Give me your experiences and tips on reducing headphone usage.
July 25, 2023 7:20 AM   Subscribe

This feels ridiculous to type but I think I have an unhealthy relationship with my headphones. Have you had a similar experience and gotten over it? If so - how did you do it and what does healthy look like for you?

I have ADHD and am generally a pretty worn out person - young child + busy job + adhd + not a great sleeper mean I feel like my executive function is always running low. However - since the pandemic began, I have felt like it's gotten a lot worse to the point of being on the edge of burnout at times. I also feel a little socially isolated - working mostly from home with a young family, I don't feel like I am getting enough connection with my friends.

And I thought - oh that is being a parent and I am getting over the impacts of the pandemic - but I started to realize that I might also be self-inflicting some of it through some massive habit changes. One in particular - I am constantly consuming content.

I spend nearly all day with at least one headphone in my ear - literally an AirPod in when I fall sleep until I wake up, then from the moment my kid goes to school until they get home and then after they fall asleep - I have a headphone in. Sometimes even if I am with family - I have one airpod in listening to something else which feels awful to say.

I put headphones on for house chores, running errands, running and cycling. If I am in the office at work, unless I am actively in a meeting with others - I generally have headphones on. I averaged 10 hours a day of screen time usage last week - most of it not actively looking at the phone and instead listening to podcasts, TV shows, etc.

I think I convinced myself that not looking at the phone but using it audio only is not an issue. Podcasts and educational content feel productive. It seemed innocuous enough until I started to think about cutting back. The idea of falling asleep without a headphone in now feels difficult. The idea of being in public, or running, or even sitting and working without listening to something feels foreign even for short periods.

And I am realizing - I am almost never plugged into the sounds of the real world or sitting in silence - and those both sound like antidotes to the kinds of things I am generally feeling. I feel like putting headphones on is an emotional armor of some sort - subduing my brain from some of the ADHD emotional challenges that I have by giving it a constant little dopamine hit in the background. Its as if I put my headphones on and I can hide from the world around me. And that seems...a way to maybe burn myself out unknowingly.

Does this resonate with you, whether or not you have ADHD? Have you had similar challenges with headphones? What does normal look like for you now? What tips, tricks or approaches did you take to cut back on using your headphones?
posted by openhearted to Health & Fitness (22 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
 
Best answer: you have described me...I am listening to something now as I work and respond to this post.

I will say that I did ween myself off of sleeping with headphones in. I switched from wired to wireless earbuds and once the wired earbuds became unreliable due to a loose wire I decided to stop using it to sleep because I didn't like the idea of an earbud falling out of my ear at night.

Other than that the things that make me reduce earbud use is to do things that require me to actively communicate with others.
posted by mmascolino at 7:33 AM on July 25, 2023


Not quite the headphone issue, but as someone who works remotely and definitely doesn’t get enough social time with friends, I know that I use a constant stream of media (TV shows, podcasts, audiobooks, music, etc) to make up for the lack of social interaction. I find it near impossible to do any house hold chores without something on. I don’t necessarily have an answer, just that this definitely resonates with me. (I also put on an audiobook/podcast to fall asleep to, but even when I was a little kid my parents put on my Fischer Price cadette player so i could listen to one more story before I went to sleep)
posted by raccoon409 at 7:37 AM on July 25, 2023 [3 favorites]


Best answer: Oh I have ADHD and I totally do this - sometimes to an excessive degree and sometimes not. It’s great for quieting racing thoughts and allowing the rest of my brain to focus on what I’m doing. I think some of what you’re describing is completely healthy and fine - why NOT listen to audio while cleaning, or to fall asleep? Or even while running errands? - but when I find I’m becoming anxious about the very idea of NOT doing it, I try to just deliberately leave the earbuds at home the next time I go out. This definitely doesn’t need to be all or nothing. In your case, maybe just start by taking them out when you’re with family, and give yourself permission to have them in when you’re alone?
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:14 AM on July 25, 2023 [4 favorites]


It does resonate with me. Since discovering podcasts, I'm usually listening to one while I'm at work or doing chores, which means that I'm listening to hours a day. I also like to have "content" on in the background while I'm doing art, although that's always been the case - it just used to be bad TV shows.

I don't actually feel too bad about it, though? I don't listen to (or watch) things that make me feel bad - like, I'm not filling my ears with exploitative celebrity gossip. It's mostly educational, with some fiction. It helps to keep me focused on a task if I'm doing one.

