Car Passenger Etiquette

May 4, 2023 5:56 AM

When you are riding as a front-seat passenger in a car, what are the rules of etiquette with respect to the driver?

I'm most interested in whether a front-seat passenger owes the driver conversation, especially on longer car trips, and what the limits of any such obligation are. Give me your perspective as a driver and as a passenger. Is it rude for a front-seat passenger not to engage in conversation? Should the passenger wait for the driver to initiate? Explanations for answers would be welcome.

posted by Jonathan Livengood to Human Relations (37 answers total)

This depends 100% on the driver. Better to just ask if they'd like to chat or listen to music/a podcast or prefer to focus on driving.
posted by carrioncomfort at 6:01 AM on May 4, 2023 [8 favorites]

It depends entirely on your relationship with the driver (as in, this very relationship dictates the etiquette or relevant norms).
posted by Ahmad Khani at 6:07 AM on May 4, 2023 [28 favorites]

It depends on the relationship between the driver and the passenger, as well as the nature of the trip.

For example, if I am driving 3+ hours with my mother or my boyfriend, we are likely alternately talking, listening to music, or sitting in comfortable silence. If I am driving with my boss, I will try to make conversation that is easy and interesting, regardless of whether I am driver or passenger. If I am driving with a friend, we are likely chatting. If I have picked up a ride from a friend of a friend, maybe some token conversation and then I would read my book as the passenger. So on, and so on.
posted by hepta at 6:10 AM on May 4, 2023 [12 favorites]

If the driver wants conversation and is driving, especially at night or over long distances, it is expected of the passenger to provide such conversation.
posted by Night_owl at 6:15 AM on May 4, 2023 [24 favorites]

There's enough diversity across drivers, passengers and trips to make any definitive answer to this question wrong more often than it's right.
posted by flabdablet at 6:21 AM on May 4, 2023 [6 favorites]

100% dependent on the relationship but my front seat tasks include; opening and handing bottles, banans etc to driver. Organising music, podcasts whatever, doing entertaining car-seat dances to bops, flashing speed cameras, navigating including keeping track of where s good put stop might be, keeping an extra eye out for wildlife if it's dusk or dawn hours.
posted by Iteki at 6:24 AM on May 4, 2023 [10 favorites]

"Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole." --Dean to Sam, Supernatural S01E01
posted by enfa at 6:26 AM on May 4, 2023 [21 favorites]

One thing not yet mentioned: I think the passenger generally shouldn't make or receive phone calls.

(Of course, drivers shouldn't either, regardless of any passengers, but that is for safety.)
posted by NotLost at 6:34 AM on May 4, 2023 [4 favorites]

The passenger might also help with safety, such as "Do you see X?"
posted by NotLost at 6:35 AM on May 4, 2023 [1 favorite]

Yeah, the polite thing to do is defer to the driver - beyond that, drivers have lots of different preferences!
posted by sagc at 6:37 AM on May 4, 2023

Back when I was hitchhiking more often, I found that drivers would typically pick me up specifically to have someone to talk to. Sometimes that meant they wanted someone to talk at, sometimes to talk with. Conversation (of one sort or another, sometimes really weird) was how I paid for those free rides.

So I think it all depends on your relationship. Are you bumming a ride? Then yes, you kind of "owe" the driver the level of conversation (or quiet) that they want. Or, are you close friends who are riding together? Then I'd hope you both would settle on a mutually-enjoyable level of conversation or quiet.

It's sort of like how there are people with whom it would be very comfortable to sit at a table together, not talking, both reading books or on their phones. And there are other people where if you were at a table with them, it would be polite and normal to have a conversation, and rude to instead stare at your phone. It's a "read the room" thing, not something with universal rigid rules.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:37 AM on May 4, 2023 [3 favorites]

The only hard and fast rule I have is: if someone is driving me a long distance at night, I stay awake and try to keep an eye on their wakefulness, too. It just feels like common sense, even if the driver says it's fine for me to sleep.
posted by guessthis at 6:46 AM on May 4, 2023 [6 favorites]

As many have already said, it greatly depends. In my family, the rules for the passenger are more or less as follows:

1. Absolutely must remain awake at all times.
2. Must engage in conversation when initiated by the driver.
3. May initiate conversation, but must shut up when told to. Corollary: The driver must have a time-sensitive reason for telling the passenger to shut up, such as "The GPS is giving directions", not "I'm listening to this podcast, which I can pause or rewind."
4. Must retrieve drinks or snacks for driver, and request "Do you want it opened?" before handing over.
5. May suggest next playlist or podcast; can only request changes of currently running song or podcast if providing a reason.
6. May point out hazards ahead, using as few words as possible to convey issue, but not just "AH!"

posted by Etrigan at 6:52 AM on May 4, 2023 [8 favorites]

Front seat passenger should assist with navigation and what Iteki said and most of what Etrigan said. Passengers can sleep, esp. if they're the next driver. No problem for me if passenger makes reasonable calls (not loud, rowdy, or long). The driver gets to be mostly in charge of car operation, but not necessarily where you stop for meals or scenic outlooks. Conversation - ask. If 2 people can't decide about conversation, and it's not a safety issue, one of both should learn negotiation skills. Some people like to talk (raises hand), some don't; this should be worked out. If the driver asks for conversation to stay awake, that a requirement.

