Friend invaded privacy while housesitting
July 21, 2023 10:57 AM   Subscribe

A long-time friend of mine has been house/petsitting for me over the past year and a bit. I have now learned that she has invaded my privacy beyond the expected "snooping in the medicine cabinet" type stuff. To complicate, she has also began gossiping about it to other friends. Looking for scripts to address it/fire her as a housesitter for good, without being cruel.

Ah, I feel like I'm back in high school. Someone has read my diary, snooped on my sex life, and is freely airing my dirty laundry to friends! I'm in a small amount of shock about all of it, and am curious about how best to deal this breach of boundaries on the part of my friend.

I've had this friend (we'll call her M for now) pet-sit for me about half a dozen times, usually 2-4 days at a time (I go to visit out-of-town family semi-regularly). She's great with the animals, and does a good job keeping the place safe and clean for them while I'm away. I pay her an average market rate for a housesitter/pet minder (works out to around 22-30 an hour) , and on top of that I usually add in a small gift as a tip. I'm pretty lax about schedule, as long as she spends the promised amount of time there each day, the when is not a concern. The time expected is also pretty flexible. These are cats and a lizard so there's no walking involved, just cuddles/playtime each day.

I have pretty chill expectations about privacy when someone is watching my house. I'll assume all rooms, even "private" or closed ones will be somewhat snooped in. I also expect my bathroom/medicine cabinet will be examined, and my physical media collection scrutinized. Basically if it's not super well hidden/out of view, I'll assume it's getting looked at. I have no issue with it and don't really care.

But I recently found out from another friend that M has gone beyond the usual snooping, and has also been openly talking about her finds. This other friend came to me because he said he knew something very traumatic about my past, and felt guilty about not hearing it from me/assumed M was not given permission to tell it. He was right. The only 2 places I've ever revealed that story was to my therapist, and in my diary. I ended up asking him if she had said anything else about my life, and sure enough she was telling mutual friends about her speculations on my sexual habits (I'm a semi-closeted lesbian, to add to the invasion of privacy). I've never really told M details about my romantic life.

So, she snooped for this information. She's read one or more of my old journals, and also broke into my private bedroom accoutrements. Both of which are well hidden and would take well beyond the usual passive curiosity to find. My journals are kept stacked on a bottom shelf at the back of my closet, and they are just plain moleskine notebooks labelled with start-end dates. You'd have to really be digging to find them let alone read them, and they contain so much pain and candid sadness I have no clue why someone would willingly read them. I found one of them indeed had been opened, the bookmark ribbon fallen out (I always keep them on the last written page). My sex toys/accessories when not in use/being cleaned are stored in a nondescript cosmetics case pushed under my bed (not visible unless you're literally looking under the bed). There's nothing particularly scandalous to be found, just average stuff and some saucy love notes, but if you know nothing about gay women it might seem fascinating? No idea.

But in any case, I am feeling pretty violated here. Not just because M has snooped and seen all of this, but because she's told a lot to at least 1 friend, and likely more to others. M has never had a great sense of boundaries, and is very open about her own life, but this is just a step beyond acceptable to me. I'm mostly concerned because I am not out to a lot of people, and now might be dealing with being outed against my will.

So I'm looking for some scripts to tell her she will no longer be needed for pet-sitting, and why, without completely blowing up the friendship (to complicate things, she does actually need the money from this situation, so I feel bad for firing her here). Basically some way to articulate how much this hurt me, without accusing her of intentional harm (the snooping may have been intentional, but I don't know how intentional the gossiping was, or if it was done sober, etc). I'd like to give her the chance to apologize before escalating, but I need to stand firm in that she will no longer be given access to my home. I'd also like to find out who knows what if possible, because the trauma she's already shared is a huge deal to me, and if people know, I feel I'm also entitled to knowing who.

Anyone have any suggestions of what to say here? Or any idea WHY someone might do this to their friend? I'm just kind of baffled and in shock.
posted by Pemberly to Human Relations (47 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
 
Why are you trying to preserve the friendship? She is no friend to you. I would warn your circle to not allow her unsupervised in their homes.
posted by cakelite at 10:59 AM on July 21, 2023 [171 favorites]


Unless you're somehow wrong about how they encountered this information, this is an extreme violation and there's no need to moderate your words to avoid being cruel. Cut this toxic person out of your life.
posted by kensington314 at 11:05 AM on July 21, 2023 [63 favorites]


Best answer: Oh my god, it's beyond the pale to even treat strangers the way M has treated you. At least with strangers it's less harmful because you have none of their acquaintances to gossip to!

