How do you grieve the death of an alienated parent?
March 19, 2023 1:30 AM Subscribe
I started grieving the death of my father 22 years ago with the help of a therapist. He was the black sheep of my family. He never worked, did not look after his health, and never bothered to establish a real relationship with me. He just seemed utterly defeated. I never really knew him, but I think of him and his death a lot. I am looking for stories from others with similar experience and recommendations of resources.
My father died 22 years ago. My parents separated when I was 4 and my mother prevented my father from seeing me for several years after that. They started living together again, very unhappily so, when I was 10 until his death 7 years later. They got back together more for financial reason than anything else. He was not abusive to me but he was not a good father either. He was just sort of there and did nothing but the bare minimum of what life required of him. He never tried to get to know me. My mother and my sister shunned him for reasons that are unclear to me. They only had bad things to say about him while he was alive. After he died, we barely spoke about him. The few times I heard his name mentioned after he died, it was always in the context of what a terrible husband and father he was.
I was not particularly kind to him either. I was ashamed of having him as my father because he did not work, did not keep up his appearance, and he was sick the whole time I was growing up. If I talked to him at all, it was just because I had to. That's the person that I knew growing up: defeated, lazy, good-for-nothing. A few years ago I found some letters he wrote to my mother when they just separated. He begged her to get back together and begged her to let him see me. That was the only time I ever knew of him wanting anything or making efforts for me.
I think about him and his death a lot. I only started properly grieving his death this year with the help of a therapist. Talking about it in therapy has been helpful but I don't know what lies at the end of this journey.
- What does it feel like when one has done all the grief work for this kind of loss?
- If you have a similar experience, what story do you tell yourself that helps you accept your loss?
- How can I honor his memory in a way that is meaningful while acknowledging that he was not a good father to me?
- I found the literature on parental alienation and disenfranchised grief helpful, I would be interested in hearing recommendations for other topic/ resources/ books/ movies that may be helpful.
My father died 22 years ago. My parents separated when I was 4 and my mother prevented my father from seeing me for several years after that. They started living together again, very unhappily so, when I was 10 until his death 7 years later. They got back together more for financial reason than anything else. He was not abusive to me but he was not a good father either. He was just sort of there and did nothing but the bare minimum of what life required of him. He never tried to get to know me. My mother and my sister shunned him for reasons that are unclear to me. They only had bad things to say about him while he was alive. After he died, we barely spoke about him. The few times I heard his name mentioned after he died, it was always in the context of what a terrible husband and father he was.
I was not particularly kind to him either. I was ashamed of having him as my father because he did not work, did not keep up his appearance, and he was sick the whole time I was growing up. If I talked to him at all, it was just because I had to. That's the person that I knew growing up: defeated, lazy, good-for-nothing. A few years ago I found some letters he wrote to my mother when they just separated. He begged her to get back together and begged her to let him see me. That was the only time I ever knew of him wanting anything or making efforts for me.
I think about him and his death a lot. I only started properly grieving his death this year with the help of a therapist. Talking about it in therapy has been helpful but I don't know what lies at the end of this journey.
- What does it feel like when one has done all the grief work for this kind of loss?
- If you have a similar experience, what story do you tell yourself that helps you accept your loss?
- How can I honor his memory in a way that is meaningful while acknowledging that he was not a good father to me?
- I found the literature on parental alienation and disenfranchised grief helpful, I would be interested in hearing recommendations for other topic/ resources/ books/ movies that may be helpful.
Nobody is 100% good or bad. Even people whose parents were able to show up a lot more than your father can have ambivalent feelings about their parents. Despite trying, parents may not be able to meet a particular child’s needs.
Your father was clearly falling short of a lot of societal expectations about what a husband and father should do. Your description suggests he may have had significant mental health problems contributing to that. But your (family’s) needs were not met. Reading between the lines, I am not sure your mother would win any prices for her behaviour or choices here - whatever her reasons, marrying your father a second time and deciding to stick with it set you all up for years of misery.
