help me help my young friend
June 6, 2023 11:57 AM Subscribe
A dear teen in my life is in a big depression. How can I, a loving adult in their day-to-day, be most supportive while respecting their personal sovereignty and not taking on what's not mine to take on?
I’m interested in personal reflections from people who struggled with wanting to be alive as a teen: what did adults around you do that was helpful? what wasn’t?
I’m also interested in articles, books, or other resources with useful guidance around this question.
I’m interested in personal reflections from people who struggled with wanting to be alive as a teen: what did adults around you do that was helpful? what wasn’t?
I’m also interested in articles, books, or other resources with useful guidance around this question.
What helped was a kind doctor, meds, therapist. Thanks for looking out for them.
posted by theora55 at 12:22 PM on June 6, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 12:22 PM on June 6, 2023 [2 favorites]
The most useful adult (a Girl Scout leader) in my teen life noticed that I skipped saying the god parts of the pledge and the GS promise. She was herself a religious woman, a member of her church leadership, and I braced so hard when she asked me (privately) if I had forgotten the words or if I had meant to leave them out. I told her it was intentional. She looked very sad, but only for the briefest of moments, then instantly brightened and said, "well that's okay!"
She was the only adult in my life who took the time to notice and address non negatively that I was making a personal belief choice. My parents ignored it completely, other people chastised me. But my Girl Scout leader saw me, respected my autonomy, and treated me exactly the same.
This isn't the same situation (though I was undeniably a depressed teen), but there's still a lot we adults can take away from that: You are a whole person, with your own thoughts and feelings and opinions, you are valid, you are valued, and you are loved just the way you are.
That kind of message marks you as a Safe Adult, and if/when they need your help, they will know they can trust you.
posted by phunniemee at 12:26 PM on June 6, 2023 [7 favorites]
She was the only adult in my life who took the time to notice and address non negatively that I was making a personal belief choice. My parents ignored it completely, other people chastised me. But my Girl Scout leader saw me, respected my autonomy, and treated me exactly the same.
This isn't the same situation (though I was undeniably a depressed teen), but there's still a lot we adults can take away from that: You are a whole person, with your own thoughts and feelings and opinions, you are valid, you are valued, and you are loved just the way you are.
That kind of message marks you as a Safe Adult, and if/when they need your help, they will know they can trust you.
posted by phunniemee at 12:26 PM on June 6, 2023 [7 favorites]
Maybe offering to do activities (that you know can help with depression but not stating this as a reason) and continue offering in a no pressure way even if the answer is no. Like going for a walk in nature, going for an art class, driving to a place with a cool view, getting a coffee, etc. Then you don't have to bring anything up but the teen has a chance to choose to share more in a low pressure environment.
posted by lookoutbelow at 12:42 PM on June 6, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by lookoutbelow at 12:42 PM on June 6, 2023 [3 favorites]
I’ve struggled with depression and passive suicidal ideation since I was eleven years old. There are a few adults who I can firmly say saved my life multiple times throughout my teen years, not through a singular heroic action or important talk but just by making it worthwhile to me to still continue living.
One person was a woman who taught art classes I attended, she was a successful painter in her own right and taught a range from kids to adults. Her studio space is still the source of all the most peaceful mind spaces I can fathom. She met me where I was at every moment I was in her company. When I was an older teen I traded instruction for being her studio assistant cleaning up after little kids and helping set things up for different lessons, but also that meant I was able to spend lots of calm quiet time in a peacefully cluttered space with a woman I deeply respected and admired. When I was a younger teen, she spoke to my parents about me attending some of her adult classes because she thought my energy would be a better match, and she was absolutely right. I believe they cut a deal where it cost about the same for me to go to the adult sessions as the kid classes, aka, less but still a fancy private art school price. She picked up that I was particularly good at commenting on the work of others in a productive way and spoke about that with me one on one as well as incorporating gentle group critique into some of the classes with me as an example. She treated me like I was a fully realized person, took me seriously, gave me space, and shared things with me that made her happy not in the hopes that it would cheer me up too but rather just to share. I’m so grateful to her. My life hasn’t turned out like hers but she was vitally important to me as an achievable aspirational role model and kind friend.
