What do you do when friends make art you don't like?

April 11, 2023 2:54 AM

Some of my friends are creative. Sometimes they make stuff I like and sometimes they make stuff I don't like. I don't have an adolescent insistence on honesty but am also not convincing when I express fake enthusiasm. What's a good way to think about this?

Me, I do some creative stuff, but it's low key stuff and the stakes aren't high. Someone might see it around my house and comment on it or not. I'm never going to show friends my writing because that puts them very directly in the position of validating me or not.

One friend in particular is causing me some heartache/apprehension because I've seen some of his stuff before, like parts of it, don't on the whole enjoy it, and am well aware he's deeply invested in it. I very much don't want to hurt his feelings but I also know I'm going to come across as faking it if I fake it.

Anyone else had this?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (26 answers total)

Because I worked in a creative industry I’ve gotten a lot of friend creations with asks for my opinion over the years. I’m generally positive about my friends and I love it when they create things at all, so that part - the yay you made something! Part - is really just about being their cheerleader.

For specific feedback I always say, truthfully, that as their friend I’m biased and then I would point out the things that are strengths without focusing on the weaknesses or whatever doesn’t float my boat. Like “I love the detail here,” or “it feels soft and cosy” or whatever thing it is that I can genuinely appreciate. For me this isn’t about fakeness or not, it’s about connection.
posted by warriorqueen at 3:15 AM on April 11, 2023 [61 favorites]

Default to asking questions! About the process of making it, inspirations, intentions, materials. And like warriorqueen said, find some aspect that you can comment on either neutrally or positively. “it’s so striking.” “It really makes an impression.” “What bold colors.”
posted by amaire at 3:18 AM on April 11, 2023 [24 favorites]

You can generally avoid having to give detailed opinions on how art makes you feel by turning the conversation round to the medium, craft, process or inspiration (maybe less so the latter in this case).

It's usually easier to carry on a positive exchange thereafter, showing yourself as interested in the how more than the what, which most creators will generally be just as enthusiastic talking about.

(on preview exactly as amaire says re. asking questions)
posted by protorp at 3:19 AM on April 11, 2023 [7 favorites]

Some artists can, if you ask, help you by telling you what they want. If I have a friend who is generally even-keeled, I try to ask my friend -- at a time when they are NOT showing me their art -- what they prefer. Like: "When you show me your art, I can just be your cheerleader and tell you what I like, or I can try to tell you about what works for me and what doesn't work for me. I am totally fine either way -- what's better for you?" And then if they say that they only want cheerleading-type support, then, as others here have said, you find questions to ask, you find things to like/compliment, you remember things they've been trying to do (work with a particular medium, get accepted to a prestigious show, etc.) and cheer them for those achievements.

For a friend who seems more apt to take even the smallest oblique absences of compliments as insults, I'd go with those approaches others here have already mentioned.
posted by brainwane at 3:35 AM on April 11, 2023 [8 favorites]

Seconding brainwane, find out what they want. Personally, I always show things to friends with a request for honest feedback. I don’t have an expectation that the things I make are enjoyable to everyone, but it’s still interesting to hear their opinions.
posted by arxeef at 3:45 AM on April 11, 2023 [1 favorite]

Maybe put the blame on yourself. "I haven't studied this type of art enough to understand it."
posted by SemiSalt at 4:59 AM on April 11, 2023 [5 favorites]

I'm seconding warrriorqueen's suggestion in her second paragraph. Pick one or two aspects of your friend's artwork that aren't horrible, and focus on those. Throw in some compliments. "Ooh, I love the colors you used for your sunset, and those trees are very lifelike. You have a real eye for detail! I wish I could paint like that."
posted by alex1965 at 5:16 AM on April 11, 2023 [5 favorites]

Ha! I'm in various bands and make a bit of my own music and I come up against this all the time. Personally I want full critique, so the feedback I'm after is along the lines of would you want to hear more from me, if so why? If not why not?

I am totally up for criticism as long as someone can give me specifics, eg voice, feel, melody, lyrics, bits that stood out as good or bad etc, but equally I'm open to someone saying, well it's not really for me/didn't really connect on the whole. Feedback I don't care to receive is of the vague 'ooh, well done you for making a thing!' type stuff. I find it irritating at best and deeply patronising at worst. I don't need uncritical cheerleading, I can do that myself thanks!

