How to help my mother
June 8, 2023 9:03 AM Subscribe
I'm 33, my mother is 65. I want to help her ... but I'm also sure that if I could get my life sorted, she would be fine.
Short preamble is--I'm a huge failure and terrible person who spent more than ten years throwing away every single opportunity that has ever come my way. I have just finished my first 12 months at a job WITHOUT being fired, so that is good. I am aiming at more and better employment as time moves forward.
My mother has always been someone who is good at arguing and defending her rights. During the past few years, she has become quite recalcitrant and believes stuff like antitrans stuff, that Trump is good and has been betrayed by people, and that Biden was elevated to POTUS by some people and not by the vote of Americans.
Also, now, whenever we take the underground together, or are out together, I notice that when someone does something not good, she will complain about it really loudly. I don't disagree with her that this behaviour that we see is awful and these people ought to GTFO. But I also don't see the point in being so loud about it.
Anyway, I'm not here to ask about how to correct her manners, I just want her to stop watching unpleasant videos and reading the Daily Mail.
But, when I tell her that "Oh, Trans people have their right to exist" or very very milquetoast things like, "We can't judge trans people. Why don't we go and talk to some?", she gets really mad and refuses to listen.
Bonus--my mother actually has said she doesn't look forward to anything and doesn't enjoy anything in life because life is deeply miserable. She just wants to see me get it together before she dies.
I carry significant amounts of remorse over being a shit in the past. I think I've aged her immeasurably and given her dementia. You just have to believe that I really did this like 10 times as much as you can imagine. Imagine the worst, worst adult child ever. I was also a really horrible teenager and child... :[
So, just, besides maintaining employment and increasing my income, is there a way to pull her out of this spiral of antiwokeness and Tucker Carlson branded brainsickness?
I just do not want this stuff to intensify, because I think its a bad way to exist in this world and I also don't want her to go to her grave as a distorted image of the person she was. (But then again, which one of us is not going to do that?)
Short preamble is--I'm a huge failure and terrible person who spent more than ten years throwing away every single opportunity that has ever come my way. I have just finished my first 12 months at a job WITHOUT being fired, so that is good. I am aiming at more and better employment as time moves forward.
My mother has always been someone who is good at arguing and defending her rights. During the past few years, she has become quite recalcitrant and believes stuff like antitrans stuff, that Trump is good and has been betrayed by people, and that Biden was elevated to POTUS by some people and not by the vote of Americans.
Also, now, whenever we take the underground together, or are out together, I notice that when someone does something not good, she will complain about it really loudly. I don't disagree with her that this behaviour that we see is awful and these people ought to GTFO. But I also don't see the point in being so loud about it.
Anyway, I'm not here to ask about how to correct her manners, I just want her to stop watching unpleasant videos and reading the Daily Mail.
But, when I tell her that "Oh, Trans people have their right to exist" or very very milquetoast things like, "We can't judge trans people. Why don't we go and talk to some?", she gets really mad and refuses to listen.
Bonus--my mother actually has said she doesn't look forward to anything and doesn't enjoy anything in life because life is deeply miserable. She just wants to see me get it together before she dies.
I carry significant amounts of remorse over being a shit in the past. I think I've aged her immeasurably and given her dementia. You just have to believe that I really did this like 10 times as much as you can imagine. Imagine the worst, worst adult child ever. I was also a really horrible teenager and child... :[
So, just, besides maintaining employment and increasing my income, is there a way to pull her out of this spiral of antiwokeness and Tucker Carlson branded brainsickness?
I just do not want this stuff to intensify, because I think its a bad way to exist in this world and I also don't want her to go to her grave as a distorted image of the person she was. (But then again, which one of us is not going to do that?)
I was an unbelievably good kid, the world's easiest teenager, never in any trouble, excelled at school, valedictorian, got into an elite college, graduated, struggled to find a job but was fully independent and took care of myself, haven't relied on my parents for any support monetary or otherwise, am a successful self sufficient adult, homeowner, dog owner, productive and well liked member of society... You name it, I am just so fucking great.
