I (30F) am unsure how to handle my relationship with my stepmom (50F).
April 30, 2023 9:23 AM Subscribe
TLDR: I think my stepmom is jealous of me or doesn’t like me. She tells me it’s all in my head and that my mom put it all in my head. I just introduced my boyfriend to my dad and my stepmom made me feel like we were unwelcome. Why?
Does it seem like my (30F) stepmom (50F) is jealous of me, or what could be the problem?
I am 30F. My parents divorced before I was born and I grew up with my dad because my mom had severe mental illness and a 5th grade education.
My stepmom moved in when I was four along with two stepsisters.
I always felt like my stepmom had contempt for me.
My sister is ten years older than me and ran away at 16. Her and my stepmom have a good relationship. My sister has cut off our mom over 20 years ago (she’s 41).
I felt whenever my sister came to visit my stepmom would put on act act but behind closed doors she was mean.
Anyways yesterday I brought my new boyfriend to meet my dad and stepmom for the first time. My dad spent most of the time with us, I had asked my dad if we could come over. My stepmom was giving several signs of being on edge. She kept slamming doors and making loud sighs and bickering with my dad. She did conversate a bit too but she didn’t authentically seem to enjoy that we were there, at least I felt. I felt a bit unwelcome by her I guess as I always have.
She has told me I should have brought him over several times. On the one hand I sense she gets jealous when my dad gives me attention. The house is full of pictures of her kids and just a couple of me. She also suspected I told my first boyfriend as a teen bad things about her (…I did. Oops..). And when I lived with my dad and her while in college she was very very cold towards me but told my sister that I won’t talk to anyone. It felt very hostile living there but my dad always said to stay as long as I’d like and geared up when I got my first apartment, while I felt my stepmom was making fun of the stuff I bought for said apartment and was very cold that morning I moved, ignoring me.
I don’t know why she was giving signs of aggression in front of my boyfriend the first time meeting him, it made me feel unwelcome and like I imposed on her day. She is getting ready to host my aunt next weekend and I guess maybe we came on a day she was trying to get stuff done but the house looked perfect? Also as soon as my stepmom found out that my boyfriend lived with his parents (he works on the family farm and will inherit it) she instantly disliked him when I told them about him last summer. Which is a reason why it took me so long to introduce my boyfriend to the family, because he is very well loved by his family and friends, and I did not want to bring him to my family and have them treat him badly :’( which he was afraid of not being liked, because he is from the country and not from a ton of money, while my dad lives in a nice neighborhood and we’re from the city (suburbs).
Also every time as a kid when I said she wasn’t treating me well, she would get a real mean look and point her finger in my face and yell “it’s all in your head, your mom put that sh!t in your head!!” So I felt gaslighted while my sister and stepmom and stepsisters all claim the narrative that my mom turned me against my stepmom and sister and they did nothing wrong.
People might say talk to my dad about it but I’m not sure how that would go. He used to hurt me when I spoke back to my stepmom as a kid and has never acknowledged any ill treatment of her towards me, maybe it is in my head? He also told me a decade ago that he got her to take care of us kids.
I know being a stepparent is a massively hard job emotionally and socially and I don’t think I’d want to do it, I’ve never dated anyone with kids before… I’m not a perfect kid either, though my dad always said I was a great kid and there seemed to be competition between my dad and stepmom and telling eachother whose kids were more messed up or worse or something. I was a pretty introverted and quiet kid who did well in school and stayed out of trouble for the most part.
Again when my sister is around (who I don’t get along with well, she is domineering and judgemental and I believe narcissistic) my stepmom acts respectful and engaged and my sister thinks a lot of my stepmom. I know there are two sides to every story and I would like to have mature and respectful relationships. I feel if I asked my stepmom what’s up with her behavior and is there something wrong, she would deny it and get angry. She used to claim I’m the problem and I’m unfriendly and don’t talk to anyone when I felt a very cold disposition to me. My mom hates hearing how my stepmom treats me and says she’s just jealous when my dad gives me attention and that she wants it to be all about her and her kids and is nice to my sister because she knows my sister will take no sh!t and demands respect. Even though my sister and stepmoms relationship seems a bit fake and superficial, my sister has tried to really bond with her but my stepmom is naturally closer with her own kids.
