Kid's birthday party ideas
February 24, 2023 11:53 AM Subscribe
Hi all, I'm looking to crowdsource ideas for how to make a 3yo's birthday party feel extra special, and more broadly, helpful and supportive things I could to say to my bf for this situation:
My almost-divorced BF's ex has decided that she doesn't want the planned joint birthday party anymore and told him he can do something with the boy in the morning and she'll do something at night. Almost all the party attendees would've been from her circle of family/friends, who love the bf but have essentially been forbidden by the ex to see him unless she's around, so the kid's gone from big party to no party now. BF has an estranged family (abuse) and a much smaller circle of friends, none of which have kids. He's worried that any party he plans for the kid now will 'be a nothingburger for him' and he doesn't want to disappoint the kid, especially since the kid's been talking about the party for months.
I (childfree so no experience with kids) want to offer ideas/support but have no idea what to say other than to validate his frustrations and offer to his distract him or listen to him.
BF has three cats and three dogs and a large property. I think the boy likes Paw Patrol and watches Mickey Mouse though it's not his favorite.
The dissolution of the party appears to be part of a pattern of self-centred behaviour with the ex-wife though I'm not sure if it's new or continued - the marriage ended with infidelity on her part, she didn't bother to let the dogs in/give their medication the other day til late night while the BF was away because she was too busy chatting with a new guy, etc - so this is a compounding frustration for the BF.
I'm a new girlfriend who hasn't passed the requisite time in the vetting period for meeting the kid yet so I won't be present for the party.
TIA
BF has three cats and three dogs and a large property. I think the boy likes Paw Patrol and watches Mickey Mouse though it's not his favorite.
The dissolution of the party appears to be part of a pattern of self-centred behaviour with the ex-wife though I'm not sure if it's new or continued - the marriage ended with infidelity on her part, she didn't bother to let the dogs in/give their medication the other day til late night while the BF was away because she was too busy chatting with a new guy, etc - so this is a compounding frustration for the BF.
I'm a new girlfriend who hasn't passed the requisite time in the vetting period for meeting the kid yet so I won't be present for the party.
TIA
Maybe take him on an outing and call it a party? 3 year olds don't really know what a party is and have pretty vague expectations so whatever you present, if you say it with a huge smile and make it sound special, the kid will be into it. For my 3yo the party was 2 best friends, their parents, the babysitter, and all little siblings (so 3 x 3 year olds, 3x babies/toddlers, and 6 adults), which was a great number of people - it doesn't need to be huge and smaller is better, 3 year olds are just a day older than 2 year olds and they get overwhelmed easily!
Here were the key elements of our party, which the kids loved:
- 10am - 1pm, at a park that has a public washroom (no cleaning the house! easy cleanup!)
- Easy snacks / light lunch (coffee for parents, granola bars, juice boxes, fruit platter, pizza)
- We did hellos and unstructured play for a bit (the kids enjoyed putting on party hats and leis and blowing party kazoos from the dollar store, and running around like maniacs)
- We opened one of the gifts - a stomp rocket - and played with it outside, it was a big hit, I recommend.
- We gave each kid this kind of mini foil balloon on a stick from the dollar store and they HUGELY enjoyed bonking each other and especially the adults on the head with them. That was a solid 30 mins of laughs and probably the highlight of the day. They felt "naughty" hitting the adults and were totally gleeful, and we pretended to be surprised, yelp, fall over, etc.
- We did a small pinata where you just pull the strings rather than hitting it (too dangerous with little kids), and I filled it with glow sticks and stickers and other little doodads rather than candy to avoid sugar meltdowns.
- We blew very large bubbles with a giant bubble wand. This was not ideal for a bday party - kids do bubbles all the time so they're not that into normal bubbles on a special occasion, and the giant wands are cool BUT kids that age are very hands-on, so they will want to make the giant bubbles themselves, but they won't have the dexterity so that turns into frustration / power struggles with the adults making the bubbles. Do not recommend for a party.
- We had cupcakes
- For loot bags, about 15 mins before they all left, we gave them each a little superhero costume from Amazon (felt mask and silky cape) and they ran around like superheroes and loved it. The superhero cape and pinata goodies were their loot bag.
It was pretty low key and inexpensive, and not that different than a normal park outing! But basically since we hyped it up the kiddo was totally stoked and had a blast. It's all in how you sell it.
