How do I accept my limitations and be okay with letting others down?
April 26, 2023 3:54 AM Subscribe
I have been a people-pleaser my entire life. Therapy has helped me get better at drawing boundaries. However, I still struggle with saying 'no' to the people I love the most, even though I'm often unable to meet their needs because of chronic illness. My loved ones are understanding and supportive--how can I show that same kindness to myself?
I'm a woman in my late 30s, and it feels like I am breaking down, a bit. I broke my tailbone at age 20, it wasn't properly treated at the time and I've experienced lower back, hip, and leg/nerve pain since then. I've undergone physio and chiropractic sporadically, both of which were helpful, but I couldn't always afford to continue treatment. For a long time the pain has been managed by making sure I sit and lie down in certain careful ways, and by using a massage gun. It has affected my sleep a lot, and I have developed Restless Leg Syndrome. By now, it feels like my muscles are stiff all over my body, all the time. I often sleep with ice packs against my feet because of the nerve pain. I also have had IBS-D for the past decade, brought on by extreme stress concerning my relationship with my parents and my partner at the time (some of which is in my post history).
And I have just, kinda, dealt with it until now. I buy the posture cushions and avoid certain foods, I take probiotics and do core strengthening exercises and try to ignore the discomfort and inconvenience. It has been easy, in a way, because my mental health has taken priority. I've had anxiety and OCD since childhood (diagnosed as an adult), and now both my therapist and I suspect ADHD. The ADHD has been on the table since I became overwhelmed at work last December. It's a job with a big learning curve and I had a meltdown because I couldn't manage with my usual coping skills like burning the midnight oil, and had to actually admit I needed help. Thankfully I have a wonderful boss at a company that is very supportive when it comes to mental health, and I was able to take a month off work while transitioning to a different anti-anxiety medication. I moved from sertraline, which was aggravating the RLS and making me sweat excessively, to venlafaxine, which I'm currently on. I am also in the process of being diagnosed for ADHD via the NHS, which is taking a long time.
Venlafaxine seems great--I have been feeling much 'clearer' mentally, and somewhat less anxious. However, it has turned my IBS-D into IBS-C, which is a whole new twist that is really hard for me to deal with and causing a lot more physical discomfort than before. Meanwhile, my back pain feels like it has reached a point where I just can't deal anymore, and I keep getting so angry every time I have to shift my posture again.
Thankfully, I have recently acquired access to a private healthcare plan via my employer. So now I'm starting physio again, and I'm pursuing a private ADHD diagnosis. I also need to look into other medical testing and treatment that Bupa cover that might help with the IBS, and I'm considering EMDR therapy to help me deal with the trauma that I think reinforces all my issues. It's complicated, though, because some costs are still paid out of pocket, e.g. ADHD medication, which could be an enormous spend, and there is a lot of admin.
Meanwhile, there is my family. We had a lot of issues while I was growing up, but there is so much love between us. My parents messed me up in a wide variety of ways, and we were estranged for a while, but they have done a lot of work on themselves and have asked for my forgiveness. It's incredible, considering their highly conservative community, and I am so thankful. But I still haven't fully processed it all. I feel a lot of guilt for the things I missed when I wasn't in their lives, like my brother's wedding (see previous question) and my little sister growing up. She is now in her late 20s and we are very close after reconnecting a few years ago. I also feel a lot of unprocessed anger, because being angry makes me feel guilty, too.
Now my sister is getting married. I want to be there for her. I know she looks up to me and values my opinion. But she is having a very large wedding (500 people) on very short notice (6 months planning time). This is less crazy than it sounds considering the cultural context, but it is still very hectic. She doesn't have bridesmaids. My sister and my parents know about my mental and physical health issues, though I tend to downplay them because both all three have anxiety, too, and I don't want them to worry. They are booking lots of appointments for wedding-related things, like choosing fabrics to get dresses made, and my sister tells me it's totally fine if I don't feel able to attend. And I really, really don't want to go to these things, to dread these appointments swallowing my evenings and weekends. It's hard enough taking care of myself these days, and on unmissable wedding-related occasions, like meeting her fiance's family, I have experienced anxiety and pain flares both in the run-up and afterwards. I will of course be there for the ceremony itself, and for the preparation in the week or so leading up to it. I'm always available for Facetime consultations to provide advice, and I'm taking her on a weekend away during the summer.