I think there is a puritan streak in our culture that looks askance at changes that make our lives more pleasurable, like we should just cope with the boredom of doing chores in silence. That if podcasts ease our anxious thoughts and help us sleep, that's bad - we should be doing it on our own. I try to be skeptical of that. So what if you're using podcasts to manage your ADHD?

That said, I think you've identified some concrete concerns, such as listening to headphones while you're with your family, which feels bad to you. You might be concerned that your ability to enjoy the world around you without the earbuds is lessening, and that you might be becoming too dependent on them.

Maybe you can think about addressing those concrete concerns in concrete ways, such as by not having your earbud in when you're socializing with your family. Or by leaving them at home while going for a walk. But I don't think that general guilt about using them "too much" is that productive; focus on actual concerns.

I'll share a couple of stories about my bedtime ritual here, which might or might not be applicable:

When I was a kid, I had a stuffed cat and I couldn't fall asleep without it. I was just used to it. One day, I decided that I wanted to be able to fall asleep without her, so I put her aside and tried. It was uncomfortable at first, but I quickly got used to sleeping without the cat. (I still have it, but it's on my dresser and not in my bed.)

More recently, I decided I no longer wanted to rely on a sleep mask in order to fall asleep. I used one for years and years when I lived in a brighter area, and I would have trouble falling asleep without it. One issue I had with this is that it interfered with my natural waking, as I wouldn't sense the change in light. Then I moved to an area with less hostile lighting, but I still felt I needed the mask because I had become so accustomed to it. When my sleep mask broke, I decided not to replace it. It did feel pretty weird to be without it at first, but after a couple of nights my face no longer felt so naked.

I think what I am saying here is that it is entirely within your power to choose to put the earbuds down in some specific circumstances and see how it goes for you. Give it a few days, and see if you adjust.

(I have started to listen to podcasts on a sleep timer at bedtime though, and it's great! It combats the "I have a great idea I need to work on" or the "I have a terrible embarrassing memory I need to revisit now for some reason" thoughts, and I fall asleep better. What's wrong with that?)
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 8:36 AM on July 25, 2023 [5 favorites]


This strongly resonates with me (also have ADHD). I find that if I don’t have a podcast or music playing, my brain fills in the silence with an endless jukebox of songs stuck in my head. Sometimes that’s tolerable, other times I need something else to draw my attention.

I agree with the above suggestions to tackle the areas that feel like an actual problem. Regarding the headphone use during family time, might it help to play some music for everyone? That way, it’s can be a point of engagement with your family while still taking up some of that excess brain energy.
posted by bluloo at 8:42 AM on July 25, 2023


Best answer: I think this is an adhd thing - I find if I’m anxious about something, having my headphones in helps me move through the anxiety/avoidance. I do head over-the-ear headphones which makes it super obvious to me physically that I have them in, and I remove them when I’m around people.
posted by samthemander at 8:43 AM on July 25, 2023


I put headphones on for house chores, running errands, running and cycling. If I am in the office at work, unless I am actively in a meeting with others - I generally have headphones on. I averaged 10 hours a day of screen time usage last week - most of it not actively looking at the phone and instead listening to podcasts, TV shows, etc.

This is very similar to my level of headphone usage when I worked in an office. I had constant podcasts over noise cancelling earbuds so I could focus on my actual work. Now that I WFH in a quiet environment, I am able to focus much better during work hours, but still use headphones for chores, exercise, and errands. I think this part is pretty normal.

When you say you are listening to headphones while spending time with family, I think you're correct in identifying that that could be part of your burnout and worth changing. Try making a rule for yourself that you don't use headphones for "family time" from 6-7 on weeknights, or if your schedule isn't that consistent, while you're eating and bathing your kid. And slowly expand from there.
posted by Narrow Harbor at 8:46 AM on July 25, 2023 [2 favorites]


I have ADHD and no interest in hearing people babble on in podcasts. My job requires that I watch film, listen to audio, etc., and I’m glad to do so, but I don’t need to pile on more visuals and sounds.
Why not play music for the whole house to hear? Calming for pets, kids, and gives you an additional source of stimuli, but doesn’t take away from time with your family.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:07 AM on July 25, 2023


Remind yourself that some of this headphone use is not safe for you, or your child - for example if you are driving while running errands you should not have headphones in, they are a distraction from the important task of being aware of what's going on around your car.