Other possible outings:
- Start the day right by having bunting and balloons around the breakfast table, a party hat, a small gift at breakfast, a special brekky treat like a chocolate croissant, etc
- Aquarium / Zoo / Science Museum etc
- A daddy-kiddo date - day and night at a hotel with a swimming pool, pizza, cake in the room, late bedtime
- Add a party hat, lei necklace, Bday-T-shirt or button so random strangers greet him all day, Mylar helium balloon (note that it WILL float away outside, so if you take it outside, tie it HARD to their wrist and always have an extra stashed in the car trunk)
posted by nouvelle-personne at 12:11 PM on February 24, 2023 [17 favorites]
Here were the key elements of our party, which the kids loved:
- 10am - 1pm, at a park that has a public washroom (no cleaning the house! easy cleanup!)
- Easy snacks / light lunch (coffee for parents, granola bars, juice boxes, fruit platter, pizza)
- We did hellos and unstructured play for a bit (the kids enjoyed putting on party hats and leis and blowing party kazoos from the dollar store, and running around like maniacs)
- We opened one of the gifts - a stomp rocket - and played with it outside, it was a big hit, I recommend.
- We gave each kid this kind of mini foil balloon on a stick from the dollar store and they HUGELY enjoyed bonking each other and especially the adults on the head with them. That was a solid 30 mins of laughs and probably the highlight of the day. They felt "naughty" hitting the adults and were totally gleeful, and we pretended to be surprised, yelp, fall over, etc.
- We did a small pinata where you just pull the strings rather than hitting it (too dangerous with little kids), and I filled it with glow sticks and stickers and other little doodads rather than candy to avoid sugar meltdowns.
- We blew very large bubbles with a giant bubble wand. This was not ideal for a bday party - kids do bubbles all the time so they're not that into normal bubbles on a special occasion, and the giant wands are cool BUT kids that age are very hands-on, so they will want to make the giant bubbles themselves, but they won't have the dexterity so that turns into frustration / power struggles with the adults making the bubbles. Do not recommend for a party.
- We had cupcakes
- For loot bags, about 15 mins before they all left, we gave them each a little superhero costume from Amazon (felt mask and silky cape) and they ran around like superheroes and loved it. The superhero cape and pinata goodies were their loot bag.
It was pretty low key and inexpensive, and not that different than a normal park outing! But basically since we hyped it up the kiddo was totally stoked and had a blast. It's all in how you sell it.
Other possible outings:
- Start the day right by having bunting and balloons around the breakfast table, a party hat, a small gift at breakfast, a special brekky treat like a chocolate croissant, etc
- Aquarium / Zoo / Science Museum etc
- A daddy-kiddo date - day and night at a hotel with a swimming pool, pizza, cake in the room, late bedtime
- Add a party hat, lei necklace, Bday-T-shirt or button so random strangers greet him all day, Mylar helium balloon (note that it WILL float away outside, so if you take it outside, tie it HARD to their wrist and always have an extra stashed in the car trunk)
posted by nouvelle-personne at 12:11 PM on February 24, 2023 [17 favorites]
If the kiddo is in school / daycare, I would have your BF check to see if school would allow a "party" on the Friday afternoon before the birthday weekend. When my kids were that age, we were able to bring in cupcakes or cookies and goodie bags for their classmates, and the teachers would help lead a couple of songs or games. Then do early dismissal (even before they can tell time, kids know what order they get picked up and have a sense of early / late) and take him out for the biggest, sloppiest ice cream dessert in your town. On the birthday morning, cake for breakfast and playtime at a local park. Parties for 3 year olds don't need to be "memorable" beyond the experience.
(Also agree to tread lightly around the relationship drama, not that you asked about that)
posted by Sweetie Darling at 12:14 PM on February 24, 2023 [8 favorites]
(Also agree to tread lightly around the relationship drama, not that you asked about that)
posted by Sweetie Darling at 12:14 PM on February 24, 2023 [8 favorites]
Is the party this weekend?
If there's time, I would see if your boyfriend can scrounge up at least a couple of friends. For a 3 year old, 3 friends is kind of standard in a lot of ways (some families do the 'guests as many as your age' thing.) He could then let all the "forbidden" people know they are welcome to drop in to the smaller party because...a) what the fuck and b) they have kids too, who are probably upset at missing a party, so they may be willing to accidentally show up.
