I want my life back.
February 14, 2023 2:29 AM Subscribe
I am responsible for caring for my elderly family, and this is having a severe impact on my health and sanity. What can I do? How did you cope?
Sorry guys - this must be my thousandth question on this topic.
I live in a different country from my small elderly family. I have two elderly living relatives, who are living with complex mental and physical health conditions. They are also very emotional, irrational, difficult people. They have spent the last year in and out of hospital. I've cut out a lot of back-story here. Suffice it to say that I am managing everything for them remotely, and they are really not well. Also, going back to live with them (much as they would love me to do this) is not an option for me.
Despite the fact that I live abroad I am constantly tied to my phone, managing every single crisis, advising their carers (whom I arranged for them), consulting their doctors, coordinating with the few people in my country who can actually offer some help to my family etc.
My family hate and resent my micromanagement - they are horrible to me, say really abusive things to me on the phone, guilt-trip me for living abroad and harangue me to leave everything to come and live with them, and refuse to cooperation with the carers and medical team. It's not just managing the admin around their healthcare that stresses me out - it's also managing their extreme emotional reactions to things and their lack of cooperation.
Intellectually, I get that it feels disempowering to them - but neither of them are well enough to cope, and morally, I feel like it would be the wrong thing to just let them go along their merry way when they are incapable of taking care of themselves. Before they started their joint decline, our relationship was really good, because they weren't like this then. So I feel like it would be a moral disservice to the family I grew up with, to abandon them to their own devices just because they are horrible now.
The thing is, I am worried about the effect this is having on me. I can't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep. I have nightmares and wake up crying. My short term memory is going to pot. I cry everyday. I don't want to eat. My blood pressure is really high. I feel constantly behind on work - though I have still delivered major projects. I've had to cancel holidays and social things at short notice, often losing a lot of money. (I've stopped committing to things now.) I have not been able to do a thing I've actually wanted for me in a long time. This whole year has eaten into my savings because I had to take unpaid leave to take care of my family, and as a result the money I was keeping for a deposit for a new home has been dwindling.
It is like I have no life anymore beyond earning a salary, paying my bills, and making sure my family don't die. My siblings and friends are all worried about me. I am worried about me. Yesterday I thought I was going to have a heart attack or a breakdown. Luckily I found a random cat on the street and played with it.
I have a therapist, whom I like - I searched for a good one for over a year. This is something I'm talking about with them too. But I specifically would like to know what people in my situation have done to cope. Do I need to see a doctor? I don't think I am sick, just sad and anxious and under a lot of stress. I'm not sure I have any symptoms of depression? I am extremely functional.
I've thought about taking sick leave, but even though work is stressful, it keeps me connected to everyday life, so I decided against it.
Sorry guys - this must be my thousandth question on this topic.
I live in a different country from my small elderly family. I have two elderly living relatives, who are living with complex mental and physical health conditions. They are also very emotional, irrational, difficult people. They have spent the last year in and out of hospital. I've cut out a lot of back-story here. Suffice it to say that I am managing everything for them remotely, and they are really not well. Also, going back to live with them (much as they would love me to do this) is not an option for me.
Despite the fact that I live abroad I am constantly tied to my phone, managing every single crisis, advising their carers (whom I arranged for them), consulting their doctors, coordinating with the few people in my country who can actually offer some help to my family etc.
My family hate and resent my micromanagement - they are horrible to me, say really abusive things to me on the phone, guilt-trip me for living abroad and harangue me to leave everything to come and live with them, and refuse to cooperation with the carers and medical team. It's not just managing the admin around their healthcare that stresses me out - it's also managing their extreme emotional reactions to things and their lack of cooperation.
Intellectually, I get that it feels disempowering to them - but neither of them are well enough to cope, and morally, I feel like it would be the wrong thing to just let them go along their merry way when they are incapable of taking care of themselves. Before they started their joint decline, our relationship was really good, because they weren't like this then. So I feel like it would be a moral disservice to the family I grew up with, to abandon them to their own devices just because they are horrible now.
The thing is, I am worried about the effect this is having on me. I can't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep. I have nightmares and wake up crying. My short term memory is going to pot. I cry everyday. I don't want to eat. My blood pressure is really high. I feel constantly behind on work - though I have still delivered major projects. I've had to cancel holidays and social things at short notice, often losing a lot of money. (I've stopped committing to things now.) I have not been able to do a thing I've actually wanted for me in a long time. This whole year has eaten into my savings because I had to take unpaid leave to take care of my family, and as a result the money I was keeping for a deposit for a new home has been dwindling.
It is like I have no life anymore beyond earning a salary, paying my bills, and making sure my family don't die. My siblings and friends are all worried about me. I am worried about me. Yesterday I thought I was going to have a heart attack or a breakdown. Luckily I found a random cat on the street and played with it.
I have a therapist, whom I like - I searched for a good one for over a year. This is something I'm talking about with them too. But I specifically would like to know what people in my situation have done to cope. Do I need to see a doctor? I don't think I am sick, just sad and anxious and under a lot of stress. I'm not sure I have any symptoms of depression? I am extremely functional.
I've thought about taking sick leave, but even though work is stressful, it keeps me connected to everyday life, so I decided against it.
Response by poster: Not to threadsit, but as the oldest sibling and the only unmarried one, the burden of eldercare has fallen disproportionately to me. My siblings do what they can. Pushing them to do more isn't going to work (I've tried). It's not that they don't help out at all, but certainly not at the same level of detail and intensity as me.
posted by unicorn chaser at 3:12 AM on February 14, 2023
posted by unicorn chaser at 3:12 AM on February 14, 2023
This is not sustainable. I think you need sick leave from being a caregiver. At least a month.
Tell your siblings you can either take it now, and they'll have to pick up the extra work... or you can keep going until you inevitably fall apart and then they'll have to do the same but at an unexpected moment and for an unexpected period of time. It might very well be much longer in that case.
posted by Too-Ticky at 3:20 AM on February 14, 2023 [52 favorites]
Tell your siblings you can either take it now, and they'll have to pick up the extra work... or you can keep going until you inevitably fall apart and then they'll have to do the same but at an unexpected moment and for an unexpected period of time. It might very well be much longer in that case.
posted by Too-Ticky at 3:20 AM on February 14, 2023 [52 favorites]
Have you actually explained to your siblings in the detail you’ve posted here about what this is doing to you? I know I’ve held back on this sort of thing sometimes because emotionally I wasn’t prepared to risk their rejection. Is this the case with you? This is an emergency and if you haven’t yet, it’s worth the risk of being fully honest with them about what this is doing to you.