I feel so guilty. I feel like my sister is swallowing her desire for me to be there at every appointment, and she shouldn't have to do that. She has always been so loving and supportive. She didn't have me around growing up and she deserves some compensation for that during this important time in her life. But I'm not capable of giving it. Part of me wonders, am I just being weak, am I imagining my pain is worse than it is, should I just suck it up? Am I just being lazy wanting to lie (or sit up straight) on the couch all weekend with my book? This self-flagellation extends to when my parents ask me to visit for the weekend, and I say no. Or when my boyfriend wants to go to the movies, and I say I'd rather stay in. Or when I have a day at work with more than two calls, which means I am barely functional for the rest of my contracted hours.
Do you have any strategies for letting go of the guilt and self-doubt? These could be forms of therapy or types of exercise, supplements or mantras or anything, really. Maybe even a reality check is what I need. Thanks so much for your help.
I'm a woman in my late 30s, and it feels like I am breaking down, a bit. I broke my tailbone at age 20, it wasn't properly treated at the time and I've experienced lower back, hip, and leg/nerve pain since then. I've undergone physio and chiropractic sporadically, both of which were helpful, but I couldn't always afford to continue treatment. For a long time the pain has been managed by making sure I sit and lie down in certain careful ways, and by using a massage gun. It has affected my sleep a lot, and I have developed Restless Leg Syndrome. By now, it feels like my muscles are stiff all over my body, all the time. I often sleep with ice packs against my feet because of the nerve pain. I also have had IBS-D for the past decade, brought on by extreme stress concerning my relationship with my parents and my partner at the time (some of which is in my post history).
And I have just, kinda, dealt with it until now. I buy the posture cushions and avoid certain foods, I take probiotics and do core strengthening exercises and try to ignore the discomfort and inconvenience. It has been easy, in a way, because my mental health has taken priority. I've had anxiety and OCD since childhood (diagnosed as an adult), and now both my therapist and I suspect ADHD. The ADHD has been on the table since I became overwhelmed at work last December. It's a job with a big learning curve and I had a meltdown because I couldn't manage with my usual coping skills like burning the midnight oil, and had to actually admit I needed help. Thankfully I have a wonderful boss at a company that is very supportive when it comes to mental health, and I was able to take a month off work while transitioning to a different anti-anxiety medication. I moved from sertraline, which was aggravating the RLS and making me sweat excessively, to venlafaxine, which I'm currently on. I am also in the process of being diagnosed for ADHD via the NHS, which is taking a long time.
Venlafaxine seems great--I have been feeling much 'clearer' mentally, and somewhat less anxious. However, it has turned my IBS-D into IBS-C, which is a whole new twist that is really hard for me to deal with and causing a lot more physical discomfort than before. Meanwhile, my back pain feels like it has reached a point where I just can't deal anymore, and I keep getting so angry every time I have to shift my posture again.
Thankfully, I have recently acquired access to a private healthcare plan via my employer. So now I'm starting physio again, and I'm pursuing a private ADHD diagnosis. I also need to look into other medical testing and treatment that Bupa cover that might help with the IBS, and I'm considering EMDR therapy to help me deal with the trauma that I think reinforces all my issues. It's complicated, though, because some costs are still paid out of pocket, e.g. ADHD medication, which could be an enormous spend, and there is a lot of admin.
Meanwhile, there is my family. We had a lot of issues while I was growing up, but there is so much love between us. My parents messed me up in a wide variety of ways, and we were estranged for a while, but they have done a lot of work on themselves and have asked for my forgiveness. It's incredible, considering their highly conservative community, and I am so thankful. But I still haven't fully processed it all. I feel a lot of guilt for the things I missed when I wasn't in their lives, like my brother's wedding (see previous question) and my little sister growing up. She is now in her late 20s and we are very close after reconnecting a few years ago. I also feel a lot of unprocessed anger, because being angry makes me feel guilty, too.