So accepting the fact that he was a poor parent, even if he missed you after the first divorce and even if he was a deeply unhappy person, and accepting that your needs were not met, and acknowledging that you were put in an impossible position. You can’t know the ins and outs, you can’t undo the hurt caused all round, all you can do is recognise the humanity of flawed human beings.
posted by koahiatamadl at 7:28 AM on March 19, 2023 [3 favorites]
Your father was clearly falling short of a lot of societal expectations about what a husband and father should do. Your description suggests he may have had significant mental health problems contributing to that. But your (family’s) needs were not met. Reading between the lines, I am not sure your mother would win any prices for her behaviour or choices here - whatever her reasons, marrying your father a second time and deciding to stick with it set you all up for years of misery.
So accepting the fact that he was a poor parent, even if he missed you after the first divorce and even if he was a deeply unhappy person, and accepting that your needs were not met, and acknowledging that you were put in an impossible position. You can’t know the ins and outs, you can’t undo the hurt caused all round, all you can do is recognise the humanity of flawed human beings.
posted by koahiatamadl at 7:28 AM on March 19, 2023 [3 favorites]
He was not abusive to me but he was not a good father either. He was just sort of there and did nothing but the bare minimum of what life required of him. He never tried to get to know me. My mother and my sister shunned him for reasons that are unclear to me. They only had bad things to say about him while he was alive. After he died, we barely spoke about him. The few times I heard his name mentioned after he died, it was always in the context of what a terrible husband and father he was.
I was not particularly kind to him either. I was ashamed of having him as my father because he did not work, did not keep up his appearance, and he was sick the whole time I was growing up. If I talked to him at all, it was just because I had to. That's the person that I knew growing up: defeated, lazy, good-for-nothing.
There's something interesting about what you say here. You say that your mother and sister shunned him for reasons that are unclear to you… yet you also have a clearly enumerated list of the things that were wrong with him! I sense considerable hurt and confusion over this mysterious shunning and over the lack of grieving after his death, yet this hurt and confusion is sandwiched between some pretty strong judgments you have about your father.
I’m thinking there may be a part of you that is wondering if these judgments you have about your father are entirely YOUR judgments or whether they are really the judgments your mother and sister encouraged you to take up. A Party Line, so to speak. I was the youngest child in a family where certain members of the family had assigned roles, like "the fuckup" or "the golden child" or "the quiet one," and I can confirm that the pressure on a child to adopt the family's judgments about certain things can be intense.
There's a possibility that by the time your dad came back into your life, the verdict was already in and the rest of your family viewed him as irredeemable. Did you also view him as irredeemable that whole time? I ask this because the adjectives you use to describe your father – lazy, defeated, good for nothing -- well, frankly, they are somewhat unusual complaints for a child to have against a parent. Not to put too fine a point on it, but they sound more like the complaints an adult would have about a spouse. I could certainly be wrong about this, since parents can fuck up in a multitude of ways! But usually what a child deeply needs and desires from a parent is stability and emotional availability – not a top-dog financial powerhouse.
I’m not saying your father was actually lovely and fantastic and perfect. Your resentment against your father, and the reasons for it, sound pretty clear. But I think what you might consider is whether or not you also have a resentment against your mother and sister, because it sounds like part of you is wondering if your family never let you love your dad or give him a fair shot.
posted by cubeb at 9:33 AM on March 19, 2023 [11 favorites]
I was not particularly kind to him either. I was ashamed of having him as my father because he did not work, did not keep up his appearance, and he was sick the whole time I was growing up. If I talked to him at all, it was just because I had to. That's the person that I knew growing up: defeated, lazy, good-for-nothing.
There's something interesting about what you say here. You say that your mother and sister shunned him for reasons that are unclear to you… yet you also have a clearly enumerated list of the things that were wrong with him! I sense considerable hurt and confusion over this mysterious shunning and over the lack of grieving after his death, yet this hurt and confusion is sandwiched between some pretty strong judgments you have about your father.
I’m thinking there may be a part of you that is wondering if these judgments you have about your father are entirely YOUR judgments or whether they are really the judgments your mother and sister encouraged you to take up. A Party Line, so to speak. I was the youngest child in a family where certain members of the family had assigned roles, like "the fuckup" or "the golden child" or "the quiet one," and I can confirm that the pressure on a child to adopt the family's judgments about certain things can be intense.
