Having a newborn and managing my relationship – advice sought
March 12, 2023 11:54 AM Subscribe
It's both simple and complicated. About 2 and a half years ago, my younger boyfriend told me he wasn't ready to have a baby. The only way I finally managed to get pregnant at age 41 was through embryos with donor sperm that I created when I was 39. My boyfriend and I haven't split up, though, and I need advice on how to navigate our relationship once I've given birth.
I had 3 rounds of IVF to get pregnant, the final round with my boyfriend, which failed, and in the end I had to use an embyro I created with donor sperm. I'm due to give birth in 2 months and will be moving in with my parents for the first 2-3 months. My boyfriend and I ended up not splitting up, though; 2.5 years later, we're basically still partners and he hugely regrets his initial decision. It's very sad for both of us.
I don't know if he's ready yet to be a father of a baby born with a sperm donor – he is only 35 so has plenty of time to decide if he wants to be a genetic parent (with someone else); and he isn't sure yet what he wants. We've decided that he's going to be one of the godfathers. I'm fine with this – a lot of people think it's easy just to give up having a genetic child, but I understand he's not ready to do that yet and am not pushing him to commit to me to that degree – so please no comments like 'he should step up and be the father'. It's *fine* on that level and such comments would be unhelpful.
What I'd like specific help with, please, is practical suggestions: how can I best manage it when I'm living a 30-min drive away from him for 3 months after I deliver? Whilst yes, I will be HIGHLY, obviously (!) distracted, I'm also used to seeing him every day and sharing my daily life with him (he currently lives round the corner from me, I should add); he's my best friend and no.1 person – and I want to find a way to include him so that he doesn't feel shut out and I don't feel as though I'm pushing him away. I have a car and am v happy to drive; how practical is it to get out and about with a newborn?!
It would also be great to hear any other suggestions to make him feel included and bond with the baby in what's clearly a rather nuanced situation. Thanks for all thoughts in advance.
I had 3 rounds of IVF to get pregnant, the final round with my boyfriend, which failed, and in the end I had to use an embyro I created with donor sperm. I'm due to give birth in 2 months and will be moving in with my parents for the first 2-3 months. My boyfriend and I ended up not splitting up, though; 2.5 years later, we're basically still partners and he hugely regrets his initial decision. It's very sad for both of us.
I don't know if he's ready yet to be a father of a baby born with a sperm donor – he is only 35 so has plenty of time to decide if he wants to be a genetic parent (with someone else); and he isn't sure yet what he wants. We've decided that he's going to be one of the godfathers. I'm fine with this – a lot of people think it's easy just to give up having a genetic child, but I understand he's not ready to do that yet and am not pushing him to commit to me to that degree – so please no comments like 'he should step up and be the father'. It's *fine* on that level and such comments would be unhelpful.
What I'd like specific help with, please, is practical suggestions: how can I best manage it when I'm living a 30-min drive away from him for 3 months after I deliver? Whilst yes, I will be HIGHLY, obviously (!) distracted, I'm also used to seeing him every day and sharing my daily life with him (he currently lives round the corner from me, I should add); he's my best friend and no.1 person – and I want to find a way to include him so that he doesn't feel shut out and I don't feel as though I'm pushing him away. I have a car and am v happy to drive; how practical is it to get out and about with a newborn?!
It would also be great to hear any other suggestions to make him feel included and bond with the baby in what's clearly a rather nuanced situation. Thanks for all thoughts in advance.
It's unfortunately not that practical to drive with a newborn. The car seat stuff is onerous if you're tired, and depending on your disposition, anxiety-generating if you're the only adult in the car. If the baby starts screaming while you drive, all you can do is try to calm them down with sounds and continue to drive.
If you can, ask him to come over for meals or snacks or TV watching or whatever you normally do. When he's over invite him to hold the baby. Bonding with a baby is a very tactile thing.
posted by ignignokt at 12:04 PM on March 12, 2023 [7 favorites]
If you can, ask him to come over for meals or snacks or TV watching or whatever you normally do. When he's over invite him to hold the baby. Bonding with a baby is a very tactile thing.
posted by ignignokt at 12:04 PM on March 12, 2023 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I wonder if it would help to frame it as what sort of contact and support you would like/expect from someone who was your platonic best friend/baby’s godparent? I feel like this is going to be the primary shape of your relationship for a while at least, and that’s kind of what you’ve got if he doesn’t (immediately?) want a parental relationship with the baby. I don’t know if it’s the case that you’d continue to live separately regardless or whether you see him moving in with you and the kid should he decide to commit that way, and whether he’d continue to be your best friend should he decide to have a kid with someone else - it makes it much more complicated to plan, if all of that is still up in the air. For now I think it’s on him to come to you as much as possible and find ways to support you, like you would for your best friend who just had a baby who you were godparent to.
posted by corvine at 12:20 PM on March 12, 2023 [17 favorites]
posted by corvine at 12:20 PM on March 12, 2023 [17 favorites]
Best answer: I have a car and am v happy to drive; how practical is it to get out and about with a newborn?!
With the caveat that this is my experience, not some proclamation...it's not very practical if you're doing it on your own, especially the first few weeks.
Feeding is a lot, and feeding and burping a baby and then getting them to sleep for the short window between the next wet diaper or wave of hunger makes it pretty hard to do all the things that a car trip with a newborn alone entails -- plus you have to eat, wash, use the bathroom, and sleep, too. Adding 30 minutes each way for a short visit makes the rest vs. life calculation really difficult. Sleep deprivation and driving is a combination to be careful of. Being the only adult in the car or at the side of the road is hard and with a floppy newborn it's even harder. Having a newborn is living life in short chunks of time. It doesn't last forever.
The first week too, you may not be that comfortable in a driving-sitting position, depending on how the birth went.
I would definitely look for a ritual for him to come over, like dinner on Thursday and brunch on Sunday or something. And FaceTime/Skype/etc. are really great.
posted by warriorqueen at 12:27 PM on March 12, 2023 [20 favorites]
With the caveat that this is my experience, not some proclamation...it's not very practical if you're doing it on your own, especially the first few weeks.
Feeding is a lot, and feeding and burping a baby and then getting them to sleep for the short window between the next wet diaper or wave of hunger makes it pretty hard to do all the things that a car trip with a newborn alone entails -- plus you have to eat, wash, use the bathroom, and sleep, too. Adding 30 minutes each way for a short visit makes the rest vs. life calculation really difficult. Sleep deprivation and driving is a combination to be careful of. Being the only adult in the car or at the side of the road is hard and with a floppy newborn it's even harder. Having a newborn is living life in short chunks of time. It doesn't last forever.
The first week too, you may not be that comfortable in a driving-sitting position, depending on how the birth went.
