How do I find myself again?

August 13, 2023 10:54 AM

Overall, life is going well - wonderful new boyfriend, job and apartment however I seem to have lost myself in the process of acquiring all that. How do I get back to who I am and enjoy my life? Snowflakes inside.

After a long period of dysfunction and despair I have somehow turned my life around with a swanky new job, a brilliant new boyfriend and a coastal home. However amidst all that I have forgotten who I am and it is causing me much distress. I used to write, paint, hike, watch foreign films, travel, bake, cook, dine out, see friends and all I can do now is fester and wait around for work and boyfriend. Weirdly, two of my core values is independence and creativity so what the hell am I doing waiting around for his text or call when I can finish my damn novel and hike mountains?!

This week, I rejoined my yoga and writing classes and have started to make an effort to cook good food and go for walks. I feel like I had a bit of a downturn after work troubles and an extended period of stress so I am trying to not be hard on myself. However, it is making me depressed and anxious when I am not at work or with boyfriend which is ludicrous and I know it is a sign of slight insanity. I am in therapy for these issues - I also have mega trust and abandonment issues - and wondered if anyone has similar stories and/or insight?

posted by foxmardou to Health & Fitness (9 answers total)

Go do the things that matter to you. Your boyfriend will either do them with you, or not, and be there when you get back. I feel like I'd rather learn early if there's a compatibility problem there for either of you.
posted by Alterscape at 11:13 AM on August 13, 2023 [6 favorites]

Maybe you're not someone who thrives in a traditional relationship, or maybe there's something about this one that's making you feel insecure for a good reason?

Maybe your job and relationship are taking up all of your energy, and you don't have any left over?
posted by wheatlets at 11:50 AM on August 13, 2023 [3 favorites]

Best answer: >> I used to write, paint, hike, watch foreign films, travel, bake, cook, dine out, see friends

That's not a small amount of stuff to have going on, especially when one has commitments (of both time and energy) to a job and a relationship. I wonder if you have a higher expectation for what level of activity you can reasonably manage than you have resources (time and energy) for.

Also it occurs to me, after re-reading the title, to wonder whether you're defining yourself by what you do and using your involvement in those activities to value yourself. You have intrinsic value separate from whether or not you're doing 'interesting' things. You have a self whose value is not defined by what you do. It's hard for any of us to see that, to trust it, especially living in a world that amplifies and celebrates activity over substance.
posted by armoir from antproof case at 11:53 AM on August 13, 2023 [22 favorites]

Best answer: You don't have to list the numbers here, but the two questions I have after reading your post are: how old are you now, and how old were you when you "used to write, paint, hike, watch foreign films, travel, bake, cook, dine out, see friends"?

The reason I ask is because of something I've noticed in myself. Pre-COVID, I was maybe not as active as you, but I was still fairly active - my wife and I would go out to eat multiple times a week, go see films, shows, occasionally museums, all the stuff that "going out" tends to be. And it was great! And fun!

But then COVID hit, and...we sat inside and read books and watched TV and movies on TV. A lot. Now, post-COVID, my default mentality is not "hey let's go out" but "hey let's sit on the deck and drink a glass of wine, then later watch a show or a movie".

So I did have a period recently of questioning "what happened to me? I used to be interesting!", and one of the conclusions I came to is that age plays a big part in my mentality now. When I was out-and-about and active and always engaged, I was in my 30's and 40's. I turned 51 the first year of COVID, and here I am, 54 years old and perfectly content with my quieter, don't get out as much life. I'm still mentally active, I still read a lot and watch a lot of interesting things, and my wife and I have great conversations; we just don't go out or do external things nearly as often as we used to, and I'm 100% fine with that.

So for me, at least, "who am I now" is colored as much by just the normal aging process as by life experience - and I tell you all this to wonder whether age plays a part in the changes you are experiencing without you realizing it. I don't know how long your "long period of dysfunction and despair" lasted, but it sounds like you've come out of it in a pretty healthy way, and you like a lot of things about your life now; could it be that you were younger then and now you're at a point where those things aren't as mandatory for you as they were?