If not, adults are party people too! A 3 year old might go WILD having a bunch of adults playing with them that day. 3 isn't necessarily going to be socially aware that they should have kids their own age. In fact there will be fewer arguments. I would put together a party with cake, food, and some really classic party games where the adults can all let the birthday child win. Pin the tail on the cat type stuff (not a real cat, of course.)
AND this is a child who deserves to have their birth celebrated. No one is owed a particular kind of party but I think there should be festivities. One Covid trick from my house is decorating the hall outside the birthday person's door plus the kitchen in a COMPLETELY over the top way, like the child had to fight their way through the streamers to go to the bathroom or go down a hall FULL of balloons.
posted by warriorqueen at 12:28 PM on February 24, 2023 [4 favorites]
If there's time, I would see if your boyfriend can scrounge up at least a couple of friends. For a 3 year old, 3 friends is kind of standard in a lot of ways (some families do the 'guests as many as your age' thing.) He could then let all the "forbidden" people know they are welcome to drop in to the smaller party because...a) what the fuck and b) they have kids too, who are probably upset at missing a party, so they may be willing to accidentally show up.
If not, adults are party people too! A 3 year old might go WILD having a bunch of adults playing with them that day. 3 isn't necessarily going to be socially aware that they should have kids their own age. In fact there will be fewer arguments. I would put together a party with cake, food, and some really classic party games where the adults can all let the birthday child win. Pin the tail on the cat type stuff (not a real cat, of course.)
AND this is a child who deserves to have their birth celebrated. No one is owed a particular kind of party but I think there should be festivities. One Covid trick from my house is decorating the hall outside the birthday person's door plus the kitchen in a COMPLETELY over the top way, like the child had to fight their way through the streamers to go to the bathroom or go down a hall FULL of balloons.
posted by warriorqueen at 12:28 PM on February 24, 2023 [4 favorites]
The most memorable party ever was for my youngest's fourth birthday. It's a long story, but I too had a complicated situation with her other parent. Whatever.. It was arranged during kindergarten hours, with two of the teachers. We went to a park where there was a huge playground and outdoor cooking was allowed, and we made a big stew over open fire. The kids could come and go (the playground was safe and fenced), and get healthy snacks or "help" with the cooking. It was in the middle of winter and there was a drizzle, but everything just felt so special and unusual. I don't think anyone who was there ever forgot. The children were from 3-5. It took a lot of planning, but it was fun for adults too.
No candy, no ballons, no gifts, no crying. Just a very special day.
posted by mumimor at 12:30 PM on February 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
No candy, no ballons, no gifts, no crying. Just a very special day.
posted by mumimor at 12:30 PM on February 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
With respect, I’d encourage you to avoid overthinking a 3 year old’s birthday party. Do what the kid likes to do with the people the kid likes (or good-natured friends of the parents who will have fun with the kid) and the treats the kid likes. And a lot of balloons.
posted by kat518 at 12:36 PM on February 24, 2023 [12 favorites]
posted by kat518 at 12:36 PM on February 24, 2023 [12 favorites]
I just held a party for a three year old and you/your BF are way overthinking it. Add balloons, something special to eat, play some music, and that is a party. Kids that age do not really need a lot - what your BF is upset about is his own idea and not what the kid will care about.
posted by epanalepsis at 12:43 PM on February 24, 2023 [28 favorites]
posted by epanalepsis at 12:43 PM on February 24, 2023 [28 favorites]
3 year olds don't really know what a party is
avoid overthinking a 3 year old’s birthday party
These are the right answers.
My son turned three last summer. We threw a party for him, complete with Lion King (his favorite movie) decorations and masks at my brother-in-law's house (has a pool). The guest list was just family (us, my mother-in-law, brother-in-law and family, and one of my wife's sisters), plus one family who has kids the same age as both of ours (the kids have gotten to be friends since then, but weren't at the time), and another family who has a daughter that my daughter is friends with (whom the birthday boy didn't know). Six months on, I doubt my son could tell you anyone off the guest list aside from me, my wife, and his older sister. Probably not even his grandmother. He does remember that he got certain things as birthday gifts, but he hilariously mixes up who gave him the gifts. He really just spent the whole day in a floaty thing in the pool, and that was good enough for him.
Kids aren't demanding. My kids go apeshit if you just say we're going to Chick-Fil-A. For a long time, my daughter's favorite toys were rocks she'd found around our front sidewalk. If there are like two other people there, and a balloon, and they sing a song, it'll be a fun party for the kid. He'll have a blast. Anything more than that, the fun is marginal, to be honest.
