A happy problem but a problem nonetheless
March 16, 2023 6:31 AM Subscribe
I (F, mid-thirties) recently got engaged to a wonderful guy I've known for some time. This comes on the back of many, many sad and ugly heartbreaks, a very difficult year full of challenges on both personal and professional fronts. We're excited to be making plans for our life together.
Now for the problem.
I am distracted all the time. We live in different cities right now, so communication is via texting/regular videocalls and scheduled meetups. I am basically the idiot constantly looking at her phone and smiling, which, yay, but the rest of the world hasn't stopped and I have a lot of stuff to get through at any given moment!
Stuff that needs managing and I'm having a hard time staying on top of include organizing and managing my elderly parent's terminal (but for now, well-controlled) illness, my own health stuff, very high workload as a de-facto team lead that has lost its best workers in the last year to lateral transfers and is now struggling (it's not my responsibility alone, but I'm a longtime team member and so far my new reporting head has apparently decided that every single decision within the team has to be run past me. Though that's not in my job description at all and is in fact very much their remit - can bosses be codependent? Is that a thing? I don't even know how to bring this up), organizing a giant, very important work event in some weeks (again, shouldn't be my responsibility alone but somehow feels like it), some upcoming long awaited travel plans, and general life admin. Not to mention planning the actual wedding.
I can't sit and smile at the phone like an idiot. I don't have the time. But this happiness has come after so long, and after dealing alone with so very many bad things, that I'm loath to tamp it down. All the same, I need to start being less distracted and figure out a way to, uh, contain it. Work-wise and parent-care-wise especially, I need to stay on top of deadlines/treatment plans in some way or another. How do I be a little bit more focused? I am not looking for ways to deal with workplace authority -for now, I'll settle for just managing my own time better, please.
Many thanks!
I am distracted all the time. We live in different cities right now, so communication is via texting/regular videocalls and scheduled meetups. I am basically the idiot constantly looking at her phone and smiling, which, yay, but the rest of the world hasn't stopped and I have a lot of stuff to get through at any given moment!
Stuff that needs managing and I'm having a hard time staying on top of include organizing and managing my elderly parent's terminal (but for now, well-controlled) illness, my own health stuff, very high workload as a de-facto team lead that has lost its best workers in the last year to lateral transfers and is now struggling (it's not my responsibility alone, but I'm a longtime team member and so far my new reporting head has apparently decided that every single decision within the team has to be run past me. Though that's not in my job description at all and is in fact very much their remit - can bosses be codependent? Is that a thing? I don't even know how to bring this up), organizing a giant, very important work event in some weeks (again, shouldn't be my responsibility alone but somehow feels like it), some upcoming long awaited travel plans, and general life admin. Not to mention planning the actual wedding.
I can't sit and smile at the phone like an idiot. I don't have the time. But this happiness has come after so long, and after dealing alone with so very many bad things, that I'm loath to tamp it down. All the same, I need to start being less distracted and figure out a way to, uh, contain it. Work-wise and parent-care-wise especially, I need to stay on top of deadlines/treatment plans in some way or another. How do I be a little bit more focused? I am not looking for ways to deal with workplace authority -for now, I'll settle for just managing my own time better, please.
Many thanks!
I'm not entirely clear what the problem is exactly - to clarify, are you looking more for help not being distracted when you are with your fiancé, or are you trying to stay more organized in general? If it's the former - I would simply put your phone away when you're with him. But I have a feeling you're asking about the latter - and it sounds like videocalls and meetups are causing some of your distraction.
You say that you have some regularly scheduled videocalls and meetups. Maybe if you set up a couple of "do not disturb" periods during the day every day, in which your fiancé agrees to leave you alone for a couple hours so that you can focus on all the other stuff? Or you can enforce such a "do not disturb" period for yourself by putting your phone away or turning the alert noise off, so you only get the message when you're done doing whatever Complicated Thing you have to work on.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:01 AM on March 16, 2023
You say that you have some regularly scheduled videocalls and meetups. Maybe if you set up a couple of "do not disturb" periods during the day every day, in which your fiancé agrees to leave you alone for a couple hours so that you can focus on all the other stuff? Or you can enforce such a "do not disturb" period for yourself by putting your phone away or turning the alert noise off, so you only get the message when you're done doing whatever Complicated Thing you have to work on.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:01 AM on March 16, 2023
Response by poster: Very much the latter. The fiancé isn't the problem - I'm happily distracted even when the texting is asynchronous.