Another adult was a guy who modded the IRC chat room I was a constant regular in. It sounds silly looking back but I was pretty much in this obscure irc channel actively talking with a range of nerdy online people for a solid four years. I met a good number of them in person at anime conventions and my best friend and housemate of innumerable years is the other, younger mod of said chat room. Anyway this guy was a total weirdo, long haired computer hardware dude living in the woods doing long distance tech before that was a normal thing, doing SCA jousting for fun and just generally being deeply himself. He was so, so kind to me, a bumbling online teen who filled his irc channel with drama after drama. He was always willing to explain a reference, or get into tech details in a way I actually could understand. He learned I was one of the youngest in the channel pretty early on and always treated me like someone worth listening to but who also doesn’t have a lot of preexisting knowledge. Sometimes he would talk about things that were troubling him, and he treated my own issues with similar concern. He called me out on plenty of shitty teen behavior too, but because he was relatively young still (I wanna say mid twenties) it didn’t really hit the same, like, he taught me internet etiquette basically and was super formative for how I behave online to this day. So I guess, similarly to my art teacher, he gave me a peaceful space to express myself, low key company, validation of my troubles, and taught me a lot of skills that I continue to value.
posted by Mizu at 12:42 PM on June 6, 2023 [7 favorites]
One person was a woman who taught art classes I attended, she was a successful painter in her own right and taught a range from kids to adults. Her studio space is still the source of all the most peaceful mind spaces I can fathom. She met me where I was at every moment I was in her company. When I was an older teen I traded instruction for being her studio assistant cleaning up after little kids and helping set things up for different lessons, but also that meant I was able to spend lots of calm quiet time in a peacefully cluttered space with a woman I deeply respected and admired. When I was a younger teen, she spoke to my parents about me attending some of her adult classes because she thought my energy would be a better match, and she was absolutely right. I believe they cut a deal where it cost about the same for me to go to the adult sessions as the kid classes, aka, less but still a fancy private art school price. She picked up that I was particularly good at commenting on the work of others in a productive way and spoke about that with me one on one as well as incorporating gentle group critique into some of the classes with me as an example. She treated me like I was a fully realized person, took me seriously, gave me space, and shared things with me that made her happy not in the hopes that it would cheer me up too but rather just to share. I’m so grateful to her. My life hasn’t turned out like hers but she was vitally important to me as an achievable aspirational role model and kind friend.
Another adult was a guy who modded the IRC chat room I was a constant regular in. It sounds silly looking back but I was pretty much in this obscure irc channel actively talking with a range of nerdy online people for a solid four years. I met a good number of them in person at anime conventions and my best friend and housemate of innumerable years is the other, younger mod of said chat room. Anyway this guy was a total weirdo, long haired computer hardware dude living in the woods doing long distance tech before that was a normal thing, doing SCA jousting for fun and just generally being deeply himself. He was so, so kind to me, a bumbling online teen who filled his irc channel with drama after drama. He was always willing to explain a reference, or get into tech details in a way I actually could understand. He learned I was one of the youngest in the channel pretty early on and always treated me like someone worth listening to but who also doesn’t have a lot of preexisting knowledge. Sometimes he would talk about things that were troubling him, and he treated my own issues with similar concern. He called me out on plenty of shitty teen behavior too, but because he was relatively young still (I wanna say mid twenties) it didn’t really hit the same, like, he taught me internet etiquette basically and was super formative for how I behave online to this day. So I guess, similarly to my art teacher, he gave me a peaceful space to express myself, low key company, validation of my troubles, and taught me a lot of skills that I continue to value.
posted by Mizu at 12:42 PM on June 6, 2023 [7 favorites]
Things that are NOT helpful include
- texts asking "How are you?" That's a very hard question to answer as a depressed person and doesn't lead to a productive conversation -- whenever I've been on the receiving end of this question while depressed, it just causes me to spiral into ruminating over how bad I'm feeling, combined with anxiety and guilt about not responding to someone who clearly does care about me.
