Help me make myself clear
February 22, 2023 4:17 AM Subscribe
I have this way of speaking in long, winding sentences, often containing multipe subordinate clauses. I would like to talk in shorter sentences, as I sometimes get lost and forget how to gramatically correct end my sentence. But How?
This doesn´t just happen when I have casual open-ended conversations with my husband over a glass of wine, when one could argue that I simply don´t know what exactly I want to say yet when I start my sentences. Instead, this is also happening in professional situations, where I usually think very hard about what I want to say, as I am in a mental health profession.
I have looked into books and seminars on rhethoric but found most to be about public/keynote speaking (i.e. how to be more charismatic or less nervous) and less about one-on-one situations. Do you have any resources or advice on what helped you change the way you speak? Thank you in advance, MeFites!
This doesn´t just happen when I have casual open-ended conversations with my husband over a glass of wine, when one could argue that I simply don´t know what exactly I want to say yet when I start my sentences. Instead, this is also happening in professional situations, where I usually think very hard about what I want to say, as I am in a mental health profession.
I have looked into books and seminars on rhethoric but found most to be about public/keynote speaking (i.e. how to be more charismatic or less nervous) and less about one-on-one situations. Do you have any resources or advice on what helped you change the way you speak? Thank you in advance, MeFites!
Read some Hemingway. Or Elmore Leonard, Dashiell Hammett, any author well-known for quality unadorned prose: that will give you good exposure to people speaking directly and succinctly, and in my experience what I read absolutely seeps into my speech habits.
posted by SaltySalticid at 5:08 AM on February 22, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by SaltySalticid at 5:08 AM on February 22, 2023 [2 favorites]
I think good deployment of eye contact can help when you are speaking. Looking at the person or people you are talking to more frequently than you might otherwise - not less than 50% of the time - pays off in terms of giving you more credibility and checking whether others have understood you. But it also lets you see when others are waiting to say something.
posted by rongorongo at 5:14 AM on February 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by rongorongo at 5:14 AM on February 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
I’ve noticed that often I start “at the beginning”, giving the background of an issue and going through the “I tried this first” and “then that happened” because I want listeners to understand that I really thought a lot about this issue when actually most people just want you to cut to the chase and hear your conclusion. So, “we should do X because of Y and Z”. Then if they want more in depth, they can ask. I’m sure I’ll remember to use this technique any day now.
posted by TWinbrook8 at 5:24 AM on February 22, 2023 [24 favorites]
posted by TWinbrook8 at 5:24 AM on February 22, 2023 [24 favorites]
You seek active voice.
My colleague rambles. Our teammates struggle to understand. I sometimes interrupt my colleague to "set the stage" by introducing the players:
"I see, so there's the [noun subject]?" Right. "And then there's the [other noun subject]?" Right. "Tell us more about what the [noun subject] does and then what the [other noun subject] does."
Even when [noun subject] isn't a person or physical object, the active narrative focuses concepts on first principles and forces a linear progression.
This technique stems from examining witnesses in the legal context. There are many resources on the topic.
posted by GPF at 5:29 AM on February 22, 2023 [5 favorites]
My colleague rambles. Our teammates struggle to understand. I sometimes interrupt my colleague to "set the stage" by introducing the players:
"I see, so there's the [noun subject]?" Right. "And then there's the [other noun subject]?" Right. "Tell us more about what the [noun subject] does and then what the [other noun subject] does."
Even when [noun subject] isn't a person or physical object, the active narrative focuses concepts on first principles and forces a linear progression.
This technique stems from examining witnesses in the legal context. There are many resources on the topic.
posted by GPF at 5:29 AM on February 22, 2023 [5 favorites]
This is an anxiety-driven behavior. (I struggle with it myself, just look at how long my average answers are on Ask.) We want to make sure that we provide a "complete finished pearl of wisdom" to people, or even if we're asking a question it's basically got to be a full formal research statement with every parameter and permutation and variable identified.
