Bonding with a new dog
August 12, 2023 7:52 AM Subscribe
Adopted a former stray who seems indifferent to me. Feeling discouraged.
A month ago I took home the sweetest mutt who was a former stray. I knew she was shy, but I don’t think I was prepared for how slow to warm up she would be.
She is 3 and has lived in a forest until a year ago when she got rescued for an eye infection. She is now missing one eye but is in the pink of health, so none of the issues are health-related.
Since she’s joined my little family, I’ve seen solid improvements in things like walking on a lead and taking treats out of my hands. She used to scramble on the lead and literally make herself choke by pulling so hard, but now she walks with no tension on the lead and will follow me/make quick turns with me when I say “with me” or “let’s go”. Sometimes if I leave the room she’s in she’ll come looking for me, but then run back to her bed (with tail up) when I notice her. We go on sniffaris that make me so happy because she’s prancing around with her cute little tail high in the air. She’s always so zonked out after, it makes my heart melt.
BUT. Any attempts to bond with her emotionally have been fruitless. She either turns her head away or walks away from me when I try to engage in a training session. I’m using extremely high value treats that she will happily eat off the floor, but not if I ask her to sit, which she knows, first. She also doesn’t like being pet but will begrudgingly let me stroke her, but I can tell she’s not a huge fan because she lowers her head or turns away from me when I do that. So now I try not to pet her anymore because I don’t want to stress her out. She also doesn’t play, and is afraid of every single toy I’ve given to her, including the ones without a squeaker.
I’m just feeling frustrated at the apparent lack of progress in emotional closeness between us. I love her so much, she’s the cutest, sweetest little dog who has been through so much and I want her to love me back so badly!
Assume I know the 333 rule and am looking for a R+ trainer to help guide us. I just want any bit of advice about bonding with a super shy dog who doesn’t seem to want to do anything with you. My old dog who died a few months ago - we had that instant spark. He was my little old man from the minute we met, so this new dog not taking to me situation is kind of making me a bit weepy.
I’ll also take any anecdotes that might help me put all this in perspective/help assuage some of my anxieties about never being able to form a connection with this dog.
A month ago I took home the sweetest mutt who was a former stray. I knew she was shy, but I don’t think I was prepared for how slow to warm up she would be.
She is 3 and has lived in a forest until a year ago when she got rescued for an eye infection. She is now missing one eye but is in the pink of health, so none of the issues are health-related.
Since she’s joined my little family, I’ve seen solid improvements in things like walking on a lead and taking treats out of my hands. She used to scramble on the lead and literally make herself choke by pulling so hard, but now she walks with no tension on the lead and will follow me/make quick turns with me when I say “with me” or “let’s go”. Sometimes if I leave the room she’s in she’ll come looking for me, but then run back to her bed (with tail up) when I notice her. We go on sniffaris that make me so happy because she’s prancing around with her cute little tail high in the air. She’s always so zonked out after, it makes my heart melt.
BUT. Any attempts to bond with her emotionally have been fruitless. She either turns her head away or walks away from me when I try to engage in a training session. I’m using extremely high value treats that she will happily eat off the floor, but not if I ask her to sit, which she knows, first. She also doesn’t like being pet but will begrudgingly let me stroke her, but I can tell she’s not a huge fan because she lowers her head or turns away from me when I do that. So now I try not to pet her anymore because I don’t want to stress her out. She also doesn’t play, and is afraid of every single toy I’ve given to her, including the ones without a squeaker.
I’m just feeling frustrated at the apparent lack of progress in emotional closeness between us. I love her so much, she’s the cutest, sweetest little dog who has been through so much and I want her to love me back so badly!
Assume I know the 333 rule and am looking for a R+ trainer to help guide us. I just want any bit of advice about bonding with a super shy dog who doesn’t seem to want to do anything with you. My old dog who died a few months ago - we had that instant spark. He was my little old man from the minute we met, so this new dog not taking to me situation is kind of making me a bit weepy.
I’ll also take any anecdotes that might help me put all this in perspective/help assuage some of my anxieties about never being able to form a connection with this dog.
I’ll also take any anecdotes that might help me put all this in perspective/help assuage some of my anxieties about never being able to form a connection with this dog.
