How to kindly say: I’m leaving, now fend for yourselves?
October 12, 2023 11:32 PM Subscribe
I’m moving to the other side of the world in exactly 100 days (which, given the Christmas break, realistically means another 2 months in my current role) and I have been very discreet about this in both personal and professional settings, for various reasons. Among the loooong list of pressing, neglected tasks now keeping me awake at night, I am increasingly aware of the need to communicate my departure to my 3 direct reports.
The challenge is that (unknown to them, I think) my job probably won’t be replaced, it might even be removed altogether; the whole division has had a budget cut and is probably restructuring; I can’t get any certainty on who they would report to in my place, and also – I’m trying to negotiate the continuation of some remote work, which almost certainly won’t be my current role managing the team, but may well be working closely with them in other capacities. So I don’t even know if I’m really leaving the wider team, just my current role.
They are all quite new, all with good attitudes but various personal and performance challenges, and I feel like it’s my responsibility to provide some sort of stability or reassurance about what comes next. I like to think I have a good relationship with the team and am keen to share my news, not to mention the practical necessity of beginning to hand over projects and relationships. It's almost certain there will be less flexibility and support for them going forward, at least temporarily, as very few managers across the division have the capacity to manage and train more staff. Furthermore, not having told them has prevented me from sharing with peers and others, as I don’t want them to find out from elsewhere. My own manager is not that helpful, he readily admits he uncertain himself about how the restructure will play out, and seems lukewarm at best on my remote work pitch (although I do have more positive feedback from Big Boss, albeit no actual commitment).
How soon should I tell my direct reports that I’m (sort of, probably) leaving, and how honest should I be? What language is both kind and appropriate – do I tell them in their individual one-on-ones, or altogether? Do I need to lean more heavily on my own boss to shape this messaging, and do he and Big Boss have a say, given the potential optics of restructuring and whatever?
Help please! Am I overcomplicating this!?
The challenge is that (unknown to them, I think) my job probably won’t be replaced, it might even be removed altogether; the whole division has had a budget cut and is probably restructuring; I can’t get any certainty on who they would report to in my place, and also – I’m trying to negotiate the continuation of some remote work, which almost certainly won’t be my current role managing the team, but may well be working closely with them in other capacities. So I don’t even know if I’m really leaving the wider team, just my current role.
They are all quite new, all with good attitudes but various personal and performance challenges, and I feel like it’s my responsibility to provide some sort of stability or reassurance about what comes next. I like to think I have a good relationship with the team and am keen to share my news, not to mention the practical necessity of beginning to hand over projects and relationships. It's almost certain there will be less flexibility and support for them going forward, at least temporarily, as very few managers across the division have the capacity to manage and train more staff. Furthermore, not having told them has prevented me from sharing with peers and others, as I don’t want them to find out from elsewhere. My own manager is not that helpful, he readily admits he uncertain himself about how the restructure will play out, and seems lukewarm at best on my remote work pitch (although I do have more positive feedback from Big Boss, albeit no actual commitment).
How soon should I tell my direct reports that I’m (sort of, probably) leaving, and how honest should I be? What language is both kind and appropriate – do I tell them in their individual one-on-ones, or altogether? Do I need to lean more heavily on my own boss to shape this messaging, and do he and Big Boss have a say, given the potential optics of restructuring and whatever?
Help please! Am I overcomplicating this!?
Best answer: It is absolutely not your responsibility to “provide some sort of stability or reassurance about what comes next”. That is the job of your successor. Your job is to do a professional hand off.
Four weeks is the maximum amount of time to warn in advance. Tell them all individually on the same day using phone calls for this sole purpose. Let people process on their own. The news is simple - I am moving, X is my last day as your manager, more news will follow from Big Boss on the future org structure and management chain. Use this time to discuss your individual personal and professional relationships, not the fate of an organization.
They will be fine without you. Go live your life!
posted by shock muppet at 11:53 PM on October 12, 2023 [18 favorites]
Four weeks is the maximum amount of time to warn in advance. Tell them all individually on the same day using phone calls for this sole purpose. Let people process on their own. The news is simple - I am moving, X is my last day as your manager, more news will follow from Big Boss on the future org structure and management chain. Use this time to discuss your individual personal and professional relationships, not the fate of an organization.
They will be fine without you. Go live your life!
posted by shock muppet at 11:53 PM on October 12, 2023 [18 favorites]
Do not tell your team until it is decided for sure whether you will be leaving altogether, or staying in a remote capacity. It's your job to resolve that uncertainty about your own next steps with your manager.
Then, shock muppet's advice is great.
posted by mekily at 11:58 PM on October 12, 2023 [13 favorites]
Then, shock muppet's advice is great.
posted by mekily at 11:58 PM on October 12, 2023 [13 favorites]
Tempering the four weeks advice slightly, I have a 3 month notice period and would tell people with at least 2 months to go. But I agree that sticking to factual and things that are in your control is the way to go.