It's like the weird irrational part of our brain thinks if someone needs to ask questions when we're done speaking, that means we failed to communicate. So to avoid that horrifying possibility, we keep clarifying and elaborating to cover every possible question that may arise, or doubt people might have.
So the core attitude shift that's needed is to remind ourselves: this is a conversation, not a monologue. By definition there HAS to be engagement from all parties.
A concrete strategy that sometimes works for me is to take a minute or two before starting to specify the objective of the conversation/question/meeting/email. *Not what I want to say*, but a one-sentence ideal outcome. And then I just say that sentence and force myself to stop talking, let people react to it, etc. Once the conversation starts happening, I usually find it's quite easy to maintain the mental groove of collaboration.
posted by MiraK at 5:37 AM on February 22, 2023 [32 favorites]
It's like the weird irrational part of our brain thinks if someone needs to ask questions when we're done speaking, that means we failed to communicate. So to avoid that horrifying possibility, we keep clarifying and elaborating to cover every possible question that may arise, or doubt people might have.
So the core attitude shift that's needed is to remind ourselves: this is a conversation, not a monologue. By definition there HAS to be engagement from all parties.
A concrete strategy that sometimes works for me is to take a minute or two before starting to specify the objective of the conversation/question/meeting/email. *Not what I want to say*, but a one-sentence ideal outcome. And then I just say that sentence and force myself to stop talking, let people react to it, etc. Once the conversation starts happening, I usually find it's quite easy to maintain the mental groove of collaboration.
posted by MiraK at 5:37 AM on February 22, 2023 [32 favorites]
Something I've noticed with some mental health professionals who do this is that it seems like they're uncomfortable with silence. Rather than asking a question or making a statement and letting the other person (not always just clients) process it for a moment, they immediately jump into asking it a slightly different way, and then providing background info, then asking it a third way, and then explaining why they're asking... And the sentences get more complicated with each level. It helps me to remember that grappling with a question, suggestion, or reflection is a hugely important part of the process of change or therapy or recovery, and I am robbing the other person of that if I rush in with more words. If they're confused, they can ask, or I can figure that out from their response. But I have to give them room to think, first.
So maybe just experiment with leaving silence after sentences. (It'll feel weird. That's ok.)
posted by lapis at 6:24 AM on February 22, 2023 [6 favorites]
So maybe just experiment with leaving silence after sentences. (It'll feel weird. That's ok.)
posted by lapis at 6:24 AM on February 22, 2023 [6 favorites]
Get control of your language grammatically by practicing these simple three activities:
1. Practice diagramming sentences. Make it a hobby.
2. Practice writing and speaking your own language in very simple constructions: subject-verb-object/subordinate clause. Make it a hobby.
3. Practice making sure the subject of your sentences is specific, not vague, and that your verb is active, not passive.
Get control of your rambling mind and speech by practicing these five principles of right speech:
1. Speak only at the right time.
2. Speak only core truths.
3. Speak only with kindness.
4. Speak only with good intent.
5. Speak only with good will.
Otherwise, look for writing and resources that focus explicitly on clarity. This one is one of the best.
posted by desert exile at 6:28 AM on February 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
1. Practice diagramming sentences. Make it a hobby.
2. Practice writing and speaking your own language in very simple constructions: subject-verb-object/subordinate clause. Make it a hobby.
3. Practice making sure the subject of your sentences is specific, not vague, and that your verb is active, not passive.
Get control of your rambling mind and speech by practicing these five principles of right speech:
1. Speak only at the right time.
2. Speak only core truths.
3. Speak only with kindness.
4. Speak only with good intent.
5. Speak only with good will.
Otherwise, look for writing and resources that focus explicitly on clarity. This one is one of the best.
posted by desert exile at 6:28 AM on February 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
I tend to speak in overly convoluted sentences mostly when I'm afraid I'm going to be interrupted before I can finish my thought. As an afab person, this is not actually an unfounded worry - all too often, if (not always but especially) men hear a full stop, they'll jump in.
