What to do about an SO who won't ask about anything?
March 16, 2023 11:15 AM Subscribe
My significant other doesn't ask me about my life beyond the immediate (e.g. how your day was)? My SO cares for me, listens to me, makes time for me, and is there for me when I need emotional support, but she expresses no interest in my family, my friends, my work, my background, my views on issues, etc. etc.
I've talked to her about this and she says she cares about all those things, and just doesn't come from a background where people ask questions. I've given her permission, but feel like I have to pry questions out of her.
Has anybody experienced this? Do you know people like this? Are you like this? Do you think it's possible for people to learn to extend their care?
I've talked to her about this and she says she cares about all those things, and just doesn't come from a background where people ask questions. I've given her permission, but feel like I have to pry questions out of her.
Has anybody experienced this? Do you know people like this? Are you like this? Do you think it's possible for people to learn to extend their care?
I'm pretty bad at asking questions about other people, and I really like getting to know people, so here are a few thoughts from my perspective:
- Are you in very early dating stages? If your communication styles are incompatible and this is something that means a lot to you, it's ok to walk away.
- Have you been together quite a while? Is this new behavior or something that you've been building up resentment about for quite some time?
- Do they have conversations about other things? For instance, if I want to know how someone feels about [political thing] I'm not likely to say "how do you feel about [political thing]" because that feels like a very closed topic to me. On the other hand, saying "hoo boy, that [political thing] has really got me het up!" would be your invitation to share your personal opinions and views on the topic. To me it feels like more of a conversation that way, rather than a game of 20 questions. I realize this is largely semantics, but it's meaningfully different to me for whatever reason.
- Rather than give permission, have you specifically phrased it as "this is important to me, and it would mean a lot to me if you made an effort to ask me questions about myself"?
- Do they openly share about themselves without being asked?
- Do you openly share about yourself without being asked?
posted by phunniemee at 11:24 AM on March 16, 2023 [6 favorites]
- Are you in very early dating stages? If your communication styles are incompatible and this is something that means a lot to you, it's ok to walk away.
- Have you been together quite a while? Is this new behavior or something that you've been building up resentment about for quite some time?
- Do they have conversations about other things? For instance, if I want to know how someone feels about [political thing] I'm not likely to say "how do you feel about [political thing]" because that feels like a very closed topic to me. On the other hand, saying "hoo boy, that [political thing] has really got me het up!" would be your invitation to share your personal opinions and views on the topic. To me it feels like more of a conversation that way, rather than a game of 20 questions. I realize this is largely semantics, but it's meaningfully different to me for whatever reason.
- Rather than give permission, have you specifically phrased it as "this is important to me, and it would mean a lot to me if you made an effort to ask me questions about myself"?
- Do they openly share about themselves without being asked?
- Do you openly share about yourself without being asked?
posted by phunniemee at 11:24 AM on March 16, 2023 [6 favorites]
My significant other doesn't ask me about my life beyond the immediate (e.g. how your day was)?
I have a similar style as your SO--I'm just not a questioner. When I ask my SO "how's your day/week," that is literally the prompt for him to tell me all the things! "How's your week" gives him a space to tell me about some bullshit at work, his friend who's pregnant, what's up with the dog's vet appointment...whatever is top of mind for him. Is there some reason you can't just talk about whatever you are interested in talking about when she gives you a broad prompt?
she expresses no interest in my family, my friends, my work, my background, my views on issues, etc. etc.
I'm not even sure what the thing you're asking for would LOOK like, honestly. Just like, constant comprehensive grilling on everything? What do YOU ask your SO?
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:26 AM on March 16, 2023 [11 favorites]
I have a similar style as your SO--I'm just not a questioner. When I ask my SO "how's your day/week," that is literally the prompt for him to tell me all the things! "How's your week" gives him a space to tell me about some bullshit at work, his friend who's pregnant, what's up with the dog's vet appointment...whatever is top of mind for him. Is there some reason you can't just talk about whatever you are interested in talking about when she gives you a broad prompt?
she expresses no interest in my family, my friends, my work, my background, my views on issues, etc. etc.
I'm not even sure what the thing you're asking for would LOOK like, honestly. Just like, constant comprehensive grilling on everything? What do YOU ask your SO?
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:26 AM on March 16, 2023 [11 favorites]
It may just not occur to the person. I know if someone asks me stuff, I may get distracted answering about my stuff and then forget to ask about theirs.
But he doesn't ask so...I just - tell him.
I think I agree with this, under the circumstances. If it doesn't occur to her to ask but she says she's interested, just say what you want to say, see if she engages in conversation or just goes "uh-huh uh-huh" a lot.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:33 AM on March 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
But he doesn't ask so...I just - tell him.
I think I agree with this, under the circumstances. If it doesn't occur to her to ask but she says she's interested, just say what you want to say, see if she engages in conversation or just goes "uh-huh uh-huh" a lot.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:33 AM on March 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
So let's say you're walking down the street together, and you point out something and say, "Wow, that totally reminds me of a friend/experience/moment I had a few years ago."
Do you feel like she shows interest and gives you room to tell the story?
If yes, do that more often.
posted by dum spiro spero at 11:46 AM on March 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
Do you feel like she shows interest and gives you room to tell the story?
If yes, do that more often.
posted by dum spiro spero at 11:46 AM on March 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
Telling is definitely one approach, and part of the toolkit for managing differing expectations here. But if telling is 100% the SO listening, and the SO never has follow up questions or expresses curiosity about the things you do tell them, that is imo more odd and I think most people would find pretty frustrating. Attention and curiosity is one of the ways we show care and zero curiosity does feel extreme, to me. If that's what's going on.
