Help me set up my minority kid for a happy preschool year
August 7, 2023 3:49 PM Subscribe
My four year old daughter didn’t have a good experience of her first year of preschool. She’s a bit quirky and may have high functioning ASD. She’s also the only non white kid in the class. We are moving to a new school this September and I want to set her up for success. Snowflakes inside.
Our past year was not awful but not ideal. She didn’t seem to be making friends or engaging with other kids. We initiated play dates frequently but they rarely worked out because kids kept getting sick.
At least, that’s what the parents told us. Recently, we finally set up a play date with a classmate she frequently talks about. In passing, the mother mentioned that her kid didn’t want anything to do with my daughter and that’s why they declined earlier invitations. She also let it slip that she was the only one in the class not invited to her kid’s birthday. I learned they’ve been having frequent play dates with another kid who also keeps backing out on us citing illness.
This information combined with the fact that almost none of her classmates attended her birthday or have tried to make play dates work has me 90% convinced that she got the reputation of being an oddball.
She really isn’t. She has some signs of ASD but not enough to get a positive diagnosis over a year ago. Her main difficulties are holding a natural sounding conversation with people outside of her family, playing interactively with girls — she does ok with boys — and handling transitions. She is not, according to her teachers, violent or disruptive. She is in fact affectionate and upbeat, giving her teachers hugs and cuddles, and smiling a lot. She just seems a bit out of step with other kids. It might be ASD anyway, but also, she was home with a nanny until last year, as an only child, isolated during the pandemic, so she didn’t have a lot of social skill learning before school. We are geeky scientists who exposed her to things like reading and geography rather than princesses, which seem to be the standard four year old girl obsession — not that there’s anything wrong with it and we haven’t discouraged her from any interest.
We are of Indian descent while the other kids and teachers are white. We live in a very liberal area of the US so it shouldn’t matter, right? But who knows.
We are changing schools starting this September and we are also getting on waitlists for a re-evaluation for ASD. What I want to do in the meantime is set her up so she has a chance of social success. The new school is also not racially diverse at all, but the teachers seem more experienced. My question is: is there a playbook for this? What steps can I take to help her integrate socially?
Our past year was not awful but not ideal. She didn’t seem to be making friends or engaging with other kids. We initiated play dates frequently but they rarely worked out because kids kept getting sick.
At least, that’s what the parents told us. Recently, we finally set up a play date with a classmate she frequently talks about. In passing, the mother mentioned that her kid didn’t want anything to do with my daughter and that’s why they declined earlier invitations. She also let it slip that she was the only one in the class not invited to her kid’s birthday. I learned they’ve been having frequent play dates with another kid who also keeps backing out on us citing illness.
This information combined with the fact that almost none of her classmates attended her birthday or have tried to make play dates work has me 90% convinced that she got the reputation of being an oddball.
She really isn’t. She has some signs of ASD but not enough to get a positive diagnosis over a year ago. Her main difficulties are holding a natural sounding conversation with people outside of her family, playing interactively with girls — she does ok with boys — and handling transitions. She is not, according to her teachers, violent or disruptive. She is in fact affectionate and upbeat, giving her teachers hugs and cuddles, and smiling a lot. She just seems a bit out of step with other kids. It might be ASD anyway, but also, she was home with a nanny until last year, as an only child, isolated during the pandemic, so she didn’t have a lot of social skill learning before school. We are geeky scientists who exposed her to things like reading and geography rather than princesses, which seem to be the standard four year old girl obsession — not that there’s anything wrong with it and we haven’t discouraged her from any interest.
We are of Indian descent while the other kids and teachers are white. We live in a very liberal area of the US so it shouldn’t matter, right? But who knows.
We are changing schools starting this September and we are also getting on waitlists for a re-evaluation for ASD. What I want to do in the meantime is set her up so she has a chance of social success. The new school is also not racially diverse at all, but the teachers seem more experienced. My question is: is there a playbook for this? What steps can I take to help her integrate socially?
I am not equipped to address the ethnic angle but I can address the autism angle. :) I'm an autistic woman and geeky scientist. I had no real friends outside of my family until I was 12 or so, when I met another kid my age who is probably also autistic (she is definitely some flavour of neurodivergent and now has an autistic son, which supports the hypothesis because autism is genetic).
