Nearly-solo newborn care
August 15, 2023 4:10 PM Subscribe
I'm planning to take my parental leave with a newborn - our first - while my husband works long hours in a traveling-heavy job. It's going to be a lot. What would you recommend to make that period workable?
I'm twelve weeks pregnant (yay!) and starting to think ahead to actually having a baby (eeek!). Specifically, leave and the newborn phase.
I'm lucky - by American standards - to get ~18 weeks of paid leave as the birthing parent at my job, and even better, my husband will get 16 weeks as his parental leave. Our plan was that we'd both stay home for the first two weeks, then I'd take the remaining 16, he'd overlap for my last week, and then he'd take his remaining 13. That will cover about seven months total, after which the baby will start daycare. (Or maybe we'll try to move to Europe. TBD.) We're both pretty happy with the plan, particularly how both of us will get a good chunk of time to be primary parent to the baby.
However, now that we're thinking through the practical piece of this, we're both a little worried about my solo leave period. My husband's job is wildly demanding, but it has wonderful benefits (the best health insurance I've ever had, and again, 16 weeks parental leave!) so while he does plan to leave it (it's no place for a present parent) we don't want him to leave until after we've adequately milked those benefits. He often travels 3-4 days a week, and even when not traveling, he often works from 8 AM - midnight. He won't be able to dial it back during my leave due to the way it coincides with their busy period, unfortunately, either. That means a lot of solo parenting time for me - including 24-hour solo time when he's traveling. That feel stressful and potentially unsafe. I know people do do it completely solo, but I also know that it's really, really hard.
The bad news is, we have a pretty limited support system here. We don't have any family nearby other than one sibling (who is great in a pinch if we need dog care - which we may - but not comfortable with more than that). We have wonderful friends, but only one set of friends with kids (those friends - who are experienced parents of four - have made the hugely generous offer that I could stay in their guest room when my husband is traveling if I wanted some extra support, which I probably will take them up on now and again). Both my mom and my MIL want to be able to travel out to us and help, and ideally they would have wanted to come stay for extended periods, but they're both already full-time caregivers themselves and cannot travel for too long. Most other family is either disabled or unable to support us in that way, which is totally fine.
The good news is, we can afford some paid support to help. We would be comfortable spending a couple thousand ($2-$3k?) a month, more if we had to, on help for that pre-daycare period. I'm not sure if I should be looking for a short term nanny, a night nurse, a postpartum doula, a mother's helper, or something else. We already have a great house cleaner and a wonderful dog walker that come periodically, and we'll probably dial up the frequency of those services. I also have some time to build up other support systems/plans, I just don't know what those might look like.
So my question is - particularly for experienced parents - am I correct in assuming that doing parental leave solo will likely require outside support? If so, what should I be thinking about/prioritizing in finding or building that support over the coming months? Or what else would you recommend he and I consider in our planning for that period? All advice is welcome.
I'm twelve weeks pregnant (yay!) and starting to think ahead to actually having a baby (eeek!). Specifically, leave and the newborn phase.
I'm lucky - by American standards - to get ~18 weeks of paid leave as the birthing parent at my job, and even better, my husband will get 16 weeks as his parental leave. Our plan was that we'd both stay home for the first two weeks, then I'd take the remaining 16, he'd overlap for my last week, and then he'd take his remaining 13. That will cover about seven months total, after which the baby will start daycare. (Or maybe we'll try to move to Europe. TBD.) We're both pretty happy with the plan, particularly how both of us will get a good chunk of time to be primary parent to the baby.
However, now that we're thinking through the practical piece of this, we're both a little worried about my solo leave period. My husband's job is wildly demanding, but it has wonderful benefits (the best health insurance I've ever had, and again, 16 weeks parental leave!) so while he does plan to leave it (it's no place for a present parent) we don't want him to leave until after we've adequately milked those benefits. He often travels 3-4 days a week, and even when not traveling, he often works from 8 AM - midnight. He won't be able to dial it back during my leave due to the way it coincides with their busy period, unfortunately, either. That means a lot of solo parenting time for me - including 24-hour solo time when he's traveling. That feel stressful and potentially unsafe. I know people do do it completely solo, but I also know that it's really, really hard.