Now my sister is getting married. I want to be there for her. I know she looks up to me and values my opinion. But she is having a very large wedding (500 people) on very short notice (6 months planning time). This is less crazy than it sounds considering the cultural context, but it is still very hectic. She doesn't have bridesmaids. My sister and my parents know about my mental and physical health issues, though I tend to downplay them because both all three have anxiety, too, and I don't want them to worry. They are booking lots of appointments for wedding-related things, like choosing fabrics to get dresses made, and my sister tells me it's totally fine if I don't feel able to attend. And I really, really don't want to go to these things, to dread these appointments swallowing my evenings and weekends. It's hard enough taking care of myself these days, and on unmissable wedding-related occasions, like meeting her fiance's family, I have experienced anxiety and pain flares both in the run-up and afterwards. I will of course be there for the ceremony itself, and for the preparation in the week or so leading up to it. I'm always available for Facetime consultations to provide advice, and I'm taking her on a weekend away during the summer.
I feel so guilty. I feel like my sister is swallowing her desire for me to be there at every appointment, and she shouldn't have to do that. She has always been so loving and supportive. She didn't have me around growing up and she deserves some compensation for that during this important time in her life. But I'm not capable of giving it. Part of me wonders, am I just being weak, am I imagining my pain is worse than it is, should I just suck it up? Am I just being lazy wanting to lie (or sit up straight) on the couch all weekend with my book? This self-flagellation extends to when my parents ask me to visit for the weekend, and I say no. Or when my boyfriend wants to go to the movies, and I say I'd rather stay in. Or when I have a day at work with more than two calls, which means I am barely functional for the rest of my contracted hours.
Do you have any strategies for letting go of the guilt and self-doubt? These could be forms of therapy or types of exercise, supplements or mantras or anything, really. Maybe even a reality check is what I need. Thanks so much for your help.
Whaaaaat? Your sister still has decades and decades with you, and you are unique individuals who do not owe each other a close relationship. It's great that you both want to be close, but not a given at all. You're both still so young, with so many sad and happy events yet to come. If anything, your sister wants you to take care of your health so she'll have you around for all that. Eventually, when your parents are gone, you'll be really important to her as an older person she can rely on.
Plus, maybe I'm missing something: didn't you give your sister a great gift by doing the hard work of being absent? She has better parents now, right?
Meeting the other family is not "unmissable" (and something that happens never for plenty of siblings-of-inlaws). Picking out fabric is not important. That's a happy occasion, she has other people there = you won't be missed. Be there for her when she's feeling bad.
Tell sister that you'll be available for x, y, and z event, plus chatting on the phone whenever she feels overwhelmed (and you have the spoons). That's what close sisters are for, anyway. Not for trying cakes.
When you feel sick, that's never weak or hysterical or "in your head". That's just what we're told. Think about it: you feel so guilty, right? It would be much easier to go to these events. You're not being lazy. You're choosing the hard path, because you have to. You're ill!
posted by toucan at 5:14 AM on April 26, 2023 [3 favorites]
Plus, maybe I'm missing something: didn't you give your sister a great gift by doing the hard work of being absent? She has better parents now, right?
Meeting the other family is not "unmissable" (and something that happens never for plenty of siblings-of-inlaws). Picking out fabric is not important. That's a happy occasion, she has other people there = you won't be missed. Be there for her when she's feeling bad.
Tell sister that you'll be available for x, y, and z event, plus chatting on the phone whenever she feels overwhelmed (and you have the spoons). That's what close sisters are for, anyway. Not for trying cakes.