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 3:24 AM on February 14, 2023 [18 favorites]
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 3:24 AM on February 14, 2023 [18 favorites]
Respite care is about preventing burnout with caregiving, or addressing burnout because it can be That Demanding. Talk with your siblings and caregivers and work out taking a substantial break to get yourself back on track.
Take a mindful break - the retreat center that is down the road from me has at least one gathering each month for caregivers. It’s a religious place, but the overwhelming interest is caring for the carer, not what anyone’s faith is, though the mileage may vary. Is there a nearby hospice organization/department of aging/hospital- they often have groups and resources for people who are managing care for their senescing elders if finding peers helps.
Talk to people in your network that are going through the same thing, it eases the isolation. When your siblings step up, they will also understand. Go through/over some of the urgent matters you’ve dealt with so they have a flavor for what needs to happen while showing outcomes on staying home vs. heading for behavioral difficulties and aftermath or emergency medical intervention. Hand over the responsibilities as best you can (include some time off from work too) and take care of you.
posted by childofTethys at 4:47 AM on February 14, 2023 [5 favorites]
Take a mindful break - the retreat center that is down the road from me has at least one gathering each month for caregivers. It’s a religious place, but the overwhelming interest is caring for the carer, not what anyone’s faith is, though the mileage may vary. Is there a nearby hospice organization/department of aging/hospital- they often have groups and resources for people who are managing care for their senescing elders if finding peers helps.
Talk to people in your network that are going through the same thing, it eases the isolation. When your siblings step up, they will also understand. Go through/over some of the urgent matters you’ve dealt with so they have a flavor for what needs to happen while showing outcomes on staying home vs. heading for behavioral difficulties and aftermath or emergency medical intervention. Hand over the responsibilities as best you can (include some time off from work too) and take care of you.
posted by childofTethys at 4:47 AM on February 14, 2023 [5 favorites]
A few ideas:
- Work with your therapist to discern what is actually an “emergency” and set some boundaries. It seems to me that your parents and caregivers are caught in a cycle of coming to you for every small thing. You need to be able to ignore communications sometimes, and also not respond to minor problems.
- Get FMLA qualification at work to be able to take intermittent leave
- Recruit your siblings to be on duty at least 1 day/week. On that day, you ignore your phone.
- Let go. No amount of effort on your part is going to fundamentally change the situation
posted by haptic_avenger at 5:15 AM on February 14, 2023 [11 favorites]
- Work with your therapist to discern what is actually an “emergency” and set some boundaries. It seems to me that your parents and caregivers are caught in a cycle of coming to you for every small thing. You need to be able to ignore communications sometimes, and also not respond to minor problems.
- Get FMLA qualification at work to be able to take intermittent leave
- Recruit your siblings to be on duty at least 1 day/week. On that day, you ignore your phone.
- Let go. No amount of effort on your part is going to fundamentally change the situation
posted by haptic_avenger at 5:15 AM on February 14, 2023 [11 favorites]
Coming back to say that I think you REALLY need to investigate the idea of dropping the amount of work you do for your parents and prioritize your own life (this is based on reading your Ask history). Please discuss this with your therapist. A lot of what you describe sounds like anxiety - where we take certain actions to fend off imagined bad outcomes. The treatment is to experiment with behaving differently. What would happen if you ignored the latest crisis? What would happen if you turned your phone off from 9-5 while you are working? What would happen if you rode out the latest crisis without getting “busy” about it (eg looking up new doctors).
Recognize you are trying to problem-solve something that cannot be solved. It seems like you are an accomplished professional. My guess is that you are being driven to apply those skills to your parents, and it is … not working.
To the extent this is being driven by doctors and caregivers reaching out to you with the latest “crisis,” I feel some resonance with my own situation. My son goes through phases of dysregulation at school and the school gets in an extremely reactive pattern of calling me breathlessly to report the latest “incident.” In detailed and somewhat overheated language.
Finally I had to put my foot down and say STOP. This is is happening at school, it is a known issue that you, the school, have the resources and even a formal behavioral plan to address. Stop calling me to report “your kid was bad again!!!!” in the middle of my work day. Because *there is nothing I can do with that information at that time.* They just get in this pattern where emotionally dumping on me (always the mom of course) stands in for them actually solving their problem. Because it is their problem: my son is legally mandated to attend school and they are legally mandated to handle his behaviors. I cannot help solve a tantrum that already happened. They are his caregivers and this is part of the care. There is a role for the school to communicate about his day with me, but it’s part if a formal, unemotional, daily data collection, reporting how they did their caregiving job in the face of a predictable event, not random calls at 11am.
Let me tell you I felt like a total witch having this discussion with the school. But it had to happen because their calls were killing me (and they also were an indication that they had lost the plot on the behavioral plan).
posted by haptic_avenger at 5:38 AM on February 14, 2023 [37 favorites]
Recognize you are trying to problem-solve something that cannot be solved. It seems like you are an accomplished professional. My guess is that you are being driven to apply those skills to your parents, and it is … not working.
To the extent this is being driven by doctors and caregivers reaching out to you with the latest “crisis,” I feel some resonance with my own situation. My son goes through phases of dysregulation at school and the school gets in an extremely reactive pattern of calling me breathlessly to report the latest “incident.” In detailed and somewhat overheated language.
Finally I had to put my foot down and say STOP. This is is happening at school, it is a known issue that you, the school, have the resources and even a formal behavioral plan to address. Stop calling me to report “your kid was bad again!!!!” in the middle of my work day. Because *there is nothing I can do with that information at that time.* They just get in this pattern where emotionally dumping on me (always the mom of course) stands in for them actually solving their problem. Because it is their problem: my son is legally mandated to attend school and they are legally mandated to handle his behaviors. I cannot help solve a tantrum that already happened. They are his caregivers and this is part of the care. There is a role for the school to communicate about his day with me, but it’s part if a formal, unemotional, daily data collection, reporting how they did their caregiving job in the face of a predictable event, not random calls at 11am.