I would definitely look for a ritual for him to come over, like dinner on Thursday and brunch on Sunday or something. And FaceTime/Skype/etc. are really great.
posted by warriorqueen at 12:27 PM on March 12, 2023 [20 favorites]
A lot will depend on your particular newborn and your particular recovery from giving birth, but in general friends with newborns have not been able to plan on regularly getting out and about with the baby. Maybe you'll luck out here, but probably best to plan on him needing to come to you, and figuring out how that happens - if he doesn't drive or have a car, maybe he can look at transit, budgeting for taxis, or renting a car for a few months. (Transit or taxis, of course, bringing a certain amount of indirect-contact-with-strangers into your not-yet-covid-vaccinated baby's life that you may or may not be comfortable with.) If that's not feasible, maybe you can plan on regular video calls. It's okay to make some of this your partner's problem to solve, honestly. He wants to be part of yours and the baby's life in some capacity, this is what your life will look like for the next few months, he can come up with some suggestions on how he can fit into that.
posted by Stacey at 12:29 PM on March 12, 2023 [9 favorites]
posted by Stacey at 12:29 PM on March 12, 2023 [9 favorites]
Also I think the polyamorous community might have good resources for you here. Someone’s got to have written about how it works when you have a baby and there are non-parental partners in the mix, from both sides.
posted by corvine at 12:29 PM on March 12, 2023 [7 favorites]
posted by corvine at 12:29 PM on March 12, 2023 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks all so far, this is great and hugely appreciated! He's got his driving test booked and will hopefully get a car by the time I give birth, so he could certainly drive to my parents' house.
posted by Ella_Bella at 12:34 PM on March 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by Ella_Bella at 12:34 PM on March 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
Some newborns are pretty chill and sleep a lot and don't mind the car. Mine hated the car with a passion and never slept more than 45 minutes at a stretch. You can't guess which kind you're going to end up with.
This seems like it might be a natural time for you to deescalate your relationship with this partner. I understand why it's hard; I've stayed with people a lot longer than I should have because I loved them and because I knew the post-breakup period would be really hard. But once I ripped off the band-aid, it opened up my life to much better things.
Consider focusing your relationship on the people who are making it clear they 100% want to share your life: your parents, close friends, new parent friends you can meet in childbirth and postpartum classes, etc. Building up your life with a supportive community will make it so much better.
posted by metasarah at 12:52 PM on March 12, 2023 [15 favorites]
This seems like it might be a natural time for you to deescalate your relationship with this partner. I understand why it's hard; I've stayed with people a lot longer than I should have because I loved them and because I knew the post-breakup period would be really hard. But once I ripped off the band-aid, it opened up my life to much better things.
Consider focusing your relationship on the people who are making it clear they 100% want to share your life: your parents, close friends, new parent friends you can meet in childbirth and postpartum classes, etc. Building up your life with a supportive community will make it so much better.
posted by metasarah at 12:52 PM on March 12, 2023 [15 favorites]
It is not your responsibility at any time - much less when recovering from childbirth and beginning the epic work of rearing a human being - to clear a path for someone who has shown you in multiple ways that he doesn't want to be on that path. He is an adult. Tell him what you need from him, then let it go and rest/bond with your baby. He will either show up for you or he won't.
posted by headnsouth at 12:55 PM on March 12, 2023 [61 favorites]
posted by headnsouth at 12:55 PM on March 12, 2023 [61 favorites]
Response by poster: A kind reminder to commentators to please refrain from judging my relationship with the person I have written about, and indeed also refrain from commenting on his fitness as someone who should be in my life.
Yes, you can read my previous questions if you must and build an opinion, but in the kindest way possible, I don't wish to hear it. I have NOT come here seeking opinions. I wish I could remove the question now, but alas, that's not possible here.
I have asked specifically for practical advice as to how to manage this, and if you can't stick to that, please – with the very best will in the world – do try to manage refraining from commenting at all.
posted by Ella_Bella at 1:06 PM on March 12, 2023 [7 favorites]
Yes, you can read my previous questions if you must and build an opinion, but in the kindest way possible, I don't wish to hear it. I have NOT come here seeking opinions. I wish I could remove the question now, but alas, that's not possible here.
I have asked specifically for practical advice as to how to manage this, and if you can't stick to that, please – with the very best will in the world – do try to manage refraining from commenting at all.
posted by Ella_Bella at 1:06 PM on March 12, 2023 [7 favorites]
You can absolutely ask the mods to remove your question. Try the contact form.
posted by Vatnesine at 1:09 PM on March 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Vatnesine at 1:09 PM on March 12, 2023 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you, @Vatnesine. Have asked.
posted by Ella_Bella at 1:13 PM on March 12, 2023
posted by Ella_Bella at 1:13 PM on March 12, 2023
Best answer: Having a newborn was the most bewildering and intense period of my life, both physically and emotionally. Here are some things that surprised me about early postpartum. You may know or expect these already though it’s difficult to truly articulate how destabilizing the actual experience of having a newborn is. But if you aren’t aware or haven’t considered these, it might help you evaluate the practicality of your current hopes or expectations for how you’ll manage your relationship with your boyfriend during early postpartum.
- even if you have a medically uncomplicated delivery, you’ll be physically wrecked for at least a couple of weeks. You may have a vaginal tear that will make sitting for long periods uncomfortable. If you have a c section, your recovery could be complex, walking will be difficult, you won’t be cleared to lift heavy things like your baby in their car seat, and you might also not be cleared to drive for several weeks
- you’ll be bleeding heavily, like the heaviest period of your life, for at least a few weeks if not a month or longer. You’ll probably be in adult diapers for the first few weeks
- you will be in the most emotionally vulnerable state maybe of your whole life. A few days after birth, you’ll experience a massive hormone shift that, for many people, leads to extreme sadness and crying. You won’t really feel like yourself. For most, these intense emotions pass after your hormones regulate, but for others they linger and turn into post partial anxiety or depression
- feeding a newborn is extraordinarily difficult. If you choose to try to breastfeed, it will basically be your full time job for the first few months of your baby’s life. You’ll need to feed on demand in order to establish and support your milk supply, so you’ll need to be prepared to be available to breastfeed as soon as your baby is showing hunger cues. Anecdotally, most mothers who breastfeed (including me) have an extremely difficult time getting started with it. It’s maybe the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. You’ll likely have issues with latching, positioning, you might need to pump to support your supply. You’ll also likely be dealing with engorgement, leaking, clogged milk ducts, chapped or painful nipples. The beautiful and serene idea of jusy whipping your breast out and effortlessly nursing your baby won’t happen for at least a few months. I can’t speak to the difficulty of formula feeding but I do know it’s more logistically challenging because you have to bring a bunch of actual stuff with you. Newborns eat about every 1-3 hours and do a thing called cluster feeding in the early days which basically means they’ll take a full feed and then be ready for another one right away
- newborn sleep is the Wild West. They need a lot of sleep, and many newborns don’t easily sleep in a crib or bassinet, they need to be held to sleep. It is not safe to let a newborn sleep in a car seat for a long period of time - they are at a high risk for positional asphyxiation in a car seat which means your baby dies but looks like they’re sleeping. If you drive somewhere and your baby falls asleep, you have to take them out of the car seat when you arrive at your destination (which will probably wake them up). You can’t just take the car seat out of the car and let them continue to sleep in it. You will also be the most sleep deprived you’ve ever been, and it may not be safe for you to be driving for long periods
All this to say, I can’t imagine any new mother, especially one who is not emotionally/physically supported by a partner, really giving a shit about prioritizing and catering to a boyfriend’s needs in the ways you’ve described during early postpartum. Your priorities will shift basically immediately when your baby is born, you’ll feel an almost primal urge to prioritize their needs, and in the meantime you’ll also need to figure out a way to satisfy your own basic needs for food and sleep. The intensity of early postpartum is temporary, but there’s a reason people talk about the fourth trimester, since it’s around 3ish months postpartum that a lot of folks start to feel a bit more like themselves. I’ll echo others in this thread and advise considering downshifting your relationship with your boyfriend at least for the first few months of your baby’s life while you get your footing as a parent.