Usually my lack of focus is due to anxiety or sadness or some other negative emotion, so this is throwing me for a loop.
posted by Nieshka at 7:22 AM on March 16, 2023
Usually my lack of focus is due to anxiety or sadness or some other negative emotion, so this is throwing me for a loop.
posted by Nieshka at 7:22 AM on March 16, 2023
I think you both have to agree to give each other space to work. You can make it into a little game if you want. It will make it that much sweeter when you get to your every-three-hours texting time and finally get to look at your phone.
posted by derrinyet at 7:33 AM on March 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by derrinyet at 7:33 AM on March 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
How recently is recently? If this is a couple of weeks, BE HAPPY!
If it's been a month already, then still be happy, just give yourself a productivity countdown. Tell yourself okay, I'm going to enjoy this for 60 seconds (look at phone / watch / clock to note time) and then I will go back to cold hard adulthood. And then do it. I suspect that by convincing yourself that squee-time is not good for you, it's taking up more mental space beating yourself up about it than the time you spend actually doing it. I don't think you're going to actually miss deadlines; clearly you're a responsible person or you wouldn't be worried about missing them.
You don't know me, but if you need someone else's permission to enjoy the good parts of life - here's mine. You just got engaged and you're in love and you have something to be joyful about in the middle of what sounds like some serious sucky times. Embrace it.
And if you're the journaling type, maybe even spend some of your nonproductive time writing down the good stuff, to look at later when things are normal again and you might need reminding.
posted by Mchelly at 7:35 AM on March 16, 2023 [4 favorites]
If it's been a month already, then still be happy, just give yourself a productivity countdown. Tell yourself okay, I'm going to enjoy this for 60 seconds (look at phone / watch / clock to note time) and then I will go back to cold hard adulthood. And then do it. I suspect that by convincing yourself that squee-time is not good for you, it's taking up more mental space beating yourself up about it than the time you spend actually doing it. I don't think you're going to actually miss deadlines; clearly you're a responsible person or you wouldn't be worried about missing them.
You don't know me, but if you need someone else's permission to enjoy the good parts of life - here's mine. You just got engaged and you're in love and you have something to be joyful about in the middle of what sounds like some serious sucky times. Embrace it.
And if you're the journaling type, maybe even spend some of your nonproductive time writing down the good stuff, to look at later when things are normal again and you might need reminding.
posted by Mchelly at 7:35 AM on March 16, 2023 [4 favorites]
Here's an idea, since you're already OK with ansynchronous communication: set an alarm for every 3-4 hours. ONLY look at your phone for communications when the alarm goes off, and only for 15 minutes. Just like taking a coffee break but for happiness (I know, I know for some of us coffee _is_ happiness, but... ). Then get back to life's "work". It would help if you have work communications through your computer rather than using your phone for that.
posted by TimHare at 8:48 AM on March 16, 2023
posted by TimHare at 8:48 AM on March 16, 2023
Something like time blocking might help, since if I'm reading your context correctly, you don't necessarily need to be super-reactive to things in your life right now as much as you need planning and execution time. If you have a reasonable degree of control over your schedule, specifying chunks of time to dedicate to your various commitments might help stay on task. Definitely build in time for yourself, either in short regular breaks, or longer stretches, to daydream and focus on having all the happy feelings. Congratulations on your engagement and absolutely honor your desire to savor all the joy you're feeling right now!
posted by EvaDestruction at 11:22 AM on March 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by EvaDestruction at 11:22 AM on March 16, 2023 [1 favorite]
It sounds to me like containing is the key word, here, to accomplish what you want.
I strongly recommend giving in and honoring the smiley feelings every time they come up - just honor the rest of your life by shifting back to task mode once you've taken a moment to actually fully feel happy.