Autistic people don't do friendship in the "standard" way. We are oddballs! There is nothing wrong with being an oddball, nor with doing friendship in a nonstandard way. We do not need to be integrated socially; what we need is to be given opportunities to interact with people in our own way and not be bullied for it. Pushing your kid to achieve a neurotypical version of "social success" with kids who are rejecting her based on thin-slice judgements is just setting her up to be bullied.
Do you have geeky scientist friends whom you relate to well who also have children? Can you approach them about setting up play-dates with your daughter? Autistic kids are noted for forming relationships with people of different ages more readily than non-autistic kids, so it doesn't really matter if your friends' kids are not exactly your daughter's age. Another thing to consider is that, as an autistic person I find that I do much better in one-on-one conversations or very small groups than in larger groups: quality is more important than quantity.
When you set up a re-evaluation, ensure that the assessor is familiar with the internalizing ("female") presentation of autism and the resulting diagnostic bias against girls (there is also a racial bias against non-white children, though it is less pronounced).
posted by heatherlogan at 4:51 PM on August 7, 2023 [20 favorites]
Autistic people don't do friendship in the "standard" way. We are oddballs! There is nothing wrong with being an oddball, nor with doing friendship in a nonstandard way. We do not need to be integrated socially; what we need is to be given opportunities to interact with people in our own way and not be bullied for it. Pushing your kid to achieve a neurotypical version of "social success" with kids who are rejecting her based on thin-slice judgements is just setting her up to be bullied.
Do you have geeky scientist friends whom you relate to well who also have children? Can you approach them about setting up play-dates with your daughter? Autistic kids are noted for forming relationships with people of different ages more readily than non-autistic kids, so it doesn't really matter if your friends' kids are not exactly your daughter's age. Another thing to consider is that, as an autistic person I find that I do much better in one-on-one conversations or very small groups than in larger groups: quality is more important than quantity.
When you set up a re-evaluation, ensure that the assessor is familiar with the internalizing ("female") presentation of autism and the resulting diagnostic bias against girls (there is also a racial bias against non-white children, though it is less pronounced).
posted by heatherlogan at 4:51 PM on August 7, 2023 [20 favorites]
See if any private providers are running social skills classes in your area for kids her age (you can just do a Google search on “social skills name of area”). They should be fun, play-based, age-appropriate activities that focus on teaching discrete skills like turn-taking. Memail me if you are in the Los Angeles area and I can give you some leads.
posted by corey flood at 4:52 PM on August 7, 2023
posted by corey flood at 4:52 PM on August 7, 2023
I'm the mother of grown kids who have provided me with six grandchildren including a 4.5 year old girl who just finished her first year of pre-school and is starting kindergarten in September. She didn't make any close friends there and didn't seem to feel the lack of them. Your daughter may not either. I would urge you, but gently, to consider how your childhood environment may affect your expectations for your daughter's social life. If you grew up with siblings close in age and with cousins nearby your experience was clearly different. My little granddaughter has an older sibling and a younger sibling as well as older cousins who live nearby.
Two of my three kids didn't make friends easily when they were really young but eventually they did and some of the friends they made in elementary school are still their friends. One thing that contributed to that was the fact that they didn't change schools, so they got to know other kids over a period of years. If it's possible for your child to stay in the new school for several years try to do that.
And as others mentioned above instead of thinking about playdates for your kid cultivate your friendships with other parents. Close friends and their children can become your extended family of choice and the children will become like cousins to each other.
posted by mareli at 5:27 PM on August 7, 2023 [2 favorites]
Two of my three kids didn't make friends easily when they were really young but eventually they did and some of the friends they made in elementary school are still their friends. One thing that contributed to that was the fact that they didn't change schools, so they got to know other kids over a period of years. If it's possible for your child to stay in the new school for several years try to do that.
And as others mentioned above instead of thinking about playdates for your kid cultivate your friendships with other parents. Close friends and their children can become your extended family of choice and the children will become like cousins to each other.
posted by mareli at 5:27 PM on August 7, 2023 [2 favorites]
White mom of an ASD girl here who lives in an extremely liberal area. My attended 2 different preschools pre-diagnosis, and I have to agree with kevinbelt above that at that age, unless your kid is really off-the-charts scaring the other kids with violence or something, playdates are pretty much entirely dependent on the parents’ relationship with each other. My daughter’s first preschool really felt like a school community, but it was a private half-day program where even though there was ethnic diversity, there was not economic diversity. Parents, even working moms and dads, had the time to grab coffee with the other parents while the kids were at school. For pre-k I moved her to a public program in our new school district, and the vibe was altogether different. A good chunk of the kids had to go to extended care so I never saw the parents, and the rest just hustled their kids away at the end of the school day. I was also under a lot more stress at the time as that was when my kid really started struggling with everything, so my capacity to make connections was diminished.
