Stressed about my mom coming, getting hot/cold messages.
May 4, 2023 10:30 AM Subscribe
I feel so terrible posting this question, but I'm really stressed about the surgery to remove the mass colon cancer from my colon. It ends up my surgery was "pushed up" to this upcoming Thursday next week, and the only other availability after that was in July. I've worked things out with my mom coming in, but I've been getting some confusing messages from her, and it's aggravating my anxiety.
This is on top of making sure ASL interpreters will be available in person for the pre-op appointment, the surgery itself (which is at a 3rd party location, a hospital, not a proper Kaiser location, so added layers of complexity), and the post-op appointment. The timing is super close, I'm nervous as fuck about the surgery, the recovery, and trying to see as many friends as I can before the procedure.
I had a great conversation with my mom yesterday, and she recognized my parcopresis (shy bowel) and the issues I might have if she was in my apartment, especially pre-surgery (which I'd need to clean my bowel out, similar to a colonoscopy prep), so she offered to stay at an AirBnb or a guest suite if my apartment offered for the first two nights. I told her I would ask my apartment manager about the guest suite and see what they had to offer. I did that, and was told a nearby apartment had a guest suite for two nights for $350.
I relayed this message to my mom, who said she didn't want to spend an extra $350 and offered instead to come on the day of my surgery. I was really confused by this message, because she was the one who initially said she wanted to stay somewhere else and not to "invade" my apartment. She also earlier talked about maybe staying at an AirBnb the whole time. Now I'm getting a completely different message from her, and it's just really throwing me off. We eventually agreed it might be better if she just stayed here, and we'd figure out the #2 situation. She also said she could change her flight if need be, if I needed more time, but she also doesn't seem willing to spend more money, and wanted to pick the cheapest flight possible. It's just confusing, honestly.
This just was really confusing and inconsistent to me. I'm thinking about spending the $350 so that she can stay at the guest suite and I can #2 in peace to completely clean my colon before the surgery, but I'm a bit annoyed. I'm very thankful she's willing to come and help, but all this hemming and hawing is causing me stress. We also originally agreed that she'd either Metro or Uber from the airport and come to my apartment, because I have a therapy appointment, but she asked if I could meet her at the airport. I had to remind her I had a therapy appointment (and this is the only slot the therapist had available).
I'm not trying to sound ungrateful or 'bratty' or whatnot, but this inconsistency is really making me nervous, and it's unfortunately nothing new. My mom can be great when she's warm and helpful but sometimes she can be really cold and withdrawn, and she's a bit unpredictable. She's never hurt me physically or had a huge Dr. Hyde/Mr. Jekyyl moment, but she can be very indecisive and sometimes a bit dependent on others.
How should I handle this situation? I just don't want any extra stress, but she is the only family member who can come, and all my friends are busy. I'm really stressed, especially with the short timeframe, and need to get stuff at work wrapped up and social stuff too, and now this. I know my mom means well, but it's just very inconsistent and confusing to me.
This is on top of making sure ASL interpreters will be available in person for the pre-op appointment, the surgery itself (which is at a 3rd party location, a hospital, not a proper Kaiser location, so added layers of complexity), and the post-op appointment. The timing is super close, I'm nervous as fuck about the surgery, the recovery, and trying to see as many friends as I can before the procedure.
I had a great conversation with my mom yesterday, and she recognized my parcopresis (shy bowel) and the issues I might have if she was in my apartment, especially pre-surgery (which I'd need to clean my bowel out, similar to a colonoscopy prep), so she offered to stay at an AirBnb or a guest suite if my apartment offered for the first two nights. I told her I would ask my apartment manager about the guest suite and see what they had to offer. I did that, and was told a nearby apartment had a guest suite for two nights for $350.
I relayed this message to my mom, who said she didn't want to spend an extra $350 and offered instead to come on the day of my surgery. I was really confused by this message, because she was the one who initially said she wanted to stay somewhere else and not to "invade" my apartment. She also earlier talked about maybe staying at an AirBnb the whole time. Now I'm getting a completely different message from her, and it's just really throwing me off. We eventually agreed it might be better if she just stayed here, and we'd figure out the #2 situation. She also said she could change her flight if need be, if I needed more time, but she also doesn't seem willing to spend more money, and wanted to pick the cheapest flight possible. It's just confusing, honestly.