Let me tell you I felt like a total witch having this discussion with the school. But it had to happen because their calls were killing me (and they also were an indication that they had lost the plot on the behavioral plan).
posted by haptic_avenger at 5:38 AM on February 14, 2023 [37 favorites]
On the practical side, you can think about what can be delegated to your siblings, and possibly even to your relatives' caregivers and doctors. I know a lot of things can't be, but for example in a previous thread you mentioned having to be the one to make decisions about things like when to go to the ER. Is it possible to put a procedure in place for this, like "caregiver calls doctor and doctor makes the decision; if in any doubt, go to ER"? Unless you have more medical knowledge than the caregivers, it sounds like the real reason for you to make the decision and not them is just so that the choice is yours - not necessarily so that the most correct choice is made.
Do you have, or can you afford, a caregiving team that actually has some medical expertise (like a trained nurse), and that can also handle most communications with doctors? Your relatives might also be more apt to accept instructions from people they see as professionally educated in the field than from you.
Are the caregivers calling you constantly for things? If so, can they send you regular written or recorded updates once a day (or less) that you can catch up on at a regularly scheduled time, and only actually call you when your input is truly critical?
Besides helping out more in general, your siblings can also take over completely for specific periods of time, so that you can make plans for yourself like going on a vacation or to a wedding. It might be hard on them, but that's okay, it's been hard on you. It's also not impossible that they'll do things a little bit differently than you, and you can learn from each other about different ways to manage and things that aren't necessarily critical for you to do.
Yesterday I thought I was going to have a heart attack or a breakdown. Luckily I found a random cat on the street and played with it.
Small things are important too. When you say (here and previously) that you haven't been able to do anything for yourself, you mention big things, like going on trips or fostering a cat. But besides finding ways to carve out big chunks of time for yourself, as mentioned above, look for small things that can be just for you. Playing with cats at a shelter or at a friend's, taking yourself for a nice meal, going for a walk, listening to music you love. It sounds like your brain is convinced you need to be in crisis mode all the time - maybe out of habit, maybe out of perfectionism, maybe out of guilt about not being there. It can be hard to see crisis mode as something you can pick up and put down at will. But if this is a marathon you can't treat it like a sprint and constantly be at full intensity.
Finally, I think there are a few things it can help to make peace with. For example, the fact that this has eaten into your savings - it sucks, but look deeply at your feelings about it. Maybe ultimately you're okay with your money having gone toward helping your relatives rather than toward buying a house a bit sooner than you might otherwise. Maybe not. But if you are mostly okay with it, then make peace with it and put it out of your mind. It's not worth distressing yourself over with periodic rehashings. It's not like losing money in a scam or a fire or anything like that - the money has bought something worthwhile. It's okay to decide to accept that.
posted by trig at 5:42 AM on February 14, 2023 [5 favorites]
Do you have, or can you afford, a caregiving team that actually has some medical expertise (like a trained nurse), and that can also handle most communications with doctors? Your relatives might also be more apt to accept instructions from people they see as professionally educated in the field than from you.
Are the caregivers calling you constantly for things? If so, can they send you regular written or recorded updates once a day (or less) that you can catch up on at a regularly scheduled time, and only actually call you when your input is truly critical?
Besides helping out more in general, your siblings can also take over completely for specific periods of time, so that you can make plans for yourself like going on a vacation or to a wedding. It might be hard on them, but that's okay, it's been hard on you. It's also not impossible that they'll do things a little bit differently than you, and you can learn from each other about different ways to manage and things that aren't necessarily critical for you to do.
Yesterday I thought I was going to have a heart attack or a breakdown. Luckily I found a random cat on the street and played with it.
Small things are important too. When you say (here and previously) that you haven't been able to do anything for yourself, you mention big things, like going on trips or fostering a cat. But besides finding ways to carve out big chunks of time for yourself, as mentioned above, look for small things that can be just for you. Playing with cats at a shelter or at a friend's, taking yourself for a nice meal, going for a walk, listening to music you love. It sounds like your brain is convinced you need to be in crisis mode all the time - maybe out of habit, maybe out of perfectionism, maybe out of guilt about not being there. It can be hard to see crisis mode as something you can pick up and put down at will. But if this is a marathon you can't treat it like a sprint and constantly be at full intensity.
Finally, I think there are a few things it can help to make peace with. For example, the fact that this has eaten into your savings - it sucks, but look deeply at your feelings about it. Maybe ultimately you're okay with your money having gone toward helping your relatives rather than toward buying a house a bit sooner than you might otherwise. Maybe not. But if you are mostly okay with it, then make peace with it and put it out of your mind. It's not worth distressing yourself over with periodic rehashings. It's not like losing money in a scam or a fire or anything like that - the money has bought something worthwhile. It's okay to decide to accept that.
posted by trig at 5:42 AM on February 14, 2023 [5 favorites]
You need a daily practice of self care - have a nice cup of tea, go for a walk, do yoga, visit with the friendly cat next door or whatever it may be. You need an hr of this. During that time your phone is off. Make that time non-negotiable. There is nothing that you can do remotely in that hr that would make a meaningful difference in outcome.
People may try to tell you there are emergencies where the hr would make all the difference but that is not true. If your relatives have a fall and need to go to the ER - their carers can make that happen.
Which gets me to the next point - you need some kind of framework for deciding what people should call you for and what they should just decide or call somebody else for, e.g. call the doctor or whatever may make sense.
How good and stable are your relationships with your siblings? Can you have a conversation with them about what constitutes a thing you need to manage and what things can and should be handled by others or are simply allowed to unfold?
What I mean is - it is probably not a crisis if your elderly relative refuses to be bathed or eat a specific meal or take a specific dose or medication. Would it be in their best interest do allow the carers to do their thing and cooperate - of course it would. But they are adults who can elect to do things not in their best interest. So if you get a call for every refusal to cooperate that is a problem. If you get a call because they have consistently refused to eat the last couple of days* - that is probably a more valid thing to bring to you.