The classic kid's birthday party move is to give invitations to the kid's daycare teacher and have the teacher put one in each classmate's bag to take home. When the kid gets to be five or six, absolutely do this. But for a three-year-old? Not necessary.
One thing I'm picking up that might just be my own priors is that you said "the kid's gone from big party to no party now". The truth of that statement can't be determined from what you provided, because you also said "she [the ex]'ll do something at night". It's quite possible this kid will still have a rip-roaring birthday party with his mom. What this sounds like to me (and again, I have my reasons for thinking this) is that you/your BF are worried that whatever the ex plans in the evening is going to be cooler than BF's plans in the morning, and that's gonna cause the kid to like being around his mom more than around your BF. If that's what you're thinking, stop immediately. Co-parenting is not a competition, and making it into one is really destructive for the child, but also for the parent. Three year old kids love both their parents. If you or your BF make it into a competition, it's one that no one will win.
posted by kevinbelt at 12:57 PM on February 24, 2023 [6 favorites]
avoid overthinking a 3 year old’s birthday party
These are the right answers.
My son turned three last summer. We threw a party for him, complete with Lion King (his favorite movie) decorations and masks at my brother-in-law's house (has a pool). The guest list was just family (us, my mother-in-law, brother-in-law and family, and one of my wife's sisters), plus one family who has kids the same age as both of ours (the kids have gotten to be friends since then, but weren't at the time), and another family who has a daughter that my daughter is friends with (whom the birthday boy didn't know). Six months on, I doubt my son could tell you anyone off the guest list aside from me, my wife, and his older sister. Probably not even his grandmother. He does remember that he got certain things as birthday gifts, but he hilariously mixes up who gave him the gifts. He really just spent the whole day in a floaty thing in the pool, and that was good enough for him.
Kids aren't demanding. My kids go apeshit if you just say we're going to Chick-Fil-A. For a long time, my daughter's favorite toys were rocks she'd found around our front sidewalk. If there are like two other people there, and a balloon, and they sing a song, it'll be a fun party for the kid. He'll have a blast. Anything more than that, the fun is marginal, to be honest.
The classic kid's birthday party move is to give invitations to the kid's daycare teacher and have the teacher put one in each classmate's bag to take home. When the kid gets to be five or six, absolutely do this. But for a three-year-old? Not necessary.
One thing I'm picking up that might just be my own priors is that you said "the kid's gone from big party to no party now". The truth of that statement can't be determined from what you provided, because you also said "she [the ex]'ll do something at night". It's quite possible this kid will still have a rip-roaring birthday party with his mom. What this sounds like to me (and again, I have my reasons for thinking this) is that you/your BF are worried that whatever the ex plans in the evening is going to be cooler than BF's plans in the morning, and that's gonna cause the kid to like being around his mom more than around your BF. If that's what you're thinking, stop immediately. Co-parenting is not a competition, and making it into one is really destructive for the child, but also for the parent. Three year old kids love both their parents. If you or your BF make it into a competition, it's one that no one will win.
posted by kevinbelt at 12:57 PM on February 24, 2023 [6 favorites]
the only thing you can usefully do here is remind your boyfriend that his son just needs to feel loved and happy on his birthday (and every day.) That means the boyfriend should NOT get weird about this, make any apologies or criticisms or acknowledgements of any disappointment. Stop "validating his frustrations" and tell him to focus on being positive for the kid's sake.
A party for a 3 year old can be a special meal (breakfast time means waffles with ice cream are an option!) and balloons and a cake with candles to blow out. If this is done at a restaurant or park, even better.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:10 PM on February 24, 2023 [8 favorites]
A party for a 3 year old can be a special meal (breakfast time means waffles with ice cream are an option!) and balloons and a cake with candles to blow out. If this is done at a restaurant or park, even better.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:10 PM on February 24, 2023 [8 favorites]
There's a lot of BS social pressure to have big birthday parties for very young kids these days that doesn't hold up to much scrutiny, since they barely notice whether they're at McDonald's with two other kids or at a catered event with 20.