posted by rodneyaug at 1:13 PM on March 12, 2023 [80 favorites]
- even if you have a medically uncomplicated delivery, you’ll be physically wrecked for at least a couple of weeks. You may have a vaginal tear that will make sitting for long periods uncomfortable. If you have a c section, your recovery could be complex, walking will be difficult, you won’t be cleared to lift heavy things like your baby in their car seat, and you might also not be cleared to drive for several weeks
- you’ll be bleeding heavily, like the heaviest period of your life, for at least a few weeks if not a month or longer. You’ll probably be in adult diapers for the first few weeks
- you will be in the most emotionally vulnerable state maybe of your whole life. A few days after birth, you’ll experience a massive hormone shift that, for many people, leads to extreme sadness and crying. You won’t really feel like yourself. For most, these intense emotions pass after your hormones regulate, but for others they linger and turn into post partial anxiety or depression
- feeding a newborn is extraordinarily difficult. If you choose to try to breastfeed, it will basically be your full time job for the first few months of your baby’s life. You’ll need to feed on demand in order to establish and support your milk supply, so you’ll need to be prepared to be available to breastfeed as soon as your baby is showing hunger cues. Anecdotally, most mothers who breastfeed (including me) have an extremely difficult time getting started with it. It’s maybe the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. You’ll likely have issues with latching, positioning, you might need to pump to support your supply. You’ll also likely be dealing with engorgement, leaking, clogged milk ducts, chapped or painful nipples. The beautiful and serene idea of jusy whipping your breast out and effortlessly nursing your baby won’t happen for at least a few months. I can’t speak to the difficulty of formula feeding but I do know it’s more logistically challenging because you have to bring a bunch of actual stuff with you. Newborns eat about every 1-3 hours and do a thing called cluster feeding in the early days which basically means they’ll take a full feed and then be ready for another one right away
- newborn sleep is the Wild West. They need a lot of sleep, and many newborns don’t easily sleep in a crib or bassinet, they need to be held to sleep. It is not safe to let a newborn sleep in a car seat for a long period of time - they are at a high risk for positional asphyxiation in a car seat which means your baby dies but looks like they’re sleeping. If you drive somewhere and your baby falls asleep, you have to take them out of the car seat when you arrive at your destination (which will probably wake them up). You can’t just take the car seat out of the car and let them continue to sleep in it. You will also be the most sleep deprived you’ve ever been, and it may not be safe for you to be driving for long periods
All this to say, I can’t imagine any new mother, especially one who is not emotionally/physically supported by a partner, really giving a shit about prioritizing and catering to a boyfriend’s needs in the ways you’ve described during early postpartum. Your priorities will shift basically immediately when your baby is born, you’ll feel an almost primal urge to prioritize their needs, and in the meantime you’ll also need to figure out a way to satisfy your own basic needs for food and sleep. The intensity of early postpartum is temporary, but there’s a reason people talk about the fourth trimester, since it’s around 3ish months postpartum that a lot of folks start to feel a bit more like themselves. I’ll echo others in this thread and advise considering downshifting your relationship with your boyfriend at least for the first few months of your baby’s life while you get your footing as a parent.
posted by rodneyaug at 1:13 PM on March 12, 2023 [80 favorites]
Best answer: As other people have said, it will depend on what your baby will be like, sleep patterns and all that.
For me, back when my kid was a baby and sleeping reasonably well, what I most craved after a while was news of the small things in the world that I didn't have the time end energy to experience: does the coffee shop have a new fancy beverage? Oh, the gym is doing renovations this month? And so on. I feel that your partner could bring you those small news, visit you often, and be involved by being your gateway to the world while your own world is mostly turned towards your baby.
posted by CompanionCube at 1:19 PM on March 12, 2023 [7 favorites]
For me, back when my kid was a baby and sleeping reasonably well, what I most craved after a while was news of the small things in the world that I didn't have the time end energy to experience: does the coffee shop have a new fancy beverage? Oh, the gym is doing renovations this month? And so on. I feel that your partner could bring you those small news, visit you often, and be involved by being your gateway to the world while your own world is mostly turned towards your baby.
posted by CompanionCube at 1:19 PM on March 12, 2023 [7 favorites]
Agreed that the first few weeks will be visitors coming to you, and going out will be gentle walks with the baby in the fabric carrier or stroller. Once mine came to be 3-4 months old, I could manage to regularly take the baby out for several hours, doing feeds and diaper changes in the car backseat, and timing the naps for the drives from one place to another. It would be helpful to have a Pack-n-play type of napping crib and a set of supplies at your BF's house for when you visit. I would go see my mom once a week or so and hers was the only place I could stay longer than the baby's awake window because she actually had a place I could set the baby down to sleep.
posted by xo at 1:40 PM on March 12, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by xo at 1:40 PM on March 12, 2023 [5 favorites]
One of the most profound things that people in my social circle did for me when I was a new mom was to show up with food. Casseroles and soup for the freezer, cut up veggies and fruit and cheese and salami for the fridge. I fed the baby, my partner fed himself and me, and the community made that easy. This seems like a way that your person could get involved.
posted by eirias at 1:41 PM on March 12, 2023 [13 favorites]
posted by eirias at 1:41 PM on March 12, 2023 [13 favorites]
Best answer: OK, since you haven't removed the question, I will tell about my own similar but different experience.
When I met my boyfriend, I was recently divorced and my ex was harassing me in every way possible within the law (he did have a restraining order). I'm mentioning this, because I think it was a factor when I became pregnant. My boyfriend developed a serious depression. We did actually get the relevant help from the hospital, but he was too far gone and didn't show up for the therapy half the time. Even without the external factors, I don't think my boyfriend felt ready to be a dad at the time.
When our baby was born, he was in a crazy state. I don't really want to list all the insane things he did, but imagine the worst and then some. He did drugs, lost his job and his apartment and moved into a squatter community with an addict girlfriend.
The thing is, I kept on seeing him once a week. We went for a walk with the baby and that was sort of it. When his family came to visit we would spend time with them, so they could see the baby. It was insanely hard, but I have never regretted the effort, because today our kid has a whole family.
We haven't gotten back together. Sometimes he wants to get back together and I am not there, and sometimes it's the opposite. But we are the best of friends, we holiday together, and we help each other in many ways. Our now adult daughter has two parents who support her.
