Recommendations for when big dreams appear destructive
June 5, 2023 8:35 AM Subscribe
I cannot really have a pleasant day dream about my big life dream because it turns into a night mare in which I am bloodied, betrayed, and helpless. (1) Is this what people mean when they say that their big dreams care them? (2) Besides getting a therapist, can you recommend any books or insights to help me figure this out?
I have a big dream in my mind and I am trying to be positive about it. It is so grand that I do not feel and think I can achieve it on my own. Popular wisdom says that I should not let it stop be from dreaming it. That is all good. The problem I am experiencing is that every time I daydream about it and imagine how my life will be like when I am in that new environment, I see myself physically assaulted and badly beaten up and in an abusive relationship. Mind you the day dream starts of course with a loving relationship. I think that these images are telling me that I should abandon that dream, but I do not want to abandon it. Yet it scares me. Two questions:
(1) When people say that they are scared of their big dreams, what do they mean? Is my case a case of being scared of my big dream?
(2) Can you recommend any books that can help me to understand what is going on?
I have a big dream in my mind and I am trying to be positive about it. It is so grand that I do not feel and think I can achieve it on my own. Popular wisdom says that I should not let it stop be from dreaming it. That is all good. The problem I am experiencing is that every time I daydream about it and imagine how my life will be like when I am in that new environment, I see myself physically assaulted and badly beaten up and in an abusive relationship. Mind you the day dream starts of course with a loving relationship. I think that these images are telling me that I should abandon that dream, but I do not want to abandon it. Yet it scares me. Two questions:
(1) When people say that they are scared of their big dreams, what do they mean? Is my case a case of being scared of my big dream?
(2) Can you recommend any books that can help me to understand what is going on?
It kind of depends on what your dream is, but The Artist's Way addresses this problem to some extent (though, mostly with dreams that are creative and/or professional). Might be roughly applicable to other situations, though.
posted by lgyre at 8:47 AM on June 5, 2023
posted by lgyre at 8:47 AM on June 5, 2023
Response by poster: @lapis - it is about a hypothetical person.
@lgyre, will check The Artist's Way. Thank you.
posted by Kitty_Levin at 8:52 AM on June 5, 2023
@lgyre, will check The Artist's Way. Thank you.
posted by Kitty_Levin at 8:52 AM on June 5, 2023
I realized it's probably not fair to make you answer my question here. So:
1. If this fear is based on your current relationship, you may be intuiting something about how your partner reacts to your success in general. If your partner is controlling, envious, jealous, or belittling when things go well for you, your dream scenario may be telling you that your relationship is incompatible with your wellbeing.
2. If this fear is not based on a current relationship, or it is but your current relationship is super-supportive and your partner would be THRILLED if you achieved your dream, then it sounds like you're catastrophizing, not in the more common version of "Everything is going to be awful always!" but specifically around success ("I will succeed and then everything will be awful"). There are suggestions for types of therapy that might specifically help in that link.
posted by lapis at 8:54 AM on June 5, 2023 [1 favorite]
1. If this fear is based on your current relationship, you may be intuiting something about how your partner reacts to your success in general. If your partner is controlling, envious, jealous, or belittling when things go well for you, your dream scenario may be telling you that your relationship is incompatible with your wellbeing.
2. If this fear is not based on a current relationship, or it is but your current relationship is super-supportive and your partner would be THRILLED if you achieved your dream, then it sounds like you're catastrophizing, not in the more common version of "Everything is going to be awful always!" but specifically around success ("I will succeed and then everything will be awful"). There are suggestions for types of therapy that might specifically help in that link.
posted by lapis at 8:54 AM on June 5, 2023 [1 favorite]
With your follow-up, it may also be that you've internalized messages that other people will react poorly if you succeed, so you're reacting to that messaging.
posted by lapis at 8:57 AM on June 5, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by lapis at 8:57 AM on June 5, 2023 [2 favorites]
I cannot really have a pleasant day dream about my big life dream because it turns into a night mare in which I am bloodied, betrayed, and helpless. (1) Is this what people mean when they say that their big dreams [s]care them?
Sometimes. Sometimes it's about a fear of failing, but for you it sounds more like a fear of success.
For somewhere to start, I would look at the history of success in your life. "The nail that sticks up gets pounded down" is a common experience for a lot of people growing up and can lead to an assumption that any success will be followed by bad consequences.
That's just a thought though. People spend years working through issues like this.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:58 AM on June 5, 2023 [2 favorites]
Sometimes. Sometimes it's about a fear of failing, but for you it sounds more like a fear of success.
For somewhere to start, I would look at the history of success in your life. "The nail that sticks up gets pounded down" is a common experience for a lot of people growing up and can lead to an assumption that any success will be followed by bad consequences.
