How to move on from a bad romance?
July 31, 2023 1:10 PM Subscribe
How do you move on still believing in love, and yourself, when you've had an experience with someone you've loved but who didn't treat you well?
I guess im trying to reconcile the experience of having truly loved someone, and been loved in return, yet it was a situation where there were a lot of toxic elements- dishonesty, confusion, disrespect.
My feeling is that the love is tainted. But I still experienced the feelings of love. How do I reconcile what seem to be genuine feelings with the toxic elements? Do I need to believe it was all a lie? And how do I go on believing that I can find a healthy love?
I realize this question is broad and deep...but I would so appreciate your anecdotes, words of wisdom, and action steps related to the above.
I guess im trying to reconcile the experience of having truly loved someone, and been loved in return, yet it was a situation where there were a lot of toxic elements- dishonesty, confusion, disrespect.
My feeling is that the love is tainted. But I still experienced the feelings of love. How do I reconcile what seem to be genuine feelings with the toxic elements? Do I need to believe it was all a lie? And how do I go on believing that I can find a healthy love?
I realize this question is broad and deep...but I would so appreciate your anecdotes, words of wisdom, and action steps related to the above.
Speaking broadly, it can be liberating to let go of the adage that 'love conquers all.' In the same way that you can love a bad movie without wanting to watch it again, while also loving movies in general, you get to stop putting pressure on the experience of love to translate directly into a healthy relationship.
More specifically, learning and practicing endings is an essential part of beginnings. One goes with the other, inextricably.
Hang in there.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 1:41 PM on July 31, 2023 [17 favorites]
More specifically, learning and practicing endings is an essential part of beginnings. One goes with the other, inextricably.
Hang in there.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 1:41 PM on July 31, 2023 [17 favorites]
Something I've found myself doing is what I call "stating facts." When I have to try to get over someone who I was in love with but treated me badly, I write down all the logical reasons why it doesn't make sense for me to want to be with them:
- they didn't treat me with respect
- they strung me along
- etc
In the haze of love, my brain cannot understand the severity of some of these items. But by listing them out, and reminding myself of them, it helps me to slowly come out of the fog.
I've noticed friends who are going through divorces and breakups do something similar: they repeatedly tell me the same things their partner does to hurt them. When you're in love, I think there's a long process before it sinks in that those behaviors are not okay. Sometimes you need to state a fact many times, and be validated that the behavior is not okay, before your brain lets you accept it. Even when you know that if a friend were in the same situation, you'd tell them to run!
Love and passion can definitely exist within an unhealthy relationship: that's what keeps those relationships going! The trick is falling in love with someone who treats you the way you want to be treated.
posted by homodachi at 1:49 PM on July 31, 2023 [10 favorites]
- they didn't treat me with respect
- they strung me along
- etc
In the haze of love, my brain cannot understand the severity of some of these items. But by listing them out, and reminding myself of them, it helps me to slowly come out of the fog.
I've noticed friends who are going through divorces and breakups do something similar: they repeatedly tell me the same things their partner does to hurt them. When you're in love, I think there's a long process before it sinks in that those behaviors are not okay. Sometimes you need to state a fact many times, and be validated that the behavior is not okay, before your brain lets you accept it. Even when you know that if a friend were in the same situation, you'd tell them to run!
Love and passion can definitely exist within an unhealthy relationship: that's what keeps those relationships going! The trick is falling in love with someone who treats you the way you want to be treated.
posted by homodachi at 1:49 PM on July 31, 2023 [10 favorites]
It takes time to heal. It's hard to see the forest for the trees when your face is right up against the trunk, and is still difficult when you've backed up a few steps. Sometimes it takes quite a bit of distance before seeing the whole big picture forest. Bad relationships can be like this.
posted by Sparky Buttons at 2:19 PM on July 31, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Sparky Buttons at 2:19 PM on July 31, 2023 [1 favorite]
Hey, I'm some version of you. There was real love and there was also stuff I can't yet forgive and it's hard not to hate and devalue the whole thing.