I don't know if it will be the same with a donor. Maybe? it depends on the relationships all around. For us, the important thing was his family's support and engagement. Specially for his dad, our baby was the best thing that ever happened, but all of his family were very engaged. It would probably have been the same with a donor, but I can't say for sure.
posted by mumimor at 1:50 PM on March 12, 2023 [6 favorites]
When I met my boyfriend, I was recently divorced and my ex was harassing me in every way possible within the law (he did have a restraining order). I'm mentioning this, because I think it was a factor when I became pregnant. My boyfriend developed a serious depression. We did actually get the relevant help from the hospital, but he was too far gone and didn't show up for the therapy half the time. Even without the external factors, I don't think my boyfriend felt ready to be a dad at the time.
When our baby was born, he was in a crazy state. I don't really want to list all the insane things he did, but imagine the worst and then some. He did drugs, lost his job and his apartment and moved into a squatter community with an addict girlfriend.
The thing is, I kept on seeing him once a week. We went for a walk with the baby and that was sort of it. When his family came to visit we would spend time with them, so they could see the baby. It was insanely hard, but I have never regretted the effort, because today our kid has a whole family.
We haven't gotten back together. Sometimes he wants to get back together and I am not there, and sometimes it's the opposite. But we are the best of friends, we holiday together, and we help each other in many ways. Our now adult daughter has two parents who support her.
I don't know if it will be the same with a donor. Maybe? it depends on the relationships all around. For us, the important thing was his family's support and engagement. Specially for his dad, our baby was the best thing that ever happened, but all of his family were very engaged. It would probably have been the same with a donor, but I can't say for sure.
posted by mumimor at 1:50 PM on March 12, 2023 [6 favorites]
I actually did what you are considering: travel several times per week with my newborn 30 minutes one way to the baby's father so they could bond, until Baby was about 8 months old. Difference was i used public transport, and he was/is the bio father. The pregnancy was not planned and so huge adjustment for us both.
The visits were very hard to pull off, especially during the first 4 months. Logistically (as described so well above), but also physically and emotionally. He did not want any baby stuff at his minimalist place so i had to bring everthing every time.
Looking back i should not have done it and instead insisted he come to us. But i was very afraid that if i did that he would simply fade out of my/our life.
In retrospect (said baby is now 14) this would have been painful but also more honest. We ended up moving in together when baby was 8 months, at my pushing. We finally, after very rocky years, seperated when our son was 11. I have many regrets for pushing so hard for something that ultimately was not good for any of us.
I would certainly not do it again.
posted by 15L06 at 1:52 PM on March 12, 2023 [49 favorites]
The visits were very hard to pull off, especially during the first 4 months. Logistically (as described so well above), but also physically and emotionally. He did not want any baby stuff at his minimalist place so i had to bring everthing every time.
Looking back i should not have done it and instead insisted he come to us. But i was very afraid that if i did that he would simply fade out of my/our life.
In retrospect (said baby is now 14) this would have been painful but also more honest. We ended up moving in together when baby was 8 months, at my pushing. We finally, after very rocky years, seperated when our son was 11. I have many regrets for pushing so hard for something that ultimately was not good for any of us.
I would certainly not do it again.
posted by 15L06 at 1:52 PM on March 12, 2023 [49 favorites]
Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope the upcoming birth and fourth trimester go really well.
I really recommend familiarising yourself with the concept of the fourth trimester. I knew about it but didn't truly understand just how intense it would be.
For me the early postpartum weeks and months were incredibly overwhelming emotionally and physically. I think you should see how you feel then and what you need.
Depending on how you end up giving birth, driving might be tricky. If you have a C section, for example, you are not allowed to drive for at least six weeks.
Hopefully he has sorted out a car and licence by then, so that he can come to you if you would like that.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 2:18 PM on March 12, 2023 [10 favorites]
I really recommend familiarising yourself with the concept of the fourth trimester. I knew about it but didn't truly understand just how intense it would be.
For me the early postpartum weeks and months were incredibly overwhelming emotionally and physically. I think you should see how you feel then and what you need.
Depending on how you end up giving birth, driving might be tricky. If you have a C section, for example, you are not allowed to drive for at least six weeks.
Hopefully he has sorted out a car and licence by then, so that he can come to you if you would like that.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 2:18 PM on March 12, 2023 [10 favorites]
I’m suggest hiring a part-time nanny—doesn’t have to be live-in, but having someone who can show up for a few hours a day means you can take a shower, a nap, spend some quiet time alone, etc., especially if your SO isn’t around very much.
posted by Ideefixe at 2:41 PM on March 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by Ideefixe at 2:41 PM on March 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
Best answer: In between in-person visits, a standing daily Zoom date seems like not only a good idea for maintaining connection, but giving him some exposure to what daily baby life is like and how it evolves over time. Humans have a terrible sense of time, and tend to either catastrophize "the way this is difficult right now is the way it will be difficult forever" OR "Event happened weeks ago why aren't things back to MY normal now". And for the moment it doesn't really matter how he feels about parenthood, it's more about having a reasonable understanding of what YOUR life is like and the new limits of your time and attention, plus getting to know the new person in your life.
I would definitely be wary of making any commitments now about driving for visits afterwards. If you have a surgical delivery or damage, even riding in the car to extremely important doctor appointments before AND after driving restrictions are lifted could be anywhere from unpleasant to a hindrance to healing. Additionally, a lot of fresh parents suddenly have an extremely vivid awakening to how dangerous the roads are, and I've had a number of friends who started out from "babies are portable!" to "but only if we can teleport there". Playing it by ear is the only way.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:47 PM on March 12, 2023 [10 favorites]
I would definitely be wary of making any commitments now about driving for visits afterwards. If you have a surgical delivery or damage, even riding in the car to extremely important doctor appointments before AND after driving restrictions are lifted could be anywhere from unpleasant to a hindrance to healing. Additionally, a lot of fresh parents suddenly have an extremely vivid awakening to how dangerous the roads are, and I've had a number of friends who started out from "babies are portable!" to "but only if we can teleport there". Playing it by ear is the only way.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:47 PM on March 12, 2023 [10 favorites]
How far along are you in the pregnancy? Something else that happened to me was an intense desire for stability.
Another piece is that while I expected Weeks 1-3 to be tough, I didn't realize that all of the second month and part of the third would also seem like one long near-sleepless day before things emerged into what I thought having "a baby" would be like, sometime after that.
Generally, the birthing parent and baby are like the center of the world post-birth for a bit, with people revolving around them. I would prepare him and yourself for the fact that you may not be able to reciprocate visits, etc.
posted by slidell at 3:01 PM on March 12, 2023 [8 favorites]
Another piece is that while I expected Weeks 1-3 to be tough, I didn't realize that all of the second month and part of the third would also seem like one long near-sleepless day before things emerged into what I thought having "a baby" would be like, sometime after that.
Generally, the birthing parent and baby are like the center of the world post-birth for a bit, with people revolving around them. I would prepare him and yourself for the fact that you may not be able to reciprocate visits, etc.
posted by slidell at 3:01 PM on March 12, 2023 [8 favorites]
Best answer: The issue of how to bond with a baby you didn't contribute sperm/eggs to comes up a lot in the queer community. If that's what he wants now, it is doable. But remaining distant isn't going to help the situation. Check your MeFi mail if you want to discuss that.
