Managing feelings about partner crises on special days
February 18, 2023 8:50 AM Subscribe
As the partner of someone who struggles with mental health problems (especially if they’re in waiting list limbo, for care, as in they don’t have access to any atm), how do you handle feelings about special days going sour because of mental health crises?
It is quite obviously not their fault. But sometimes you can’t help but feel sad or even frustrated when big days go bad.
I usually handle things reasonably well, but on this occasion, I was pouty and angry. Ironic or really, hypocritical considering I am asking him to regulate and he’s the one with the real struggles. My context (not defence) is I might be a little burnt out from caregiving for SO and parent and haven’t been able to do much in the way of self care (unless it’s a shower). (Have been to the hospital four times since Jan for different people.)
In addition to self regulating and reframing in the moment, drawing on supports, and doing better wrt self care and accessing resources, do you do like a do-over day? My child like pouty self kind of felt like “oh great, special day was ruined, again”. (My more evolved self understands it’s not anyone’s fault except maybe the people’s who voted in an asshole government bent on redirecting funds for healthcare towards whatever corrupt ends.) But yeah for the first time in five years, I directed my anger towards my partner which was an asshole move. Not his fault he had a crisis. Have apologized profusely, still feel bad.
It is quite obviously not their fault. But sometimes you can’t help but feel sad or even frustrated when big days go bad.
I usually handle things reasonably well, but on this occasion, I was pouty and angry. Ironic or really, hypocritical considering I am asking him to regulate and he’s the one with the real struggles. My context (not defence) is I might be a little burnt out from caregiving for SO and parent and haven’t been able to do much in the way of self care (unless it’s a shower). (Have been to the hospital four times since Jan for different people.)
In addition to self regulating and reframing in the moment, drawing on supports, and doing better wrt self care and accessing resources, do you do like a do-over day? My child like pouty self kind of felt like “oh great, special day was ruined, again”. (My more evolved self understands it’s not anyone’s fault except maybe the people’s who voted in an asshole government bent on redirecting funds for healthcare towards whatever corrupt ends.) But yeah for the first time in five years, I directed my anger towards my partner which was an asshole move. Not his fault he had a crisis. Have apologized profusely, still feel bad.
Best answer: Should you be an *inexhaustible* fountain of caretaking instead? I agree, it sounds like you are starting to get burnt out. And I agree, it would be nice to have a birthday / Valentine’s Day / holiday / etc. that doesn’t go sour.
Your reaction is a warning shot that what you are doing is not going to work well forever, proceed accordingly.
And it is NOT sick that you have expectations. Where did that come from?
posted by Vatnesine at 9:12 AM on February 18, 2023 [39 favorites]
Your reaction is a warning shot that what you are doing is not going to work well forever, proceed accordingly.
And it is NOT sick that you have expectations. Where did that come from?
posted by Vatnesine at 9:12 AM on February 18, 2023 [39 favorites]
You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
I tried it. It ended poorly. And should have ended much sooner.
posted by humbug at 9:13 AM on February 18, 2023 [20 favorites]
I tried it. It ended poorly. And should have ended much sooner.
posted by humbug at 9:13 AM on February 18, 2023 [20 favorites]
Maybe it's my personal biases, but I have a hard time seeing "special days with heavy expectations" as anything but negative. They end up extremely fraught because you want them to be just right, and reality almost never works that way. I feel like I'm going to get piled on for "lower your expectations," but.. maybe lower your expectations? Like, my wife and I are both working really long hours for the past several years. We did super low-key valentine's day. We typically exchange gifts (she got me a candle in a funny holder, mainly because the holder was funny; I got her one of her favorite foods and a cute stuffed animal) and spend some time together, but don't stress out about The Perfect Dinner and Perfect Sex, or whatever. We're human, we're messy, it's never as good as society tells you it's supposed to be. We're both happier when we try to do little nice things rather than make a big production of it.