I would also say - but it varies from person to person - that the relaxation / relief from stresses function of listening to music is lost if it is a constant thing. Ideally, you want to feel like when you sit down to listen to music, you're "taking a break" from things. If there's no clear break from whatever you're doing, to just chilling out with something, then you won't feel like there's a transition and it won't feel like relaxation.
posted by TimHare at 9:28 AM on July 25, 2023


Best answer: The idea of falling asleep without a headphone in now feels difficult. The idea of being in public, or running, or even sitting and working without listening to something feels foreign even for short periods.

And I am realizing - I am almost never plugged into the sounds of the real world or sitting in silence - and those both sound like antidotes to the kinds of things I am generally feeling.


I'm wondering if you try giving yourself 10 minutes of quiet time "falling asleep" to just be with the ambient noises in your room and whatever thoughts are in your own head. Then, if the 10 minutes goes by and you're not asleep, pop that headphone in and do what has been working for you. That way you get to try having that meditative time without the external stimulus, but you also know you don't have to deprive yourself of your headphones for very long if it's just not doing it for you. But at the same time, if that 10 minutes leads to feeling more comfortable without your headphones, then awesome. That's a win too.
posted by eekernohan at 9:31 AM on July 25, 2023


Best answer: I have two co-workers who often/always have an earpod in, and I've noticed two things: they are notably less effective with their tasks when they are multi-tasking like this (though they don't think so, themselves), and, they are less able to participate in work socializing because coworkers see that they are listening to something and choose not to talk to them. I wonder if at times the multi-tasking and one-sided listening contribute to the social isolation that you feel, because even when you can connect with someone, it's not a full connection.
posted by xo at 9:52 AM on July 25, 2023 [3 favorites]


Best answer: I've often said that getting my husband an ipod was the worst decision I could have made for my marriage and I'm only partially kidding. Now I've become a become a very heavy ebook listener and wear airpods for most of the day...I see how insidious the issue it.

Basically, when I have my airpods in, I get frustrated by interruptions. It always takes me a second to pause the audio and it really messes up the natural rhythm of someone trying to interact with me. When my husband is listing to his ipod (and I assume when others are trying to interact with me with my airpods are in) there has to be an analysis of "is this interruption worthy"? I'm an adult so I am willing to work around this but I don't think it's ideal in a house with children. Basically, I don't want my kids to be inhibited asking for my attention because they think my ebook or podcast is more important. Also, I feel more "present" when I'm reading a book or watching TV then when I'm listening to something with airpods. So, I'm trying to wear them less so that I can have a more natural conversational give and take in my household.
posted by victoriab at 10:01 AM on July 25, 2023 [1 favorite]


This might be something that a mindfulness or meditation app like Calm or Headspace could help with. I know it sounds silly to recommend another app, but building in 10 - 20 minutes (or however long you can spare) of quiet meditation in to your routine a couple times a day might help you feel more connected to yourself and the world around you. I believe Headspace also offers achievements/streaks/goals to meet which might help you keep going with it.

For what it's worth: I think this sounds like a fairly normal and (for the most part -- I agree with TimHare's note about driving) harmless coping mechanism for what sounds like a pretty stressful period of your life. Try not to beat yourself up too much for just finding a way to get through the day. We've all emerged from the pandemic a little bit changed.
posted by fight or flight at 10:18 AM on July 25, 2023 [1 favorite]


Yeah I'm a big audio content fiend and I can feel when I get to a point that I need to reel back. Usually it's because I'm panicking if I don't have something to listen to, or something I like enough. When I think "just" listening to music is "boring" (I'm a musician among other things, so that's a problem). Then I know I need to PURPOSEFULLY BE IN SILENCE and not listen to people talking, to listen to some music while I cook or do chores. My brain is prone to finding a path and digging it into a terrible rut. In college I missed my bus a few times frustratedly trying to get my podcast to download because the idea of the bus ride without something to listen to would be agony. I spent way longer at the bus stop doing this than the bus ride would have been. That's my too far, so identify your too far. This go from coping to maladaptive when it causes distress.
If you're not distressed or causing an issue with work or relationships, then rock on.
posted by wellifyouinsist at 10:23 AM on July 25, 2023 [1 favorite]


I'm autistic with sound sensitivities and possibly ADHD.

