GOAL SETTING ; or how to overcome existential dread...
April 2, 2023 3:35 PM Subscribe
I'm in no way proud of how my life has turned out. I feel defeated on every level. Some people can shift their values to reflect their current reality- but thanks to religious trauma , I am not one of those people. I'm not suicidal, I have a therapist and a good psych... but seriously, how does one start feeling proud of themselves without a huge amount of external validation (income, health, beauty, or instagram likes )? I really cannot stand to be alone with these thoughts, so I work every minute that I am asked and I sleep as much as possible-
It strikes me that most of the things on your list (with the possible exception of health) are things that you think others might value in you. I think one thing you might consider trying is measuring your own worth the same way you measure the worth of others. I doubt very seriously that would require a huge change in your value system. Or do you really care that much about other people's salaries or how many instagram likes they get or how beautiful they are? Do you only value healthy people? I suspect this low self-esteem may be coming from trying to live up to what Instagram values, instead of what you value.
Are you generous, kind, honest, fair, creative, smart, loyal, dependable, funny... etc? Most people are at least some subset of these things, and most decent people tend to value some subset of these things. Maybe try taking pride in reflecting back at the world those things you value most, rather than the things instagram wants you to value most?
posted by invincible summer at 5:02 PM on April 2, 2023 [6 favorites]
Are you generous, kind, honest, fair, creative, smart, loyal, dependable, funny... etc? Most people are at least some subset of these things, and most decent people tend to value some subset of these things. Maybe try taking pride in reflecting back at the world those things you value most, rather than the things instagram wants you to value most?
posted by invincible summer at 5:02 PM on April 2, 2023 [6 favorites]
seriously, how does one start feeling proud of themselves
Volunteer- help refugees learn English, etc. Focusing on other people will help you feel better, guaranteed.
posted by pinochiette at 6:36 PM on April 2, 2023 [6 favorites]
Volunteer- help refugees learn English, etc. Focusing on other people will help you feel better, guaranteed.
posted by pinochiette at 6:36 PM on April 2, 2023 [6 favorites]
I see a lot of myself in this question. I completely understand how it feels to have regret, or feel the pull of 'lost time' in life, and how it may feel like you are generally not succeeding in life by certain standards; Capitalism and many religious traditions create a pretty nasty feedback loop, much like you're describing. Layering in an unhealthy traumatic relationship with both those systems is extremely hard to cope with. I deal with that tension regularly; It's really hard, and it is awful that you are there. Many of the vicious parts of religious systems are how they penalize pride, even when that pride is healthy, and by all other metrics, a good thing.
You may not be successful by the metrics you've listed above, but they may not be all the values that you have (or even know you have!).
I fully understand that it feels like you cannot change your values or beliefs. Even if we take this as fact (and I would gently push back on this; that it is possible to change one's values but that it is very difficult, and seem impossible at certain times; this is depression's hit single if there ever was one), it may be an easier lift may be that you can turn the volume down on certain values, and you can turn the volume up on others. It takes practice, and work, but discovering new or emphasizing existing values that you can access and address, can lead to some solace that you may be seeking. Spending time cultivating those values to make that emphasis automatic is by no means easy either, but ultimately rewarding.
I'm not very successful at capitalism or by many of the metrics you've listed above and I probably won't be; this keeps me up at night sometimes. However, much by accident, one thing I've learned that I value is learning about the natural world. Botany and mycology are free to learn (at least, to you, as you have access to the internet). I didn't know this was as important to me until I found it, but it is an example of mine; you may never cultivate this value or it may not resonate with you. I could go on for days as to why its important to me, but that's not the point of the suggestion. Turning the volume knob up on that is really valuable for me, and paying it focus has never left met feeling bad.
Volunteering, as pinochiette, is a fantastic example of this. Volunteering is work, but by definition divorced from capitalism, and if you want divorced from religion. You can't 'win' at helping others, but it can garner a very healthy type of pride.
This is really hard. I hope you can carve out some moments of peace and respite.
posted by furnace.heart at 7:34 PM on April 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
You may not be successful by the metrics you've listed above, but they may not be all the values that you have (or even know you have!).
I fully understand that it feels like you cannot change your values or beliefs. Even if we take this as fact (and I would gently push back on this; that it is possible to change one's values but that it is very difficult, and seem impossible at certain times; this is depression's hit single if there ever was one), it may be an easier lift may be that you can turn the volume down on certain values, and you can turn the volume up on others. It takes practice, and work, but discovering new or emphasizing existing values that you can access and address, can lead to some solace that you may be seeking. Spending time cultivating those values to make that emphasis automatic is by no means easy either, but ultimately rewarding.
