planning a memorial
June 4, 2023 10:08 AM Subscribe
Unfortunately helping plan a memorial. Have you had experiences at memorial services that you found... helpful, useful, helped hold you and made room for your feelings, made people feel welcome, that we can repeat?
In particular, we plan to have a welcome table. Basically I was thinking I would be sitting there greeting people and giving out a program. Is there something else that should be at that table?
We also plan a memorial alter where people can write messages and we will have photos and mementos of her. Does this make sense?
I've been to a few memorials and mostly it was a photo slide show, speakers, food, and then lots of people talking informally together time. I think that's standard?
This is for an informal, lefty, outdoorsy activist person. Any suggestions welcome
In particular, we plan to have a welcome table. Basically I was thinking I would be sitting there greeting people and giving out a program. Is there something else that should be at that table?
We also plan a memorial alter where people can write messages and we will have photos and mementos of her. Does this make sense?
I've been to a few memorials and mostly it was a photo slide show, speakers, food, and then lots of people talking informally together time. I think that's standard?
This is for an informal, lefty, outdoorsy activist person. Any suggestions welcome
If you're greeting people, there's strong likelihood that people may try to hug you a lot. Sitting at a table will either be a signal to not give you hugs, or it will be an annoyance to you because you have to keep getting up. Not sure the solution, but just a heads-up. Often funerals will have a receiving line of sorts, and this may feel like that to the attendees.
Yes, agreeing with the altar where people can leave their memories. I've seen this also done as a guest book where people can sign in so you know who came, with space to include a memory or two of your person.
For a lefty, activist person, maybe give mourners a call to action. "Jane was a huge supporter of X, Y, and Z. If you're looking for a way to channel your grief, these organizations will have work days on ABC date. " Or maybe just a statement in the service or on the program honoring her legacy.
I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by hydra77 at 10:47 AM on June 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
Yes, agreeing with the altar where people can leave their memories. I've seen this also done as a guest book where people can sign in so you know who came, with space to include a memory or two of your person.
For a lefty, activist person, maybe give mourners a call to action. "Jane was a huge supporter of X, Y, and Z. If you're looking for a way to channel your grief, these organizations will have work days on ABC date. " Or maybe just a statement in the service or on the program honoring her legacy.
I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by hydra77 at 10:47 AM on June 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
We printed up cards with a photo of the departed on the front and a nice poem on the back as a sort of souvenir. We also offered a Lucite box where people could write their memories of the departed and put them in the box, and provided origami paper for people to fold flowers in their memory. In other words, we gave people something to have and something to do.
posted by Peach at 10:48 AM on June 4, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by Peach at 10:48 AM on June 4, 2023 [4 favorites]
We collected a bunch of photos of my dad from all periods of his life(maybe 40 or 50), printed them on photo paper, and arranged them chronologically on five pieces of poster board. It was really nice to see people standing around them in groups, talking about them.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:59 AM on June 4, 2023
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:59 AM on June 4, 2023
Sorry for your loss. Good suggestions above for activities/structure for the event, but I wanted to add that I have attended and been involved in planning a few memorials and one thing that unfortunately sometimes happens is that some attendees may behave in difficult ways (I don't mean being sad and crying, I mean things like picking fights with other mourners, being incredibly negative and critical about what kind of flowers and food were chosen for the memorial, etc. This all stems from grief but can be very stressful for the planners and other attendees if they're not expecting it). I hope this doesn't happen to you, but I do think it could be helpful to have a contingency plan just in case - maybe something like identifying one or two point people who have a little more emotional capacity and who could keep an eye on folks and help re-direct or support people if needed. I don't mean they should be de-escalating fights or offering grief counseling, but like, if the deceased's aunt really needs to complain about the color of the table cloths and seems to be driving everyone crazy, it will help to know that you've already got a point person who can go check in and listen to the aunt vent so that the other mourners can be left in peace.
posted by sleepingwithcats at 12:08 PM on June 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by sleepingwithcats at 12:08 PM on June 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
Good advice above.
The best thing we did at my father's memorial, was to have physical versions of photos of the person available, including old family photo albums, but not concentrated in one place ... we scattered things around at various tables and podiums in a couple of rooms so people did not bottleneck in one place.
At other memorials in addition to that there has been some kind of digital image slideshow on a loop that people could view which usually goes over well.
We also had printed up cards with Dad's photo on one side and a poem on the back that people could take, and provided a guest book for comments etc.. My sister left the bulk of the planning to me, but then had quibbles about the poem on the back of the card, sigh.
Yes - be prepared for nitpicking and big emotions from some mourners, as sleepingwithcats says. It is indeed helpful to have some point people to troubleshoot any issues.
A friend had done a really nice digital image of my father, which he printed and framed in a large size for the memorial. He also emailed anyone who wanted it a digital version after the fact. A number of people wanted a copy of the main remarks said at the service; I got a copy of that from the speaker and emailed that to people who asked for it.
We did not do any kind of web memorial, but that is an alternate option for sharing stuff. If you have techy people in the mix, that is the kind of thing they can do to help.
We did not want much in the way of flowers, so provided a list of a couple of designated charities that my father supported if people wanted to donate in the person's name. I was really glad we provided several different options, since some people turned out to be critical of one or the other of the choices. We tried to honor his leftist politics but also have some alternates like animal rescues.
