Morning etiquette, for hosts and for guests?

August 28, 2023 7:29 PM

When you're hosting people in your home, do you endeavor to wake up before your guests, sleep however long you like, show them the morning beverage options the night before, feel any type of way about your obligation to do any of the above, etc?

How about when you're a guest in a home? Do you prefer to wake up after the hosts? Before them and make coffee as a gift for everyone? What are you feeling when you hear sounds in the house as the day dawns?

As a host, I always show my guests all the necessary morning stuff before we go to bed and encourage them to do whatever works for them in terms of wake-up time. However, if I hear people stirring before me, I tend to go ahead and get up (or lay there feeling guilty 'til I smell coffee and then miraculously appear). It's rare that I sleep in long after a guest. As I guest, I feel like I need to creep around in the morning -- I don't want to wake my hosts, even if they said it was fine. If I can serve myself quietly (curse you, coffee grinder!), I will, but otherwise, I may just quietly linger in bed until my hosts are up and at 'em.

I'm just wondering what other people's norms and strategies are for feeling comfortable in either position.

posted by luzdeluna to Human Relations (19 answers total)

If I'm a guest, I'll get up shortly after I hear people stirring. I often wake up early in a strange place, and if that happens I'll usually either get up quietly, or more likely read in bed til I hear my hosts up.

I wouldn't get up and start making coffee in someone else's home before they're up, because you just never know how noisy those machines might turn out to be, and the smell alone is powerful and can wake others. If the host were someone I was close with, with I'd be ok making a quiet cup of tea. And when they do get up I would probably do a bit of song and dance about how I chanced to wake up early and was enjoying my book, so they don't feel that my being up earlier than them was a rebuke of their later wakeup.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:59 PM on August 28, 2023 [2 favorites]

I routinely stay with a close friend and his family. They don't have an extra room, so I sleep on the sofa. I strongly prefer to be awake, dressed, and have the sheets/blankets folded and stacked neatly (so they have a normal living room during the day) before anyone else is stirring. But I don't like to sit by myself and wait a long time for them to get up, either. We like to have coffee/breakfast together.

So, I just ask what time they want to get started, and I start a bit before that. Sometimes I'll go quietly into the bathroom to get showered before they need it. They generally appear shortly after they hear me up. Especially if someone needs the bathroom to get ready for work on a schedule, a guest must be done by that time.

I guess when people stay with me, or I stay with others, it's because I feel close to them, so I can just talk about this. People have different plans on different days too, depending on what the trip is about, or work schedules, or whatever.

Anybody can make coffee at any time. It's always kind to make it for someone, and lovely to receive a cup that someone has made for you. Don't worry too much.
posted by fritley at 8:02 PM on August 28, 2023

All my close friends and family know I am not a morning person, so I am never the first one up. I try to make up for it by staying up late to do all the dishes/clean-up from dinner the night before and I usually bring a small gift (typically food/wine/coffee based on things I know they like) as a thank you for hosting.
If I’m hosting, I’ll show guests where things are and tell them to make themselves at home, which my close friends know to do and don’t seem to feel weird about it (although one friend I think does try to keep quiet in the mornings - she is very conscientious and has a different set of standards for hosting/visiting than I do). When I’m visiting, I appreciate hosts who are up and who offer food/coffee, but I certainly don’t expect it. I only really ever stay with people I know well & feel comfortable with. If staying with people I didn’t know as well I would make an effort to get up earlier than usual and greet them/offer to help make breakfast or coffee.
posted by sleepingwithcats at 8:06 PM on August 28, 2023

I don't host people, but unless the hosts have told me "eh, don't worry about when you get up" or anything like that, I feel obligated to get up around the same time you hear them up in the house. I would rather sleep in, but I usually feel like it's on me to adjust to their rhythms. I don't come out until all bathroom duty is done and I'm dressed, though.