There's a possibility that by the time your dad came back into your life, the verdict was already in and the rest of your family viewed him as irredeemable. Did you also view him as irredeemable that whole time? I ask this because the adjectives you use to describe your father – lazy, defeated, good for nothing -- well, frankly, they are somewhat unusual complaints for a child to have against a parent. Not to put too fine a point on it, but they sound more like the complaints an adult would have about a spouse. I could certainly be wrong about this, since parents can fuck up in a multitude of ways! But usually what a child deeply needs and desires from a parent is stability and emotional availability – not a top-dog financial powerhouse.
I’m not saying your father was actually lovely and fantastic and perfect. Your resentment against your father, and the reasons for it, sound pretty clear. But I think what you might consider is whether or not you also have a resentment against your mother and sister, because it sounds like part of you is wondering if your family never let you love your dad or give him a fair shot.
posted by cubeb at 9:33 AM on March 19, 2023 [11 favorites]
I don't think my dad was particularly mentally stable. Although not Catholic, he married a Catholic girl who did not believe in birth control, the babies started coming, and he ended up with eight children. He always worked, and he always paid the bills, but he did not want all those children. He was very volatile and angry, and it was never clear to us children what would set him off. I was afraid of him. I never had one single conversation with him my entire life. One day, when I was about fourteen years old, some of the family decided to go on a fishing trip. There were too many of us to fit in my mom's station wagon, so my dad was going to drive his pick-up, too. He asked, "Who wants to ride with me?" None of us wanted to, and I went up to my room and cried because I felt sorry for him about that, but I still didn't ride with him - he ended up driving alone. He died when I was thirty-three. At his funeral, I cried and cried. He was so messed up. I just felt so sorry for him. I find solace that now he is finally at peace and is happy where he is (wherever that may be). And, truth be told, I find solace in the fact that he can never hurt me again.
Maybe your dad wasn't terrible. Maybe he was just messed up, i.e., maybe there was some sort of mental instability or mental illness. It isn't uncommon for mental illness to be confused with character flaws such as "defeated, lazy, good-for-nothing." Not all of us are lucky enough to have stable, supportive, nurturing parents. Your dad is at peace now (wherever he is) and he understands why you would feel the way you do, but he forgives you and he hopes you forgive him. Things happen. He wants you to be happy now.
posted by SageTrail at 10:11 AM on March 19, 2023 [7 favorites]
Maybe your dad wasn't terrible. Maybe he was just messed up, i.e., maybe there was some sort of mental instability or mental illness. It isn't uncommon for mental illness to be confused with character flaws such as "defeated, lazy, good-for-nothing." Not all of us are lucky enough to have stable, supportive, nurturing parents. Your dad is at peace now (wherever he is) and he understands why you would feel the way you do, but he forgives you and he hopes you forgive him. Things happen. He wants you to be happy now.
posted by SageTrail at 10:11 AM on March 19, 2023 [7 favorites]
A few years ago I found some letters he wrote to my mother when they just separated. He begged her to get back together and begged her to let him see me. That was the only time I ever knew of him wanting anything or making efforts for me.
Oh my goodness, this made me so sad. For you-- that must have been quite an experience, finding that letter. But to some extent for him as well. I'm not claiming he deserves sympathy just because he made this kind of emotional appeal one time-- inadequate parents tend do that. I do wonder what kind of illness he had. Was it physical, mental, to do with addiction? It's hard to tell how much the rest of the family are blaming him for things that mostly sort of happened to him. But certainly, you get to have your feelings about how this impacted you.
When is the work of grieving done? My father, about whom I was very ambivalent, died 10 years ago and I want to say wryly, "any day now." My siblings and I talk about him sometimes. Being pretty far apart in age, we had very different experiences, so this sometimes gives me insights or information I didn't have before. It's been long enough now that I regard him almost like a character in a book and I like to think I'm a little bit more understanding about things he went through. I feel more or less at peace about him most of the time. At this point, my siblings and I are apt to laugh when we talk about him, which I don't think we ever did for the first few years. Which may be par for the course in this kind of situation. I wish you some level of peace too.
posted by BibiRose at 11:20 AM on March 19, 2023 [3 favorites]
Oh my goodness, this made me so sad. For you-- that must have been quite an experience, finding that letter. But to some extent for him as well. I'm not claiming he deserves sympathy just because he made this kind of emotional appeal one time-- inadequate parents tend do that. I do wonder what kind of illness he had. Was it physical, mental, to do with addiction? It's hard to tell how much the rest of the family are blaming him for things that mostly sort of happened to him. But certainly, you get to have your feelings about how this impacted you.