You seem to be processing this dog’s behavior as “she’s shy and aloof” rather than “she’s been thrown into an utterly alien situation that she has no understanding of or context for.” She was feral! The fact that she’s become tolerant of leashes and will run to come look for you after a month is huge, if you consider that she maybe never lived in a house or saw a leash or befriended a human in her life before this. Give it more than a month before you decide this is a personal reflection on you.
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:03 AM on August 12, 2023 [30 favorites]
You seem to be processing this dog’s behavior as “she’s shy and aloof” rather than “she’s been thrown into an utterly alien situation that she has no understanding of or context for.” She was feral! The fact that she’s become tolerant of leashes and will run to come look for you after a month is huge, if you consider that she maybe never lived in a house or saw a leash or befriended a human in her life before this. Give it more than a month before you decide this is a personal reflection on you.
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:03 AM on August 12, 2023 [30 favorites]
It's been just one month since her life turned upside down! My own experience with rescue dogs who didn't grow up in a home environment as a pet is that it may take 6 months for them to start coming out of their shell. They have to learn what it means to be a pet first. It was a real eye opening experience, I never considered before how much behavior we consider to be "dog behavior" is learned when they are pups growing up as a pet.
Our sweet greyhound Buffy spent all day pacing around our house and all night sleeping at the end of the hallway so she couldn't see us, for I swear 3 straight months. So compared to that, it sounds like your pup *has* made great progress!
Consistency and patience will go a long way. Traditional obedience training IMO may not be feasible for a long time. They need to have their heads in the "game" and trust you, it's totally natural that she doesn't trust you yet. She will with consistency and patience!
posted by muddgirl at 8:07 AM on August 12, 2023 [7 favorites]
Our sweet greyhound Buffy spent all day pacing around our house and all night sleeping at the end of the hallway so she couldn't see us, for I swear 3 straight months. So compared to that, it sounds like your pup *has* made great progress!
Consistency and patience will go a long way. Traditional obedience training IMO may not be feasible for a long time. They need to have their heads in the "game" and trust you, it's totally natural that she doesn't trust you yet. She will with consistency and patience!
posted by muddgirl at 8:07 AM on August 12, 2023 [7 favorites]
My (eventually super affectionate) dog took a couple weeks so a month doesn't seem that long. But you should also be prepared for it to never happen, at least not in the way that you are thinking, or the way you are used to from your previous dog.
Try to resist putting your expectations for affection on her (no good can come of that). Try to see if you can love her truly unconditionally.
With time she might become affectionate and express that in her own way. And you may find that deeply enriching. Or you may even find it enriching to love someone without expectations. In a sense the happiness you seek is already in your heart, waiting to be recognized.
posted by splitpeasoup at 8:09 AM on August 12, 2023 [11 favorites]
Try to resist putting your expectations for affection on her (no good can come of that). Try to see if you can love her truly unconditionally.
With time she might become affectionate and express that in her own way. And you may find that deeply enriching. Or you may even find it enriching to love someone without expectations. In a sense the happiness you seek is already in your heart, waiting to be recognized.
posted by splitpeasoup at 8:09 AM on August 12, 2023 [11 favorites]
I’ll also take any anecdotes that might help me put all this in perspective/help assuage some of my anxieties about never being able to form a connection with this dog.
Our dog had been abandoned and living feral for an unknown amount of time until he ended up at a shelter, and then with us. We've had him for some years now, and in that time he has gone from scared and traumatized to loving and confident, but it has taken a lot of time and he still sometimes shows the effects of the earlier trauma (both the trauma of being abandoned and living rough, and from having been treated poorly before being abandoned).
My advice is to think of this as a long term process, a marathon not a sprint. You've made amazing progress in just a month, and that will almost certainly continue, sometimes faster, sometimes slower, for months and probably years to come. It's way too early to give up now.
posted by Dip Flash at 9:37 AM on August 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
Our dog had been abandoned and living feral for an unknown amount of time until he ended up at a shelter, and then with us. We've had him for some years now, and in that time he has gone from scared and traumatized to loving and confident, but it has taken a lot of time and he still sometimes shows the effects of the earlier trauma (both the trauma of being abandoned and living rough, and from having been treated poorly before being abandoned).