That said, if your partner can't be arsed to do even a small thing for you when you express that it's important to recognize the day in some way, that's crappy and I don't blame you for being frustrated. I think it's worth having a conversation along the lines of "hey, it's important to me to do something here, can we [small thing]?" If he's unwilling to meet you even part way after talking about it, that's at least a yellow, if not red, flag.
posted by Alterscape at 9:14 AM on February 18, 2023 [7 favorites]
That said, if your partner can't be arsed to do even a small thing for you when you express that it's important to recognize the day in some way, that's crappy and I don't blame you for being frustrated. I think it's worth having a conversation along the lines of "hey, it's important to me to do something here, can we [small thing]?" If he's unwilling to meet you even part way after talking about it, that's at least a yellow, if not red, flag.
posted by Alterscape at 9:14 AM on February 18, 2023 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: > Where did that come from?
If “mental health is health”, which is true, I can’t expect someone who’s suffering to magically get it together - with zero support, in year 2 of being on a waitlist for therapy - just because it happens to be a birthday or whatever. That’d be like asking someone with a more obviously physical disability to do gymnastics with no supports. Inappropriate. And asymmetrical…
On the flip side - is taking this view patronizing? How do you respect agency while acknowledging limitations?
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:17 AM on February 18, 2023
If “mental health is health”, which is true, I can’t expect someone who’s suffering to magically get it together - with zero support, in year 2 of being on a waitlist for therapy - just because it happens to be a birthday or whatever. That’d be like asking someone with a more obviously physical disability to do gymnastics with no supports. Inappropriate. And asymmetrical…
On the flip side - is taking this view patronizing? How do you respect agency while acknowledging limitations?
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:17 AM on February 18, 2023
Saying “happy Valentine’s Day” and maybe writing a card or making a pancake isn’t “gymnastics.” People with illnesses and disabilities are thoughtful and kind to their partners every day. This is a your partner problem, not an illness problem.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:24 AM on February 18, 2023 [27 favorites]
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:24 AM on February 18, 2023 [27 favorites]
Response by poster: > if your partner can't be arsed to do even a small thing for you when you express that it's important to recognize the day in some way
His depression is cynical and hostile so holidays are commercial bullshit. Birthdays are a reason for him to beat himself up for not being a better partner. High stakes days in general upset him. On a regular day - if he’s not feeling bad - he’ll shower me with compliments and affection, he’ll cook me lovely meals if I’m tired… special days though appear to be triggers. When he was working and able to do something with money, it was different. I don’t care about money or flashy gifts at ALL. Or any gifts, period, just would like to acknowledge a special day and have it go all right. One year he wrote me a beautiful song, I was over the moon. He’s just so far down the hole, it’s beyond him right now. Many layers to his situational problems including having CPTSD and being NC with dysfunctional family.
Edit: my birthday was last week so I had two sucky days.
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:26 AM on February 18, 2023
His depression is cynical and hostile so holidays are commercial bullshit. Birthdays are a reason for him to beat himself up for not being a better partner. High stakes days in general upset him. On a regular day - if he’s not feeling bad - he’ll shower me with compliments and affection, he’ll cook me lovely meals if I’m tired… special days though appear to be triggers. When he was working and able to do something with money, it was different. I don’t care about money or flashy gifts at ALL. Or any gifts, period, just would like to acknowledge a special day and have it go all right. One year he wrote me a beautiful song, I was over the moon. He’s just so far down the hole, it’s beyond him right now. Many layers to his situational problems including having CPTSD and being NC with dysfunctional family.
Edit: my birthday was last week so I had two sucky days.
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:26 AM on February 18, 2023
Best answer: I am the disabled partner, though my spouse deals with some things as well. We keep plans loose. We have goal plans. But sometimes they shift. I’m usually the one frustrated by it more because I just want this damn body to cooperate and often it won’t. But regardless, we both want to do something nice on some days so we make casual plans then have backup plans. And sometimes we do the fun thing another day. But we still have fun because we enjoy each others company.
An example, next month is my birthday. I kinda hate birthdays. But instead of having one day of pressure to Do Something, which is a recipe for my body to let me down, I’m taking the whole month or two. Yup. All of March and maybe April I’m going to antique stores as much as I can. As a treat. For myself. Less pressure. Hell. I may even go to the same one multiple times.