*I am not a medical professional - I have no idea where to draw the line, this is an example and I also have no idea what you get called about so may be off
In addition to talking to your siblings, seek some guidance from your family members' doctors in this regard. What would they be worried about and think warrants an intervention. That's when people get to call you.
As for your elderly relatives - if they are disrespectful to you you say good bye and end the call. Every time. They don't get to force their drama on you. You can make sure they are taken care of without letting them mistreat you.
posted by koahiatamadl at 6:17 AM on February 14, 2023 [7 favorites]
People may try to tell you there are emergencies where the hr would make all the difference but that is not true. If your relatives have a fall and need to go to the ER - their carers can make that happen.
Which gets me to the next point - you need some kind of framework for deciding what people should call you for and what they should just decide or call somebody else for, e.g. call the doctor or whatever may make sense.
How good and stable are your relationships with your siblings? Can you have a conversation with them about what constitutes a thing you need to manage and what things can and should be handled by others or are simply allowed to unfold?
What I mean is - it is probably not a crisis if your elderly relative refuses to be bathed or eat a specific meal or take a specific dose or medication. Would it be in their best interest do allow the carers to do their thing and cooperate - of course it would. But they are adults who can elect to do things not in their best interest. So if you get a call for every refusal to cooperate that is a problem. If you get a call because they have consistently refused to eat the last couple of days* - that is probably a more valid thing to bring to you.
*I am not a medical professional - I have no idea where to draw the line, this is an example and I also have no idea what you get called about so may be off
In addition to talking to your siblings, seek some guidance from your family members' doctors in this regard. What would they be worried about and think warrants an intervention. That's when people get to call you.
As for your elderly relatives - if they are disrespectful to you you say good bye and end the call. Every time. They don't get to force their drama on you. You can make sure they are taken care of without letting them mistreat you.
posted by koahiatamadl at 6:17 AM on February 14, 2023 [7 favorites]
I think it's hard to let go of control in this situation because you know there's an endpoint. The problem is that you don't know when that is and you seem unlikely to make it there intact.
Tell your siblings that for your own health you have to take a two or three months leave from caretaking starting on X date. Pull the information together that they need, exactly as they would if you did vanish or collapse. Tell them, don't ask. If they refuse, well then they carry the guilt.
They are also your parents' children. Presumably they care at least a little about them. Force then to act on it. Because if you don't, you are not going to make it to the end of this.
They are exploiting you by refusing to do their share. It won't stop unless you make it.
posted by emjaybee at 6:19 AM on February 14, 2023 [19 favorites]
Tell your siblings that for your own health you have to take a two or three months leave from caretaking starting on X date. Pull the information together that they need, exactly as they would if you did vanish or collapse. Tell them, don't ask. If they refuse, well then they carry the guilt.
They are also your parents' children. Presumably they care at least a little about them. Force then to act on it. Because if you don't, you are not going to make it to the end of this.
They are exploiting you by refusing to do their share. It won't stop unless you make it.
posted by emjaybee at 6:19 AM on February 14, 2023 [19 favorites]
Emjaybee is correct. No one has any incentive to step up while you are doing all this. Put together all the info they will need, email it to your siblings and then block everyone's numbers and social media accounts for 3 months. They will figure it out. They might be mad about it, but it's better to live with that discomfort than actually die of a heart attack from stress.
posted by ananci at 6:30 AM on February 14, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by ananci at 6:30 AM on February 14, 2023 [6 favorites]
Without knowing what country you or your parents are in, and where your siblings live, it's tricky to give specific advice, but I agree with the other posters that the fact that you have siblings (plural) means you have available help and resources that you're missing. I'm writing this with the assumption that your siblings also live in another country from your parents, or equally far away. If that isn't the case, then this situation is unconscionable. But even if they're just as far away, you need to reframe this problem in a way that puts their help back on the table, and make that your goal.
I know you said that you've tried and they won't. And respectfully, of course they won't. Why should they? The status quo is working just fine for them. I'm sure they've made it quite clear to you how their time and resources are important for their family / children, whereas yours are not for you. Which is, frankly, bullshit. On what planet is it harder for any of them to do even some of the things you're already doing solo? Even without knowing their particular situation and hardships - which may be considerable and I don't mean to be as glib as I sound here - in your siblings' marriages either both partners work, so there is more income to spare, or only one partner works so there is more time to spare. This does NOT mean that however many kids they have don't require a huge sacrifice in money in time. Of course they do. Kids eat all your time and supporting a family in the moment and into the future can be crushing. I'm not trying to downplay that. But it doesn't require more sacrifice in money and time than it does from you, to the point that you have none of it. That's why it's called sacrifice. At this point, you're sacrificing to support their lifestyles continuing as normal. So again, why on earth would they do more? When every time they say they can't, you step up?
You might need to bring in an intermediary here. Stop seeing it as your parents who are costing you money and time, and realize that your siblings' attitudes are also doing so. Especially if they live closer. Whether it's via a sit down meeting or a zoom call, I would spell out what exactly you're willing to do and spend moving forward, and what that leaves to be done. Be as specific as you can. You could bring in a close friend who's a bulldog who can speak for you, or hire a professional arbitrator (these people exist to help employees through business relationships), but you might need an advocate to show them you're serious this time. The family dynamic / status quo is too hard for you to break alone - that's how it got to be the status quo in the first place. Because it sounds like they're not listening to you, while you back down and actually are listening to them. Having an outsider arbitrate for what you're requiring - not asking - of them will make it harder for you to back down under the inevitable pushback. It's not your problem how your other siblings decide to divvy up the rest of the responsibilities. But moving forward, you're not doing them. And then don't. In an ideal world, you'll all walk away from that intervention with a chart that breaks down responsibilities, because each sibling will already have an idea of what they are and are not willing / able to do or just don't want to be stuck with. But either way, you should be able to tell your parents when they berate you about something, "actually, _____ is in charge of that (this week)."
TL;DR: This is not about you.
The family status quo is not working for you, regardless of how well it's working for everyone else.
Therefore it needs to stop being the family status quo.