Otherwise have a conversation with your own boss first as they are de facto the person that will need to provide continuity for your team.
posted by plonkee at 12:29 AM on October 13, 2023 [4 favorites]
Otherwise have a conversation with your own boss first as they are de facto the person that will need to provide continuity for your team.
posted by plonkee at 12:29 AM on October 13, 2023 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Am I overcomplicating this!?
Politely, yes. They are your staff, not your children.
It's great that you care about them, and as such tell them once you know for sure what the change is going to be, either you completely going or staying on remotely. Get them to work on issues as if you weren't there so if they come against something insurmountable you're still available to tell them things only you know. That will give them confidence they can thrive without you.
Other than that, focus on your future not theirs. People move jobs all the time, if they can't handle that (and you might be surprised at how well they do handle it) then that's on them to work on.
nthing shock muppet's advice about how to tell them.
posted by underclocked at 1:08 AM on October 13, 2023 [9 favorites]
Politely, yes. They are your staff, not your children.
It's great that you care about them, and as such tell them once you know for sure what the change is going to be, either you completely going or staying on remotely. Get them to work on issues as if you weren't there so if they come against something insurmountable you're still available to tell them things only you know. That will give them confidence they can thrive without you.
Other than that, focus on your future not theirs. People move jobs all the time, if they can't handle that (and you might be surprised at how well they do handle it) then that's on them to work on.
nthing shock muppet's advice about how to tell them.
posted by underclocked at 1:08 AM on October 13, 2023 [9 favorites]
Best answer: Also, I imagine this is seeming like a bigger thing than it needs to be because you're moving to the other side of the world. That's huge! For you. For your staff it's almost irrelevant*. Functionally, you might as well just be leaving for a new job with a company across the road.
So, try not to make too much of this about the hugeness of you leaving to go to the other side of the world - that's your issue (and excitement) and doesn't affect their work lives. Handle it as if you were leaving for any other more mundane reason.
* Of course, if you end up working with them remotely, the time difference will be a factor, but this is a small point.
posted by fabius at 5:03 AM on October 13, 2023
So, try not to make too much of this about the hugeness of you leaving to go to the other side of the world - that's your issue (and excitement) and doesn't affect their work lives. Handle it as if you were leaving for any other more mundane reason.
* Of course, if you end up working with them remotely, the time difference will be a factor, but this is a small point.
posted by fabius at 5:03 AM on October 13, 2023
This advice is all great, but I would add one more thing. In your description of the situation, I see lots of "mights" and "mays" and "probablys". You don't actually know what will happen in the future. It is not in your control so you should not spend time trying to prepare them for every eventuality. Because it might not turn out the way you think it will. Otherwise, lean into shock muppet's advice and prepare them to stand on their own whatever restructuring might happen.
Oh wait, I have one more thing. I once left a job and had lots of advance notice and I wrote a reference manual before I left. In it went all the things that people would routinely stick their head in my office to ask me about. The stuff that is just "how we do things" that isn't written down. Someone told me that five years later they were still using that reference manual. Getting it in writing got it out of my head and helped me sleep better at night.
posted by eleslie at 7:12 AM on October 13, 2023 [3 favorites]
Oh wait, I have one more thing. I once left a job and had lots of advance notice and I wrote a reference manual before I left. In it went all the things that people would routinely stick their head in my office to ask me about. The stuff that is just "how we do things" that isn't written down. Someone told me that five years later they were still using that reference manual. Getting it in writing got it out of my head and helped me sleep better at night.
posted by eleslie at 7:12 AM on October 13, 2023 [3 favorites]
I recently changed roles, and I was immensely excited for the change and immensely nauseated about telling my staff, whom I adored. For one of the teams, it meant that the team was being dissolved entirely. I had decided for various reasons that I wanted to have concrete plans in place for where they were all going (no one was laid off, they were transferred internally) before I said anything.
I told everyone in a meeting. I didn't want them telling each other, and I didn't want to ask them to keep secrets from each other. There were some strong reactions so it ended up being a very short meeting with my following up individually with everyone in the next day or two.
Looking back and reflecting on their feedback about the transition, I wish I had looped them in earlier so that they could have had more influence on some of the outcomes. I'm not sure it actually would have changed the ultimate outcomes, but it would have been more respectful to them as working adults with good, thoughtful idea about processes and teams.
Are there ways your reports might be able to talk with you, your boss, and Big Boss prior to your leaving about what they would like to see happen? Even if their desires can't be honored in their entirety, if you think that they'd at least be listened to respectfully, then I think it'd be worth facilitating that conversation when things are still up in the air enough that they could have influence on the decisions being made.
posted by lapis at 9:50 AM on October 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
I told everyone in a meeting. I didn't want them telling each other, and I didn't want to ask them to keep secrets from each other. There were some strong reactions so it ended up being a very short meeting with my following up individually with everyone in the next day or two.
Looking back and reflecting on their feedback about the transition, I wish I had looped them in earlier so that they could have had more influence on some of the outcomes. I'm not sure it actually would have changed the ultimate outcomes, but it would have been more respectful to them as working adults with good, thoughtful idea about processes and teams.