But to be honest, it doesn’t seem that your partner is in a current state to be there in that way for you, though. Are they able to make plans as backups and participate in wanting to support you when they can? If they can’t, that way lies disappointment in making ANY plans, backup or otherwise.
Or, should you make plans for yourself that don’t rely on your partner for the moment, and evaluate this after they get care? Take yourself to the museum or spa or whatever. Make plans with a friend for your birthday or whatever.
I think it is very important that you receive some relief and support from somewhere. And I think it’s within your rights at some point to evaluate what is okay to tolerate in a relationship and where to draw boundaries for your own mental and physical health.
posted by Crystalinne at 9:33 AM on February 18, 2023 [13 favorites]
An example, next month is my birthday. I kinda hate birthdays. But instead of having one day of pressure to Do Something, which is a recipe for my body to let me down, I’m taking the whole month or two. Yup. All of March and maybe April I’m going to antique stores as much as I can. As a treat. For myself. Less pressure. Hell. I may even go to the same one multiple times.
But to be honest, it doesn’t seem that your partner is in a current state to be there in that way for you, though. Are they able to make plans as backups and participate in wanting to support you when they can? If they can’t, that way lies disappointment in making ANY plans, backup or otherwise.
Or, should you make plans for yourself that don’t rely on your partner for the moment, and evaluate this after they get care? Take yourself to the museum or spa or whatever. Make plans with a friend for your birthday or whatever.
I think it is very important that you receive some relief and support from somewhere. And I think it’s within your rights at some point to evaluate what is okay to tolerate in a relationship and where to draw boundaries for your own mental and physical health.
posted by Crystalinne at 9:33 AM on February 18, 2023 [13 favorites]
On the flip side - is taking this view patronizing? How do you respect agency while acknowledging limitations?
You recognize that your needs are important too and that others don't get a free pass to always put themselves first. It's infantilizing him. And if he can't give you what you need, ever, then it's ok to treat him like any other human being and say, "This is not working."
Relationships obviously aren't going to be 50/50 always, and sometimes they are 100/0 for stretches, but then they should balance out with times they're 0/100, or stretches where they're 25/75, if that makes sense.
It's not childlike to have emotional needs. It sounds like you're meeting his emotional needs 100% but treating your own as if they're wrong. It also sounds like he's treating your emotional needs as if they're wrong, while asking you to cater to his 100%. That's not ok.
posted by lapis at 9:34 AM on February 18, 2023 [15 favorites]
You recognize that your needs are important too and that others don't get a free pass to always put themselves first. It's infantilizing him. And if he can't give you what you need, ever, then it's ok to treat him like any other human being and say, "This is not working."
Relationships obviously aren't going to be 50/50 always, and sometimes they are 100/0 for stretches, but then they should balance out with times they're 0/100, or stretches where they're 25/75, if that makes sense.
It's not childlike to have emotional needs. It sounds like you're meeting his emotional needs 100% but treating your own as if they're wrong. It also sounds like he's treating your emotional needs as if they're wrong, while asking you to cater to his 100%. That's not ok.
posted by lapis at 9:34 AM on February 18, 2023 [15 favorites]
Response by poster: Sorry for commenting so much, last from me. “I think it is very important that you receive some relief and support from somewhere” Couldn’t agree more, I cannot express well enough how difficult it has been to get support for him and for me. Extensive, significant barriers to care exist. Legit he’s been waiting actual years. He’s on disability which is less than half of minimum wage, so he’s limited to hospital care (wait lists, endless wait lists - for intake, assessment, rerouting - months and months in between each one). He really can’t do it on his own at this point, he needs the help and isn’t getting it, and both of us are drowning while we wait.
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:46 AM on February 18, 2023
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:46 AM on February 18, 2023
Best answer: Your opening question was about how to handle feelings about special days going sour because of crises.