Don't feel bad for her at all -- her needing money is completely beside the point, and this is so obviously fireable for any employment situation. I don't think you should prioritize at all explaining this to her or asking for an apology; I think you should prioritize protecting yourself (which may be knowing who M told).
posted by watermelon at 11:07 AM on July 21, 2023 [58 favorites]


This is an extreme breach of trust -- I would never be able to maintain a friendship with someone who not only went over my house with a fine-tooth comb looking for dirt, but then spread it around to friends. It's not your responsibility to stay friends with someone like this, nor to make sure she benefits financially from your arrangement. I would send her an email or letter explaining that her gossiping got back to you, and that she is no longer welcome in your home, around your pets, or as your friend.
posted by leftover_scrabble_rack at 11:09 AM on July 21, 2023 [26 favorites]


without completely blowing up the friendship (to complicate things, she does actually need the money from this situation, so I feel bad for firing her here)

She blew up the friendship already, kind of drastically - I think from the way this is written maybe you haven’t fully absorbed just how far beyond what is ok what you have described is. You don’t owe her anything at this point, least of all more money.
posted by advil at 11:09 AM on July 21, 2023 [46 favorites]


I see absolutely no reason to maintain a relationship with someone who seems to be developmentally stuck at the sophomore year of high school. None. Her behavior not only reflects moral weakness but gobsmackingly bad judgment (let's assume that a grown-up person succumbs to the urge to snoop a little; it happens; who would then run around blabbing the traumatic secrets discovered to other people???).

I assume you won't be able to just ghost someone involved in this degree to your life, but you won't get any relief from confronting her, and you can't trust that she'll confess the names of everyone she told, either. The next time you speak just say, "I've learned of the degree to which you've been violating my privacy while I trusted you to have access to my home. Our friendship is over." And stick to that.
posted by praemunire at 11:09 AM on July 21, 2023 [25 favorites]


I'm not you, my situation is not your situation, but since you're asking: I wouldn't say anything to her. Ever. Cut her out of your life.
posted by adamrice at 11:09 AM on July 21, 2023 [19 favorites]


Well. A person would do this if she were a genuine piece of shit. (The most common reason to want to gossip salaciously is that one is desperate for attention, i.e. to have other people be excited to hear what one has to say for a change. But only a genuine piece of shit would violate a friend's trust so flagrantly in pursuit of this motive.)

What to say: "So I heard that you went through my stuff to find my diary and then shared what you read there with a bunch of other people! You're a genuine piece of shit and now everyone knows it. Bye!"
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:09 AM on July 21, 2023 [16 favorites]


Best answer: I'd spend some time interrogating your own responses here, because your measured, "she needs the money" and "I don't want to completely blow up the friendship" reaction is...off. She has absolutely committed a major personal violation, has done psychological harm to you, has threatened your safety and your personal choices on whether to be out or not -- I could continue, but I won't.

I would text her: You've violated my personal safety, and our relationship is over.

I would text our mutual acquaintances: Sitter violated my privacy and personal safety, and did deep, intense-level digging through my personal belongings, including reading my journals and sharing what she'd read. She is not a safe person to be around and I will not be socializing with her further or attending any events where she is present.

And then I would change my locks and the hiding space for my spare key (if that's something she used).

If this feels over-the-top to you? Again, I suggest it is not, and you need to interrogate why you might think it is.
posted by BlahLaLa at 11:16 AM on July 21, 2023 [119 favorites]


She has crossed a line that can't be uncrossed, and no longer needs consideration as a friend let alone as a potential pet-sitter. There are good suggestions here for how to cut her out of your life. However, it sounds like you have numerous friends in common and you certainly don't want her telling your secrets to even more people or, worse, making up something truly awful in order to trash you. To guard against that, you will probably want to let the folks in your circle know why she is persona non grata (without going into too much detail beyond that she greatly violated your privacy by accessing and sharing information that was not made freely available to her) so they have the proper context in mind should she come to them to dish dirt on you. That will convey that they shouldn't try to mend fences between you two, but also should take anything she says about you with a huge grain of salt. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
posted by DrGail at 11:16 AM on July 21, 2023 [6 favorites]


I am so sorry this happened to you. I understand that you are reeling.