Driving while sleep deprived with a newborn is a terrible idea, and you should not make plans that rely on that being a frequent habit.
posted by lab.beetle at 3:04 PM on March 12, 2023 [17 favorites]
Driving while sleep deprived with a newborn is a terrible idea, and you should not make plans that rely on that being a frequent habit.
posted by lab.beetle at 3:04 PM on March 12, 2023 [17 favorites]
The fourth trimester, essentially on your own, is going to be really, really hard.
Outsource labor. As much as you can. Get a part time nanny. Get someone to prepare meals for you. Get someone to clean your house.
Tell him he needs to come to you. He can come visit. This is going to be much easier than you going to visit.
If or when you do go to him, keep stuff there. Bottles, formula, diapers, wipes, a bassinet or pack n play. Maybe a swing or bouncer.
Do regular video calls with him. Check in about your days. Let him see the baby that way. Note, this won’t be at a particular regular time. Your baby will sleep when it wants, scream when it wants, and not allow regular scheduling of anything at first.
posted by J. Wilson at 3:29 PM on March 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
Outsource labor. As much as you can. Get a part time nanny. Get someone to prepare meals for you. Get someone to clean your house.
Tell him he needs to come to you. He can come visit. This is going to be much easier than you going to visit.
If or when you do go to him, keep stuff there. Bottles, formula, diapers, wipes, a bassinet or pack n play. Maybe a swing or bouncer.
Do regular video calls with him. Check in about your days. Let him see the baby that way. Note, this won’t be at a particular regular time. Your baby will sleep when it wants, scream when it wants, and not allow regular scheduling of anything at first.
posted by J. Wilson at 3:29 PM on March 12, 2023 [3 favorites]
Given the situation he needs to commit to coming to see you. Zoom visits are also a good idea, more for you than for bonding with the baby.
This situation isn’t wildly out of the norm. My dad was in the Navy and deployed when I was born and didn’t see me for several months. Plus grandparents may not get to meet a baby immediately or daily and can still bond with them.
Every baby is really different - you may have the trials described here or you may not. My baby was “easy” - slept well, breastfed well. I happily went back to my office job at 7 weeks. Plan to wait and see what you can do, and also maybe take a page from military families or others necessarily separated during the newborn phase to think through how to stay connected.
posted by jeoc at 3:30 PM on March 12, 2023 [4 favorites]
This situation isn’t wildly out of the norm. My dad was in the Navy and deployed when I was born and didn’t see me for several months. Plus grandparents may not get to meet a baby immediately or daily and can still bond with them.
Every baby is really different - you may have the trials described here or you may not. My baby was “easy” - slept well, breastfed well. I happily went back to my office job at 7 weeks. Plan to wait and see what you can do, and also maybe take a page from military families or others necessarily separated during the newborn phase to think through how to stay connected.
posted by jeoc at 3:30 PM on March 12, 2023 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I just want to say I am so impressed with you - knowing what you wanted (a child) and going after it while also managing and navigating your relationship. I think I would have buried my desire and resented it. Go, you.
posted by atomicstone at 3:45 PM on March 12, 2023 [38 favorites]
posted by atomicstone at 3:45 PM on March 12, 2023 [38 favorites]
I'm a little worried that you're worried about him "feeling shut out" and that you didn't mention a desire from him to help you "feel supported" during this hard and vulnerable time.
Without judgment, only out of concern for your experience in the coming months, I would suggest finding a way to focus on your own experience, let his emotions be his problem, and put up a force field that bounces away any guilt trips or blame.
You've worked so hard to have this baby. You can't control what he feels. Please center your experience here and trust him to take care of himself. I think speaking with him by Zoom maybe once a day, knowing that you'll miss some days because you had to finally get some sleep, and inviting him to come down in person when he can, is the right balance -- it leaves the door open to him being very much invited and welcomed in, but it recognizes the pragmatic reality that it will be harder for you to do the traveling during these three months.
posted by slidell at 3:54 PM on March 12, 2023 [45 favorites]
Without judgment, only out of concern for your experience in the coming months, I would suggest finding a way to focus on your own experience, let his emotions be his problem, and put up a force field that bounces away any guilt trips or blame.
You've worked so hard to have this baby. You can't control what he feels. Please center your experience here and trust him to take care of himself. I think speaking with him by Zoom maybe once a day, knowing that you'll miss some days because you had to finally get some sleep, and inviting him to come down in person when he can, is the right balance -- it leaves the door open to him being very much invited and welcomed in, but it recognizes the pragmatic reality that it will be harder for you to do the traveling during these three months.
posted by slidell at 3:54 PM on March 12, 2023 [45 favorites]
Echoing that it's on him to get to you during this bonkers time. I hope he is asking around, "How can I support Ella_Bella right now?" even if he's wondering about this as a friend and not as a father or father-adjacent-person.
Also, in case it's helpful to hear from the perspective of a non-genetic parent: I adopted both of my kids (not because of infertility but preference, so I wasn't turning to adoption after failed pregnancy or out of stress), and I bonded immediately, like instantly, with one, and it took a while with the other. I'm sharing this not because it predicts how your boyfriend will feel about your baby, but to point out that the same person, even if excited to be parenting, may or may not bond right away with a child in their care.
Also, congratulations! This is a wonderfully exciting time for you!
posted by bluedaisy at 4:57 PM on March 12, 2023 [5 favorites]
Also, in case it's helpful to hear from the perspective of a non-genetic parent: I adopted both of my kids (not because of infertility but preference, so I wasn't turning to adoption after failed pregnancy or out of stress), and I bonded immediately, like instantly, with one, and it took a while with the other. I'm sharing this not because it predicts how your boyfriend will feel about your baby, but to point out that the same person, even if excited to be parenting, may or may not bond right away with a child in their care.
Also, congratulations! This is a wonderfully exciting time for you!
posted by bluedaisy at 4:57 PM on March 12, 2023 [5 favorites]
In the kindest way possible, the most important thing for you to do after having this baby is to prioritize yourself and your needs and make his desire to "feel included" secondary to that by, like, a lot. He and he alone should be doing the work of finding transportation so he can see you. If he does not do that you guys can stay in touch daily via text, talking, video chat. Even then, however, he should be providing emotional support to you, asking what you need, listening and empathizing. This is not the time for him to be extracting emotional labor from you.
I'm not trying to imply that he needs to "step up" for a child that's not biologically his, because he doesn't. I am trying to look out for your well-being in the wake of what I understand to be a significantly physically traumatic experience, in the absence of any complications. That doesn't even touch upon the exhaustion and emotional toll of having a newborn and the hormonal changes and just everything that is to come.
Anyone wanting to feel "included", including your boyfriend, has to be secondary to your doing what is best for you and baby. Take a step back and let him do the emotional labor of finding a way to make time for you and your relationship and support you in any way you need. Relationships are 50/50, yes, but that means that sometimes they're 80/20 or 100/0 because one person does not have the capacity to do 50% of the work. It evens out to 50/50 over time. This is a time when it should be 100/0. Let him show up for you. I hope for your sake that he doesn't let you down.
posted by Amy93 at 5:06 PM on March 12, 2023 [33 favorites]
I'm not trying to imply that he needs to "step up" for a child that's not biologically his, because he doesn't. I am trying to look out for your well-being in the wake of what I understand to be a significantly physically traumatic experience, in the absence of any complications. That doesn't even touch upon the exhaustion and emotional toll of having a newborn and the hormonal changes and just everything that is to come.