That's just a thought though. People spend years working through issues like this.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:58 AM on June 5, 2023 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: @Tell Me No Lies, I may or may not be tearing up now after I read this: ""The nail that sticks up gets pounded down" is a common experience for a lot of people growing up and can lead to an assumption that any success will be followed by bad consequences."
I hope there is a way out.
posted by Kitty_Levin at 9:02 AM on June 5, 2023 [2 favorites]
I hope there is a way out.
posted by Kitty_Levin at 9:02 AM on June 5, 2023 [2 favorites]
There's generally not magical insight that unlocks patterns, especially generational ones. Therapy often helps, in part because the weekly structure forces you to keep practicing the skills. The answers to this question, even though the content of the anxiety is slightly different, would still apply. Identify the pattern (which you have!). Notice when you do it. Calm yourself in the moment and work on understanding that it's just a thing your brain does, not reality. Find other thoughts to replace it. Keep trying. It'll get easier.
A good therapist with an artsy/ritual/woo bent might also be able to help you think through rituals or creative projects you could do to help release some of that intergenerational trauma and unfair dream-quashing expectations. Ancestor work, creative projects, those sorts of things. It will likely continue to be something you need to practice, though, not a one-time "Aha!" moment that fixes everything. You'll have to keep making the conscious choice to step out of the pattern.
posted by lapis at 9:29 AM on June 5, 2023 [3 favorites]
A good therapist with an artsy/ritual/woo bent might also be able to help you think through rituals or creative projects you could do to help release some of that intergenerational trauma and unfair dream-quashing expectations. Ancestor work, creative projects, those sorts of things. It will likely continue to be something you need to practice, though, not a one-time "Aha!" moment that fixes everything. You'll have to keep making the conscious choice to step out of the pattern.
posted by lapis at 9:29 AM on June 5, 2023 [3 favorites]
I used to have this issue when thinking about romantic relationships, whether they involved something in my real life, or even a fantasy about a celebrity or random hot guy. I'd start off imagining how great things would be but then my mind would shift towards a scenario where I caught them cheating on me, found out they never really loved me, criticized me horribly, abandoned and betrayed me, etc. etc.. In my case, it went back to the sudden death of my father as a young child and the harsh criticism of my mother and other family members as I was growing up.
Consciously recognizing the problem, and its weirdness, helped me a lot. I was able to stop my brain when it took these turns and start questioning. ("Dammit! This is MY fantasy! Why can't you let me have it! Stop this BS!) Reading a wide variety of romances, especially those with all kinds of different protagonists, and watching similar movies also helped. Making art and writing stories with happy endings for people like me was also pretty liberating. Conversely, avoiding mainstream media where everybody fits a particular mold that is not me also made a positive difference.
But, the bottom line for me was that I had to start addressing the deeper wounds in my psyche, and process the grief and trauma I went through as a little kid. In my case at least, this problem was just a visible symptom of a lot of other things, including some major shame and self-limiting beliefs. Therapy helped.
posted by rpfields at 9:41 AM on June 5, 2023 [1 favorite]
Consciously recognizing the problem, and its weirdness, helped me a lot. I was able to stop my brain when it took these turns and start questioning. ("Dammit! This is MY fantasy! Why can't you let me have it! Stop this BS!) Reading a wide variety of romances, especially those with all kinds of different protagonists, and watching similar movies also helped. Making art and writing stories with happy endings for people like me was also pretty liberating. Conversely, avoiding mainstream media where everybody fits a particular mold that is not me also made a positive difference.
But, the bottom line for me was that I had to start addressing the deeper wounds in my psyche, and process the grief and trauma I went through as a little kid. In my case at least, this problem was just a visible symptom of a lot of other things, including some major shame and self-limiting beliefs. Therapy helped.
posted by rpfields at 9:41 AM on June 5, 2023 [1 favorite]
I hope there is a way out.
One of the common purposes of therapy is to help us get past habits (like making sure that we don’t stick out) that were very necessary at one point in our life but are now in the way.
It’s pretty well understood territory. I suspect with some work you’ll find your way.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:42 PM on June 5, 2023 [2 favorites]
One of the common purposes of therapy is to help us get past habits (like making sure that we don’t stick out) that were very necessary at one point in our life but are now in the way.
It’s pretty well understood territory. I suspect with some work you’ll find your way.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:42 PM on June 5, 2023 [2 favorites]
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posted by taz (staff) at 10:42 PM on June 5, 2023
posted by taz (staff) at 10:42 PM on June 5, 2023
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posted by lapis at 8:45 AM on June 5, 2023