Please believe me when I say that this person is not your friend, is not a good person, and deserves none of your charity or consideration about this situation. I am so disgusted for you.

Were I in your shoes I would send them a text (or however you communicate) and say:

"I know you have been snooping in my home. You are fired, and our relationship is over. If you have anything to say in response, go ahead. I will be blocking your number at the end of the day."

I wouldn't go into any detail about how you know this or provide any follow up. I would also very strongly consider changing my locks.

What the HELL.
posted by phunniemee at 11:20 AM on July 21, 2023 [12 favorites]


Best answer: Clearly she doesn't need the money enough to behave appropriately on the job.

I am a very private person. Years ago I had a pet sitter who went into a closet and set up a gaming system they found there, and I still feel like that was a little much even though I also acknowledge it's not a huge breech. This here is just absurdly far beyond that and is honestly probably going to be what makes me finally let that event go, because WHAT. She did what?? And then told other people??

I think your script-writing efforts are best directed towards the rest of your friends/community. Maybe something along the lines of "I recently found out that someone has unfortunately been revealing a lot of very private information about me that they were never supposed to know in the first place. For the record, if you've heard anything like that, I'd rather know you know, and would appreciate you telling me. But at very least please know, if something ever comes up that seems like something I wouldn't want talked about, I'd be deeply grateful it if you stopped the conversation at that point and told whoever it is to knock it off."
posted by teremala at 11:23 AM on July 21, 2023 [20 favorites]


Best answer: I am so very sorry this happened to you. You deserved better from a stranger who you paid to watch your pets, much less someone you considered to be a friend.

I'm not generally an alarmist but I think she's shown she is capable of some really horrible breaches. Some thoughts:

1. Change any passwords that she might have come across by snooping (streaming services, anything she could find by using computers in your house, etc.)

2. Put a lock on your credit so she can't open any accounts using your info (assuming you are in the US, she could have found your social security number on paperwork)

3. Change your physical locks in case she copied your keys

4. Absolutely tell your friends that she dug through your personal papers and possessions and shared deeply personal things with others — they need to know in case they are considering hiring her to pet/house sit
posted by mcduff at 11:31 AM on July 21, 2023 [57 favorites]


It goes without saying she should be dropped like a hot rock.

I am not sure I would tell mutual friends that she dug through your personal papers. If I wanted to take that path, I would simply say she breached your privacy in ways that are beyond the pale. Telling them she read your diary is confirming what she said is true and accurate. If you don't confirm the information, you can maintain plausible deniability.

Also, there is a chance that she took photos of pages of the diary or used a scanning app. I don't mean to be alarmist, but it is something that is a possibility. Not sure what to do about that.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:37 AM on July 21, 2023 [11 favorites]


I'd be tempted to blow up her spot, simply because if she's doing this with you, what is she doing with your other friends?

"Recently, I graciously allowed X into my house. In return, she invaded my privacy and shared several details of my life which were never hers to share. I am sharing this information to prevent this breach of trust happening with others."

Also I don't know what your friend group is like but if they're not especially conservative and they're more freaked out that you're gay than that she's a snoop, I don't know, man...
posted by kingdead at 11:38 AM on July 21, 2023 [10 favorites]


What mcduff said, and do it all before you fire her. I am so sorry that happened to you, that is really chilling.
posted by BibiRose at 12:33 PM on July 21, 2023 [4 favorites]


Response by poster: Thank you so much, everyone. Lots of good advice here to consider. I think I am indeed in the "but I thought we were friends..." level of denial, still, and I'm probably viewing this behaviour a bit too charitably.

There's definitely a balancing act here socially in regards to cutting her off, and less ability to go full atomic in my response... but yeah it's time to not feel guilty for cutting her out after this.
posted by Pemberly at 12:42 PM on July 21, 2023 [21 favorites]


Bear with me here: It is possible that your friend is clueless. Which means that firing her and dropping her as a friend is a kindness to both of you. She needs to understand that such behavior is absolutely unacceptable. Getting fired and losing a friend may possibly get through to her. You will not benefit but this may be the consequences she needs to become a better person. Of course, that is her responsibility, not yours. Just saying that you truly do not need to feel guilty for responding appropriately to her bad behavior. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 12:50 PM on July 21, 2023 [5 favorites]


I really want to echo mcduff's suggestions to protect yourself against possible additional violations. I would change any locks, access codes, passwords, and monitor my credit.
Who knows what this person is capable of and is absolutely not to be trusted.
I am so sorry this happened to you.
posted by fies at 12:57 PM on July 21, 2023 [12 favorites]


How absolutely horrible!