Maybe try to identify your bf's budget and look for something awesome he wouldn't normally spring for that just the two of them could enjoy. When my kiddo was six, we were in a weird place with making friends because he had changed schools. We went to a kiddie-level amusement park near us and ate all the garbage and bought all the souvenirs. He still talks about it.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 1:19 PM on February 24, 2023 [11 favorites]
Maybe try to identify your bf's budget and look for something awesome he wouldn't normally spring for that just the two of them could enjoy. When my kiddo was six, we were in a weird place with making friends because he had changed schools. We went to a kiddie-level amusement park near us and ate all the garbage and bought all the souvenirs. He still talks about it.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 1:19 PM on February 24, 2023 [11 favorites]
If the big event is later in the day, then your BF should emphasize the focused, one-on-one time they can have in the morning.
3-y.o.'s are very simple people. I would suggest that BF take the kid out to breakfast and then to the zoo (or something similar), and lean into the "just you and me" feel.
A kid that young won't remember details, but the feeling of closeness will be strong. Have them take some selfies during this, and then keep those on display afterwards.
posted by wenestvedt at 1:26 PM on February 24, 2023 [6 favorites]
3-y.o.'s are very simple people. I would suggest that BF take the kid out to breakfast and then to the zoo (or something similar), and lean into the "just you and me" feel.
A kid that young won't remember details, but the feeling of closeness will be strong. Have them take some selfies during this, and then keep those on display afterwards.
posted by wenestvedt at 1:26 PM on February 24, 2023 [6 favorites]
Do something special, just the two of them. BF should turn his phone off during this time. Go to the zoo, ride the train AND go on the carousel AND get like three stuffies at the gift shop.
You might consider doing this on a different day though, if you don’t want to hand off an exhausted kid who will melt down at an afternoon party.
posted by rockindata at 1:27 PM on February 24, 2023 [7 favorites]
You might consider doing this on a different day though, if you don’t want to hand off an exhausted kid who will melt down at an afternoon party.
posted by rockindata at 1:27 PM on February 24, 2023 [7 favorites]
Invite the class from pre-school/daycare over to the giant property, put out a bubble machine and blow up a bunch of balloons, provide pizza and cake. Party lasts 1.5 hours. You are done. Child is thrilled.
posted by Toddles at 1:46 PM on February 24, 2023
posted by Toddles at 1:46 PM on February 24, 2023
My son's got a summer birthday. The first 2 years we did reasonably elaborate parties at home but after that we just started doing them at a local park. They're pretty simple, some outdoor games, pizza and other food (ie nothing too fancy), and then a cake of some kind, but I don't think a kid needs anything more than being able to run around and play with their friends as much as they want with some food and drink thrown in. My kid will be 9 this year and I've already asked him if he wants to do something different for his birthday and he still just wants to have his party in the park.
If your BF has a large party it doesn't even have to be at the park they can just do it on the property. If they could rent some attraction like a bouncy castle then I'm pretty sure that would be sufficient to make it the best birthday ever as long as they're able to get at least a few other kids to come. Does the birthday boy go to daycare or anywhere else they might have other kids that could come to the party? He could be happy playing with adults too but I think it would be pretty much a certainty if some other kids were there.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 1:49 PM on February 24, 2023
If your BF has a large party it doesn't even have to be at the park they can just do it on the property. If they could rent some attraction like a bouncy castle then I'm pretty sure that would be sufficient to make it the best birthday ever as long as they're able to get at least a few other kids to come. Does the birthday boy go to daycare or anywhere else they might have other kids that could come to the party? He could be happy playing with adults too but I think it would be pretty much a certainty if some other kids were there.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 1:49 PM on February 24, 2023
I came up with a rough guideline for my kids that you can have as many kids over as years you are turning, so when my kid turned three, that meant three friends for his "party." We never did the whole huge party with adult thing, and I think it's not necessarily good to do that. Kids will respond to what adults make a fuss over. A "party" can be a scavenger hunt or obstacle course on his large property with a few other kids and adult friends who are playful and down to have fun (and plenty of adults without kids might enjoy something like this too). Honestly, I'd love it now if someone did that for me, ha.
Also, friend, you sound overly involved in the ex and kid drama of a man whose kid you haven't met. I don't know how long you've been dating, but it's not a good sign when someone is complaining a lot about his ex and processing his old relationship with you. This is a great opportunity for him to be an active, engaged father, without needing his ex or his girlfriend to figure this out for him.