When you feel sick, that's never weak or hysterical or "in your head". That's just what we're told. Think about it: you feel so guilty, right? It would be much easier to go to these events. You're not being lazy. You're choosing the hard path, because you have to. You're ill!
posted by toucan at 5:14 AM on April 26, 2023 [3 favorites]
Hello, fellow recovering people pleaser! I feel this all very much. I come from a family where for various reasons I was everyone's caregiver. This continued into adulthood with a mom who was mentally ill. It wasn't until she passed (which of course made me very sad, but also changed my life dramatically in a lot of positive ways) that I realized how bad it truly was. It will be five years this summer since my mom passed, and I've been in therapy almost that entire time. I'm just starting to feel like I'm in a good place in terms of curbing my people pleasing behavior. It's very hard work! Rewiring your brain after decades, especially if part of that is childhood, is extremely difficult work.
Every time I say no to something, my first thought is "but I could do it," followed by "but you don't want to," followed by "and that's okay." "And that's okay" is my mantra. I don't need to justify my decision, my feelings, my energy level. "I don't want to" is a perfectly acceptable reason for not doing something.
posted by anotheraccount at 6:27 AM on April 26, 2023 [3 favorites]
Every time I say no to something, my first thought is "but I could do it," followed by "but you don't want to," followed by "and that's okay." "And that's okay" is my mantra. I don't need to justify my decision, my feelings, my energy level. "I don't want to" is a perfectly acceptable reason for not doing something.
posted by anotheraccount at 6:27 AM on April 26, 2023 [3 favorites]
I think your sister is saying, it's okay to skip the events you need to skip so you can feel present, happy, and in less pain for the events that are more important.
posted by mochapickle at 6:30 AM on April 26, 2023 [13 favorites]
posted by mochapickle at 6:30 AM on April 26, 2023 [13 favorites]
I relate so hard to this question, and am sending you so much empathy and care.
For me, stressful situations like this often come down to a desire for certainty. Not domination, or making people do what I want, but the more fundamental part of “control” that is important to all mammals - the kind of certainty we can get when we know something something bad or challenging is going to happen and are able to to prepare for it, physically and emotionally. Are there ways that you could give yourself more certainty in this situation? For example, could you:
- talk with your sister and plan specific wedding-prep meetings that you will attend, so that you can rest up before and after (you could pick a cadence, like 1x a month)
- plan date nights with your partner for the foreseeable future in the same way, spacing them out so that you have opportunity to rest
- brainstorm lower-stakes/more-comfortable dates with your partner, like reading a book to each other from your comfy couch, or picking a list of movies to watch together from home - you could stick up on special snacks or drinks, wear nice clothes (or date-night pyjamas*), buy flowers, or use other touches to make home-based dates more special as well
- let your parents know that you’re trying to conserve your energy for the wedding and won’t be able to visit until X date (maybe plan to ensure they’re part of some of the meetings you schedule with your sister, so that you’re still seeing them face-to-face, or schedule regular video calls at a cadence that feels manageable to you)
- look for a trauma-informed therapist even if they don’t do EMDR - a therapist you connect with of any background will be more helpful than searching or waiting on a waitlist
- set a time each week to watch/read ADHD content and start taking non-meds steps (which you may be doing already!) - meds can be very helpful, but they are another big life change to adjust to, and you’re already dealing with a big meds adjustment that’s aggravating other medical problems that cause you pain and discomfort
- look for a movement practice that would work with your body and schedule (Swimming? Pilates? Dance? Rockclimbing?) - for me, it’s the single best treatment for all the issues you mentioned, not least because it occupies my mind for the duration - I *can’t* think about work stress or family issues by the time I’m five minutes into a yoga practice, or the instant I start dancing with a partner to kickass jazz music, and that release is so incredibly powerful
Many wisdom traditions try to help people come to terms with the fact that we don’t have control over our lives or the behavior of others, and that is a lesson I’ll be working to learn for the rest of my life. But there *are* ways we can help ourselves meet needs for safety, security, autonomy, and rest: as a fellow people-pleaser, I find my stress and guilt go down drastically when those are met.
The Power Of A Positive No might be a good read - I’ve also found the free podcasts from Tara Brach really helpful - here are collected resources on fear/trauma and mindfulness strategies for working with pain. (Brach is a white American woman who offers teachings from the perspective of a clinical psychologist with decades of meditation practice. There’s a strong Western-Tibetan-Buddhism bent, but she is deeply invested in incorporating science, social justice, and wisdom from other spiritual and ethical traditions.)