I do think this is one of those things that's pretty core to attachment and relationship, and I'm not sure how successful trying to change either of you will be. To me it would be like being with a partner who doesn't see the value of touch; a dealbreaker.
posted by wemayfreeze at 11:47 AM on March 16, 2023 [9 favorites]
I do think this is one of those things that's pretty core to attachment and relationship, and I'm not sure how successful trying to change either of you will be. To me it would be like being with a partner who doesn't see the value of touch; a dealbreaker.
posted by wemayfreeze at 11:47 AM on March 16, 2023 [9 favorites]
Also if I've misinterpreted your question -- if the concern is that she only knows about your week and not, like, your life...to me, that sounds like y'all maybe just aren't spending a lot of time together yet? When people are compatible, a lot of that knowledge and information and interest just comes about kind of organically as your lives get more involved.
I never sat my SO down and said WHAT DID YOU GET FOR CHRISTMAS WHEN YOU WERE SIX? HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT ABORTIONS? WHAT WAS YOUR MOM'S MIDDLE NAME? but I know all of these things about him, because it just came up naturally as we did things like, say, plan our holidays, watch the news, or dig through some old pictures. Or because something on TV reminded him of his brother so he told me a story about that.
Now that said, he's a storyteller by nature, and I'm not so bad a questioner that I wouldn't point at an old family photo and say "ok who's that? she looks like you!" If spontaneous sharing is uncomfortable for you, and spontaneous questioning is uncomfortable/unnatural for her, then you just might not be compatible.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:54 AM on March 16, 2023 [7 favorites]
I never sat my SO down and said WHAT DID YOU GET FOR CHRISTMAS WHEN YOU WERE SIX? HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT ABORTIONS? WHAT WAS YOUR MOM'S MIDDLE NAME? but I know all of these things about him, because it just came up naturally as we did things like, say, plan our holidays, watch the news, or dig through some old pictures. Or because something on TV reminded him of his brother so he told me a story about that.
Now that said, he's a storyteller by nature, and I'm not so bad a questioner that I wouldn't point at an old family photo and say "ok who's that? she looks like you!" If spontaneous sharing is uncomfortable for you, and spontaneous questioning is uncomfortable/unnatural for her, then you just might not be compatible.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:54 AM on March 16, 2023 [7 favorites]
I've given her permission, but feel like I have to pry questions out of her.
Huh. I can honestly say I've never heard someone complain of having to pry questions out of someone... as opposed to answers.
You feel unhappy because you have to force her... to ask you... to tell her things?
Why not just tell her the things?
People are all different. There's nothing objectively wrong with her being the way she is. I'm sure some people would consider it a positive.
I once dated someone who constantly asked me questions about myself, and at times it could be really tiresome and borderline annoying.
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 11:55 AM on March 16, 2023 [14 favorites]
Huh. I can honestly say I've never heard someone complain of having to pry questions out of someone... as opposed to answers.
You feel unhappy because you have to force her... to ask you... to tell her things?
Why not just tell her the things?
People are all different. There's nothing objectively wrong with her being the way she is. I'm sure some people would consider it a positive.
I once dated someone who constantly asked me questions about myself, and at times it could be really tiresome and borderline annoying.
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 11:55 AM on March 16, 2023 [14 favorites]
Is the problem here that the SO talks about herself and her interests endlessly, expecting you to show interest, but never really reciprocating the attention?
Because that's a fairly strong signal of a serious relationship imbalance. If this is the case -- it's not clear from your post -- I'd name the pattern to her and ask why this is and whether she can change it, as it's causing you to feel unheard and not valued.
posted by humbug at 12:08 PM on March 16, 2023
Because that's a fairly strong signal of a serious relationship imbalance. If this is the case -- it's not clear from your post -- I'd name the pattern to her and ask why this is and whether she can change it, as it's causing you to feel unheard and not valued.
posted by humbug at 12:08 PM on March 16, 2023
she says she cares about all those things, and just doesn't come from a background where people ask questions.
Do you have reason to believe she doesn't mean this? Because if we're taking her at face value, then it really is a thing that in some cultures people are raised to not ask very specific or detailed questions due to those being taken as nosey, demanding, or intrusive.
This has some broad correlations with the Guess/Ask cultural divide that MeFi talks a lot about; the reluctance to ask such detailed questions is more aligned with Guess culture, which prioritizes not putting anyone in the position of having to say "no" to a request or question. Applied to your case, this would mean that your SO may end up feeling like she's done something nosey/demanding/intrusive if she were to ask you a question that you turn out not to want to answer for whatever reason. Have you had any conversations with her about her concerns re: asking you any questions? And I mean conversations strictly as attempts to better understand her, rather than to convince her to change this habit of hers.
If the other suggestions to just go ahead and tell her about these things doesn't feel satisfying as a solution, then I'd think about what is so important about her asking the questions when you seem to have other experiences of her caring for/about you. Perhaps there's some legitimately intense emotional investment in the act of asking as a token of being cared for/about; perhaps there are other aspects of your relationship where you don't feel cared for and that's getting displaced onto this issue; or maybe both of these apply, and/or something else altogether (you didn't provide much background, which is fine--that's why I'm getting speculative though).