But that's me. It really does depend on what the recipient is looking for.
posted by freya_lamb at 5:35 AM on April 11, 2023 [6 favorites]

Are these friends actually asking for feedback? Because I have the friends I actively solicit real feedback from (generally people also in the hobby) and then the friends who it’s nice if they say they liked it but I’m not keeping score or anything. I don’t expect or even WANT my art to be universally liked, and I absolutely assume that when I post something on social media, 95% of people are scrolling past it without looking or else they actively hate it. And that’s FINE! Tbh the idea that someone might currently be thinking some version of this post about me - “of course she expects me to love it and I’m in agony over not loving it” - is SO much more distressing than them just disliking and moving on.
posted by showbiz_liz at 5:41 AM on April 11, 2023 [3 favorites]

If you want to stay positive, it's okay to say "Normally heavy metal operas (or whatever) are not my thing, but I love what you've done here with the costumes (or other detail you enjoyed)."
posted by rikschell at 5:44 AM on April 11, 2023 [10 favorites]

A long time ago after years of reading science fiction I thought, like many, "Hey, I can do this!" So I started writing some SF stories and it was hard! Everything I wrote was crappier than the crappiest published story. From that I gained a real appreciation for those who produce art, an appreciation completely divorced from the quality of the art itself.

It really is admirable, the disciplined focus required to produce anything new in this world. It's something that I can't or won't do myself. I stand in awe of those who actually go out and do it. Perhaps with that point of view you can offer genuine praise.
posted by mono blanco at 6:05 AM on April 11, 2023 [9 favorites]

Just interview them about the art. “I can’t believe you made this! I’m really curious about your technique- how did you [get the colours like that / make the paint so chunky / learn all those lines / rehearse something like that / know what colours to use / choose this subject matter / how long does a painting like this take? / where did you forage the bird’s nest from? Etc]”. Often knowing a bit about the artist’s process makes the art more likeable.

Asking about their process also gives you an opportunity to be genuinely enthusiastic about their process: “Wow, you really have an eye for this kind of thing! / I admire your discipline so much! / It’s so cool how driven you are to make art! / I love having a friend who’s a real artist!”
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:09 AM on April 11, 2023 [3 favorites]

Could be helpful reframing "I like __" to "I notice ____" + the questions about details or technique other folks have suggested. Interest, attention and curiosity are all meaningful ways of bonding over things.
posted by Geameade at 6:40 AM on April 11, 2023

"I can tell you put a lot of hard work into this "

"That part with all the red pigment is striking. Can you tell me more about what you wanted to express there?"

"I notice a lot of images of trees in your art lately. What's behind that?"

"Thats such an intense image!"

Etc.

Also, if you feel the need to be specifically complimentary, there may be parts or aspects of the art that you like or find "interesting "?

Generally, artists appreciate people looking closely and paying attention to their work. I think thay can be even more gratifying to hear that compliments.
posted by bearette at 6:41 AM on April 11, 2023 [1 favorite]

Mod note: Couple of comments removed. Please stick to what the OP is describing and refrain from making assumptions, thanks!
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 7:06 AM on April 11, 2023

IMO, 3 things:
1) Making art doesn't mean your friends are going to have strong opinions about it. Art is extremely personal. If they are real artists, then they should let (friends) discover their art organically.

2) being an artist also means taking a lot of criticism. If your friends can't take that, then you should just be really vague and generally (wow! you did a thing!) positive.

3) do you have any specific skills reviewing or analyzing art? If not, again just "you did a thing!" positive reviews.
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:27 AM on April 11, 2023 [2 favorites]

You don't have to like the art itself, but you should appreciate the creative process, and your friend's development. If you need something to compliment, compare it to something else of theirs you've seen. "Oh, you really rendered the dead baby's entrails more realistically than the last dead-baby painting you did. You used to just paint blobs falling out of a gaping stomach wound, but here I can clearly make out the folds in the dead baby's intestines. Your attention to detail is really getting viscerally (hahahahahaha) better." Remember, something can be "much better" and still fall well short of "good".
posted by kevinbelt at 7:27 AM on April 11, 2023 [1 favorite]

It depends on how much feedback they're looking for from you.

An acquaintance once gifted me a piece of jewelry he'd made. It was startlingly clumsy and childish, like the sort of thing someone would make accidentally while fidgeting with a paperclip. Obviously I didn't tell him that, I just said "thank you, that's so nice, it's great to have a creative outlet, isn't it" and tossed it later. Honestly it was a situation where the less said the better; the gulf between whatever he was experiencing and what I was seeing was so large. And he hadn't asked for my feedback, so I didn't have to give it.

