they are probably too obvious or unwanted...this probably does increase the average quality of my responses but may be an overcorrection. I figured it made sense to push through for this one though.)
posted by itsatextfile at 3:53 PM on November 29, 2023 [6 favorites]
I am a 'think outside the box' sort of person and my contributions to group discussions are often met with blank stares. But... about 20% of the time they spark an idea for someone who is a little more in-bounds than myself. My germ of an idea, one that I likely never would have been able to develop myself, helps the group reach a working solution.
Even my naive suggestions work that way. There are some times when I feel like I didn't do appropriate research, but there are others when I feel that bringing a basic knowledge of the topic without a lot of baggage has been a plus for everyone.
One result of this is that despite the eventual solution barely being related to my suggestion I get credited as one of its creators. For example my name is on at least one patent that my sole contribution to was two really naive questions.
From a practical standpoint my suggestion is this: In any given discussion allow yourself one stupid suggestion/ignorant comment. Take it as a freebie, no need to ruminate, consider it as putting a starter into the pot for other people to riff off. Sometimes they will, sometimes they won't, but that's what it is to be part of a group effort.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:05 PM on November 29, 2023 [1 favorite]
Even my naive suggestions work that way. There are some times when I feel like I didn't do appropriate research, but there are others when I feel that bringing a basic knowledge of the topic without a lot of baggage has been a plus for everyone.
One result of this is that despite the eventual solution barely being related to my suggestion I get credited as one of its creators. For example my name is on at least one patent that my sole contribution to was two really naive questions.
From a practical standpoint my suggestion is this: In any given discussion allow yourself one stupid suggestion/ignorant comment. Take it as a freebie, no need to ruminate, consider it as putting a starter into the pot for other people to riff off. Sometimes they will, sometimes they won't, but that's what it is to be part of a group effort.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:05 PM on November 29, 2023 [1 favorite]
I am often scared to ask stupid questions or to contribute something that makes me look uninformed.
First: There are no stupid questions. There are only questions you don't know the answer to.
Second: It me. Has been for a long time. The way I got/get past that is by realizing that there are no stupid questions. If you need to ask a question that in your mind is obvious, it might help to preface it as such: "This may be a silly/obvious question, but...". Disarm the conversation before it's armed against you, as it were.
posted by pdb at 5:34 PM on November 29, 2023
First: There are no stupid questions. There are only questions you don't know the answer to.
Second: It me. Has been for a long time. The way I got/get past that is by realizing that there are no stupid questions. If you need to ask a question that in your mind is obvious, it might help to preface it as such: "This may be a silly/obvious question, but...". Disarm the conversation before it's armed against you, as it were.
posted by pdb at 5:34 PM on November 29, 2023
One "hack" that I use is to make notes for myself before a meeting and bring them to the meeting to refer to. This way I can refine my idea(s) related to the meeting topic on my own time and work out a clear and concise way to express them, which I have a hard time doing "on the fly".
posted by heatherlogan at 6:47 PM on November 29, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by heatherlogan at 6:47 PM on November 29, 2023 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I was you. I am now the person that you're talking to. In both cases, questions are the way.
Ask 'stupid' questions. I would expect you to ask questions to confirm you got the point, in fact I really hope someone asks me questions; stony silence tells me nothing about your level of understanding, and I really want to know that you understand. Also, I like it when you read back to me your understanding of what I just said in your own words, and I still do that myself all the time when I'm talking with other people - either just say it outright or work through an example situation with the information you just heard. Weirdly, I get compliments for doing it on occasion.
The aim for both of us in these conversations is for you to walk away with the most information you can get; it's just more efficient.
Similarly, your questionable ideas are better thought of as hypotheses, and they need testing. If you put them out there, you are looking for someone to tell you (a) if anything is wrong with an idea and (b) how it could be improved. Look for the people who do (b) - they're the good ones - and if you find someone consistently doing (a) without (b) - or worse, telling you that it's wrong and not how it's wrong - remember that's a problem with them, not you.