FWIW, I'm very much on the Ask side of the divide so like you I tend to take having questions asked to/about me as a sign of interest and caring, rather than being nosey or demanding (and this applies to all sorts of relationships for me). People who are not this way can adapt themselves to meet you halfway, but they may first need to understand how important this is to you. And once they understand and decide to make the attempt, they may need some active help (e.g. modeling) with actually taking the leap into action; don't underestimate the influence of cultural dictates and norms that have been with someone since before they could speak! The most important thing is that the other person, your SO in this case, has to really "get" what this is about for you and be onboard with this, and that is honestly as much up to her as it is to anything you could say or do.
posted by obliterati at 12:38 PM on March 16, 2023 [7 favorites]
Do you have reason to believe she doesn't mean this? Because if we're taking her at face value, then it really is a thing that in some cultures people are raised to not ask very specific or detailed questions due to those being taken as nosey, demanding, or intrusive.
This has some broad correlations with the Guess/Ask cultural divide that MeFi talks a lot about; the reluctance to ask such detailed questions is more aligned with Guess culture, which prioritizes not putting anyone in the position of having to say "no" to a request or question. Applied to your case, this would mean that your SO may end up feeling like she's done something nosey/demanding/intrusive if she were to ask you a question that you turn out not to want to answer for whatever reason. Have you had any conversations with her about her concerns re: asking you any questions? And I mean conversations strictly as attempts to better understand her, rather than to convince her to change this habit of hers.
If the other suggestions to just go ahead and tell her about these things doesn't feel satisfying as a solution, then I'd think about what is so important about her asking the questions when you seem to have other experiences of her caring for/about you. Perhaps there's some legitimately intense emotional investment in the act of asking as a token of being cared for/about; perhaps there are other aspects of your relationship where you don't feel cared for and that's getting displaced onto this issue; or maybe both of these apply, and/or something else altogether (you didn't provide much background, which is fine--that's why I'm getting speculative though).
FWIW, I'm very much on the Ask side of the divide so like you I tend to take having questions asked to/about me as a sign of interest and caring, rather than being nosey or demanding (and this applies to all sorts of relationships for me). People who are not this way can adapt themselves to meet you halfway, but they may first need to understand how important this is to you. And once they understand and decide to make the attempt, they may need some active help (e.g. modeling) with actually taking the leap into action; don't underestimate the influence of cultural dictates and norms that have been with someone since before they could speak! The most important thing is that the other person, your SO in this case, has to really "get" what this is about for you and be onboard with this, and that is honestly as much up to her as it is to anything you could say or do.
posted by obliterati at 12:38 PM on March 16, 2023 [7 favorites]
I think if you can, you have to try to separate out the behavior from the feeling. You’re not trying to get her to “extend her care” - she already cares. You’re trying to get her to do you the favor of expressing her care in a specific way that makes you feel loved. Have you expressly done that? Not just asked her about her style of interaction, or given her permission to ask questions, but expressly *asked* her to do so because it helps you to feel loved and connected? Very possibly so but if you haven’t, try it exactly that explicitly. Maybe even model expressly, “Here is a place where I would love it if you jumped in with a question like XYZ because I’m starting to feel like I’m monologuing at you” as appropriate.
I’m probably quite a bit like her. I mostly don’t question people about their lives unless they’ve given me the information to do so - it can feel rude and pushy. I assume people tell me what they want to tell me and keep private what they want to keep private. But I *do* love to follow up and ask someone how that thing went that they told me about last week, or how their mom is doing if they told me she was ill, or whatever. If that’s something she doesn’t do, and you would like her to, that might be a lower stakes thing she would be willing to try.
But also - yes, maybe you can listen to what she DOES say and learn to interpret some of it as “making space for you to tell her about what you want to tell her about, without specifically questioning you.” That may (or may not!) be a way she is reaching out to you already that you’re not interpreting for what it is.
posted by Stacey at 1:01 PM on March 16, 2023 [4 favorites]
I’m probably quite a bit like her. I mostly don’t question people about their lives unless they’ve given me the information to do so - it can feel rude and pushy. I assume people tell me what they want to tell me and keep private what they want to keep private. But I *do* love to follow up and ask someone how that thing went that they told me about last week, or how their mom is doing if they told me she was ill, or whatever. If that’s something she doesn’t do, and you would like her to, that might be a lower stakes thing she would be willing to try.
But also - yes, maybe you can listen to what she DOES say and learn to interpret some of it as “making space for you to tell her about what you want to tell her about, without specifically questioning you.” That may (or may not!) be a way she is reaching out to you already that you’re not interpreting for what it is.
posted by Stacey at 1:01 PM on March 16, 2023 [4 favorites]
Whoa, I'm sort of shocked at the tone of some of the answers here. OP, I think your concern and question are valid and worth your consideration.
You are identifying something you want in your relationship - more curiosity from your partner. That's a totally legitimate thing to want in a relationship; my partner asks me to be more curious and interested sometimes, and I can accommodate that so I try to do so.
But that's likely what it comes down to: if this is very important to you, use phunniemee's great prompt: "this is important to me, and it would mean a lot to me if you made an effort to ask me questions about myself"?
If she can't do that - for whatever reason, disinterest, discomfort, etc. - then maybe you need to think about your long term compatibility. (And look, no one is beholden to behave in the predominant manner in which they understand their "culture", so unless there is a here-to-for unknown "culture" out there that believes its wrong to ask questions of loved ones, this doesn't feel like a sufficient answer.)
posted by RajahKing at 1:08 PM on March 16, 2023 [16 favorites]
You are identifying something you want in your relationship - more curiosity from your partner. That's a totally legitimate thing to want in a relationship; my partner asks me to be more curious and interested sometimes, and I can accommodate that so I try to do so.
But that's likely what it comes down to: if this is very important to you, use phunniemee's great prompt: "this is important to me, and it would mean a lot to me if you made an effort to ask me questions about myself"?