Don’t put anything in writing to her that confirms any of your personal info that she could screenshot and share. Even if you say “how dare you read my diary” she could then leverage it as “proof” that her statements about you were true.

I would just ghost her and say nothing.

I would also make sure key acquaintances hear that she’s a wild and unstable liar who makes up all kinds of salacious details about people’s personal lives to get attention, you won’t repeat any of the nonsense she spews but it’s details about people’s sex lives, past trauma, anything she can think of. Be subtle in how you spread this, do it more by implying it than saying it outright, but definitely spread it, to reduce her credibility if she starts spreading your info.

As satisfying and deserved as it would be to tell her off, I would worry she’d just use that conflict as a source of attention and social capital with others (“look, she’s so mad at me you guys!”) thus further spreading your personal info.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 1:19 PM on July 21, 2023 [9 favorites]


Do your friends know how she came across this information about you? It's hard for me to imagine any normal person thinking it's ok to read a friend's diary and gossip about it. Everyone likes a little gossip, but this is pretty antisocial behavior. It's up to you whether you want to walk back the things she's told your friends or not, but it's ok to own the truth and out her as the shitty person she is. You aren't the freak here.
posted by cakelite at 1:29 PM on July 21, 2023 [3 favorites]


Absolutely change the locks on your home. Someone who does what she did would have no qualms about making a copy of your house key.
posted by mediareport at 1:48 PM on July 21, 2023 [3 favorites]


That's an employee, not a friend. A friend can keep a secret. A snooping employee cannot be trusted with anything.

Change the locks, add hidden security cams, and more. You don't need a script. Just don't schedule her EVER AGAIN. "You already know why" if she ever wants a direct answer.

Consider adding a home security system with smart locks, so you have the option of expiring codes. The sitters gets a limited duration code, no actual keys.
posted by kschang at 2:04 PM on July 21, 2023 [7 favorites]


I am pretty nosy and expected to be on your side here (because sharing stuff is unacceptable) but still basically get your friend's motivations, even if I was a bit ashamed of finding them relatable. Nope! This is beyond. I can alllllllmost imagine engaging in this level of snooping when I was very young and incredibly stupid and either hated or was tragically in love with the victim (I still wouldn't have shared what I found), but I would have been extremely in the wrong even then, and they would have been justified in never speaking to me again! So you have the support even of the nosy crowd.

I'm inclined to think you should tell people that she went into your closet and read your diary, because I would want others in her circle to know. I think that if you say "I have evidence that she went to great lengths to read my personal diary, she made a lot of assumptions about what she found and what you heard was garbled but it came from an invasion of my privacy" you'd be sufficiently shielded. But I can understand not wanting to give it even that much confirmation and I don't think you have an obligation to let other people know she's untrustworthy, certainly not at your own expense.
posted by babelfish at 2:41 PM on July 21, 2023 [16 favorites]


You: Hello M, there's something I need to talk to you about.
M: Okay, what.
You: It has become clear to me that during your last house sitting job you made an effort to find personal journals, read those journals and shared information from those journals with others. Why did you do this?

Wait for response. Allow for uncomfortable silence if necessary

M: I didn't do this. How could you say this? What are you talking about? (or some other defensive response).
You: I know this happened and I am wondering if you have an explanation for it.

Wait and see if a more truthful response is coming. Likely not.

You: I feel as though my trust in you is broken. I don't feel comfortable having you house/pet sit for me any longer. I have to think about what future interactions I'm comfortable with. Right now I feel too violated to feel safe hanging out with you.

Please note the use of "I" statements. Focus on how you feel not on how M is a bad person (which may be the case, but what matters here is the impact not the intention. If there is something M can do to sincerely repair the harm she's done you could also ask for that as well.
posted by brookeb at 2:50 PM on July 21, 2023 [5 favorites]


The plain facts are that this person is untrustworthy. So tell people that. There is absolutely no reason to consider whatever information she put out there as out there. (Given what she did, it’s not a leap to assume exaggerations if not lies.)

Don’t speak or respond to her again, to whatever extent possible. If anyone needs to know what’s up, your story is that you hit your limit with her untrustworthy and unkind ways. Which is the truth. Without any details about your person life, speculation about your life, and other nonsense that ain’t nobody’s business.