I wear headphones pretty much all of the time and find listening to audio books, nature sounds, and podcasts incredibly soothing.

I used to have a lot of shame around this, as I have around a lot of other things I do "too much" compared to other people (like get too interested in a particular topic)

My therapist told me that my headphone use is a stim, that is, it's something I do that helps me regulate myself. And that since it's not doing anyone any harm, I don't need to feel ashamed, or limit my use.

I try not to wear headphones when my husband is around, but occasionally I will tell him that I need to "listen to my story" if I'm feeling overwhelmed.

I worry that we're taught not to allow ourselves things that help us because our needs are unusual. There are plenty of things people use all the time to make life easier and we don't frame those as addictions or dependencies.
posted by Zumbador at 12:23 PM on July 25, 2023 [4 favorites]


Are you unmedicated and would you benefit from that? Occupying part of the brain is a very common coping mechanism for ADHD people. With as many things as you are juggling, it makes sense to me that you would need strategies for keeping yourself moving forward. If you take a day off from wearing the headphones, write down all the things that you are distracting yourself from - are there unpleasant textures, are you hungry/thirsty, does it keep you from getting bothered by household and outside noises? Just everything that makes you wish you were listening to something. Maybe you have some really heavy feelings you don’t feel like you have time/space to process. Figure out what need that’s filling, and what you need distracting from. Maybe it can be helped with life style changes or medication, or maybe you have a coping mechanism that’s really really working for you and you decide it’s ok.
posted by Bottlecap at 1:35 PM on July 25, 2023 [1 favorite]


Best answer: Yeah, as a single parent (though with older kids) who was working from home for a long time, and as someone with ADHD, I totally get this. I noticed it especially when walking the dog, when I'd wear headphones even for short walks (walks have gotten a lot shorter as my dog has gotten older). I still often do this but am scaling back. I'll also note that we develop parasocial relationships with podcast people and TV characters, so it could be that those folks are your substitute social connections. Here are a few suggestions for baby steps away from headphones and towards connection, in case any of them work:

So, my first suggestion is to shift the use of your headphones to more active engagement at times. Since you're also missing social connection, use those headphones to talk to a friend or family member on the phone instead of listening to a podcast. This doesn't work all the time, obviously, like if you need to be engaging with your kids, but there are times that I think are great for talking to family, like when I have a bunch of laundry to fold or some easy (not noisy) cleaning to do.

The next step beyond that is to make some in-person plans with people. Can you run with a friend? Take a walk with a friend? Ride a bike with family? Don't wear headphones in any of these situations.

My next suggestion is to change the content. Instead of podcasts, how about music? It can be motivating and energizing and maybe help you get unhooked from podcasts. Also, since you're a podcast listener, are you listening to serious podcasts on politics or news? Try something lighter. I realized that almost all of my podcast listening was pretty heavy, even when I was supposedly engaged in leisure activities. I switched to less topical and timely and serious content for some of my content consumption, and also started listening to more music. I still listen to news and political content, but less often.

Next, change the listening device. Play music or the radio or NPR or something in the background when you're working or hanging out with your kids, but on a speaker. This is partly to help you break the habit and be a bit more engaged but still have the drone of background noise. Also let your kids choose the music sometimes. It could be a nice way to engage with them?

Finally, I want to suggest just deciding to take a short bike ride or walk without any kind of content or listening or music. Maybe even try it once and see how it feels. One super interesting activity when on your bike is to try to focus on the sounds you do here: the traffic near and far, the sound of your bike wheels, the sound of the wind, the far off noise of a lawnmower, etc. Advanced version: leave your phone at home.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:50 PM on July 25, 2023


For sleep, try a book you’ve read repeatedly before. I can’t sleep unless exhausted without the white noise of a podcast/audiobook but new things keep me up. I listen to either Austen, Agatha Christie or a children’s Bible audiobook and sleep easily. I play on my phone with a timer nearby not headphones as they’re uncomfortable to sleep in.

I like the idea to switch to speakers for background music/radio. It’s less isolating and means other people can lower the volume or pause too.