Almost all the party attendees would've been from her circle of family/friends, who love the bf but have essentially been forbidden by the ex to see him unless she's around... The dissolution of the party appears to be part of a pattern of self-centred behaviour with the ex-wife though I'm not sure if it's new or continued - the marriage ended with infidelity on her part, she didn't bother to let the dogs in/give their medication the other day til late night while the BF was away because she was too busy chatting with a new guy
People aren't always the most reliable narrators of what went wrong in a marriage. In a case where the ex is all bad, tread carefully. The ex's family loves him? But they're totally cutting him off because the bad ex said to? Really? Also, how do you know the reason she didn't let the dogs in is because of a new guy? Did she tell him that or did he make that up? Listen to how a man talks about his ex-wife, because it tells you a lot about how he regards women generally, and how he'll talk about you one day, most likely. And, if she's so unreliable and this is such a contentious divorce, why is he counting on her for dog care? And sometimes affairs happen after a long pattern of other relationship problems, and again, that's rarely the cause of one person in the relationship.
Of course there are folks in this world who aren't great, but relationships and marriages are incredibly complex. If she's so self-centered and incapable, how is it that he doesn't know how to organize a birthday party for the kid, you know?
It's great to listen and be a sounding board, but please take note of how much anger and bitterness he's expressing about his co-parent and how much emotional labor he's asking you to do in listening to him talk about his divorce.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:12 PM on February 24, 2023 [27 favorites]
Also, friend, you sound overly involved in the ex and kid drama of a man whose kid you haven't met. I don't know how long you've been dating, but it's not a good sign when someone is complaining a lot about his ex and processing his old relationship with you. This is a great opportunity for him to be an active, engaged father, without needing his ex or his girlfriend to figure this out for him.
Almost all the party attendees would've been from her circle of family/friends, who love the bf but have essentially been forbidden by the ex to see him unless she's around... The dissolution of the party appears to be part of a pattern of self-centred behaviour with the ex-wife though I'm not sure if it's new or continued - the marriage ended with infidelity on her part, she didn't bother to let the dogs in/give their medication the other day til late night while the BF was away because she was too busy chatting with a new guy
People aren't always the most reliable narrators of what went wrong in a marriage. In a case where the ex is all bad, tread carefully. The ex's family loves him? But they're totally cutting him off because the bad ex said to? Really? Also, how do you know the reason she didn't let the dogs in is because of a new guy? Did she tell him that or did he make that up? Listen to how a man talks about his ex-wife, because it tells you a lot about how he regards women generally, and how he'll talk about you one day, most likely. And, if she's so unreliable and this is such a contentious divorce, why is he counting on her for dog care? And sometimes affairs happen after a long pattern of other relationship problems, and again, that's rarely the cause of one person in the relationship.
Of course there are folks in this world who aren't great, but relationships and marriages are incredibly complex. If she's so self-centered and incapable, how is it that he doesn't know how to organize a birthday party for the kid, you know?
It's great to listen and be a sounding board, but please take note of how much anger and bitterness he's expressing about his co-parent and how much emotional labor he's asking you to do in listening to him talk about his divorce.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:12 PM on February 24, 2023 [27 favorites]
I'm a new girlfriend who hasn't passed the requisite time in the vetting period for meeting the kid yet so I won't be present for the party.
This makes me think you need to stay out of it and not try to play a role in any party planning. It seems that in this situation you should just focus on being a supportive, rational, partner to your boyfriend. Within reason, be a listening ear and a shoulder, but not another person involved with issues about his child.
posted by fies at 2:16 PM on February 24, 2023 [8 favorites]
This makes me think you need to stay out of it and not try to play a role in any party planning. It seems that in this situation you should just focus on being a supportive, rational, partner to your boyfriend. Within reason, be a listening ear and a shoulder, but not another person involved with issues about his child.
posted by fies at 2:16 PM on February 24, 2023 [8 favorites]
Sorry for the double post, and I hope this doesn't seem unkind, but re-reading your post, I just noticed you called him "My almost-divorced BF".
Given that you aren't permitted to meet his child yet or attend this party, I do hope he has told you the truth about his relationship status and pending divorce. Take care of yourself.
posted by fies at 2:25 PM on February 24, 2023 [11 favorites]
Given that you aren't permitted to meet his child yet or attend this party, I do hope he has told you the truth about his relationship status and pending divorce. Take care of yourself.
posted by fies at 2:25 PM on February 24, 2023 [11 favorites]
bluedaisy has said everything I was thinking about the boyfriend and rockindata has said everything I was thinking about the child.