I don't think you can quantify it in terms of the number of times you speak, as such, but I would at least try to speak once or twice asking for a confirmation and see how it makes you feel. First time around, it feels like you're wasting the time of an important person and you really do have to push yourself, but once you do it a few times you start to see that in fact it's the opposite.
posted by How much is that froggie in the window at 8:20 PM on November 29, 2023 [1 favorite]
Ask 'stupid' questions. I would expect you to ask questions to confirm you got the point, in fact I really hope someone asks me questions; stony silence tells me nothing about your level of understanding, and I really want to know that you understand. Also, I like it when you read back to me your understanding of what I just said in your own words, and I still do that myself all the time when I'm talking with other people - either just say it outright or work through an example situation with the information you just heard. Weirdly, I get compliments for doing it on occasion.
The aim for both of us in these conversations is for you to walk away with the most information you can get; it's just more efficient.
Similarly, your questionable ideas are better thought of as hypotheses, and they need testing. If you put them out there, you are looking for someone to tell you (a) if anything is wrong with an idea and (b) how it could be improved. Look for the people who do (b) - they're the good ones - and if you find someone consistently doing (a) without (b) - or worse, telling you that it's wrong and not how it's wrong - remember that's a problem with them, not you.
I don't think you can quantify it in terms of the number of times you speak, as such, but I would at least try to speak once or twice asking for a confirmation and see how it makes you feel. First time around, it feels like you're wasting the time of an important person and you really do have to push yourself, but once you do it a few times you start to see that in fact it's the opposite.
posted by How much is that froggie in the window at 8:20 PM on November 29, 2023 [1 favorite]
What are some tricks that would help me keep myself accountable? Maybe a quantifiable objective, like the number of times I speak up? How to do this without sacrificing quality for quality? How can I make this feel more natural? I welcome any tips or personal experiences from fellow socially anxious/self-critical/strong silent types.
I am taking this from therapy (but am not a therapist) but to avoid putting a lot of pressure on yourself in the moment to do something right away- at the outset, can you put a practice into your day where you reflect and identify when you felt like you could have spoken up and did not (as well as any you did speak up and appreciate yourself for it.) This is really about observing yourself and identifying any patterns or situations that particularly leave you feeling like you don't want to speak up. I'd probably pick one or maybe two moments that really feel most important to you in a day to avoid getting overwhelmed by it.
It could look like:
- What was the situation? Who was there?
- What would you have said that you didn't?
- What were you thinking when you weren't speaking up? (i.e., "I'm not sure this is relevant, I am not sure I am right, etc."
- What do you think would have been the impact of speaking up? (For yourself; for those you were with)
- Do you have an opportunity to say it tomorrow? (i.e., can you send an email "upon further reflection, I think" to someone?)
Then after a week or two - look at your notes. Do you find yourself not speaking up in particular situations (i.e., meetings where you don't have time to reflect; around certain people who are maybe conversation dominators; where your boss is there; etc.) Do you find yourself avoiding certain subjects or social patterns (i.e., do you find yourself struggling with "what's new" back and forth with people; do you avoid subjects you know really well or those you don't know well at all; etc.)
You may identify a more specific space that you want to start with and how you might want to approach it that provides you the concrete, verifiable stuff you're looking for to track progress. Good luck - this is hard work but very worthwhile!
posted by openhearted at 6:14 AM on November 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
I am taking this from therapy (but am not a therapist) but to avoid putting a lot of pressure on yourself in the moment to do something right away- at the outset, can you put a practice into your day where you reflect and identify when you felt like you could have spoken up and did not (as well as any you did speak up and appreciate yourself for it.) This is really about observing yourself and identifying any patterns or situations that particularly leave you feeling like you don't want to speak up. I'd probably pick one or maybe two moments that really feel most important to you in a day to avoid getting overwhelmed by it.
It could look like:
- What was the situation? Who was there?
- What would you have said that you didn't?
- What were you thinking when you weren't speaking up? (i.e., "I'm not sure this is relevant, I am not sure I am right, etc."