Things you can say if mutual friends press:
Just so over it, not worth my time to even think about her
OMG, that friendship went on too long and I did a lot for her and enough is enough
Oh, you know, some people are just exhausting
No good deed goes unpunished. Spent all that time being a friend pd and trying to help and she could meet me even a quarter of the way
posted by Lesser Shrew at 3:54 PM on July 21, 2023 [3 favorites]


You know, I want to add that you should not have any communication with her that can be shared. No text, no emails, no calls.

There is zero reason to think she will tell you who heard what - even if she remembers accurately.

If I were you, and I am not, I would go on about my life as if my personal, private information was still private and whatever she’s spread is reckless gossip and speculation. (Which may not be possible with the friend who came to you.)
posted by Lesser Shrew at 4:03 PM on July 21, 2023 [1 favorite]


This is a horrible breach of your trust and I am so sorry this has happened to you.

Only once have I dealt with a former friend invading privacy/spreading information and that person did nothing as egregious as what has happened to you. We changed all the locks and all our financial information to lock down our physical and financial safety.

In our case, damaging false information was being spread. The three of us that were affected decided on a two-prong strategy: we would factually state what the person had done only to people who needed to know (the police when she broke into our house, our landlord when we needed to change the locks, our close friends if they were implicated in a vile rumour being spread) and to anyone who asked us for salacious details after hearing one of her rumours, we just shrugged and replied "Hmm. Does that sound like something I would do?" or "Does that sound reasonable to you?"

It was reasonably effective in that the rumours died down as there was no drama to propel them, and she eventually became persona non grata as people realised how unhinged her behaviour had been. Eventually she drifted out of the social group.

We were lucky that the three of us had each other to vent to and process this with. I hope you have a trusted person you can vent to. Sending you all my heartfelt wishes in this.
posted by Sauter Vaguely at 5:03 PM on July 21, 2023 [10 favorites]


The level of bizarre here is sky high. I would talk more with the one friend whom you're pretty sure already knows everything and just be honest about how freaky this is because it's really a bit scary, and not just for you depending how enmeshed she is with this friend group. With other friends, I'd probably be all breezy rueful but totally calm as others have advised about what has happened to you. (I mean, I would make a valiant effort to pretend to be such. Actual calm would be hard to achieve.) But I would project worry about her and about other people who are friends with her. I think I'd be telegraphing "do not trust this person" as clearly as possible without going ham and releasing every detail unless the other person started to open up.

Is she having some kind of a break with reality that she would think this was safe for her? Particularly since she needed that money! If she's this unaware of the rules of common decency in human friendships, then who else in the group of friends is potentially in danger?

She has tried to make you the subject of salacious gossip by going to pretty extreme lengths to find and then reveal... well. Not much, honestly. The kinds of things that people tend to write in their diaries and the kinds of things people hide under their beds. I can pretty much guarantee that everybody she gossiped to will be weirded out not because of what they've learned about you but because they have learned it at all. And why have they learned this stuff that they never asked to know and now must try to figure out how to deal with knowing? Well, because they got targeted for an unasked-for infodump by a profoundly strange person who has done a truly creepy thing. I mean, look how everybody here is reacting. So if your friends are whispering, they're not whispering about you. They're whispering about the horror movie villain sniffing around under her friends' beds.
posted by Don Pepino at 5:08 PM on July 21, 2023 [7 favorites]


+1 to suggestions on:

- changing your physical security eg locks
- not exchange any communications in recordable form, except for boring, calm language stuff
- focus on damage control with your friend circle, specifically on the implications of her behaviour to their privacy. (If you do have the skills/talent for it, I think you can even get away with the suggestions that would imply what she's been sharing has been lies) *

* This is the shakiest set of suggestions imo because it's so dependent on yourself and your friend circle. Truly agree tht you shd have someone to vent and workshop stuff with. If she's been so bizarrely invasive and so thirsty for gossip as evidenced, a number of the suggested dialogue is just going to feed her drama llama side (whatever is going on, she sounds ripe to be in a reality tv cast). So, the most effective appeal in general would be to cast her behaviour in how that would be a threat to these people you call friends (of which only one - one! - checked in with you). I like the suggestions that make you sound unbothered and as much as possible, imply that while she did rummage through your things she couldn't find anything juicy so she started making up stories (though only do this low-key whisper campaign if you have the mind for it).
posted by cendawanita at 6:54 PM on July 21, 2023 [1 favorite]


This is such an invasion. I'm so sorry. In terms of why this person did it I think they are so in the midst of addiction, depression, self loathing or a relative kind of poverty (the type that seems self imposed because the person is otherwise educated and appears functional) in comparison to their peers that they do not see beyond their own immediate desires.

