Netilat yayadim cup ok as bat mitzvah gift?
August 13, 2023 3:45 AM Subscribe
I am the honorary aunt to an excellent teenager who is being called to Torah for her Bat Mitzvah. For reasons, she is older than most girls would be for this event, and has become increasingly religious (more so than her parents).
I am thinking of buying a nice netilat yayadim cup from a specialty Judaica shop for her. Is this in any way a faux pas etc?
(My family are secular and wouldn't know the answer to this, I could ask her parents but thought I'd try here first in case it's a silly idea)
(My family are secular and wouldn't know the answer to this, I could ask her parents but thought I'd try here first in case it's a silly idea)
Shabbat candlesticks?
posted by snuffleupagus at 6:55 AM on August 13, 2023
posted by snuffleupagus at 6:55 AM on August 13, 2023
it's yada'im, not yayadim.
I think it's a beautiful gift. Other people will probably give her a kiddush cup and hanukiyot; the hand washing cup is much less common. Kids like cash when they're kids, but when she grows up she'll appreciate having her own ritual objects that she can use for her own traditions, and they will be of much greater sentimental value than the equivalent value of cash could ever have been.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:48 AM on August 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
I think it's a beautiful gift. Other people will probably give her a kiddush cup and hanukiyot; the hand washing cup is much less common. Kids like cash when they're kids, but when she grows up she'll appreciate having her own ritual objects that she can use for her own traditions, and they will be of much greater sentimental value than the equivalent value of cash could ever have been.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:48 AM on August 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
It really depends on her level and type of religiosity and her feelings about netilat yadayim. Another (likewise hand-related) option is to give her a yad, which she can use during the torah reading itself. (But you might want to ask her parents whether they know if anyone else is giving her one, since it's a classic bar/bat mitzvah gift.)
posted by trig at 9:02 AM on August 13, 2023
posted by trig at 9:02 AM on August 13, 2023
It's not at all silly to ask the parents. In fact, in my experience, the most meaningful gifts Bar/Bat Mitzvah gifts come from people who take the time to talk to a parent about what this specific child wants.
posted by yankeefog at 10:21 AM on August 13, 2023
posted by yankeefog at 10:21 AM on August 13, 2023
Orthodox here - not a faux pax, but it’s a little weird. Those are usually something you give as a housewarming / hostess / engagement gift, because it’s something that’s generally used by the whole family. Having said that, when you say she’s “become increasingly religious,” if you mean that she may be exploring becoming Orthodox (or religious Conservative / Reform where she’s washing before eating bread, which is rarer but not impossible), then getting her a beautiful (ideally non fragile) washing cup as an acknowledgment that you know this is something she’s taking on as part of her journey — could be really appreciated. It really comes down to whether she’ll use it (or even see the need for it) or not. As others mentioned, the best way to know that is to ask her parents. Or ask her directly - saying that you know she’s becoming more observant and that you’d like to buy her a gift that would help her celebrate that - might be a better route than surprising her.
If you’re looking for other suggestions, I agree that her own candlesticks would be closer to something she would use (or honestly, most kids do appreciate just getting the money). Some people give havdalah sets or honey dishes (if her bat mitzvah is around the time of the fall holidays) as a ritual gift - they’re something she’ll be unlikely to have yet and is more likely to be useful for all denominations. Another thought might be a pretty mezuzah case with a kosher parchment scroll inside for her bedroom door if she doesn’t have one already - the scrolls in particular can be pricey and hard to source at a young age.
posted by Mchelly at 11:03 AM on August 13, 2023
If you’re looking for other suggestions, I agree that her own candlesticks would be closer to something she would use (or honestly, most kids do appreciate just getting the money). Some people give havdalah sets or honey dishes (if her bat mitzvah is around the time of the fall holidays) as a ritual gift - they’re something she’ll be unlikely to have yet and is more likely to be useful for all denominations. Another thought might be a pretty mezuzah case with a kosher parchment scroll inside for her bedroom door if she doesn’t have one already - the scrolls in particular can be pricey and hard to source at a young age.
posted by Mchelly at 11:03 AM on August 13, 2023
No, it's not a faux pas. Unless she has become particularly observant, though, she will rarely use it, as others have noted. That said, lots of people have Judaica that they only seldom use. I mean, you use shofar only for the High Holidays, and a seder plate just for Pesach.
That said, I do lean toward money. I'm not sure if I got any Judaica at my bar mitzvah, and that's kind of my point—by the time I was ready to start my own household many years later, I couldn't tell you where any of my gifts had gone (except those checks, which went into my savings account). So for something to become a keepsake, you are really counting on diligent parents or an uncommonly attentive child.
You did mention your niece is older than average, but if she's still a teenager, she still likely has a ways to go before starting her own household, yah? Anyway, I wouldn't sweat it. If you want to get her a hand-washing cup, go for it. Nothing wrong with that whatsoever.
posted by Conrad Cornelius o'Donald o'Dell at 1:38 PM on August 13, 2023
That said, I do lean toward money. I'm not sure if I got any Judaica at my bar mitzvah, and that's kind of my point—by the time I was ready to start my own household many years later, I couldn't tell you where any of my gifts had gone (except those checks, which went into my savings account). So for something to become a keepsake, you are really counting on diligent parents or an uncommonly attentive child.
You did mention your niece is older than average, but if she's still a teenager, she still likely has a ways to go before starting her own household, yah? Anyway, I wouldn't sweat it. If you want to get her a hand-washing cup, go for it. Nothing wrong with that whatsoever.
posted by Conrad Cornelius o'Donald o'Dell at 1:38 PM on August 13, 2023
Response by poster: Thank you for the correction on the word! Oops!
For added detail, parents are of the progressive/liberal denomination. I noted that parents didn't have one of these cups for the handwashing at Pesach (we just used the taps). She has been expressing interest in keeping Kosher and generally being more observant (which parents are supportive of) so I thought this gift might tick a few boxes. Thank you all for the food for thought!
(I will also be giving her money)
posted by Chrysalis at 3:42 AM on August 14, 2023
For added detail, parents are of the progressive/liberal denomination. I noted that parents didn't have one of these cups for the handwashing at Pesach (we just used the taps). She has been expressing interest in keeping Kosher and generally being more observant (which parents are supportive of) so I thought this gift might tick a few boxes. Thank you all for the food for thought!
(I will also be giving her money)
posted by Chrysalis at 3:42 AM on August 14, 2023
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You know her best, though. Money in multiples of 18 is very traditional for b’nai mitzvah, and she might appreciate it more because she is somewhat older and striving for independence. If she is someone who loves the physical rituals of her religion though, a nice piece of sturdy and beautiful judaica she can use every day and bring to any new homes sounds great. I was gifted some more delicate glass things for my bat mitzvah at 13 and I only got them from my parents’ home when I was around 30 because until then I didn’t really have room to display or enjoy them in a non-risky way. Of course I also didn’t appreciate them at 13, or at 18 when I moved out. Your niece sounds very different. Mazel tov to her!
posted by Mizu at 6:00 AM on August 13, 2023 [9 favorites]