I'm really sorry you're going through this.
posted by Mchelly at 7:12 AM on February 14, 2023 [9 favorites]
I know you said that you've tried and they won't. And respectfully, of course they won't. Why should they? The status quo is working just fine for them. I'm sure they've made it quite clear to you how their time and resources are important for their family / children, whereas yours are not for you. Which is, frankly, bullshit. On what planet is it harder for any of them to do even some of the things you're already doing solo? Even without knowing their particular situation and hardships - which may be considerable and I don't mean to be as glib as I sound here - in your siblings' marriages either both partners work, so there is more income to spare, or only one partner works so there is more time to spare. This does NOT mean that however many kids they have don't require a huge sacrifice in money in time. Of course they do. Kids eat all your time and supporting a family in the moment and into the future can be crushing. I'm not trying to downplay that. But it doesn't require more sacrifice in money and time than it does from you, to the point that you have none of it. That's why it's called sacrifice. At this point, you're sacrificing to support their lifestyles continuing as normal. So again, why on earth would they do more? When every time they say they can't, you step up?
You might need to bring in an intermediary here. Stop seeing it as your parents who are costing you money and time, and realize that your siblings' attitudes are also doing so. Especially if they live closer. Whether it's via a sit down meeting or a zoom call, I would spell out what exactly you're willing to do and spend moving forward, and what that leaves to be done. Be as specific as you can. You could bring in a close friend who's a bulldog who can speak for you, or hire a professional arbitrator (these people exist to help employees through business relationships), but you might need an advocate to show them you're serious this time. The family dynamic / status quo is too hard for you to break alone - that's how it got to be the status quo in the first place. Because it sounds like they're not listening to you, while you back down and actually are listening to them. Having an outsider arbitrate for what you're requiring - not asking - of them will make it harder for you to back down under the inevitable pushback. It's not your problem how your other siblings decide to divvy up the rest of the responsibilities. But moving forward, you're not doing them. And then don't. In an ideal world, you'll all walk away from that intervention with a chart that breaks down responsibilities, because each sibling will already have an idea of what they are and are not willing / able to do or just don't want to be stuck with. But either way, you should be able to tell your parents when they berate you about something, "actually, _____ is in charge of that (this week)."
TL;DR: This is not about you.
The family status quo is not working for you, regardless of how well it's working for everyone else.
Therefore it needs to stop being the family status quo.
I'm really sorry you're going through this.
posted by Mchelly at 7:12 AM on February 14, 2023 [9 favorites]
God, this is hard.
I agree with the folks who've said that your siblings HAVE to step up, in some sort of way that gives you predictable, useful time off. And also the folks who've said that not every single text you get is an emergency that must be solved immediately by you.
But I also wanted to say one other thing and I am trying to say this kindly and keeping in mind how I'd feel about it if it were my own parents. This goal:
making sure my family don't die
Is not within your power to achieve. Everyone dies. You could drive yourself to a paralytic stroke trying to carry this burden, and yet: your aged relatives will still die when their time is up. So as you're deciding how much of your own life to sacrifice on this altar, just keep that in mind. There is no amount of pain and self-immolation you can pour into this project that will achieve the goal you've set.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:33 AM on February 14, 2023 [35 favorites]
I agree with the folks who've said that your siblings HAVE to step up, in some sort of way that gives you predictable, useful time off. And also the folks who've said that not every single text you get is an emergency that must be solved immediately by you.
But I also wanted to say one other thing and I am trying to say this kindly and keeping in mind how I'd feel about it if it were my own parents. This goal:
making sure my family don't die
Is not within your power to achieve. Everyone dies. You could drive yourself to a paralytic stroke trying to carry this burden, and yet: your aged relatives will still die when their time is up. So as you're deciding how much of your own life to sacrifice on this altar, just keep that in mind. There is no amount of pain and self-immolation you can pour into this project that will achieve the goal you've set.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:33 AM on February 14, 2023 [35 favorites]
It goes with the territory I am afraid. As soon as you take on something like this you will be on the receiving end of abuse, and therefor take damage. You will be spending masses of energy and time and resources and mainly being ineffectual. That too will damage you because you will be learning helplessness and unlearning self-protective behaviour.
You're basically asking a question similar to how you could mitigate the damage from going through chemo. There may be some tricks and tips, like sucking on ice to reduce mouth sores, but it will destroy your life and health while you are going through it, and it will leave you with permanent damage.
You need to spend as much time as possible not doing this and not thinking about it. So set boundaries where you don't deal with it during most of your waking hours. Set a time when you do it, such as between five PM and nine PM and do it then and only then.
You need to find the time to do things that make you happy and completely absorbed so that you forget the situation, and you need to do that regularly every single day for a significant amount of time.
If you can't set boundaries like that then... well then you are going to be miserable, sick, harassed, angry, bored and resentful all the time instead of just part of the time. I am sorry. There is no magic way to feel better or make things work.
posted by Jane the Brown at 7:54 AM on February 14, 2023 [7 favorites]
You're basically asking a question similar to how you could mitigate the damage from going through chemo. There may be some tricks and tips, like sucking on ice to reduce mouth sores, but it will destroy your life and health while you are going through it, and it will leave you with permanent damage.
You need to spend as much time as possible not doing this and not thinking about it. So set boundaries where you don't deal with it during most of your waking hours. Set a time when you do it, such as between five PM and nine PM and do it then and only then.
You need to find the time to do things that make you happy and completely absorbed so that you forget the situation, and you need to do that regularly every single day for a significant amount of time.
If you can't set boundaries like that then... well then you are going to be miserable, sick, harassed, angry, bored and resentful all the time instead of just part of the time. I am sorry. There is no magic way to feel better or make things work.
posted by Jane the Brown at 7:54 AM on February 14, 2023 [7 favorites]
Yeah, this is such a tough situation.
Another idea is that your siblings should each take a day per week or several hours a day to be on call. That seems like the simplest and most elegant way to get you some time you can get your adrenaline down and not continue to drive your health off a cliff.
Because it will go off a cliff (ask me how I know). And then you will have been in a car accident from fatigue or recovering from a cardiovascular incident. Think of preventing that like building redundancy into your work.
When your siblings have their days, let them do it badly. They will make decisions you wouldn't. They'll hang up, be unavailable, not care about XYZ, not call ABC. That's okay.
Call them up and say "hey, I can't be available by phone on Sunday so I've given everyone your number. Thanks brother, love you, talk Monday."