- expressing any kind of worry or anxiety about this person's depression -- anxiety is contagious, and being on the receiving end of someone else's anxiety just makes me anxious in turn, as well as guilty for causing someone else to feel bad. (if you're sensing a theme here, you're correct... anxiety and guilt are very common comorbidities with depression)
- asking probing questions
Things that ARE helpful include
- projecting a general aura of unconditional love and support, without fixating on this person's current struggles. Imagine this person at their best, and allow yourself to feel confident they will get there eventually, but there is no urgency to get there -- they are making that journey on their own time, and you can help make them more comfortable along the way but you can't rush them through it
- inviting this person along to do low-key activities with you (if relevant), without any expectation of a reply
- occasional texts or messages of the type that don't demand a response, such as random memes, photos, or articles that made you think of them
posted by mekily at 12:43 PM on June 6, 2023 [5 favorites]
- texts asking "How are you?" That's a very hard question to answer as a depressed person and doesn't lead to a productive conversation -- whenever I've been on the receiving end of this question while depressed, it just causes me to spiral into ruminating over how bad I'm feeling, combined with anxiety and guilt about not responding to someone who clearly does care about me.
- expressing any kind of worry or anxiety about this person's depression -- anxiety is contagious, and being on the receiving end of someone else's anxiety just makes me anxious in turn, as well as guilty for causing someone else to feel bad. (if you're sensing a theme here, you're correct... anxiety and guilt are very common comorbidities with depression)
- asking probing questions
Things that ARE helpful include
- projecting a general aura of unconditional love and support, without fixating on this person's current struggles. Imagine this person at their best, and allow yourself to feel confident they will get there eventually, but there is no urgency to get there -- they are making that journey on their own time, and you can help make them more comfortable along the way but you can't rush them through it
- inviting this person along to do low-key activities with you (if relevant), without any expectation of a reply
- occasional texts or messages of the type that don't demand a response, such as random memes, photos, or articles that made you think of them
posted by mekily at 12:43 PM on June 6, 2023 [5 favorites]
I went through a tough time as a teen and several of my parents' friends were amazing. They regularly invited me to come over for baking, tea, to watch a movie, etc. They listened when I needed to talk and, most importantly, reflected a version of me that I really needed to see: a smart, kind, competent young woman going through a very, very hard time; not someone who was irrevocably broken or fundamentally flawed, which was certainly how I felt. I'm an adult with two children of my own and still love and feel close to these people and am glad to have them in my life and in the lives of my kids. (I also remember one of the friends sharing in a very matter of fact way that they took antidepressants and saw a therapist and hearing that from a person I knew and respected made it easier for me to take those steps myself.)
posted by jeszac at 1:05 PM on June 6, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by jeszac at 1:05 PM on June 6, 2023 [4 favorites]
Offer some empowerment. Ask if they'd like some books that help them understand what their brain-body is doing right now. You can warn them that some of them are a little eye-rollingly "Hello Fellow Kids!" at moments, because almost anything written for "teens" is meant to also be aspirational to tweens, but you can offer them a mixed bag like:
"Teen" books (none of them are quite as hokey as their titles):
Your Amazing Teen Brain: CBT and Neuroscience Skills to Stress Less, Balance Emotions, and Strengthen Your Growing Mind
Stuff That Sucks: A Teen's Guide to Accepting What You Can't Change and Committing to What You Can
DBT Workbook for Teens and Parents (2 Books in 1) - Effective Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills for Adolescents to Manage Anger, Anxiety, and Intense Emotions
"Adult" books:
Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle (and the TED talk by the authors). I feel like not teaching young people about stress is about as helpful as not teaching them about sex: they're still going to find out but they'll have to guess how to deal with it.
CBT + DBT + ACT: 7 Books: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Includes: PTSD, Vagus Nerve, Polyvagal Theory, EMDR and Somatic Psychotherapy. I love this book and wish it had been around at least when I was a young adult, because it feels now like all we really had then was "Here's a self-help book for you, the (checks notes) recently-divorced middle-aged housewife. Get out of your abusive relationship and into a bubble bath!" If your young friend appreciates knowing how things work, the "why" of things, and doesn't want to be poorly tricked into accidentally trying therapeutic techniques but would rather just be offered explanations about how a bunch of them work so they can try what appeals to them, this has that.