So my hunch is that right now it’s not really about your kid in particular, and more about the parents. (I’m especially side-eyeing the mom sharing that your kid was the only one not invited. WTF.) It could be racial, it could be some other reason (class; economic; in-group/out-group social dynamics based on something you’re not aware). I have a white friend who sent her neurotypical kid to a co-op preschool and she was similarly dismayed at the lack of social interaction between the families outside of school.
It does change as the kids get older. My kid had playdates and birthday invites in K, 1, 2 … albeit no actual chums. Covid destroyed all social connections for her, our attempts at rebuilding them at a new school have not gone great. Social dynamics for kids are challenging in general, and it is tougher for autistic girls.
posted by stowaway at 5:30 PM on August 7, 2023 [5 favorites]
So my hunch is that right now it’s not really about your kid in particular, and more about the parents. (I’m especially side-eyeing the mom sharing that your kid was the only one not invited. WTF.) It could be racial, it could be some other reason (class; economic; in-group/out-group social dynamics based on something you’re not aware). I have a white friend who sent her neurotypical kid to a co-op preschool and she was similarly dismayed at the lack of social interaction between the families outside of school.
It does change as the kids get older. My kid had playdates and birthday invites in K, 1, 2 … albeit no actual chums. Covid destroyed all social connections for her, our attempts at rebuilding them at a new school have not gone great. Social dynamics for kids are challenging in general, and it is tougher for autistic girls.
posted by stowaway at 5:30 PM on August 7, 2023 [5 favorites]
I would find a craft group for kids her age (on weekends?). Doesn't have to be many kids. If you don't have those kinds of things create one. Something really easy like paper mache. One week you make the object, second week you paint it. Or cardboard dollhouses. (to donate to less fortunate kids?) Cut out pics from magazines and make collages. Sell collages and give money to foodbank?
posted by cda at 6:25 PM on August 7, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by cda at 6:25 PM on August 7, 2023 [2 favorites]
My heart breaks for you and for her after reading this. The way the other parents behaved toward you and your kid is not normal and it’s hard not to see it as racist. I teach young children and I will echo that all kids are oddballs and they will generally enjoy playing with any other kid that isn’t mean and shares an interest in whatever they are playing at that moment.
It shouldn’t be as hard as it was this past year, so I think it may be fine with no special effort. But if you want to try something, try to get a sense of which parents are actually nice and welcoming and set up play dates with their kids first.
posted by mai at 6:48 PM on August 7, 2023 [17 favorites]
It shouldn’t be as hard as it was this past year, so I think it may be fine with no special effort. But if you want to try something, try to get a sense of which parents are actually nice and welcoming and set up play dates with their kids first.
posted by mai at 6:48 PM on August 7, 2023 [17 favorites]
That parent sucks. My kid was the only non-White student in her preschool for a year plus they are fairly quiet and take awhile (a looong while) to warm up compared to all the other kids. The preschool teachers were great in setting a kind and inclusive tone, the parents also do this, and the other kids model after it. For example, my kid takes awhile before they want to play in the morning with others and the other kids will come say hi but then will tell each other "inevitabilitykid just needs some space now, let's come back later." They learned this from the teachers. They don't shun my kid and not invite them to parties.
One thing I try to do is temper my own anxiety about it all so as to not make them feel it is an issue. I tell my kid, I also find it hard to say hi to new people but some times it does feel nice to make new friends. So we practice saying "Hi my name is inevitabilitykid, can I play with you?" and we talk about when we would want to/feel comfortable to do this. For example, they were in an extracurricular class and I said, maybe you can try saying this if you see someone who is doing something you also want to try. Or I pack them extra stickers or gummies and say to share if you want to, and that can be a nice opener too.
I also did sign my kid up for a school learning our language. We start in the fall but I'm hoping they build a different social group and community there as well. Just different experiences and maybe new friends will click.