I handle my feelings by noting and acknowledging them, sometimes thanking them for what they show me, and then being guided – not controlled - by them. I try not to minimise my feelings or rationalise or logic my way out of them, because that doesn’t help me. It helps me to distance myself a bit, so I don’t talk myself into becoming an emotion. Its sounds a bit off, but I try to say “I feel sad” rather than “I am sad”, because that helps me know that I won’t feel this forever, and I am more than my current emotional state.
In an example like yours I would need to say “I notice I feel sad/frustrated/angry/disappointed right now” either just to myself or to my partner and I might note that though this feeling isn’t helping in the moment maybe it is telling me I need more support, self-care, help, etc. I'd try to accept that I'm feeling whatever I'm feeling, it just is.
Compassion is important to me, and I think it’s important to be kind to myself. Like you did I would apologise to my partner, but I’d also try to go easy on myself, as I know I’d do that for a friend or family member (I’m better at compassion towards others than self-compassion).
In one of your comments you mention asking someone with a more obviously physical disability to do gymnastic with no supports, as if this would be unthinkable, but if it helps, people do this all the time. They question an “obvious” apparent disability, they assume the person just needs to try harder, or they say things like ‘the only disability is a bad attitude’.
posted by narcissus_and_ambrosia at 10:05 AM on February 18, 2023 [5 favorites]
I handle my feelings by noting and acknowledging them, sometimes thanking them for what they show me, and then being guided – not controlled - by them. I try not to minimise my feelings or rationalise or logic my way out of them, because that doesn’t help me. It helps me to distance myself a bit, so I don’t talk myself into becoming an emotion. Its sounds a bit off, but I try to say “I feel sad” rather than “I am sad”, because that helps me know that I won’t feel this forever, and I am more than my current emotional state.
In an example like yours I would need to say “I notice I feel sad/frustrated/angry/disappointed right now” either just to myself or to my partner and I might note that though this feeling isn’t helping in the moment maybe it is telling me I need more support, self-care, help, etc. I'd try to accept that I'm feeling whatever I'm feeling, it just is.
Compassion is important to me, and I think it’s important to be kind to myself. Like you did I would apologise to my partner, but I’d also try to go easy on myself, as I know I’d do that for a friend or family member (I’m better at compassion towards others than self-compassion).
In one of your comments you mention asking someone with a more obviously physical disability to do gymnastic with no supports, as if this would be unthinkable, but if it helps, people do this all the time. They question an “obvious” apparent disability, they assume the person just needs to try harder, or they say things like ‘the only disability is a bad attitude’.
posted by narcissus_and_ambrosia at 10:05 AM on February 18, 2023 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I know the “being at your absolute limit” place and I’m really sorry you’re there. I hope you can find some way to do something restorative for yourself, however small, soon.
In my household, chronic mental health issues for which treatment is only partially successful means we are paradoxically both very regimented and very flexible. We have routines and we stick to them as much as possible even for special days, but also we are pretty much always ready to drop everything and go to backup plan “on the couch with takeout and no demands besides those needed to keep all the beings in the house alive”. Sometimes whatever we dropped gets picked up again on another day, sometimes it doesn’t - just depends what it was, how long the bad spell lasts, how much anyone cared about it in the first place.
Special days mostly aren’t a thing. That’s honestly mostly just personalities; we didn’t do much for holidays, birthdays, etc. even when we were much younger and both less disabled. But as an example, my birthday is next week and the one thing we do usually do is that my partner cooks the dinner of my choice. This year I can see he’s really not in a place where he’ll reliably be able to do it, and I know that if we plan for it and he can’t do it when the day comes, he’ll beat himself up about it and he’ll feel shitty and I’ll feel shitty and my birthday dinner will suck. So I’ve declared that I am choosing birthday takeout instead. I’m doing a little advance planning and level-setting for myself now to ensure my birthday has a good chance of being fine-to-nice, at the cost of knowing it won’t be Extra Special. If it still goes wrong, I will shrug and know I did what I could and sometimes shit just happens. And I’ll eat the nice cake I have ordered for myself, cry in a hot bath if I need to, and sleep it off and get on with my life, but probably would not care about any kind of do-over day.