My solution has been to take a beat before I speak and enumerate my points. This amuses my partner to no end, but it gives the listener information with which to listen. If I say "I have two angles on this" and then begin, the listener knows that I'm not stopping once I finish one sentence. Folks of all genders seem to me to listen more closely, and give a little more space for me to finish the core of what I need to say. Then there is room for questions and further elaborations.
It works for me, ymmv.
posted by Vigilant at 6:48 AM on February 22, 2023 [9 favorites]
My solution has been to take a beat before I speak and enumerate my points. This amuses my partner to no end, but it gives the listener information with which to listen. If I say "I have two angles on this" and then begin, the listener knows that I'm not stopping once I finish one sentence. Folks of all genders seem to me to listen more closely, and give a little more space for me to finish the core of what I need to say. Then there is room for questions and further elaborations.
It works for me, ymmv.
posted by Vigilant at 6:48 AM on February 22, 2023 [9 favorites]
Good comments so far. Yes to reading Hemingway, although what I'd actually suggest is to read *parodies* of Hemingway. Hemingway has the reputation for really simple prose, but he does use adverbs and stuff. It's not always just subject-verb. The parodies, which take his style and go even more minimal, are even more succinct, with the added benefit of not actually being about war or hunting or bullfighting or masculinity, if that's not your thing.
Yes to scripting, although not a word-for-word script. Just write down a couple words each in bullet points. So for the previous paragraph, you could say "yes hemingway", "parodies", "more minimal", "not about man stuff". And then when you practice reading the script (you should practice), add just enough words to make the sentences coherent. If you just say "yes Hemingway", people will think you're a caveman. But saying "yes to reading Hemingway" sounds like regular speech. On the other hand, saying "yes, I absolutely do think you should read Hemingway" says the same thing, just with a lot more words.
Yes to diagramming sentences. Honestly, I think this is probably the single thing that distinguishes people who are "good at English" and people who aren't. I was lucky enough that I had teachers who drilled me on it, and as a result, I have a pretty solid command of what's doing what. This is true even when I'm not being particularly concise. Look at this comment so far: I've written dependent clauses in every other sentence, tons of coordinating conjunctions, an appositive phrase, a parenthetical. I started a sentence with an adverb. The Hemingway purists would hate what I've written. But it flows pretty well, doesn't it? The reason is because I know why I'm doing all those things. The last sentence of my first paragraph has four separate clauses, but it's not a run-on sentence. I put all those clauses there to organize the thought. It wasn't just throwing up everything I had to say; it was quite intentional. Diagramming sentences helps with this because it forces you to understand the function of every word, phrase, and clause in a sentence, so that you'll then be able to see when something doesn't have a purpose, and you can cut it, or move it to its own sentence. I'm not trying to say I'm perfect - especially in speech I still end long, multi-clause sentences by saying "and... yeah" - but it's been a big help for me.
One of the things I have trouble with in conversations like ones you probably have at work is that I start formulating responses while the other person is still talking, and if they keep talking for a long time, I worry that I'll forget the response I'm formulating. So what I do is to take notes as they talk. Again, nothing fancy, just a couple word bullet points. All I'm really trying to do is to remind myself of what I was thinking when I wrote it. That might be helpful for you as well.
posted by kevinbelt at 7:24 AM on February 22, 2023 [2 favorites]
Yes to scripting, although not a word-for-word script. Just write down a couple words each in bullet points. So for the previous paragraph, you could say "yes hemingway", "parodies", "more minimal", "not about man stuff". And then when you practice reading the script (you should practice), add just enough words to make the sentences coherent. If you just say "yes Hemingway", people will think you're a caveman. But saying "yes to reading Hemingway" sounds like regular speech. On the other hand, saying "yes, I absolutely do think you should read Hemingway" says the same thing, just with a lot more words.