This just was really confusing and inconsistent to me. I'm thinking about spending the $350 so that she can stay at the guest suite and I can #2 in peace to completely clean my colon before the surgery, but I'm a bit annoyed. I'm very thankful she's willing to come and help, but all this hemming and hawing is causing me stress. We also originally agreed that she'd either Metro or Uber from the airport and come to my apartment, because I have a therapy appointment, but she asked if I could meet her at the airport. I had to remind her I had a therapy appointment (and this is the only slot the therapist had available).
I'm not trying to sound ungrateful or 'bratty' or whatnot, but this inconsistency is really making me nervous, and it's unfortunately nothing new. My mom can be great when she's warm and helpful but sometimes she can be really cold and withdrawn, and she's a bit unpredictable. She's never hurt me physically or had a huge Dr. Hyde/Mr. Jekyyl moment, but she can be very indecisive and sometimes a bit dependent on others.
How should I handle this situation? I just don't want any extra stress, but she is the only family member who can come, and all my friends are busy. I'm really stressed, especially with the short timeframe, and need to get stuff at work wrapped up and social stuff too, and now this. I know my mom means well, but it's just very inconsistent and confusing to me.
You’re doing great! You deserve to have every single solitary tiny and large one of your needs met! Your mom is way out of line trying to get you to manage her travel and accommodation. You deserve to be treated like an absolute king and to have every one of your needs met around this surgery! You come FIRST. Keep reaching out to your therapist, to those friends who don’t have warped priorities, and to us. You are absolutely entitled to post as many questions here as you need to. You deserve care, comfort, accommodation, softness, empathy and love, just by nature of your existence.
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 10:57 AM on May 4, 2023 [17 favorites]
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 10:57 AM on May 4, 2023 [17 favorites]
I like restless nomads answer a lot. I lost some sympathy for her when she asked you to meet her at the airport. Just, no. I’d say you should be clear about how limited you are in doing stuff for her.
posted by pairofshades at 11:02 AM on May 4, 2023 [8 favorites]
posted by pairofshades at 11:02 AM on May 4, 2023 [8 favorites]
(I should have made it more clear at the end - all this prioritisation advice means yes, you should do whatever it takes to simplify things for you first - which means pay the $350 if you can and make sure you’ve got an accessible home environment to do your colon prep!)
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 11:04 AM on May 4, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 11:04 AM on May 4, 2023 [5 favorites]
It may be that her heart is bigger than her wallet, so to speak, when it comes to supporting you. She wants to say 'yes', be super considerate, etc. But then she keeps running up against the reality of just how hard and expensive it will be to follow through on what she's committed to. You don't deserve to have to deal with that flakiness! It sounds so stressful. It may be coming from a place of (poorly thought-out) good intentions on her part.
posted by Ausamor at 11:08 AM on May 4, 2023 [8 favorites]
posted by Ausamor at 11:08 AM on May 4, 2023 [8 favorites]
While I generally really like restless_nomads answer, if she is literally the only person who can help you with recovery then this might be a moment where, as The Last Sockpuppet points out, what might be less stressful is the path of least resistance in terms of the housing - though I would imagine you should be able to find an AirBNB or motel for less than $350 for two nights. You could also offer first to split the cost with her - or if any of your friends has a spare bedroom, I'd say it's a reasonable favor to ask if she can stay a couple nights.
However I would put your foot down firmly on your mom's expectation that you'll meet her at the airport (especially given, if I recall correctly, you don't have a car) and would reply with "Mom, I love you and I am grateful for your offer to help, but it's really not helpful for me if your help involves me missing a therapy appointment, which is really crucial for my well-being right now. So no, I can't meet you at the airport."
Edit to add: you definitely don't come off as bratty all all.
posted by coffeecat at 11:23 AM on May 4, 2023 [6 favorites]
However I would put your foot down firmly on your mom's expectation that you'll meet her at the airport (especially given, if I recall correctly, you don't have a car) and would reply with "Mom, I love you and I am grateful for your offer to help, but it's really not helpful for me if your help involves me missing a therapy appointment, which is really crucial for my well-being right now. So no, I can't meet you at the airport."
