How to grieve properly after avoiding it for a long time?
August 17, 2023 5:17 AM Subscribe
I just skimmed the article about grief camp on the main Metafilter page, and this part really jumped out at me:
“I think a common myth in grieving adults—and I see this in [older] teens a fair bit too—is this ‘black hole phenomenon,’” Warnick said. This is where grievers believe that if they feel the full intensity of their bereavement, they are going to get swallowed whole and remain stuck. The irony is that this fear of getting stuck becomes the real trap.
In denying despair, “there’s an entire blunting out of feeling that happens,” she said. People may not feel the grief, for instance, but they also won’t feel the joy or the gratitude. Warnick said the only way to experience one end of the emotional spectrum—the positive feelings that grief does not disqualify—is by “opening it all up.”
I could relate. After my father died, I remember armouring my mind against the pain. The result was a head-to-toe numbness that prevented me from feeling anything at all. The numbness dissolved only days after my dad’s funeral, when I let out an unrestrained cry. It happened on a hike, surrounded by trees. Somehow, the spring leaves and open air seemed to offer permission to unblock the emotions I had lost access to. I sat down and leaned against an old cedar. The sensation was physical at first—a loosening of my shoulders, an expansion in my tight chest. This bodily unravelling cleared the way for the mental turmoil I had pushed aside. It leaked out; then it cascaded. I wept and yelled. When it was over, I smiled. A lightness carried me through the following days.
I definitely numbed myself. My fear, however, wasn’t that I was going to get swallowed whole and remain stuck - I’m afraid of expressing strong emotions around others because it does impair your functioning. You can’t act like that at work, for example. I hid my emotions around friends and family because if I expressed them, people would respond to them, and I needed to be left alone and not explain what was wrong. The usual things people do and say to express sympathy take effort to respond to.
Now, though, I’m realizing that was a bad idea and I do have to express those emotions - but it’s been such a long time I can’t really do it. I don’t have the urge to do anything dramatic like yell, it’s just a nagging unpleasantness I want to get rid of. Complications: I live in a dense city and have roommates and neighbours and can’t be super loud. It seems like these things have to happen when they happen, or is it possible to schedule them for when you have privacy?
“I think a common myth in grieving adults—and I see this in [older] teens a fair bit too—is this ‘black hole phenomenon,’” Warnick said. This is where grievers believe that if they feel the full intensity of their bereavement, they are going to get swallowed whole and remain stuck. The irony is that this fear of getting stuck becomes the real trap.
In denying despair, “there’s an entire blunting out of feeling that happens,” she said. People may not feel the grief, for instance, but they also won’t feel the joy or the gratitude. Warnick said the only way to experience one end of the emotional spectrum—the positive feelings that grief does not disqualify—is by “opening it all up.”
I could relate. After my father died, I remember armouring my mind against the pain. The result was a head-to-toe numbness that prevented me from feeling anything at all. The numbness dissolved only days after my dad’s funeral, when I let out an unrestrained cry. It happened on a hike, surrounded by trees. Somehow, the spring leaves and open air seemed to offer permission to unblock the emotions I had lost access to. I sat down and leaned against an old cedar. The sensation was physical at first—a loosening of my shoulders, an expansion in my tight chest. This bodily unravelling cleared the way for the mental turmoil I had pushed aside. It leaked out; then it cascaded. I wept and yelled. When it was over, I smiled. A lightness carried me through the following days.
I definitely numbed myself. My fear, however, wasn’t that I was going to get swallowed whole and remain stuck - I’m afraid of expressing strong emotions around others because it does impair your functioning. You can’t act like that at work, for example. I hid my emotions around friends and family because if I expressed them, people would respond to them, and I needed to be left alone and not explain what was wrong. The usual things people do and say to express sympathy take effort to respond to.
Now, though, I’m realizing that was a bad idea and I do have to express those emotions - but it’s been such a long time I can’t really do it. I don’t have the urge to do anything dramatic like yell, it’s just a nagging unpleasantness I want to get rid of. Complications: I live in a dense city and have roommates and neighbours and can’t be super loud. It seems like these things have to happen when they happen, or is it possible to schedule them for when you have privacy?
This post was deleted for the following reason: -- Brandon Blatcher
This is what rituals can be really good at. You might want to set aside a time for a bonfire or throwing rocks in a lake/ocean, visiting a grave (or some pieces of art work for me), lighting candles… schedule some time to go through a ritual, even repetitively. Sometimes it’s the 9th iteration.