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 9:42 AM on April 26, 2023 [5 favorites]
For me, stressful situations like this often come down to a desire for certainty. Not domination, or making people do what I want, but the more fundamental part of “control” that is important to all mammals - the kind of certainty we can get when we know something something bad or challenging is going to happen and are able to to prepare for it, physically and emotionally. Are there ways that you could give yourself more certainty in this situation? For example, could you:
- talk with your sister and plan specific wedding-prep meetings that you will attend, so that you can rest up before and after (you could pick a cadence, like 1x a month)
- plan date nights with your partner for the foreseeable future in the same way, spacing them out so that you have opportunity to rest
- brainstorm lower-stakes/more-comfortable dates with your partner, like reading a book to each other from your comfy couch, or picking a list of movies to watch together from home - you could stick up on special snacks or drinks, wear nice clothes (or date-night pyjamas*), buy flowers, or use other touches to make home-based dates more special as well
- let your parents know that you’re trying to conserve your energy for the wedding and won’t be able to visit until X date (maybe plan to ensure they’re part of some of the meetings you schedule with your sister, so that you’re still seeing them face-to-face, or schedule regular video calls at a cadence that feels manageable to you)
- look for a trauma-informed therapist even if they don’t do EMDR - a therapist you connect with of any background will be more helpful than searching or waiting on a waitlist
- set a time each week to watch/read ADHD content and start taking non-meds steps (which you may be doing already!) - meds can be very helpful, but they are another big life change to adjust to, and you’re already dealing with a big meds adjustment that’s aggravating other medical problems that cause you pain and discomfort
- look for a movement practice that would work with your body and schedule (Swimming? Pilates? Dance? Rockclimbing?) - for me, it’s the single best treatment for all the issues you mentioned, not least because it occupies my mind for the duration - I *can’t* think about work stress or family issues by the time I’m five minutes into a yoga practice, or the instant I start dancing with a partner to kickass jazz music, and that release is so incredibly powerful
Many wisdom traditions try to help people come to terms with the fact that we don’t have control over our lives or the behavior of others, and that is a lesson I’ll be working to learn for the rest of my life. But there *are* ways we can help ourselves meet needs for safety, security, autonomy, and rest: as a fellow people-pleaser, I find my stress and guilt go down drastically when those are met.
The Power Of A Positive No might be a good read - I’ve also found the free podcasts from Tara Brach really helpful - here are collected resources on fear/trauma and mindfulness strategies for working with pain. (Brach is a white American woman who offers teachings from the perspective of a clinical psychologist with decades of meditation practice. There’s a strong Western-Tibetan-Buddhism bent, but she is deeply invested in incorporating science, social justice, and wisdom from other spiritual and ethical traditions.)
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 9:42 AM on April 26, 2023 [5 favorites]
Sorry, this is super blunt.
Being a people pleaser feels good because we can pretend that we are meeting other people's needs when really we are selfishly meeting our own need to look good and kind and generous. Sometimes, we are not even actually being good and kind and generous in our people pleasing acts.
Your sister won't be devastated if you are not there. She has already said that it is fine if you are not. You want to go because you want to support your sister, but at least as much because you want to feel like a martyr making a heroic sacrifice (assuaging your longstanding but unnecessary guilt) and perhaps also because you want to feel like your presence is essential. If you go and are miserable or make yourself ill, no one will think better of you for it.
Trust that your sister loves you when you sit at home and take care of yourself as well as when you show up at her wedding. Put her first by believing that she is telling you the truth.
posted by plonkee at 10:14 AM on April 26, 2023 [13 favorites]
Being a people pleaser feels good because we can pretend that we are meeting other people's needs when really we are selfishly meeting our own need to look good and kind and generous. Sometimes, we are not even actually being good and kind and generous in our people pleasing acts.
Your sister won't be devastated if you are not there. She has already said that it is fine if you are not. You want to go because you want to support your sister, but at least as much because you want to feel like a martyr making a heroic sacrifice (assuaging your longstanding but unnecessary guilt) and perhaps also because you want to feel like your presence is essential. If you go and are miserable or make yourself ill, no one will think better of you for it.
