How do I forgive myself for hurting someone I love?

May 10, 2023 7:58 PM

I did something selfish and stupid, and hurt the feelings of someone I love and care about deeply. Trying to cope with the consequences of my own actions.

They will never forgive me, they told me as much and they will never speak to me again. I know them enough to know they will stick with that decision.

I’m trying to cope with a fuck load of feelings right now. First and foremost is the guilt of having caused pain to someone i actually love. It’s been a rough year for me and it’s not an excuse at all, but I behaved selfishly and self-servingly and now I’m ashamed. I knew what I was doing so there is no self deceiving that I didn’t know better.

I came clean to them myself because I couldn’t handle the guilt anymore. They said some very rough (deserved ) things to me and confirmed things I always feared about myself.

I am incredibly sad and guilty and devastated. I want to make amends and apologize sincerely but I won’t have that chance and will have to live with the fact that they’ll be in pain because of me. And when that pain wears off, they will either hate me or I’ll be dead to them.

I can’t even begin to think about the loss, about never speaking or hearing from this person again. I made my fear come to life with my own shitty actions and I just don’t know how to forgive myself for this.

I try to think about this objectively. They weren’t perfect obviously and there were things they did too that hurt me but my actions were worse and that is cold comfort to think about righteousness after having hurt them and lost them.

I’m struggling hard to accept it and I don’t even know what concrete steps to take to begin climbing out of this and begin to work on the fact that I won’t see them again. Any insights you wish to share will be greatly appreciated.

posted by Riverside to Human Relations (15 answers total)

Best answer: First: You are a person with very real potential to do good things and help people. You don't have to be perfect for that to be true. Tomorrow, or the next day -- whenever you feel enough time has passed that you can at least think clearly and focus on something else -- the world will be, can be better because of the actions you will do. Choose whatever you want; the needs of the world are great, and a lot of people have put time, effort, and care into creating, strengthening, and educating you in myriad ways.

Second: People have an entirely different emotional experience when they first encounter new emotions and experiences than later, after they have digested things and experienced less intense moments and days. This does not mean your love will forgive you or speak to you, but it's really too soon to know.

Third: I've been thinking a lot about how various religions address the universality of imperfection, the idea of forgiveness, and the idea that even flawed people are worthy or redeemable.

Fourth: You can think about what you would feel redeemed you. Sacrificing yourself and feeling bad are understandable, but I'm a pragmatist, so I prefer positive action -- and staying in the swamp can change you, which can be good, but I don't really see the point of permanently relocating there. Doing good, I believe, is better than feeling bad.

Fifth: I'm not saying it's wrong to feel bad! Feel what you feel. Just don't think that's all you can do, or that somehow feeling bad is now the solitary point of your existence.

Sixth: It will be interesting to see how and what you are in a year. You'll get to witness that.
posted by amtho at 8:19 PM on May 10, 2023 [9 favorites]

You can't make it right with this person (unless they change their mind and allow you to try). You will have to accept and grieve that loss.

You CAN, however, do better going forward. You can't 'pay back' the person you hurt, but you can 'pay it forward' to avoid hurting others in the same way in the future.

By this, I mean things like: taking accountability for your actions (sounds like you are well on the way already), looking for patterns that you tend to repeat, figuring out why you did those things, figuring out how to do things differently in the future, and practice doing so in real life. Probably a therapist would be a big help here.

A therapist could also help you work out how to forgive yourself for what you did. Because that is also a thing you can do.
posted by (F)utility at 8:29 PM on May 10, 2023 [21 favorites]

Start with a therapist.
posted by yellowcandy at 8:38 PM on May 10, 2023 [6 favorites]

Honestly, it sounds like you're already doing the right things. You fucked up (apparently; taking you on your word) and are accepting the consequences which (also apparently) suck at the moment. Out of kindness you should probably not try to unload on/gain forgiveness from your ex. Just weather the storm, and realize that you're human and therefore fallible and you can simultaneously be pissed at yourself for breaking things and forgiving of yourself for your human foibles.
posted by nixxon at 9:05 PM on May 10, 2023 [2 favorites]

You might try to "write a letter to the file" something you will never send. Write one letter to the person you hurt, say everything you need to say. You could write this as a Google Doc or Word Doc and then put it in a folder and forget it or write it on paper and tuck it away.