I'm not very successful at capitalism or by many of the metrics you've listed above and I probably won't be; this keeps me up at night sometimes. However, much by accident, one thing I've learned that I value is learning about the natural world. Botany and mycology are free to learn (at least, to you, as you have access to the internet). I didn't know this was as important to me until I found it, but it is an example of mine; you may never cultivate this value or it may not resonate with you. I could go on for days as to why its important to me, but that's not the point of the suggestion. Turning the volume knob up on that is really valuable for me, and paying it focus has never left met feeling bad.
Volunteering, as pinochiette, is a fantastic example of this. Volunteering is work, but by definition divorced from capitalism, and if you want divorced from religion. You can't 'win' at helping others, but it can garner a very healthy type of pride.
This is really hard. I hope you can carve out some moments of peace and respite.
posted by furnace.heart at 7:34 PM on April 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
Try getting good at something for it’s own sake - - something that is fairly objectively measurable.
The best poet in my hometown works as a checker in a supermarket. The second best poet in my town is on long term disability. Most of the best poets in my town, which punches well above its weight for poets, make piss all money. I have barriers to attainment that really did my head in for a while, but I have proved to myself that I have true mastery of my own skills, voice and capacities in poetry, no matter how far below the top five I am. Crucially, I can tell by looking at the poem that it’s a good poem, and if it sucks, I can fix it. This helps me get the dopamine hit, even if I know nobody is going to pay for the poem. It’s observably, cross-referentially good. I can write a meaningful, effective poem about farts from butts if I have to. No fucker can take that off of me, and it helps. I can do it no matter how shitty I feel, if I’m in a crisis, or whatever. I keep getting better at it because I keep doing it, and I will keep doing it until I lose my marbles. Then I’ll be in a pickle. Maybe you have something you can get that good at. It took me a big while to figure this out.
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 7:35 PM on April 2, 2023 [11 favorites]
The best poet in my hometown works as a checker in a supermarket. The second best poet in my town is on long term disability. Most of the best poets in my town, which punches well above its weight for poets, make piss all money. I have barriers to attainment that really did my head in for a while, but I have proved to myself that I have true mastery of my own skills, voice and capacities in poetry, no matter how far below the top five I am. Crucially, I can tell by looking at the poem that it’s a good poem, and if it sucks, I can fix it. This helps me get the dopamine hit, even if I know nobody is going to pay for the poem. It’s observably, cross-referentially good. I can write a meaningful, effective poem about farts from butts if I have to. No fucker can take that off of me, and it helps. I can do it no matter how shitty I feel, if I’m in a crisis, or whatever. I keep getting better at it because I keep doing it, and I will keep doing it until I lose my marbles. Then I’ll be in a pickle. Maybe you have something you can get that good at. It took me a big while to figure this out.
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 7:35 PM on April 2, 2023 [11 favorites]
Read for pleasure but make sure it is good quality writing.
If a text can pull you in, you are thinking in a different way, observing in a different way, which strengthens your personal way of thinking and observing.
posted by Barbara Spitzer at 9:17 PM on April 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
If a text can pull you in, you are thinking in a different way, observing in a different way, which strengthens your personal way of thinking and observing.
posted by Barbara Spitzer at 9:17 PM on April 2, 2023 [3 favorites]
This is what works for me:
Become aware of what I'm telling myself in a non judgemental way.
Every time I notice that I'm ruminating, I consider what I'm thinking and decide on the most accurate but neutral way to describe the thought. Like an interested and kind scientist might. For example "ok, I'm arguing with an imaginary person about something that might happen" or "I'm telling myself that I won't be able to cope if x happens".
I don't argue with myself, or berate myself for having these thoughts. I just note them. It's OK if this happens over and over again, that's proof I'm a human being, and ruminating is a thing that happens sometimes.
If things get bad or I start feeling angry and frustrated with myself, I do self care that takes me out of my head. Cold water on the face, exercise, cute animal videos (look up techniques to activate the parasympathetic nervous system and take your body out of stress mode)
I've accepted that I need external validation and that there's nothing shameful about that. It's how all human brains are wired. No point in being ashamed of something outside of my control.
I also know that everyone has the capacity to reassure and validate themselves, although most of us have been taught not to do this ("don't be arrogant /vain/self centered!")
Replace negative self talk with realistic self talk. "I will never be able to cope with the pain of x when it inevitably happens." becomes "I don't know if x will happen. That's scary, because unknown things are scary. If x happens I might feel pain and fear, but I will also survive. I will figure out how to cope. It's OK if I don't yet know how that will happen but I trust my future self."
With any new habit it's important to stay inside your window of tolerance as much as possible. Push your capacity to sit with uncomfortable emotions just a bit at a time.
Watch out for the voice that's telling you "but if let myself feel bad things I might [insert negative thought spiral] "
You can reassure, distract, and calm yourself.
