How to shield my mom from my soon-to-be ex-brother-in-law?
October 13, 2023 1:52 PM Subscribe
My sister is looking to divorce her husband, who has spiraled out over the past few years. He was a promising bio-tech guy, but now he has major substance abuse issues and has been arrested for domestic abuse. My brother-in-law is, well, dangerous and smart. While I’m concerned for my sister, and will help her however I can, my first priority is protecting my elderly mother from my brother-in-law. What safeguards can I put in place for her physical safety? (He lives blocks away from her retirement community.) What actions do I need to take to cut him off from her finances? (Sadly, he has access to virtually all of her accounts—online, financial, and otherwise. She’s on a family phone plan with him, and he’s had access to all of her devices. Sigh.)
Ideally, I’d like to get my mother’s person, identity and finances protected from this creep before he catches wind of the upcoming divorces.
After you get power of attorney (this is something you need to establish anyway as part of elder care, before cognitive decline makes it impossible), you are going to need to change all passwords as quickly as possible.
For accounts, you will need to work through and change all the passwords. Start with her email, since that is the keys to the castle. Make sure to sign out all connected devices for things like gmail accounts.
posted by rockindata at 2:35 PM on October 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
For accounts, you will need to work through and change all the passwords. Start with her email, since that is the keys to the castle. Make sure to sign out all connected devices for things like gmail accounts.
posted by rockindata at 2:35 PM on October 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
Also, clearly she needs a new phone and a new phone plan (probably off yours if the cost isn’t an issue).
posted by rockindata at 2:37 PM on October 13, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by rockindata at 2:37 PM on October 13, 2023 [5 favorites]
In addition to the new phone, once that's procured, make sure 2FA is turned on and set to the new number.
posted by Pretty Good Talker at 2:40 PM on October 13, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by Pretty Good Talker at 2:40 PM on October 13, 2023 [6 favorites]
First step is to have a conversation with your mother about all of this. Does she agree with you on the need to be careful about this person? Is she mentally competent enough that you can trust that she won't cooperate with this man?
Second, does your mother trust you with her passwords etc? Assuming yes, next step is to set her up with a password manager (no easy to guess, reused passwords) and then change all of her passwords especially for her email so he can't use a reset password request to get control back. Redo all recovery questions to have less obvious answers - just record the answers in the password manager so your mother doesn't have to remember them.
I am assuming that a key tracker is unlikely at this stage (I would worry about it for your sister's technology but I am assuming your mother is not as likely a target) but you know better whether you need to be that worried.
Third make sure she has a credit freeze in place with all of the credit bureaus. If she does, make sure you change the password and/or security questions.
In terms of power of attorney there are two ways to go about it. If you are lucky and have a good relationship with your mother, she may be willing to trust you to have shared control of her finances etc. However, just because you have power of attorney doesn't mean that she has lost the power to act on her behalf unless you have actually had a judge rule her as incompetent. Doing it like this, with her full consent and cooperation is the easiest, both legally and emotionally. My mother-in-law did this and it was really nice because it allowed us to gradually take over more and more of her financial affairs as she was ready to let go of them without ever having to decide if she was still mentally competent. The other option is to have her ruled incompetent and have a judge assign someone the power of attorney. This is a big deal (and hard and painful if the person objects) since it overrides their personal autonomy. I would go down that route unless it seemed truly necessary.
posted by metahawk at 2:43 PM on October 13, 2023 [19 favorites]
Second, does your mother trust you with her passwords etc? Assuming yes, next step is to set her up with a password manager (no easy to guess, reused passwords) and then change all of her passwords especially for her email so he can't use a reset password request to get control back. Redo all recovery questions to have less obvious answers - just record the answers in the password manager so your mother doesn't have to remember them.
I am assuming that a key tracker is unlikely at this stage (I would worry about it for your sister's technology but I am assuming your mother is not as likely a target) but you know better whether you need to be that worried.
Third make sure she has a credit freeze in place with all of the credit bureaus. If she does, make sure you change the password and/or security questions.