They have a profound lack of empathy for you and see you as a source of money and entertainment. They don't think you are a person with real problems because you have a decent place to live, income to spend, pets, and a family. They literally do not believe your problems are problems even after reading your diary because you have a stable structure and own things.

Think of the kind of robber that robs old people. The robber is a pretty fucked up person, but they do it because they see the victim as a series of weak points they use to satisfy their own needs. Everything is a crime of opportunity when you lack empathy. Your housesitter is like that robber but they robbed you of your secrets for nothing but their own entertainment.

Analogizing this to a crime of opportunity means certain precautions will help. I'd consider any credit cards in the house and written passwords compromised. Get all new ones. As others have suggested change locks and lock down credit.

I'd talk to a therapist about it. One question they will help you pin down is how bad is it that people know this stuff about you? It's important to determine whether the breach means you are now physically unsafe in society versus being emotionally less safe.

As for the housesitter, I'd wait awhile to talk to them. Figure out your safety situation first.
posted by jello at 7:55 PM on July 21, 2023 [5 favorites]


Gently, the fact that you initially wanted to keep her as a friend after a breech of privacy this severe is bizarre. You are underreacting and it concerns me that your gut reaction here was to keep this person in your life. If you have the means to unpack your reaction with a therapist and explore whether keeping toxic people in your life even after they have violated a major boundary is a pattern for you, I would strongly encourage you to do so.
posted by Amy93 at 8:45 PM on July 21, 2023 [6 favorites]


I would not try to suggest she made things up. I thought that sounded like a great idea when I first read it, but it's begun bothering me since. I don't think you should allow this person to force you to lie to your friends. It should have been your choice whether to reveal it to them, but now that it's revealed, don't lie about it. I would help them put it into perspective, though. I would tell them that it's old news.

Like, "Meh, okay if she thinks it's hot goss, but this is mostly stuff from long ago that I worked through ages ago. It's not causing me problems now and it certainly isn't anything I felt any need to burden my friends with. I'm annoyed she bothered you about it. That's what therapists and journals are for! And I'm not sure what's going on with her that she spent so much time ferreting out my old moleskines that I'd stuffed in the closet, but it was superweird she did that, almost like a home invasion or something. I changed all my passwords and called a locksmith just in case it's a stalking thing. Probably overkill but I figured you can't be too careful. It's just... so weird, you know? I thought I knew her and knew what kind of person she is, but I guess I didn't at all. So, word to the wise, I'd be careful and keep things very surface level with her for a while. Anyway, whatever to all that mess. What's going on with you, I heard you got a new puppy!"

We don't know, do we, that she told anyone other than the friend who came to you? Sorry if I misread. If there are other people she told, I don't blame the other friends for not handling it the way the one guy did. They're probably just trying to keep from doing further harm. She might've told them not to tell a soul and that they were the only person she was going to tell, and if they believed that then it would be kinder to not reveal that they know anything. I would in their position probably be reeling for a while trying to figure out what the hell I was supposed to do with this load of information that's none of my damn business. I might be overwhelmed and not know how to handle it. All I know for sure is that I would be extremely pissed off at the deranged cat sitter who out of the blue dropped this steaming pile in my lap that I didn't ask for and have no idea what to do with.

As for what to say to her, I would say nothing, ever again. And I would change the locks, cancel the credit cards, and change all the passwords. Basically assume she pulled a Gene Takavic scheme and act accordingly.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:52 PM on July 21, 2023 [9 favorites]


I second Rock 'em Sock 'em's responses. Cut her off cold, ignore, do not speak to her again. I get the vibe of "oh, I don't want to cause a fuss" here even though this is pretty much the literal definition of fuss to be had. If you can't stand open, public blowup, then give her the cut direct (look it up), change your locks and let her slowly figure it out for herself.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:02 PM on July 21, 2023 [2 favorites]


If it's helpful to you, when speaking about this to your friends, you could say she's now gossiping about you after going to great lengths to unearth your writing journals (not personal journals, not diaries). It remains bizarre behavior, and you'd still want to distance yourself from her as you alert others in your circle. You're just not particularly interested in discussing the content of the gossip.