The bad news is, we have a pretty limited support system here. We don't have any family nearby other than one sibling (who is great in a pinch if we need dog care - which we may - but not comfortable with more than that). We have wonderful friends, but only one set of friends with kids (those friends - who are experienced parents of four - have made the hugely generous offer that I could stay in their guest room when my husband is traveling if I wanted some extra support, which I probably will take them up on now and again). Both my mom and my MIL want to be able to travel out to us and help, and ideally they would have wanted to come stay for extended periods, but they're both already full-time caregivers themselves and cannot travel for too long. Most other family is either disabled or unable to support us in that way, which is totally fine.
The good news is, we can afford some paid support to help. We would be comfortable spending a couple thousand ($2-$3k?) a month, more if we had to, on help for that pre-daycare period. I'm not sure if I should be looking for a short term nanny, a night nurse, a postpartum doula, a mother's helper, or something else. We already have a great house cleaner and a wonderful dog walker that come periodically, and we'll probably dial up the frequency of those services. I also have some time to build up other support systems/plans, I just don't know what those might look like.
So my question is - particularly for experienced parents - am I correct in assuming that doing parental leave solo will likely require outside support? If so, what should I be thinking about/prioritizing in finding or building that support over the coming months? Or what else would you recommend he and I consider in our planning for that period? All advice is welcome.
Id suggest having your husband take off more than just two weeks at the beginning. If you have a c-section you’ll be dealing with a newborn and recovering from abdominal surgery at the same time. If you have an uncomplicated vaginal birth you’ll still be dealing with insane lack of sleep and learning how to care for your new human.
posted by sciencegeek at 4:31 PM on August 15, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by sciencegeek at 4:31 PM on August 15, 2023 [6 favorites]
My wife still yells at me for doing the 2 week + rest later.
Maybe do 4-8 weeks starting off and do rest later? It’s worth it.
posted by sandmanwv at 4:33 PM on August 15, 2023 [10 favorites]
Maybe do 4-8 weeks starting off and do rest later? It’s worth it.
posted by sandmanwv at 4:33 PM on August 15, 2023 [10 favorites]
For us, 4 weeks off for both parents upfront was our sweet spot. At 2 weeks postpartum, you may still be bleeding and very uncomfortable l. (Or not! You may be fine! But just… allow room for other possibilities)
In your shoes, I would hire a mother’s helper for 3hrs/day, 4-5 days/week. I would also consider hiring a night nurse around 3.5 months, when there is often a sleep regression.
posted by samthemander at 4:34 PM on August 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
In your shoes, I would hire a mother’s helper for 3hrs/day, 4-5 days/week. I would also consider hiring a night nurse around 3.5 months, when there is often a sleep regression.
posted by samthemander at 4:34 PM on August 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
My rec is to make sure your final plan/paid assistance includes you getting fed good healthy meals. I was perfectly willing to take the babe to the pedi by myself, go for walks with her by myself, shower when she napped, etc, but there was never ever a good way to do grocery shopping and cooking that didn't interfere with nursing for 45 minutes every 3-4hrs.
posted by beaning at 4:42 PM on August 15, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by beaning at 4:42 PM on August 15, 2023 [5 favorites]
Food is a big thing. Having low/zero-prep meals available that you can eat while holding the baby and are reasonably nutritious helps a lot. Yes, you could order food on the day, but that is One More Fucking Thing, which is the last thing you want when you're hungry
posted by DebetEsse at 4:44 PM on August 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by DebetEsse at 4:44 PM on August 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
When I was newly postpartum, a friend organized a meal train for me. It wasn't even someone I knew that well! -- just a casual friend who'd been there and knew exactly the value of this type of support. People in my network showed up a few times a week with meals for the fridge or freezer. It vastly improved my ability to cope in those early days where it's tough to put the baby down. This may be a concrete way that your childless friends can contribute -- and I bet they'll be looking for ways to help.
posted by eirias at 4:59 PM on August 15, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by eirias at 4:59 PM on August 15, 2023 [4 favorites]
Seconding overlapping by more than 2 weeks. I know it sounds really great to stretch out that parental leave as long as possible but seriously those early weeks are rough. Consider hiring a night doula to maximize sleep. If you have or have had any mental health struggles set up your care team now: talk to your obgyn/midwife, therapist (or get one, there are people who specialize in post partum parental care), doctor, nurse, friends and family you can count on even if they're not nearby. Do set up those short visits from mom and mil, even a short time can help. Also, a meal train is amazing. Non kid friends can also be helpful with non baby things: doing laundry, taking out trash, washing dishes, vacuuming and tidying, running errands, picking up groceries.