One thing I did around my daughter’s death was I ran in her (large) cemetery, and I still do from time to time. The combination of movement and ritual was a good one for me.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:41 AM on August 17, 2023 [3 favorites]
One thing I did around my daughter’s death was I ran in her (large) cemetery, and I still do from time to time. The combination of movement and ritual was a good one for me.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:41 AM on August 17, 2023 [3 favorites]
I wonder if journaling about the loss would help you? I like warriorqueen's idea about movement, too -- I often find the feeling of exhaustion after physical work cathartic.
posted by eirias at 5:50 AM on August 17, 2023
posted by eirias at 5:50 AM on August 17, 2023
One of the great things about emotion focused therapy is that it gives you a space and time to dedicate to having the feelings in a safe and supportive way. You can't exactly time your feelings - my therapist and I have discussed this a lot - but a therapist can help to set the stage for feeling the feelings in a controlled setting with them as a guide.
posted by twelve cent archie at 6:14 AM on August 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by twelve cent archie at 6:14 AM on August 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
I interpret this passage differently.
Many people are “in shock” when they learn of a death. This is a natural trauma response. This immediate reaction is normal, unavoidable, and sometimes passes within a week or a month without intervention. It is this numbness that can carry people through the immediate death rituals and paperwork. I interpret this person’s initial reaction as an immediate trauma response.
This hike seems like it may have taken place relatively soon after the death in question. Perhaps the outpouring of grief was part of the trauma response wearing off. Many people experiencing a loss report these “waves of grief” that are surprising. I personally cried the first time I went to Home Depot after my person died. Same surprise grief, less catharsis.
I do not relate at all to this person’s experience of joy and lightness. I grieved properly and still felt like crap. Don’t get your hopes up.
posted by shock muppet at 6:15 AM on August 17, 2023 [6 favorites]
Many people are “in shock” when they learn of a death. This is a natural trauma response. This immediate reaction is normal, unavoidable, and sometimes passes within a week or a month without intervention. It is this numbness that can carry people through the immediate death rituals and paperwork. I interpret this person’s initial reaction as an immediate trauma response.
This hike seems like it may have taken place relatively soon after the death in question. Perhaps the outpouring of grief was part of the trauma response wearing off. Many people experiencing a loss report these “waves of grief” that are surprising. I personally cried the first time I went to Home Depot after my person died. Same surprise grief, less catharsis.
I do not relate at all to this person’s experience of joy and lightness. I grieved properly and still felt like crap. Don’t get your hopes up.
posted by shock muppet at 6:15 AM on August 17, 2023 [6 favorites]
For me, new and intense experiences can bring on that cathartic grief feeling. Could be engaging with a piece of art (including movies/theater/tv), seeing a really cool animal, unexpectedly coming across a gorgeous moonrise over the ocean. Yeah, sometimes you end up weeping in public but honestly that's not the worst thing; most of the time people will give you your space (or you can avoid them), and if people *do* ask if anything's wrong you don't have to get into it, you can just say you don't need anything and you're going to be OK. I think for most people it's possible to modulate your *expression* of grief so that no one gets scared or calls in a wellness check while still allowing yourself to *feel* it.
I have also done the sobbing while hiking described in the passage you quote, and I highly recommend it! You don't have to go deep into the woods to do this - if you have access to any kind of urban wild space you can go there and cry as much as you want (most of my cry-hiking has been subway-accessible). You might run into someone else, but that's OK, see above about weeping in public.
Like shock muppet I don't quite relate to the "joy and lightness" thing. I still experience this cathartic grief in regards to my husband's death three years ago, and I wouldn't say I feel happy or light after - often I feel angry and resentful - but I do feel less blocked-up.
Also as far as friends and family - you can ask them for what you need around your grief, with words. You can say, "I know you may want to comfort me etc. but I really want to be alone with my feelings for now so I would appreciate it if you left me alone when I'm crying." You don't have to tell them everything, but if it will help to tell them a little, you can do that.
posted by mskyle at 6:30 AM on August 17, 2023
I have also done the sobbing while hiking described in the passage you quote, and I highly recommend it! You don't have to go deep into the woods to do this - if you have access to any kind of urban wild space you can go there and cry as much as you want (most of my cry-hiking has been subway-accessible). You might run into someone else, but that's OK, see above about weeping in public.
Like shock muppet I don't quite relate to the "joy and lightness" thing. I still experience this cathartic grief in regards to my husband's death three years ago, and I wouldn't say I feel happy or light after - often I feel angry and resentful - but I do feel less blocked-up.