If she's unwell in some way, someone who isn't her target can check on her.

I'm so sorry your privacy's been invaded in such a deliberate, malicious fashion by someone you trusted.
posted by Iris Gambol at 10:44 PM on July 21, 2023 [3 favorites]


To give some context on how much of an egregious breach of your friendship this is, I've been reading MeFi for nearly 20 years, and I don't think I've EVER seen so much righteous shock and anger from people answering a "is this a betrayal and how do I deal?" question.

There's not a lot to add to the excellent advice above except to echo it and say holy fucking shit, that is so unbelievably beyond the pale that I can't even. Just.....wow.

FWIW, any genuine friends she told will completely understand why you're cutting her off and none of them will be judging you for your past trauma or your sexuality. Real friends won't use that info except to help inform how they care for you and support you in the moments when you need care and support.
posted by underclocked at 12:40 AM on July 22, 2023 [7 favorites]


One more thought. People you care about will understand. This person is not exactly a con artist as the term is understood. But, in a way that is at least con artist-adjacent, they have taken advantage of your very natural assumptions that most people's motives are good. You are not in the wrong for being taken advantage of by that person. Your tendency to be generous with them and indeed to minimize what they have done initially is something that speaks well about you! Look at all those TV shows about Anna Delvey and the Tinder Swindler and even Dirty John. Everyone who got caught up in those things may have been generous and understanding to a fault but they were all decent people, they were capable in other areas of their lives and most people would want to be friends with them. Do not feel bad about this.
posted by BibiRose at 5:18 AM on July 22, 2023 [3 favorites]


I fully support the outrage. This is massive, huge, unacceptable betrayal. I'm so, so sorry this has been done to you.
posted by theora55 at 9:13 AM on July 22, 2023 [2 favorites]


Depends on the social circle, but I think vague, ominous statements like "she violated my privacy and breached my trust" or coming up with elaborate explanations to maintain plausible deniability about the truthfulness of what she's spreading will all stir up even more gossip. Simply, "when she was housesitting for me she went through my stuff", "she's been speculating about my sex life with her friends", and "she's been making up stories about me" should be enough.
posted by airmail at 10:56 AM on July 22, 2023 [8 favorites]


Make sure she didn't steal any physical things either.
posted by wondermouse at 12:14 PM on July 22, 2023 [4 favorites]


I can't stop thinking about this, and I'm so sorry you were betrayed in such a significant way.

I'm not sure you need to say more than 'my housesitter was trying to spread rumors and it got back to me'. That's more than enough reason to cut ties, and signal that person cannot be trusted.

What are they going to say, "Oh, I know such and such is true because I read their diary/rummaged through their toy storage?"

Awful. I wish you good, trustworthy friends as you process all this!

ETA: I don't think the snooper deserves an explanation. They know what they did, and can live with the consequences of their actions.
posted by Space Kitty at 12:55 PM on July 22, 2023


Adding my voice to the chorus saying this was a major violation and I suspect you are still in shock about what happened. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

you could say she's now gossiping about you after going to great lengths to unearth your writing journals (not personal journals, not diaries)

This is what I would say if I wanted to maintain some doubt/deniability about the stuff this person is spreading. She probably embellishes things anyway so let her be the unreliable narrator.

You owe this person nothing, not even an explanation of why you stopped speaking to them, let alone hiring them to take care of your home and your beloved pets. This person is dangerous, to you and to anyone else who trusts her.

On the subject of what she found, though, I'd be very surprised if your friends are anything other than outraged on your behalf. Most of us have private lives, histories, and even toy collections, and making a big deal of out any of it, let alone gossiping about it, is embarrassing at best. I'll bet your friends are not shocked about anything except her egregious behaviour.
posted by rpfields at 2:59 PM on July 22, 2023 [1 favorite]


this is just a step beyond acceptable to me

You've gotten some really good advice. I want to add one thing: this is antisocial behavior. Scrutinizing your books and media collection is normal petsitter nosiness/curiosity, on par with looking at how much your friend tipped on their half of a split bill. Reading your private journals, snooping on your sex toys, and then telling other people in your social circle about what she found is so far outside of normal, it's like stealing your friend's credit card and buying yourself a TV.