Then write a letter to yourself from a place of self-compassion; speak kindly to yourself. You don't have to minimize or rationalize what you did, but you can start to forgive yourself for being what we all are, humans who have a tendency to eff up. Put it somewhere special.

Maybe a year from now or ten years from now you'll pick those letters up and read what you wrote and the letters will help you achieve some peace.
posted by brookeb at 9:33 PM on May 10, 2023 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Ok. I read some of your past questions… I do hope you find a good therapist, because this is going to have to be turned around a lot to really emotionally (Vs intellectually) come to grips with what happened. The painful consequences as well as the pain that likely drove this.

I will just say that there are two sides to every story and lots of grey shades when it comes to infidelity as with everything. On paper, maybe you’re the “bad guy”. Maybe. Maybe there’s more to it.

If someone is insecure to begin with (this is lots of people!), and if because of their history of trauma, they end up with a partner whose emotional style is rejecting, avoidant, etc. (ALSO very common!), it is totally understandable if the person who has a greater need for intimacy and security, or fear of loss, eventually finds a way to soothe the painful insecurity of feeling rejected. Sometimes by looking outside the relationship or responding to affection and acceptance that’s freely offered by someone outside the relationship, in a weak moment. Like of course it’s not ideal. In a perfect world, everyone would be mature and communicate and resolve things assertively, compassionately, and at convenient times. But the world isn’t perfect, no one is. And this is an extremely, extremely common experience.

In therapy, I really hope that you explore this relationship from every angle. Not just the self punishing one that will likely be the go-to. If this relationship always offered more torment than comfort, as painful as letting it go may be (and it is), maybe, it is for the best. Maybe there are other people who will allow you to feel safe, accepted, comfortable more easily, with less struggle. You have an opportunity to to look at how you got to that person and this place.

You acted in a way that offends your needs, values, and self concept. *Surely there are reasons for that.* (that do not involve you being horrible). I can imagine that this would only be a thing someone who’s already been suffering for a long time would resort to.

Did you ever feel things were right with this person? Really did you ever feel safe, at ease, accepted? I was an insecure mess in one relationship, comfortable and confident and not stressed in others. With that awful one it never felt really right, not even once, from the beginning.

This outcome may be for the best. It’s not what you wanted - but maybe, you actually needed it to happen, and maybe on some level you made it happen. Ultimately it is for the good, if it never really worked.

As for the person having a negative opinion of you, that you can’t correct in any way, yeah that stings. It sucks. You’ll have to live with knowing that. But - it’s hard to believe, and it’s so painful now, but eventually, this will drift into the past, and your life will be full and busy and happy, hopefully with someone who gives you comfort and acceptance instead of rejection and pain. The next year will be hard, though, I’m sorry.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:37 PM on May 10, 2023 [9 favorites]

(Sorry if I’m way off, by the way.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:39 PM on May 10, 2023

I don’t know why, but for some reason this question gives me the impression that maybe your “fuck up” isn’t as bad as you’re making it out to be, or as this person is making you feel. Internalizing this much guilt and shame and having someone pile that all on back at you feels… problematic to me. I hope you can explore whatever happened and try to uncover whether it’s really as bad as you think.
posted by Amy93 at 4:05 AM on May 11, 2023 [9 favorites]

It's hard to tell without details, but-- do you know how many people would be spinning right now about how it was really the other person's fault or at least how what they did was justified? Or how many people would do something like whatever you did and never give it a second thought? I'm not saying you should congratulate yourself at the expense of reflecting on your own actions. But it sounds like you are doing the right thing, allowing the other person to have their feelings about it and dealing with your own feelings without placing an additional burden on them. You're making progress, and you don't ever have to repeat that mistake.