Are there ways your reports might be able to talk with you, your boss, and Big Boss prior to your leaving about what they would like to see happen? Even if their desires can't be honored in their entirety, if you think that they'd at least be listened to respectfully, then I think it'd be worth facilitating that conversation when things are still up in the air enough that they could have influence on the decisions being made.
posted by lapis at 9:50 AM on October 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
It’s great that you care about them, and want to do whats best for them. The limits of your organization are going to prevent you from doing as much as you’d like, so the next best thing you can do about that is be as upfront about things as possible.
Having the benefit of seeing both sides of the coin and the realities that exist, think about how would you want the situation to play out, if you were in their shoes?
As said upthread, eliminate as much ambiguity that you control, and be upfront when asked questions about stuff you cant.
However what you dont want to do is project your worries for them onto them if there’s nothing that can be done. The stuff you're worrying about might not be what they are, so take care not to accidentally add more worries for them. They might come up with them on their own, and in that case its fine to be like “unfortunately I’ve told you all I can / what I know” (depending on the situation) “and X will be handling that going forward”
And I will +10000 the above recommendation to document document document!! What questions has your staff asked you in the past? Try and make sure they know how to find those and similar answers in the future. And for your manager or whoever will end up managing these folks, do your best to have a good handoff with strengths, opportunities, goals, etc.
posted by cgg at 2:37 PM on October 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
Having the benefit of seeing both sides of the coin and the realities that exist, think about how would you want the situation to play out, if you were in their shoes?
As said upthread, eliminate as much ambiguity that you control, and be upfront when asked questions about stuff you cant.
However what you dont want to do is project your worries for them onto them if there’s nothing that can be done. The stuff you're worrying about might not be what they are, so take care not to accidentally add more worries for them. They might come up with them on their own, and in that case its fine to be like “unfortunately I’ve told you all I can / what I know” (depending on the situation) “and X will be handling that going forward”
And I will +10000 the above recommendation to document document document!! What questions has your staff asked you in the past? Try and make sure they know how to find those and similar answers in the future. And for your manager or whoever will end up managing these folks, do your best to have a good handoff with strengths, opportunities, goals, etc.
posted by cgg at 2:37 PM on October 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
If your division has had a recent budget cut, your team probably won't be surprised if a restructuring were to happen. You being in your current role, in a different role in a different part of the company, or halfway around the world may or may not change the fact that the division will get restructured.
It sounds like your move will happen, full stop, and the question is if you'll be in your role remotely or no longer at the company. I think it is OK to share with your direct reports your plans to move. "For ABC reason, I am moving to XX at the end of the year. I am working out what this means for my current role as your manager with others, but for the time being, I want to begin some knowledge transfer [or whatever it is] as it will be harder if I am remote etc. etc."
As a manager, the most productive things you can do for your team are: 1) make sure you create documentation for whomever is responsible for their next performance review, 2) really talk up each individual and the importance of the team to others in the org so that they will hopefully be well received by others when you're no longer there, and 3) do whatever it is that'll leave your team set up for success when you're no longer there -- documenting any verbal agreements you've brokered w/ others in the org, cleaning up that budget and sharing it w/ someone, not dropping the ball on 2024 planning, whatever.
It doesn't sound like you'll leave a mess, but really, it's OK. People move, change jobs all the time, departments get re-orged. If they are not folks new to the work force, this may be unpleasant news, but is probably not going to impact them emotionally as you might be imagining. And if it does impact them emotionally, it's probably coming more from a -- "what happens to me" vs. "how dare you leave us!" In which case, you should not say reassuring platitudes when the opposite may be true. Just be as transparent as you can be -- since the budget cuts, there have been discussions about ABC. Big boss has not decided on the org structure of this team.
posted by ellerhodes at 3:05 PM on October 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
It sounds like your move will happen, full stop, and the question is if you'll be in your role remotely or no longer at the company. I think it is OK to share with your direct reports your plans to move. "For ABC reason, I am moving to XX at the end of the year. I am working out what this means for my current role as your manager with others, but for the time being, I want to begin some knowledge transfer [or whatever it is] as it will be harder if I am remote etc. etc."
As a manager, the most productive things you can do for your team are: 1) make sure you create documentation for whomever is responsible for their next performance review, 2) really talk up each individual and the importance of the team to others in the org so that they will hopefully be well received by others when you're no longer there, and 3) do whatever it is that'll leave your team set up for success when you're no longer there -- documenting any verbal agreements you've brokered w/ others in the org, cleaning up that budget and sharing it w/ someone, not dropping the ball on 2024 planning, whatever.
It doesn't sound like you'll leave a mess, but really, it's OK. People move, change jobs all the time, departments get re-orged. If they are not folks new to the work force, this may be unpleasant news, but is probably not going to impact them emotionally as you might be imagining. And if it does impact them emotionally, it's probably coming more from a -- "what happens to me" vs. "how dare you leave us!" In which case, you should not say reassuring platitudes when the opposite may be true. Just be as transparent as you can be -- since the budget cuts, there have been discussions about ABC. Big boss has not decided on the org structure of this team.
posted by ellerhodes at 3:05 PM on October 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
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