Pro domme work - is it for me, and how to get started?

November 10, 2023 1:51 PM

First thing - please, please do not do that thing I've seen people do when someone asks this - where they go "You should KNOW, this isn't FUN and GAMES. This is SERIOUS HARD WORK" because... I know. I'm not some whippersnapper who wants in because I think it's fun and glamorous. I'm in my thirties and have struggled my entire life to find a job that suits my disabilities. This seems like it could be a viable option, but I am already very hesitant for safety reasons.

The reason I think this could work for me is - physically and mentally, I can do almost anything for a couple hours, but I struggle to do anything for a full eight hour shift (including sitting still). Stamina and consistency are my biggest challenges. Some days my body is working well and I can do a lot, and some days I'm barely capable of anything. The short hours and flexible schedule would work well for me.

I have been participating in BDSM recreationally since... well, before puberty, to be honest, so I have a lot of experience there. I am petrified of stalkers, though, and it seems like that could be a big risk. I'm curious to hear people's experiences and perspectives.

posted by anonymous to Work & Money (4 answers total)

I know dommes who work exclusively online doing things like chats, live cam shows and phone calls. That might be an option for you. But they do have to hustle almost constantly to keep up their online presence (and in an increasingly hostile world of social media) and the pay is sporadic, not enough to live on as a full time job. They do photoshoots, exclusive cam shows, extras. Promotion takes up almost as much time as the actual work. They're also competing with a lot of people who have decided to go into similar work for similar reasons to you. It might be something you could check out, though.

As a physical job, you'd have to be able to travel and stand/sit for more than a couple of hours. You might have to move around a lot. It would be risky, as you know, and clients can be weird/creepy/stalker-y. The full service and BDSM-orientated sex workers I know are often booked for whole evenings or even entire days at a time. You could turn these clients down but obviously you'd be earning less.
posted by fight or flight at 1:59 PM on November 10, 2023 [2 favorites]

Disability wise, yes it's very accommodating (I got into it for similar reasons, 20 years ago)

(Note the following mostly applies if you live in the U.S.):

Unfortunately your timing is off. The best time to enter any part of the sex industry was when craigslist and backpage were still around, before FOSTA/SESTA (pre 2018). The second best time was before the pandemic. Now the chances of breaking in and making a full time living (especially without doing full service work, which most pro-dommes avoid) are close to null because of A) the lack of online advertising spaces due to the law and B) the huge influx of new workers ("supply") since covid, who are your competition. Add to that the current inflation and recession (or what feels like one) that is impacting the industry, and it's going to be an uphill battle.
posted by cboggs at 4:07 PM on November 10, 2023 [3 favorites]

It sounds like findomme might be a niche worth exploring. It can be done all on-line (so less risk of a physical stalker), non-physical domination so fewer stamina concerns, and would maximise your earning potential for obvious reasons.

Plus as a woman in her thirties (I'm assuming you're a woman but apologies if not) with a long history of BDSM you've probably got a strong grasp of the psychology of your prospective play partners and what they need, which is likely to help maintain a loyal customer base more so than specific physical attributes.
posted by underclocked at 1:21 AM on November 11, 2023 [1 favorite]

There are many sex workers who openly post on their (personal, non-work) social media accounts about working while living with a disability. In fact, many describe personal situations and health symptoms that are similar to what you describe. I am not a sex worker myself, so I can't give you advice from personal experience, but I can tell you what I've learned from many years of listening to people in the industry.

I'd recommend that you join any relevant subreddits and discord servers where sex workers hang out. To protect their privacy, I will not be sharing direct links in this AskMe, but please feel free to MeMail me.

Also, listen to what cboggs said. FOSTA/SESTA has made SW more dangerous, as well as more difficult to promote. And yes, the pandemic definitely flooded the market. I think this is where it can help to create a niche for clients who want something very, very specific.

Yes, stalking is a real risk. It's not always the clients, either - sometimes it's an upset partner/girlfriend/wife. I do think that this is where it can be helpful to have a community/network of fellow SWers who can give you safety tips to help you prepare. Nothing is foolproof, but there are steps you can take to mitigate the risk.

It's not clear from your question if you're hoping to provide virtual or in-person domme services. I agree with others that should you decide to do this, findom could be a good fit for you since you can do it online and it's more lucrative.

So, as far as how to get started, I'd say join some communities that are friendly to SWers who are just starting out. Even if it's just to lurk. You'll get an idea of whether this is something you really want to do.

You'll want to put some serious effort into thinking about what unique or niche services you can offer to help you stand out from competitors. I hate this word but you've got to define your "brand." Do market research by looking into the services that other SWers offer for a particular niche or type of SW. Not just what services they offer, but what methods and platforms they use to promote those services. How much do they charge, and what type of payment model or fee schedule do they use?

Last, consider the cost of getting your business up and running. Makeup, hair/nails, and outfits don't come cheap. (I've noticed that a lot of findom SWers ask their clients to pledge money to cover these costs.) If you go the online route, look at different payment services and online platforms (Only Fans, etc.) to weigh the pros/cons as far as fees, safety, and advertising.
posted by nightrecordings at 7:53 AM on November 11, 2023