I also feel like when my dad has helped me in the past, she gets mad. Like my dad will insist on changing my oil, and then while he’s doing it my stepmom will say angrily that he’s too old to be doing that and implying I shouldn’t take help from him it’s inconsiderate because he is old (he was in his 50s).
I never said one bad thing about my dad or stepmom to my boyfriend as I want him to be my forever person and don’t want to cause any problems.
My boyfriend didn’t say anything about how my stepmom acted, he said everyone was very nice (I took him to meet my mom after too) and I wanted to ask him if he noticed her seeming angry but didn’t want to cause tension. Idk what to do except ignore it, I’m not sure bringing it up to my dad or stepmom would go well at all.
Does it seem like my (30F) stepmom (50F) is jealous of me, or what could be the problem?
I am 30F. My parents divorced before I was born and I grew up with my dad because my mom had severe mental illness and a 5th grade education.
My stepmom moved in when I was four along with two stepsisters.
I always felt like my stepmom had contempt for me.
My sister is ten years older than me and ran away at 16. Her and my stepmom have a good relationship. My sister has cut off our mom over 20 years ago (she’s 41).
I felt whenever my sister came to visit my stepmom would put on act act but behind closed doors she was mean.
Anyways yesterday I brought my new boyfriend to meet my dad and stepmom for the first time. My dad spent most of the time with us, I had asked my dad if we could come over. My stepmom was giving several signs of being on edge. She kept slamming doors and making loud sighs and bickering with my dad. She did conversate a bit too but she didn’t authentically seem to enjoy that we were there, at least I felt. I felt a bit unwelcome by her I guess as I always have.
She has told me I should have brought him over several times. On the one hand I sense she gets jealous when my dad gives me attention. The house is full of pictures of her kids and just a couple of me. She also suspected I told my first boyfriend as a teen bad things about her (…I did. Oops..). And when I lived with my dad and her while in college she was very very cold towards me but told my sister that I won’t talk to anyone. It felt very hostile living there but my dad always said to stay as long as I’d like and geared up when I got my first apartment, while I felt my stepmom was making fun of the stuff I bought for said apartment and was very cold that morning I moved, ignoring me.
I don’t know why she was giving signs of aggression in front of my boyfriend the first time meeting him, it made me feel unwelcome and like I imposed on her day. She is getting ready to host my aunt next weekend and I guess maybe we came on a day she was trying to get stuff done but the house looked perfect? Also as soon as my stepmom found out that my boyfriend lived with his parents (he works on the family farm and will inherit it) she instantly disliked him when I told them about him last summer. Which is a reason why it took me so long to introduce my boyfriend to the family, because he is very well loved by his family and friends, and I did not want to bring him to my family and have them treat him badly :’( which he was afraid of not being liked, because he is from the country and not from a ton of money, while my dad lives in a nice neighborhood and we’re from the city (suburbs).
Also every time as a kid when I said she wasn’t treating me well, she would get a real mean look and point her finger in my face and yell “it’s all in your head, your mom put that sh!t in your head!!” So I felt gaslighted while my sister and stepmom and stepsisters all claim the narrative that my mom turned me against my stepmom and sister and they did nothing wrong.
People might say talk to my dad about it but I’m not sure how that would go. He used to hurt me when I spoke back to my stepmom as a kid and has never acknowledged any ill treatment of her towards me, maybe it is in my head? He also told me a decade ago that he got her to take care of us kids.
I know being a stepparent is a massively hard job emotionally and socially and I don’t think I’d want to do it, I’ve never dated anyone with kids before… I’m not a perfect kid either, though my dad always said I was a great kid and there seemed to be competition between my dad and stepmom and telling eachother whose kids were more messed up or worse or something. I was a pretty introverted and quiet kid who did well in school and stayed out of trouble for the most part.