posted by carrioncomfort at 5:08 PM on August 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by carrioncomfort at 5:08 PM on August 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
This is my strong, strong advice - just get a fulltime nanny to start as soon as the baby comes. You’ll be basically a solo parent until your husband gets a new job, and you need the consistent help. Especially since you have your own job.
posted by haptic_avenger at 5:13 PM on August 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by haptic_avenger at 5:13 PM on August 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
Nthing having your husband home (or someone with you full time) for the first month. My husband has a super long hours/demanding job and was able to be home for the first month and then I was solo a lot for the last two months of my leave after he went back to work, except for two grandparent visits. By a month in, I was feeling more healed from birth, we were in a better groove with how to feed/comfort/troubleshoot our specific newborn. A lot of it was just boring since newborns are extremely cute but mostly sleep.
I would focus on using your friend support and extra funds on getting you a full night of sleep every week at a minimum, and getting out of the house for a few hours without the baby once a week or so.
posted by MadamM at 5:14 PM on August 15, 2023 [1 favorite]
I would focus on using your friend support and extra funds on getting you a full night of sleep every week at a minimum, and getting out of the house for a few hours without the baby once a week or so.
posted by MadamM at 5:14 PM on August 15, 2023 [1 favorite]
Sleep. This is not overrated. Get support people so that you can get some scheduled rest, even if it is just dozing on the couch to comfort sounds.
Your mind Is still on "parent duty" for a long, long time, so plan out general periods of downtime.
My sweet husband spent most Saturday mornings taking the infant with him to shopping/the park so that I could sleep in without that buzz in the back of my head saying, "Check on the baby!"
You will make mistakes. So will your spouse. Be easy on yourself. This, too, will pass.
Nobody will care in ten years if you could breastfeed, how long until your child was potty trained, if you were the crunchy granola mom or highly focused and organized. You will still care, but that's the parent tax.
Social media is the devil's playground. Ask yourself if you really want those cute pictures/videos posted forever.
The first three months of your child's life is the Fourth Trimester for you. Take recovery seriously and maximize the help you can get, from your spouse and others.
You may not need it, or you may realize in hindsight that you were drowning and desperately needed every advantage you could get.
If/when the second baby comes along, you will be shocked by how easy it was to deal with one infant. One mouth to feed. One bottom to wipe. One child demanding attention.
Pro tip: the baby sleeps, you sleep. You can't do that with two kids.
Parenting is the greatest adventure. Take photos and videos (but don't post them) and hang on tight.
Little mosst will be in college before you know it.
Good luck! Enjoy the ride!
posted by TrishaU at 5:55 PM on August 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
Your mind Is still on "parent duty" for a long, long time, so plan out general periods of downtime.
My sweet husband spent most Saturday mornings taking the infant with him to shopping/the park so that I could sleep in without that buzz in the back of my head saying, "Check on the baby!"
You will make mistakes. So will your spouse. Be easy on yourself. This, too, will pass.
Nobody will care in ten years if you could breastfeed, how long until your child was potty trained, if you were the crunchy granola mom or highly focused and organized. You will still care, but that's the parent tax.
Social media is the devil's playground. Ask yourself if you really want those cute pictures/videos posted forever.
The first three months of your child's life is the Fourth Trimester for you. Take recovery seriously and maximize the help you can get, from your spouse and others.
You may not need it, or you may realize in hindsight that you were drowning and desperately needed every advantage you could get.
If/when the second baby comes along, you will be shocked by how easy it was to deal with one infant. One mouth to feed. One bottom to wipe. One child demanding attention.
Pro tip: the baby sleeps, you sleep. You can't do that with two kids.
Parenting is the greatest adventure. Take photos and videos (but don't post them) and hang on tight.
Little mosst will be in college before you know it.