Bizarrely the media thing that gave me a moment of feeling (ugh, sorry, cliche) "seen" was Taylor Swift's "Happiness."
"There'll be happiness after you
But there was happiness because of you
Both of these things can be true."
and
"No one teaches you what to do
When a good man hurts you
And you know you hurt him too."
I don't know, it's slow and it's impossible to see the whole thing while you're still in it. I have the idea it's a matter of time, which is not the most palatable thing when one is (you may or may not be) of a certain age with a feeling that the moving on needs to happen sooner rather than later.
I kind of want to say: allow yourself the negative feelings even if they make the whole thing seem like shit, and see how it sorts out over time, and know that you'll get some of the good feeling back eventually. But I'm not really sure, because I'm still in it, too.
posted by less-of-course at 2:27 PM on July 31, 2023 [5 favorites]
Bizarrely the media thing that gave me a moment of feeling (ugh, sorry, cliche) "seen" was Taylor Swift's "Happiness."
"There'll be happiness after you
But there was happiness because of you
Both of these things can be true."
and
"No one teaches you what to do
When a good man hurts you
And you know you hurt him too."
I don't know, it's slow and it's impossible to see the whole thing while you're still in it. I have the idea it's a matter of time, which is not the most palatable thing when one is (you may or may not be) of a certain age with a feeling that the moving on needs to happen sooner rather than later.
I kind of want to say: allow yourself the negative feelings even if they make the whole thing seem like shit, and see how it sorts out over time, and know that you'll get some of the good feeling back eventually. But I'm not really sure, because I'm still in it, too.
posted by less-of-course at 2:27 PM on July 31, 2023 [5 favorites]
there were a lot of toxic elements- dishonesty, confusion, disrespect.
I'm glad to hear it didn't escalate to violence, as it often does.
The basics are this: love is something we both desire and something that leaves us vulnerable. This can be a terrifying mixture and people can act badly when they're afraid of losing it.
It takes two mature people who can deal with that fear for love to last. Otherwise you get what you got.
So what you can do is to learn to be certain enough of yourself that you can love someone else and find someone else that is certain of themselves so they can love you.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:37 PM on July 31, 2023 [2 favorites]
I'm glad to hear it didn't escalate to violence, as it often does.
The basics are this: love is something we both desire and something that leaves us vulnerable. This can be a terrifying mixture and people can act badly when they're afraid of losing it.
It takes two mature people who can deal with that fear for love to last. Otherwise you get what you got.
So what you can do is to learn to be certain enough of yourself that you can love someone else and find someone else that is certain of themselves so they can love you.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:37 PM on July 31, 2023 [2 favorites]
My take: don't try to reconcile it all to make it tidy. There isn't one truth.
Instead, embrace the contradictions, knowing that all of these things can be simultaneously true:
I love(d) this person.
This person said they loved me.
This person did not treat me well.
This was an unhealthy relationship for me, and it's good that it's ended.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:38 PM on July 31, 2023 [12 favorites]
Instead, embrace the contradictions, knowing that all of these things can be simultaneously true:
I love(d) this person.
This person said they loved me.
This person did not treat me well.
This was an unhealthy relationship for me, and it's good that it's ended.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:38 PM on July 31, 2023 [12 favorites]
Love can be expressed in all sorts of ways and sometimes those ways are harmful.
People often hurt people they love and it doesn't mean they don't love them. It just means that love is not always the answer. Love doesn't solve things.
I've been treated poorly all my life by people who love me very much. There's a saying in my family that I'm sure we didn't invent but I don't know when/who started saying it:
"I love my father/sister/mother/nana/etc but I don't like them very much."
That's what you tell yourself when people who you love hurt you. You can have loved and still love someone through and despite some really bad stuff.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 3:56 PM on July 31, 2023 [4 favorites]
People often hurt people they love and it doesn't mean they don't love them. It just means that love is not always the answer. Love doesn't solve things.
I've been treated poorly all my life by people who love me very much. There's a saying in my family that I'm sure we didn't invent but I don't know when/who started saying it:
"I love my father/sister/mother/nana/etc but I don't like them very much."