Also as far as friends and family - you can ask them for what you need around your grief, with words. You can say, "I know you may want to comfort me etc. but I really want to be alone with my feelings for now so I would appreciate it if you left me alone when I'm crying." You don't have to tell them everything, but if it will help to tell them a little, you can do that.
posted by mskyle at 6:30 AM on August 17, 2023
You can do griefwork with intention, certainly. Assume you won't really know what's going to work, or what needs to come out, until you start exploring it, so just pick a path to explore. Most people do benefit from verbal/text processing after trauma, but you're very reluctant to do that with people you know and are assuming that's the only way, when there's journaling, there's therapy, and there's various forms of meditative interrogations you can do in which you have a conversation with a) an imaginary therapist b) your younger self who's fresh in the loss c) an interviewer or researcher d) an imaginary friend with similar experience e) someone you admire and assume is a good listener and feedback-giver at the level you want. You can do this in your head, you can put in an earbud and go for a walk and pretend to be on the phone, you can write it like a script or a play.
These explorations are part of a bigger exercise where you really do get in and poke directly at the sorest spots and deliberately re-evoke those rawer emotions and see what form they take.
And you definitely can do exercise about it, which is a good way to blow off steam and give your nervous system a good endorphin-y jangling while processing that stress. Find an axe-throwing place if you really want to grunt about it. Nothing about this process HAS to be loud, many people don't have that luxury either, but there's certainly places to go that are loud where you can take advantage of the cover if you find you do want to yell.
Please do get your hopes up. There are lots of methods for processing and contextualizing and eventually finding some kind of acceptance of loss. That doesn't mean grief goes away, because at least the closest ones don't ever completely vanish and your grief will continue to evolve and shapeshift for the rest of your life, but that doesn't mean it is supposed to be an impediment to daily functioning or taking joy in life, or that you are supposed to settle for same.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:37 AM on August 17, 2023 [2 favorites]
These explorations are part of a bigger exercise where you really do get in and poke directly at the sorest spots and deliberately re-evoke those rawer emotions and see what form they take.
And you definitely can do exercise about it, which is a good way to blow off steam and give your nervous system a good endorphin-y jangling while processing that stress. Find an axe-throwing place if you really want to grunt about it. Nothing about this process HAS to be loud, many people don't have that luxury either, but there's certainly places to go that are loud where you can take advantage of the cover if you find you do want to yell.
Please do get your hopes up. There are lots of methods for processing and contextualizing and eventually finding some kind of acceptance of loss. That doesn't mean grief goes away, because at least the closest ones don't ever completely vanish and your grief will continue to evolve and shapeshift for the rest of your life, but that doesn't mean it is supposed to be an impediment to daily functioning or taking joy in life, or that you are supposed to settle for same.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:37 AM on August 17, 2023 [2 favorites]
Oh, and a suggested reframe: don't over-narrativize avoidance or delay. There's a thing we say a lot in bereavement support: it's all normal. However you feel and whatever your path, it's normal. Try to avoid doing harm to yourself or others and get help if you find yourself there, or if your ability to function is suffering so badly it's a threat to your survival or wellbeing, but there's no Right Way that you're failing to achieve.
Part of this ties into the cultural pressure we're under to speedrun grief as fast as we can to get it over with and not inconvenience anyone else, and to also win a medal for doing some awesome grief. Maybe you required this period of not-really-getting-into-it, maybe this IS how your grief do. Maybe today is actually the day you're meant to start digging into it, and you're right on time. Maybe the next time you hit a big loss you'll use this experience to process that one in a different way.
You don't know, you can't know, maybe the way this has played out is fine. There's certainly nothing you can do about it now, so maybe there's an advantage in deciding that you're right on schedule.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:48 AM on August 17, 2023 [8 favorites]
Part of this ties into the cultural pressure we're under to speedrun grief as fast as we can to get it over with and not inconvenience anyone else, and to also win a medal for doing some awesome grief. Maybe you required this period of not-really-getting-into-it, maybe this IS how your grief do. Maybe today is actually the day you're meant to start digging into it, and you're right on time. Maybe the next time you hit a big loss you'll use this experience to process that one in a different way.
