What do I send to a Grieving Japanese Colleague?

June 5, 2023 2:50 PM

An executive member of my organization's board of directors is mourning his mother's death (she was quite old, and had been ill for a long time, if that helps you frame your answer). He is Japanese and lives in Japan. The rest of the board and org staff are spread all across the globe, and no one will be able to physically be there. What is the right way for our organization to thoughtfully and respectfully let him know we are thinking of him?

The internet says giving money (koden) is the most common, but I don't think he would want cash from our non-profit org, especially as he is never not talking about our finances. If I'm way off and that is exactly what I should send, though, I will do that.

The other thing I read is white lilies or chrysanthemums can be sent and included with the body in cremation, but I'm probably already too late to have them sent in time for cremation, and I have no idea how I would even figure out how to get flowers to a funeral home in Japan when I don't know the name of the deceased.

Would it be appropriate to send white flowers directly to his home? Should we skip the flowers and just send him condolence cards? Something else? I want to make sure that whatever we do is going to be appreciated and appropriate for Japanese culture.

thanks for your help!

posted by CookieNose to Society & Culture (3 answers total)

Best answer: My Japanese spouse says to follow your own personal/familiar/what you know best funerary protocol instead of trying to guess at the receiver's.
posted by Seboshin at 9:25 PM on June 5, 2023 [12 favorites]

Maybe a nice compromise would be to send a condolences card with a picture of white lilies on the front?
posted by wandering zinnia at 3:45 AM on June 6, 2023 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Came to say what Seboshin said. Especially since he works for a global organization, he will be acquainted with many cultural differences and appreciate your intentions. The usual time for really intense mourning is 49 days, so it would be kind to absolve him of obligations to the organization for that time. A letter of condolence would be perfectly welcome at nearly any time, though if you get it to him within that period it may be involved in a ceremony (of which there can be a few, depending on his traditions and expectations.) Aim for simple and straightforward so his reciprocal obligations to you are the same.
posted by Mizu at 7:12 AM on June 6, 2023