Meds, therapy, and many many years of practice at this do most of the work here for me. Sometimes I still react less kindly than I’d like, and that’s just a time for an apology and moving on from that as well - I’m owed a bit of grace and understanding, just as my partner is and just as you are.
posted by Stacey at 10:11 AM on February 18, 2023 [10 favorites]
In my household, chronic mental health issues for which treatment is only partially successful means we are paradoxically both very regimented and very flexible. We have routines and we stick to them as much as possible even for special days, but also we are pretty much always ready to drop everything and go to backup plan “on the couch with takeout and no demands besides those needed to keep all the beings in the house alive”. Sometimes whatever we dropped gets picked up again on another day, sometimes it doesn’t - just depends what it was, how long the bad spell lasts, how much anyone cared about it in the first place.
Special days mostly aren’t a thing. That’s honestly mostly just personalities; we didn’t do much for holidays, birthdays, etc. even when we were much younger and both less disabled. But as an example, my birthday is next week and the one thing we do usually do is that my partner cooks the dinner of my choice. This year I can see he’s really not in a place where he’ll reliably be able to do it, and I know that if we plan for it and he can’t do it when the day comes, he’ll beat himself up about it and he’ll feel shitty and I’ll feel shitty and my birthday dinner will suck. So I’ve declared that I am choosing birthday takeout instead. I’m doing a little advance planning and level-setting for myself now to ensure my birthday has a good chance of being fine-to-nice, at the cost of knowing it won’t be Extra Special. If it still goes wrong, I will shrug and know I did what I could and sometimes shit just happens. And I’ll eat the nice cake I have ordered for myself, cry in a hot bath if I need to, and sleep it off and get on with my life, but probably would not care about any kind of do-over day.
Meds, therapy, and many many years of practice at this do most of the work here for me. Sometimes I still react less kindly than I’d like, and that’s just a time for an apology and moving on from that as well - I’m owed a bit of grace and understanding, just as my partner is and just as you are.
posted by Stacey at 10:11 AM on February 18, 2023 [10 favorites]
Best answer: Hey, happy birthday! (My birthday was last week, too, and it was an emotionally intense week for big scary reasons. Solidarity!)
My partner has a ton of anxiety centered around holidays, but holidays are really important to me, so I try to find ways to celebrate that are more about connecting with friends and family or celebrating my own personal traditions. Here's some stuff that has worked for me:
posted by yarntheory at 10:16 AM on February 18, 2023 [4 favorites]
My partner has a ton of anxiety centered around holidays, but holidays are really important to me, so I try to find ways to celebrate that are more about connecting with friends and family or celebrating my own personal traditions. Here's some stuff that has worked for me:
- I buy birthday flowers right before the Valentine's Day florist blackout and enjoy them throughout the week.
- There are bakeries in town that will deliver a single slice of cake.
- Exchanging non-romantic Valentines! This year I did a fanfic exchange, but my nieces are old enough to appreciate holidays, so next year I'm sending them cards too.
- This year I posted a prompt on social media and asked people to tell me funny stories on the theme of elevators. This was really fun, and I heard all kinds of good stories.
- My mom had a rule when we were kids that Christmas presents should include something you can do, and I've found this is a really good rule for stressed adults too--for instance, I asked my sister for colored pencils for my birthday and spent a happy half-hour messing around with blending shades, which I would've found hard to justify on a normal weekday. (I don't think the consumerism is necessary here, but the element of surprise does make it feel special--writing different hobbies on slips of paper and drawing one at random as a celebration might have the same effect.)
posted by yarntheory at 10:16 AM on February 18, 2023 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Consider celebrating the special days without your partner.
posted by NotLost at 10:23 AM on February 18, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by NotLost at 10:23 AM on February 18, 2023 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Both of you have legitimate needs. Our society is doing an especially poor job of meeting his. That does not make your needs somehow less legitimate or important than his. This is a challenging situation, but I do know that spending time after one of your legitimate needs is thwarted castigating yourself for even having those needs will not help. In fact, it will prevent you from thinking through how to get them met, whether within or without the confines of your current relationship.
posted by praemunire at 10:57 AM on February 18, 2023 [17 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 10:57 AM on February 18, 2023 [17 favorites]
If you are doing all the accommodating, this is a relationship between a caregiver and a care recipient, not a partnership. Partnerships are give and take, not one sided. It's ok if you are his caregiver willingly but you can't see it as a partnership then, because it's not, and that's where these expectations mess things up.