You don't know, you can't know, maybe the way this has played out is fine. There's certainly nothing you can do about it now, so maybe there's an advantage in deciding that you're right on schedule.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:48 AM on August 17, 2023 [8 favorites]
Response by poster: Mskyle - I am unfortunately not one of these people, and I think that’s why I’m having this problem. I should have made that clearer in the OP. I’m forced to suppress most of my emotions most of the time because the way I express them isn’t palatable.
I think for most people it's possible to modulate your *expression* of grief so that no one gets scared or calls in a wellness check while still allowing yourself to *feel* it.
posted by wheatlets at 7:13 AM on August 17, 2023
I think for most people it's possible to modulate your *expression* of grief so that no one gets scared or calls in a wellness check while still allowing yourself to *feel* it.
posted by wheatlets at 7:13 AM on August 17, 2023
Is there a rail line near you? Screaming while the train passes is a time honoured tradition. Martial arts is good for yelling and hitting, and at my academy, it’s not that unusual for people to get triggered at times (like it’s not frequent, but it happens - anger/fight/flight or tears) and the lead instructors can handle it. But if you want share what your “unacceptable” looks like the hive mind can probably help.
When I was processing trauma I got a stack of dishes at garage sales and would throw them against a wall (and sweep up later). I was having absolute balls of fury. It helped in a shorter amount of time than I thought.
About the joy etc….I lost my daughter, who lived only a few days, almost 20 years ago. I still have grief times. Some people think that’s ridiculous but oh well, they are not me. The thing that processing has helped with is that a) those times are shorter and b) I am not expending energy on not having them/getting swamped the rest of the time. I would call that joy, but it’s not in relationship to the loss. It’s in relationship to the other things. I can really be glad for my friends’ daughters’ feminine milestones, not just pro forma, but feel glad, even if sometimes I also miss my daughter. That’s how I took that. But it’s very personal.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:26 AM on August 17, 2023 [2 favorites]
When I was processing trauma I got a stack of dishes at garage sales and would throw them against a wall (and sweep up later). I was having absolute balls of fury. It helped in a shorter amount of time than I thought.
About the joy etc….I lost my daughter, who lived only a few days, almost 20 years ago. I still have grief times. Some people think that’s ridiculous but oh well, they are not me. The thing that processing has helped with is that a) those times are shorter and b) I am not expending energy on not having them/getting swamped the rest of the time. I would call that joy, but it’s not in relationship to the loss. It’s in relationship to the other things. I can really be glad for my friends’ daughters’ feminine milestones, not just pro forma, but feel glad, even if sometimes I also miss my daughter. That’s how I took that. But it’s very personal.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:26 AM on August 17, 2023 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Warriorqueen, I’m sorry about your daughter. I don’t think that’s ridiculous at all, I would expect something like that to stay with me for life.
It’s hard to even say what my emotions would look like if I fully expressed them because I’ve been told they were unacceptable from such an early age. Probably more like a feral creature than a human. Basically, my emotions are very intense, and the intensity frightens people and I’m accused of faking and overdramatizing my emotions for attention. I guess I’d make weird noises and flail around a lot and scream.
posted by wheatlets at 11:54 AM on August 17, 2023
It’s hard to even say what my emotions would look like if I fully expressed them because I’ve been told they were unacceptable from such an early age. Probably more like a feral creature than a human. Basically, my emotions are very intense, and the intensity frightens people and I’m accused of faking and overdramatizing my emotions for attention. I guess I’d make weird noises and flail around a lot and scream.
posted by wheatlets at 11:54 AM on August 17, 2023
Well…just a reflection for you…I was raised where emotions were fine if they reflected one parent’s at that moment, but otherwise they were a Terrible Thing. However, as an adult my emotions are generally…fine? I can see why you need to test it.
But do not take your family’s fears as your adult reality. An out of control 4 year old is not just less experienced but cognitively different than you are now. A pool is a great place to flail and even scream underwater.
posted by warriorqueen at 1:31 PM on August 17, 2023
But do not take your family’s fears as your adult reality. An out of control 4 year old is not just less experienced but cognitively different than you are now. A pool is a great place to flail and even scream underwater.
posted by warriorqueen at 1:31 PM on August 17, 2023
Response by poster: I just want to mention that my parents weren't the ones who did that, it was everyone else I interacted with. I don't want them to look horrible here, as they were great parents. They accepted my emotions as legitimate, but were often (understandably) overwhelmed by them, so I also tried to mute them around my parents because I didn't want to set anyone else off and cause more conflict when I was already upset. I also know for sure that my emotions are still that strong because I want to scream and flip a table a good deal of the time. So I guess my OP was wrong and I do have the urge to yell, it's just really suppressed.