Again when my sister is around (who I don’t get along with well, she is domineering and judgemental and I believe narcissistic) my stepmom acts respectful and engaged and my sister thinks a lot of my stepmom. I know there are two sides to every story and I would like to have mature and respectful relationships. I feel if I asked my stepmom what’s up with her behavior and is there something wrong, she would deny it and get angry. She used to claim I’m the problem and I’m unfriendly and don’t talk to anyone when I felt a very cold disposition to me. My mom hates hearing how my stepmom treats me and says she’s just jealous when my dad gives me attention and that she wants it to be all about her and her kids and is nice to my sister because she knows my sister will take no sh!t and demands respect. Even though my sister and stepmoms relationship seems a bit fake and superficial, my sister has tried to really bond with her but my stepmom is naturally closer with her own kids.
I also feel like when my dad has helped me in the past, she gets mad. Like my dad will insist on changing my oil, and then while he’s doing it my stepmom will say angrily that he’s too old to be doing that and implying I shouldn’t take help from him it’s inconsiderate because he is old (he was in his 50s).
I never said one bad thing about my dad or stepmom to my boyfriend as I want him to be my forever person and don’t want to cause any problems.
My boyfriend didn’t say anything about how my stepmom acted, he said everyone was very nice (I took him to meet my mom after too) and I wanted to ask him if he noticed her seeming angry but didn’t want to cause tension. Idk what to do except ignore it, I’m not sure bringing it up to my dad or stepmom would go well at all.
Best answer: It sounds like you, through no fault of your own, have been designated the scapegoat of this family. You have to tiptoe around this stepmother and her reactions to you, you can never do right by her ever, and you have to play by a set of rules that will never be defined and doesn't seem to apply to anyone but you.
I don't know what to tell you to do in this situation - I have had multiple people in my life who have also been in this position, and the only thing that helped was to get as far away as possible from the people who have assigned them this role. No arrangement of words from them toward the people who judged them so harshly for no real reason was ever going to change this dynamic.
posted by 41swans at 9:38 AM on April 30, 2023 [22 favorites]
I don't know what to tell you to do in this situation - I have had multiple people in my life who have also been in this position, and the only thing that helped was to get as far away as possible from the people who have assigned them this role. No arrangement of words from them toward the people who judged them so harshly for no real reason was ever going to change this dynamic.
posted by 41swans at 9:38 AM on April 30, 2023 [22 favorites]
Best answer: He used to hurt me when I spoke back to my stepmom as a kid and has never acknowledged any ill treatment of her towards me, maybe it is in my head?
Yeah, no, it's not in your head. There's a lot going on here, but I think at the minimum your stepmother has a long history of pressuring your father to under no circumstances show favoritism towards you, or even be nice to you. From her point of view, it's been a grand success. (Did he actually hit you for talking back to her, by the way?)
At a guess, she is hyper-sensitive to slights and grievances and someone probably ticked her off the day you and your boyfriend came over, but it's impossible to guess who or how. She sounds like the sort of person who wants to control all the relationships in her orbit and hates having the people around her enjoy relationships with each other, because then she loses control.
You sound like a lovely and very forgiving person, maybe a bit too forgiving.
posted by BibiRose at 9:55 AM on April 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
Yeah, no, it's not in your head. There's a lot going on here, but I think at the minimum your stepmother has a long history of pressuring your father to under no circumstances show favoritism towards you, or even be nice to you. From her point of view, it's been a grand success. (Did he actually hit you for talking back to her, by the way?)
At a guess, she is hyper-sensitive to slights and grievances and someone probably ticked her off the day you and your boyfriend came over, but it's impossible to guess who or how. She sounds like the sort of person who wants to control all the relationships in her orbit and hates having the people around her enjoy relationships with each other, because then she loses control.