But I think at a certain point you should give yourself permission to take a break from feeling bad about this. You can come back to it any time you want but you can't maintain this intensity of feeling about it indefinitely, and it doesn't really help.
posted by BibiRose at 5:08 AM on May 11, 2023

Out of kindness you should probably not try to unload on/gain forgiveness from your ex.

I didn't see that any ex is specified.
posted by NotLost at 6:10 AM on May 11, 2023 [1 favorite]

I am sorry this happened. We all do horribly stupid things. Thoughtless things. Every single one of us has hurt people, sometimes on purpose out of our own hurt, sometimes without even knowing what we've done. Because we are humans, and humans are imperfect.

They said some very rough (deserved ) things to me and confirmed things I always feared about myself.

The things you "always feared" about yourself do not define you. They are just parts that need working on. You told them the truth. That was brave. Now you can work on those parts - but be kind to yourself for your rough edges. It feels devastating right now because it is, but you will be ok.
posted by Glinn at 7:47 AM on May 11, 2023

Best answer: There are a bunch of suggestions here that will help - therapy, processing - but there is also a time factor here that you can't rush. You sound like you are still in the panicky early stages of having fucked up massively, where all your brain can really grip on is fuckup-fuckup-fuckup and shame-spiralling and guilt. It simply takes time for the panic to fade, and therapy can't really change that timeframe and may not even be effective until the panic dies down.

I usually advise people to act like they have the flu in this stage. Rest, hydrate, eat a vegetable, get sunlight in your eyeballs by midmorning every day, try to use a kind and respectful voice when you talk to yourself. Shame-spiraling has no useful function, you don't get extra credit now for feeling like shit, so resist the urge to force it to intensify. You need that to pass, like a virus, before you can actually start turning this into a normal human painful lesson.

One day you'll realize that most people have at least a few of these incidents in their lives. The luckiest of us fucked around and found out pretty young, as teens or young adults, and lost loved ones and/or important relationships and/or really good opportunities and learned our lessons and figured out how to avoid doing that to ourselves or anyone else again, mostly. Some people don't get the opportunity to fuck up that bad until later when the stakes are likely higher, and there are some protected classes that often don't experience any consequences for their behavior until they really cross a line, and then have no experience to lean on to figure out how to cope.

In time and experience and perspective and therapy and just "doing the work" that we all have to do to grow and evolve as humans, you will come to understand the That You that did the bad thing was flawed and probably acting from a place of trauma or inexperience or unwellness, and That You suffered unfixable and appropriate consequences for it, and Now You can forgive That You - knowing that forgiving doesn't mean not-regretting - because that's the only thing you can do if you want to grow.

There will be times you end up in a situation where you can't make amends to the person or entity you wronged, and what you do instead is amend yourself so you don't make that choice or set of choices (or at least not make them without much more consideration) next time.

One day you will probably have cause to be that angry at someone else and you will probably find yourself needing them out of your life for your own well-being and also hoping they don't ever do that to anyone else.

Will this still be something you replay at a wakeful 3am now and then for probably the rest of your life? Yes. And that's fair enough. You're (probably) never going to be GLAD this happened. You'll always have a scar. This is normal human life, you are not unique or special in this experience. It's just part of what people go through, and you will get to a place where you can see that and it will still be painful but it won't be debilitating.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:24 AM on May 11, 2023 [11 favorites]

Sometimes we do things that go against our own values because (subconsciously) it's the only way we know how to get what need. Sometimes we want or need love or affection we aren't getting in a relationship, and we seek it elsewhere. We might do that to fill the emotional hole; we might do that to force the issue with the relationship that isn't working.