However busy you are with all the many demands on your time, I feel certain you can take a full minute - or even two - when those happy feelings come up to just let yourself feel happy.
So, if it were me, it would go something like:
work work work work
sudden happy feeling out of nowhere
* take a breath *
* close my eyes or look at a picture of fiancé or look out the window at greenery if you have it *
* pause like this for the length of 1 deep breath, or 3 deep breaths *
* breathe out *
get back to work work work
If you need actual chunks of time when you seriously don't think you can even pause for a breath, then make time to focus heavily on tasks, but ALSO make time to let yourself enjoy this:
* for the next 45 minutes, do Work Tasks
* right after that, spend 10 minutes on parents' care arrangements
* right after that, take 15 minutes to breathe and feel wonderful
Also, you could try picturing your happiness as something tangible - a plant, or a little wrapped wedding gift, or a blank book waiting for you to write your future - and imagine that thing (or even actually get a plant or a book and place that thing) on your desk, or in your pocket. Then, when you go back to all your work and tasks, keep remembering that your happiness is right there with you, on your desk, in your pocket, with you all the time as you do all the other things you're doing.
One of the many things you MUST do, every day, is care for your own mental and emotional health. Letting yourself fully feel the happiness you're feeling is an important part of that. Maybe having all the happy feelings collide with the work tasks isn't great for your work life OR your inner life, but I think your reluctance to tamp down your good feelings is wise.
I think seeking balance, and maybe a little separation of those aspects of your life, would be a good approach.
Congratulations on finding your wonderful guy and building a new life together!
posted by kristi at 3:42 PM on March 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
I strongly recommend giving in and honoring the smiley feelings every time they come up - just honor the rest of your life by shifting back to task mode once you've taken a moment to actually fully feel happy.
However busy you are with all the many demands on your time, I feel certain you can take a full minute - or even two - when those happy feelings come up to just let yourself feel happy.
So, if it were me, it would go something like:
work work work work
sudden happy feeling out of nowhere
* take a breath *
* close my eyes or look at a picture of fiancé or look out the window at greenery if you have it *
* pause like this for the length of 1 deep breath, or 3 deep breaths *
* breathe out *
get back to work work work
If you need actual chunks of time when you seriously don't think you can even pause for a breath, then make time to focus heavily on tasks, but ALSO make time to let yourself enjoy this:
* for the next 45 minutes, do Work Tasks
* right after that, spend 10 minutes on parents' care arrangements
* right after that, take 15 minutes to breathe and feel wonderful
Also, you could try picturing your happiness as something tangible - a plant, or a little wrapped wedding gift, or a blank book waiting for you to write your future - and imagine that thing (or even actually get a plant or a book and place that thing) on your desk, or in your pocket. Then, when you go back to all your work and tasks, keep remembering that your happiness is right there with you, on your desk, in your pocket, with you all the time as you do all the other things you're doing.
One of the many things you MUST do, every day, is care for your own mental and emotional health. Letting yourself fully feel the happiness you're feeling is an important part of that. Maybe having all the happy feelings collide with the work tasks isn't great for your work life OR your inner life, but I think your reluctance to tamp down your good feelings is wise.
I think seeking balance, and maybe a little separation of those aspects of your life, would be a good approach.
Congratulations on finding your wonderful guy and building a new life together!
posted by kristi at 3:42 PM on March 16, 2023 [2 favorites]
Hire someone to deal with the wedding planning. You can still "art-direct" it, but you don't need email back and forths about renting port-a-potties or venues or licenses or whatever. Outsource that.
posted by Miko at 9:44 PM on March 16, 2023
posted by Miko at 9:44 PM on March 16, 2023
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Break down the big tasks to small ones that are easy to follow and in the aggregate add up to goal accomplished. It gives you something to focus on and to get the sense of accomplishment when you check off an item.
There comes a point in most everyone's life whereby they can no longer do it all by memory or "later". They need to track all the items in their lives. They need a map so to speak.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:00 AM on March 16, 2023 [4 favorites]