Whitewashing your name
March 24, 2023 3:11 AM Subscribe
I have a very obvious foreign-sounding and looking last name, and I live in the states. My name has been kind of a pain-in-the-ass for my entire life (especially growing up in racist fly-over country). I'm thinking about changing it, but also have lots of feelings about this.
I'm now in a very diverse city and have been for almost 20 years.
But--I'm thinking about shortening my last name name in a way in which it will be less obviously foreign (and less indicative of my cultural background). My name is hyphenated (from birth), so I would just drop one of the names. My first name is foreign and would be easily recognizable to anyone from my culture, and my shortened last name isn't like a typical American last name but also not obviously identifiable as a person from X part of the world. So it's not like I'd be going from a super foreign name to Sally Smith.
Two of my siblings have done this with very little internal struggle. My father wouldn't care. Professionally, I go by the shortened name anyway because it's easier for clients and it gets old spending decades of your life explaining to people how to say your name. I've been playing around with my full name for some things, my shortened name for others, but ultimately I think I'd like to just land on one or the other.
But, also, I feel like by doing this I'm white-washing my name, and I feel ashamed of this. But also, I don't feel any strong need to actively have to talk about where I'm from blah blah for the rest of my life or politely laugh when Americans suddenly cannot read when they see my name and totally butcher it in an unnecessary way. I'm over it. I was over it by the age of 12.
So, any me-fites who have done this? Any regrets? Things I should consider beforehand? Grateful for any and all insights. Thank you!
I'm now in a very diverse city and have been for almost 20 years.
But--I'm thinking about shortening my last name name in a way in which it will be less obviously foreign (and less indicative of my cultural background). My name is hyphenated (from birth), so I would just drop one of the names. My first name is foreign and would be easily recognizable to anyone from my culture, and my shortened last name isn't like a typical American last name but also not obviously identifiable as a person from X part of the world. So it's not like I'd be going from a super foreign name to Sally Smith.
Two of my siblings have done this with very little internal struggle. My father wouldn't care. Professionally, I go by the shortened name anyway because it's easier for clients and it gets old spending decades of your life explaining to people how to say your name. I've been playing around with my full name for some things, my shortened name for others, but ultimately I think I'd like to just land on one or the other.
But, also, I feel like by doing this I'm white-washing my name, and I feel ashamed of this. But also, I don't feel any strong need to actively have to talk about where I'm from blah blah for the rest of my life or politely laugh when Americans suddenly cannot read when they see my name and totally butcher it in an unnecessary way. I'm over it. I was over it by the age of 12.
So, any me-fites who have done this? Any regrets? Things I should consider beforehand? Grateful for any and all insights. Thank you!
It sounds like the change would simplify your life and make you happy. I have often appreciated that my first name is easy to spell when I am giving it to someone. Similarly, I recently got myself an easy-to-spell Gmail address to use instead of my cute but hard to spell custom domain email address. It saves a lot of hassle and repetition when telling someone my email.
Your concern about whitewashing doesn’t sound like something you actually feel. It sounds like something you think you should feel. If that’s the case, I suggest you let it go and do what makes you happy.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 5:29 AM on March 24, 2023 [3 favorites]
Your concern about whitewashing doesn’t sound like something you actually feel. It sounds like something you think you should feel. If that’s the case, I suggest you let it go and do what makes you happy.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 5:29 AM on March 24, 2023 [3 favorites]
This is really interesting. I have a non-Anglo surname, which is mostly neither spelled nor pronounced right. One of the reasons I keep it is because I am otherwise very, very English in the way I look and sound and I want my other (also white and European) heritage to be visible in some way. But I have so much class and race privilege already that I'm not really giving up much in keeping my surname, and in a practical sense people pronounce it wrong but they don't actually struggle to pronounce it at all.
Someone I know found the hassle of having a double-barrelled surname enough annoyance to drop the first half and only use the second half. I don't know whether she has legally changed her name, but she universally uses the shorter version. She's Jewish and you might guess that from her shortened name, but you might not.
In your position, I think moving the first part of the hyphen to your middle name might be a good idea. My other reason for not changing my name is that it is just fundamentally part of my identity, but I don't shifting which category the different worlds fall into would feel as much of a shift as dropping a bit entirely.
posted by plonkee at 6:46 AM on March 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
Someone I know found the hassle of having a double-barrelled surname enough annoyance to drop the first half and only use the second half. I don't know whether she has legally changed her name, but she universally uses the shorter version. She's Jewish and you might guess that from her shortened name, but you might not.