In terms of power of attorney there are two ways to go about it. If you are lucky and have a good relationship with your mother, she may be willing to trust you to have shared control of her finances etc. However, just because you have power of attorney doesn't mean that she has lost the power to act on her behalf unless you have actually had a judge rule her as incompetent. Doing it like this, with her full consent and cooperation is the easiest, both legally and emotionally. My mother-in-law did this and it was really nice because it allowed us to gradually take over more and more of her financial affairs as she was ready to let go of them without ever having to decide if she was still mentally competent. The other option is to have her ruled incompetent and have a judge assign someone the power of attorney. This is a big deal (and hard and painful if the person objects) since it overrides their personal autonomy. I would go down that route unless it seemed truly necessary.
posted by metahawk at 2:43 PM on October 13, 2023 [19 favorites]
My understanding is that being on the same phone plan means that they can see all of the phone numbers being called or texted and the number of minutes/texts sent but not access to any of the content. (Although they may be able to get access to voice mail messages depending on how that is set up.) Unless you think he has hacked the phone itself, I think that this is a lower priority than getting new passwords on everything.
posted by metahawk at 2:47 PM on October 13, 2023
posted by metahawk at 2:47 PM on October 13, 2023
Can we not assume that the mother is mentally incompetent or close to it? "Retirement community" is not "nursing home."
posted by FencingGal at 2:54 PM on October 13, 2023 [22 favorites]
posted by FencingGal at 2:54 PM on October 13, 2023 [22 favorites]
Physical safety:
first, make sure your mother understands and agrees that she should keep her distance from him and not invite him into the house. You can't protect her from herself.
second, make sure your mother has a quick easy way to call 911 - either knowing how to do it on her phone or using Alexa-type technology or wearing a senior alarm if that is otherwise appropriate. Phone for seniors like jitterbug have the option of placing an emergency call their operators who can then assess the situation and call either 911 or you or both.
third, once the divorce is set into play, let her neighbors and staff know that there are safety concerns and what they should do if they see him loitering (call the police?)
fourth, if your mother is competent and able to use pepper spray effectively, arrange for her to get trained in how to use it and have it easily available (but only if you think she will be able to make good use of it, otherwise you are just inviting more trouble then you solve if she gets it on herself, fails to spray effectively or he has the chance to use it against her)
fifth, if he does show up and make threats or refuse to leave, you may have grounds for filing a restraining order which will give the police more options if he does anything that violates the order.
posted by metahawk at 2:55 PM on October 13, 2023
first, make sure your mother understands and agrees that she should keep her distance from him and not invite him into the house. You can't protect her from herself.
second, make sure your mother has a quick easy way to call 911 - either knowing how to do it on her phone or using Alexa-type technology or wearing a senior alarm if that is otherwise appropriate. Phone for seniors like jitterbug have the option of placing an emergency call their operators who can then assess the situation and call either 911 or you or both.
third, once the divorce is set into play, let her neighbors and staff know that there are safety concerns and what they should do if they see him loitering (call the police?)
fourth, if your mother is competent and able to use pepper spray effectively, arrange for her to get trained in how to use it and have it easily available (but only if you think she will be able to make good use of it, otherwise you are just inviting more trouble then you solve if she gets it on herself, fails to spray effectively or he has the chance to use it against her)
fifth, if he does show up and make threats or refuse to leave, you may have grounds for filing a restraining order which will give the police more options if he does anything that violates the order.
posted by metahawk at 2:55 PM on October 13, 2023
I think you need to ask the mods to add a note saying where you are. For example, in addition to a power of attorney, you should google "trusted contact person" [your place] and see if that exists there. Also there are jurisdictions with universal mandatory reporting of elder abuse (including financial abuse) so if you suspect something is happening, those places would have an agency who steps in to intervene.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 3:44 PM on October 13, 2023
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 3:44 PM on October 13, 2023
Have you already gone through yet existing accounts and made sure he's not inserted himself anywhere?
A credit freeze might be in place, to prevent him from using her identity to open new accounts.
Will she be able to (a) understand the need for distance from him, and (b) keep it a secret for now?
posted by trig at 3:49 PM on October 13, 2023
A credit freeze might be in place, to prevent him from using her identity to open new accounts.
Will she be able to (a) understand the need for distance from him, and (b) keep it a secret for now?
posted by trig at 3:49 PM on October 13, 2023
New phone. New phone plan. Ditto for any devices. THEN cancel the old one. Maybe after doing the stuff in the next paragraph.
Talk to a lawyer to get BIL off all her accounts. Power of Atty. is never a bad idea, dependent on the competence/cooperation issues mentioned above. CALL all online accounts that BIL is getting notifications on and ask them to remove him. POA will help with these. Don't just go through the online channels, he will get an email. Make it sure that any new accounts do not allow BIL any kind of information or access when they are set up.
Notice to the Retirement home that BIL is not welcome. Think about a protection order if you have to, (mention when talking to the atty.).