Edit to add: you definitely don't come off as bratty all all.
posted by coffeecat at 11:23 AM on May 4, 2023 [6 favorites]
I'm not quite sure I understand the flakiness that you're seeing. (But I believe you when you say she's being flaky).
My perspective is that she agreed to come out. You told her that she can't be in the apartment prior to surgery. She said ok, I'll stay in the guest suite. That was too expensive, so she said ok, I'll just come out the day of surgery instead. ... That sounds like a good compromise to me.
Regarding the Airbnb and the longer stay, what do you want? Do you want her to stay longer? Do you want her in her own place? It sounds like she's not really clear on what you want from her. Maybe she stays in your apartment for a week, then stays in AirBnb for another week before leaving.
Regarding adjusting flights, it sounds like she's wiling to be flexible, but she's looking at costs too - that's fair.
It sounds like you're both deeply entrenched in Guess culture, and *you* need to try to be more of an Ask person right now. Just ask for / tell her what you need/want. She can adjust her plans accordingly.
posted by hydra77 at 11:24 AM on May 4, 2023 [24 favorites]
My perspective is that she agreed to come out. You told her that she can't be in the apartment prior to surgery. She said ok, I'll stay in the guest suite. That was too expensive, so she said ok, I'll just come out the day of surgery instead. ... That sounds like a good compromise to me.
Regarding the Airbnb and the longer stay, what do you want? Do you want her to stay longer? Do you want her in her own place? It sounds like she's not really clear on what you want from her. Maybe she stays in your apartment for a week, then stays in AirBnb for another week before leaving.
Regarding adjusting flights, it sounds like she's wiling to be flexible, but she's looking at costs too - that's fair.
It sounds like you're both deeply entrenched in Guess culture, and *you* need to try to be more of an Ask person right now. Just ask for / tell her what you need/want. She can adjust her plans accordingly.
posted by hydra77 at 11:24 AM on May 4, 2023 [24 favorites]
I told her I would ask my apartment manager about the guest suite and see what they had to offer. I did that, and was told a nearby apartment had a guest suite for two nights for $350.
I relayed this message to my mom, who said she didn't want to spend an extra $350 and offered instead to come on the day of my surgery. I was really confused by this message, because she was the one who initially said she wanted to stay somewhere else and not to "invade" my apartment.
Is it possible she interpreted guest suite to mean minimal/no cost? Because I would have thought that myself. And lined up with the flight issue - it would be consistent that she is very willing to help, but expecting her to eat all these costs to come and help you at 100% your terms may not be possible. People are willing to help but expecting it to be 100% on your terms is a recipe for disappointment.
I think rather than focusing on how she is creating stress for you - could you try cultivating gratitude for the sacrifices she's willing to make? It's not a small thing to support someone through a major surgery - yes it is stressful for you, but it is stressful for her too, and she's taken that on presumably because she loves you and wants the best for you. Perhaps spend some moments focusing on that and see if it puts the things she has asked for into perspective.
posted by openhearted at 11:47 AM on May 4, 2023 [12 favorites]
I relayed this message to my mom, who said she didn't want to spend an extra $350 and offered instead to come on the day of my surgery. I was really confused by this message, because she was the one who initially said she wanted to stay somewhere else and not to "invade" my apartment.
Is it possible she interpreted guest suite to mean minimal/no cost? Because I would have thought that myself. And lined up with the flight issue - it would be consistent that she is very willing to help, but expecting her to eat all these costs to come and help you at 100% your terms may not be possible. People are willing to help but expecting it to be 100% on your terms is a recipe for disappointment.