Best of luck in the new school.
posted by inevitability at 6:49 PM on August 7, 2023 [14 favorites]
One thing I try to do is temper my own anxiety about it all so as to not make them feel it is an issue. I tell my kid, I also find it hard to say hi to new people but some times it does feel nice to make new friends. So we practice saying "Hi my name is inevitabilitykid, can I play with you?" and we talk about when we would want to/feel comfortable to do this. For example, they were in an extracurricular class and I said, maybe you can try saying this if you see someone who is doing something you also want to try. Or I pack them extra stickers or gummies and say to share if you want to, and that can be a nice opener too.
I also did sign my kid up for a school learning our language. We start in the fall but I'm hoping they build a different social group and community there as well. Just different experiences and maybe new friends will click.
Best of luck in the new school.
posted by inevitability at 6:49 PM on August 7, 2023 [14 favorites]
I don't know specifically how to help except to tell you that the parents at that school are rude and not normal (racism or some other thing is going on). If your kid didn't do anything violent or broke any boundaries with other kids, it's very weird how the parent said she wasn't invited. I might talk to the teacher just to make sure nothing untoward happened. You never know! I'm glad you're moving to another school.
Your kid sounds fine socially and at 4, kids should be able to be themselves without becoming outcasts. It's not her fault and it sounds like that was an awful school.
posted by AnyUsernameWillDo at 6:55 PM on August 7, 2023 [6 favorites]
Your kid sounds fine socially and at 4, kids should be able to be themselves without becoming outcasts. It's not her fault and it sounds like that was an awful school.
posted by AnyUsernameWillDo at 6:55 PM on August 7, 2023 [6 favorites]
In my experience at this age, these parents are being weird, not your kid. I have no clue what was going on, trying to put myself into their shoes their actions seem rude and cruel. Maybe it is cultural, maybe this particular mom invites drama into her life? I don't know.
Watching the kids in my daughter's preschool class, some are more social than others. They all grew up during the pandemic and had various levels of interaction before preschool. There are kids my daughter plays with more, and kids who are on a different wavelength. At this age I wouldn't exclude kids who are on a different wavelength from birthday party or playdate invites, because kids this age are extremely flexible with their playmates.
posted by muddgirl at 8:09 PM on August 7, 2023 [3 favorites]
Watching the kids in my daughter's preschool class, some are more social than others. They all grew up during the pandemic and had various levels of interaction before preschool. There are kids my daughter plays with more, and kids who are on a different wavelength. At this age I wouldn't exclude kids who are on a different wavelength from birthday party or playdate invites, because kids this age are extremely flexible with their playmates.
posted by muddgirl at 8:09 PM on August 7, 2023 [3 favorites]
she does ok with boys
Set up playdates with boys then. That is totally normal for that age group and if that is who she meshes with, make that connection for her.
posted by Toddles at 9:31 PM on August 7, 2023 [12 favorites]
Set up playdates with boys then. That is totally normal for that age group and if that is who she meshes with, make that connection for her.
posted by Toddles at 9:31 PM on August 7, 2023 [12 favorites]
Girl-with-class-oddball-reputation-kid-all-grown-up here- I probably would have been evaluated for ASD if they were doing that sort of thing when i was a kid, definitely was actively bullied/excluded a lot at school, (and for the life of me to this day i can't figure out why, because I am smart and fun!) just... on a different wavelength where I was better with adults and always interested in more niche stuff than the average kid, and kids can be kindaclicque-y at times and gang up on the oddballs I am here to tell you that this too shall pass and friendships will happen and there's so much great advice upthread.
2nding suggestion to keep an eye out for non-school activities where your kid can do activity based stuff where you might be likely to meet other nerds.
When I was little little, that meant little craft activities that were put on by the parks department or a local community center- doing clay, making butterflies out of coffee filters, that sort of thing. In 2nd or 3rd grade, it was stuff like Dissecting Owl Pellets and doing activities on Computerized Legos, ( think probably put on by local college kids, probably through the parks dept or maybe the local community college? Scour the internet for your town. Definitely look at eventbrite, coursehorse, and the websites of any institutions your town might have- museum, art center, municipal parks dept, libraries, etc.
Later I got into brownies and girl scouts (my mom and her friend actually were the troupe leaders for a time? not sure if they took that over or started it, but it definitely grew into an ethnically+socioeconomically diverse group of kind, nerdy girls that i stayed friendly with throughout junior high and high school! That could be something to look into if you want to start your own crafts + skills club beyond school. Is there a Daisies troup in your area? that's the little kids version of girl scouts. If there isn't, you could definitely start one.
