How do I play around with pronouns?

August 15, 2023 7:17 PM

I’ve become increasingly more aware that maybe I want to use he/they pronouns, but I don’t currently want to tell a bunch of people or start listing them that way on Zoom or email signatures or w/e. Also I present very cismale with a couple of exceptions and I feel imposter syndrome about using them. But I casually referred to my pronouns as he/they today with a stranger and it felt good but also like I was lying? So how do people do this to find out they want to start using different pronouns?
posted by rhymedirective to Human Relations (8 answers total)

Context may be different because I'm comfortably cis. But in situations where We Are Being Intentional About Pronouns in places that aren't super queer, like work for instance, I'll say something like "she, and if you want to practice with inclusive language and use they, I'm cool with that too." Because genuinely I have the privilege of gender ID not being crucial to how I see myself, and I think inclusive language is great, and people like to give new words a try someplace they feel safe.

Some written examples: my metafilter profile here. At work in the place for pronouns I have "she, they okay too."

It'll at least invite more opportunities for you to hear yourself say your pronouns and for others to use them, and you can see how that suits you for a while in a way that could feel like less of a committment.
posted by phunniemee at 7:33 PM on August 15, 2023 [4 favorites]

I felt weird about she/they at first, but I changed it in a low-key way on my Slack profile at work as a first step. The weirdness went away after a while, and I started putting it on my Zoom name. Having another queer colleague deliberately use the "they" pronoun for me for the first time was memorable and felt pretty good. Now I just use that everywhere, and it doesn't feel like a big deal, but sometimes I'll remove it from my Zoom name temporarily if I'm not sure about the audience for any reason.
posted by limeonaire at 7:44 PM on August 15, 2023 [3 favorites]

I started using she/they on Twitter (RIP) first and at my very queer-inclusive church. Also with my therapist. I haven’t attempted to launch it at work because I don’t want to Have Conversations, but I’ll be keeping an eye on other answers in this thread.
posted by matildaben at 8:11 PM on August 15, 2023 [2 favorites]

Imposter syndrome is the pits.

Whenever that little doubting voice pops up, give it a fond kiss a shove it into a job that actually needs to be done. It's trying to protect you, but it's misguided.

Changing your pronouns isn't an all or nothing decision. Try it in some spaces or with some people, where you feel safe. See how that goes. You're allowed to change your mind as many times as you need to.

Just because you have doubts, doesn't mean those doubts are true.
posted by Zumbador at 8:52 PM on August 15, 2023 [2 favorites]

A book club I'm a part of always does an introductory circle with pronouns at the start of every meeting, so I started introducing myself with she/they, and that was nice for getting the feel of things, and eventually I shifted to introducing myself as they/them and that felt more right.

I sometimes find it easier to bring it up immediately when I meet new people (friends of friends or at meetups) vs. bringing it up to friends, since it's a fresh introduction.

Directly telling friends wise I started off telling a few queer friends about trying they/them pronouns and when they used said pronouns, that was affirming and helped cement that those pronouns did feel right for me.

Haven't brought it up at work or been super public yet because I don't enjoy having to bring it up, but yano, a step at a time.
posted by shisica at 9:38 PM on August 15, 2023 [4 favorites]

In my friend group it’s pretty normal for someone to say “hey, I want to try out (whatever new pronoun for themselves), can you try using that for me for a while so I can see how it feels?”

In some cases it’s been an experiment that made the person realize they didn’t actually feel good about it, and in other cases it stuck. Either way it’s a pretty low key thing to experiment with in a small group of friends who are comfortable with e.g. they/them pronouns already. If you have anyone like that in your life it really is fine to just ask them to help you out with an experiment.

Another friend uses they/them in the context of one particular hobby group and nowhere else, at least for now.
posted by Stacey at 4:09 AM on August 16, 2023 [2 favorites]

I added '(he/they)' to my email sig at work after a McKinsey training a year ago; it seemed like a way to show support as a cis hetero male. Googling didn't really shed any light on the subject, so I just did it.

A year later, a training led by my firm led me to believe that 'he/they' would be more appropriate for someone who primarily identifies as a man but, at least sometimes, more as a they, which would not be true for me. So I kept the sig but changed it to '(he/him),' believing that it's more accurate and that using it at all still conveys support.

Just a data point from someone still pretty confused (about pronoun usage).
posted by troywestfield at 8:53 AM on August 18, 2023

I would recommend telling a few trusted friends, coworkers, whoever that you'd like them to refer to you with they in some low-stakes contexts like at coffee shops, in small/intimate social gatherings, weekly meetings, whatever. No need to tell everyone because unless your job is in the garden of Eden, most people who aren't personally invested in your wellbeing won't use them.

What I would more strongly recommend is thinking about what being a they might mean to you, personally. Does it indicate how you'd like to act in relationships? More fun underwear? Taking care of your body in different ways? I think the more you can explore gender as something that comes from inside you, the happier you will be, no matter what pronouns you settle on.

The broader conversation around gender these days seems very pronoun focused, which (as a nb trans person) I think is a shame. Pronoun use mainly asks for other people to validate your experience of gender, often before you have really had a chance to explore your personal relationship to it. That was my experience anyways
posted by Summers at 3:00 AM on August 23, 2023 [1 favorite]