I think rather than focusing on how she is creating stress for you - could you try cultivating gratitude for the sacrifices she's willing to make? It's not a small thing to support someone through a major surgery - yes it is stressful for you, but it is stressful for her too, and she's taken that on presumably because she loves you and wants the best for you. Perhaps spend some moments focusing on that and see if it puts the things she has asked for into perspective.
posted by openhearted at 11:47 AM on May 4, 2023 [12 favorites]
Sometimes people can really really love and care for you but also still not know how or be able to show up in the way you need during a difficult time
posted by raccoon409 at 11:49 AM on May 4, 2023 [7 favorites]
posted by raccoon409 at 11:49 AM on May 4, 2023 [7 favorites]
If you think these issues are truly financial, offer to pay for her to stay wherever while she's there. She pays for her flight, you pay for her lodging (or even just part of her lodging, maybe just the first two days or maybe the first week or whatever), deal done. That way you can control your environment a little bit more and she has her own space as well. And tell her you cannot meet her at the airport, "That won't be possible," is a perfect response, and stick with it. Pay for her Uber if you need to.
And I understand that paying for all this might be an inconvenience to you (if it's truly not do-able for you, there are excellent answers above) but an inconvenience is so much better than not having the control that you need at this time.
posted by cooker girl at 11:53 AM on May 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
And I understand that paying for all this might be an inconvenience to you (if it's truly not do-able for you, there are excellent answers above) but an inconvenience is so much better than not having the control that you need at this time.
posted by cooker girl at 11:53 AM on May 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
Harsh.
Good luck dubious_dude. We are all counting on you...
posted by Windopaene at 11:57 AM on May 4, 2023
Good luck dubious_dude. We are all counting on you...
posted by Windopaene at 11:57 AM on May 4, 2023
Ugh, sorry you're dealing with this. My mother-in-law does something similar when she comes to town; theoretically she's coming to help with something, but then she makes us handle all the logistics and creates a whole bunch of work for us.
I think you should figure out what your surgery week would look like if your mom wasn't there at all, and then make that the plan that you stick to, and she can figure out how to fit herself into it. So like, you know that you cannot have her in your apartment before your surgery, so that's information to provide for her. She can figure out what she wants to do with it - you have enough going on without also securing her a place to stay.
Good luck! Hope it goes well.
posted by Ragged Richard at 1:05 PM on May 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
I think you should figure out what your surgery week would look like if your mom wasn't there at all, and then make that the plan that you stick to, and she can figure out how to fit herself into it. So like, you know that you cannot have her in your apartment before your surgery, so that's information to provide for her. She can figure out what she wants to do with it - you have enough going on without also securing her a place to stay.
Good luck! Hope it goes well.
posted by Ragged Richard at 1:05 PM on May 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
Yeah, no, she is not being reasonable.
You, and what you need, are the priority now. In fact if you WANT to be bratty, you should be doing just that. It might be good for your immune system and your mental health. But you are not being bratty. You are being mildly jerked around and put upon when you need support instead of getting the support.
posted by Jane the Brown at 1:14 PM on May 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
You, and what you need, are the priority now. In fact if you WANT to be bratty, you should be doing just that. It might be good for your immune system and your mental health. But you are not being bratty. You are being mildly jerked around and put upon when you need support instead of getting the support.
posted by Jane the Brown at 1:14 PM on May 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
You have lots of good advice already, so I'm just adding good wishes sent down the internet to you for your surgery and recovery.
And also a little reminder that sometimes there's great joy in cancelling things that you thought would be fun when you arranged them, but which actually become stressful in the execution - so don't feel like you have to see lots of your friends before surgery, if it turns out that what would keep you calmer and saner would be to stay at home in peace.
If ever there was a time in your life that you get to be wildly self-centred, this is the week. And I mean self-centred not in the bratty sense, but quite literally in putting yourself at the centre of every decision you make, and everyone else gets to just fall in line.
posted by penguin pie at 1:30 PM on May 4, 2023 [5 favorites]
And also a little reminder that sometimes there's great joy in cancelling things that you thought would be fun when you arranged them, but which actually become stressful in the execution - so don't feel like you have to see lots of your friends before surgery, if it turns out that what would keep you calmer and saner would be to stay at home in peace.
If ever there was a time in your life that you get to be wildly self-centred, this is the week. And I mean self-centred not in the bratty sense, but quite literally in putting yourself at the centre of every decision you make, and everyone else gets to just fall in line.
posted by penguin pie at 1:30 PM on May 4, 2023 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks, everyone.