Three year olds do not need huge birthday parties or in most cases expect them. Three is very small and gets overwhelmed very easily. If the child is actually talking about their big party, then they're probably talking about something they have seen on TV. In that case, it would behoove Dad to ask what the child expects from a party. Is it balloons? Cake? Presents? Find out which one is most important and make it happen, one on one, maybe at the park. It sounds from what you have said that the party is still taking place; Dad is just no longer invited. So keeping the morning quiet is a real birthday gift to the child.
posted by mygothlaundry at 2:37 PM on February 24, 2023 [4 favorites]
Three year olds do not need huge birthday parties or in most cases expect them. Three is very small and gets overwhelmed very easily. If the child is actually talking about their big party, then they're probably talking about something they have seen on TV. In that case, it would behoove Dad to ask what the child expects from a party. Is it balloons? Cake? Presents? Find out which one is most important and make it happen, one on one, maybe at the park. It sounds from what you have said that the party is still taking place; Dad is just no longer invited. So keeping the morning quiet is a real birthday gift to the child.
posted by mygothlaundry at 2:37 PM on February 24, 2023 [4 favorites]
At 3 years old, they don’t have a real concept of birthday parties. Making this about the kid’s feelings about the birthday is disingenous because they don’t have any. This is entirely a power struggle between two adults and only adult feelings will be hurt UNLESS someone goes out of their way to tell a three year old that he should be sad about the party situation.
I mean, also stay out of it with your new girlfriend privilege, but it does not HAVE to be a big deal.
posted by chiquitita at 5:45 PM on February 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
I mean, also stay out of it with your new girlfriend privilege, but it does not HAVE to be a big deal.
posted by chiquitita at 5:45 PM on February 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
I'm totally skipping the inter-adult drama except to say others have already made good comments.
FOR THE 3YO CHILD I'd suggest having two birthdays, one with dad and another with mom. That'll be more fun for the kid: "I got TWO BIRTHDAYS" and much easier for both parents.
At three, the kid really has no clue about exact dates and barely even knows what a birthday is except that it's something fun. Just make it a fun day please.
posted by anadem at 7:24 PM on February 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
FOR THE 3YO CHILD I'd suggest having two birthdays, one with dad and another with mom. That'll be more fun for the kid: "I got TWO BIRTHDAYS" and much easier for both parents.
At three, the kid really has no clue about exact dates and barely even knows what a birthday is except that it's something fun. Just make it a fun day please.
posted by anadem at 7:24 PM on February 24, 2023 [2 favorites]
Go someplace special. If there are several adults present, this is actually an ideal time for a low-key 1st meeting as a friend of Dad's, not as Dad's GF. Is there a ChuckECheese, McDonalds w/ play area, play space nearby? 3 year olds get short parties with a structure. Play Time, Food, Cake, Ice Cream, Presents, treats bags and go home. Get a bakery cake or cupcakes with his preferred superhero or theme.
Treat bags - whatever the theme is, download very line drawings. Edit speech bubbles to say Happy Birthday, %Name and Thanks for Coming to %Name's Party. photocopy @ 6-8 pages. Add 3 - 4 washable markers. Treat bags of crappy plastic crap are universally provided and universally hated by parents, whose homes are already inundated with crappy plastic crap. Exception: if you go to McDonalds, happy meal treats.
Kids care about parties when they're in school. 3 years olds really care about time with Dad, so Dad being really engaged is the best part. The nap with Dad after the party might be his favorite part.
posted by theora55 at 7:56 AM on February 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
Treat bags - whatever the theme is, download very line drawings. Edit speech bubbles to say Happy Birthday, %Name and Thanks for Coming to %Name's Party. photocopy @ 6-8 pages. Add 3 - 4 washable markers. Treat bags of crappy plastic crap are universally provided and universally hated by parents, whose homes are already inundated with crappy plastic crap. Exception: if you go to McDonalds, happy meal treats.
Kids care about parties when they're in school. 3 years olds really care about time with Dad, so Dad being really engaged is the best part. The nap with Dad after the party might be his favorite part.
posted by theora55 at 7:56 AM on February 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
I actually remember several things from when I was three, but not a birthday party. Just doing something generally fun and calling it a "party" with Dad will work. Three year olds will like some novelty and being the center of attention. They won't remember who else was there. Just make sure it's not about competing with whatever Mom may come up with- a good time with Dad is it's own special thing.
posted by oneirodynia at 3:06 PM on February 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by oneirodynia at 3:06 PM on February 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
Cake, candles, balloons, a gift, sing happy birthday, favorite food ("birthday dinner!"), 1-2 decorations from the dollar store, act excited, call it a party. A 3 year old will love it. Bonus if 1 or more person (adult or friend) can come over, but not necessary.