I hate coffee, so that's not a factor.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:51 PM on August 28, 2023

I like to show people where everything is so they can be as comfortable as possible. But when I stay over...I'm not too hungry in the mornings and I don't drink coffee, so usually I don't have a problem with just reading in bed until everyone gets up if I wake up before they do. If I wake up after, I'm on vacation, and we don't have specific plans...they knew I was a night owl when they invited me over!
posted by praemunire at 9:32 PM on August 28, 2023

I will show them everything the night before and encourage them to help themselves (and I am a heavy sleeper, so I don't mind how much noise they make), but I usually make an effort to get up straight away if I'm hosting (rather than lie in bed playing on my phone or something) so the guests know it's ok to get up if they are awake.
posted by ryanbryan at 9:54 PM on August 28, 2023

I think it does depend on the size and configuration of the place where you are staying: is the guest taking up the living room or do they have their own bedroom and/or bathroom? Are there children involved? etc. As a host, I consider it a good thing if guests has been able to "make themselves at home" - which will mean getting up earlier than us sometimes - and sometimes sleeping in: whatever their preference and normal pattern is. If they sleep very well and are the last ones up - then that is a good thing, if they are people who follow their normal pattern of getting up at dawn and making coffee for themselves - then that is a good thing too. We do try to remember to show people where to make coffee and maybe agree on a rough time for breakfast, the night before.
posted by rongorongo at 10:43 PM on August 28, 2023 [9 favorites]

As guest, I don’t need people to change their routines for me. If someone indicates I am to help myself I am happy to do that. As host, I try to be up at a reasonable time but if my guests are routinely up at 5am they are on their own….My approach is that we have some shared meals and beyond that people are welcome to help themselves to any food or drink they can find. I don’t have capacity or inclination to turn into a hotel.
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:50 PM on August 28, 2023 [2 favorites]

There is one friend I stay with often where I do get up and make coffee before they are up - and this is generally welcome because friend likes to wake up and find coffee waiting.

Otherwise, I pad around very quietly if I need to leave the bedroom at all. It is not my business to wake my hosts or make them aware of my presence until they are ready for it.

As a host, I am generally up before guests because something in my brain lets me know they're in my house. Then I also pad around quietly because they should sleep if they want to.

A good question to ask as a guest or a host is: "what time do you like to get up?"
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 1:59 AM on August 29, 2023

I show guests where things are the night before and e courage them to take whatever they want from the fridge, make coffee, etc. But I don’t alter my own morning routines for them or want them to get up earlier than they would normally on my account. I don’t host often and when I do it’s either family or people who are so close as to be chosen family, so there’s not as much concern about guest/host etiquette.

I do warn them that if they get up before me the cats may harass them for breakfast, and show them to the cat treats if they want to keep the little beasts off their backs.
posted by Stacey at 4:04 AM on August 29, 2023 [2 favorites]

I have a young child, so I warn guests that she is going to be up and tearing ass around the house by 6 am.

There's a pitcher of cold brew in the fridge, I'll pull out the coffeemaker the night before if you prefer hot coffee, there are toothpicks for prying your eyelids open on the kitchen windowsill, whoever is up first can grab the newspaper, I've put earplugs in the guest room if you want to try and sleep a bit later. Godspeed.

If I'm a guest and traveling with my kid, I'm usually visiting other people with kids and we are all up at the butt crack of dawn.

Otherwise, I am going to lie quietly in bed for as long as humanly possible, until everyone is up and it's unmannerly for me to hide any longer.
posted by champers at 6:01 AM on August 29, 2023

We currently have an unexpected house-guest, a relative of my partner's friend who neither of us has ever met. They were stranded overnight after a cancelled flight.

So from my current experience of putting up a stranger on short notice, I would say: when asked nicely, be specific about what time you are going to leave. If people are working from home, don't assume you can hang out on their couch all day.
posted by guessthis at 6:16 AM on August 29, 2023 [2 favorites]

I wake up early. So if I am hosting, I get up at my usual time but try to be as quiet as possible since most people sleep later. If I am the guest, I'll read in bed until it reaches a more normal time to get up, then I'll get up but stay extra quiet until other people are actually up.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:17 AM on August 29, 2023

When I host, I encourage people to make themselves at home and let them know where breakfast foods, coffee, and tea can be found in the house. I also give them directions to a few nearby coffee shops including the one that opens at 6 am, bakeries, and bagel shops and make sure they have a key to my apartment in case they're inclined to venture out for a morning walk and breakfast. I live in a very walkable neighborhood and usually visitors to NY want a bagel at some point so it's not uncommon for folks to take one of the suggestions one of they days that they visit.

I haven't hosted anyone with kids, but after reading this I think I would also leave them with directions to the closest playground in case they want to burn off some energy in the morning.