M blew up your friendship. This is not a misunderstanding, or cultural difference, or personal preference about privacy. M did something invasive, violating, and cruel. You deserve friendships with people who have basic respect for you and your privacy, and who treat you with kindness and honesty. If you discontinue the friendship and someone questions it, "She snooped through my private journals and other personal items in my home, then told others about what she found," should elicit a response of, "Oh my god that's awful! I'm so sorry she did that to you!" This isn't an ambiguous, "we can't assign blame" kind of situation. M made choices that blew up your friendship.
posted by theotherdurassister at 3:04 PM on July 22, 2023 [8 favorites]


In security clearance terms, housesitting comes with an implicit need-to-know access and non-disclosure agreement. You can obviously see things in plain sight, you can look for the spatula in drawers in the kitchen, look for the blanket in the linen closet, etc. You don't ransack the house looking for "interesting" things, and if you accidentally end up with something obviously personal in your hand you put it down immediately. And then you keep what you know to yourself forever.

She broke both rules. I guess you can't put her in jail, but So Fucking Fired And I'm Never Trusting You Again is a low, low sentence.
posted by ctmf at 7:25 PM on July 22, 2023 [4 favorites]


Send her an sms,
Friend,
Given that you’re such an avid reader, I thought you might be interested in my latest journal entry. Then snap a page of it where it basically says,

Dear Diary, today I fired X for violating my privacy in the most reprehensible way. She’s officially dead to me.

This person doesn’t deserve anything else.
posted by Jubey at 9:35 PM on July 22, 2023 [2 favorites]


I will say that if your other friends are decent, they won’t spread your information. I have been on dates a few times where the person told me potentially humiliating private information about mutual friends, I guess trying to build intimacy.

I actually enjoy gossip more than the average person but I have never shared what I learned about those people because their confidentiality was so egregiously and unfairly breached to me. I love talking about what someone did to me or in public, but hearing about their private life from their friend was not ok and didn’t feel right, so I’ve kept that information completely private and it counted as a serious point against the people who told me.

The gossip I share related to that whole thing is, “Darryl? That guy is awful, he told me personal info about his ex girlfriend, knowing fully well that I know her too and she would never want me to see her that way. It was so disloyal and shitty of him, he sucks!” Her secrets are safe with me.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 12:26 PM on July 23, 2023 [3 favorites]


There's a lot of good advice above about talking to your mutual friends.

This person doesn't seem to care if they get a reputation as a gossip. I would wonder what else they are doing.

Of course, change your passwords and lock your credit. Assume this person already knows anything you have written down anywhere and any device they could access. You should change your bank accounts and credit cards if you have any of this info in written form.

You might want to let neighbors know this person should not be around your house. She may have even gone to the trouble of introducing herself to neighbors, either telling them she was the house sitter or even lying about being a relative of yours. She might be able to do a lot to your house if the neighbors think she is supposed to be there.

Tell your veterinarian not to give any information to this person, and make sure if your pets are chipped that they are still registered in your own name, phone, etc. If your pets aren't chipped you might want to check and make sure that's still the case.

Protect any friends or relatives who live elsewhere from scams. She might have been able to get enough information about you to plausibly pretend to be you having a problem on your travels, or claim that she is a friend helping you if you are in the hospital or something. I know that seems far fetched but what she did is so strange and violating. And you yourself seemed to think that a person would not want to read so much of your journals, but if a person was wanting to scam people for money they might really want the information from reading them.

Also, block this person everywhere and lock down all of your social media as much as possible. Be very careful about sharing any information about your travels in the future, this is not someone you want to know your travel schedule.

Keep in mind that for many financial and tax matters, things such as pin numbers are mailed to your address and are treated as verification that a person with the pin number should have access to accounts.

I'm a semi-closeted lesbian, to add to the invasion of privacy

You need to carefully think over what hazards you would be facing if this information is revealed and come up with a plan. The situation is really different if, for example, grandma would be shocked v.s. your family or government would commit violence towards you. I don't have any idea what you are facing but maybe someone in the local LGBTQ community can help you come up with a plan that is suited for your cultural and governmental environment.

she does actually need the money from this situation, so I feel bad for firing her here

I don't think she is going to feel bad for you if you experience consequences from her actions. Guess if she needed the money she could have not done all these things.
posted by yohko at 7:23 PM on July 24, 2023 [2 favorites]


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