Good luck! Enjoy the ride!
posted by TrishaU at 5:55 PM on August 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
Well ahead of the birth, come to an agreement with your husband about how you will manage sleep duty when you are both there. I say 'sleep duty' because you need to treat sleep like it's your flippin job. My child's mother and I had a firm rule that at no time during the night should both of us be awake at the same time, unless the baby-holder specifically needed something done by the other. Whoever had the baby had the baby and the other person was required to sleep. This helped ensure that the sleeping person had a modicum of sanity when it was their turn to wake up and take [back] the baby.
posted by jerome powell buys his sweatbands in bulk only at 6:06 PM on August 15, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by jerome powell buys his sweatbands in bulk only at 6:06 PM on August 15, 2023 [6 favorites]
All babies and mama bodies are different, so I think there's a lot of uncertainty about what help you'll need. I had six months of maternal leave and I would have traded a month of leave for another set of hands in that first/second/third month. Granted we had a two week NICU stay and a lot of follow up medical appointments, but so many other women I know have had complications because birth is a LOT.
Is it possible for your partner to have conversations about adjusting some of his responsibilities during those first few months? A couple of fathers at my workplace were able to have more work from home days and flexible scheduling. My partner had an overnight trip around the three month mark and it was really hard - I was pretty dependent on him to swap out part of the night to get a couple of hours of sleep.
What about having a friend or family member come and stay for a week or two? Otherwise I'd look into a night nurse or mother's helper or a doula and try to start a relationship sooner so you feel comfortable with them later. The nights were the hardest for me. having someone take the baby for just 15 minutes during the day so I could shower or nap was also huge.
A couple of acquaintances had babies that napped and slept independently without any special work on their part. Another mom seemed to cruise okay without much sleep, but I found the constant, building exhaustion made it impossible to do much but tend to baby.
If I had another baby, I personally would plan for the possibility that I might be bedridden for two-three months, that my baby would need to be held 24/7, and that somehow I would have to get a minimum of four hours of uninterrupted sleep every night and throw any money I had at those problems. But you may get a sweet placid baby and need fewer accommodations.
Congratulations! I find my baby to be very awesome and worth those newborn months.
posted by ajarbaday at 6:14 PM on August 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
Is it possible for your partner to have conversations about adjusting some of his responsibilities during those first few months? A couple of fathers at my workplace were able to have more work from home days and flexible scheduling. My partner had an overnight trip around the three month mark and it was really hard - I was pretty dependent on him to swap out part of the night to get a couple of hours of sleep.
What about having a friend or family member come and stay for a week or two? Otherwise I'd look into a night nurse or mother's helper or a doula and try to start a relationship sooner so you feel comfortable with them later. The nights were the hardest for me. having someone take the baby for just 15 minutes during the day so I could shower or nap was also huge.
A couple of acquaintances had babies that napped and slept independently without any special work on their part. Another mom seemed to cruise okay without much sleep, but I found the constant, building exhaustion made it impossible to do much but tend to baby.
If I had another baby, I personally would plan for the possibility that I might be bedridden for two-three months, that my baby would need to be held 24/7, and that somehow I would have to get a minimum of four hours of uninterrupted sleep every night and throw any money I had at those problems. But you may get a sweet placid baby and need fewer accommodations.
Congratulations! I find my baby to be very awesome and worth those newborn months.
posted by ajarbaday at 6:14 PM on August 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
Having a postpartum doula was amazing and we should have had her come more often. She took care of me by taking care of the baby. When she came over during the day, she’d ask what I needed - nap? Shower? Snack? It felt a little weird having someone come over and make me toast, then hold the baby so I could eat but it was so nice to feel like someone was taking care of me. At night, she came over around 10pm, we’d talk about when the baby last ate and such, and then I went to bed while she stayed with the baby. When the baby started fussing, she brought me the baby in bed so I could nurse and go right back to sleep. Again, it was a little weird - I think I immediately fell into a deep sleep so when she woke me up to nurse, part of me was like, who tf are you?! - but again, it was really nice.
I was really not psyched about having another person in my space which is why I was hesitant to get a postpartum doula. And I didn’t know what I was looking for with her. But I feel like it’s so nice to have another adult around just to almost witness this growing person and recognize how sweet and delightful they are. My second was born just before Covid started and I think that’s something I missed - yeah, it could be described as showing off the baby but just being able to share the baby experience with another adult and laugh with someone when she farts or sneezes. Good luck!
posted by kat518 at 6:24 PM on August 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
I was really not psyched about having another person in my space which is why I was hesitant to get a postpartum doula. And I didn’t know what I was looking for with her. But I feel like it’s so nice to have another adult around just to almost witness this growing person and recognize how sweet and delightful they are. My second was born just before Covid started and I think that’s something I missed - yeah, it could be described as showing off the baby but just being able to share the baby experience with another adult and laugh with someone when she farts or sneezes. Good luck!