My parents still have abhorrent politics.
Edit to add: I went to therapy for a while about 10 years ago and the most useful and productive takeaway from that for me was that there is literally nothing I can do to make the people in my family better. The only thing I can control is my reaction to them.
posted by phunniemee at 9:22 AM on June 8, 2023 [33 favorites]
My parents still have abhorrent politics.
Edit to add: I went to therapy for a while about 10 years ago and the most useful and productive takeaway from that for me was that there is literally nothing I can do to make the people in my family better. The only thing I can control is my reaction to them.
posted by phunniemee at 9:22 AM on June 8, 2023 [33 favorites]
I read over your posts, and you sound a lot like me (as in - an extreme ruminator with OCD). I think the first step towards not failing would be to get that under control - when I felt like a failure, I’d cause more failure by paying attention to the wrong things. I’d assume I was going to fail when I wasn’t, and then do something crazy to “prevent failing” that caused me to fail for real.
I believe that you were a shit when you were younger (I was, too) - but I’ve never met a shit who hadn’t experienced some sort of trauma to make them that way. (I have heard of random psychopath kids, but never personally met one.) I don’t think blaming her is the right approach, but I do think it’s quite probable she contributed. I don’t blame my parents for how I am, and I can understand why they made the choices they did, but I can also see how those choices went a long way towards making me the shit I was. So now I no longer feel like I was this awful child my poor, innocent parents were cursed with.
As for how to get over rumination, psychedelics (MDMA, LSD, ketamine, mushrooms, nitrous) helped me a lot.
posted by wheatlets at 9:23 AM on June 8, 2023 [10 favorites]
I believe that you were a shit when you were younger (I was, too) - but I’ve never met a shit who hadn’t experienced some sort of trauma to make them that way. (I have heard of random psychopath kids, but never personally met one.) I don’t think blaming her is the right approach, but I do think it’s quite probable she contributed. I don’t blame my parents for how I am, and I can understand why they made the choices they did, but I can also see how those choices went a long way towards making me the shit I was. So now I no longer feel like I was this awful child my poor, innocent parents were cursed with.
As for how to get over rumination, psychedelics (MDMA, LSD, ketamine, mushrooms, nitrous) helped me a lot.
posted by wheatlets at 9:23 AM on June 8, 2023 [10 favorites]
I have a feeling that this is a concept that may break your brain, but I'm going to try anyway:
You've developed the theory that your mother will stop being mean if you somehow stop being a screwup. But - maybe you have it the wrong way round, and what's really going on is that you only think you're a screwup BECAUSE your mother is being mean.
Seriously - people who are trying to better themselves need support and encouragement, and instead your mother complains about every last damn thing that happens. How can you be expected to thrive and improve yourself in those conditions?
Your mother is a grown and voting adult. She needs to take on some responsibility for sorting her own attitude out - her emotional health is not your responsibility, and it never was. We are all of us each responsible for our own emotional well-being - and your mother never learned how to take care of herself in this way, and that's why she is using you as a crutch and that's in turn making you not be able to take care of your own self.
Improve yourself if you like, but do it for your own sake. It's your mother's job to sort her own shit out.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:32 AM on June 8, 2023 [44 favorites]
You've developed the theory that your mother will stop being mean if you somehow stop being a screwup. But - maybe you have it the wrong way round, and what's really going on is that you only think you're a screwup BECAUSE your mother is being mean.
Seriously - people who are trying to better themselves need support and encouragement, and instead your mother complains about every last damn thing that happens. How can you be expected to thrive and improve yourself in those conditions?
Your mother is a grown and voting adult. She needs to take on some responsibility for sorting her own attitude out - her emotional health is not your responsibility, and it never was. We are all of us each responsible for our own emotional well-being - and your mother never learned how to take care of herself in this way, and that's why she is using you as a crutch and that's in turn making you not be able to take care of your own self.