You sound like a lovely and very forgiving person, maybe a bit too forgiving.
posted by BibiRose at 9:55 AM on April 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Trigger warning: physical abuse. Yes he hit me a couple times when I talked back to her. Once my stepsister and I played a game and she wanted us to clean it up, my stepsister was the one who invited me to play the game, and then her friend came over and while they were hanging out I was supposed to clean it up myself. I was very sensitive to unfairness and said my stepsister should help. Maybe I was being difficult. I started cleaning it up and wasn’t happy about it and my dad threw a remote st my back extremely hard and I had no idea it was coming.
Another time I called her a name under my breath at dinner when I was in middle school (shouldn’t have done that) and while I was taking a drink of milk my dad who sat across from my shoved it in my face and I fell from the stool at the counter on the floor in a puddle of milk and I had cuts and bruises. And then I was screamed at to clean up the mess and I sat alone in my room for hours while my stepsister happily played after dinner and I cried.
I think it’s spot on that she feels she has to control and be apart of all the relationships happening and she gets really upset when my dad and I have one on one time. I really feel she was just upset yesterday that I was coming over and my dad cut the grass even (he hadn’t all year) and spent a couple hours with us. And my aunt is staying next weekend and she’s mad she has to host my aunt. She doesn’t like much of my family.
I also didn’t want to introduce him to my sister with my dad because my sister seems to have made up her mind to not like him either.
I will also note that my one stepsister also is kind of scapegoated, she was the “problem child” and my dad was not nice to her. I was the “lost child” I felt but also feel a bit scapegoated.
posted by anon1129 at 10:00 AM on April 30, 2023
Another time I called her a name under my breath at dinner when I was in middle school (shouldn’t have done that) and while I was taking a drink of milk my dad who sat across from my shoved it in my face and I fell from the stool at the counter on the floor in a puddle of milk and I had cuts and bruises. And then I was screamed at to clean up the mess and I sat alone in my room for hours while my stepsister happily played after dinner and I cried.
I think it’s spot on that she feels she has to control and be apart of all the relationships happening and she gets really upset when my dad and I have one on one time. I really feel she was just upset yesterday that I was coming over and my dad cut the grass even (he hadn’t all year) and spent a couple hours with us. And my aunt is staying next weekend and she’s mad she has to host my aunt. She doesn’t like much of my family.
I also didn’t want to introduce him to my sister with my dad because my sister seems to have made up her mind to not like him either.
I will also note that my one stepsister also is kind of scapegoated, she was the “problem child” and my dad was not nice to her. I was the “lost child” I felt but also feel a bit scapegoated.
posted by anon1129 at 10:00 AM on April 30, 2023
I mean, the trope of "evil stepmother" exists for a reason. Sounds like you've got a classic specimen.
My mom hates hearing how my stepmom treats me and says she’s just jealous when my dad gives me attention and that she wants it to be all about her and her kids and is nice to my sister because she knows my sister will take no sh!t and demands respect.
Your mom is right, except in assigning a reason to why your stepmom is nice to your sister. I don't know why she's nice to your sister, but whatever it is is capricious. She would not all of a sudden start being nice to you if you "took no shit." She would probably escalate and pressure your dad not to see you.
Idk what to do except ignore it, I’m not sure bringing it up to my dad or stepmom would go well at all.
Correct, except, you don't have to keep second guessing yourself. Your perceptions are accurate and your stepmom sucks.
She was always going to find some fault with your boyfriend, by the way --- if he'd been rich, she'd have had a problem with that.
ETA: your dad also sucks, or at least sucked. I'm glad to hear he does decent dad stuff like change your oil (this is not spoiling, this is how parents show love, by doing what they can for their children) but it sounds like he was way too violent with you when you were too little to protect yourself, and that is extremely shitty. However I know from experience that a parent who had a couple (NOT a consistent pattern) of failures along those lines during a kid's childhood, can turn out a decent parent eventually. So I'm not pressuring you to cut ties with him or whatever. But you can acknowledge to yourself what happened and know it was a failure on his part.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:03 AM on April 30, 2023 [10 favorites]
My mom hates hearing how my stepmom treats me and says she’s just jealous when my dad gives me attention and that she wants it to be all about her and her kids and is nice to my sister because she knows my sister will take no sh!t and demands respect.