None of these are going to just fix everything, but they put tools in your toolbox. It's cruel that we do not teach kids the skills to deal with their own development, or provide any operating manuals for their most influential organs, or the fundamental groundwork needed to deal with the inevitable traumas of being alive in the world. It is also the way of many parent-child relationships that the child can't digest these lessons very well if they come from the parent, so if you are able to sideload them that's great, maybe the two of you can pick one to read and discuss together?
posted by Lyn Never at 3:29 PM on June 6, 2023 [2 favorites]
"Teen" books (none of them are quite as hokey as their titles):
Your Amazing Teen Brain: CBT and Neuroscience Skills to Stress Less, Balance Emotions, and Strengthen Your Growing Mind
Stuff That Sucks: A Teen's Guide to Accepting What You Can't Change and Committing to What You Can
DBT Workbook for Teens and Parents (2 Books in 1) - Effective Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills for Adolescents to Manage Anger, Anxiety, and Intense Emotions
"Adult" books:
Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle (and the TED talk by the authors). I feel like not teaching young people about stress is about as helpful as not teaching them about sex: they're still going to find out but they'll have to guess how to deal with it.
CBT + DBT + ACT: 7 Books: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Includes: PTSD, Vagus Nerve, Polyvagal Theory, EMDR and Somatic Psychotherapy. I love this book and wish it had been around at least when I was a young adult, because it feels now like all we really had then was "Here's a self-help book for you, the (checks notes) recently-divorced middle-aged housewife. Get out of your abusive relationship and into a bubble bath!" If your young friend appreciates knowing how things work, the "why" of things, and doesn't want to be poorly tricked into accidentally trying therapeutic techniques but would rather just be offered explanations about how a bunch of them work so they can try what appeals to them, this has that.
None of these are going to just fix everything, but they put tools in your toolbox. It's cruel that we do not teach kids the skills to deal with their own development, or provide any operating manuals for their most influential organs, or the fundamental groundwork needed to deal with the inevitable traumas of being alive in the world. It is also the way of many parent-child relationships that the child can't digest these lessons very well if they come from the parent, so if you are able to sideload them that's great, maybe the two of you can pick one to read and discuss together?
posted by Lyn Never at 3:29 PM on June 6, 2023 [2 favorites]
Two things that my mom did that helped me when I was in that state:
1. When I hadn’t been sleeping, she drove me to the lakeside and we sat on a blanket. Listening to the sound of the waves, I was able to fall asleep. Very specific, I know.
2. She asked me if she could make an appointment with a psychiatrist for me. I felt ashamed to even say yes to her offer, but I did. It changed everything for me.
posted by sugarbomb at 6:16 PM on June 6, 2023 [7 favorites]
1. When I hadn’t been sleeping, she drove me to the lakeside and we sat on a blanket. Listening to the sound of the waves, I was able to fall asleep. Very specific, I know.
2. She asked me if she could make an appointment with a psychiatrist for me. I felt ashamed to even say yes to her offer, but I did. It changed everything for me.
posted by sugarbomb at 6:16 PM on June 6, 2023 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: Many thanks to everyone for your sharing here. It's been really helpful <3
posted by spindrifter at 7:34 AM on June 23, 2023
posted by spindrifter at 7:34 AM on June 23, 2023
This thread is closed to new comments.
In short, anything that implied that what I was "doing" (aka feeling/experiencing) was wrong, and chiefly because it was scary or inconvenient to other people. People who made me feel like I didn't care about THEM because I didn't care about ME.
Some things that were helpful: the small number of adults who acted like fucking adults, in short. Folks who could bring up therapy and hospitalization in a way that demonstrated this was them setting a boundary, not punishing a wrongdoing. (So, not "keep talking like that and we're putting you in the hospital." Instead: "When you are having feelings this big and uncontrollable, you need to be around/with people who can give you professional support, and I am not a professional. Let's talk about some ways we can get you this support.") One of my parents was very good at expressing "you can feel how you want but I'm literally not allowed to just let you hurt yourself, so can you help me out on that front" and that was in fact helpful.
Also, honestly, there were a couple of people in my life who were gifted at puncturing my bullshit. Because while I was definitely clinically depressed I was also a bratty teenager full of bullshit, lol. And the people who were able to see the difference between "cry for help" and "i'm pushing buttons" were pretty clutch. Hard to teach that though.
Basically if you can meet this teen where they are at, treat them like you would any capable adult who is having a very hard time, and express boundaries around their safety in a clear and compassionate way, that's all you can do.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:10 PM on June 6, 2023 [22 favorites]