posted by kat518 at 6:24 PM on August 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
If you can afford to start baby in daycare at 6 months instead of 7 (and it sounds like you can), I would highly recommend you both taking the first 6 or 8 weeks together (or at *least* 4.) Those early weeks are such an exhausting, stressful, transformative time, and going through it together can make such a difference in more ways than you can imagine, from helping split the burden of the worst of the sleep deprivation, to starting out your parenting journey as equal partners, and much more. Our original plan was basically like yours, but one week postpartum I begged my husband to change his plans and stay home with me for longer, and we often look back on that as one of the best decisions we ever made.
If that just is not possible for you, then yes, hire night nannies to help or whatever. But it is just so much different to be in a "this is so hard, but we're both in the thick of it trying to figure it out and support eachother as best we can, as we learn how to be parents together" situation than an "this is so hard, and I'm dealing with so much mostly on my own, and you're gone all the time and I kind of resent you for that, and you're trying to juggle your very demanding job with helping a little but it's not good enough for me so you kind of resent me for that, and we're both stretched too thin and tired and irritated at eachother, and I'm doing so much more parenting and starting out as the default parent in ways that may set precedents that are extremely hard to shift moving forward" situation.
posted by EmilyClimbs at 7:47 PM on August 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
If that just is not possible for you, then yes, hire night nannies to help or whatever. But it is just so much different to be in a "this is so hard, but we're both in the thick of it trying to figure it out and support eachother as best we can, as we learn how to be parents together" situation than an "this is so hard, and I'm dealing with so much mostly on my own, and you're gone all the time and I kind of resent you for that, and you're trying to juggle your very demanding job with helping a little but it's not good enough for me so you kind of resent me for that, and we're both stretched too thin and tired and irritated at eachother, and I'm doing so much more parenting and starting out as the default parent in ways that may set precedents that are extremely hard to shift moving forward" situation.
posted by EmilyClimbs at 7:47 PM on August 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
I think a lot of parenting advice, especially for the very early postpartum stages, tends toward assuming a "worst case" scenario. Babies (and parents) are all really different, and you won't know what kind of experience you will get until the baby is here--but not everyone has an "in the trenches, never sleeping, haven't showered in weeks" postpartum experience. People don't talk about it as much, but some babies (including mine!) sleep well pretty much right away, which obviously completely changes the early postpartum game. I didn't have nearly as much support as you are talking about having (my kid was born early in the pandemic and my husband is a nurse...), and it really, honestly was fine.
What you are planning related to leave would have worked great for my family. Having your husband home with the baby when you return to work instead of having a giant transition of you going back to work and baby starting daycare is awesome. Plus, both parents having a stretch at "solo parenting" is great and sets you up for a lifetime of equal parenting. It stinks that you can't know what kind of postpartum experience you are going to have until the baby is already here, so be ready to adapt, but everything you have planned might work great!
posted by mjcon at 8:05 PM on August 15, 2023
What you are planning related to leave would have worked great for my family. Having your husband home with the baby when you return to work instead of having a giant transition of you going back to work and baby starting daycare is awesome. Plus, both parents having a stretch at "solo parenting" is great and sets you up for a lifetime of equal parenting. It stinks that you can't know what kind of postpartum experience you are going to have until the baby is already here, so be ready to adapt, but everything you have planned might work great!
posted by mjcon at 8:05 PM on August 15, 2023
It's difficult to know what the birth will be like and therefore what your recovery will be like. I took four weeks of leave at the beginning and in our case that was long enough that we had a really solid routine by the end of it (despite my wife having had a c-section). Mileage may vary.
Get help (paid) with food which you should have delivered in ready to eat form and cleaning, really anything that isn't parenting.
Also, when the baby sleeps, you need to sleep, even if you're not so tired that you desperately need to. Again, your experience will vary and our son has slept through the night since he was only two months old but many babies will take much, much longer to do that.
posted by atrazine at 1:33 AM on August 16, 2023
Get help (paid) with food which you should have delivered in ready to eat form and cleaning, really anything that isn't parenting.