Improve yourself if you like, but do it for your own sake. It's your mother's job to sort her own shit out.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:32 AM on June 8, 2023 [44 favorites]
My advice, based in personal experience: Don't change her. Decide what you can stand and what our boundaries are, and then just hang out with her without going past your boundaries.
I was a horrible child. Beyond horrible. A drunk and a failure, expensive as all get-out for my parents, beyond disappointing, and selfish. My parents' vicious arguments at the dinner table were usually about me (until they were about my father's drinking and he left).
I had nothing to do with my mother's fatphobia, classism, decision to suddenly convert to Episcopalianism after a lifetime as an agnostic (and then become an Episcopal priest!), or her Parkinson's. (I was lucky: her politics were as progressive as mine, so we rarely disagreed catastrophically on that).
I did feel that I owed her amends for the actual grief I gave her, but I figured out that my amends consisted of being there for her when she started being impaired. I didn't have to change her mind, and I didn't argue with her except when she wanted to argue about something unimportant (pizza with shrimp on it! how many tubes of toothpaste she actually had already, so we didn't have to buy more, dammit!). I wasn't going to change her, but I could be there week in and week out, while protecting my boundaries like a monster.
The only time I ever really got mad at her was when she asked me when I had gotten so patient. I wasn't patient. I was just not going to fight with her any more, and I stuck to it.
On the whole, I'm glad I did it that way. I got to be there with her when she died.
I'm not doing the same for my 93-year-old father, mind you. My sister can have him.
posted by Peach at 9:34 AM on June 8, 2023 [4 favorites]
I was a horrible child. Beyond horrible. A drunk and a failure, expensive as all get-out for my parents, beyond disappointing, and selfish. My parents' vicious arguments at the dinner table were usually about me (until they were about my father's drinking and he left).
I had nothing to do with my mother's fatphobia, classism, decision to suddenly convert to Episcopalianism after a lifetime as an agnostic (and then become an Episcopal priest!), or her Parkinson's. (I was lucky: her politics were as progressive as mine, so we rarely disagreed catastrophically on that).
I did feel that I owed her amends for the actual grief I gave her, but I figured out that my amends consisted of being there for her when she started being impaired. I didn't have to change her mind, and I didn't argue with her except when she wanted to argue about something unimportant (pizza with shrimp on it! how many tubes of toothpaste she actually had already, so we didn't have to buy more, dammit!). I wasn't going to change her, but I could be there week in and week out, while protecting my boundaries like a monster.
The only time I ever really got mad at her was when she asked me when I had gotten so patient. I wasn't patient. I was just not going to fight with her any more, and I stuck to it.
On the whole, I'm glad I did it that way. I got to be there with her when she died.
I'm not doing the same for my 93-year-old father, mind you. My sister can have him.
posted by Peach at 9:34 AM on June 8, 2023 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Oh hey, I will not threadsit as its against the rules. But my mother is not being mean. She is a good person, just epistemologically impaired and gets mad when you try to get her to see the other side. But beyond that I couldn't have asked for a better mother. So that's where it gets difficult .... how do I help her to see the light and stop reading the Daily Mail?
posted by Didnt_do_enough at 9:38 AM on June 8, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Didnt_do_enough at 9:38 AM on June 8, 2023 [1 favorite]
Honestly, you probably don't. A woman in her sixties is entirely capable of making her own choices about what media to consume, even if that media is unpleasant. I think you would be better off focusing on not engaging with her when she wants to discuss the shitty things she's watching and reading. Maybe if you wanted to go a step past that you could try supplementing with better stuff you suggest watching or reading together, to ensure she's also hearing from non-awful sources of information.
It's okay if you can't or don't have the energy to do this. It is not your fault that your mother is like this, and it's not your job to fix it.