Your mom is right, except in assigning a reason to why your stepmom is nice to your sister. I don't know why she's nice to your sister, but whatever it is is capricious. She would not all of a sudden start being nice to you if you "took no shit." She would probably escalate and pressure your dad not to see you.
Idk what to do except ignore it, I’m not sure bringing it up to my dad or stepmom would go well at all.
Correct, except, you don't have to keep second guessing yourself. Your perceptions are accurate and your stepmom sucks.
She was always going to find some fault with your boyfriend, by the way --- if he'd been rich, she'd have had a problem with that.
ETA: your dad also sucks, or at least sucked. I'm glad to hear he does decent dad stuff like change your oil (this is not spoiling, this is how parents show love, by doing what they can for their children) but it sounds like he was way too violent with you when you were too little to protect yourself, and that is extremely shitty. However I know from experience that a parent who had a couple (NOT a consistent pattern) of failures along those lines during a kid's childhood, can turn out a decent parent eventually. So I'm not pressuring you to cut ties with him or whatever. But you can acknowledge to yourself what happened and know it was a failure on his part.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:03 AM on April 30, 2023 [10 favorites]
From the information we have, we have no idea what's going on.
But why does it matter to you? You don't like her much, and it's not your job to get her to like you. Ignore it when she seems like she might be pissed off and focus on our relationship with your father. If being around her makes you uncomfortable you can try to plan get-togethers with him without her.
posted by metasarah at 10:06 AM on April 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
But why does it matter to you? You don't like her much, and it's not your job to get her to like you. Ignore it when she seems like she might be pissed off and focus on our relationship with your father. If being around her makes you uncomfortable you can try to plan get-togethers with him without her.
posted by metasarah at 10:06 AM on April 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: My dad has gotten much calmer and kinder as he’s aged. I sense he is sorry for some of his past behavior. He recently moved me and helped me install curtains and treats me pretty well now.
He also bought me my first two cars, well with my moms disability social security money he got for me, which my sister was jealous of, she is also jealous and thinks I had much better treatment, which maybe I did a bit but were a decade apart.
I guess I should just ignore her behavior and focus on my relationship with my dad and my own life and goals.
posted by anon1129 at 10:15 AM on April 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
He also bought me my first two cars, well with my moms disability social security money he got for me, which my sister was jealous of, she is also jealous and thinks I had much better treatment, which maybe I did a bit but were a decade apart.
I guess I should just ignore her behavior and focus on my relationship with my dad and my own life and goals.
posted by anon1129 at 10:15 AM on April 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
I've had a stepmother since I was three, although I didn't live with her. She was never exactly mean to me, but she very obviously preferred the life she lived for 50 weeks a year more than the two she had to spend with me. As an adult I'm distant with but not exactly estranged from my dad, and he's basically said she prefers it that way. I've come to terms with the relationship I have with my dad as an "is" rather than what it could have been.
My own mother has been a stepmother since I was eight. I love my mother to the moon and back, and she has been an incredible mother to me, but she is not a great stepmother to my stepdad's four kids from his first marriage. When they were kids, I think she felt outnumbered and intimidated by them; I was a very quiet only child (by her own design) and that was the kind of child she preferred to be around. They didn't live with us and their mother spoke badly to them about both my stepdad and my mom. As adults, my mom doesn't seem to want to make an effort to be anything more than sort of benignly present when they visit their dad. She says there's a lot I didn't see and she hasn't told me, but it's difficult for me to reconcile the warm person I know so well with the distant person I observe interacting with her stepchildren.