My advice is to think of this as a long term process, a marathon not a sprint. You've made amazing progress in just a month, and that will almost certainly continue, sometimes faster, sometimes slower, for months and probably years to come. It's way too early to give up now.
posted by Dip Flash at 9:37 AM on August 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
My rescue dog is a lot like this. Sometimes I call him my Romanian orphanage puppy. Honestly, it's all too complex for me to unpack properly in a post here at this time. I just want to say: (a) it's early days yet, and the fact that she comes looking for you at all is a good sign; (b) it's okay to feel sad and frustrated about the situation--you got this dog in part to have someone to love and to love you back! it feels like rejection for your own dog not to be affectionate!; but (c) try not to get caught in a narrative of how this dog "just is." Since dogs can't tell us in words how they feel, a lot of what we think we know (especially us laypeople) is heavily reliant on the interpretive framework we bring to them. If you start to feel hopeless, you may miss subtle signs of change. One of my close friends thinks I significantly understate how much more and how much more happily he interacts with me (and other people) than he used to. I'm not sure about that, but I can definitely see the broader point.
Training can help. In the meantime, please try to be kind and patient with your brave, brave little girl struggling to make sense of this strange world. It's not personal. And you are doing a good thing regardless.
posted by praemunire at 9:48 AM on August 12, 2023 [7 favorites]
Training can help. In the meantime, please try to be kind and patient with your brave, brave little girl struggling to make sense of this strange world. It's not personal. And you are doing a good thing regardless.
posted by praemunire at 9:48 AM on August 12, 2023 [7 favorites]
I posted a while back about the very, very angry cat we adopted, and just the other day I turned to Mr. Blah and said "Wow, I can't believe how much Cat has changed in a year!" So I'd echo that you're on a good path so far, and you should probably be super patient and plan for it to take quite a bit longer.
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:51 AM on August 12, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:51 AM on August 12, 2023 [5 favorites]
We have a non-traumatized dog we got two years ago to the week. She had just started “asking” for affection from me (she’s more into my wife generally) but it just sorta happened this summer. She’s not a super affectionate dog to begin with, but she has her ways. So yeah, I’d say a month is still in the realm of “this is so new.” I wouldn’t worry about it.
You’re good. Dogs are weird. 13/10 I’m sure.
posted by furnace.heart at 9:56 AM on August 12, 2023 [5 favorites]
You’re good. Dogs are weird. 13/10 I’m sure.
posted by furnace.heart at 9:56 AM on August 12, 2023 [5 favorites]
My dog is 12 now but was feral for the first 2 years of her life. A month absolutely is not a valid amount of time to gauge what you're looking for. I don't think 3 or even 6 months is.
Since my dog was raised by other dogs in the wild, she was very well behaved when she came into my life. Didn't jump on furniture, didn't counter surf, rarely made any noise.
For reference, my previous dog came to me at 8 weeks old and was a terror. I clicker trained him so well I ran out of tricks. He could even turn the lights on and off and bring me stuff from the kitchen. But with my current dog, I taught her to sit on command and down and roll over and then I stopped caring about what she could do because I realized none of that is important if the dog is well-behaved.
Most dog training that is not for the dog's safety (stay, come, down, sit) is essentially for the owner's ego. My advice is if the dog is well-behaved to not bother beyond the basics.
The way I got my dog to "be affectionate to me" was to ignore her until she didn't want to be ignored. However, I did so while making it easy for her to want to be with me. For instance, when home alone, I'd sit on the floor with my back against the couch instead of sitting on the couch. Or talking to myself while I was cooking or eating, "Oh, this chicken is delicious. Can you believe this?!" And remember: nothing draws a dog like laughter. Except maybe dancing.
In short: give her time and get on her schedule instead of expecting her to get on yours.
posted by dobbs at 10:41 AM on August 12, 2023 [11 favorites]
Since my dog was raised by other dogs in the wild, she was very well behaved when she came into my life. Didn't jump on furniture, didn't counter surf, rarely made any noise.
For reference, my previous dog came to me at 8 weeks old and was a terror. I clicker trained him so well I ran out of tricks. He could even turn the lights on and off and bring me stuff from the kitchen. But with my current dog, I taught her to sit on command and down and roll over and then I stopped caring about what she could do because I realized none of that is important if the dog is well-behaved.