Anyone wanting to feel "included", including your boyfriend, has to be secondary to your doing what is best for you and baby. Take a step back and let him do the emotional labor of finding a way to make time for you and your relationship and support you in any way you need. Relationships are 50/50, yes, but that means that sometimes they're 80/20 or 100/0 because one person does not have the capacity to do 50% of the work. It evens out to 50/50 over time. This is a time when it should be 100/0. Let him show up for you. I hope for your sake that he doesn't let you down.
posted by Amy93 at 5:06 PM on March 12, 2023 [33 favorites]
I mean, my relationship with my husband suffered when we had a newborn and we were in the same house, parenting together. Taking care of a newborn is a 24/7 job for awhile there. You just don't have time to take care even of your own needs (though you should try), let alone those of another adult who doesn't live with you.i would prepare him for the fact that you won't be around much for awhile.
posted by chaiminda at 6:24 PM on March 12, 2023 [13 favorites]
posted by chaiminda at 6:24 PM on March 12, 2023 [13 favorites]
Just reminding that OP said she's moving in with her parents for a few months after birth. And reminding OP that you said he's your "best friend and no.1 person". Trust that this is mutual.
I would visit my best friend weekly if they had a baby by themselves, even if I had to take public transport. If they and/or the baby weren't fit for hanging out when I got there I would do their laundry or dishes.
posted by Iteki at 6:59 PM on March 12, 2023 [13 favorites]
I would visit my best friend weekly if they had a baby by themselves, even if I had to take public transport. If they and/or the baby weren't fit for hanging out when I got there I would do their laundry or dishes.
posted by Iteki at 6:59 PM on March 12, 2023 [13 favorites]
In every relationship there are times where each partner puts in more work to keep the relationship happy, heathy, intact than the other for a myriad of reasons. When I work 16 hour days, my partner does all the chores. We took turns working and putting each other through school. When I had cancer, he was my physical and emotional support.
This is to say, relationships naturally fluctuate, and different partners "carry" the relationship more in some periods than others. No one should ever carry the relationship all the time, but there are a lot of ebbs and flows to relationships.
This period of time, is the time for him to carry more of the relationship load. A LOT more. The postpartum period is a huge life change. Physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting. It was harder on me than going through cancer (I'm sure this varies from person to person). You will be giving your entire person to this new baby. His job as your friend and partner, regardless of his relationship to the baby, is to focus on you and help you through this period.
This upcoming time period isn't about the baby it's about you, the newly postpartum mother. How would you feel about this if you were sick rather than having a baby? What would you expect from your partner if you were very unwell for a few weeks or months? What would you expect from any friend or family member? If you think about it that way to remove any feelings of uncertainty and confusion that come with the notion of the baby and who the bio father is or isn't, the answer becomes more clear. My partner didn't give me cancer but he still carried the relationship during that time.
When I had cancer, my coworkers created a meal train, my family came to me to clean my house and cook for me. My partner bathed me, fed me, catered to me constantly. He did everything he possibly could to make my life easier. No one expected me travel 30 minutes to visit them.
I'm not at all saying your partner needs to "step up and be a father," but it is his turn to step up and be the friend and partner who does more than his fair share for this time period because that's what partners do when the person they love needs it.
Communicate everything you need from him before the birth, but also communicate what is and isn't working as things change. Set up certain days and times for time together where he does the traveling. Have him come cook for you. Clean for you. Do your laundry. Anything you need. Father of this baby or not, he is your partner and it's reasonable to expect some extra accommodation in periods when you need help even if the reason you need help isn't because of him directly.
posted by CleverClover at 7:04 PM on March 12, 2023 [28 favorites]
This is to say, relationships naturally fluctuate, and different partners "carry" the relationship more in some periods than others. No one should ever carry the relationship all the time, but there are a lot of ebbs and flows to relationships.
This period of time, is the time for him to carry more of the relationship load. A LOT more. The postpartum period is a huge life change. Physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting. It was harder on me than going through cancer (I'm sure this varies from person to person). You will be giving your entire person to this new baby. His job as your friend and partner, regardless of his relationship to the baby, is to focus on you and help you through this period.
This upcoming time period isn't about the baby it's about you, the newly postpartum mother. How would you feel about this if you were sick rather than having a baby? What would you expect from your partner if you were very unwell for a few weeks or months? What would you expect from any friend or family member? If you think about it that way to remove any feelings of uncertainty and confusion that come with the notion of the baby and who the bio father is or isn't, the answer becomes more clear. My partner didn't give me cancer but he still carried the relationship during that time.
When I had cancer, my coworkers created a meal train, my family came to me to clean my house and cook for me. My partner bathed me, fed me, catered to me constantly. He did everything he possibly could to make my life easier. No one expected me travel 30 minutes to visit them.
I'm not at all saying your partner needs to "step up and be a father," but it is his turn to step up and be the friend and partner who does more than his fair share for this time period because that's what partners do when the person they love needs it.
Communicate everything you need from him before the birth, but also communicate what is and isn't working as things change. Set up certain days and times for time together where he does the traveling. Have him come cook for you. Clean for you. Do your laundry. Anything you need. Father of this baby or not, he is your partner and it's reasonable to expect some extra accommodation in periods when you need help even if the reason you need help isn't because of him directly.
posted by CleverClover at 7:04 PM on March 12, 2023 [28 favorites]
I get that you want to make your guy feel like he’s a priority but honestly, both of you need to get over that because he won’t be. You have a tiny helpless human who needs around the clock care for endless months and then after that the priority is looking after yourself because if you don’t, the baby suffers. Unfortunately he’s now way down the list because helpless human.
There’s no talk about how he’s going to support you or make you a priority though so that’s interesting…But if he does want to be included, well, new mothers have an endless list of needs and I’d tell him to come around as often as he likes and you’ll be happy to see him and welcome his help if he wants to give it. And if he shows up for you, that’s how you tell.
I would tell your boyfriend what you need, eg can you bring granola bars so I can eat while I breastfeed or can you load the dishwasher, grab some stuff from the store or watch the baby while I shower etc etc.
Be prepared for this to be a rude shock for him as your relationship together is now secondary to your relationship with the baby. He’ll either be ok with that or he won’t and even biological fathers can find that a hard pill to swallow. So if he does struggle with it, it doesn’t make him a bad guy. It’s a huge adjustment for everyone.
posted by Jubey at 1:30 AM on March 13, 2023 [17 favorites]
There’s no talk about how he’s going to support you or make you a priority though so that’s interesting…But if he does want to be included, well, new mothers have an endless list of needs and I’d tell him to come around as often as he likes and you’ll be happy to see him and welcome his help if he wants to give it. And if he shows up for you, that’s how you tell.
I would tell your boyfriend what you need, eg can you bring granola bars so I can eat while I breastfeed or can you load the dishwasher, grab some stuff from the store or watch the baby while I shower etc etc.