Later elementary school and middle school begat junior zookeepers, community theater, and speech team and becoming a foreign exchange student, again via a local community group. In addition to being niche stuff that i found fun, it also gave me a good opportunity to hang out with new kids that DIDN'T have me marked as the class odd-ball, and I made new friends more easily in these new environments.
ANYWAY, this got kinda long, but what I am trying to say here is leaning into the non-school extracurricular opportunities where they can meet non-school kids and do extra curricular activities of their own choosing will be a LIFELONG set-them-up-for-success thing to keep an eye out for. I have flourished in ways that I am pretty sure my very typical elementary school bullies would never have expected. I know little redlines will too.
Good luck + Have fun!
posted by wowenthusiast at 10:07 PM on August 7, 2023 [7 favorites]
2nding suggestion to keep an eye out for non-school activities where your kid can do activity based stuff where you might be likely to meet other nerds.
When I was little little, that meant little craft activities that were put on by the parks department or a local community center- doing clay, making butterflies out of coffee filters, that sort of thing. In 2nd or 3rd grade, it was stuff like Dissecting Owl Pellets and doing activities on Computerized Legos, ( think probably put on by local college kids, probably through the parks dept or maybe the local community college? Scour the internet for your town. Definitely look at eventbrite, coursehorse, and the websites of any institutions your town might have- museum, art center, municipal parks dept, libraries, etc.
Later I got into brownies and girl scouts (my mom and her friend actually were the troupe leaders for a time? not sure if they took that over or started it, but it definitely grew into an ethnically+socioeconomically diverse group of kind, nerdy girls that i stayed friendly with throughout junior high and high school! That could be something to look into if you want to start your own crafts + skills club beyond school. Is there a Daisies troup in your area? that's the little kids version of girl scouts. If there isn't, you could definitely start one.
Later elementary school and middle school begat junior zookeepers, community theater, and speech team and becoming a foreign exchange student, again via a local community group. In addition to being niche stuff that i found fun, it also gave me a good opportunity to hang out with new kids that DIDN'T have me marked as the class odd-ball, and I made new friends more easily in these new environments.
ANYWAY, this got kinda long, but what I am trying to say here is leaning into the non-school extracurricular opportunities where they can meet non-school kids and do extra curricular activities of their own choosing will be a LIFELONG set-them-up-for-success thing to keep an eye out for. I have flourished in ways that I am pretty sure my very typical elementary school bullies would never have expected. I know little redlines will too.
Good luck + Have fun!
posted by wowenthusiast at 10:07 PM on August 7, 2023 [7 favorites]
Liberal white people in liberal areas are sometimes quite racist. They don't want to be, and they might not know it, and they probably feel really bad when they (we) get reminded it's how we feel, and we are also incredibly talented at coming up with a host of reasons for things so that we don't feel like we are being racist, and yet we are often incredibly racist.
And white 4 year old kids absolutely learn these values from their white parents, even if the parents don't mean to teach it.
My family situation is different, as I am white and adopted my kids of color, but everything I've read suggests that even kids who live in their families of origin really struggle when they're the "only" -- the only kid of color in a white class, for example. The advice to white parents of kids of color in this situation is to move to a neighborhood where your kid won't be an only. Even if there aren't other Indian kids, it would be great if she could be with other non-white immigrant kids, or Asian Americans, or Black kids, really please try to get her into more situations where she's not the only kid who isn't white.
If you can't do that in the short term, then please pursue at least one extracurricular activity or regular family social outing (art class? dance class? religious gatherings?) where there are mostly kids of color. It will be really helpful for her.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:55 PM on August 7, 2023 [14 favorites]
And white 4 year old kids absolutely learn these values from their white parents, even if the parents don't mean to teach it.
My family situation is different, as I am white and adopted my kids of color, but everything I've read suggests that even kids who live in their families of origin really struggle when they're the "only" -- the only kid of color in a white class, for example. The advice to white parents of kids of color in this situation is to move to a neighborhood where your kid won't be an only. Even if there aren't other Indian kids, it would be great if she could be with other non-white immigrant kids, or Asian Americans, or Black kids, really please try to get her into more situations where she's not the only kid who isn't white.
If you can't do that in the short term, then please pursue at least one extracurricular activity or regular family social outing (art class? dance class? religious gatherings?) where there are mostly kids of color. It will be really helpful for her.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:55 PM on August 7, 2023 [14 favorites]
This reminds me of how I got bullied in kindergarten and held back because it was MY fault for not being socially developed. I wore glasses.