But in situations where a friend has asked me to give feedback on their art (usually stories) I start from a place of celebrating the achievement of finishing it in the first place, which is genuine. I know how hard it is to finish a piece, and they know I know. Then I praise the parts I liked. Then - if it's someone who I really care about - I offer a couple mild and actionable suggestions on improvement. And if there's an "out," like "sci-fi isn't really my genre" or "I tend to prefer decorative art that soothes rather than inflames like this does" then I'll say that too.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:54 AM on April 11, 2023

This is what a friend said about my acting: "It looks like you're having fun." (I'm aware that I stink.) That's a good one to use.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:00 AM on April 11, 2023 [3 favorites]

Think about it as not about the art but as your being supportive of your friend and what makes them happy. You can make comments more along the lines of their development or you can say a more generic comment that isn't necessarily indicative of whether it has value for you but instead shows appreciation for their creative process, like "that's so cool!" or "I can really see __ has improved in your work lately, that's fantastic" or something like that.

I would *not* say it is not to your taste but... That is insulting. Don't use any backhanded compliments either.

This topic seems like it's about how to work through your value or not of your friend's work, but it's not about that, it's about your value (or not!) of your *friend.* You are not an art critic (presumably!) but a *friend* so your job as friend is to cheerlead your friend, not to make it about yourself. If they want you to buy and/or display their artwork that isn't to your taste or if they're coming for you for advice because no one else likes their work and they're wondering what's going on, that's a different topic, but right now your job is just to tell your friend they're doing great at something they enjoy, to validate them and their process.
posted by urbanlenny at 8:49 AM on April 11, 2023 [1 favorite]

I kind of think of my music as a hobby that most of my friends don't share.

If I went on a long canoe trip and you hated canoeing, you wouldn't apologize, and you wouldn't pretend to like canoeing. You might tell me you're impressed (if you really are). Or you might just say "Wow, how'd that go?" or "How do you get two weeks' worth of stuff in a canoe?" or "Why'd you pick that river?"

That's the kind of engagement I want with my music. I don't need my non-hymn-singing friends to apologize, or to pretend they like weird old-fashioned hymns. If they're impressed that I wrote something at all, they can say so. But they can also just say "How long did it take to write?" or "How do you decide who should sing what?" or "Why did you choose those words?"

For me, it's not about impressing anyone. It's just about wanting my friends to be curious about my life. Give me a chance to tell an anecdote or two and feel like you're interested, and I'll be perfectly happy.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:50 AM on April 11, 2023 [9 favorites]

Lots of good advice here, especially the sorts that make it clear you appreciate the work/effort/commitment/specific features, while also letting them know it is not your preferred style. Because what you don't want -and they don't want- is for them to gift you art you don't like or want.

I am an artist, but old enough not to care whether people like it. Some do and some don't, which makes lots of sense! But it takes time to get there.
posted by Glinn at 9:19 AM on April 11, 2023 [1 favorite]

One of my kids is a musician and over the years, I've learned the best response is to thank her for sharing her work with me, and to ask questions about the piece and the process. As I listen, I give some type of the following response:

"It seems like this song really came to you so organically;"
"I can see the incredible effort you made to tell this story;"
"Do you feel the song tells the story you were hoping?";
"Does this song link to any other work?";
"Wow; your use of ice cream as a metaphor for sadness is striking,"
"What's your next step?"

I appreciate her effort and her sharing her work with me; the truth is it doesn't matter if I like it or not.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 10:33 AM on April 11, 2023 [3 favorites]

A way to think about it: As you probably know intuitively from your experience creating things, creating art is a practice. It's not a one-and-done thing; it's definitely more of a journey and ongoing learning experience. People approach that in very different ways, and create art for all kinds of reasons. But some things that art critics and judges seem to look for are evolution and a clear style. So that could be a starting point for conversation. What's new in this piece? How does it connect back to previous work they've done? What are their goals right now as an artist—are they hoping to exhibit somewhere new or do a solo show or apply to grants for larger works? What would they call this phase of their art? Did they try any new materials or approaches with the work, or is it part of a series? Were they trying for a more cohesive style with these works, or to depart from a style? "I really like the part of this with the stars" is also the kind of totally valid art comment that's nicely vague and inoffensive.

For myself, I welcome any and all questions or comments about my art, because one of the things I'm interested in is watching people engage with the art in some way. That said, I don't expect it. And I have the luxury of not having to care as much whether my art sells or is marketable or gets attention. With my actual art, at least, I'm doing it to do it, because I like it in and of itself, and I've built a small following very, very slowly. That said, sometimes I do minor experiments to see if various approaches are more accessible to people, e.g., the always-controversial question of whether to use words or never use words in art. (At least from what I've seen, art with words that resonate or more figurative depictions tends to sell better.) It's always interesting when something does resonate.