My car, my rules is a jerk move if the car owner insisted in driving, but wants to leave early and miss stuff, stop to visit their Mom, whatever.

If someone offers you rides, offer cash for gas; don't just offer to pay, actually hold out the cash.
posted by theora55 at 7:03 AM on May 4, 2023

Adding on to what Etrigan said above:
If the driver asks to be alerted to something for safety reasons, it's smart if the passenger uses non-ambivalent language.
For example, as a driver I sometimes ask whether there are any cyclists coming up behind me, when I want to turn right. My default passenger will never say 'yes' or 'no' , because that would depend on the exact question (is the road free? Is there a cyclist?) and it's much too easy to mix up 'Yes, you can turn' and 'Yes, there is someone coming'. So he either says 'free' or 'cyclist'.
posted by Too-Ticky at 7:20 AM on May 4, 2023 [2 favorites]

Just to address one aspect of your question - my husband and I make long-day or multi-day drives every 6 weeks or so and there are situations in which a passenger should help and not sleep, and some of that is contingent on how the driver is feeling. We switch drivers about every 2 hours because we're both prone to road hypnosis anyway, but if the driver is getting the weirds anyway they ask the passenger to basically increase engagement and entertainment. Passenger assists in complex navigation situations. Generally no sleeping passengers after dark when they're helping visually monitor the road and keeping the driver alert. (We also TRY not to drive much past dark.)

I personally hate it when he's flippity-flapping around controls and screens when he's driving and have stated a rule that "passengers push buttons" but I don't get 100% compliance and am guilty of tweaking the AC when I'm driving myself.

But ALL of this is negotiated. Some of the rules were created in response to a problem, but we discuss them all. The only thing we haven't gotten fully locked in yet is trying to find a good signal word that means "I am about to talk about a thing that could be a danger but I am actually just pointing out something interesting", which came up after many days of me announcing cows doing normal cow things in cow places - as one does - and then suddenly there was a cow on the shoulder and all I could do was sputter "c-c-cow! cow! two cows!".

If I'm jumping in the car with a friend for a trip longer than 20-40 minutes that can reasonably be chit-chatted through, I just ask.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:38 AM on May 4, 2023

Totally variable, by person and type/length/time of day of trip. To the extent I can generalize at all I suppose it's:

* passenger doesn't get to select or mess with music/podcast/podfic unless invited to
* if driver is not picking up conversational cues or seems to prefer quiet, passenger adjusts accordingly
* on a long trip it is passenger's job to say COW if there is a cow
posted by Stacey at 7:52 AM on May 4, 2023

I've honestly never thought about the driver-passenger relationship this way, because in my experience the only necessary things -- the only hard and fast rules -- are to give the driver silence if they need a moment to focus on driving and to help them if help is requested. At all other times it's just the same negotiation that any two people would work out regarding appropriate levels of conversation based on their relationship and sitting in a small room together.

I don't recognize the concept of driver primacy on road trips (aside from the rules mentioned above). I say this as the person who's usually the driver. The passenger doesn't 'owe' the driver conversation. If the passenger wants to sleep or read or text, that's totally cool -- as long as the driver is also able to listen to podcasts/music at a reasonable volume. Both the driver and the passenger should avoid long phone calls, although this too could be fine depending on circumstances. Just not on speaker.

I'll just add that if this were a matter of the driver needing conversation from the passenger to stay alert, they either need to switch roles or take a break. No level of conversation is going to make a tired driver alert enough to drive safely.

Edited to add: Road trips are almost always in rental cars since few people own cars where I live. This means the driver usually doesn't have a sense of 'ownership' over the car and isn't bothered with setting rules.
posted by theory at 8:13 AM on May 4, 2023 [2 favorites]

I'll just add that if this were a matter of the driver needing conversation from the passenger to stay alert, they either need to switch roles or take a break. No level of conversation is going to make a tired driver alert enough to drive safely.