(It is your job to make sure that if you do try to fix it, it's not at the expense of other people. I have no idea what you meant by "why don't we go and talk to some trans people" but if that was anything you had an actual intention of doing with your mom and not just something you were saying to have something to say - no. Trans people do not exist to educate your mother. Don't expose trans people to your mother's transphobia for the sake of her growth as a person. If you are good friends with a particular trans person who is up for being your personal ambassador to transphobes, then sure! I guess! let them go see how much they can charm your mother, but otherwise your mom needs to learn in other ways.)
posted by Stacey at 9:46 AM on June 8, 2023 [4 favorites]
It's okay if you can't or don't have the energy to do this. It is not your fault that your mother is like this, and it's not your job to fix it.
(It is your job to make sure that if you do try to fix it, it's not at the expense of other people. I have no idea what you meant by "why don't we go and talk to some trans people" but if that was anything you had an actual intention of doing with your mom and not just something you were saying to have something to say - no. Trans people do not exist to educate your mother. Don't expose trans people to your mother's transphobia for the sake of her growth as a person. If you are good friends with a particular trans person who is up for being your personal ambassador to transphobes, then sure! I guess! let them go see how much they can charm your mother, but otherwise your mom needs to learn in other ways.)
posted by Stacey at 9:46 AM on June 8, 2023 [4 favorites]
So that's where it gets difficult .... how do I help her to see the light and stop reading the Daily Mail?
You need to accept what you can and can't control - you can't control her seeing the light or choosing to read what she wants. From your original question - you also can't control whether it intensifies, whether or not it's a bad way to exist in the world, or what her image is. You also don't control non-sequiturs like her complaining about things loudly in public. And you don't own another person's thoughts and actions no matter how much of a screw up you were.
By focusing on what she thinks and does - you are setting yourself up for endless conflict and strife trying to control things that are hers to control.
You can share alternative sources of news, push back on things she says that are inaccurate, and appeal to how her views impact you. If she doesn't respond well to it or incorporate it into her thinking and reading - that is her responsibility, not yours.
My read of this is - you should focus on how to process and let go of the guilt and shame you feel about the previous decade. It sounds like you have gotten your life substantially on track and that is worth celebrating - but shame is toxic and learning to deal with it and let it go will do a lot more for you, your mom, and the world at large than taking ownership over another's thoughts and actions. The usual "therapy is good for this" advice applies.
posted by openhearted at 10:05 AM on June 8, 2023 [2 favorites]
You need to accept what you can and can't control - you can't control her seeing the light or choosing to read what she wants. From your original question - you also can't control whether it intensifies, whether or not it's a bad way to exist in the world, or what her image is. You also don't control non-sequiturs like her complaining about things loudly in public. And you don't own another person's thoughts and actions no matter how much of a screw up you were.
By focusing on what she thinks and does - you are setting yourself up for endless conflict and strife trying to control things that are hers to control.
You can share alternative sources of news, push back on things she says that are inaccurate, and appeal to how her views impact you. If she doesn't respond well to it or incorporate it into her thinking and reading - that is her responsibility, not yours.
My read of this is - you should focus on how to process and let go of the guilt and shame you feel about the previous decade. It sounds like you have gotten your life substantially on track and that is worth celebrating - but shame is toxic and learning to deal with it and let it go will do a lot more for you, your mom, and the world at large than taking ownership over another's thoughts and actions. The usual "therapy is good for this" advice applies.
posted by openhearted at 10:05 AM on June 8, 2023 [2 favorites]
But my mother is not being mean. She is a good person, just epistemologically impaired and gets mad when you try to get her to see the other side.
Pulling that out because in my own experience, good people don't "get mad" when you try to ask them to empathize with others.
I will grant that maybe calling her "mean" was a poor word choice. So to rephrase: your mother may have done some good things for you, but she is also doing some bad things that are negatively affecting you.
And you need to take care of your own self first. You know how when you're on a plane, and they're telling you about those masks you put on if the air pressure drops? They always say to put your own mask on first before you help others. You need to start thinking like that - you want your mother to change her attitude, but she doesn't have any reason to do so because you're still at her beck and call. And being at her beck and call is affecting you because she has a negative attitude towards many other people.