I don't know if any of that was helpful or not, but I wish you luck as you rediscover what way of living makes you happy. Whatever comes next, build on what you have, because it sounds like you're in a pretty decent place overall.
posted by pdb at 12:56 PM on August 13, 2023 [8 favorites]

You've acknowledged that you've been through a lot of stress, yet you might not be recognizing how much stress. A new relationship, even a great one, is a huge change that requires a lot of adjustment. You're happy about your job, but ditto: massive change. Even if all you'd done is move to a wonderful new dwelling in a new area, you'd still be uneasy. Add to all that the fact of recovering from your earlier troubles.

Your life is so different now. Your entire nervous system has taken a significant hit. Catch yourself when you find yourself , "Why do I feel so bad, I must make it stop!" It takes time, experimentation, and practice.
posted by wryly at 12:58 PM on August 13, 2023 [6 favorites]

That’s a lot of (thankfully positive) change in a short period of time: new job, new home, new relationship. Any one of these things might result in spending less time on previously usual activities and pursuits. It’s so common to “check out” of these things in the early stages of a new relationship that it’s a cliché. And, on the other side of the coin, there are activities that a person might do to fill a gap or during times when things aren’t going very well but not otherwise. I have a friend who writes (very good) poetry when her life is it a very low ebb, but doesn’t feel inspired to write when things are going better. You say you had a “long period of dysfunction and despair” and it seems not so unusual that you won’t pursue everything in the long list of activities in which you engaged during those bad times now that times are pretty good. So, really… do the things you feel like doing when you feel like doing them. You’ll find that some of them come back to you and others may not—and that’s okay. Also, remember to enjoy the positive turn things have taken.
posted by slkinsey at 2:01 PM on August 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

I've spent the last few years going to therapy and it has also involved a process of re-acquainting myself with things that bring me joy. Between work, relationship and COVID I
had allowed myself to settle for less stimulation and connection than I need to thrive. When I realized I needed to invest some energy in meeting people and doing things I loved, I started slowly and sustainably exploring things to get involved in, like you. Taking some action of any kind at all does help. Also, listen to yourself. Some preferences do change with age, and with what you do with work and your off time. Since my work has become more self-driven and deskbound, I've found I needed to dial back on other similar stuff I used to do like volunteer leadership/organizing, and dial up active, outdoor volunteering where I'm not in charge. Start slow, experiment, notice what gives you energy and what saps energy, and good luck getting your groove back!
posted by Miko at 7:37 PM on August 13, 2023 [2 favorites]

Also you might check this book out - it's inspiring me to do more journaling about my own delights in life.
posted by Miko at 7:38 PM on August 13, 2023

Your question strikes a chord-- I'm also dealing with the presence of a partner in my formerly solitary life. Partner is a good person and partnership is lovely, but I'm finding that I'm neglecting many of the fulfilling, essential things I did as a single person. (Though unlike you, I haven't moved house or changed jobs.)

Firstly, congratulations on the new job! It's totally normal for a new job to take up a lot of your concentration and energy: both the job itself and the adjustment in your life. I hope that as you settle into a routine there, it will feel easier and you'll have more energy left for other things. Depending on the nature of the job, you may also get a more reliable sense of the time you'll have to see friends, go hiking, et cetera.

Partner: how new is the relationship? Because at the beginning you'll want to do EVERYTHING together, and later you may settle into each doing your own thing and coming home to each other. I would encourage talking with him about your feelings and the activities you miss. He may well have hobbies of his own that he's let slip for the same reasons.

Moving, starting a job and starting a relationship are all huge things. Your life has changed and is changing. Inevitably some things will be left behind, but I hope you'll be able to make space for what's important to you.
posted by Pallas Athena at 8:13 PM on August 13, 2023 [2 favorites]