One of my family members who is a regular visitor always wakes up 2-3 hours before me and usually has had an early breakfast out or at least coffee by the time I wake up. Works for me, the last thing I want to do is have to wake up at 5:30 every day he's visiting.
posted by A Blue Moon at 6:38 AM on August 29, 2023 [2 favorites]

I always end up staying with people who have young children, so I’m never the first one up!

I also host a lot of solo travelers who are part of our big Buddhist community, and most of them tend to be early risers, or jet lagged in that direction.

So when hosting, I try to be very specific about where all the morning supplies are and how much we’d like guests to use them! But often we’ll arrange a breakfast plan ahead of time.

When I’m a guest and there are no morning plans, I assume everyone knows I’m on vacation and I get up when I feel like it (which is usually 8 or 9 AM). I would always give priority to the hosts for bath/shower use and just ask when I need it.

I’m a pretty socially anxious person but surprisingly haven’t had much trouble with this over many years of guesting & hosting. EXCEPT at my sister’s house where there’s no door on the basement guest room and my nephews watch YouTube on full blast at 6 AM. I can’t even be mad, they’re so dang cute. I just get up and sleepily dance with them.
posted by Isingthebodyelectric at 6:44 AM on August 29, 2023 [1 favorite]

I usually ask if they want to sleep in. If we have plans to do something together the next day, we talk about when we’ll want to get around, have breakfast, etc.

If they’re sleeping in (this is what usually happens) and I wake up first, I’ll usually lounge in bed for as long as I can. My home is small and it’s really impossible to make breakfast etc without making noise, so I might leave a note and go out for breakfast and/or errands while they rest.

I try to make sure they know where everything is - or just set things out for them. Towels, coffee, stuff like that. Also how to use things. Sometimes you don’t sleep well in a strange place and it’s a real drag to wake up an hour or two before your host and struggle with their unfamiliar coffee maker etc.
posted by bunderful at 8:26 AM on August 29, 2023

I'll show people where the coffee stuff is, but I make my coffee in a French press and most people seem to be intimidated by it. Plus my wife tells people I make good coffee, so our guests generally wait for me to be up if they want hot coffee. In the warmer months there will be cold brew in the fridge that my wife's happy to share, but very few guests take her up on the offer, for whatever reason.

In our house the more critical thing is the shower, because it's one with separate controls for temperature and volume, the volume control is also the diverter control (turn it one way for a shower, and the other way to fill the tub), and there's one more control that selects whether the shower uses the handheld, the rain head, or both in some measure. We always show people how it works, but even with the walkthrough people are confused by it when they actually try to take a shower.

As a guest: I'm not a morning person but I always wake up early after my first night in a strange bed. I'll generally just find a comfortable place to read until other people are up unless it's a place I've stayed with enough frequency that I can remember how the coffee is made well enough to be able to make it myself after an inadequate amount of sleep. My mom's house, where I bought a French press to leave in her cabinets, is a yes; my sister's house, with a superautomatic espresso machine, is also usually a yes (my brother-in-law is an early riser, though, so he might make it for me when I'm especially sleep deprived and stupid); our friend in Brooklyn doesn't generally make coffee at home, so that's a no even though she has a coffee maker somewhere.

If I'm a guest for multiple nights I usually revert to my usual habits after the first morning, so at that point I'll just wake up if I smell coffee or bacon, and then offer to help with the rest of breakfast preparation.
posted by fedward at 9:40 AM on August 29, 2023

Before them and make coffee as a gift for everyone?

IMO people really don't want others to use their coffee machines, I would expect people would become actively angry if they woke up expecting to do their usual morning routine of making coffee exactly how they wanted it only to be greeted with some sort of expectation they appreciate this "gift".

There's probably some latitude for apologetically saying something like "I hope you don't mind that I went ahead and started a pot of coffee, I was desperate for a cup", but only if you had some morning obligation you were required to attend to. Don't treat it as some sort of a gift to others if you just want your coffee before anyone else is up.
posted by yohko at 6:17 PM on August 29, 2023

I had guests over once and made an elaborate breakfast for them as a surprise. The first thing they said when they woke up was that they had a dietary restriction that meant they couldn't eat anything I'd made.

Don't do what I did.
posted by one for the books at 9:20 PM on August 29, 2023 [2 favorites]