We recently acquired a car with many bells and whistles, including dynamic cruise control (it senses vehicles ahead and adjusts speed accordingly) and lane assist (it gently keeps you between the lines). The combination of these two things has made me incredibly susceptible to road hypnosis -- and yes, one of the bells and/or whistles is a feature that alerts me when I'm not interacting with the steering wheel every few seconds. Even with that, I find myself nodding if I'm not otherwise engaged. The driving process is taking up so little of my brain that it might as well be zero and my brain says "Okay, guess I can sleep now if you're not using me." I need to have a conversation, either with the passenger or the podcast I'm listening to (trivia podcasts are great for this). It's not necessarily about tiredness.
posted by Etrigan at 8:33 AM on May 4, 2023 [1 favorite]

Just don't be that passenger who backseat drives. "There's a car coming" or "It's clear, go." There are always cars coming. Just because it's clear on one side, doesn't mean it's clear on the other.

It's the driver's job to judge the traffic, not the passenger's. There are certain passengers I have to drive around who can't shut up about what they see on the road, and their comments are NOT helpful. If anything, they make me much more nervous and hesitant, which then leads me to push myself, which in turn causes me to underestimate situations.

An emergency--spotting a deer that is about to bolt across the road is one thing. Speak up when that happens. Beyond that, refrain from commenting about traffic beyond "why is there a traffic jam on the highway at 3:00 on a Sunday morning" or "I swear the moon has fewer craters that this local road."
posted by sardonyx at 8:47 AM on May 4, 2023

For road trips, I'll usually say something at the beginning. Conversation and music is fine, but if I suddenly go silent or fail to reply to a statement, or if I mute the radio, I'm super focused on driving at the moment. Re-stating your question or turning the music back on is not helping and is actively distracting me. Just give me a moment. Or, if the GPS chimes in mid-conversation, a quick shush and a raised finger or handwave seems to be universal for "Just a moment, I need to hear this."

For long, cross-country road trips, I usually prefer the passenger (if they are also able to drive) to nap while I'm driving, so that we can alternate shifts. I am not the type to try to push through when tired, nor will I ride with such, so alternating shifts of 3-4 hours or whatever it is between fuel stops works well, until we call it a day.
posted by xedrik at 9:02 AM on May 4, 2023

Give the driver snacks to eat - but unwrap them first.
posted by rongorongo at 9:29 AM on May 4, 2023 [2 favorites]

I'm gonna get flamed for this but: the passenger is in a better place to say, "you're clear to pass this left-lane zombie on the right"
posted by Dashy at 9:43 AM on May 4, 2023

The passenger does have some obligation to keep the driver happy insofar as it is in the passenger’s best interest to have an alert and happy driver.
Interestingly this isn’t the case if you are paying for the trip, right? The chauffeur/passenger dynamic is different.
posted by Vatnesine at 9:53 AM on May 4, 2023

I'm gonna get flamed for this but: the passenger is in a better place to say, "you're clear to pass this left-lane zombie on the right"
posted by Dashy at 9:43 AM

You're right, but you have to have the kind of relationship with the driver where that kind of advice is wanted and is trusted. When I drive with my sibling, we do that for each other, but we know each other's capabilities and tolerances and preferences and driving styles well enough for that to work.

As everybody has been saying, it's one of those "it depends on the people involved" situations that is unique to every passenger-driver pairing.
posted by sardonyx at 10:12 AM on May 4, 2023

In my family and among my road tripping Deadhead friends, the shotgun rider's obligation is to make life easier and safer for the driver. No more, no less.

The only other rule I have is that driver picks the music.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:27 AM on May 4, 2023 [2 favorites]

IMO as a driver:

1) I could care less if you talk to me, but don't talk at me. I can't rebut points and drive and driving sucks hard enough to be pissed at shotgun.

2) Driver picks the music. Driver has nothing to do but stare straight ahead so driver gets one thing to relax to.

3) I don't care if shotgun talks on phone, sleeps, reads, etc. I don't need shotgun to be awake and ask every 5 minutes if I'm awake.

4) shotgun reaches for snacks and drinks

5) shotgun navigates, if we are going to a shotgun-chosen destination and don't feel like programming it into the navigator.
posted by The_Vegetables at 10:47 AM on May 4, 2023 [1 favorite]

I used to think "driver chooses the music" but since I've been in so many situations where passengers complain about the music; or won't stop talking among themselves so the driver can hear the music; or they even tell the driver to turn it down (or off) so they can talk, I now know the driver only really gets to choose the music when driving alone. So I don't even bother turning the radio on, anymore, when there's passengers.

I will state that the driver gets to override any passenger adjustments to the heater/air conditioning and window positioning.
posted by Rash at 11:20 AM on May 4, 2023

I think the key is to be as supportive as possible to the driver. So: offering drinks/snacks, asking to let you know if they want to change the music/podcast, acting as a navigator if they're not using their phone for directions, etc. As for conversation, if you don't know them super-well or haven't done a road trip with them before, try to take their cues as much as possible - if they seem to want conversation, be a good conversation partner. If they seem to want to just listen to music/podcast, then let them do so.