Trust that your sister loves you when you sit at home and take care of yourself as well as when you show up at her wedding. Put her first by believing that she is telling you the truth.
posted by plonkee at 10:14 AM on April 26, 2023 [13 favorites]
I feel like my sister is swallowing her desire for me to be there at every appointment, and she shouldn't have to do that. She has always been so loving and supportive. She didn't have me around growing up and she deserves some compensation for that during this important time in her life.
So...one of the things about trauma is that when we experience it as kids, we tend to (as kids do, and as is completely developmentally appropriate for kids) take on the idea that the trauma is all about us - that we weren't good enough, strong enough, etc. Also, the trauma is our whole world, because we can't escape the parameters that make it trauma, so we tend to start policing ourselves very, very finely - our thoughts and our emotions as well as our actions. Because if the One Bad Thing we do brings about Apocalypse - we have to be ultra-careful.
As adults, this tends to result in some weird bubbles in our thinking or mindset. We try to control things in inappropriate ways (think the soldier with PTSD who is a very controlling dad and a prepper, as a awful stereotype). We think if we can Behave Perfectly, everything will be great.
In this situation, you are accepting a very disproportionate role in your sister's happiness and wedding. You're also treating it like a role, like you "As Sister" is supposed to be some other person who doesn't suffer from chronic pain and disease and you're responsible for presenting that person. You've created a Mythological Sister who is supposed to do all these things that your actual sister isn't even asking you to do.
But - your sister, it sounds like, wants a real relationship with you.
A real relationship means - she gets to know Actual You, who is in pain and has chronic illness and can't do everything.
It means she gets to support you. But also, she gets to have Actual Sister at her wedding, and Actual Sister can do what you can actually do, not what Mythologically Perfect Sister can do.
And sure, that may mean moments of imperfection. We would all be a lot better off at weddings if we just plain admitted that weddings are going to be imperfect - and still joyful.
Let this Mythological Sister go, and let people relate to actual you. It's fine. It's actually great because that's what relationships are really actually about, especially those close family ones/.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:22 AM on April 26, 2023 [8 favorites]
So...one of the things about trauma is that when we experience it as kids, we tend to (as kids do, and as is completely developmentally appropriate for kids) take on the idea that the trauma is all about us - that we weren't good enough, strong enough, etc. Also, the trauma is our whole world, because we can't escape the parameters that make it trauma, so we tend to start policing ourselves very, very finely - our thoughts and our emotions as well as our actions. Because if the One Bad Thing we do brings about Apocalypse - we have to be ultra-careful.
As adults, this tends to result in some weird bubbles in our thinking or mindset. We try to control things in inappropriate ways (think the soldier with PTSD who is a very controlling dad and a prepper, as a awful stereotype). We think if we can Behave Perfectly, everything will be great.
In this situation, you are accepting a very disproportionate role in your sister's happiness and wedding. You're also treating it like a role, like you "As Sister" is supposed to be some other person who doesn't suffer from chronic pain and disease and you're responsible for presenting that person. You've created a Mythological Sister who is supposed to do all these things that your actual sister isn't even asking you to do.
But - your sister, it sounds like, wants a real relationship with you.
A real relationship means - she gets to know Actual You, who is in pain and has chronic illness and can't do everything.
It means she gets to support you. But also, she gets to have Actual Sister at her wedding, and Actual Sister can do what you can actually do, not what Mythologically Perfect Sister can do.
And sure, that may mean moments of imperfection. We would all be a lot better off at weddings if we just plain admitted that weddings are going to be imperfect - and still joyful.
Let this Mythological Sister go, and let people relate to actual you. It's fine. It's actually great because that's what relationships are really actually about, especially those close family ones/.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:22 AM on April 26, 2023 [8 favorites]
My loved ones are understanding and supportive--how can I show that same kindness to myself?