That's what you tell yourself when people who you love hurt you. You can have loved and still love someone through and despite some really bad stuff.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 3:56 PM on July 31, 2023 [4 favorites]
How do I reconcile what seem to be genuine feelings with the toxic elements? Do I need to believe it was all a lie?
I sincerely believe it was not a lie. And yes, there is a way to reconcile things.
Firstly - your ex loved you as well as they could. The problem was, "as well as they could" wasn't what you needed, and wasn't healthy enough for you to sustain things.
Secondly, and more importantly: Love alone is not enough to build a permanent relationship. You also need mutual respect, trust, honesty and healthy communication, among other things; or you need to at least be in the same place on those things and both be willing to work together on developing them. If you only have a couple of those elements, those elements alone may be just dandy, but it's not enough for something permanent.
It's like a cake recipe - even if you have the absolute best eggs in the god-damn world, the eggs alone are not enough to make a cake; you also need the flour, sugar, and butter, at least. Without the butter, sugar, and flour, there's no way to make a cake. ....But that doesn't mean you didn't have eggs, and that they weren't GOOD eggs. They just weren't....enough to make a cake.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:12 PM on July 31, 2023 [19 favorites]
I sincerely believe it was not a lie. And yes, there is a way to reconcile things.
Firstly - your ex loved you as well as they could. The problem was, "as well as they could" wasn't what you needed, and wasn't healthy enough for you to sustain things.
Secondly, and more importantly: Love alone is not enough to build a permanent relationship. You also need mutual respect, trust, honesty and healthy communication, among other things; or you need to at least be in the same place on those things and both be willing to work together on developing them. If you only have a couple of those elements, those elements alone may be just dandy, but it's not enough for something permanent.
It's like a cake recipe - even if you have the absolute best eggs in the god-damn world, the eggs alone are not enough to make a cake; you also need the flour, sugar, and butter, at least. Without the butter, sugar, and flour, there's no way to make a cake. ....But that doesn't mean you didn't have eggs, and that they weren't GOOD eggs. They just weren't....enough to make a cake.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:12 PM on July 31, 2023 [19 favorites]
To know you're capable of great love is no small thing.
posted by Iris Gambol at 8:11 PM on July 31, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by Iris Gambol at 8:11 PM on July 31, 2023 [4 favorites]
Love isn’t passion isn’t compatibility. Sometimes love is a hot mess. Enjoy the ride but be realistic. Time and perspective will make this so clear.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:32 PM on July 31, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:32 PM on July 31, 2023 [1 favorite]
When I made my dating profile, I was wrestling with some of these questions. I was 44, so I was hoping to meet a potential partner who was also in their middle years. I reflected before writing my profile that anyone dating in their middle years, or possibly any life period, will bring a range of experiences to their field of romantic inquiry.
If you are on a dating site for example, or going on dates hoping to find a partner, you are always going to have a ‘story’ and probably a story of disappointment in where your love life has landed so far, even if you had beautiful times. Even if your previous relationship ended amicably, you still have a story. No matter how simple the ways in which you found yourself looking for love again feel, they are still complex. Abandonment and loss are complex and they have deep impacts, most obviously disappointment and despair.
Knowing that every potential partner has some story of how they got to be dating, I put in the ‘what are you doing with your life?’ section of the dating profile, that I was “working on my ‘tude” and hoping that others coming into my orbit were/are doing the same. People can still be entangled with what brought them into the dating space, but the important thing to me is how they are tackling their emotions and attitudes. This part of my profile garnered interest from some people who responded and that opened the door to say [briefly] the points I make here. Having some sense of critical awareness of oneself and one’s viewpoints on love was important to me.
There’s the theory of wanting to be a perfect lover, but the practice is so much more complex. It’s impossible to be perfect. For me it was a conscious decision not to use a potential partner to unpack the past, to measure against, to litigate etc, (I had my own therapist) but to look thoughtfully at the work they themselves were doing to come into a dating place with a willingness to reflect.