Also please start saying "I can't let you talk to me that way, love you, bye," and hanging up if your parents are haranguing you.
Also...yeah you do need to accept that your parents will die.
I had a coworker who taught me a lot about mental illness. Her dad committed suicide a few weeks after she had a stillbirth. He referenced that he was unable to deal with her loss. Her phone was off. As her ally I was so furious for her.
But she was crystal clear that in her view, her dad died of an illness - depression. He had had it her whole life. That was the week it got him.
Her clarity has been something I think of often. As a family, they had tried to keep her dad's illness from killing him of course. But they couldn't provide a perfect treatment (treatment including things like checking up on him, taking him out, etc.), and he died of it. Your parents may die of their constellation of issues. It's hard.
But it is not your responsibility to singlehandedly be larger than all their health issues - trying to do that will just make you sick.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:04 AM on February 14, 2023 [16 favorites]
Another idea is that your siblings should each take a day per week or several hours a day to be on call. That seems like the simplest and most elegant way to get you some time you can get your adrenaline down and not continue to drive your health off a cliff.
Because it will go off a cliff (ask me how I know). And then you will have been in a car accident from fatigue or recovering from a cardiovascular incident. Think of preventing that like building redundancy into your work.
When your siblings have their days, let them do it badly. They will make decisions you wouldn't. They'll hang up, be unavailable, not care about XYZ, not call ABC. That's okay.
Call them up and say "hey, I can't be available by phone on Sunday so I've given everyone your number. Thanks brother, love you, talk Monday."
Also please start saying "I can't let you talk to me that way, love you, bye," and hanging up if your parents are haranguing you.
Also...yeah you do need to accept that your parents will die.
I had a coworker who taught me a lot about mental illness. Her dad committed suicide a few weeks after she had a stillbirth. He referenced that he was unable to deal with her loss. Her phone was off. As her ally I was so furious for her.
But she was crystal clear that in her view, her dad died of an illness - depression. He had had it her whole life. That was the week it got him.
Her clarity has been something I think of often. As a family, they had tried to keep her dad's illness from killing him of course. But they couldn't provide a perfect treatment (treatment including things like checking up on him, taking him out, etc.), and he died of it. Your parents may die of their constellation of issues. It's hard.
But it is not your responsibility to singlehandedly be larger than all their health issues - trying to do that will just make you sick.
posted by warriorqueen at 8:04 AM on February 14, 2023 [16 favorites]
In your elderly relatives’ country, is there a social worker or geriatric care manager that you could hire to help manage things on their end?
Perhaps your siblings could pay for a service like this as their contribution to their relatives’ care.
posted by elphaba at 8:07 AM on February 14, 2023 [1 favorite]
Perhaps your siblings could pay for a service like this as their contribution to their relatives’ care.
posted by elphaba at 8:07 AM on February 14, 2023 [1 favorite]
Hey unicorn chaser, I've seen your posts around here before and sort of remember the progression of events that have led you to this place. I think you're doing so much, and you have every reason to give yourself a huge pat on the back for how willing you are to help family members who are difficult to deal with. So that's the first thing I am going to suggest. IMO one of the emotions that comes through in your posts is your vague sense that you aren't doing enough, that you have been ineffective, that you've been falling short. That, in and of itself, is an exhausting, overwhelmingly depressing thing to feel! So I would really encourage you to work with your therapist to reframe this situation for yourself to notice and appreciate the positive impact you have had, and everything you have done, as opposed to feeling inadequate for not having the power to solve everything fully for your relatives all by yourself.
The next thing I want to suggest is the idea that being predictable is way, way, way more essential than being "good", whatever your definition of "good" may be.
- the desire to be "good" is currently leading you to overextend yourself in terms of effort and possibly also finances, i.e. towards burnout, which will likely end in your relatives being suddenly left in the lurch because you have hit your absolute breakdown point, unable to keep your job, become physically or mentally unwell, etc. If you focus not on being "good" but instead on being consistent and predictable, you will automatically prioritize sustainability and personal wellbeing. Your relatives will be better off because your assistance is reliable, predictable, a constant that they can build the rest of their care plan around.
- the desire to be "good" is currently leading you to tolerate abuse and build up resentment and anger against your relatives. This might easily end with you hitting breaking point and blowing up at them when some straw breaks the camel's back. If you focus instead on predictably and consistently shutting down their abuse, e.g. by hanging up the phone immediately when they speak disrespectfully to you, saying "I will not speak to you unless you are calm and kind to me. I'll call back in an hour." Mildly-unpleasant-but-predictable boundary setting is MUCH better for your relatives than random (from their perspective) unpredictable blowups which threaten the relationship.
- the desire to be "good" is currently stopping you from confronting your siblings and assertively requiring them to share the work with you. This might easily end with you hitting breaking point - not only in terms of leaving your relatives in the lurch after you break down/burn out, but also in terms of souring your heart towards your siblings for failing you so badly. If instead you consistently make them aware of how much you are doing and how much they owe you (literally! in dollars and hours, not vague obligation/favor/emotional strings!), that brings your hidden conflict out into the open, allowing you all to negotiate things and address unfairness head on. This protects your relationship with your siblings in the long term.
Finally, here's my most practical suggestion: you need to be a project manager to a team, rather than a one-woman shop who runs everything and does everything herself. Literally treat this as a project to be managed: defining objectives, identifying stakeholders (do RACI charts!), chunking the project into well-defined focus areas, creating processes and workflows, hiring SMEs and workers as necessary, creating tasks to be completed and delegating them to siblings or employees, managing people on an ongoing basis, etc. I'm sure this in itself will be almost all you can do, but make no mistake that it is the best way you can sustainably contribute right now. Maybe one day when this machine is already in motion you will be freed up to take on tasks as well but right now you are desperately in need of project management and you're the obvious "IT".
Your first hire should be a consultant who acts as case worker. With their help, you can lead the effort to wrangle the whole situation like a work project. Use someone who is local to your relatives who can meet your relatives, interview them, observe their needs/challenges first hand, and then work with you & your siblings & relatives together via zoom to hammer out a proper project management plan with a good division of responsibilities to be shared out to your siblings and hired helpers. (You are project manager. That's your task, you do nothing else until this whole apparatus is up and running smoothly.)