Most dog training that is not for the dog's safety (stay, come, down, sit) is essentially for the owner's ego. My advice is if the dog is well-behaved to not bother beyond the basics.
The way I got my dog to "be affectionate to me" was to ignore her until she didn't want to be ignored. However, I did so while making it easy for her to want to be with me. For instance, when home alone, I'd sit on the floor with my back against the couch instead of sitting on the couch. Or talking to myself while I was cooking or eating, "Oh, this chicken is delicious. Can you believe this?!" And remember: nothing draws a dog like laughter. Except maybe dancing.
In short: give her time and get on her schedule instead of expecting her to get on yours.
posted by dobbs at 10:41 AM on August 12, 2023 [11 favorites]
I’m sorry, that sounds hard, especially the memories of your old dog. <3
It’s not identical, but when I adopted a cat who’d been abandoned by his previous people, I really wanted him to cuddle with me like my old cats. After ten months with him I put it on my “New Year’s resolution” list that the cat would sit on my lap at least once — but I also kept in mind that maybe it would never happen.
Anyway, time moved on at cat-speed and now I can’t get the dude off my lap. Like, if I’m sitting in his presence he’s usually sleeping on me. But that started to happen at 1.5 years and is still unfolding.
I hope your experience is still unfolding too.
posted by hungrytiger at 10:59 AM on August 12, 2023 [7 favorites]
It’s not identical, but when I adopted a cat who’d been abandoned by his previous people, I really wanted him to cuddle with me like my old cats. After ten months with him I put it on my “New Year’s resolution” list that the cat would sit on my lap at least once — but I also kept in mind that maybe it would never happen.
Anyway, time moved on at cat-speed and now I can’t get the dude off my lap. Like, if I’m sitting in his presence he’s usually sleeping on me. But that started to happen at 1.5 years and is still unfolding.
I hope your experience is still unfolding too.
posted by hungrytiger at 10:59 AM on August 12, 2023 [7 favorites]
A month isn't very long at all - I had an older rescue who almost certainly had lived with humans before, and it took her 3-6 months before she really settled into her life with us and became the waggy, cuddly girl that she was for the rest of our time with us. After the first 4-6 weeks when she was less clearly fearful, we tried to feed her most of her meals by training "come" to me and my partner or throwing her kibble to chase, and that seemed to help with some of the emotional closeness.
I never convinced her that toys were worthwhile but since she clearly enjoyed snifaroos, rolling in stinky things in the park, cuddling with humans, and occasionally got zoomies, I just accepted that it was part of her personality that she didn't do toys and loved her for what she was. She was also always a kind of difficult dog to train - she would get so fixated on treats that she would get confused about commands - so we taught her the minimum and accepted that she would always be an on-leash dog.
posted by A Blue Moon at 12:50 PM on August 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
I never convinced her that toys were worthwhile but since she clearly enjoyed snifaroos, rolling in stinky things in the park, cuddling with humans, and occasionally got zoomies, I just accepted that it was part of her personality that she didn't do toys and loved her for what she was. She was also always a kind of difficult dog to train - she would get so fixated on treats that she would get confused about commands - so we taught her the minimum and accepted that she would always be an on-leash dog.
posted by A Blue Moon at 12:50 PM on August 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
We adopted a previously feral dog a few years ago. We saw huge progress at one month, three months, six months, one year, etc. I’d say after a full year he seemed to settle into his long term personality and relationship with us. I think you are making great progress and there’s a good chance that things will continue to improve. By one year, our wonderful dog was almost unrecognizable from the extremely fearful and meek dog we adopted.
posted by notheotherone at 12:56 PM on August 12, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by notheotherone at 12:56 PM on August 12, 2023 [2 favorites]
My dog came from a not great situation, and when he arrived in a house of people who wanted to love him and get love back, he was petrified and bewildered. Sit on the couch WITH YOU?!??! No. Heckin. Way. Like you, we made more progress with activity oriented training and gave lots of treats and built a relationship that way first. Over a few months, he got more comfortable and started expressing obvious enthusiasm instead of grudging acceptance. Now, 2 years later, he's the sweetest boy and loves to give and receive affection with great joy. If my partner or I leave and come back, the happiness he exudes is legit heart exploding, and he'll even hop up on the bed for snuggles sometimes. It just took time and showing him that we were trustworthy and awesome, and he eventually came around in a big way. That said, he still prefers to sleep on the floor and out of reach, even when I'm begging him to be a little spoon! Some dogs just prefer a little more personal space, I think. Your sweet girl is going to keep growing and bonding with you; keep doing what you're doing!