Yes to diagramming sentences. Honestly, I think this is probably the single thing that distinguishes people who are "good at English" and people who aren't. I was lucky enough that I had teachers who drilled me on it, and as a result, I have a pretty solid command of what's doing what. This is true even when I'm not being particularly concise. Look at this comment so far: I've written dependent clauses in every other sentence, tons of coordinating conjunctions, an appositive phrase, a parenthetical. I started a sentence with an adverb. The Hemingway purists would hate what I've written. But it flows pretty well, doesn't it? The reason is because I know why I'm doing all those things. The last sentence of my first paragraph has four separate clauses, but it's not a run-on sentence. I put all those clauses there to organize the thought. It wasn't just throwing up everything I had to say; it was quite intentional. Diagramming sentences helps with this because it forces you to understand the function of every word, phrase, and clause in a sentence, so that you'll then be able to see when something doesn't have a purpose, and you can cut it, or move it to its own sentence. I'm not trying to say I'm perfect - especially in speech I still end long, multi-clause sentences by saying "and... yeah" - but it's been a big help for me.
One of the things I have trouble with in conversations like ones you probably have at work is that I start formulating responses while the other person is still talking, and if they keep talking for a long time, I worry that I'll forget the response I'm formulating. So what I do is to take notes as they talk. Again, nothing fancy, just a couple word bullet points. All I'm really trying to do is to remind myself of what I was thinking when I wrote it. That might be helpful for you as well.
posted by kevinbelt at 7:24 AM on February 22, 2023 [2 favorites]
For me in mental health settings, I actively interrupt myself if I'm beginning to lose someone or if it feels really long.
The more I actively noticed and reworded things in the moment, the better I became at expressing myself in a different succinct way. Part of it was repitition of talking about complicated subjects in accessible ways.
Usually I do the following:
1)aknowedge verbally what I did ("wow, I'm sorry that may have been unclear," "I think in lost track" etc
2) Then checking in with the person, something like did you understand what i was saying?
3)Followed by "let me try again" and try again.
This helps me gauge 1) if i was actually understandable or not and 2) give me a moment to consolidate my thoughts and try again.
Personally, I also think for some people aknowedging a mistake, apologizing and moving forward like it's no big deal is good modeling of behavior. But that's really person dependant. In any event, I've never gotten negative feedback about that approach.
posted by AlexiaSky at 7:56 AM on February 22, 2023 [5 favorites]
The more I actively noticed and reworded things in the moment, the better I became at expressing myself in a different succinct way. Part of it was repitition of talking about complicated subjects in accessible ways.
Usually I do the following:
1)aknowedge verbally what I did ("wow, I'm sorry that may have been unclear," "I think in lost track" etc
2) Then checking in with the person, something like did you understand what i was saying?
3)Followed by "let me try again" and try again.
This helps me gauge 1) if i was actually understandable or not and 2) give me a moment to consolidate my thoughts and try again.
Personally, I also think for some people aknowedging a mistake, apologizing and moving forward like it's no big deal is good modeling of behavior. But that's really person dependant. In any event, I've never gotten negative feedback about that approach.
posted by AlexiaSky at 7:56 AM on February 22, 2023 [5 favorites]
Following advice above from lapis about silence:
I get asked all the time about my communication skills at work. People want to know how to facilitate conversations, how to bring people into alignment where they weren't before, how to ask questions that people will thoughtfully respond to.
The answer is silence. Leave silence early and often for others to fill. Make your silences longer than you think they need to be. It's ok! The world keeps turning if no one is talking. Silence is what gives people space to think of an answer or a reaction or a question.
Practice like this: "And now I'm going to pause and see if anyone wants to react to that." PAUSE FOR LIKE 10 WHOLE SECONDS. "No? Ok, sounds like it's ok to move to the next thing." And very often, someone will have thought of their question just as you resume speaking.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 8:04 AM on February 22, 2023 [8 favorites]
I get asked all the time about my communication skills at work. People want to know how to facilitate conversations, how to bring people into alignment where they weren't before, how to ask questions that people will thoughtfully respond to.