Focus on getting to know your needs in a kind and unjudgemental way. Give yourself what you need even if it seems childish, selfish, needy. Leave aside how you "should" be, and find out who you are.
posted by Zumbador at 9:55 PM on April 2, 2023 [10 favorites]
Become aware of what I'm telling myself in a non judgemental way.
Every time I notice that I'm ruminating, I consider what I'm thinking and decide on the most accurate but neutral way to describe the thought. Like an interested and kind scientist might. For example "ok, I'm arguing with an imaginary person about something that might happen" or "I'm telling myself that I won't be able to cope if x happens".
I don't argue with myself, or berate myself for having these thoughts. I just note them. It's OK if this happens over and over again, that's proof I'm a human being, and ruminating is a thing that happens sometimes.
If things get bad or I start feeling angry and frustrated with myself, I do self care that takes me out of my head. Cold water on the face, exercise, cute animal videos (look up techniques to activate the parasympathetic nervous system and take your body out of stress mode)
I've accepted that I need external validation and that there's nothing shameful about that. It's how all human brains are wired. No point in being ashamed of something outside of my control.
I also know that everyone has the capacity to reassure and validate themselves, although most of us have been taught not to do this ("don't be arrogant /vain/self centered!")
Replace negative self talk with realistic self talk. "I will never be able to cope with the pain of x when it inevitably happens." becomes "I don't know if x will happen. That's scary, because unknown things are scary. If x happens I might feel pain and fear, but I will also survive. I will figure out how to cope. It's OK if I don't yet know how that will happen but I trust my future self."
With any new habit it's important to stay inside your window of tolerance as much as possible. Push your capacity to sit with uncomfortable emotions just a bit at a time.
Watch out for the voice that's telling you "but if let myself feel bad things I might [insert negative thought spiral] "
You can reassure, distract, and calm yourself.
Focus on getting to know your needs in a kind and unjudgemental way. Give yourself what you need even if it seems childish, selfish, needy. Leave aside how you "should" be, and find out who you are.
posted by Zumbador at 9:55 PM on April 2, 2023 [10 favorites]
income, health, and beauty are nothing to be proud of, for anyone. they are things to take pleasure in for many and to brag about for some.
to feel proud, do something to be proud of. this is in your power no matter how miserable your circumstances as long as you have a few free hours per week to do it in. good works and all that. pride in yourself & your actions is not going to produce happiness as I think you know, but it is more durable than happiness because if it is valid it can have nothing at all to do with good fortune, good looks, or good health.
(I do not have or believe in a pure work ethic but if you do, working as much as you’re asked to is certainly something you might be proud of, just to start with, since you already do that.)
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:10 AM on April 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
to feel proud, do something to be proud of. this is in your power no matter how miserable your circumstances as long as you have a few free hours per week to do it in. good works and all that. pride in yourself & your actions is not going to produce happiness as I think you know, but it is more durable than happiness because if it is valid it can have nothing at all to do with good fortune, good looks, or good health.
(I do not have or believe in a pure work ethic but if you do, working as much as you’re asked to is certainly something you might be proud of, just to start with, since you already do that.)
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:10 AM on April 3, 2023 [1 favorite]
I don’t know what you should do, but I identify with your dilemma. The other day I reminded myself that at least I managed to outlive Apple cofounder Steve Jobs. One of the reasons why I’m active on MetaFilter is because I crave validation and so I post things on the blue on occasion, and it feels good when people like the post. They don’t always, but it is one way to get a little bit of outside validation for me. Like most people, or at least many people, I have been through a lot of hard things. I’m proud of myself for not giving up on (content warning) life. I used to be more of an asshole, and then I started going to Al-Anon meetings and have become less of an asshole. I let people with fewer items go ahead of me at grocery stores. I used to have some fairly high ambitions for myself. I did not realize those ambitions. But between my mental health issues, my sometimes physical health issues, and the support that I am offering my grandchildren from time to time, I don’t have any extra for being a world class anything. And you know what? My life has value and I am a valuable human being just as I am. I’m not actually obligated to justify my value. As I have frequently said, and perhaps others have as well, we also serve who serve as bad examples. That’s mostly a joke because I am not a bad example so much anymore. But it’s also partly true because apparently I’m just never gonna be able to keep my house tidy. That is the reality. But I’m a wonderful human being anyway and I bet you are as well. This is hard stuff. Best of luck.
posted by Bella Donna at 9:40 AM on April 3, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 9:40 AM on April 3, 2023 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks to everyone; great insight.
posted by Mr. Metaphor at 7:48 PM on April 5, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Mr. Metaphor at 7:48 PM on April 5, 2023 [1 favorite]
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