Coming here the day of surgery would not be ideal, because I'd have to hand her my keys, explain stuff, and show her where my apartment is (it's a bit complicated/maze-like), and I don't even know the time of the surgery itself yet—it could be anywhere between the early hours of morning or the afternoon/evening. They're still working on the timing.
but expecting her to eat all these costs to come and help you at 100% your terms may not be possible. People are willing to help but expecting it to be 100% on your terms is a recipe for disappointment.
Definitely not expecting that at all. I was planning to give her a prepaid Metro card, and would pay for all Uber costs to/from the hospital for us. She was the one who initially offered to get an AirBnb, so it was confusing to me why she went back on that. I do understand maybe she realized it's super expensive, etc., but it seemed to me like yesterday she was all for giving me space, and today, it was just a change. I don't know if I'm explaining myself clearly enough, but that's how I felt.
With that said, I'm always open for compromise. I might end up paying for one night at the guest suite during my prep day, but otherwise, she'll stay with me. That way, it's not $350, but around half that. This is expensive for me—copays, bills, etc.
She wants to say 'yes', be super considerate, etc. But then she keeps running up against the reality of just how hard and expensive it will be to follow through on what she's committed to.
Very fair points there. DC is a super expensive city, so she might have had some stickler shock.
And in all fairness, she could have forgotten I had a therapy appointment. When I said I couldn't, she was okay with it, so there's that.
posted by dubious_dude at 1:40 PM on May 4, 2023 [4 favorites]
Coming here the day of surgery would not be ideal, because I'd have to hand her my keys, explain stuff, and show her where my apartment is (it's a bit complicated/maze-like), and I don't even know the time of the surgery itself yet—it could be anywhere between the early hours of morning or the afternoon/evening. They're still working on the timing.
but expecting her to eat all these costs to come and help you at 100% your terms may not be possible. People are willing to help but expecting it to be 100% on your terms is a recipe for disappointment.
Definitely not expecting that at all. I was planning to give her a prepaid Metro card, and would pay for all Uber costs to/from the hospital for us. She was the one who initially offered to get an AirBnb, so it was confusing to me why she went back on that. I do understand maybe she realized it's super expensive, etc., but it seemed to me like yesterday she was all for giving me space, and today, it was just a change. I don't know if I'm explaining myself clearly enough, but that's how I felt.
With that said, I'm always open for compromise. I might end up paying for one night at the guest suite during my prep day, but otherwise, she'll stay with me. That way, it's not $350, but around half that. This is expensive for me—copays, bills, etc.
She wants to say 'yes', be super considerate, etc. But then she keeps running up against the reality of just how hard and expensive it will be to follow through on what she's committed to.
Very fair points there. DC is a super expensive city, so she might have had some stickler shock.
And in all fairness, she could have forgotten I had a therapy appointment. When I said I couldn't, she was okay with it, so there's that.
posted by dubious_dude at 1:40 PM on May 4, 2023 [4 favorites]
My mum does this dance. I hope yours is a bit better than mine.
this inconsistency is really making me nervous, and it's unfortunately nothing new. My mom can be great when she's warm and helpful but sometimes she can be really cold and withdrawn, and she's a bit unpredictable. She's never hurt me physically or had a huge Dr. Hyde/Mr. Jekyyl moment, but she can be very indecisive and sometimes a bit dependent on others.
1. I know how hard this is, but you do not have to manage her emotions. Understanding her arrival and say, ordering an Uber for her, that's courteous. But her waffling...you can just take that as her anxiety or her concerns, and not really yours to manage. Give her the solution that you can and let her be indecisive and dependent.
2. With my mother, sometimes saying "mum, I'm so overwhelmed that I'm even more grateful you're helping. I really can't manage (x, y, z) but I can manage (A, B, C)." Just hold that line and remind her she's helping you to help her keep it straight.
3. Maybe compromise on one night in the guest room paid by you?
You're doing great.
posted by warriorqueen at 1:41 PM on May 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
this inconsistency is really making me nervous, and it's unfortunately nothing new. My mom can be great when she's warm and helpful but sometimes she can be really cold and withdrawn, and she's a bit unpredictable. She's never hurt me physically or had a huge Dr. Hyde/Mr. Jekyyl moment, but she can be very indecisive and sometimes a bit dependent on others.