The answer is silence. Leave silence early and often for others to fill. Make your silences longer than you think they need to be. It's ok! The world keeps turning if no one is talking. Silence is what gives people space to think of an answer or a reaction or a question.
Practice like this: "And now I'm going to pause and see if anyone wants to react to that." PAUSE FOR LIKE 10 WHOLE SECONDS. "No? Ok, sounds like it's ok to move to the next thing." And very often, someone will have thought of their question just as you resume speaking.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 8:04 AM on February 22, 2023 [8 favorites]
Pausing is the answer.
Not only because it's what's missing, but because it's an easy, active thing you can do (rather than trying to refrain from something else.) Much easier to do a thing than try to fight a compulsion.
If you've been talking for more than 15 seconds, just stop. Also stop after any complete sentence (especially the type described above, where [subject] [does something to] [object.] Wait for others to respond.
Their responses will help shape your conversation so it gets where it needs to go rather than winding endlessly around your spindle.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:26 AM on February 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
Not only because it's what's missing, but because it's an easy, active thing you can do (rather than trying to refrain from something else.) Much easier to do a thing than try to fight a compulsion.
If you've been talking for more than 15 seconds, just stop. Also stop after any complete sentence (especially the type described above, where [subject] [does something to] [object.] Wait for others to respond.
Their responses will help shape your conversation so it gets where it needs to go rather than winding endlessly around your spindle.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:26 AM on February 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
Put your point, request, conclusion, etc. as succinctly as possible at the beginning of your (sentence/talk/presentation point or slide/letter/email). Expound on it from there. "We need to make sure our organization formally goes on the record about this issue. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and... (begin winding communication you're comfortable with).
Use these up-front assertions as organizing structures for speaking in blocks. To the extent you're able, mentally organize your thoughts in with the points they're best supporting.
This is a very business-centric style but it serves other situations well.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 8:44 AM on February 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
Use these up-front assertions as organizing structures for speaking in blocks. To the extent you're able, mentally organize your thoughts in with the points they're best supporting.
This is a very business-centric style but it serves other situations well.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 8:44 AM on February 22, 2023 [1 favorite]
If you can record yourself in a meeting (maybe easiest in a Zoom meeting when you have headphones on and you're only recording your own voice), you could try quickly transcribing it with something like Otter, and then it might be helpful to read it through and think about how you could have said it differently. You could even try dropping the text into Hemingway, which is an app for writing but might also have good suggestions for making sentences shorter and easier to understand.
posted by pinochiette at 9:12 AM on February 22, 2023
posted by pinochiette at 9:12 AM on February 22, 2023
I would like to talk in shorter sentences, as I sometimes get lost and forget how to gramatically correct end my sentence.
I highlight this because it matters why you speak the way you do, what it is you get out of doing it the way you do. So if it's a matter of obsessive adherence to grammatical correctness, that would suggest a different solution than if it's a matter of wanting to relate better or differently to others, of wanting to be understood by others. IME the former is often related in some way to the latter, so that might be worth thinking about.
Speaking just from the mental health professional perspective, I think your instinct to pare down what you say is a good and helpful one, especially if you work directly with patients (I take it that you do, given your focus on one-on-one interactions). One thing I'd keep in mind though is that it's common to be wordier in your speech/interpretations the less experience you have. I notice a big difference in myself when I first started, vs now, going on 10 years of doing this; I also notice this in my supervisees, who are typically more advanced grad students. So if you are relatively new to this, I advise you to cut yourself some slack, at least on the professional side of things. It takes a lot of time to develop the capacity to both listen closely and speak directly to the heart of the matter without, as you say, "thinking very hard" about what you want to say.
As far as professionally focused resources on this, I would recommend reading anything by Donald Winnicott - he's fairly accessible, and an explicit proponent of speaking as succinctly as possible when intervening with patients.
posted by obliterati at 9:44 AM on February 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
I highlight this because it matters why you speak the way you do, what it is you get out of doing it the way you do. So if it's a matter of obsessive adherence to grammatical correctness, that would suggest a different solution than if it's a matter of wanting to relate better or differently to others, of wanting to be understood by others. IME the former is often related in some way to the latter, so that might be worth thinking about.