- What do you think would have been the impact of speaking up? (For yourself; for those you were with)
- Do you have an opportunity to say it tomorrow? (i.e., can you send an email "upon further reflection, I think" to someone?)
Then after a week or two - look at your notes. Do you find yourself not speaking up in particular situations (i.e., meetings where you don't have time to reflect; around certain people who are maybe conversation dominators; where your boss is there; etc.) Do you find yourself avoiding certain subjects or social patterns (i.e., do you find yourself struggling with "what's new" back and forth with people; do you avoid subjects you know really well or those you don't know well at all; etc.)
You may identify a more specific space that you want to start with and how you might want to approach it that provides you the concrete, verifiable stuff you're looking for to track progress. Good luck - this is hard work but very worthwhile!
posted by openhearted at 6:14 AM on November 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
Best answer: My experience with working on this kind of thing is on a more personal level, after receiving feedback at various times over the years that the amount of thought-sharing and personal disclosure that seemed totally natural and sufficient to me was leaving people close to me feeling like they didn't really know what was going on inside me. Presently, two things are true for me on this front: first, I have worked on it and gotten better about it because I recognize the high relational value of making the effort to externalize and thus make myself more interpersonally legible, and second, this will probably never feel entirely instinctive to me, and that's okay too. Being an internal processor is not a worse or lesser way of being a person. Putting words to certain things feels more comfortable and 'natural' now than it once did, but it can also feel, even years later, almost physically effortful. No matter. If I'm doing it (in a way that's in integrity and not crossing my own boundaries) it's a win.
Conceptually, I sometimes think in terms of exchange rates. Today $1 in USD is equivalent to 133.49 Nepalese rupees and to 529.80 Costa Rican colones. You're coming from a place where words/ideas/contributions are very concentrated in value: when you offer something up, you have really sifted through the possibilities and made a decision that this one thing is worth it to offer. People who are more freely communicative might assign the same level of value to 133 or 529 words- the per-word/idea cost just is not as high. That means there is less of a cost to expressing more, and the good news is that it also means that there is less of an expectation that every single word/idea has to pack a punch. The good stuff is still in there, but the stakes aren't sky-high on every single utterance. If you can understand yourself as operating within a different economy, it might free you up a bit to be a little looser with your expectations of your own communication or your post-contribution rumination. You are likely much harder on yourself than other people are in their evaluations of you, which I know is easy to know cognitively and harder to really internalize. Good luck to you.
posted by wormtales at 6:34 AM on November 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
Conceptually, I sometimes think in terms of exchange rates. Today $1 in USD is equivalent to 133.49 Nepalese rupees and to 529.80 Costa Rican colones. You're coming from a place where words/ideas/contributions are very concentrated in value: when you offer something up, you have really sifted through the possibilities and made a decision that this one thing is worth it to offer. People who are more freely communicative might assign the same level of value to 133 or 529 words- the per-word/idea cost just is not as high. That means there is less of a cost to expressing more, and the good news is that it also means that there is less of an expectation that every single word/idea has to pack a punch. The good stuff is still in there, but the stakes aren't sky-high on every single utterance. If you can understand yourself as operating within a different economy, it might free you up a bit to be a little looser with your expectations of your own communication or your post-contribution rumination. You are likely much harder on yourself than other people are in their evaluations of you, which I know is easy to know cognitively and harder to really internalize. Good luck to you.
posted by wormtales at 6:34 AM on November 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
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Climber: “On belay”
Belayer: “Belay on”
Climber: “Climbing”
Belayer: “Climb on”
And the climber heads on up only after this whole exchange has been completed.
It might help to think of your communication about seemingly obvious items as something like this, basically ensuring everyone is on the same page before actions happen. It might feel a little silly or redundant, but the alternative is making a wrong assumption that could be dangerous, even deadly. In a business context, you might not literally kill anyone, but you could do something similarly bad in a business context. Things that seem obvious might actually bear confirmation, expression, and repetition because not everyone thinks the same way as you or knows all the same things.
posted by music for skeletons at 3:12 PM on November 29, 2023 [7 favorites]