If she can't do that - for whatever reason, disinterest, discomfort, etc. - then maybe you need to think about your long term compatibility. (And look, no one is beholden to behave in the predominant manner in which they understand their "culture", so unless there is a here-to-for unknown "culture" out there that believes its wrong to ask questions of loved ones, this doesn't feel like a sufficient answer.)
posted by RajahKing at 1:08 PM on March 16, 2023 [16 favorites]
I've talked to her about this and she says she cares about all those things, and just doesn't come from a background where people ask questions. I've given her permission, but feel like I have to pry questions out of her.
Okay, so this is a request you've made of your SO, and she is struggling with it. But I do think there's room for compromise from both of you, so it's not all on her. We can't expect our partners to do all the changing. So, first, I really encourage you to do some reframing. She says she does care (and it sounds like you believe her or want to?) but isn't comfortable asking these questions -- so I'd suggest you first stop saying you want her to "extend her care." That's your perspective on it. Her perspective on it might be, "My partner wants me to ask weird and intrusive questions that make me feel pushy." So I'd nudge you to start with thinking of this as, "My partner cares about my life but struggles to ask questions in a way that makes me feel cared for." This way, you can focus on changing some of your behavior and reactions, and she can work on changing some of this too.
And I think all this should be part of a bigger conversation about communication differences. And, here are some ideas of how you could help her beyond the reframing:
Write a list of questions you'd like to be asked and give them to her.
Get some notecards and write a question on each and put them all in a box, and ask her to draw one out when you would like this behavior from her.
You could also say to her, "Hey, I just got off the phone with my mom. It would feel great to me if you could ask how she's doing."
You could also do something like 36 questions that lead to love, or other relationship question games.
Also, do you and your partner ever talk about love languages? Is it possible she doesn't realize how big of a deal this is to you? I wonder if you could say, "My love language is you asking me questions." And also, make sure you know hers.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:22 PM on March 16, 2023 [4 favorites]
Okay, so this is a request you've made of your SO, and she is struggling with it. But I do think there's room for compromise from both of you, so it's not all on her. We can't expect our partners to do all the changing. So, first, I really encourage you to do some reframing. She says she does care (and it sounds like you believe her or want to?) but isn't comfortable asking these questions -- so I'd suggest you first stop saying you want her to "extend her care." That's your perspective on it. Her perspective on it might be, "My partner wants me to ask weird and intrusive questions that make me feel pushy." So I'd nudge you to start with thinking of this as, "My partner cares about my life but struggles to ask questions in a way that makes me feel cared for." This way, you can focus on changing some of your behavior and reactions, and she can work on changing some of this too.
And I think all this should be part of a bigger conversation about communication differences. And, here are some ideas of how you could help her beyond the reframing:
Write a list of questions you'd like to be asked and give them to her.
Get some notecards and write a question on each and put them all in a box, and ask her to draw one out when you would like this behavior from her.
You could also say to her, "Hey, I just got off the phone with my mom. It would feel great to me if you could ask how she's doing."
You could also do something like 36 questions that lead to love, or other relationship question games.
Also, do you and your partner ever talk about love languages? Is it possible she doesn't realize how big of a deal this is to you? I wonder if you could say, "My love language is you asking me questions." And also, make sure you know hers.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:22 PM on March 16, 2023 [4 favorites]
she says she cares about all those things, and just doesn't come from a background where people ask questions
Just tell her the stuff you want to tell her! This is 100% just a cultural difference; in some cultures asking those questions is hella rude, and it's super hard to shake off a lifetime of that kind of conditioning!
feel like I have to pry questions out of her
If you know what question you want her to ask, just pretend that she has asked it and go ahead and answer it!
posted by heatherlogan at 1:42 PM on March 16, 2023 [12 favorites]
Just tell her the stuff you want to tell her! This is 100% just a cultural difference; in some cultures asking those questions is hella rude, and it's super hard to shake off a lifetime of that kind of conditioning!
feel like I have to pry questions out of her
If you know what question you want her to ask, just pretend that she has asked it and go ahead and answer it!
posted by heatherlogan at 1:42 PM on March 16, 2023 [12 favorites]
Hey, I don't think you're wrong to want this!
A few weeks ago my husband was telling me a story about drawing out a security guard at his work who turned out to have the same rather unusual name as my husband and in the course of the story he said "I asked him a few questions out of my book of questions"
Me: "what book of questions!?"
We've been married 29 years and I don't know about any book of questions and I certainly feel like he could stand to ask ME more questions.
The next time we were out to lunch together there was a slight pause in the flow of conversation and I said "ask me a question from your book of questions!" he smiled and said he didn't have it and I smiled and said "so ask me a question!" so he thought for a minute and asked how I would go about choosing to kill someone to eat in a stranded in the Andes or Rockies or other snowy mountainous scenario and I said I wouldn't murder anyone, and that soccer team in the Andes didn't murder anyone either, plenty of people died in the plane crash, they ate people who were dead already, though I think maybe in the Donner pass somebody did get murdered, how would he choose, and he said whoever everybody didn't like and I said I thought maybe that had happened in the Donner pass, you'd think I'd remember what with all the podcasts I listen to.
My point being, you can just demand to be asked a question, I did! (but it might get weird).
posted by Jenny'sCricket at 2:31 PM on March 16, 2023 [8 favorites]
A few weeks ago my husband was telling me a story about drawing out a security guard at his work who turned out to have the same rather unusual name as my husband and in the course of the story he said "I asked him a few questions out of my book of questions"
Me: "what book of questions!?"
We've been married 29 years and I don't know about any book of questions and I certainly feel like he could stand to ask ME more questions.