Speaking just from the mental health professional perspective, I think your instinct to pare down what you say is a good and helpful one, especially if you work directly with patients (I take it that you do, given your focus on one-on-one interactions). One thing I'd keep in mind though is that it's common to be wordier in your speech/interpretations the less experience you have. I notice a big difference in myself when I first started, vs now, going on 10 years of doing this; I also notice this in my supervisees, who are typically more advanced grad students. So if you are relatively new to this, I advise you to cut yourself some slack, at least on the professional side of things. It takes a lot of time to develop the capacity to both listen closely and speak directly to the heart of the matter without, as you say, "thinking very hard" about what you want to say.
As far as professionally focused resources on this, I would recommend reading anything by Donald Winnicott - he's fairly accessible, and an explicit proponent of speaking as succinctly as possible when intervening with patients.
posted by obliterati at 9:44 AM on February 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
You could familiarise yourself with the Inverted Pyramid format used in news journalism, and practice writing short pieces with it, see if you can internalise it as a way to organise your thoughts.
The basic principle is that in the days of print, any story might need to be cut shorter at the last minute if another one broke and needed space on the page just before deadline. Ideally, this should be achievable without any time-consuming re-writing: A story should be constructed so that it can simply be cut at any point from the bottom up (depending how much extra space is needed) and still make sense. So the most important piece of information goes at the start of the first sentence, followed by the next most important, and so on. By the end you're just filling out the background information. It's the reverse of fiction or essay-writing, where you leave the best til last, or work towards a conclusion.
It's also used because most people browsing a newspaper don't read to the end of every story, so you have to assume the reader might stop as any point mid-story. What they've read has to stand as a perfect story in its own right, no matter where they stop.
posted by penguin pie at 10:04 AM on February 22, 2023 [5 favorites]
The basic principle is that in the days of print, any story might need to be cut shorter at the last minute if another one broke and needed space on the page just before deadline. Ideally, this should be achievable without any time-consuming re-writing: A story should be constructed so that it can simply be cut at any point from the bottom up (depending how much extra space is needed) and still make sense. So the most important piece of information goes at the start of the first sentence, followed by the next most important, and so on. By the end you're just filling out the background information. It's the reverse of fiction or essay-writing, where you leave the best til last, or work towards a conclusion.
It's also used because most people browsing a newspaper don't read to the end of every story, so you have to assume the reader might stop as any point mid-story. What they've read has to stand as a perfect story in its own right, no matter where they stop.
posted by penguin pie at 10:04 AM on February 22, 2023 [5 favorites]
When I do this, it's because I'm afraid of being too blunt and having the person I'm talking to attack me for my bluntness. For me, this fear is based on past instances of being misconstrued or verbally attacked due to my communication style. (If you present as female, note that this happens especially to women, who are forcibly accultured to always be "nice".)
Explore in yourself whether there's a fear underlying your tendency to think very hard about what you say and hedge "the point" with a large amount of context and/or "softening" verbiage. Then apply some CBT to yourself to test whether that fear is justified in the circumstances in question.
posted by heatherlogan at 11:17 AM on February 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
Explore in yourself whether there's a fear underlying your tendency to think very hard about what you say and hedge "the point" with a large amount of context and/or "softening" verbiage. Then apply some CBT to yourself to test whether that fear is justified in the circumstances in question.
posted by heatherlogan at 11:17 AM on February 22, 2023 [4 favorites]
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Honestly, the best solution was to have a rough script (which is not always possible) and to make one point or comment and then lightly bite my tongue for four seconds before saying my next point - long enough to stop my brain from blurting out whatever else was on my mind. I found by doing this regularly it helped me fall into a better cadence of speaking.
It's not easy to change but that is the tactic that helped me the most.
posted by fortitude25 at 4:53 AM on February 22, 2023 [5 favorites]