First polyam date ideas?

October 8, 2023 5:34 PM

I need some first date ideas. There are a few wrinkles to this, though, which is why I need help from the Green. .

• This is her first date outside her marriage. She is new to polyam and we’ve been taking things slowly. A sex club is not going to work. 🙂

• She had a concussion recently, which has been playing havoc with her head. We were originally going to go to Barnes and Noble and find books for each other, but she canceled and asked if we could find somewhere “not as brightly lit.”

• We are both in our 40’s. Going skydiving is probably not in our wheelhouse. 😉

• Also, we are in Central Indiana near Indianapolis. There’s no beach for hundreds of miles, so please, no suggestions for moonlight walks along the beach.

Thanks in advance!

posted by zooropa to Human Relations (14 answers total)

I cannot speak to the polyam aspect of this but a first date is a first date in many ways, I assume. Is there a reason y'all aren't just going to a bar for a couple of drinks and some apps?
posted by Countess Sandwich at 5:45 PM on October 8, 2023 [4 favorites]

The concussion is most relevant - no bright, fluorescent lighting, and no loud background sounds, otherwise, normal first date.

You could go for a bookstore that does not have bright or fluorescent lighting, but you probably want to sit somewhere comfortable with drink or food to discuss your choices after.

Quiet cafe or restaurant, with mellow lighting. It's a first date, this is the standard.

A picnic.
posted by Elysum at 5:46 PM on October 8, 2023 [8 favorites]

If she's had a concussion, you may want to err on the side of somewhere quieter where she doesn't have to screen out a lot of noise and other distractions. Maybe a walk in a lovely park somewhere?
posted by canine epigram at 5:48 PM on October 8, 2023 [2 favorites]

First dates should be low commitment. Something that will take less than an hour, even shorter if it’s going poorly. Coffee is the gold standard. Walks in public will also do.
posted by shock muppet at 5:55 PM on October 8, 2023 [5 favorites]

A first date, brand new perspective on relationships and post-concussion? Christ on a crutch, that's a lot all at once. I would roll this as slowly and gently as possible. A public library, a coffee shop, a walk somewhere quiet but safe-for-them, just as chilly and no-pressure, no-risk as possible. Kindness, patience and dim lighting seems like the right thing.
posted by mhoye at 6:18 PM on October 8, 2023 [11 favorites]

Could she tolerate a movie, perhaps with sunglasses? A planetarium show is similar, but probably has less intense sound and light depending on what you pick. A planetarium show plus coffee/dessert is a nice time.

Or if you have a walkable place like a downtown-- get ice cream and walk around window shopping and chatting.
posted by blnkfrnk at 6:31 PM on October 8, 2023 [1 favorite]

Yes, her concussion needs to be the main determinant here and that probably means somewhere quiet, dim, and easy to leave quickly. Honestly it might mean "drop off a care package if and only if that's comfortable for her, say hi at the door, and postpone the actual date for a few weeks." But I'll assume she's the one really eager to have the date regardless, so - quiet, dim, somewhere you pay up front and can walk out of quickly at any time. Takeout at a quiet park, where you each bring a book of your own to lend the other? Coffeeshop at a quiet time of day? Maybe the library or an independent bookstore subject to you scoping it out first for light and noise? A museum with chill lighting?
posted by Stacey at 7:13 PM on October 8, 2023 [2 favorites]

Maybe an art museum or quiet gallery?
posted by MadamM at 7:56 PM on October 8, 2023

Tomorrow Bookstore on Mass Ave is small and not brightly lit. There are also milkshakes across the street. I would entirely avoid The Garage Food Hall because it is bright, loud, and usually packed with people.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 8:01 PM on October 8, 2023

Mod note: A couple removed; please stick to the contours of the question. For our purposes here, we will assume the other person can decide if they want to date or not, or if they'd rather fully recover first, etc.
posted by taz (staff) at 3:14 AM on October 9, 2023 [2 favorites]

I implore you to make this a very quick, low pressure date. Like get tea somewhere and then end it fast. If the vibe is good, you can meet another time soon. The concussion is a very big deal, and should be giving you a lot of pause here, and your tone is sounding off-putting to me in that context. Make this QUICK if you even have to do this at all.

I had a concussion 8 months ago and I am still not fully back to normal, and frankly I am still dealing with impulsive, absurd, fully out-of-character decisions I made during this time which will most likely have lifelong consequences. I have to share this because many people do not understand the seriousness of concussions and the ways they can affect decision-making. Tread carefully.

And mods, this is NOT the time to be zealous about staying ‘on topic’. This is a serious ethical issue and people are RIGHT to bring it up repeatedly. People with concussions often have impaired judgement, period.
posted by asimplemouse at 3:45 AM on October 9, 2023 [27 favorites]

Seconding an art museum with a cafe. Walk the galleries (works on paper must be hung in low-light spaces, so is there a drawings show up somewhere?) and sit with a cup of tea. If they have an outdoor sculpture garden so much the better.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 10:42 AM on October 9, 2023

It seems like you're trying to do something special or clever with your first date, right? That's not necessarily bad, but it's also okay to just get coffee and chat. Different versions of this: make and bring hot cocoa to a park, where you've scouted out a nice bench or spot for a blanket in the shade (not direct sun); buy tea and take a walk along a shady path; get a drink (boozy or not) at a comfortable, not too noisy bar.

Unless you are folks who already know each other or have been messaging a lot, I don't really get the Barnes & Noble thing. I would not want to pick out a book for someone I've just met. On a first date, I want to spend time talking to the other person, not wandering around a store without them.

I had a truly fantastic (ENM) first date last week, where we met at a place in the neighborhood and we chatted for a few hours. An ENM friend of mine talks about the first date as being the time to make sure your pheromones smell okay to each other. If she's new to polyam, she might feel nervous or unsure about it all, but I don't think a first date requires an activity. But an activity can also be a walk in the park.

I think if you want to level up and show your thoughtfulness, the way to do that is by scouting out someplace in advance.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:19 PM on October 9, 2023 [1 favorite]

When I had a concussion, going to a movie would have been awful. I think I would have enjoyed something quick, like going to a coffee shop and eating a nice piece of cake, then being dropped off at home where I could resume being a potted plant.
posted by The corpse in the library at 4:48 PM on October 9, 2023 [4 favorites]