I guess my point is, even good people can be bad stepparents. Her reason for acting that way has much more to do with her own issues than with you. I think your idea of concentrating on your relationship with your dad and trying not to be rattled by her response is a good one. (It also sounds like it would be helpful to compartmentalize the relationships with your sister and mother as well and stop talking to all of them about the others.)
posted by Sweetie Darling at 11:08 AM on April 30, 2023 [10 favorites]
My own mother has been a stepmother since I was eight. I love my mother to the moon and back, and she has been an incredible mother to me, but she is not a great stepmother to my stepdad's four kids from his first marriage. When they were kids, I think she felt outnumbered and intimidated by them; I was a very quiet only child (by her own design) and that was the kind of child she preferred to be around. They didn't live with us and their mother spoke badly to them about both my stepdad and my mom. As adults, my mom doesn't seem to want to make an effort to be anything more than sort of benignly present when they visit their dad. She says there's a lot I didn't see and she hasn't told me, but it's difficult for me to reconcile the warm person I know so well with the distant person I observe interacting with her stepchildren.
I guess my point is, even good people can be bad stepparents. Her reason for acting that way has much more to do with her own issues than with you. I think your idea of concentrating on your relationship with your dad and trying not to be rattled by her response is a good one. (It also sounds like it would be helpful to compartmentalize the relationships with your sister and mother as well and stop talking to all of them about the others.)
posted by Sweetie Darling at 11:08 AM on April 30, 2023 [10 favorites]
Best answer: Oh my dear good grief.
Please spend your precious time and heart building bonds with other people.
posted by amtho at 11:32 AM on April 30, 2023 [16 favorites]
Please spend your precious time and heart building bonds with other people.
posted by amtho at 11:32 AM on April 30, 2023 [16 favorites]
Trust yourself. You have experienced some physical and emotional abuse, unkindness, distrust, lack of care/ affection. It may take some time for you to recognize the extent of it. Therapy can help. Talk to your Dad if you think it will help; it may or may not. You deserved love, support and care and your deserve those things now.
posted by theora55 at 1:00 PM on April 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 1:00 PM on April 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: The whole “saying bad things about her” was just that one day she said that my boyfriend wouldn’t even look at her and asked what I told him about her. This was 15 years ago and I don’t remember much. My boyfriend was a very shy and quiet guy and I didn’t even notice that he apparently wouldn’t look at her, maybe it was her guilty conscience? And I just told my boyfriend about my life like yeah, maybe I said something like my stepmom and I don’t always get along and I don’t think she’s very nice to me. That would’ve been about it.
I already know all about parental alienation and when I talked to therapists they said it doesn’t sound like that’s what it is, they said I had reasons for my feelings and that I can tell when someone has disgust for me which is what I felt like my stepmom had towards me.
I don’t remember if I ever apologized for calling her a bad name 18 years ago… at this point I kind of feel like I doubt our relationship is ever going to be great so I’ll just ride it out as I have been. I’m definitely stopping talking about people/relationships in the family with others as I’ve finally been realizing lately that’s toxic. I know I’m not perfect either. I’d just like to move on with my life
posted by anon1129 at 1:38 PM on April 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
I already know all about parental alienation and when I talked to therapists they said it doesn’t sound like that’s what it is, they said I had reasons for my feelings and that I can tell when someone has disgust for me which is what I felt like my stepmom had towards me.
I don’t remember if I ever apologized for calling her a bad name 18 years ago… at this point I kind of feel like I doubt our relationship is ever going to be great so I’ll just ride it out as I have been. I’m definitely stopping talking about people/relationships in the family with others as I’ve finally been realizing lately that’s toxic. I know I’m not perfect either. I’d just like to move on with my life
posted by anon1129 at 1:38 PM on April 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
I’d just like to move on with my life
Then there’s your answer! Good luck!
posted by susiswimmer at 1:49 PM on April 30, 2023 [6 favorites]
Then there’s your answer! Good luck!
posted by susiswimmer at 1:49 PM on April 30, 2023 [6 favorites]
Best answer: I don’t remember if I ever apologized for calling her a bad name 18 years ago
Um... 18 years ago, you were 12. Twelve years old. Your stepmother was 32. And you were punished by having a glass brutally shoved in your face by your dad, hard enough that you fell off your chair.
You're not the one who should be apologizing here. How would you react, at 30, if a 12-year old called you a nasty name tomorrow? It's probably not with violence and a decades-long grudge.