In your position, I think moving the first part of the hyphen to your middle name might be a good idea. My other reason for not changing my name is that it is just fundamentally part of my identity, but I don't shifting which category the different worlds fall into would feel as much of a shift as dropping a bit entirely.
posted by plonkee at 6:46 AM on March 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
On a practical level, you might not need to legally change your name. I know a lot of Chinese people in the US who go by names that appear nowhere on their paperwork. Is seeing the shortened name printed on your documents really important to you? Or, conversely, would it make you feel better to keep your full name legally, and just go by the shortened name socially?
posted by airmail at 8:07 AM on March 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by airmail at 8:07 AM on March 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
I am in a somewhat similar position. (I am a brown person from a red state with a "weird name" that has not been easy.) I spent most of my childhood and young adulthood thinking of changing my name (in fact, did I think of anything else???)
I decided to keep it. Yes, it would have made my life easier. But if I'd changed it, which I nearly did, many, many times, I knew deep down that my life would have been more comfortable but I would never have felt comfortable with giving in to assimilation. I want my gravestone to have my real name on it, not something I changed to make my existence easier for people I don't care about.
That said, I would not judge you even a tiny bit! I still VERY MUCH would have appreciated an easier name! But I wonder if by writing this question, you are showing that you're never really going to be truly OK with changing it.
posted by heavenknows at 8:29 AM on March 24, 2023 [5 favorites]
I decided to keep it. Yes, it would have made my life easier. But if I'd changed it, which I nearly did, many, many times, I knew deep down that my life would have been more comfortable but I would never have felt comfortable with giving in to assimilation. I want my gravestone to have my real name on it, not something I changed to make my existence easier for people I don't care about.
That said, I would not judge you even a tiny bit! I still VERY MUCH would have appreciated an easier name! But I wonder if by writing this question, you are showing that you're never really going to be truly OK with changing it.
posted by heavenknows at 8:29 AM on March 24, 2023 [5 favorites]
As a person who deals with names a lot in my job, you may end up with a huge ol' paperwork mess if you go around using different versions of your name in all these different places, especially on anything governmental/work/official. If you have any interest in doing/going anywhere international, you REALLY want all your dang paperwork to match with the same name. At one point I was forced to write a formal letter to a country's government explaining that Jane Doe Smith was the same person as Jane Smith because Jane had put her middle name on some paperwork but not on other paperwork and they didn't believe it was the same person. And that was just Europe--Far East countries are even worse on the topic.
I know a lot of Chinese people in the US who go by names that appear nowhere on their paperwork.
I'm the person that has to deal with that problem and um, I don't recommend that, as it causes a lot of problems here. Admittedly, it sounds like OP has a distinctive enough name that I just deleted my rant on this topic about having to search through 100+ Kevin Trans* in the system, but if you go by multiple names/versions of your name, this can get confusing as heck on a paperwork level. I had a coworker who went by "Jane Smith" at work, but we'd also see "Jane McDowell-Smith"** on her name on work things half the time and it was pretty weird as to how that worked.
*I use the Supernatural character as a good example of "common first name + common last name = good luck figuring out which of the many of him you are."
** pseudonyms, I'll say one of her last names was extremely common and the added-on last name wasn't.
I think it's fine with changing it, or moving part of the last name into a middle, or whatever. It's your life, you're tired of dealing with the name, you're over 18 (presumably). If you hate the name, if you think about changing it all the time, why not just do it and get it over with?
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:11 AM on March 24, 2023
I know a lot of Chinese people in the US who go by names that appear nowhere on their paperwork.
I'm the person that has to deal with that problem and um, I don't recommend that, as it causes a lot of problems here. Admittedly, it sounds like OP has a distinctive enough name that I just deleted my rant on this topic about having to search through 100+ Kevin Trans* in the system, but if you go by multiple names/versions of your name, this can get confusing as heck on a paperwork level. I had a coworker who went by "Jane Smith" at work, but we'd also see "Jane McDowell-Smith"** on her name on work things half the time and it was pretty weird as to how that worked.
*I use the Supernatural character as a good example of "common first name + common last name = good luck figuring out which of the many of him you are."
** pseudonyms, I'll say one of her last names was extremely common and the added-on last name wasn't.
I think it's fine with changing it, or moving part of the last name into a middle, or whatever. It's your life, you're tired of dealing with the name, you're over 18 (presumably). If you hate the name, if you think about changing it all the time, why not just do it and get it over with?