The next time we were out to lunch together there was a slight pause in the flow of conversation and I said "ask me a question from your book of questions!" he smiled and said he didn't have it and I smiled and said "so ask me a question!" so he thought for a minute and asked how I would go about choosing to kill someone to eat in a stranded in the Andes or Rockies or other snowy mountainous scenario and I said I wouldn't murder anyone, and that soccer team in the Andes didn't murder anyone either, plenty of people died in the plane crash, they ate people who were dead already, though I think maybe in the Donner pass somebody did get murdered, how would he choose, and he said whoever everybody didn't like and I said I thought maybe that had happened in the Donner pass, you'd think I'd remember what with all the podcasts I listen to.
My point being, you can just demand to be asked a question, I did! (but it might get weird).
posted by Jenny'sCricket at 2:31 PM on March 16, 2023 [8 favorites]
Has anybody experienced this? Do you know people like this?
Yes, I dated someone like this. It was fine for a while but I dumped him eventually because I felt emotionally unsatisfied, talking at him more than conversing with him. He might have been capable of change, but he didn't want to and ultimately, I didn't want him to either.
posted by sm1tten at 4:57 PM on March 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
Yes, I dated someone like this. It was fine for a while but I dumped him eventually because I felt emotionally unsatisfied, talking at him more than conversing with him. He might have been capable of change, but he didn't want to and ultimately, I didn't want him to either.
posted by sm1tten at 4:57 PM on March 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: OP here. Thanks everybody for sharing your perspectives.
To clarify a bit: it's not so much that I am waiting to tell my SO things because I want to be asked (I follow the advice of many responders here and just tell her). It's more that she doesn't express interest in my life after I tell her. I talk to her about my life, my work, my family, my friends, my dreams, etc. and there's no follow-up or re-engagement with the topic from her side.
For instance, she recently expressed intent to return to school (something she's been talking about for a while). Since she said that, I've followed up a few times during our conversations with questions: how is the decision sitting with her? Does she need any help? What is she looking forward to? What worries her? Just giving her a chance to talk about it with me and use me as a sounding board.
When I've expressed similar intents, such as deciding to launch a big and risky project at work, there's never any follow-up. My sense is that unless I bring it up again, it just immediately falls off her radar.
She and I are just starting to talk about this more, so I'm trying to collect perspectives to help me understand where she might be coming from.
I suppose, based on some of the answers here, that one perspective is that she might expect me simply to tell her how the big project is going, and she'll be interested to hear when I'm telling her. Not asking isn't a sign of not caring, it's just a sign of waiting for me to bring it up again.
To me, I interpret not asking as not caring. In my mind, if you care about somebody, you also care a little about what they care about, and want them to know you care. Otherwise the message they would receive is, "Fine, I'll listen to you right now, but honestly I have my own shit to think about, so don't expect for me to devote any mental energy to this outside this conversation."
For me, lots of great conversations start with a phrase like, "Hey I was thinking about that thing you said the other day..." or "I had an idea for that problem you told me about..." or "Could you clarify what you meant when you said..."
With her, there's just zero engagement, which feels... strange.
posted by MyBeautifulThrowaway at 6:05 PM on March 16, 2023 [9 favorites]
To clarify a bit: it's not so much that I am waiting to tell my SO things because I want to be asked (I follow the advice of many responders here and just tell her). It's more that she doesn't express interest in my life after I tell her. I talk to her about my life, my work, my family, my friends, my dreams, etc. and there's no follow-up or re-engagement with the topic from her side.
For instance, she recently expressed intent to return to school (something she's been talking about for a while). Since she said that, I've followed up a few times during our conversations with questions: how is the decision sitting with her? Does she need any help? What is she looking forward to? What worries her? Just giving her a chance to talk about it with me and use me as a sounding board.
When I've expressed similar intents, such as deciding to launch a big and risky project at work, there's never any follow-up. My sense is that unless I bring it up again, it just immediately falls off her radar.
She and I are just starting to talk about this more, so I'm trying to collect perspectives to help me understand where she might be coming from.
I suppose, based on some of the answers here, that one perspective is that she might expect me simply to tell her how the big project is going, and she'll be interested to hear when I'm telling her. Not asking isn't a sign of not caring, it's just a sign of waiting for me to bring it up again.
To me, I interpret not asking as not caring. In my mind, if you care about somebody, you also care a little about what they care about, and want them to know you care. Otherwise the message they would receive is, "Fine, I'll listen to you right now, but honestly I have my own shit to think about, so don't expect for me to devote any mental energy to this outside this conversation."
For me, lots of great conversations start with a phrase like, "Hey I was thinking about that thing you said the other day..." or "I had an idea for that problem you told me about..." or "Could you clarify what you meant when you said..."
With her, there's just zero engagement, which feels... strange.
posted by MyBeautifulThrowaway at 6:05 PM on March 16, 2023 [9 favorites]
Just giving her a chance to talk about it with me and use me as a sounding board.
Does she take you up on this? Like, doe she value the following up and use it to elaborate on her feelings, or is it more perfunctory?
In my example, I would do this and it was the same sort of engagement in reverse -- he would answer, he'd be engaged in the moment, but it felt like it would never come up again unless I brought it up. He truly did not seem to care if I cared to follow up. I think it's a bit different if she values engaging on her terms/stuff, but doesn't reciprocate.
posted by sm1tten at 7:51 PM on March 16, 2023
Does she take you up on this? Like, doe she value the following up and use it to elaborate on her feelings, or is it more perfunctory?