No arrangement of words from them toward the people who judged them so harshly for no real reason was ever going to change this dynamic.
I came to say this. Sometimes people react to you a certain way because of who they are, not because of who you are. Your stepmother sounds like a very insecure and unhappy person, and you're not going to change that. Concentrate on living your best life from now on, and focus on the people who care about you.
Living well really is the best revenge.
posted by rpfields at 3:10 PM on April 30, 2023 [9 favorites]
Um... 18 years ago, you were 12. Twelve years old. Your stepmother was 32. And you were punished by having a glass brutally shoved in your face by your dad, hard enough that you fell off your chair.
You're not the one who should be apologizing here. How would you react, at 30, if a 12-year old called you a nasty name tomorrow? It's probably not with violence and a decades-long grudge.
No arrangement of words from them toward the people who judged them so harshly for no real reason was ever going to change this dynamic.
I came to say this. Sometimes people react to you a certain way because of who they are, not because of who you are. Your stepmother sounds like a very insecure and unhappy person, and you're not going to change that. Concentrate on living your best life from now on, and focus on the people who care about you.
Living well really is the best revenge.
posted by rpfields at 3:10 PM on April 30, 2023 [9 favorites]
Best answer: Hi, it is absolutely off the hook that you wrote this:
Another time I called her a name under my breath at dinner when I was in middle school (shouldn’t have done that) and while I was taking a drink of milk my dad who sat across from my shoved it in my face and I fell from the stool at the counter on the floor in a puddle of milk and I had cuts and bruises.
And someone suggested you should APOLOGIZE. I flagged that comment and I hope it is removed.
This is child abuse. Shoving a child in anger so hard they fall to the floor and end have cuts and bruises is abuse. Watching that happen and doing nothing is neglect. And child abuse does not take place in a vacuum. Even if the incidents of violence are relatively rare, the emotional neglect, invalidation, and gaslighting that prepare the ground for it are not. You are describing a textbook example of a dysfunctional, abusive family.
Your parents are abusive. The answer to the question of why your parents - both of them - do anything they do is simple: they are abusive. If it helps, you could reframe that as saying simply that they are very very sick, and nothing you can do will help them. They are going to react the way they react, and those reactions are likely to make you feel very, very bad. You are not crazy, you are not overemotional, you are not a bad child, there is nothing you should or can do to change their behavior in the slightest.
The only thing you can do is keep yourself safe from them, both physically and emotionally. This does not mean you have to cut them off immediately, or that you can never speak to them, or that you should confront them. it just means that you need to take care of yourself, and every time you catch yourself wondering what you've done to make them behave this way, the answer is nothing. They are abusive, and there is nothing you could ever have done to change that, not even one little bit.
I am sending you love and wishing you luck. I'm so sorry.
posted by Merricat Blackwood at 3:14 PM on April 30, 2023 [36 favorites]
Another time I called her a name under my breath at dinner when I was in middle school (shouldn’t have done that) and while I was taking a drink of milk my dad who sat across from my shoved it in my face and I fell from the stool at the counter on the floor in a puddle of milk and I had cuts and bruises.
And someone suggested you should APOLOGIZE. I flagged that comment and I hope it is removed.
This is child abuse. Shoving a child in anger so hard they fall to the floor and end have cuts and bruises is abuse. Watching that happen and doing nothing is neglect. And child abuse does not take place in a vacuum. Even if the incidents of violence are relatively rare, the emotional neglect, invalidation, and gaslighting that prepare the ground for it are not. You are describing a textbook example of a dysfunctional, abusive family.
Your parents are abusive. The answer to the question of why your parents - both of them - do anything they do is simple: they are abusive. If it helps, you could reframe that as saying simply that they are very very sick, and nothing you can do will help them. They are going to react the way they react, and those reactions are likely to make you feel very, very bad. You are not crazy, you are not overemotional, you are not a bad child, there is nothing you should or can do to change their behavior in the slightest.