Sometimes, if we grew up with very critical parents, and especially if we have perfectionist traits because of those parents, we end up beating ourselves up so much, like our parents did. Sometimes we find people like our parents, people who are critical, narcissistic, or emotionally abusive, and we become partners with them, because even though the criticism feels bad, it also feels familiar. And sometimes we move into a relationship with someone who behaves in hurtful ways to us, because, deep down, we don't know that there's any thing different out there, or that we deserve better.

Sometimes we mess up because it's the only way we know to wrench ourselves out of a situation. So that's how we forgive ourselves, or at least start to move forward: we try to have the same compassion to ourselves we might have towards someone else, and we know that we weren't at our best, and we know that life is a series of messing up and making mistakes over and over again.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:40 PM on May 11, 2023 [7 favorites]

Leave them alone. They're gone from your life, as you said. Now you have to deal with yourself, hopefully with the help of a good therapist.

The only way out is through. Why did you do the thing? Really try to understand yourself. Then commit to being a better person in all respects to the people around you. Everyday we have the opportunity to live as truthfully and honestly as we can. You effed up, but then you told them the truth. So you are capable of that.
posted by foxjacket at 3:46 PM on May 11, 2023 [3 favorites]

You are not selfish and stupid.
You are however, possibly surrounded by a******s!

Ok so I read back on your Ask history and felt moved to actually sign in to my metafilter account for the first time in years to respond to you. I'm probably projecting massively here but just in case it resonates, as someone also from an unloving family, I have a huge sense of you being unhappy, lonely and blaming all your misfortune on yourself. While it's great to have insight and a strong sense of personal accountability , sometimes we are just bouncing off people who don't give a s*** about us and whom press on all our sore bits, push our buttons and bring out the very worst in us. When we are brought up by parents who never valued us, it can be really hard to discern what a healthy connection actually looks and feels like . More often we are desperately seeking love and validation from people who can't and won't provide it. In fact they are often cut from the same cloth as our parents. Disinterested, unavailable and non engaging. But it feels so comfortably familiar!

Reading between the lines, again maybe wrongly, sounds like you responded to some very human needs (maybe for affection, attention, validation, presence, consistency etc) that were going wholly unmet by your partner - who frankly, sounds quite manipulative and gaslighty.

I wonder if maybe you have some abandonment anxiety, low self esteem and a life long tendency to blame yourself for everyone else's crappy behaviour towards you? If you find you've recently acted in a way that doesn't align with your values, please consider it was an act of subliminal sabotage from a subconscious part of you that recognised you were trapped in a toxic dynamic that needed a permanent full stop.

I too have been told that I was a jealous and controlling partner in previous relationships. Guess what happened when I got into a relationship with someone who truly loved me for the first time in my life? They prioritised making me feel loved and secure with them, they sought to understand my previous bad experiences and subsequent trauma responses. They made me feel safe. They left no uncertainty about their feelings and were able to offer reassurance when needed. They have never disrespected me, shamed me for having insecurities, never shouted at me or called me names. They've got their own strong boundaries and would not accept jealous and controlling behaviour from me, but that's ok because I've never felt jealous or the need to control anything in our relationship because that's fear based responses and I don't feel scared with them. I know I'm loved . And we are together some years now so this is not just some honeymoon phase. Also I didn't have a fk ton of therapy between my previous toxic relationship and this one by the way, I'm still the same person as before, it's just I finally (aged 40!) found someone loving and communicative.

So you did something bad? You don't have to define yourself by this one incident. Delve deep to uncover the real reasons why you did what you did. Then consider how you can minimise the risk of behaving like that again in the future. Think about the type of relationship you truly need to be happy and then strive to be the kind of person who can deliver a healthy relationship.

Learn from these recent mistakes, take the lessons and transform them into gold to fill up all those cracks where you're hurting. Forgive yourself for acting poorly. It was very likely an indicator of your own unhappiness which doesn't excuse it, but certainly bares reflecting deeply upon.
posted by kudra23 at 7:22 AM on June 4, 2023 [1 favorite]