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:11 AM on March 24, 2023
I have a different kind of name experience, but I think this may be relevant to your dilemma. I am a woman and I took my husband's last name when we married. The reason I wanted to do this was because I had trouble enunciating my maiden name when introducing myself. The best comparison I can make is to the old SNL parody of Barbara Walters where Gilda Radner pronounced her name "Bawa Wawa." It was embarrassing and annoying. I have no trouble enunciating my married name, which is why I took it. However, I continue to feel conflicted about taking my husband's name. I did something for my own convenience but it looks super old fashioned and patriarchal. I think overall, I'd make the same choice because it's less painful for me to deal with the lingering angst about changing my name than ongoing instances of mispronouncing my own name to new people. My point is, you might be choosing between two types of discomfort, rather than determining which option is exactly right.
posted by theotherdurassister at 9:23 AM on March 24, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by theotherdurassister at 9:23 AM on March 24, 2023 [5 favorites]
As a person who deals with names a lot in my job, you may end up with a huge ol' paperwork mess if you go around using different versions of your name in all these different places, especially on anything governmental/work/official. If you have any interest in doing/going anywhere international, you REALLY want all your dang paperwork to match with the same name. At one point I was forced to write a formal letter to a country's government explaining that Jane Doe Smith was the same person as Jane Smith because Jane had put her middle name on some paperwork but not on other paperwork and they didn't believe it was the same person.
Seconding this. I had a similar experience when I was assistant to a bunch of bankers; one of them was a younger guy whose parents were in the middle of divorcing at the time he started working with us. And, I'm assuming he hadn't quite settled on what his "name" was going to be post-divorce because:
* His HR paperwork bore the name BirthFirstname BirthMiddleName FatherSurname.
* He signed up for his travel profile as BirthFirstname MotherSurname FatherSurname.
* His expense account was under Birthfirstname BirthMiddleName MotherSurname.
* Another account was under BirthFirstInitial BirthMiddleName MotherSurname FatherSurname.
And so on. And he would frequently forget what name he'd signed up for various things under, and would do things like try to file an expense report under "BirthFirstName FatherSurname" and then ask me to track down where his reimbursement went after it never showed up. We finally had to tell him to "pick one name and stick with it."
That said: there is a bright spot, in that some HR processing systems will allow you to designate between someone's "legal name" and their "preferred name". The practical upshot being that there is a formal record in the HR department that the name on your government documents is "X Epsilon Datacore" or whatever, but everywhere else in the company - your email, your expense accounts, your payroll, yadda yadda - would all be under "Frank Smith". So it's sometimes possible to make a change like this in your "everyday" life without having to jump through bureaucratic government hoops. (Ironically, I know this from making pretty much the exact opposite change when I worked in HR - we hired a guy from Northern Ireland whose passport had his first name as "Declan", but he greatly preferred the Celtic spelling of "Deaglan". I put him in the system with "Declan" as the "legal name" and "Deaglan" as the "preferred name" and that populated across the whole rest of the company's systems.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:16 AM on March 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
Seconding this. I had a similar experience when I was assistant to a bunch of bankers; one of them was a younger guy whose parents were in the middle of divorcing at the time he started working with us. And, I'm assuming he hadn't quite settled on what his "name" was going to be post-divorce because:
* His HR paperwork bore the name BirthFirstname BirthMiddleName FatherSurname.
* He signed up for his travel profile as BirthFirstname MotherSurname FatherSurname.
* His expense account was under Birthfirstname BirthMiddleName MotherSurname.
* Another account was under BirthFirstInitial BirthMiddleName MotherSurname FatherSurname.
And so on. And he would frequently forget what name he'd signed up for various things under, and would do things like try to file an expense report under "BirthFirstName FatherSurname" and then ask me to track down where his reimbursement went after it never showed up. We finally had to tell him to "pick one name and stick with it."
That said: there is a bright spot, in that some HR processing systems will allow you to designate between someone's "legal name" and their "preferred name". The practical upshot being that there is a formal record in the HR department that the name on your government documents is "X Epsilon Datacore" or whatever, but everywhere else in the company - your email, your expense accounts, your payroll, yadda yadda - would all be under "Frank Smith". So it's sometimes possible to make a change like this in your "everyday" life without having to jump through bureaucratic government hoops. (Ironically, I know this from making pretty much the exact opposite change when I worked in HR - we hired a guy from Northern Ireland whose passport had his first name as "Declan", but he greatly preferred the Celtic spelling of "Deaglan". I put him in the system with "Declan" as the "legal name" and "Deaglan" as the "preferred name" and that populated across the whole rest of the company's systems.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:16 AM on March 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
I note we have "preferred name" in our database, but it's for first names only rather than last names. I'm not sure if preferred last name is A Thing in other places?
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:32 AM on March 24, 2023
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:32 AM on March 24, 2023
I'm not sure if preferred last name is A Thing in other places?
To clarify: I did say that some HR processing systems would allow for this. Your mileage may vary, but it is worth asking.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:17 AM on March 24, 2023
To clarify: I did say that some HR processing systems would allow for this. Your mileage may vary, but it is worth asking.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:17 AM on March 24, 2023
Using a different name socially doesn't preclude you from being consistent on your paperwork... I know 10 million Kevins but whatever they have on their driver's license is between them and the DMV. Just remember to fill out forms with your government name.