The only thing you can do is keep yourself safe from them, both physically and emotionally. This does not mean you have to cut them off immediately, or that you can never speak to them, or that you should confront them. it just means that you need to take care of yourself, and every time you catch yourself wondering what you've done to make them behave this way, the answer is nothing. They are abusive, and there is nothing you could ever have done to change that, not even one little bit.
I am sending you love and wishing you luck. I'm so sorry.
posted by Merricat Blackwood at 3:14 PM on April 30, 2023 [36 favorites]
Best answer: It is time to stop caring what stepmom thinks or does, full stop. You do not need to worry about "causing tension." You do not need to worry about pleasing anyone. If you want to spend time with dad you can do that, but you are 30 years old and you don't owe any of these people anything.
posted by shadygrove at 3:35 PM on April 30, 2023 [7 favorites]
posted by shadygrove at 3:35 PM on April 30, 2023 [7 favorites]
Best answer: You need a therapist who specializes in abuse immediately. Do not take advice from strangers on the internet about this. Please, for your well being, find a safe professional to discuss this with. Take your time in that process and take good care of yourself!
posted by rglass at 4:03 PM on April 30, 2023 [9 favorites]
posted by rglass at 4:03 PM on April 30, 2023 [9 favorites]
Mod note: Noting that victim blaming is never ok and OP was a child when they were experiencing abuse. It is never their fault, please do not comment further if you are unable to help OP address their question without victim blaming/or insinuating that they are at fault for their family members’ behavior.
posted by travelingthyme (staff) at 7:11 PM on April 30, 2023 [13 favorites]
posted by travelingthyme (staff) at 7:11 PM on April 30, 2023 [13 favorites]
I am very sorry about your father's horrible abuse.
you intuition regarding your stepmother's overall lack of warm feelings towards you has got to be correct, because nobody with warm feelings towards a child would willingly stay married to a man who abuses that child.
when you grow up in an abusive household, it is very normal to identify the parent or parent-figure who harms you least, and whom you love the least, as the biggest problem. it's the lowest risk is why. in your stepmother's case it seems to be true that she isn't affectionate and doesn't care about your well-being, but it also seems to be true that the worst she will do in response to confrontation is say things that make you feel horrible. in a different family, that would make her the worst parent in it.
I don't think her motivations are mysterious. but I do think that if dwelling on it is helpful to you in coping with your biological parents, then dwelling on it serves a valuable purpose. you do not have to bring anybody important to you into this household, though. you are not obligated to find a way to make the best of these people.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:50 PM on April 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
you intuition regarding your stepmother's overall lack of warm feelings towards you has got to be correct, because nobody with warm feelings towards a child would willingly stay married to a man who abuses that child.
when you grow up in an abusive household, it is very normal to identify the parent or parent-figure who harms you least, and whom you love the least, as the biggest problem. it's the lowest risk is why. in your stepmother's case it seems to be true that she isn't affectionate and doesn't care about your well-being, but it also seems to be true that the worst she will do in response to confrontation is say things that make you feel horrible. in a different family, that would make her the worst parent in it.
I don't think her motivations are mysterious. but I do think that if dwelling on it is helpful to you in coping with your biological parents, then dwelling on it serves a valuable purpose. you do not have to bring anybody important to you into this household, though. you are not obligated to find a way to make the best of these people.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:50 PM on April 30, 2023 [3 favorites]
It does seem like your dad was physically abusive and your step mom was mentally. You're pretty sure She doesn't like you so why spend time with her if you can avoid it. If you need to meet up, go some place to eat so there's a time limit. Invite your dad over if you feel like he's changed and you want him in your life. Why put yourself through the stress of being around someone like your stepmom who's always unpleasant and makes you uncomfortable.
posted by stray thoughts at 7:08 PM on May 1, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by stray thoughts at 7:08 PM on May 1, 2023 [1 favorite]
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On the other hand, is it possible she was angry at your father for some reason, and her bad mood had nothing to do with you?
posted by zadcat at 9:30 AM on April 30, 2023 [2 favorites]