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 3:17 PM on February 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 3:17 PM on February 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
> I'm a new girlfriend who hasn't passed the requisite time in the vetting period for meeting the kid yet so I won't be present for the party.
OP, no, don't do this, stop! I cannot even count the number of warning sirens that are going off on this path you're walking. First of all, you're a woman taking on your BF's parental duties even though you have never even met his child. Secondly, you sound a little too emotionally entangled in your not-yet-divorced BF's family drama with his ex - like, it's one thing to sympathize with your BF for getting cheated on, but you've gone overboard when you're feeling the need to huff about her "self-centeredness" in coparenting a child who is not yours and whom you have never even met.
But most egregious is the fact that you're here asking how to plan a party for a child whom you haven't even met. Please take a moment and seriously think about how inappropriate this is. Especially given the frustration and contempt you're expressing towards the child's mother, you come across as if you can't wait to jump into the role of newer and better mom to a child who - once again I must emphasize - you have not even met. What you're doing is the equivalent of a man asking the internet what engagement ring he should buy for you prior to your first ever date with him. It's much too presumptuous.
> have no idea what to say other than to validate his frustrations and offer to his distract him or listen to him.
And that is all you ever need to do. Everything else other than your partner's need for reassurance/comfort is squarely in the realm of "not your circus and not your monkeys."
OP you should on over to the subreddit r/stepparents and read through a bunch of posts there. A lot of the participants in that forum are women like you, women who don't have children of their own trying to navigate a relationship with a male partner who is a parent. I think you'll find their stories very instructive.
posted by MiraK at 11:11 AM on February 28, 2023 [2 favorites]
OP, no, don't do this, stop! I cannot even count the number of warning sirens that are going off on this path you're walking. First of all, you're a woman taking on your BF's parental duties even though you have never even met his child. Secondly, you sound a little too emotionally entangled in your not-yet-divorced BF's family drama with his ex - like, it's one thing to sympathize with your BF for getting cheated on, but you've gone overboard when you're feeling the need to huff about her "self-centeredness" in coparenting a child who is not yours and whom you have never even met.
But most egregious is the fact that you're here asking how to plan a party for a child whom you haven't even met. Please take a moment and seriously think about how inappropriate this is. Especially given the frustration and contempt you're expressing towards the child's mother, you come across as if you can't wait to jump into the role of newer and better mom to a child who - once again I must emphasize - you have not even met. What you're doing is the equivalent of a man asking the internet what engagement ring he should buy for you prior to your first ever date with him. It's much too presumptuous.
> have no idea what to say other than to validate his frustrations and offer to his distract him or listen to him.
And that is all you ever need to do. Everything else other than your partner's need for reassurance/comfort is squarely in the realm of "not your circus and not your monkeys."
OP you should on over to the subreddit r/stepparents and read through a bunch of posts there. A lot of the participants in that forum are women like you, women who don't have children of their own trying to navigate a relationship with a male partner who is a parent. I think you'll find their stories very instructive.
posted by MiraK at 11:11 AM on February 28, 2023 [2 favorites]
(I feel I should explain: on r/stepparents, the stories will be instructive if you read them as if you're a sociologist or perhaps an alien who is trying to spot the broad patterns and decipher the underlying meanings of those patterns. For instance you might notice how most women are embroiled in conflict with their male partner's ex, the birth mom. If you were reading from the perspective of just yourself, you might feel validated and vindicated in your loathing for your BF's ex. Yeah! Birth moms are evil incarnate! But if you read from the perspective of an alien sociologist, you might notice there is a pattern of dads offloading their parental duties onto female partners, which is what sets up and sustains the conflict between stepmom and birthmom. That's an insight which may help you better your own relationship.)
posted by MiraK at 11:54 AM on February 28, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by MiraK at 11:54 AM on February 28, 2023 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I’m sorry this is happening for the kid’s sake.
I may be wrong but I don’t think there’s much you should do here.
posted by miles1972 at 12:05 PM on February 24, 2023 [27 favorites]