(a) It gives you a handle on all the moving parts, a high level holistic view of what's happening and what needs to be done. This inherently reduces the sense of chaos you feel and the stress that comes with feeling like things have spun out of control.
(b) Your relatives get a high level of control in their care plan, and they feel heard on what their challenges are. The less they feel dictated to, the better. They *should* have this level of control. You have to give up control on this and let them make decisions for the sake of their own dignity and autonomy. It will be okay. You are here to protect them if they get things wrong. It's not your job to decide what's best for them, only to help when they need it.
(c) You and your relatives are able to see, in black and white, the limits of what you can do from afar. This resets both your own expectations of how much you can solve for them, and their expectations of how much control you have over their reality (leading to them blaming you less for things outside your control).
(d) A defined set of issues and tasks makes it possible for your siblings to jump in and take their fair share of the responsibility. Since your siblings are not as involved as you are with the situation, it's possible that a large part of their reluctance to help out comes from feeling totally lost - not necessarily an unwillingness to help but simply not knowing where to begin.
You need to make sure this situation does not continue to consume you entirely. You are a human being with human limitations and human needs. Your first responsibility is towards yourself. Please take care of you.
posted by MiraK at 8:07 AM on February 14, 2023 [10 favorites]
The next thing I want to suggest is the idea that being predictable is way, way, way more essential than being "good", whatever your definition of "good" may be.
- the desire to be "good" is currently leading you to overextend yourself in terms of effort and possibly also finances, i.e. towards burnout, which will likely end in your relatives being suddenly left in the lurch because you have hit your absolute breakdown point, unable to keep your job, become physically or mentally unwell, etc. If you focus not on being "good" but instead on being consistent and predictable, you will automatically prioritize sustainability and personal wellbeing. Your relatives will be better off because your assistance is reliable, predictable, a constant that they can build the rest of their care plan around.
- the desire to be "good" is currently leading you to tolerate abuse and build up resentment and anger against your relatives. This might easily end with you hitting breaking point and blowing up at them when some straw breaks the camel's back. If you focus instead on predictably and consistently shutting down their abuse, e.g. by hanging up the phone immediately when they speak disrespectfully to you, saying "I will not speak to you unless you are calm and kind to me. I'll call back in an hour." Mildly-unpleasant-but-predictable boundary setting is MUCH better for your relatives than random (from their perspective) unpredictable blowups which threaten the relationship.
- the desire to be "good" is currently stopping you from confronting your siblings and assertively requiring them to share the work with you. This might easily end with you hitting breaking point - not only in terms of leaving your relatives in the lurch after you break down/burn out, but also in terms of souring your heart towards your siblings for failing you so badly. If instead you consistently make them aware of how much you are doing and how much they owe you (literally! in dollars and hours, not vague obligation/favor/emotional strings!), that brings your hidden conflict out into the open, allowing you all to negotiate things and address unfairness head on. This protects your relationship with your siblings in the long term.
Finally, here's my most practical suggestion: you need to be a project manager to a team, rather than a one-woman shop who runs everything and does everything herself. Literally treat this as a project to be managed: defining objectives, identifying stakeholders (do RACI charts!), chunking the project into well-defined focus areas, creating processes and workflows, hiring SMEs and workers as necessary, creating tasks to be completed and delegating them to siblings or employees, managing people on an ongoing basis, etc. I'm sure this in itself will be almost all you can do, but make no mistake that it is the best way you can sustainably contribute right now. Maybe one day when this machine is already in motion you will be freed up to take on tasks as well but right now you are desperately in need of project management and you're the obvious "IT".
Your first hire should be a consultant who acts as case worker. With their help, you can lead the effort to wrangle the whole situation like a work project. Use someone who is local to your relatives who can meet your relatives, interview them, observe their needs/challenges first hand, and then work with you & your siblings & relatives together via zoom to hammer out a proper project management plan with a good division of responsibilities to be shared out to your siblings and hired helpers. (You are project manager. That's your task, you do nothing else until this whole apparatus is up and running smoothly.)
(a) It gives you a handle on all the moving parts, a high level holistic view of what's happening and what needs to be done. This inherently reduces the sense of chaos you feel and the stress that comes with feeling like things have spun out of control.
(b) Your relatives get a high level of control in their care plan, and they feel heard on what their challenges are. The less they feel dictated to, the better. They *should* have this level of control. You have to give up control on this and let them make decisions for the sake of their own dignity and autonomy. It will be okay. You are here to protect them if they get things wrong. It's not your job to decide what's best for them, only to help when they need it.
(c) You and your relatives are able to see, in black and white, the limits of what you can do from afar. This resets both your own expectations of how much you can solve for them, and their expectations of how much control you have over their reality (leading to them blaming you less for things outside your control).
(d) A defined set of issues and tasks makes it possible for your siblings to jump in and take their fair share of the responsibility. Since your siblings are not as involved as you are with the situation, it's possible that a large part of their reluctance to help out comes from feeling totally lost - not necessarily an unwillingness to help but simply not knowing where to begin.
You need to make sure this situation does not continue to consume you entirely. You are a human being with human limitations and human needs. Your first responsibility is towards yourself. Please take care of you.
posted by MiraK at 8:07 AM on February 14, 2023 [10 favorites]
I just read your last question (hadn't seen it prior) and I'm sad that the responses you got there all advised you to never plan anything in advance for yourself.
My advice to you is the opposite of what you got there. Keep planning things for yourself in advance, as you would like to do. Treat your schedule as the "hardscape" of your life: do not change your plans or count on using the money you have committed for these events towards anything else. If that means you cannot provide something your family suddenly needs two months from now, them's the breaks. You are not an unlimited resource, you have commitments towards yourself that cannot be shortchanged. Kind of like rent money - you have set aside this money for your vacation and it cannot be used to help family. Kind of like dentist appointments - you have set aside this time for your friend's wedding and you are unavailable during it.
If there is a true emergency - e.g. if there is a death in the family in the middle of your three-week hiking trip - you will of course cut short your plans and move your "hardscape" to show up. This is okay. This does not mean you don't even book that hiking trip six months in advance because you're worried about "what if someone dies while I am gone". Trust yourself to handle true emergencies as they arise, and plan the rest of your life as you normally would.