In my example, I would do this and it was the same sort of engagement in reverse -- he would answer, he'd be engaged in the moment, but it felt like it would never come up again unless I brought it up. He truly did not seem to care if I cared to follow up. I think it's a bit different if she values engaging on her terms/stuff, but doesn't reciprocate.
posted by sm1tten at 7:51 PM on March 16, 2023
I was raised by one parent who was extremely inquisitive, and another who was prone to give a lot of unsolicited advice, much of it negative. This has caused me to swing in the other direction: out of respect for other people's autonomy and boundaries, I don't probe, and I don't ask those kinds of followup questions that lead to advice. My basic stance is that if they want to talk about it, I am here for that, but it's not for me to pry. I have had to push myself to "seem interested" sometimes. I am interested, it's just hard for me not to feel nosy.
Your partner probably has a different back story and motivation, but the point I'm making is that she may feel she is behaving the right way from her perspective.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 9:27 PM on March 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
Your partner probably has a different back story and motivation, but the point I'm making is that she may feel she is behaving the right way from her perspective.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 9:27 PM on March 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
Just another perspective, but this:
For instance, she recently expressed intent to return to school (something she's been talking about for a while). Since she said that, I've followed up a few times during our conversations with questions: how is the decision sitting with her? Does she need any help? What is she looking forward to? What worries her? Just giving her a chance to talk about it with me and use me as a sounding board.
Just reading this really stressed me out! These are big questions that you have to be in the right state of mind to discuss, and I would want my partner to wait for me to bring it up first (even as a follow up conversation) rather than be asked about it.
posted by Toddles at 9:33 PM on March 16, 2023 [6 favorites]
For instance, she recently expressed intent to return to school (something she's been talking about for a while). Since she said that, I've followed up a few times during our conversations with questions: how is the decision sitting with her? Does she need any help? What is she looking forward to? What worries her? Just giving her a chance to talk about it with me and use me as a sounding board.
Just reading this really stressed me out! These are big questions that you have to be in the right state of mind to discuss, and I would want my partner to wait for me to bring it up first (even as a follow up conversation) rather than be asked about it.
posted by Toddles at 9:33 PM on March 16, 2023 [6 favorites]
I would find it quite difficult to answer the questions in your example in any way that facilitates conversation- which is what you seem to want to initiate. That’s because I’m not somebody who makes decisions via discussing the topic. In your examples, most of the things you’d like to be asked about are not things that would require mutual decision making or an ongoing dialogue as a couple. Her returning to school might depending on how your life is structured or it might not.
When you tell her things, does that at least take the form of a conversation? Is she engaged and paying attention at those times? Does she remember a previous conversation on a topic when you bring it up again? Is she just not revisiting topics you have mentioned herself?
Not engaging at all would be very weird. Not revisiting something when it is not something that requires ongoing dialogue may simply not be something she considers important for herself. So explain it is important for you and explain what would happen in an ideal world and see if she’s interested in meeting your needs here a bit.
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:08 PM on March 16, 2023
When you tell her things, does that at least take the form of a conversation? Is she engaged and paying attention at those times? Does she remember a previous conversation on a topic when you bring it up again? Is she just not revisiting topics you have mentioned herself?
Not engaging at all would be very weird. Not revisiting something when it is not something that requires ongoing dialogue may simply not be something she considers important for herself. So explain it is important for you and explain what would happen in an ideal world and see if she’s interested in meeting your needs here a bit.
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:08 PM on March 16, 2023
So just tell her things. Why does she need to interrogate you to get a conversation? Just tell her things!
posted by Jacqueline at 11:16 PM on March 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Jacqueline at 11:16 PM on March 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
I feel like you are kind of describing me, haha. My boyfriend asks me a lot of probing questions because he is genuinely interested but also as his way of showing he cares. I'm not much of a verbal processor, or really get anything out of talking about what's going on in my life (separate from him like work and my family etc.) but I do understand it's important to him so I go along with it (mostly). I do feel like I am being cross-examined sometimes, or studied like some exotic animal, but that is as much about me as it is about him; our inner children are slowly figuring out how to relax around each other. We talk all the time, about all sorts of silly and important and random things. I know his heart. I just don't necessarily know the minutiae of his life.
Because of the way I personally react to this stuff, I do forget to return serve occasionally. If he brings up a topic and it's clear it is something that he is keen to talk about, I am 100% there to engage and will ask follow-up questions because I'm interested. But I am just not good at asking stuff unprompted. It just... doesn't occur to me? But also, the lad talks A LOT, so if I ask a question I gotta be prepared for a monologue about the topic. He also repeats a lot of stuff, so following up on something may just yield me the same monologue I got three days ago, you know? All good, it's just one of his quirks, but life is a bit tough right now and my mental energy is fairly low. Right now my memory is garbage, so I forget about stuff he brings up sometimes (again, the dude says so many things, I can't retain them all).
If he asked me to ask more questions unprompted, I would absolutely try. We had a similar discussion about compliments recently (complimenting out loud doesn't come naturally to me, and I hate receiving them) so now I try to hype him up a bit more. It still is a work in progress because it's unnatural behaviour for me, but I am working on it. However, depending on what exactly is going on here, you might just have to accept this is how she communicates. I am biased, of course, but I think what is most telling is how she acts once you've bought up something that is clearly important to you. People show they care in lots of different ways. If this is really crucial to you, that's valid, but maybe try to see the other ways she is showing care for you before making it a huge thing.
posted by BeeJiddy at 1:15 AM on March 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
Because of the way I personally react to this stuff, I do forget to return serve occasionally. If he brings up a topic and it's clear it is something that he is keen to talk about, I am 100% there to engage and will ask follow-up questions because I'm interested. But I am just not good at asking stuff unprompted. It just... doesn't occur to me? But also, the lad talks A LOT, so if I ask a question I gotta be prepared for a monologue about the topic. He also repeats a lot of stuff, so following up on something may just yield me the same monologue I got three days ago, you know? All good, it's just one of his quirks, but life is a bit tough right now and my mental energy is fairly low. Right now my memory is garbage, so I forget about stuff he brings up sometimes (again, the dude says so many things, I can't retain them all).