If you want this to be a partnership not a caregiving dynamic then it's ok to want and expect some efforts. He should be able to give effort even if the timing is off or he has trouble on the actual day.
I had a few years where Christmas at my in laws was deeply, unconsciously triggering for me due to implicit/body memory of family trauma and trouble accepting the environment was actually safe. I didn't want to act out but I couldn't actually help it. This is different from being so self-absorbed that you make someone else's centering about you. You can have severe depression and still set aside some of that monologue to celebrate your partner. It's not super easy but it's doable.
My partner and I have both had challenges, physical and emotional. He can be horribly depressed and struggle in everyday life but puts in some amount of effort for any special occasions I've said I want to honor somehow. The times I was acting out against my own conscious desires, I still circled back to engage the holiday in ways that seemed meaningful.
I'm sorry but it seems to me your desire to show compassion is not only causing you some burnout but it's probably enabling him as well. Unless you've mutually agreed to be his caregiver you are allowed to have expectations and allowed to say something if he is disappointing you. (I'm not suggesting to lay into him and confirm his low self worth thoughts. But you can hold boundaries and you can ask him to prioritize your emotional needs for an hour, or whatever the case may be. Mentally unwell people are capable of doing this.
posted by crunchy potato at 11:18 AM on February 18, 2023 [5 favorites]
If you want this to be a partnership not a caregiving dynamic then it's ok to want and expect some efforts. He should be able to give effort even if the timing is off or he has trouble on the actual day.
I had a few years where Christmas at my in laws was deeply, unconsciously triggering for me due to implicit/body memory of family trauma and trouble accepting the environment was actually safe. I didn't want to act out but I couldn't actually help it. This is different from being so self-absorbed that you make someone else's centering about you. You can have severe depression and still set aside some of that monologue to celebrate your partner. It's not super easy but it's doable.
My partner and I have both had challenges, physical and emotional. He can be horribly depressed and struggle in everyday life but puts in some amount of effort for any special occasions I've said I want to honor somehow. The times I was acting out against my own conscious desires, I still circled back to engage the holiday in ways that seemed meaningful.
I'm sorry but it seems to me your desire to show compassion is not only causing you some burnout but it's probably enabling him as well. Unless you've mutually agreed to be his caregiver you are allowed to have expectations and allowed to say something if he is disappointing you. (I'm not suggesting to lay into him and confirm his low self worth thoughts. But you can hold boundaries and you can ask him to prioritize your emotional needs for an hour, or whatever the case may be. Mentally unwell people are capable of doing this.
posted by crunchy potato at 11:18 AM on February 18, 2023 [5 favorites]
The part of your brain that you have labeled "the childlike pouty self" is the only part of you that is actually reminding you of what YOU want, and the rest of your questions boils down to: How can I make myself smaller so as not to have needs anymore because my partner has a mental illness that prevents him from being able to acknowledge birthdays?
There are mental illnesses where the victim is unable to acknowledge other people's birthdays, for sure. Is this one of them?
You 100% get to want things. Please believe that, and start there.
posted by Vatnesine at 12:04 PM on February 18, 2023 [13 favorites]
There are mental illnesses where the victim is unable to acknowledge other people's birthdays, for sure. Is this one of them?
You 100% get to want things. Please believe that, and start there.
posted by Vatnesine at 12:04 PM on February 18, 2023 [13 favorites]
How do you respect agency while acknowledging limitations?