So.....stop being at her beck and call. Remove yourself from that attitude. Instead of trying to get her to see the other side and stop reading the Daily Mail, try telling her that you don't want to hear it, and if she keeps talking like that, you're going to end your visit. And then....do it. She can keep thinking about how Trump is a misunderstood genius all she wants, you're just not going to be there to listen to her while she's doing it.
Not only will that remove you from what she's saying, suddenly she now has a REASON to stop reading the DAILY MAIL.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:10 AM on June 8, 2023 [2 favorites]
Pulling that out because in my own experience, good people don't "get mad" when you try to ask them to empathize with others.
I will grant that maybe calling her "mean" was a poor word choice. So to rephrase: your mother may have done some good things for you, but she is also doing some bad things that are negatively affecting you.
And you need to take care of your own self first. You know how when you're on a plane, and they're telling you about those masks you put on if the air pressure drops? They always say to put your own mask on first before you help others. You need to start thinking like that - you want your mother to change her attitude, but she doesn't have any reason to do so because you're still at her beck and call. And being at her beck and call is affecting you because she has a negative attitude towards many other people.
So.....stop being at her beck and call. Remove yourself from that attitude. Instead of trying to get her to see the other side and stop reading the Daily Mail, try telling her that you don't want to hear it, and if she keeps talking like that, you're going to end your visit. And then....do it. She can keep thinking about how Trump is a misunderstood genius all she wants, you're just not going to be there to listen to her while she's doing it.
Not only will that remove you from what she's saying, suddenly she now has a REASON to stop reading the DAILY MAIL.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:10 AM on June 8, 2023 [2 favorites]
I think I've aged her immeasurably and given her dementia.
This is not something that happens from being a bad kid. You might need to unpack that in therapy. It could also help you draw healthy boundaries with your mom.
posted by soelo at 11:59 AM on June 8, 2023 [12 favorites]
This is not something that happens from being a bad kid. You might need to unpack that in therapy. It could also help you draw healthy boundaries with your mom.
posted by soelo at 11:59 AM on June 8, 2023 [12 favorites]
Are you still living at home? I think your previous questions suggested that you were, and if that’s still the case, it feels like prioritising getting your own place would be helpful here. Not because there’s anything wrong with living with your parents per se, but it is definitely much easier to be less riled by ageing parents’ developing “quirks” if you can walk away from them.
You did mention last year that you felt compelled to take a certain degree course against your will because if you didn’t, your mom would yell at you. That also kind of hints that you’re pretty enmeshed in your role as “person who fixes whatever’s wrong with mom, regardless of what’s good for me,” so a little space would be a great step forward on that front, too.
Aaand… give yourself a break. Your posting history suggests someone that’s wanted so hard to do the right thing for a long time, has tried your utmost, but found it incredibly difficult to find a path in life. That’s not you being bad, or ruining other people’s lives, it’s you deserving support and sympathy.
Even if you were constantly breaking the law and being violent and spending your family’s entire riches on trifles, that doesn’t drive people to read the Daily Mail. They make that choice themselves.
This idea that her life has been made a misery by you doing “the wrong thing” - it kind of feels like this idea may be coming from her, and would really repay unpacking in therapy.
posted by penguin pie at 12:10 PM on June 8, 2023 [9 favorites]
You did mention last year that you felt compelled to take a certain degree course against your will because if you didn’t, your mom would yell at you. That also kind of hints that you’re pretty enmeshed in your role as “person who fixes whatever’s wrong with mom, regardless of what’s good for me,” so a little space would be a great step forward on that front, too.
Aaand… give yourself a break. Your posting history suggests someone that’s wanted so hard to do the right thing for a long time, has tried your utmost, but found it incredibly difficult to find a path in life. That’s not you being bad, or ruining other people’s lives, it’s you deserving support and sympathy.
Even if you were constantly breaking the law and being violent and spending your family’s entire riches on trifles, that doesn’t drive people to read the Daily Mail. They make that choice themselves.