If he asked me to ask more questions unprompted, I would absolutely try. We had a similar discussion about compliments recently (complimenting out loud doesn't come naturally to me, and I hate receiving them) so now I try to hype him up a bit more. It still is a work in progress because it's unnatural behaviour for me, but I am working on it. However, depending on what exactly is going on here, you might just have to accept this is how she communicates. I am biased, of course, but I think what is most telling is how she acts once you've bought up something that is clearly important to you. People show they care in lots of different ways. If this is really crucial to you, that's valid, but maybe try to see the other ways she is showing care for you before making it a huge thing.
posted by BeeJiddy at 1:15 AM on March 17, 2023 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I'm having trouble reconciling this
My SO cares for me, listens to me, makes time for me, and is there for me when I need emotional support
with this
To me, I interpret not asking as not caring. In my mind, if you care about somebody, you also care a little about what they care about, and want them to know you care. Otherwise the message they would receive is, "Fine, I'll listen to you right now, but honestly I have my own shit to think about, so don't expect for me to devote any mental energy to this outside this conversation."
I think if you don't feel the first then the second makes sense. And that may well be the case. And I agree that you definitely can ask her to meet you halfway.
But just to share a few more details - I'm a verbal processor and my husband is very not. He's both introverted and his family culture wasn't one of like, chatting at the table - quite the opposite. He is still with me in so many ways. He is amazing at just sitting together, being calm with my kids about their homework, and so on. When he says 'how was your day?' that's a genuine invitation.
I was thinking about your question last night and one of the memories I have of being the closest to my husband was the spring after our daughter died. We were on a 4 hour drive, still kind of shell-shocked, and our lives had come apart in weird ways. We had a silence in the car that grew and grew, and it wasn't that comfortable. Then a rainbow appeared over the road in front of us and he reached over and held my hand and we kept driving silently. If we had been chatting, or asking questions, I don't think that moment would have happened the same way.
The - ethos? - of that moment was much more him than me. It is one of the most peaceful moments of my life.
Despite being married for over 25 years, I have a hard time remembering a time that he's come up to me to initiate a conversation About My Life. I don't have the feelings you do about not-asking-not-caring. That's because there are so many ways to care for someone.
I hope this is expressing what I'm trying to express. It's basically - are you missing a tapestry of closeness over this one thing? Your feelings are an important signal about your needs. But I am not sure that the equation you're drawing is accurate for many kinds of people.
Of course, it may indeed be essential to you and that is okay too. If you truly don't feel cared for (I didn't take your first question that way because of the quote I put above), that is a really important conversation to keep having, and you may not be compatible.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:48 AM on March 17, 2023 [3 favorites]
My SO cares for me, listens to me, makes time for me, and is there for me when I need emotional support
with this
To me, I interpret not asking as not caring. In my mind, if you care about somebody, you also care a little about what they care about, and want them to know you care. Otherwise the message they would receive is, "Fine, I'll listen to you right now, but honestly I have my own shit to think about, so don't expect for me to devote any mental energy to this outside this conversation."
I think if you don't feel the first then the second makes sense. And that may well be the case. And I agree that you definitely can ask her to meet you halfway.
But just to share a few more details - I'm a verbal processor and my husband is very not. He's both introverted and his family culture wasn't one of like, chatting at the table - quite the opposite. He is still with me in so many ways. He is amazing at just sitting together, being calm with my kids about their homework, and so on. When he says 'how was your day?' that's a genuine invitation.
I was thinking about your question last night and one of the memories I have of being the closest to my husband was the spring after our daughter died. We were on a 4 hour drive, still kind of shell-shocked, and our lives had come apart in weird ways. We had a silence in the car that grew and grew, and it wasn't that comfortable. Then a rainbow appeared over the road in front of us and he reached over and held my hand and we kept driving silently. If we had been chatting, or asking questions, I don't think that moment would have happened the same way.
The - ethos? - of that moment was much more him than me. It is one of the most peaceful moments of my life.
Despite being married for over 25 years, I have a hard time remembering a time that he's come up to me to initiate a conversation About My Life. I don't have the feelings you do about not-asking-not-caring. That's because there are so many ways to care for someone.
I hope this is expressing what I'm trying to express. It's basically - are you missing a tapestry of closeness over this one thing? Your feelings are an important signal about your needs. But I am not sure that the equation you're drawing is accurate for many kinds of people.
Of course, it may indeed be essential to you and that is okay too. If you truly don't feel cared for (I didn't take your first question that way because of the quote I put above), that is a really important conversation to keep having, and you may not be compatible.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:48 AM on March 17, 2023 [3 favorites]
I have sympathy for the OP. I tend to ask a lot of questions, especially of people who are close to me (of course, I back off if they don't want to talk about it). I expect people to reciprocate. To me, asking questions is a sign that they care about me and want to know what's going on in my life.
I had a girlfriend in college who was quite talkative and also didn't mind answering questions. By the end of our first week of dating, I knew her life's story forwards and backwards. She barely knew anything about me, beyond really superficial stuff. I found her lack of curiosity hurtful. We didn't date long.