By acknowledging what your limitations actually are instead of what you think they should be. On your current path this is going to happen pretty soon whether you want it to or not.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:25 PM on February 18, 2023 [2 favorites]
By acknowledging what your limitations actually are instead of what you think they should be. On your current path this is going to happen pretty soon whether you want it to or not.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:25 PM on February 18, 2023 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks everyone… just wanted to mention he’s got multiple painful and challenging medical issues on top of the MI, some of which also affect mood (hypothyroidism, Hashimoto’s, prediabetes, diverticulitis, now severe TMJ which makes the food thing even harder, issues with the psych meds too affecting appetite [and mood], all this at once. That’s why I feel like a jerk complaining, that is health privilege. Whatever reserve he might have on a good day, is impossible right now. Like there will be a blood sugar issue and then he can’t 1) chew or 2) easily digest plus there’s abdomen pain… Plus CPTSD and BPD? I can’t say I’d do much better in his shoes? Just one or two of those would probably floor me. When he’s physically better and has had some therapy and maybe a job, and a reason to get up in the morning, it will be different. I know because I remember how it was. ) So many helpful comments, everyone, much appreciated. HBD, yarntheory :)
posted by cotton dress sock at 3:45 PM on February 18, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by cotton dress sock at 3:45 PM on February 18, 2023 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Make special holiday plans that don't include your partner.
If you are dependent on his enthusiastic participation you will be disappointed. That's a dead end and will cause hurt feelings and conflict all around. So if you give gifts to your partner give them in a very low key way, only because you enjoy the planning and shopping. If you want gifts, buy yourself gifts. If you want surprise gifts, buy them many weeks in advance and arrange to forget what they are.
Imagine your partner will be in hospital for the day of the holiday and figure out how you would celebrate if they were not home and you were not able to get in touch with them. Then try to figure out how you can do those things even if they are home - get up early to make the special breakfast, put on headphones to listen to the Christmas music, hold a quiet ceremony in another room. Make a date to see a friend who can appreciate the holiday with you. Do special stuff that you can't do with him - for example, if he hates peppermint, get a chocolate peppermint cake. Deliberately exclude him for his own sake.
Some day you may not have a partner; right now you have a partner who doesn't do holidays. Enjoy the good things you do have from your partner whatever they may be. Maybe you still have someone to snuggle with, or maybe you still have someone who will gently let you know when you are about to leave the house with spinach on your teeth. But don't ask for more. It's unfair to yourself to ask for more when you are only going to be disappointed. Realistic expectations and a LOT of self care taking will go a long way to keep you from feeling pouty.
Your unhappy holiday means that you weren't able to take proper care of yourself. It's not that your partner let you down - it's that you desperately needed to be treated as a priority. You have no control over what your partner does, but you do have some control over what you do.
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:40 PM on February 18, 2023 [5 favorites]
If you are dependent on his enthusiastic participation you will be disappointed. That's a dead end and will cause hurt feelings and conflict all around. So if you give gifts to your partner give them in a very low key way, only because you enjoy the planning and shopping. If you want gifts, buy yourself gifts. If you want surprise gifts, buy them many weeks in advance and arrange to forget what they are.
Imagine your partner will be in hospital for the day of the holiday and figure out how you would celebrate if they were not home and you were not able to get in touch with them. Then try to figure out how you can do those things even if they are home - get up early to make the special breakfast, put on headphones to listen to the Christmas music, hold a quiet ceremony in another room. Make a date to see a friend who can appreciate the holiday with you. Do special stuff that you can't do with him - for example, if he hates peppermint, get a chocolate peppermint cake. Deliberately exclude him for his own sake.
Some day you may not have a partner; right now you have a partner who doesn't do holidays. Enjoy the good things you do have from your partner whatever they may be. Maybe you still have someone to snuggle with, or maybe you still have someone who will gently let you know when you are about to leave the house with spinach on your teeth. But don't ask for more. It's unfair to yourself to ask for more when you are only going to be disappointed. Realistic expectations and a LOT of self care taking will go a long way to keep you from feeling pouty.
Your unhappy holiday means that you weren't able to take proper care of yourself. It's not that your partner let you down - it's that you desperately needed to be treated as a priority. You have no control over what your partner does, but you do have some control over what you do.