1. I know how hard this is, but you do not have to manage her emotions. Understanding her arrival and say, ordering an Uber for her, that's courteous. But her waffling...you can just take that as her anxiety or her concerns, and not really yours to manage. Give her the solution that you can and let her be indecisive and dependent.
2. With my mother, sometimes saying "mum, I'm so overwhelmed that I'm even more grateful you're helping. I really can't manage (x, y, z) but I can manage (A, B, C)." Just hold that line and remind her she's helping you to help her keep it straight.
3. Maybe compromise on one night in the guest room paid by you?
You're doing great.
posted by warriorqueen at 1:41 PM on May 4, 2023 [2 favorites]
All those friends you are visiting? Lean on them. Can one of your friends be your moms point of contact and be the concierge for her stay. This friend can handle organizing texts, key exchange, ground transportation, etc. Give your friend a budget and empower decision making.
posted by shock muppet at 6:49 PM on May 4, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by shock muppet at 6:49 PM on May 4, 2023 [5 favorites]
This sounds like a lot of Guess communication around costs. Her hemming and hawing is happening right at the juncture where loving intentions meet financial realities. If you can cover some or all of the $350, I would.
I feel really out of sync with a lot of these comments. I don't know what kind of commitment she knowingly made versus which of these costs understandably weren't clear at the time, so maybe I missed a chapter of the backstory. But being like "this is what I need, and I can discuss this no further" doesn't seem cool. It puts her in the position of footing all the costs or backing out. Maybe, rather than her backing out, you'd prefer to spend the $350 or let her stay with you. Your suggestion of splitting the $350 might've been exactly what she was fishing around for. (I was raised deep in Guess culture, and though I don't defend it, I do recognize that there are some otherwise-wonderful people who either can't speak Ask or revert to Guess in situations they care a lot about, maybe including her wish to support you.)
Anyway I'm so sorry about the stress. I'd be stressed out of my mind. My suggestion is to tell her "I really want to get the logistics nailed down, can we talk and make some decisions?" and then approach that conversation knowing how much money you could dedicate to getting the arrangements you'd prefer, and where you could cut corners to save money. I totally understand why the entire situation is altogether too much and hope you can get the logistics locked down soon to remove that source of anxiety.
posted by slidell at 7:32 PM on May 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
I feel really out of sync with a lot of these comments. I don't know what kind of commitment she knowingly made versus which of these costs understandably weren't clear at the time, so maybe I missed a chapter of the backstory. But being like "this is what I need, and I can discuss this no further" doesn't seem cool. It puts her in the position of footing all the costs or backing out. Maybe, rather than her backing out, you'd prefer to spend the $350 or let her stay with you. Your suggestion of splitting the $350 might've been exactly what she was fishing around for. (I was raised deep in Guess culture, and though I don't defend it, I do recognize that there are some otherwise-wonderful people who either can't speak Ask or revert to Guess in situations they care a lot about, maybe including her wish to support you.)
Anyway I'm so sorry about the stress. I'd be stressed out of my mind. My suggestion is to tell her "I really want to get the logistics nailed down, can we talk and make some decisions?" and then approach that conversation knowing how much money you could dedicate to getting the arrangements you'd prefer, and where you could cut corners to save money. I totally understand why the entire situation is altogether too much and hope you can get the logistics locked down soon to remove that source of anxiety.
posted by slidell at 7:32 PM on May 4, 2023 [3 favorites]
I'm not sure it's worth reading "too much" into your mother's behavior. Unfortunately, people don't always make sense and they aren't always consistent. It can be easy to read malice where there was none intended. Without knowing the situation/ people first hand, let's just say I wouldn't be surprised if your mom's decisions change after her initial desires meet the financial realities of her bank account. Moreover, there is this awkward dance that happens sometimes when someone doesn't want to admit that plans have changed due to financial constraints.