posted by luzdeluna at 5:25 PM on August 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by luzdeluna at 5:25 PM on August 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
Here's a Twitter thread from Gail Simone about her beloved greyhound Vixen, who seems to have started off much like you describe your dog.
posted by Pallas Athena at 6:06 PM on August 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Pallas Athena at 6:06 PM on August 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
I’m kind of going through the opposite. My first dog as an adult was a rescue and it was probably 3 months before he could even calm down around us I have a puppy and it is really different.
Echoing…hang in there. My rescue became such a bonded dog. Whenever I was sick or having a tough time he would come lie with me or put his head on me. It took time, and since he was a working breed, shared jobs (obedience training etc.)
I would suggest don’t stop touching your dog, just do it in small doses. But see what your trainer says too.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:10 PM on August 12, 2023 [2 favorites]
Echoing…hang in there. My rescue became such a bonded dog. Whenever I was sick or having a tough time he would come lie with me or put his head on me. It took time, and since he was a working breed, shared jobs (obedience training etc.)
I would suggest don’t stop touching your dog, just do it in small doses. But see what your trainer says too.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:10 PM on August 12, 2023 [2 favorites]
I adopted a dog 4ish years ago and he was completely indifferent to me. I didn't really like him that much either and thought I'd made a terrible mistake. A few months after we got him, things slowly began to change. Four years later, he is my little guardian. He follows me around everywhere. He's my angel and I love him more than anything. It felt like falling in love, really slowly. You have to get to know each other. For example, we used to call him 'floor doggie' because he'd been kind of neglected before and showed no interest in being with us on the couch or whatever. He didn't make eye contact. Now, he gazes into my face for a few hours every night while we snuggle on the couch. He didn't use to make any noise, now he talks to us all the time. He knows how to ask for pats and roll on his back for belly rubs. He learnt all of that over time.
Honestly, I would just give it time.
posted by thereader at 10:51 PM on August 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
Honestly, I would just give it time.
posted by thereader at 10:51 PM on August 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
We have a rescue dog in the family. She was feral for a while and may have also been mistreated previously.
She was very uncomfortable with any visitors to the house. The first time I was staying at the house after she was adopted she was extremely scared of me, as that was extreme even for her we think I reminded her of somebody harmful.
By my next visit a few months later she was quite comfortable with me and anybody else who was invited in by her owners. She’d learned they only allowed safe people in. She also remembered me and welcomed me like an old friend when I arrived. She turned out to be an extremely affectionate dog.
But it was literally years before she learned to play with toys and people.
Your dog is already showing affection if it follows you. It’s just not the way you are used to. Just give it a lot more time.
posted by koahiatamadl at 1:00 AM on August 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
She was very uncomfortable with any visitors to the house. The first time I was staying at the house after she was adopted she was extremely scared of me, as that was extreme even for her we think I reminded her of somebody harmful.
By my next visit a few months later she was quite comfortable with me and anybody else who was invited in by her owners. She’d learned they only allowed safe people in. She also remembered me and welcomed me like an old friend when I arrived. She turned out to be an extremely affectionate dog.
But it was literally years before she learned to play with toys and people.
Your dog is already showing affection if it follows you. It’s just not the way you are used to. Just give it a lot more time.
posted by koahiatamadl at 1:00 AM on August 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
I've always had greyhounds, mentioned a few times in this thread because often they've never lived in a house before so there's a lot of adjustment. One of my current dogs, Frank, didn't race much but bounced around the country from track to track to adoption group to adoption group. Then he got adopted by a family that thought all greyhounds were the same as their previous one, and Frank wasn't. He didn't appreciate their little girls crawling all over him (they put his bed in front of the girls' closet.........) and growled a couple times, so they returned him.
When we first brought him home he clearly liked getting scritches and was generally well-behaved as most greyhounds are, but it didn't feel like he liked US. We thought maybe he was just one of those more aloof greyhounds. Which was fine, we could give him a good home and however much space he needed with no little kids bothering him.