When is the work of grieving done? My father, about whom I was very ambivalent, died 10 years ago and I want to say wryly, "any day now." My siblings and I talk about him sometimes. Being pretty far apart in age, we had very different experiences, so this sometimes gives me insights or information I didn't have before. It's been long enough now that I regard him almost like a character in a book and I like to think I'm a little bit more understanding about things he went through. I feel more or less at peace about him most of the time. At this point, my siblings and I are apt to laugh when we talk about him, which I don't think we ever did for the first few years. Which may be par for the course in this kind of situation. I wish you some level of peace too.
posted by BibiRose at 11:20 AM on March 19, 2023 [3 favorites]
I don't know if this will work for you or is even possible, but what helped me is extensive research. Get all the stories about him you can. What attracted your mother to him in the first place? What does your sister remember? Find out what his childhood was like, build out what his parents and even their parents were like - look for stories of trauma and mental health but also interests, personality, all of it.
Grieving gets snagged up -- well, for a lot of reasons but also when you have unresolved issues - the "what ifs" and all that. Fleshing out the story of this man might make him both more real to you and more grounded as just a person.
Seeing the ways in which he was not there for any of you and also the ways in which he did his best and you can feel sympathy for him as just a lost person- I guess putting a life in "context?" (But also recognize that there's so much you'll never know.) That helped me a lot.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 11:32 AM on March 19, 2023 [3 favorites]
Grieving gets snagged up -- well, for a lot of reasons but also when you have unresolved issues - the "what ifs" and all that. Fleshing out the story of this man might make him both more real to you and more grounded as just a person.
Seeing the ways in which he was not there for any of you and also the ways in which he did his best and you can feel sympathy for him as just a lost person- I guess putting a life in "context?" (But also recognize that there's so much you'll never know.) That helped me a lot.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 11:32 AM on March 19, 2023 [3 favorites]
There's a lot to untangle here. Recently a good friend and I have had some conversations about how we each have historically blamed a parent or stepparent for something that was maybe someone else's fault (like he blames his dad for his parents' divorce but only recently did he sort of realize that his mom likely contributed to the relationship breakdown, based on how she behaves towards her current husband; similarly, it's been too easy to blame my stepmom for my bad relationship with my dad, when I also realize he didn't do the work in his marriage to have a better relationship with me either).
I am wondering if your family has a story that your father is to blame because your mother's mindset drove this. Is your mother alive? How is your relationship with her? Because I think part of untangling your relationship with your dad is also coming to terms with the story you have about your dad, which seems like it's driven largely by your mother's story about your dad.
So a lot of what you might need to untangle is your mother's culpability. Grieving and forgiving your dad might also include being angry at your mom, and I could see how that could be really scary and threatening when the whole story you grew up with is that she was the good parent and he was the bad one.
A few things I want to help you consider reframing. Look at this...
never bothered to establish a real relationship with me.
He never tried to get to know me.
And then this...
my mother prevented my father from seeing me for several years
He begged her to get back together and begged her to let him see me.
he was sick the whole time I was growing up
And I wonder if it might be painful but ultimately useful to start stating some more feelings and fewer facts. Something like:
I never had a great relationship with my father. My mother prevented him from seeing me for many years, even when he wanted to. I never knew he wanted to. I'm grieving for the loss of a possible relationship with my father, and I'm grieving for the fact that I let my mother turn me against my father. I'm grieving that my father didn't fight harder for me. I'm sad he wasn't strong enough/well enough to be more to me. I'm angry that I believed my mother's lies, and it's complicated for me to realize that what I thought was "true" was a story my mother told me that never let me be close to him. She described him as lazy, and I am really struggling with the fact that I don't really know the truth because my mom's narrative became my own. And I feel guilty for not being kinder to him, even though I was a child who can't be blamed for adult behaviors and how I was manipulated.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:13 PM on March 19, 2023 [15 favorites]
I am wondering if your family has a story that your father is to blame because your mother's mindset drove this. Is your mother alive? How is your relationship with her? Because I think part of untangling your relationship with your dad is also coming to terms with the story you have about your dad, which seems like it's driven largely by your mother's story about your dad.