Another example: I recently attended a wedding, where I spoke with a nephew who was in graduate school. I hadn't seen him in a while, and I asked him about his research. He was only too happy to describe it and even drew some diagrams on a napkin. He also told me about his plans for the summer and about his new fiancée. During our conversation, he didn't express any interest in what was happening in my life. I didn't volunteer any information, because I figured I didn't want to bore him. We talked for about 30 minutes. I must say that I felt a bit slighted.
posted by alex1965 at 12:29 PM on March 18, 2023
I had a girlfriend in college who was quite talkative and also didn't mind answering questions. By the end of our first week of dating, I knew her life's story forwards and backwards. She barely knew anything about me, beyond really superficial stuff. I found her lack of curiosity hurtful. We didn't date long.
Another example: I recently attended a wedding, where I spoke with a nephew who was in graduate school. I hadn't seen him in a while, and I asked him about his research. He was only too happy to describe it and even drew some diagrams on a napkin. He also told me about his plans for the summer and about his new fiancée. During our conversation, he didn't express any interest in what was happening in my life. I didn't volunteer any information, because I figured I didn't want to bore him. We talked for about 30 minutes. I must say that I felt a bit slighted.
posted by alex1965 at 12:29 PM on March 18, 2023
It's more that she doesn't express interest in my life after I tell her.
OP I think I understand this completely and it’s painful. I told my sister in a couple different texts that I was really lonely. She responded with a vague, “aw, I’m so sorry” message but never made any effort to text me a “hey, how are you,” “are you having a good day,” “hello!”
Maybe you’re like me and expect that someone who claims to care about you should be more engaged and sympathetic to you. This is rough because it’s your partner. I’ve been learning that other people’s level of closeness, friendship, communication will probably never be the same as you hope and that you have to accept them for who they are.
Personally, my sister’s definition of friendship doesn’t meet mine and we’re not currently friends. You need to find your own limits.
posted by bendy at 9:08 PM on March 18, 2023
OP I think I understand this completely and it’s painful. I told my sister in a couple different texts that I was really lonely. She responded with a vague, “aw, I’m so sorry” message but never made any effort to text me a “hey, how are you,” “are you having a good day,” “hello!”
Maybe you’re like me and expect that someone who claims to care about you should be more engaged and sympathetic to you. This is rough because it’s your partner. I’ve been learning that other people’s level of closeness, friendship, communication will probably never be the same as you hope and that you have to accept them for who they are.
Personally, my sister’s definition of friendship doesn’t meet mine and we’re not currently friends. You need to find your own limits.
posted by bendy at 9:08 PM on March 18, 2023
I am also very firmly in the camp that believes that this is a very big deal and the OP is right to question the dynamic of a relationship in which one's significant other does not initiate any curiosity whatsoever in one's life. This is very much equivalent to a situation where one's partner never initiates touch of any kind or never initiates any kind of joint future planning or domestic or household care. Especially when it had been discussed, and there is no behavior change, it indicates a pretty significant lack of interest in or ability to engage in the basic building blocks of a romantic/life/domestic partnership.
A partner that never initiates touch, future planning, or domestic or household care, despite that being a foundational building block of the partnership, isn't just engaging in a "style" of being. They are withholding. People have all kinds of differences socially, culturally, economically, sexually, and conversationally. That doesn't mean one partner is excused from the basics when the basics are important.
I would not be able to share a life with a partner who never initiated any kind of conversation about me or asked me a question about me or anything in my life. And why would I want to do that? Conversational "style" has nothing to do with the basic function of a conversation between human beings who care about each other.
I think this is indeed a big deal.
posted by desert exile at 1:54 PM on March 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
A partner that never initiates touch, future planning, or domestic or household care, despite that being a foundational building block of the partnership, isn't just engaging in a "style" of being. They are withholding. People have all kinds of differences socially, culturally, economically, sexually, and conversationally. That doesn't mean one partner is excused from the basics when the basics are important.
I would not be able to share a life with a partner who never initiated any kind of conversation about me or asked me a question about me or anything in my life. And why would I want to do that? Conversational "style" has nothing to do with the basic function of a conversation between human beings who care about each other.
I think this is indeed a big deal.
posted by desert exile at 1:54 PM on March 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: @warriorqueen
Thank you for your post. I am very sorry to hear about your daughter. That is a lovely story about the moment with your husband; it inspired me to try and find some value in my girlfriend's quiet ways as well.
To others who posted after my followup-- thank you all for your thoughts. I really appreciate the diversity of opinions: those of the "wtf, just talk to her!" variety as well as those of the "I am with you, this would really bother me" variety. It helps to know that I'm not alone in being bothered by this, and also that other people aren't as bothered.
posted by MyBeautifulThrowaway at 12:30 PM on March 29, 2023 [1 favorite]
Thank you for your post. I am very sorry to hear about your daughter. That is a lovely story about the moment with your husband; it inspired me to try and find some value in my girlfriend's quiet ways as well.
To others who posted after my followup-- thank you all for your thoughts. I really appreciate the diversity of opinions: those of the "wtf, just talk to her!" variety as well as those of the "I am with you, this would really bother me" variety. It helps to know that I'm not alone in being bothered by this, and also that other people aren't as bothered.
posted by MyBeautifulThrowaway at 12:30 PM on March 29, 2023 [1 favorite]
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He does care a lot. He remembers what I tell him. He has had my back in a lot of situations, not just like 'tell your mum this' but also by remembering patterns like "is this the same guy at work that sent you that inappropriate email?"
But he doesn't ask so...I just - tell him.
Is there a reason you don't? Like, is there a reason your expectation is that she change her conversational style as opposed to you changing yours?
posted by warriorqueen at 11:21 AM on March 16, 2023 [39 favorites]