It took him probably 4-6 months to make eye contact with us. But slowly he became more and more bonded to us, and now he's almost TOO bonded to me. Last year we went out of town and he was fine with the pet sitter, but when my partner returned home without me while I went to visit family, Frank got fully and completely depressed. He would just hide upstairs in the dark bedroom all day and all night, clearly bereft that (he thought) I wasn't ever coming home. Then I had to leave again for a work trip 5 days after returning home and he had stress poops in the house while I was gone.
All this to say/agree with everyone else that it's still really early and dogs who are making a big adjustment will take some time. Their brains are processing so much, and can only handle so much at once. Your dog clearly trusts that you won't hurt him and will take care of him, and that's about all he can give you right now while his brain works through all the other changes he's experiencing. He'll get there, I bet. A consistent routine helps a lot, in my experience.
posted by misskaz at 6:46 AM on August 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
When we first brought him home he clearly liked getting scritches and was generally well-behaved as most greyhounds are, but it didn't feel like he liked US. We thought maybe he was just one of those more aloof greyhounds. Which was fine, we could give him a good home and however much space he needed with no little kids bothering him.
It took him probably 4-6 months to make eye contact with us. But slowly he became more and more bonded to us, and now he's almost TOO bonded to me. Last year we went out of town and he was fine with the pet sitter, but when my partner returned home without me while I went to visit family, Frank got fully and completely depressed. He would just hide upstairs in the dark bedroom all day and all night, clearly bereft that (he thought) I wasn't ever coming home. Then I had to leave again for a work trip 5 days after returning home and he had stress poops in the house while I was gone.
All this to say/agree with everyone else that it's still really early and dogs who are making a big adjustment will take some time. Their brains are processing so much, and can only handle so much at once. Your dog clearly trusts that you won't hurt him and will take care of him, and that's about all he can give you right now while his brain works through all the other changes he's experiencing. He'll get there, I bet. A consistent routine helps a lot, in my experience.
posted by misskaz at 6:46 AM on August 13, 2023 [2 favorites]
She's lived wild and being rescued was probably a mix of relief and terror. Thank you for giving her a home.
My dog's previous owner planned to breed her, kept her in a pen outside all day, crated inside at night. She got some random love and affection. It took months for her to settle at all, she made steady progress but around 7 months, she clearly turned a corner and started to trust me. She's now a very affectionate snuggler, who asks for and return lots of affection.
She was food-insecure and ate paper, cardboard, random stuff, including rocks, which she horked up delightfully. I free feed dry food, which slowly resolved that issue. I was occasionally kind of assertive with affection and especially play. Watch videos, learn the dog play posture, toss a tennis ball. Agree with sitting on the floor so she can come over for a scritch. Talk to her a lot. My dog had to be crated when home alone, so I brought her with me most of the time, and it helped her get more confident and socialized.
I've had several dogs, they're all very different. A really long adjustment period isn't typical, but it's not that unusual. Dogs have evolved to live with us, and I'm confident she'll come around; she knows you love her.
posted by theora55 at 8:13 AM on August 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
My dog's previous owner planned to breed her, kept her in a pen outside all day, crated inside at night. She got some random love and affection. It took months for her to settle at all, she made steady progress but around 7 months, she clearly turned a corner and started to trust me. She's now a very affectionate snuggler, who asks for and return lots of affection.
She was food-insecure and ate paper, cardboard, random stuff, including rocks, which she horked up delightfully. I free feed dry food, which slowly resolved that issue. I was occasionally kind of assertive with affection and especially play. Watch videos, learn the dog play posture, toss a tennis ball. Agree with sitting on the floor so she can come over for a scritch. Talk to her a lot. My dog had to be crated when home alone, so I brought her with me most of the time, and it helped her get more confident and socialized.
I've had several dogs, they're all very different. A really long adjustment period isn't typical, but it's not that unusual. Dogs have evolved to live with us, and I'm confident she'll come around; she knows you love her.
posted by theora55 at 8:13 AM on August 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
My girl rescue mutt doesn't play with regular dog toys, ever. But she’s great at solving puzzle toys, which is fun. The wobble toys that dispense treats get her the most active. She took a while to bond with my husband (was kind of scared of him, avoided being near him), but now he is her favorite person in the entire world. Like, I don’t know how to describe the ferocity of her love for him.