This idea that her life has been made a misery by you doing “the wrong thing” - it kind of feels like this idea may be coming from her, and would really repay unpacking in therapy.
posted by penguin pie at 12:10 PM on June 8, 2023 [9 favorites]
As others in this thread have said, eventually you have to accept the fact that you can't control the behavior of your family members. You can only control your reaction to said behavior. In all my years of therapy, this realization has given me the most peace of mind, in regards to dealing with various difficult family members.
posted by carnival_night_zone at 1:14 PM on June 8, 2023
posted by carnival_night_zone at 1:14 PM on June 8, 2023
I'm going to let a far more eloquent writer express the gist of my response to you:
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
Wild Geese by Mary Oliver
posted by interbeing at 1:20 PM on June 8, 2023 [15 favorites]
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
Wild Geese by Mary Oliver
posted by interbeing at 1:20 PM on June 8, 2023 [15 favorites]
Would just like to say that, reading how you phrased your question, it's evident that your level of consciousness right now is more aware, self-reflective, and compassionate than (according to you) in your former years.
So that itself is already a wonderful achievement, to be acknowledged and celebrated.
posted by cotesdurhone at 5:15 PM on June 8, 2023 [2 favorites]
So that itself is already a wonderful achievement, to be acknowledged and celebrated.
posted by cotesdurhone at 5:15 PM on June 8, 2023 [2 favorites]
Okay, so I see two questions here.
First, can your present behavior better your mother's life?
I'd say: Depending on her personality, to some extent. But you also need to set appropriate boundaries as far as how much time you're willing to spend, and what you're willing to put up with.
Second, a corollary, how to deprogram her from being brainwashed by 'new media' en masse?
A far trickier question. One, as her son, you've far less ability and power to do so. Parents tend to heed their children a lot less than others.
Two, surely there are plenty of threads on AskMF addressing this question.
Good luck, and (you as well as your mom) be well!
posted by cotesdurhone at 5:23 PM on June 8, 2023
First, can your present behavior better your mother's life?
I'd say: Depending on her personality, to some extent. But you also need to set appropriate boundaries as far as how much time you're willing to spend, and what you're willing to put up with.
Second, a corollary, how to deprogram her from being brainwashed by 'new media' en masse?
A far trickier question. One, as her son, you've far less ability and power to do so. Parents tend to heed their children a lot less than others.
Two, surely there are plenty of threads on AskMF addressing this question.
Good luck, and (you as well as your mom) be well!
posted by cotesdurhone at 5:23 PM on June 8, 2023
You are overfocused on ways your life is imperfect. Stuff happens, people struggle, life can be hard to figure out. Life would feel better if you saw some of your good points, strengths, if you gave yourself a break. You're maybe depressed, and medication might help. Your Mom? Her shitty politics have nothing to do with your achievements and/or lack thereof. I'm a parent, my worth is not based on whether my kid ever gets a Pulitzer or gets indicted. Yeah, stress over my kid wore me out at times. That's part of the job.
Some old people weirdly regress into shitty politics. A person I know is starting to experience dementia, and it makes her experience of life confusing, because she really doesn't have great short-term memory, so she explains things however she can, which includes complicated stories. Nah, you called that company yesterday, left a message, and they called you back, there's no conspiracy or violation of privacy.
Help your Mom get the best medical care she can, including testing for memory. Encourage exercise, good nutrition, and music; these all help with pretty much all mental stuff. Do the same for you. Your relationship with your Mom may be too enmeshed, consider how you can make your life your own; that's the job of being a kid - to grow up and build your own life.
On a practical level, techniques I used with my Mom, whose mood could turn on a dime, and when it was bad could be extremely bad, were distraction, humor, love bombing.
Mom: OMG, Trump, Biden, flying monkeys
You: Look at the manicure on that person, that's totally amazing!
Really, keep a mental list of tidbits to share. Ask her for recipes, whatever. Distract her from Trump or that guy doing that thing.