I am happy to note that my second year of kindergarten had no assholes and went better. To quote from the song "I Feel Nothing" from A Chorus Line, "find a better class." Hopefully the move does that, but if not, ask about switching her elsewhere if you can.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:22 PM on August 7, 2023 [1 favorite]
I am happy to note that my second year of kindergarten had no assholes and went better. To quote from the song "I Feel Nothing" from A Chorus Line, "find a better class." Hopefully the move does that, but if not, ask about switching her elsewhere if you can.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:22 PM on August 7, 2023 [1 favorite]
Autistic European-descended US citizen here, female.
I feel bad for any kid who has to endure United States school culture these days. That goes double for autistic kids and quadruple for autistic kids of color. Many US-born adults have lost their way, to put it mildly, and their kids will follow suit for the most part.
I'm going to assume your daughter is in fact autistic. But it will serve you well to do some assessments online (which I would recommend over seeking an official DX, for both cost and privacy reasons, unless your daughter is in dire need of accommodations for sensory processing disorders, for example). Please message me privately if you're interested in reliable online tests for women and girls - most of them are free of charge!
One of the best things you can do for your daughter is to learn about how autism affects girls and women, and to create a milieu for her, outside of the school environment, based on what you learn. What that could look like:
posted by rabia.elizabeth at 3:14 AM on August 8, 2023 [9 favorites]
I feel bad for any kid who has to endure United States school culture these days. That goes double for autistic kids and quadruple for autistic kids of color. Many US-born adults have lost their way, to put it mildly, and their kids will follow suit for the most part.
I'm going to assume your daughter is in fact autistic. But it will serve you well to do some assessments online (which I would recommend over seeking an official DX, for both cost and privacy reasons, unless your daughter is in dire need of accommodations for sensory processing disorders, for example). Please message me privately if you're interested in reliable online tests for women and girls - most of them are free of charge!
One of the best things you can do for your daughter is to learn about how autism affects girls and women, and to create a milieu for her, outside of the school environment, based on what you learn. What that could look like:
- Connect her with other autistic children for play dates. As someone else said, she may do better with boys and thats OK.
- Sitting on the couch and reading a book is not wasting time. Lather, rinse, repeat.
- Show her that you value her interests even though they appear to have nothing to do with people or socializing. Does she like looking at the night sky? Take her to a family-friendly star party and make sure she gets a look through a telescope. Birds? Get in touch with your local birdwatching group and go on a family-friendly birding activity. Or just make it a private family-only activity. My dad was especially good with this and the foundation he laid served me very, very well in adulthood.
- Be aware that you may be imposing expectations that she be social that you might not impose if she were a boy.
- Read the Miss Manners books together and have a discussion about what social behavior looks like! If she can get interested in social rules and behavior as a special interest, it will help her engage with others. And if she's not interested in that, so be it.
- If she suddenly seems to be more quiet and withdrawn, ask her if something is bothering her. And then simply listen. Don't offer suggestions as to "how she could have done that better" - ask her if she would LIKE a suggestion, then make it, and make it clear that she doesn't have to take the suggestion if she doesnt want to.
- Meet My Autistic Brain - light-hearted but deeply no-nonsense podcast by a late-diagnosed autistic woman
- NeuroAccess with Annie Crowe
- Autistamatic (a white guy but lots of good info and debunking)
- Drama Queen by Sara Gibbs
- The autistic community on Mastodon. I'm one of them!
posted by rabia.elizabeth at 3:14 AM on August 8, 2023 [9 favorites]
Just chiming in as a formerly undiagnosed neurodivergent brown woman who was usually the only POC and had no close friends in the first years of school. Personally, some of my best memories of elementary school are sitting on my own and reading. If I had been pressured to try and make friends and play the loud games that looked so dull to me, I would have hated it and resented my caregivers.