Also, when the baby sleeps, you need to sleep, even if you're not so tired that you desperately need to. Again, your experience will vary and our son has slept through the night since he was only two months old but many babies will take much, much longer to do that.
posted by atrazine at 1:33 AM on August 16, 2023
Start having these discussions now. You will need to make decisions about what to pay for and how much leave to take based on the situations you encounter (complicated birth or not, whether the baby falls asleep easily, etc), so you cannot decide yet, but you could both set up some criteria and practice coming to an agreement while you're not sleep-deprived.
It sounds like your husband is pretty set on working long days while you might be struggling at home. How will (both of) you know that the situation calls for a change of plans, in whatever form? (Spending (way) more money on support, him working part-time for a while, moving in with those friends for some weeks?) If you can discuss several scenarios now, you'll have something of a benchmark later. And if it turns out that you disagree that e.g. 'mommy is bored out of her mind' is worth spending money on, you stand a much better chance of resolving that now than when the baby is finally asleep and you can only whisper and you'd rather spend your time showering than arguing.
posted by demi-octopus at 2:23 AM on August 16, 2023
It sounds like your husband is pretty set on working long days while you might be struggling at home. How will (both of) you know that the situation calls for a change of plans, in whatever form? (Spending (way) more money on support, him working part-time for a while, moving in with those friends for some weeks?) If you can discuss several scenarios now, you'll have something of a benchmark later. And if it turns out that you disagree that e.g. 'mommy is bored out of her mind' is worth spending money on, you stand a much better chance of resolving that now than when the baby is finally asleep and you can only whisper and you'd rather spend your time showering than arguing.
posted by demi-octopus at 2:23 AM on August 16, 2023
If you are planning on breastfeeding make sure that your baby will also take a bottle from the get-go, whether it's full of your pumped breast milk or formula, so that your husband or any other caregiver can feed the baby.
posted by mareli at 5:14 AM on August 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by mareli at 5:14 AM on August 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
Hi! I am a mother of an 11 month old blearily answering this on the subway to work, so forgive any repeated answers!
Postpartum doula, postpartum doula, postpartum doula. Best money we spent hands down. My husband and I did the staggered leave thing, so he went back after two weeks, although not on travel. We contracted with a postpartum doula service and did 1 overnight and 1-2 day shifts per week. KNOWING I would get a full night of sleep once a week, and that an emotionally regulated adult would be by during the day to do laundry and dishes and let me nap and chat about baby things AND NOT EXPECT TO BE HOSTED AND WOULD LEAVE WHEN THEY WERE DONE was absolutely psychologically structural for me. We wound up with a trap baby, the kind of chill kid who tricks you into having more, and I took the lazy way out and never breastfed and didn't have a C-section so recovery was relatively easy, and it was STILL so helpful having the doulas with me.
Also definitely take people up on any offers to meal prep or cook. Tell them to make things you can eat with one hand, or that are good at room temperature. If people who are HELPFUL want to visit regularly, if your kid experiences witching hour in the afternoon/evening, try to schedule it then. The thing that would have been hardest to cope with if my husband had been traveling was those evenings when the baby and I would both cry for a few hours. Having someone come by so you can get away from the screaming and take a nap/shower then helps a lot.
And it's up to you, but I have zero regrets staggering our leave. Would it have been nice to have more time together up front, sure, but I think my husband taking 10 weeks solo without me around was amazing and irreplaceable in terms of allowing him to form his own bond and develop his own parenting preferences and skills without feeling like he had me around unintentionally gatekeeping or judging (even if I wasn't).
Be prepared for your plans to get thrown out - every birth and every baby is different and we learn to adapt on the fly. Congratulations and good luck!
posted by bowtiesarecool at 5:24 AM on August 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
Postpartum doula, postpartum doula, postpartum doula. Best money we spent hands down. My husband and I did the staggered leave thing, so he went back after two weeks, although not on travel. We contracted with a postpartum doula service and did 1 overnight and 1-2 day shifts per week. KNOWING I would get a full night of sleep once a week, and that an emotionally regulated adult would be by during the day to do laundry and dishes and let me nap and chat about baby things AND NOT EXPECT TO BE HOSTED AND WOULD LEAVE WHEN THEY WERE DONE was absolutely psychologically structural for me. We wound up with a trap baby, the kind of chill kid who tricks you into having more, and I took the lazy way out and never breastfed and didn't have a C-section so recovery was relatively easy, and it was STILL so helpful having the doulas with me.