Be prepared for this to be a rude shock for him as your relationship together is now secondary to your relationship with the baby. He’ll either be ok with that or he won’t and even biological fathers can find that a hard pill to swallow. So if he does struggle with it, it doesn’t make him a bad guy. It’s a huge adjustment for everyone.
posted by Jubey at 1:30 AM on March 13, 2023 [17 favorites]
How far are you along in the pregnancy?
From the OP:
From the OP:
I'm due to give birth in 2 monthsposted by virago at 2:37 AM on March 13, 2023 [1 favorite]
I gave birth at 42, via emergency C-section. Your C-section odds do go up in your 40s.
Please know that it simply may not be practical for you to drive back and forth across town. I didn't have a particular driving restriction (certainly not six weeks, I remember driving myself to a nearby appointment around three weeks postpartum). But it was very uncomfortable to sit up in a car for any length of time. I definitely wasn't keen on any driving, hoisting my baby in and out of her seat, or fiddling with buckles.
Also, my baby was in the NICU for several days, which left me quite anxious about taking her out and about.
I'm an egg donor mom, so I can also speak to the genetic aspect. We tried several rounds of IVF with my eggs before moving on to donor, and, yes, it was an adjustment to realize I wouldn't be genetically related to my child. But now I only think about it when it comes up, or when we discuss it with her (it's not a secret).
I got past it by getting in there and caring for my child. And that's going to be up to your boyfriend, not you. He's going to have to decide to jump in and change diapers, go for walks, fret about the future, enjoy those first giggles. Because that's how you build the bond, not DNA. It's up to him to do the work. And while you can give access, you can't stage manage it.
I'll also say my postpartum time was very terrible, because everything got caught up in managing everyone else's feelings, and in letting others dictate their levels of involvement in an unreasonable and unhealthy way. I let other people tell me what I should want, nobody was asking me what I wanted.
So please decide what postpartum experience you want (I wish I'd been snuggled with my baby, with helpful people bringing us things). Then communicate that, and let the chips fall where they may.
Best wishes to you.
posted by champers at 3:57 AM on March 13, 2023 [15 favorites]
Please know that it simply may not be practical for you to drive back and forth across town. I didn't have a particular driving restriction (certainly not six weeks, I remember driving myself to a nearby appointment around three weeks postpartum). But it was very uncomfortable to sit up in a car for any length of time. I definitely wasn't keen on any driving, hoisting my baby in and out of her seat, or fiddling with buckles.
Also, my baby was in the NICU for several days, which left me quite anxious about taking her out and about.
I'm an egg donor mom, so I can also speak to the genetic aspect. We tried several rounds of IVF with my eggs before moving on to donor, and, yes, it was an adjustment to realize I wouldn't be genetically related to my child. But now I only think about it when it comes up, or when we discuss it with her (it's not a secret).
I got past it by getting in there and caring for my child. And that's going to be up to your boyfriend, not you. He's going to have to decide to jump in and change diapers, go for walks, fret about the future, enjoy those first giggles. Because that's how you build the bond, not DNA. It's up to him to do the work. And while you can give access, you can't stage manage it.
I'll also say my postpartum time was very terrible, because everything got caught up in managing everyone else's feelings, and in letting others dictate their levels of involvement in an unreasonable and unhealthy way. I let other people tell me what I should want, nobody was asking me what I wanted.
So please decide what postpartum experience you want (I wish I'd been snuggled with my baby, with helpful people bringing us things). Then communicate that, and let the chips fall where they may.
Best wishes to you.
posted by champers at 3:57 AM on March 13, 2023 [15 favorites]
As someone who is presently nursing her two week old, I strongly echo the recommendations to have him come to you. Also, he will need to be ready for you to be in a different place mentally, physically and emotionally. He'll need to show up for you in order for you to be able to include him and for him to be able to bond with the baby. If he is going to have a lot of emotions at you or expectations of you during this time, I'd be very wary and limit your interactions for your own wellbeing and for that of your relationship.
For context: I've been trying to get out for daily walks to help with C section recovery: we have succeeded twice in 5 days, and it's taken hours to get out the door due to long feeds or fussiness. I can't lift anything heavier than my baby, so it would be incredibly difficult to even do that without help. I don't love driving at the best of times but will avoid it for a while because of incision pain and because our baby is so small she barely fits in her carseat. I also had an emotional interaction with a member of my family that left me sobbing for the better part of the day, partially due to the intensity of postpartum hormones and sleep deprivation leaving me not emotionally equipped to handle that: currently, I'm not sure we'll be able to repair the damage done, but I don't have enough energy to invest in trying right now. I'm so fiercely in love with this baby and consumed with taking care of her needs that I have little reserve to deal with other people's wants.
Your experience may not be like this! But it's good to prepare yourself for the chance that you will likely not have the capacity to be showing up for other people for a while.
posted by Paper rabies at 6:56 AM on March 13, 2023 [10 favorites]
For context: I've been trying to get out for daily walks to help with C section recovery: we have succeeded twice in 5 days, and it's taken hours to get out the door due to long feeds or fussiness. I can't lift anything heavier than my baby, so it would be incredibly difficult to even do that without help. I don't love driving at the best of times but will avoid it for a while because of incision pain and because our baby is so small she barely fits in her carseat. I also had an emotional interaction with a member of my family that left me sobbing for the better part of the day, partially due to the intensity of postpartum hormones and sleep deprivation leaving me not emotionally equipped to handle that: currently, I'm not sure we'll be able to repair the damage done, but I don't have enough energy to invest in trying right now. I'm so fiercely in love with this baby and consumed with taking care of her needs that I have little reserve to deal with other people's wants.
Your experience may not be like this! But it's good to prepare yourself for the chance that you will likely not have the capacity to be showing up for other people for a while.
posted by Paper rabies at 6:56 AM on March 13, 2023 [10 favorites]
Congratulations! I have a two-year-old and I love being a parent.
Purely from a logistical standpoint, I don't think there's a way for him to be occupying the role of "boyfriend/partner" without also occupying the role of "parent," definitely for three months after the birth, probably for at least six. It's just very unlikely that you're going to have the bandwidth to maintain another relationship that isn't focused on your child. He can be in your life as a friend who comes by and gives you food and helps out, but I hope he understands that he's about to experience a really significant change in the nature of your relationship. Again, this is logistical if nothing else - even if your emotions don't change at all, the odds are that you simply aren't going to have anything in the tank to put into this relationship, at least for a while.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:28 AM on March 13, 2023 [9 favorites]
Purely from a logistical standpoint, I don't think there's a way for him to be occupying the role of "boyfriend/partner" without also occupying the role of "parent," definitely for three months after the birth, probably for at least six. It's just very unlikely that you're going to have the bandwidth to maintain another relationship that isn't focused on your child. He can be in your life as a friend who comes by and gives you food and helps out, but I hope he understands that he's about to experience a really significant change in the nature of your relationship. Again, this is logistical if nothing else - even if your emotions don't change at all, the odds are that you simply aren't going to have anything in the tank to put into this relationship, at least for a while.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:28 AM on March 13, 2023 [9 favorites]
One of my friends gave birth recently as a single mom. She lives about a mile away from me and I've started dropping by her place every Wednesday with a casserole to see if her home has any chores that need doing. Her dad moved in with her to help out, but he's a bit crotchety and difficult with her on occasion (essentially a sweet guy but parents, amiright), plus she feels too obligated to him to ask him for things? But she can ask me. She saves up the laundry for me to do because she can't climb stairs yet (she had a c-section about 4 weeks ago) and her dad won't use her preferred hypoallergenic detergent. So that's what I usually end up doing. We make tea and chat while she breastfeeds or whatever and the laundry is happening downstairs. One time she was napping when I showed up, because that's what it's like when you've just given birth.