It's just practice. You show kindness by prioritizing being kind over the other stuff you're saying to yourself. It may even mean that you put a note on your bathroom mirror that says "Today I will speak to myself like a friend/someone I value" or put a little sticker or drawing there that you know means that. It can take a bit of time for your attitude to adjust - talking to yourself like a friend is the first step in actually regarding yourself as a friend who deserves friendship - but you can start by deciding you're going to be kind even if it isn't instinctual.
And this will seem confusingly harsh, but you also need to dismantle the toxic form of self-importance that underlies your unhelpful narrative. You're pinning SO MUCH of other people's well-being on yourself, but your sister is in the middle of planning a huge wedding on a tight schedule - it's only like 2% about you at any given point. Your parents are reaching out to stay in contact on a regular basis to make sure you feel welcome, but if they're getting their feelings hurt that's their problem, and also maybe all of you need to renegotiate ways of connecting without you having to travel and sleep somewhere besides your own bed? What if you both allow and encourage them to find a variety of ways to have closeness short of you setting yourself on fire as if that's the only possible way they could be happy?
It takes self-esteem to set reasonable boundaries and also to meet people where they are and not in a construct you have imagined for them so it fits your narrative about yourself. The self-esteem fairy does not come leave this in your shoe one night, it is a relationship you have to develop and maintain with yourself. You just do that one step at a time.
And resource management is part of adulting. Most of us know we can't stay up until 2am and be a fully-functional human/parent/employee the next day, at least not often. Most of us have additional complicated forms of restrictions and it is generally known that "underpromise and overdeliver" works out better than the opposite when you look at the outcomes over time. Constantly overextending and therefore creating opportunities for failure accomplishes nothing, where being consistent under reasonable commitment tends to make everyone happy. Being as realistic as you can - given that health problems can certainly flare or subside unpredictably - is actually the best possible goal.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:54 AM on April 26, 2023 [6 favorites]
It's just practice. You show kindness by prioritizing being kind over the other stuff you're saying to yourself. It may even mean that you put a note on your bathroom mirror that says "Today I will speak to myself like a friend/someone I value" or put a little sticker or drawing there that you know means that. It can take a bit of time for your attitude to adjust - talking to yourself like a friend is the first step in actually regarding yourself as a friend who deserves friendship - but you can start by deciding you're going to be kind even if it isn't instinctual.
And this will seem confusingly harsh, but you also need to dismantle the toxic form of self-importance that underlies your unhelpful narrative. You're pinning SO MUCH of other people's well-being on yourself, but your sister is in the middle of planning a huge wedding on a tight schedule - it's only like 2% about you at any given point. Your parents are reaching out to stay in contact on a regular basis to make sure you feel welcome, but if they're getting their feelings hurt that's their problem, and also maybe all of you need to renegotiate ways of connecting without you having to travel and sleep somewhere besides your own bed? What if you both allow and encourage them to find a variety of ways to have closeness short of you setting yourself on fire as if that's the only possible way they could be happy?
It takes self-esteem to set reasonable boundaries and also to meet people where they are and not in a construct you have imagined for them so it fits your narrative about yourself. The self-esteem fairy does not come leave this in your shoe one night, it is a relationship you have to develop and maintain with yourself. You just do that one step at a time.
And resource management is part of adulting. Most of us know we can't stay up until 2am and be a fully-functional human/parent/employee the next day, at least not often. Most of us have additional complicated forms of restrictions and it is generally known that "underpromise and overdeliver" works out better than the opposite when you look at the outcomes over time. Constantly overextending and therefore creating opportunities for failure accomplishes nothing, where being consistent under reasonable commitment tends to make everyone happy. Being as realistic as you can - given that health problems can certainly flare or subside unpredictably - is actually the best possible goal.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:54 AM on April 26, 2023 [6 favorites]
Most guilt is what I think of as a "blanket emotion" (in that it's kind of covering up more complicated feelings) and is a lot about projection - it's not really based on evidence and therefore not always a great barometer for decision making!