Also definitely take people up on any offers to meal prep or cook. Tell them to make things you can eat with one hand, or that are good at room temperature. If people who are HELPFUL want to visit regularly, if your kid experiences witching hour in the afternoon/evening, try to schedule it then. The thing that would have been hardest to cope with if my husband had been traveling was those evenings when the baby and I would both cry for a few hours. Having someone come by so you can get away from the screaming and take a nap/shower then helps a lot.
And it's up to you, but I have zero regrets staggering our leave. Would it have been nice to have more time together up front, sure, but I think my husband taking 10 weeks solo without me around was amazing and irreplaceable in terms of allowing him to form his own bond and develop his own parenting preferences and skills without feeling like he had me around unintentionally gatekeeping or judging (even if I wasn't).
Be prepared for your plans to get thrown out - every birth and every baby is different and we learn to adapt on the fly. Congratulations and good luck!
posted by bowtiesarecool at 5:24 AM on August 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
Someone mentioned autopay and I'd agree with that and add in a general thinning out of expectations and delegation to others whenever possible. And I mean this kindly, the time may just not be there to do or maintain highly detailed or complex or extravagant activities. Have a 20 step beauty regime? Need 3 hrs of exercise daily? The doula put things away in a different spot? Baby spit up on your fav cashmere throw? Start adjusting that now. You can resume these later.
And start now for any holiday shopping or other planning.
posted by beaning at 6:05 AM on August 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
And start now for any holiday shopping or other planning.
posted by beaning at 6:05 AM on August 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
Does parental leave have to be taken all at once per company policy? If not, it's worth considering whether returning to work a bit earlier in exchange for regular intermittent leave is a suitable option for you.
posted by oceano at 8:02 AM on August 16, 2023
posted by oceano at 8:02 AM on August 16, 2023
Lots of advice here to overlap your leaves more at the beginning. I'm going to put in a vote for the alternative. I breastfed, and found that having my husband home at the beginning was helpful but not crucial, as I was doing the majority of the care anyway, through feeding 'round the clock. I would have preferred to have my husband around later in my leave where we could go do things together, he could take the baby for stretches so I could do other things, etc. That said, you never know what kind of birth you're going to have, or what your breastfeeding journey might entail, so it's very hard to predict!
posted by reksb at 4:09 PM on August 16, 2023
posted by reksb at 4:09 PM on August 16, 2023
Hello! Is there a way that your partner can time their leave during the busy travel parts of their work, or do intermittent leave scattered throughout some of your leave so that they don’t do the travel while you are at leave? This policy varies from company to company in the USA.
Some areas have expectant parent classes or support groups which can be awesome ways to build community and support.
My last bit of advice, having led a number of new parent support groups, is that your birth plan often doesn’t go to plan; I’ve heard lots of arrival stories around early births, water breaking early, NICU stays, feeding challenges, and the like.
Give yourself and your partner the grace to know that the plans you make now might change, or that a care plan that seems reasonable now might be very unreasonable after your baby’s arrival. Try to have more support lined up than you think you need, especially after the first month.
Best of luck, parenthood has been the hardest and most joyful thing I’ve ever done.
posted by WedgedPiano at 8:20 PM on August 16, 2023
Some areas have expectant parent classes or support groups which can be awesome ways to build community and support.
My last bit of advice, having led a number of new parent support groups, is that your birth plan often doesn’t go to plan; I’ve heard lots of arrival stories around early births, water breaking early, NICU stays, feeding challenges, and the like.
Give yourself and your partner the grace to know that the plans you make now might change, or that a care plan that seems reasonable now might be very unreasonable after your baby’s arrival. Try to have more support lined up than you think you need, especially after the first month.
Best of luck, parenthood has been the hardest and most joyful thing I’ve ever done.
posted by WedgedPiano at 8:20 PM on August 16, 2023
Response by poster: Dropping back in to thank everyone SO MUCH for your input - we're taking it all as food for thought and exploring further for things like husband taking longer leave at the beginning and hiring a postpartum doula. With a hefty dose of flexibility for the unexpected. We're very excited, but whew, it sure would be easier to plan around this stuff if you were able to accurately predict exactly what your birth and newborn would be like.
posted by mosst at 11:32 AM on August 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by mosst at 11:32 AM on August 23, 2023 [1 favorite]
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posted by nickggully at 4:13 PM on August 15, 2023 [1 favorite]