I would not in a million years imagine that she ought to come visit my house even though I live just a mile away. I would not in a million years expect her to take on the responsibility of keeping up our friendship during this time, not even to the extent of remembering to call me on my birthday - let alone every day or every week just to say hi.
In this moment of all moments in our friendship, I have to be there for her.
I'm sure your number 1 friend and supporter feels the same way about you. You can let go of this burden you're placing on yourself. If he values you, and it sounds like he does, he will be more than glad to show up and be of service to you. (Showing up for you has literally nothing to do with how he feels about your child.)
posted by MiraK at 8:38 AM on March 13, 2023 [22 favorites]
I would not in a million years imagine that she ought to come visit my house even though I live just a mile away. I would not in a million years expect her to take on the responsibility of keeping up our friendship during this time, not even to the extent of remembering to call me on my birthday - let alone every day or every week just to say hi.
In this moment of all moments in our friendship, I have to be there for her.
I'm sure your number 1 friend and supporter feels the same way about you. You can let go of this burden you're placing on yourself. If he values you, and it sounds like he does, he will be more than glad to show up and be of service to you. (Showing up for you has literally nothing to do with how he feels about your child.)
posted by MiraK at 8:38 AM on March 13, 2023 [22 favorites]
So there is a thing called a postpartum doula. My daughter now has a 19 month old and wishes so strongly that she had had one that she is going to become one. I would very much recommend you consider this as an option (and a birth doula as well if you have not yet considered that option.) Other than that, I am going to nth everyone else here and say, the first four months of the baby's life are going to change you in ways you have never, ever anticipated. Planning for them is nice, but it's good to remember that basically it's along the lines of "when I retire I'm going on a world cruise" planning: sure, get the brochures and look at the pictures but don't put any earnest money down. You can't plan the first few months for anything much beyond a car seat, a diaper service, adequate laundry facilities - more laundry than you have ever done in your life - and, my recommendation for all new mothers, a rocking chair. Everything else just has to be up in the air, because you are probably going to be utterly and completely absorbed by the baby's needs. You would not think someone so small could upset so much.
Here's another piece of advice from a grandmother: having a baby is a process that takes at least two years and probably two and a half to three. There is the year of pregnancy / postpartum. There is the first year of the baby. Then there is the year of slowly becoming yourself again. This is physical, psychological, emotional - all the things and all the feels. When you're pregnant and then breastfeeding and then for even longer you are awash in hormones and you may not be the same you who you recognize. The strangest things become obsessions; they may or may not last. Just give yourself enormous latitude and go gently. You'll look back at this time with a kind of wonder that you survived it at all.
posted by mygothlaundry at 12:43 PM on March 13, 2023 [5 favorites]
Here's another piece of advice from a grandmother: having a baby is a process that takes at least two years and probably two and a half to three. There is the year of pregnancy / postpartum. There is the first year of the baby. Then there is the year of slowly becoming yourself again. This is physical, psychological, emotional - all the things and all the feels. When you're pregnant and then breastfeeding and then for even longer you are awash in hormones and you may not be the same you who you recognize. The strangest things become obsessions; they may or may not last. Just give yourself enormous latitude and go gently. You'll look back at this time with a kind of wonder that you survived it at all.
posted by mygothlaundry at 12:43 PM on March 13, 2023 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you so much, everyone – in particular, for responding with kindness and thoughtfulness, and without righteous judgement (indeed, that comment has been mercifully removed). I very much appreciate all your thoughts, and understand that there's a clear direction almost all of them are facing in – i.e. that he comes to me!
I also appreciate the vivid descriptions of the fourth trimester/postpartum life – each one of them filling out a world that's still so unfathomable to me, even as much as I try to imagine myself into it now. I'll be lucky in that my parents, bless them, will be pitching in to support me but I do understand that I'll just have to go with the flow and the unpredictability of it all – and that my boyfriend will simply have to follow suit. Hopefully we can find our way to something that works.
Also thank you to the incredibly kind @lab.beetle's reminder that the situation re. genetics here is hardly anomalous – I have been thinking about the queer community a lot during this pregnancy, and am realising now I could perhaps reach out more to my queer parent friends to ask about their experiences, too, as that could be helpful.
And thanks too to @atomicstone for giving me props for going ahead with my greatest desire – to have a child, despite other impediments. I didn't expect anyone to say that and am very grateful that you did! Cheers, all.
posted by Ella_Bella at 4:43 PM on March 13, 2023 [11 favorites]
I also appreciate the vivid descriptions of the fourth trimester/postpartum life – each one of them filling out a world that's still so unfathomable to me, even as much as I try to imagine myself into it now. I'll be lucky in that my parents, bless them, will be pitching in to support me but I do understand that I'll just have to go with the flow and the unpredictability of it all – and that my boyfriend will simply have to follow suit. Hopefully we can find our way to something that works.
Also thank you to the incredibly kind @lab.beetle's reminder that the situation re. genetics here is hardly anomalous – I have been thinking about the queer community a lot during this pregnancy, and am realising now I could perhaps reach out more to my queer parent friends to ask about their experiences, too, as that could be helpful.
And thanks too to @atomicstone for giving me props for going ahead with my greatest desire – to have a child, despite other impediments. I didn't expect anyone to say that and am very grateful that you did! Cheers, all.
posted by Ella_Bella at 4:43 PM on March 13, 2023 [11 favorites]
As one practical consideration -- if he gets his driver's license but procuring a car is challenging, perhaps he could borrow your car to drive to and from you?
Would he be able to stay over overnight in your parents' house? If so, if he felt up to it, he could support you with nighttime feedings if you are breastfeeding, and/or handle some of them if you are formula feeding.
I wish you a smooth remainder of the pregnancy and birth!
posted by virve at 9:25 PM on March 13, 2023 [3 favorites]
Would he be able to stay over overnight in your parents' house? If so, if he felt up to it, he could support you with nighttime feedings if you are breastfeeding, and/or handle some of them if you are formula feeding.
I wish you a smooth remainder of the pregnancy and birth!
posted by virve at 9:25 PM on March 13, 2023 [3 favorites]
I came across this in my past comments and was hoping it was ok to ask how it’s all going? I’m thinking of you and hoping you’re enjoying motherhood and that everything is working out with your partner. Only if you’re comfortable answering, of course.
posted by Jubey at 4:25 AM on November 15, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Jubey at 4:25 AM on November 15, 2023 [1 favorite]
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posted by Vatnesine at 12:04 PM on March 12, 2023 [77 favorites]