So a lot of what you might need to untangle is your mother's culpability. Grieving and forgiving your dad might also include being angry at your mom, and I could see how that could be really scary and threatening when the whole story you grew up with is that she was the good parent and he was the bad one.
A few things I want to help you consider reframing. Look at this...
never bothered to establish a real relationship with me.
He never tried to get to know me.
And then this...
my mother prevented my father from seeing me for several years
He begged her to get back together and begged her to let him see me.
he was sick the whole time I was growing up
And I wonder if it might be painful but ultimately useful to start stating some more feelings and fewer facts. Something like:
I never had a great relationship with my father. My mother prevented him from seeing me for many years, even when he wanted to. I never knew he wanted to. I'm grieving for the loss of a possible relationship with my father, and I'm grieving for the fact that I let my mother turn me against my father. I'm grieving that my father didn't fight harder for me. I'm sad he wasn't strong enough/well enough to be more to me. I'm angry that I believed my mother's lies, and it's complicated for me to realize that what I thought was "true" was a story my mother told me that never let me be close to him. She described him as lazy, and I am really struggling with the fact that I don't really know the truth because my mom's narrative became my own. And I feel guilty for not being kinder to him, even though I was a child who can't be blamed for adult behaviors and how I was manipulated.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:13 PM on March 19, 2023 [15 favorites]
"My mother and my sister shunned him for reasons that are unclear to me." This really jumped out to me. I wonder if they're trying to protect you by not sharing a secret? It might be worth finding a quiet time to ask them each individually if there's something they're not sharing about your dad.
posted by equipoise at 7:20 PM on March 20, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by equipoise at 7:20 PM on March 20, 2023 [2 favorites]
The details of my father's estrangement and death are different, but a few months ago, a Facebook friend posted about her own father's death and talked about what she got from him, including him teaching her what kind of treatment to expect from men. This made me realize I still had a large amount of grieving to do around how my life, and the decisions I made in it, were influenced by my father's emotional absence from my life. So, I think that part of how to grieve the death of an alienated parent includes grieving the things in your own life and reparenting the parts of yourself that are the legacy of that alienation. Wishing you peace.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 9:27 AM on March 22, 2023
posted by rabbitrabbit at 9:27 AM on March 22, 2023
What does it feel like when one has done all the grief work for this kind of loss?
- If you have a similar experience, what story do you tell yourself that helps you accept your loss?
- How can I honor his memory in a way that is meaningful while acknowledging that he was not a good father to me?
- I found the literature on parental alienation and disenfranchised grief helpful, I would be interested in hearing recommendations for other topic/ resources/ books/ movies that may be helpful.
Forgive your dad for what he did and didn't do.
Forgive yourself for what you did and didn't do.
Thank yourself for being there for yourself past, present, and future, when your dad couldn't.
Grieve for a short time solely for the loss not of your actual dad but for the dad you never had and the feeling of longing about how great it would have been to have that dad: the one you never had.
Honor that desire: the desire to have that dad you never did.
Congratulate your self for being able to love and grieve and commit to both a person and an idea for 22 whole years and more. You are a good person, there for yourself, past present and future, able to be there and hang on even when it hurts. You did it!: You are not your dad.
Move gently on.
This is what it could possibly feel like.
posted by desert exile at 2:03 PM on March 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
- If you have a similar experience, what story do you tell yourself that helps you accept your loss?
- How can I honor his memory in a way that is meaningful while acknowledging that he was not a good father to me?
- I found the literature on parental alienation and disenfranchised grief helpful, I would be interested in hearing recommendations for other topic/ resources/ books/ movies that may be helpful.
Forgive your dad for what he did and didn't do.
Forgive yourself for what you did and didn't do.
Thank yourself for being there for yourself past, present, and future, when your dad couldn't.
Grieve for a short time solely for the loss not of your actual dad but for the dad you never had and the feeling of longing about how great it would have been to have that dad: the one you never had.
Honor that desire: the desire to have that dad you never did.
Congratulate your self for being able to love and grieve and commit to both a person and an idea for 22 whole years and more. You are a good person, there for yourself, past present and future, able to be there and hang on even when it hurts. You did it!: You are not your dad.
Move gently on.
This is what it could possibly feel like.
posted by desert exile at 2:03 PM on March 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
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posted by haptic_avenger at 7:04 AM on March 19, 2023