Also in terms of "expectation management," it doesn't seem like your mother has a consistent intuition on how to be helpful to you in your current situation. It is doubtful that this will change. At best your mother gets a "bless her heart" she's trying. Therefore, you need to be clear on what you need and what your expectations are. So if you haven't discussed it already, you might say that your doctor thinks you will need help at home for x to y number of days. Since you know she needs to plan (you know plane fares are expensive these days) you would like her to stay z days, and if necessary you will hire a home nurse/ health aid. (And of course you will be prepared to explain to her that you checked everything out and you know how to hire such a person.)
posted by oceano at 9:24 PM on May 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
Also in terms of "expectation management," it doesn't seem like your mother has a consistent intuition on how to be helpful to you in your current situation. It is doubtful that this will change. At best your mother gets a "bless her heart" she's trying. Therefore, you need to be clear on what you need and what your expectations are. So if you haven't discussed it already, you might say that your doctor thinks you will need help at home for x to y number of days. Since you know she needs to plan (you know plane fares are expensive these days) you would like her to stay z days, and if necessary you will hire a home nurse/ health aid. (And of course you will be prepared to explain to her that you checked everything out and you know how to hire such a person.)
posted by oceano at 9:24 PM on May 4, 2023 [1 favorite]
Just a bit of perspective from having had some high stakes surgeries -
1) you are going to feel anxious no matter what. If it wasn’t your mom being weird and flaky it would be something else. It’s kinda nice that she is giving you something to be anxious about that isn’t something worse. (At least, this is my experience and how I’ve come to appreciate the weirdness of some people pre-surgery.)
2) She is also probably very stressed out and anxious about being your caretaker and worrying over you. This is totally normal! And one of the things that happens when people get stressed out is that they don’t remember conversations well. Our brains just don’t encode them when we have a certain amount of stress. My experience is that this happens with everyone who has cared about me pre-surgery. It’s super frustrating and also it clears up.
So, I would say just ride out this weird hard week and maybe make a little cheat sheet of information for her about what y’all have agreed so she can refer back to it when you direct her to it.
And it’ll be ok! I’m so glad you are able to get surgery now instead of in a couple months! That’s wonderful and you are doing everything right.
posted by Bottlecap at 5:09 AM on May 5, 2023 [4 favorites]
1) you are going to feel anxious no matter what. If it wasn’t your mom being weird and flaky it would be something else. It’s kinda nice that she is giving you something to be anxious about that isn’t something worse. (At least, this is my experience and how I’ve come to appreciate the weirdness of some people pre-surgery.)
2) She is also probably very stressed out and anxious about being your caretaker and worrying over you. This is totally normal! And one of the things that happens when people get stressed out is that they don’t remember conversations well. Our brains just don’t encode them when we have a certain amount of stress. My experience is that this happens with everyone who has cared about me pre-surgery. It’s super frustrating and also it clears up.
So, I would say just ride out this weird hard week and maybe make a little cheat sheet of information for her about what y’all have agreed so she can refer back to it when you direct her to it.
And it’ll be ok! I’m so glad you are able to get surgery now instead of in a couple months! That’s wonderful and you are doing everything right.
posted by Bottlecap at 5:09 AM on May 5, 2023 [4 favorites]
Wishing you all the best with your surgery and recovery! Hugs from an internet stranger :)
posted by goodsearch at 12:19 PM on May 5, 2023
posted by goodsearch at 12:19 PM on May 5, 2023
Regarding the airport pickup.... If you are doing a colon prep, then NO you cannot leave the house from the moment you take the first sip of the prep until you go to the surgical center. I have sympathy for your shy bowel, but during that day (or 2), you will be spending a lot of time in the bathroom. Best wishes.
posted by CathyG at 9:33 PM on May 7, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by CathyG at 9:33 PM on May 7, 2023 [2 favorites]
When you can, will you let us know how you're doing?
posted by kimberussell at 3:57 PM on May 11, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by kimberussell at 3:57 PM on May 11, 2023 [6 favorites]
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And then just don't engage. Let her sort it out. Tell her your boundaries and expect her to respect them. She is an adult, she can figure out where she's sleeping.
posted by restless_nomad at 10:41 AM on May 4, 2023 [53 favorites]