Tell her jokes. Print the reliably tame but amusing stories from Reader's Digest and r\mildly amusing. Tease her gently and get her to laugh. Watch funny movies with her.
When she's mad at the world, lay a hug on her and say Yeah, I know. it's hard, isn't it. Getting old and having your body get annoying and the world ignore you isn't cheery. be as loving as you can.
You've had a tough time, you're doing okay, good luck.
posted by theora55 at 7:49 PM on June 8, 2023 [3 favorites]
Some old people weirdly regress into shitty politics. A person I know is starting to experience dementia, and it makes her experience of life confusing, because she really doesn't have great short-term memory, so she explains things however she can, which includes complicated stories. Nah, you called that company yesterday, left a message, and they called you back, there's no conspiracy or violation of privacy.
Help your Mom get the best medical care she can, including testing for memory. Encourage exercise, good nutrition, and music; these all help with pretty much all mental stuff. Do the same for you. Your relationship with your Mom may be too enmeshed, consider how you can make your life your own; that's the job of being a kid - to grow up and build your own life.
On a practical level, techniques I used with my Mom, whose mood could turn on a dime, and when it was bad could be extremely bad, were distraction, humor, love bombing.
Mom: OMG, Trump, Biden, flying monkeys
You: Look at the manicure on that person, that's totally amazing!
Really, keep a mental list of tidbits to share. Ask her for recipes, whatever. Distract her from Trump or that guy doing that thing.
Tell her jokes. Print the reliably tame but amusing stories from Reader's Digest and r\mildly amusing. Tease her gently and get her to laugh. Watch funny movies with her.
When she's mad at the world, lay a hug on her and say Yeah, I know. it's hard, isn't it. Getting old and having your body get annoying and the world ignore you isn't cheery. be as loving as you can.
You've had a tough time, you're doing okay, good luck.
posted by theora55 at 7:49 PM on June 8, 2023 [3 favorites]
We do not really know how to deprogram people from right-wing brainwashing. We just don't. She watches those videos and reads those articles because she gets something out of them, and it's probably not something flattering so she's unlikely to be willing to acknowledge it. You want her to change. She will only change if she wants to.
posted by plonkee at 4:30 AM on June 9, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by plonkee at 4:30 AM on June 9, 2023 [2 favorites]
There is literally nothing a child can do with their life that would cause their parent to have dementia. There is literally no “success” a child can achieve that will cure their parent’s depression. There is literally nothing a child can do to make their parent existentially happy.
When she tells you that seeing you “get your life together” will fix her and her life, that is a version of the same delusion that Tucker Carlson and the Daily Mail are feeding her—that her problems are caused by other people. It is not true. As much as you believe that her life would not be better by harming trans people, you need to believe that her life will not improve by any changes you make to your own.
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 1:41 PM on June 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
When she tells you that seeing you “get your life together” will fix her and her life, that is a version of the same delusion that Tucker Carlson and the Daily Mail are feeding her—that her problems are caused by other people. It is not true. As much as you believe that her life would not be better by harming trans people, you need to believe that her life will not improve by any changes you make to your own.
posted by CtrlAltDelete at 1:41 PM on June 10, 2023 [2 favorites]
Your mother sounds like a deeply unpleasant person to be around. Why do you chose to do it?
Separately, there's no possible way she is like this because of anything you did. There is, however, quite a significant possibility that problems you have encountered could be traced back to her attitudes and behaviours. Maybe the sooner you break free of it the sooner things will start working out better for you
posted by tillsbury at 11:43 PM on June 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
Separately, there's no possible way she is like this because of anything you did. There is, however, quite a significant possibility that problems you have encountered could be traced back to her attitudes and behaviours. Maybe the sooner you break free of it the sooner things will start working out better for you
posted by tillsbury at 11:43 PM on June 10, 2023 [1 favorite]
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Others may have advice on helping deprogram her, but I think step 1 is walking away from this idea that you have control of her in the way you are writing like you do.
posted by Alterscape at 9:11 AM on June 8, 2023 [41 favorites]