For me, guilt is one of those emotions that can be coming from reasoning that can be understood/acknowleged but actually ignored in the decision making process, or can come from trying to hold a boundary or making a decision that is actually the wrong choice. When you're first getting into fighting people pleasing as a motivation, you can sort of over-correct and feeling guilty can be a good indicator that you're not actually making decisions that feel good. It's still nice to try to do what we can to please the people we care about!
So I would try to dig deeper when you feel guilt:
Do you think someone is actually upset with you?
Do you think you're reacting to past regrets?
Are you just wishing you felt better and could do the thing?
Are you just upset and frustrated with your body and it feels good to get mad about it and the only easy target to punish is yourself?
Are you feeling guilty because you really could do something, but you don't want to and so you said you didn't feel up to it and twisted your own motivations in your head and now you're feeling guilty about being deceptive?
(this last one is my shit, obviously. Sometimes indulging my social anxiety gets the better of me, but I can never sit comfortably with those decisions after and sometimes have to backtrack or come clean on them to feel better.)
Me and my sister live quite far apart but were very involved in each other's wedding planning! A million pictures and texts, phone calls, thoughts, expressions of love and interest and excitement goes a long way, even if your physical body can't be there! My sister suffers from chronic migraines and I honestly (truly) don't ever feel upset with her when she can't do something. She always makes the effort for me when she's feeling up to it, and I trust and believe her when she isn't. I'm sure your sister feels the same, she wants you to feel as healthy and happy as possible, and will understand your limitations!
posted by euphoria066 at 12:20 PM on April 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
For me, guilt is one of those emotions that can be coming from reasoning that can be understood/acknowleged but actually ignored in the decision making process, or can come from trying to hold a boundary or making a decision that is actually the wrong choice. When you're first getting into fighting people pleasing as a motivation, you can sort of over-correct and feeling guilty can be a good indicator that you're not actually making decisions that feel good. It's still nice to try to do what we can to please the people we care about!
So I would try to dig deeper when you feel guilt:
Do you think someone is actually upset with you?
Do you think you're reacting to past regrets?
Are you just wishing you felt better and could do the thing?
Are you just upset and frustrated with your body and it feels good to get mad about it and the only easy target to punish is yourself?
Are you feeling guilty because you really could do something, but you don't want to and so you said you didn't feel up to it and twisted your own motivations in your head and now you're feeling guilty about being deceptive?
(this last one is my shit, obviously. Sometimes indulging my social anxiety gets the better of me, but I can never sit comfortably with those decisions after and sometimes have to backtrack or come clean on them to feel better.)
Me and my sister live quite far apart but were very involved in each other's wedding planning! A million pictures and texts, phone calls, thoughts, expressions of love and interest and excitement goes a long way, even if your physical body can't be there! My sister suffers from chronic migraines and I honestly (truly) don't ever feel upset with her when she can't do something. She always makes the effort for me when she's feeling up to it, and I trust and believe her when she isn't. I'm sure your sister feels the same, she wants you to feel as healthy and happy as possible, and will understand your limitations!
posted by euphoria066 at 12:20 PM on April 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks everyone, you've given me a lot to think about. I've known that I hold myself to an impossibly perfect standard, and that I try to exert control over things I can't control. But I don't think I've fully understood the implications of that, how much it changes my perception of reality in the end. I need to chew on it further, as well as all of this other great advice. Thanks again.
posted by guessthis at 3:43 AM on April 27, 2023
posted by guessthis at 3:43 AM on April 27, 2023
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Umm what? No she doesn't. That... is not how this works. (And I can't help wondering if you feel your parents owe you "compensation" for your childhood, because they don't either.) Your guilt is massively misplaced here; she is going to have people around her, she isn't doing these things alone because you can't be there.
She is an adult saying it's OK for you to not be there. Maybe spend time reflecting on why you feel you can't trust the words coming out of her mouth, and if that's really about her or if it's about you.
I mean, if you had read a question here and it was "My adult sister is getting married but for a variety of physical and mental health reasons, it would be difficult for me to participate in all of the family and friends shopping trips in the leadup to the wedding. Is it okay if I skip most or all of them?" what would you write as a reply?
posted by DarlingBri at 4:12 AM on April 26, 2023 [7 favorites]