Dad was an adamant atheist (I had to really fight the cemetery about no cross on the grave marker). At the memorial, I had to navigate the feelings of people who are religious and wanted to bring god into things and also try not to offend anyone. It went ok; we were able to keep them to being broadly spiritual without anything in your face Christian, which was good since several of his closest friends are Jewish, and one friend is a retired Catholic priest! The trickiest were the nice older women who really wanted to sing a hymn. I finally said yes and chose Amazing Grace, because of its anti-slavery connection. My sister was speculating on what his reaction would have been to that, but memorials are for the living anyway, and it made them feel good to honor him and to sing. Everyone knows a bit of the song, so some people sang along. It was fine.
posted by gudrun at 12:33 PM on June 4, 2023
The best thing we did at my father's memorial, was to have physical versions of photos of the person available, including old family photo albums, but not concentrated in one place ... we scattered things around at various tables and podiums in a couple of rooms so people did not bottleneck in one place.
At other memorials in addition to that there has been some kind of digital image slideshow on a loop that people could view which usually goes over well.
We also had printed up cards with Dad's photo on one side and a poem on the back that people could take, and provided a guest book for comments etc.. My sister left the bulk of the planning to me, but then had quibbles about the poem on the back of the card, sigh.
Yes - be prepared for nitpicking and big emotions from some mourners, as sleepingwithcats says. It is indeed helpful to have some point people to troubleshoot any issues.
A friend had done a really nice digital image of my father, which he printed and framed in a large size for the memorial. He also emailed anyone who wanted it a digital version after the fact. A number of people wanted a copy of the main remarks said at the service; I got a copy of that from the speaker and emailed that to people who asked for it.
We did not do any kind of web memorial, but that is an alternate option for sharing stuff. If you have techy people in the mix, that is the kind of thing they can do to help.
We did not want much in the way of flowers, so provided a list of a couple of designated charities that my father supported if people wanted to donate in the person's name. I was really glad we provided several different options, since some people turned out to be critical of one or the other of the choices. We tried to honor his leftist politics but also have some alternates like animal rescues.
Dad was an adamant atheist (I had to really fight the cemetery about no cross on the grave marker). At the memorial, I had to navigate the feelings of people who are religious and wanted to bring god into things and also try not to offend anyone. It went ok; we were able to keep them to being broadly spiritual without anything in your face Christian, which was good since several of his closest friends are Jewish, and one friend is a retired Catholic priest! The trickiest were the nice older women who really wanted to sing a hymn. I finally said yes and chose Amazing Grace, because of its anti-slavery connection. My sister was speculating on what his reaction would have been to that, but memorials are for the living anyway, and it made them feel good to honor him and to sing. Everyone knows a bit of the song, so some people sang along. It was fine.
posted by gudrun at 12:33 PM on June 4, 2023
Offer blank name badges & pens. In one case, people filled out their own name plus year they met the deceased -- gave strangers something to talk about.
posted by Jesse the K at 12:52 PM on June 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by Jesse the K at 12:52 PM on June 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
When my boyfriend died in 2005 a friend suggested that we put together a scrapbook with photos (not originals, get them scanned and printed off) with space for people to write their thoughts about the loved one next to a photo that sets off a particular memory for them.
If there's a visitor's book, put it near that, with plenty of pens, and a little sign asking people to look through the scrapbook and write a memory in it.
I still have that scrapbook and look through it from time to time, enjoying the little anecdotes people wrote about him.
posted by essexjan at 2:36 PM on June 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
If there's a visitor's book, put it near that, with plenty of pens, and a little sign asking people to look through the scrapbook and write a memory in it.
I still have that scrapbook and look through it from time to time, enjoying the little anecdotes people wrote about him.
posted by essexjan at 2:36 PM on June 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
Sorry for your loss.
In addition to photos, a nice thing I've seen is a table (different from the greeting area/table) with objects that are associated with the loved one. Such things as a favorite bottle of booze, book of crossword puzzles, souvenir from a favorite place, a beloved book, a bowl of a favorite candies, etc.
posted by rhonzo at 5:09 AM on June 6, 2023
In addition to photos, a nice thing I've seen is a table (different from the greeting area/table) with objects that are associated with the loved one. Such things as a favorite bottle of booze, book of crossword puzzles, souvenir from a favorite place, a beloved book, a bowl of a favorite candies, etc.
posted by rhonzo at 5:09 AM on June 6, 2023
Response by poster: These are all very helpfully specific and thoughtful answers. Will update once more after the memorial.
posted by latkes at 8:37 AM on June 6, 2023
posted by latkes at 8:37 AM on June 6, 2023
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- lots of printed out photos that people can look through, especially ones of them with friends/family/doing what they loved etc.
- places for people to sit quietly, if possible. Like we had a TV in another room showing slides on a loop so people could just contemplate
- thinking whether there are tasks others could help us with (bring a food item, bring flowers, help with chairs/tables) a lot of people don't know what to do with their grief and some people receive comfort from doing tasks
- a start time AND an end time for the event (unless you like hanging out and lingering with people, some people do)
- if it's at a private home, make it clear in advance where things like parking/bathroom/trash are so people can self-serve to some extent
- we also included a map to the grave site if people wanted to visit on their own
posted by jessamyn at 10:30 AM on June 4, 2023 [3 favorites]