I read David Schnarch’s book “Passionate Marriage” which places a lot of emphasis on how unique individuals from the first meeting make particular kinds of connections. It made me particularly tune in to how first meetings were going for me and the other person, and I learned a lot from doing that.
posted by honey-barbara at 2:39 AM on August 1, 2023 [3 favorites]
If you are on a dating site for example, or going on dates hoping to find a partner, you are always going to have a ‘story’ and probably a story of disappointment in where your love life has landed so far, even if you had beautiful times. Even if your previous relationship ended amicably, you still have a story. No matter how simple the ways in which you found yourself looking for love again feel, they are still complex. Abandonment and loss are complex and they have deep impacts, most obviously disappointment and despair.
Knowing that every potential partner has some story of how they got to be dating, I put in the ‘what are you doing with your life?’ section of the dating profile, that I was “working on my ‘tude” and hoping that others coming into my orbit were/are doing the same. People can still be entangled with what brought them into the dating space, but the important thing to me is how they are tackling their emotions and attitudes. This part of my profile garnered interest from some people who responded and that opened the door to say [briefly] the points I make here. Having some sense of critical awareness of oneself and one’s viewpoints on love was important to me.
There’s the theory of wanting to be a perfect lover, but the practice is so much more complex. It’s impossible to be perfect. For me it was a conscious decision not to use a potential partner to unpack the past, to measure against, to litigate etc, (I had my own therapist) but to look thoughtfully at the work they themselves were doing to come into a dating place with a willingness to reflect.
I read David Schnarch’s book “Passionate Marriage” which places a lot of emphasis on how unique individuals from the first meeting make particular kinds of connections. It made me particularly tune in to how first meetings were going for me and the other person, and I learned a lot from doing that.
posted by honey-barbara at 2:39 AM on August 1, 2023 [3 favorites]
I can relate to your question because of my experience with the person that I asked this question about.
The way I have been thinking about it includes thinking about "love" and my experience of it as something akin to the Richter scale -- I like that analogy because it is quantitative (and our culture tutors our minds to easily assess things according to 1-5 or 1-10 scales), but also because of the way that scale is logarithmic, rather than linear, which means that a 10 is so categorically different than a 9 that it's not just "the next step" or an incremental increase -- it's a whole different ballgame. My thinking is, how I loved this person was a "10" in my own personal Richter scale of love, and that is never going to happen again with anyone else, and that is okay because a 9 or an 8 are still perfectly fine for living a happy and fulfilled life and for experiencing love. I think of it as: I don't need that "10" -- perhaps much like those studies that show happiness and well-being peaking at a certain income point and then plateauing even as income increases, I can be very happy at an "8" or a "9."
The point of this isn't to say that my analogy will necessarily work for you -- but rather, to encourage you to think about what narrative or metaphor can resonate with you and help you make sense of your experience and reframe it in a way that moves you beyond this "paradox" ("love is toxic" and "I need to experience love").
posted by virve at 8:52 AM on August 1, 2023
The way I have been thinking about it includes thinking about "love" and my experience of it as something akin to the Richter scale -- I like that analogy because it is quantitative (and our culture tutors our minds to easily assess things according to 1-5 or 1-10 scales), but also because of the way that scale is logarithmic, rather than linear, which means that a 10 is so categorically different than a 9 that it's not just "the next step" or an incremental increase -- it's a whole different ballgame. My thinking is, how I loved this person was a "10" in my own personal Richter scale of love, and that is never going to happen again with anyone else, and that is okay because a 9 or an 8 are still perfectly fine for living a happy and fulfilled life and for experiencing love. I think of it as: I don't need that "10" -- perhaps much like those studies that show happiness and well-being peaking at a certain income point and then plateauing even as income increases, I can be very happy at an "8" or a "9."
The point of this isn't to say that my analogy will necessarily work for you -- but rather, to encourage you to think about what narrative or metaphor can resonate with you and help you make sense of your experience and reframe it in a way that moves you beyond this "paradox" ("love is toxic" and "I need to experience love").
posted by virve at 8:52 AM on August 1, 2023
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posted by bearette at 1:27 PM on July 31, 2023