Earbuds are easy to forget about. Consider switching to big over ear phones that have better sound but can’t easily be worn for hours on end.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 6:29 PM on July 25, 2023 [1 favorite]


Best answer: Not always, but sometimes, I'll find I'm using low doses of something compulsively as a numbing agent when what I really want is something else, but then being "numb enough" keeps me from reaching for what I really want. So I'm too tired to do the things I WANT to do but it's too early to go to bed so I play mindless video games until I'm "allowed" to go to bed. Or I feel isolated so I read fanfic on Tumblr for hours, but then I'm not using that time to connect with one of my real friends.

So... If you didn't have one ear on a constant stream of content, what would you prefer to be doing? Or what are you avoiding thinking about, by having someone else's thoughts to whirr on all day?
posted by Lady Li at 12:28 AM on July 26, 2023 [3 favorites]


If I am in the office at work, unless I am actively in a meeting with others - I generally have headphones on. *** Podcasts and educational content feel productive.

Admittedly I'm not familiar with some of the mental conditions you describe. However, you would never survive in my workplace listening to "podcasts and educational content" all the time. You don't specify, but I hope you have a completely mindless job, like maybe pushing around the mail cart.

So, to partially answer the question - focus on doing your job.
posted by JimN2TAW at 4:48 AM on July 26, 2023 [1 favorite]


I feel this! My daily routine includes several sections with mandatory content accompaniment. Sleeping, chores, eating, even medication (YouTube while I take my vitamins, a specific song when I give myself a shot).

I don’t constantly have audio on while working, since my brain can only handle one stream of words at a time, BUT I’ve found that when I’m struggling to dig in to a work task, the physical ritual of putting on over-the-ear headphones and listening to ambient music (Deep Focus playlist on Spotify) helps get me attuned for the task.

Anyway, I wholeheartedly agree both with “respect your brain’s coping mechanisms” and “modify your brain’s coping mechanisms so you feel better about things”

A few ideas that might resonate with you:

- pick a segment of your day/routine to be audio-free to give yourself a chance to listen to your thoughts and actually process them. It can be great to pair this with physical movement (even walking) or creative output (even aimless doodling or journaling). But even if it’s just your wake-up routine or a specific chore, carve out space for your brain to rest and unwind. If you’re close to burnout (or in the middle of it), unwinding is probably really uncomfortable… but that’s because you’ve put it off for a long time and putting it off longer will make things worse.

- turn off auto-play. At the end of each episode of a show or podcast, make it an active moment for you to check in and see if you need stim or silence.

- ration your media supply. Instead of having an infinite backlog of podcasts and tv shows, limit yourself to “only new episodes of these 6 podcasts” each week or “only 3 seasons of TV this month”. Then when you’re at work or with people, you only have that budget to work with. With this model, you can also set aside a “cheat block” where you don’t have to judge your consumption.

- instead of just suppressing a coping mechanism you don’t like, actively look for ways to create the conditions that will put you in the headspace to better connect with people around you, then work towards putting those conditions in your routine.
posted by itesser at 8:32 AM on July 26, 2023


Response by poster: Thank you all - I found a lot of useful "it's not just me" from your answers as well as tangible stuff to try. Some of the answers that mentioned that this was potentially soothing/avoidance/getting frustrated when interrupted/not being as effective as I usually am were all big lightbulbs for me.

To clarify - I don't think there's anything specifically wrong with what I was doing unless you were getting some static from it. I had semi-frequent ear infections/wax plus a general feeling of overload plus getting frustrated by interruptions and all of them I could reasonably trace to taking in so much content all of the time directly into my ears.

I hadn't mentioned this to anyone in my real life because I felt silly, but mentioning it on the internet (and knowing I'd circle back to say thank you) was the accountability I needed to just...stop for a day and see what happens. Yesterday I didn't use a headphone once, completed a 30 minute bike ride (which was lovely hearing all of nature's sounds), did some work around the yard (same effect) and then slept last night without them (didn't fall asleep as fast and was woken up by a losing-her-mind cat a few times - but I learned I could fall asleep at least.) My head was clearer and I did not feel like I missed that much.

Today I offered myself the chance to use them and I...left them at home when I went to the office. Had probably 5x the amount of conversation with coworkers than I usuall do. I'm going to keep the door open to use them when it feels right but for now - it's kind of nice to be hearing the world around me more.

So thanks for unknowingly being the accountability partners I needed to give it a try - it feels like I am on a path to a more beneficial relationship with my headphones.
posted by openhearted at 9:27 AM on July 26, 2023 [6 favorites]


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