I'm sort of in this situation - I go by my middle name instead of my first. No one knows my first name aside from my family, and bureaucracy. Sometimes, due to system limitations, I can only enter my first name. The only times this has been relevant are when one time I needed a friend to pick up something on my behalf (I just told them my full name), when I'm waiting for the doctor and I have to listen for my first name, and ofc what's printed on my documentation. I'm OK with this, but some people feel really strongly about being called the same name in all situations, even when it's very impersonal. How do you feel about it?
posted by airmail at 11:54 AM on March 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
I'm sort of in this situation - I go by my middle name instead of my first. No one knows my first name aside from my family, and bureaucracy. Sometimes, due to system limitations, I can only enter my first name. The only times this has been relevant are when one time I needed a friend to pick up something on my behalf (I just told them my full name), when I'm waiting for the doctor and I have to listen for my first name, and ofc what's printed on my documentation. I'm OK with this, but some people feel really strongly about being called the same name in all situations, even when it's very impersonal. How do you feel about it?
posted by airmail at 11:54 AM on March 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
I haven't changed my name but I do pronounce it in a way that is more in line with an English pronunciation and not how it would be pronounced in the Muslim world. For my kids I gave them names that still have Muslim roots but are the English version of them and by themselves would pass as "white" names.
The spouse of one of my cousins went by a different name for work purposes and it has become his name now and pretty much everyone calls him by it. Maybe everyone in our parents' generation calls him by his real name but everyone else goes by the nickname.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 12:51 PM on March 24, 2023
The spouse of one of my cousins went by a different name for work purposes and it has become his name now and pretty much everyone calls him by it. Maybe everyone in our parents' generation calls him by his real name but everyone else goes by the nickname.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 12:51 PM on March 24, 2023
I have a very obviously Asian name. What I did was pick a nickname and whenever I had to introduce myself or someone struggles with my name, I go "just call me (nickname)".
posted by kschang at 2:42 PM on March 24, 2023
posted by kschang at 2:42 PM on March 24, 2023
But also, I don't feel any strong need to actively have to talk about where I'm from blah blah for the rest of my life or politely laugh when Americans suddenly cannot read when they see my name and totally butcher it in an unnecessary way.
relateable. my username is my actual (first) name and i also tire of this lifelong “conversation piece”. it somehow feels like a very private thing, the why and how of my name— but of course how do we keep our name private and live in the world with other people? i don’t know.
it was so much tougher as a kid. as i grew up i grew into my name, and i couldn’t imagine changing it now. similar to you, OP, i feel like it would be untrue to where i came from if i were to change. this is such a personal decision. if you do change your name, i hope it brings you the relief and ease you are looking for.
posted by tamarack at 9:47 PM on March 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
relateable. my username is my actual (first) name and i also tire of this lifelong “conversation piece”. it somehow feels like a very private thing, the why and how of my name— but of course how do we keep our name private and live in the world with other people? i don’t know.
it was so much tougher as a kid. as i grew up i grew into my name, and i couldn’t imagine changing it now. similar to you, OP, i feel like it would be untrue to where i came from if i were to change. this is such a personal decision. if you do change your name, i hope it brings you the relief and ease you are looking for.
posted by tamarack at 9:47 PM on March 24, 2023 [1 favorite]
I can understand thinking of it as white-washing, but as a matter of history many people of all colors have changed their last names when immigrating to the U.S. There’s a myth that it all happened at Ellis Island but it seems to have been much more organic than that — people from Poland getting really tired of having "Wojciech" butchered, people from Ukraine desperately changing Zhadkowskyi to Zadkowski in the hope that at least one person will spell their name right one day, that sort of thing. And as you are aware there is a long history of people from Asia doing the same thing.
You have your own tolerances of course, but if you do choose to change your name you will be participating in a tradition that has been in full swing since the U.S. opened its doors.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:49 PM on March 24, 2023 [5 favorites]
You have your own tolerances of course, but if you do choose to change your name you will be participating in a tradition that has been in full swing since the U.S. opened its doors.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:49 PM on March 24, 2023 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
With name changes it’s so many details, and people will ask. It’s fair to say that it reflects your professional identity and simplicity, however (!) yes, there is unpleasantness and worse from people who make uninformed judgments about names, ethnicity and belonging. Are you worried about being vulnerable with your name as-is? Being misunderstood as “passing” when you are actually fond of your family name and culture especially when you’re among family/people who absolutely get your ethnic name as normal (and whose ancestors would be like “Smith, what kind of last name is THAT?”)? Just be clear on your intention, especially if the red-state noise is a red herring.
On a practical level, it might be tough for people you’ve been out-of-touch with to find you online, but chances are you have a social network that will overcome it. This could be extended family or a professional reference/contact from a decade ago. Most of it is managing paperwork/online processes, just expect there to be one. more. name-change. form. to complete when you feel “done”, some of it is an exercise in patience.
posted by childofTethys at 4:50 AM on March 24, 2023