I had some friends at school but didn't meet my closest friends until I got to university. My memories are happy, not lonely. Racism was also a thing-- a couple of kids told me they refused to play with me because I was brown. But I didn't really care iirc, because who would want to play with those loud, silly boys anyway? Most of the time I noticed nothing, and this was the 1980s. As someone said upthread, I didn't need to 'do' friends in the normal way, in fact it seemed a bit overwhelming. Of course YMMV but maybe not, too.
posted by guessthis at 3:34 AM on August 8, 2023 [5 favorites]
I had some friends at school but didn't meet my closest friends until I got to university. My memories are happy, not lonely. Racism was also a thing-- a couple of kids told me they refused to play with me because I was brown. But I didn't really care iirc, because who would want to play with those loud, silly boys anyway? Most of the time I noticed nothing, and this was the 1980s. As someone said upthread, I didn't need to 'do' friends in the normal way, in fact it seemed a bit overwhelming. Of course YMMV but maybe not, too.
posted by guessthis at 3:34 AM on August 8, 2023 [5 favorites]
"We are of Indian descent while the other kids and teachers are white. We live in a very liberal area of the US so it shouldn’t matter, right? "
What??!!! Of course it matters! Racism is so so so ingrained in our culture. It's like air.
posted by halehale at 6:52 AM on August 8, 2023 [7 favorites]
What??!!! Of course it matters! Racism is so so so ingrained in our culture. It's like air.
posted by halehale at 6:52 AM on August 8, 2023 [7 favorites]
Write a letter to the principal immediately and ask that your child be placed in a class with as many BIPOC students as possible. Parent racism is ABSOLUTELY a thing and child underexposure to other races leads to children being racist too. And the racial exclusion is absolutely happening by age 4.
Plus being the only brown kid in the class means educators mentally single out the child (stereotyping them as badly behaved for Black children but you can expand this to assume they’re applying other stereotypes to other races).
My kid’s school has a very insightful and progressive racialized principal and this was the first rule she created- NO kid in my school is allowed to be the “only one” in their class. (Applies for disability, body size, gender expansiveness, sexuality, and spectrum identity too, as all these things surface).
Putting your kid in a class with other kids like them is the #1 way to help them do well in school and build a healthy self-concept. This is super important and I would never ever ever put my kid in a school where they would be “the only one”. I would move houses if need be.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:58 AM on August 8, 2023 [5 favorites]
Plus being the only brown kid in the class means educators mentally single out the child (stereotyping them as badly behaved for Black children but you can expand this to assume they’re applying other stereotypes to other races).
My kid’s school has a very insightful and progressive racialized principal and this was the first rule she created- NO kid in my school is allowed to be the “only one” in their class. (Applies for disability, body size, gender expansiveness, sexuality, and spectrum identity too, as all these things surface).
Putting your kid in a class with other kids like them is the #1 way to help them do well in school and build a healthy self-concept. This is super important and I would never ever ever put my kid in a school where they would be “the only one”. I would move houses if need be.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:58 AM on August 8, 2023 [5 favorites]
I'm so sorry to hear you and your child had to go through this exclusion. My 5 year old son is younger socially than other kids and I am also looking for ways to help develop him socially. The best path for me was finding an inclusive school with experienced teachers and experienced administrators who have worked with kids like my son in the past.
I specifically looked for play-based programs that primarily focused on social emotional development. I work with my son on other skills outside of school but I ensure he had plenty of outside and inside playtime with other kids with gentle scaffolding from teachers and minimal academic activity. He is friends with neuro-diverse children and NT kids and is learning to navigate both worlds. I wonder if you could ask her school how they work with children with special needs. I would be curious to hear their answer. I feel that you often see the true colors of a school when they are asked to answer this simple question. I have had some schools outright cut me off and tell me they don't welcome therapists or deal with special needs children and other schools have thoughtful answers. The tone of the school often drives the tone of the parents attending the school. Kind schools tend to have kind parents.
posted by ichimunki at 8:31 AM on August 8, 2023 [2 favorites]
I specifically looked for play-based programs that primarily focused on social emotional development. I work with my son on other skills outside of school but I ensure he had plenty of outside and inside playtime with other kids with gentle scaffolding from teachers and minimal academic activity. He is friends with neuro-diverse children and NT kids and is learning to navigate both worlds. I wonder if you could ask her school how they work with children with special needs. I would be curious to hear their answer. I feel that you often see the true colors of a school when they are asked to answer this simple question. I have had some schools outright cut me off and tell me they don't welcome therapists or deal with special needs children and other schools have thoughtful answers. The tone of the school often drives the tone of the parents attending the school. Kind schools tend to have kind parents.
posted by ichimunki at 8:31 AM on August 8, 2023 [2 favorites]
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posted by kevinbelt at 4:49 PM on August 7, 2023 [4 favorites]