What's difficult sometimes is when someone is clearly relying on the hope that their art will sell and make them enough money to do something specific, or when they ask you to promote their work, when it's not really good enough to want to share. I try not to promote or buy others' work I don't like, though avoiding it can be a bit fraught.

Engaging with questions about the art is a learning and teaching experience for both parties—someone viewing my art might learn from my process if they like a specific effect. Or if they find the piece facile, that might make the act of making art feel more accessible to them. As others have mentioned, "I could totally do that" is a great entry point, and sometimes in trying to make art yourself, you realize a certain technique is much harder than you thought, or more accessible than you thought. (It also has an easy comeback: "Yeah, but you didn't.") For me, art is play, so I can approach it with some equanimity. And writing is part of my work, so I've gained some professional distance from it as well.

What's harder is receiving feedback on personal writing and music, when I find more of my sense of self or self-expression bound up in those acts of creation. I still appreciate it when anyone engages with it, though, as long as it's not in a creepy or insulting way.

Now that I'm in my fifth year of exhibiting art more regularly, I find abiding interest in seeing folks' reactions to it. In some sense, I feel like that's part of how I get paid, in emotional currency. What stands out to various people or what resonates will vary so much, especially depending on their background with art as a creator or consumer, their knowledge of art history, etc. I've observed that in myself as well—when I have work in an art show, I'll walk around and check out others' work, and I can see myself nodding along with some of it, just eyes glazed over with some of it, and seeing where someone is in their evolution as an artist with some of it. The scenario you're asking about is similar to one I encounter a lot in the context of art shows, where I see the same artists a lot and have become friends with some of them, but I don't necessarily like their work. Sometimes if they seem cool or are part of a cohort and we've become friendly, I'll still follow them on Instagram—but I only like posts I actually like, so I won't put hearts on their stuff, and over time, the algorithm won't show me much of it.

A question I get that kind of bores me is one of the ones mentioned above: "What were you trying to express with this?" As I think about it, I suppose sometimes it's relevant—some people's process is more focused on expressing a specific message or meaning. But for me, at least, my work is currently more abstract, and part of what interests me in art is how the subconscious manifests in the act of creation. So I don't always have a direct answer to a question like that, and it sometimes feels like a bit of a surface-level query. I'll do my best to answer, but it's not as motivating of a question for me. That's something to keep in mind, though—what's important or resonates or is offputting to you about a piece might or might not be part of what that person is trying to achieve. To me, if you hate a piece, that still might be interesting, because it evoked a feeling.

Also, to the point re: whether I expect engagement as an artist, well, nah. I know a few artists who are influencers, or who have folks to manage their social-media feeds, but I tend to take a more ambient approach. Again: I have the luxury of doing that, in some sense, because I'm not really trying too hard to sell anything. I'm interested in creating and evolving a body of work. Part of why I am that way, though, is that I realized a few years ago that I don't enjoy the process as much when I'm hustling. I respect that others are trying to hustle, though, and expect results from their practice, and I have learned a lot from them.

tl;dr: There are probably things to say about the work that have nothing to do with whether you actually like it, and those are a few starting points for how I think about it.
posted by limeonaire at 12:03 PM on April 11, 2023 [2 favorites]

Most people I know who make things understand that their work won't be to everyone's taste, and that's fine. In your friend's case, it's hard to give you specific advice without knowing in what context you're seeing his work. Is he showing it to you explicitly? In person, on social media, at an event? Has he asked you what you think?

Although I agree with freya_lamb that "yay, you made a thing!" can come off as patronizing, I still think that if a friend had recently finished a demanding project that took a lot of work, I'd be genuinely delighted for them. And I'd say so, whether or not I liked it.

I usually only comment on the specifics of someone's art when I'm spontaneously moved to. For general, meta-conversation, I like nebulawindphone's canoeing analogy.

But I'd add a word of caution: we've seen in other Asks through the years that there's a huge range of reaction to "interview questions" in a social context. Some people love them as a sign of caring and engagement, other people find them intrusive. Could go either way, depending on your social setting and individual preferences.
posted by tangerine at 1:04 PM on April 11, 2023 [3 favorites]

I will note that season 2, episode 3 of Schmigadoon had Josh pull off an excellent save on this kind of topic. "You really did it!"
posted by jenfullmoon at 12:22 PM on April 12, 2023