Your dog is probably still recovering from the shock/trauma of her previous life. Still coming out of the shutdown state she was in. You’ll see her personality come out more and more over time. I bet she’ll give some hints about ways to bond. Good luck!
posted by theotherdurassister at 8:54 AM on August 13, 2023
Your dog is probably still recovering from the shock/trauma of her previous life. Still coming out of the shutdown state she was in. You’ll see her personality come out more and more over time. I bet she’ll give some hints about ways to bond. Good luck!
posted by theotherdurassister at 8:54 AM on August 13, 2023
When I first got this dog, she was so problematic and it made me really miss my previous dog, who was easy and had common sense and was just a great dog/ companion. It's okay, it goes away. I still miss previous dog, but current dog is firmly ensconced in my home, life heart.
posted by theora55 at 3:29 PM on August 13, 2023
posted by theora55 at 3:29 PM on August 13, 2023
I'm glad you stopped trying to pet her, sounds like it was just too much. Imagine being afraid and uncertain of your place in a huge world filled with new things that you don't understand. On top of that, you have a big being that controls your food and ability to go out and demands tricks and behaviors you don't grasp the purpose of. On top of that, this big being is constantly demanding to touch you and insisting on eye contact.
The fact that she comes looking for you and loves to go on sniffies is wonderful, what progress!
If she were my dog, I would continue to do sniffies, just walk with her casually, not doing anything--no quick turns or stops, just gently letting her be with you. I'll bet even though she's behaving almost perfectly on the leash, it's still a source of stress at this point. I would call her name, wait a second, and drop her treat on the floor. Do this for a couple days, so she knows her name means good things happen. Then start to offer it by hand. If she doesn't respond, don't give it to her. Alternate dropping and offering, until she realizes that she gets the treat faster if she will politely take it out of your hand.
As far as the pets and skritches, I would be either sitting on the couch near her, or if she won't get on the couch, I'd sit on the floor next to her and read or watch tv. Just be with her, so she can relax and feel safe with you. In a couple days try skritching her with just one finger gently. Stop if she pulls back. Try again another day. Work up to a few strokes of the hand. Give her two weeks. The best sign is a dog that's stretched out flat snoozing next to you with her tongue hanging out. I'll bet her head will be in your lap soon after that.
Please don't compare her to your other good boi. This is a little girl whose heart is fragile and hidden deep. It's going to take time. I hope you're prepared, because when she does finally open up and give you her heart, it will be all of her.
posted by BlueHorse at 6:30 PM on August 13, 2023
The fact that she comes looking for you and loves to go on sniffies is wonderful, what progress!
If she were my dog, I would continue to do sniffies, just walk with her casually, not doing anything--no quick turns or stops, just gently letting her be with you. I'll bet even though she's behaving almost perfectly on the leash, it's still a source of stress at this point. I would call her name, wait a second, and drop her treat on the floor. Do this for a couple days, so she knows her name means good things happen. Then start to offer it by hand. If she doesn't respond, don't give it to her. Alternate dropping and offering, until she realizes that she gets the treat faster if she will politely take it out of your hand.
As far as the pets and skritches, I would be either sitting on the couch near her, or if she won't get on the couch, I'd sit on the floor next to her and read or watch tv. Just be with her, so she can relax and feel safe with you. In a couple days try skritching her with just one finger gently. Stop if she pulls back. Try again another day. Work up to a few strokes of the hand. Give her two weeks. The best sign is a dog that's stretched out flat snoozing next to you with her tongue hanging out. I'll bet her head will be in your lap soon after that.
Please don't compare her to your other good boi. This is a little girl whose heart is fragile and hidden deep. It's going to take time. I hope you're prepared, because when she does finally open up and give you her heart, it will be all of her.
posted by BlueHorse at 6:30 PM on August 13, 2023
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Comparing her to your last dog is only going to frustrate both of you. If she feels any pressure, she’ll retreat even further. I know it’s difficult, because I also like dogs who are super obviously affectionate. It takes longer to learn to read aloof ones, but you’ll learn what her signs of affection are, and you’ll miss them when you have your next dog.
posted by wheatlets at 8:02 AM on August 12, 2023 [11 favorites]