One very specific thing: phone calls. Years ago, I went on a day trip with a relatively new friend where I was the driver (and it was a rental under my name so he couldn't drive). On the way home, he took a call from a college friend and talked to her for the rest of the ride home (about an hour). It was so annoying because I didn't really feel like I could turn the music on so I had to just spend the entire hour driving in the dark, listening to his side of a catchup call. And we were new enough friends that I didn't really feel like I could ask him to hang up either. That was 10+ years ago and I still get annoyed when I think about it so ... don't do that.
posted by lunasol at 11:47 AM on May 4, 2023 [3 favorites]

It depends and is hugely personal. My one general rule though is that I won't drive people who engage in constant backseat driving. Assuming they seem competent, they are welcome to drive me. Or we travel separately.
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:50 AM on May 4, 2023 [1 favorite]

It depends. Ask the driver!

I like extra help on driving tasks I find nerve-wracking, like merging onto a busy freeway.

But be logical and sensible about it. "You're ok to merge. .(long pause)...after this huge truck goes by."

WHAT? WHAT TRUCK?
posted by champers at 12:25 PM on May 4, 2023

Do not fuck with the audio without asking. Do not adjust the windows without asking. Do not blast the heat without asking. Do not put on headphones without asking. Do not act surprised or aggrieved if you do these things without asking and the driver gets pissed at you.

Do not stare at your phone until you get carsick and then demand the driver change her driving to accommodate your sickness.

Shut up when the driver is doing something complicated or listening for valuable information.

If the driver makes a reasonable request, do it. If you agree to do something, do not whine, do not fuck up, and do not give up.
posted by Ptrin at 12:37 PM on May 4, 2023

Another "it depends."

It depends on the relationship between the driver and passenger. It depends a lot on what the person operating the vehicle needs and wants. It depends a lot on whether you're two friends or a couple taking a trip together or if you're being driven somewhere as a favor.

I rarely ride with people I don't know well these days. I haven't done a long drive with an acquaintance since the 90s.

But I'd say it'd be rude to be a chatterbox as a passenger if the driver wants quiet. But it would be rude to demand conversation from a person, too, if you're the driver. But it'd also be rude IMO to treat someone as your chauffeur if they're doing you a favor driving you somewhere.

Short version: I think this should be negotiated. And if you're the passenger and don't feel like you can uphold the driver's (reasonable) expectations, find another driver. If the driver has unreasonable expectations... really find another driver. And if you're the driver, don't agree to schlep someone around if you don't think you'll be happy with their participation or lack thereof.

IMO it's etched in stone that the driver gets to pick the music. When I was first dating my wife, before we took our first long drive, I told her I did not negotiate on music selection when I'm driving. Not with anyone. "If I was driving Sir Paul McCartney himself," I said, "he'd just have to sit there and listen to whatever I was in the mood for." She loves to tell that story to others. (She took it in the spirit in which it was intended, which is why we are now happily married...)

For long trips, I would note that I'd expect some gaps in conversation. I don't think I could drive a really long stretch with anybody without a little quiet time. If you expect, like, eight hours of non-stop chatter as a driver or passenger, I do not want to be in the car.

The passenger and driver should be open to cues. If you've tried two or three conversational gambits, and all you're getting is grunts, then maybe let it go.
posted by jzb at 12:43 PM on May 4, 2023

In my family and among my road tripping Deadhead friends, the shotgun rider's obligation is to make life easier and safer for the driver. No more, no less.

The only other rule I have is that driver picks the music.

Exactly this.
posted by oneirodynia at 2:53 PM on May 4, 2023 [1 favorite]

It depends. For drives with complex traffic, "The Nagrivator" can sometimes help to gently mention upcoming lane changes and call attention to odd traffic patterns up ahead (yeah there's backseat drivin', but cloverleafs can get snarly). For long drives, reasonable conversation and pop-culture/music-opinion quiz are okay, with spaces in between.
posted by ovvl at 7:18 PM on May 4, 2023 [1 favorite]

There are a few more special cases for a car where the steering happens to be on the wrong side for the particular country:
1. Passenger takes tickets from "wrong side" machines and kiosks in car parks, etc,
2. Passenger assists driver in choosing moment to overtake as requested.
3. Passenger tells driver if cars are oncoming when turning onto main road at an oblique T junction.
4. Passenger maintains semi-paranoid vigilance about driver forgetting to drive on correct side of road .
5. Passenger seeks out situations where oncoming drivers instinctively look at them as the expected controller of car - then pretends to be asleep or using a toy steering wheel (occasionally passenger can be usefully replaced by large dog in these circumstances).
posted by rongorongo at 10:45 PM on May 4, 2023 [1 favorite]

Passenger is obligated to say, when answering in the affirmative, "Correct." Because "right" is confusing and dangerous.
posted by Liesl at 8:11 AM on May 5, 2023 [2 favorites]