Good luck!
posted by Windopaene at 7:47 PM on October 13, 2023
Talk to a lawyer to get BIL off all her accounts. Power of Atty. is never a bad idea, dependent on the competence/cooperation issues mentioned above. CALL all online accounts that BIL is getting notifications on and ask them to remove him. POA will help with these. Don't just go through the online channels, he will get an email. Make it sure that any new accounts do not allow BIL any kind of information or access when they are set up.
Notice to the Retirement home that BIL is not welcome. Think about a protection order if you have to, (mention when talking to the atty.).
Good luck!
posted by Windopaene at 7:47 PM on October 13, 2023
If you have the money, I would suggest hiring your own lawyer (not whoever is helping your sister with the divorce, but maybe an associate of their’s) to help guide you through this. They will better know the laws and policies in your area, and many lawyers these days are quite aware of stuff like digital financial security and transitions in estate management for seniors and their families.
A phone is easy enough; your mom can just double up for a while. Get very different cases for each phone so she doesn’t mix them up as easily. Start off barebones and help her add apps and accounts as she uses them so you can show her how to set up 2FA with her new number a few times.
posted by Mizu at 9:06 PM on October 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
A phone is easy enough; your mom can just double up for a while. Get very different cases for each phone so she doesn’t mix them up as easily. Start off barebones and help her add apps and accounts as she uses them so you can show her how to set up 2FA with her new number a few times.
posted by Mizu at 9:06 PM on October 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
all of her accounts—online, financial, and otherwise.
family phone plan
Make lists of every account including the web address, account number, balance, password, security questions and any 2ndary email for authentication. Lots of accounts ask for a secure 2nd account. Be really thorough. You may want to request new credit card numbers. Google and other resources should let you see all locations where you're logged in and log out.
Make some new passwords that are at least 16 characters long. I use words with numbers and non-alpha characters in the middle, like metafi614PP++lter, which is something I can type if needed. If you set up a password manager, make sure the security questions/ answers are really obscure, and set up a very secure 2nd account if requested.
Windows computer? Back up her data, consider wipe and reinstall. At the very least, set up a new profile in windows and delete old ones. Change her router password if she has one. Most browsers now hold passwords, record any you need on paper, wipe out all saved passwords in all browsers. Set a login password for Windows and change the administrator password. Delete all unused accounts, and use secure passwords. All this is why backup, wipe, & restore data is useful.
Find a time when he's likely to be occupied, like when he's out with friends, and change all her account passwords and security stuff at once, being methodical and documenting passwords. Have her sit with you because they need the account holder to be the one making decisions. Power of Attorney does that, too, but is time-consuming.
She's probably not going to be able to keep her phone number, which is annoying, but unless your sister knows the account password to release it, he has control of it. You might be able to get it from him by moving to a cheap plan, like Visible, Mint, etc., since she has wifi at the retirement community and doesn't need much cellular data. She sounds competent, right? so enable and review Hey Siri/ Hey Google, which are pretty great for Call 911. If she has an alexa device, same.
Visit the retirement community's administrator and review physical security and any security protocols.
Keep notes, because you'll want to review a lot of this with your sister who should take the same steps. I recently got air tags, and they are great at locating stuff, but if a malicious person uses air tags or tiles, can be dangerous. Apple and Tile have some resources for this. With both, you can check for air tags of tiles near you. I think your sister will need to know this. There are other trackers, they may be difficult to find. If you find a stray ai tag or tile, put it in a big strong friend's car.
posted by theora55 at 8:46 AM on October 14, 2023
family phone plan
Make lists of every account including the web address, account number, balance, password, security questions and any 2ndary email for authentication. Lots of accounts ask for a secure 2nd account. Be really thorough. You may want to request new credit card numbers. Google and other resources should let you see all locations where you're logged in and log out.
Make some new passwords that are at least 16 characters long. I use words with numbers and non-alpha characters in the middle, like metafi614PP++lter, which is something I can type if needed. If you set up a password manager, make sure the security questions/ answers are really obscure, and set up a very secure 2nd account if requested.
Windows computer? Back up her data, consider wipe and reinstall. At the very least, set up a new profile in windows and delete old ones. Change her router password if she has one. Most browsers now hold passwords, record any you need on paper, wipe out all saved passwords in all browsers. Set a login password for Windows and change the administrator password. Delete all unused accounts, and use secure passwords. All this is why backup, wipe, & restore data is useful.