posted by wheatlets at 1:47 PM on August 17, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by wheatlets at 1:47 PM on August 17, 2023 [2 favorites]
I did much of my early grieving, the feral kind, in the shower. I took long, very hot showers twice a day for a looong time after my mother died, because it was the only place that felt private enough to just let go. I also lived with roommates in a city. I played music while I showered, plus the water muffles sound surprisingly well, and instead of loud screaming, I just sobbed on the floor of the shower, and did a sort of fully body cry that was so intense I couldn't even actually get sound out. Sometimes I pounded the tile with the soft side of my fists, which, since tile is so damn hard, I didn't have to do very loudly to have pretty serious (painful) physical feedback. It may take some experimenting to figure out what kinds of thoughts bring to that place of feral grief, but once you do figure it out, you can probably manage to schedule this for a time you're more likely to be alone in the apartment.
Like others here, I also took public transport to remote-ish places outdoors and just tried to hide from the few people I saw when there. I also went out in inclement weather a lot, with proper gear, because fewer people would be out.
Another thing i tried was sobbing in an isolation float tank pod thing. It was in its own room, was supposed to be fairly sound proof to begin with, and they had the option of playing music. That worked pretty well, in that no one said a damn thing to me or acted at all like they'd heard me, but it was too expensive to do regularly, and honestly the shower worked well enough.
posted by JuliaIglesias at 2:04 PM on August 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
Like others here, I also took public transport to remote-ish places outdoors and just tried to hide from the few people I saw when there. I also went out in inclement weather a lot, with proper gear, because fewer people would be out.
Another thing i tried was sobbing in an isolation float tank pod thing. It was in its own room, was supposed to be fairly sound proof to begin with, and they had the option of playing music. That worked pretty well, in that no one said a damn thing to me or acted at all like they'd heard me, but it was too expensive to do regularly, and honestly the shower worked well enough.
posted by JuliaIglesias at 2:04 PM on August 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
Oh yeah, worth noting that a lot of people can't or are too uncomfortable to go Full Feral on a friend or loved one, and I wish it wasn't so but we do live in a society and have to think vaguely of others, or at least our wall-sharing neighbors. It's totally okay and normal to do the Shower Cry with bonus Sitting On The Shower Floor, screaming into a pillow, yelling at trains, Roller Coaster Therapy, and the time-honored Confronting Trauma In The Middle Of A Rock Concert (which I think is a thing not because people go there intending to do it, but it's impossibly loud and crowded and dark and music hits the parts of your brain that don't make coherent sentences). Driving And Crying is bad, that's distracted driving, but driving and singing to the radio is fine as long as you find somewhere private to pull over safely and cry or rage.
Humans are mammals and we often go hide under things when we're hurt. This is hard for you because of social AND instinctive oppression. We all have this sense that it's bad and also maybe makes us hyena brunch, it is okay for you to struggle with that and also legitimately not want to get the cops called on you by passersby or terrify a friend or partner, but it is also okay for you to pursue ways to get it out in a safe way. We have an entire society built around "entertainment" for people to scream at because we're not really allowed any other outlet, you're not broken or weird because this is hard for you or because the people around you treated you that way. Society treats hurt people that way, maybe partially because of the hyenas but mostly because we don't know how to deal with people's big feelings and raw pain.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:49 PM on August 18, 2023 [3 favorites]
Humans are mammals and we often go hide under things when we're hurt. This is hard for you because of social AND instinctive oppression. We all have this sense that it's bad and also maybe makes us hyena brunch, it is okay for you to struggle with that and also legitimately not want to get the cops called on you by passersby or terrify a friend or partner, but it is also okay for you to pursue ways to get it out in a safe way. We have an entire society built around "entertainment" for people to scream at because we're not really allowed any other outlet, you're not broken or weird because this is hard for you or because the people around you treated you that way. Society treats hurt people that way, maybe partially because of the hyenas but mostly because we don't know how to deal with people's big feelings and raw pain.
posted by Lyn Never at 1:49 PM on August 18, 2023 [3 favorites]
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For a lot of people a ritual helps. For deaths, visiting a grave or lighting a candle is common. For other things you can visit the metaphorical grave. The point is to set apart time to honor your loss and some physical component often helps with that.
It also doesn't have to be one huge catharsis. You can do a small ritual once a week until you no longer feel the need to do it.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:38 AM on August 17, 2023 [6 favorites]