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:40 PM on February 18, 2023 [5 favorites]
Best answer: My suggestion is to start by throwing yourself a pity party (out of earshot from your partner) Ideally find a trust friend who will let you vent without taking it too seriously and let your inner toddler have a pity party - whine, stomp your feet, yell. Take a black crayon, draw a scribble picture of how much you don't like everything and then rip it up. Be as silly and over the top as you can. The truth is that illness sucks and lousy health care sucks and not being able to have fun on your birthday sucks. (You don't need to blame your partner - they don't suck but their disease does!!!) Because while your grown up self knows it is not your partner's fault and you need to be realistic and all that, your toddler self knows that what is happening is not fair. Yes, what partner is going through is even less fair but this is not a competition - it is still unfair that it is happening to you and just because ours have it worse doesn't mean you have to like it.
Hopefully, having a chance to let it out - with energy and humor - will feel like a relief.
And then, after your toddler self has been heard and is feeling a little better, think about how you can create a do-over birthday that is realistic. Maybe it is just buying yourself some flowers and a favorite to dessert to share. Or spending a little extra on something that makes you happy. Or binge watching some guilty pleasure of a show. Because you can't have everything you want but maybe you can have a little more of it than you've been getting. You can use your own judgement whether you want to tell your partner why you are doing these things or if you want to say "just because" to avoid creating pressure on them. You'll know and your inner toddler will thank you.
posted by metahawk at 9:33 PM on February 19, 2023 [1 favorite]
Hopefully, having a chance to let it out - with energy and humor - will feel like a relief.
And then, after your toddler self has been heard and is feeling a little better, think about how you can create a do-over birthday that is realistic. Maybe it is just buying yourself some flowers and a favorite to dessert to share. Or spending a little extra on something that makes you happy. Or binge watching some guilty pleasure of a show. Because you can't have everything you want but maybe you can have a little more of it than you've been getting. You can use your own judgement whether you want to tell your partner why you are doing these things or if you want to say "just because" to avoid creating pressure on them. You'll know and your inner toddler will thank you.
posted by metahawk at 9:33 PM on February 19, 2023 [1 favorite]
You are a person and you have needs. It's OK that he can't meet all of them (although he shouldn't be taking his depression out on you) but it's also OK for you to make sure those needs get met. He doesn't have to believe in the sanctity of holidays to know that you like them and be happy for you to do something that makes you happy. If you decide having a chocolate-tasting party with a few of your friends is a fine way to celebrate Valentine's Day (or insert whatever holiday here) he doesn't have to participate if he doesn't want to, but he does need to respect that you want to, and at a minimum try not to rain on your parade. Emergencies happen, but there needs to be some give & take, instead of him taking and you giving.
posted by Ahniya at 9:58 PM on February 19, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Ahniya at 9:58 PM on February 19, 2023 [1 favorite]
Look, the anvil dropped from the sky and fell on your toe, and it hurts. You keep saying, "It's worse for him," and perhaps that's true, perhaps the anvil fell on his whole foot. But you get to hop around and be hurt, too. Comparing hurts (and talking about how you have "healthy privilege") isn't really going to help if you means you are always prioritizing your partner over yourself.
When he’s physically better and has had some therapy and maybe a job, and a reason to get up in the morning, it will be different. I know because I remember how it was.
I also want to say, probably not as gently as I should, that it's time to start considering moving forward without ever counting on a future where your partner is better. Your partner now is who he is and likely who he will be for a good long while. I'm not saying what path that means you should take. I am saying that it's worth considering if what you want is a relationship where you are a full time caregiver.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:48 PM on February 20, 2023 [8 favorites]
When he’s physically better and has had some therapy and maybe a job, and a reason to get up in the morning, it will be different. I know because I remember how it was.
I also want to say, probably not as gently as I should, that it's time to start considering moving forward without ever counting on a future where your partner is better. Your partner now is who he is and likely who he will be for a good long while. I'm not saying what path that means you should take. I am saying that it's worth considering if what you want is a relationship where you are a full time caregiver.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:48 PM on February 20, 2023 [8 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:58 AM on February 18, 2023