Find a time when he's likely to be occupied, like when he's out with friends, and change all her account passwords and security stuff at once, being methodical and documenting passwords. Have her sit with you because they need the account holder to be the one making decisions. Power of Attorney does that, too, but is time-consuming.
She's probably not going to be able to keep her phone number, which is annoying, but unless your sister knows the account password to release it, he has control of it. You might be able to get it from him by moving to a cheap plan, like Visible, Mint, etc., since she has wifi at the retirement community and doesn't need much cellular data. She sounds competent, right? so enable and review Hey Siri/ Hey Google, which are pretty great for Call 911. If she has an alexa device, same.
Visit the retirement community's administrator and review physical security and any security protocols.
Keep notes, because you'll want to review a lot of this with your sister who should take the same steps. I recently got air tags, and they are great at locating stuff, but if a malicious person uses air tags or tiles, can be dangerous. Apple and Tile have some resources for this. With both, you can check for air tags of tiles near you. I think your sister will need to know this. There are other trackers, they may be difficult to find. If you find a stray ai tag or tile, put it in a big strong friend's car.
posted by theora55 at 8:46 AM on October 14, 2023
Why aren't you talking to your sister about this aspect of the situation (if you aren't)? He's on your Mom's accounts because of their marriage. Is she not worried about it too?
What's your mom's condition in terms of decision making? Does she need you to substitute your judgment for hers? Is she going to be on board with this? She can revoke his visiting privileges right now. Or, if he has the privileges on your sister's say-so, then she can. Then the home's security can keep him out.
Does your sister have a lawyer? He's been arrested for DV, is she going to get a restraining order? This isn't just about safety, it also may have implications for the divorce proceedings, especially if there are kids and so custody/visitation will be at issue. If she is, orders to protect your Mom might be possible to get as a part of that—if a threat can be shown. (Being vague here because jurisdictions vary.)
Otherwise, yes, you getting a POA to make changes to the accounts would work; but I'd still at least try work with your sister and your sister's lawyer (if one exists) rather than unilaterally inserting yourself into the situation.
posted by snuffleupagus at 8:50 AM on October 14, 2023 [1 favorite]
What's your mom's condition in terms of decision making? Does she need you to substitute your judgment for hers? Is she going to be on board with this? She can revoke his visiting privileges right now. Or, if he has the privileges on your sister's say-so, then she can. Then the home's security can keep him out.
Does your sister have a lawyer? He's been arrested for DV, is she going to get a restraining order? This isn't just about safety, it also may have implications for the divorce proceedings, especially if there are kids and so custody/visitation will be at issue. If she is, orders to protect your Mom might be possible to get as a part of that—if a threat can be shown. (Being vague here because jurisdictions vary.)
Otherwise, yes, you getting a POA to make changes to the accounts would work; but I'd still at least try work with your sister and your sister's lawyer (if one exists) rather than unilaterally inserting yourself into the situation.
posted by snuffleupagus at 8:50 AM on October 14, 2023 [1 favorite]
And if she has Apple devices than it's her Apple account you need to lock down. New device on its own plan, move her Apple account to the new phone, remove the account from her old phone, port out the line if she's attached to the number (worried about losing touch with people who only have her number, etc; you can port it after getting the new phone with a new number as a second line, then get rid of the newer number—downside being BIL knows it).
posted by snuffleupagus at 9:00 AM on October 14, 2023
posted by snuffleupagus at 9:00 AM on October 14, 2023
For both your mom and sister, if they have Apple devices, I strongly recommend using the iOS Safety Check feature. It provides a systematic review of device and account access, with guidance on how to remove users. They must be on iOS 17 to use it. Here is the support page on the feature, which also has lots of other useful safety tips outside of the Safety Check feature.
posted by bluloo at 10:48 AM on October 14, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by bluloo at 10:48 AM on October 14, 2023 [5 favorites]
"before he catches wind of the upcoming divorces" - changing passwords etc will tip him off.
You may be able to say there was an identity theft, maybe via some things ordered online. That may give a few days.
Get some security cameras, both outside and inside.
posted by Sophont at 2:52 PM on October 17, 2023
You may be able to say there was an identity theft, maybe via some things ordered online. That may give a few days.
Get some security cameras, both outside and inside.
posted by Sophont at 2:52 PM on October 17, 2023
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Once you have the legal authority to do so, you should be able to give instructions to retirement community, like "do not admit this individual", and to banks like "this person is NOT allowed to touch this person's account". With that authority, you can also start a new phone plan for her.
posted by kschang at 2:09 PM on October 13, 2023 [6 favorites]