Make sure you put these planned events in the family calendar so that your relatives as well as your siblings can see it right there in front of their faces. Always attach your basic call-sheet document to each event, containing details of doctors, medications, other relatives, hired help, etc. so that whoever is covering for you can provide emergency care. Set it up so that they all get notified with reminders prior to the events and times during which you are unavailable to your relatives. This is not to say that you should be available to your folks at all other times! I hope that you will set up a rotation between your siblings and yourself to share your on-call times equally even under normal circumstances. But this is a suggested protocol *in addition to* your normal rotation schedule.
posted by MiraK at 8:34 AM on February 14, 2023 [6 favorites]
My advice to you is the opposite of what you got there. Keep planning things for yourself in advance, as you would like to do. Treat your schedule as the "hardscape" of your life: do not change your plans or count on using the money you have committed for these events towards anything else. If that means you cannot provide something your family suddenly needs two months from now, them's the breaks. You are not an unlimited resource, you have commitments towards yourself that cannot be shortchanged. Kind of like rent money - you have set aside this money for your vacation and it cannot be used to help family. Kind of like dentist appointments - you have set aside this time for your friend's wedding and you are unavailable during it.
If there is a true emergency - e.g. if there is a death in the family in the middle of your three-week hiking trip - you will of course cut short your plans and move your "hardscape" to show up. This is okay. This does not mean you don't even book that hiking trip six months in advance because you're worried about "what if someone dies while I am gone". Trust yourself to handle true emergencies as they arise, and plan the rest of your life as you normally would.
Make sure you put these planned events in the family calendar so that your relatives as well as your siblings can see it right there in front of their faces. Always attach your basic call-sheet document to each event, containing details of doctors, medications, other relatives, hired help, etc. so that whoever is covering for you can provide emergency care. Set it up so that they all get notified with reminders prior to the events and times during which you are unavailable to your relatives. This is not to say that you should be available to your folks at all other times! I hope that you will set up a rotation between your siblings and yourself to share your on-call times equally even under normal circumstances. But this is a suggested protocol *in addition to* your normal rotation schedule.
posted by MiraK at 8:34 AM on February 14, 2023 [6 favorites]
Check with a hospice organization where your elderly relatives live. They aren't just end-of-life places always - my Dad had dementia and they offered to have him stay for a week so my Mom could have a respite week. Perhaps that would be an option in your case.
posted by TimHare at 10:07 AM on February 14, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by TimHare at 10:07 AM on February 14, 2023 [3 favorites]
One the one hand, this is a somewhat time-limited situation. So you can keep that in the back of your mind at all times - it is bad now but this will, literally, not go on forever.
On the flip side, however: People can be literally at death's door for years and even decades. And the better the care they get, the more likely they are to stay in that position for a pretty lengthy period of time.
So, you have to plan your life, and your breaks or vacations, your emotional state, and all the rest with that in mind. Is what you are doing right now sustainable for many months to several years to a decade or more?
If not, you must change what you are doing to make it sustainable for you for that period of time.
Just as a benchmark: Could you continue doing what you are doing, just as you are now, for the next decade? If not, you need to change those procedures so that they are truly sustainable for that period of time.
I'll tell you one personal story. My parents are in their eighties and having the type of issues you would expect at that age.
My sister lives with them and so provides FAR more than her share of the day-to-day care.
A couple of years ago, Sister and I had planned a week away, something where we are with a group but completely out of communication with the rest of the world, and something that we typically do every year or a even a couple of times a year. Also, something that simply can't be postponed for a week or two. When the date comes, it's either go or cancel entirely (at great inconvenience to the rest of the party planning to go on the trip).
So time for the trip comes, and guess what? Dad has a fairly serious health crisis come up a day or two before the trip. Brother meets with us and literally has Sister in tears because "You can't possible leave right now, Dad will likely die while you're gone, blah-blah-blah."
(Part of the problem is that with both of us gone, Brother - who lives one town over from Parents - would have to spend a little time that week taking care of Parents. He would have to take over a portion of the things Sister does each and every week. This ain't fun.)
We just put our foot down and left on the long-planned trip.
Three years later, guess who is still alive and kicking.
Yes, Dad.
He is in pretty much the same health right now as he was three years ago. Which is only a little worse than he was three years before that.
And of course, anyone in their 80s might have something happen at any time, but it's pretty much equally as likely he'll still be around three years and even six years from now, too.
Point is, you have to keep living your life and taking care of yourself, and doing things like taking vacations and breaks that help to keep you sane. "Put on your own oxygen mask first" and all that.
In our case, if we hadn't taken that week's vacation - away from EVERYTHING for one small period - Sister would truly have had a breakdown. It's not only that you need regular breaks away from everything - the same reason you need to take vacation from your job to prevent burnout, except this is even more demanding and intense, so even MORE prone to burnout - but also that we had been planning this thing for literally a year.
Planning things like that and then breaking them just kills you.
Give yourself permission to take time off - hours, days, even a week now and then. Just as you would from any demanding job, you shouldn't allow yourself to have less time off/unplugged from this.
Also, if I might say: Resolve yourself to the idea that something bad might happen during one of those away periods. Something bad is going to happen to elderly people (and all of us), sooner or later. Unless you're going to literally super-glue yourself to someone's side for the next decade or two, you can't guarantee that you're going to be there when every crisis hits.
And super-gluing yourself to someone's side - even via electronic communications - just isn't realistic.
So prepare the system you have to deal with those crises as best they can, and then be prepared to step away for periods of time to give yourself that mental health break that you absolutely need. It's the only way to survive it and give them the long term support that they really do need (and, as you point out) deserve.
posted by flug at 10:08 AM on February 14, 2023 [15 favorites]
On the flip side, however: People can be literally at death's door for years and even decades. And the better the care they get, the more likely they are to stay in that position for a pretty lengthy period of time.
So, you have to plan your life, and your breaks or vacations, your emotional state, and all the rest with that in mind. Is what you are doing right now sustainable for many months to several years to a decade or more?
If not, you must change what you are doing to make it sustainable for you for that period of time.
Just as a benchmark: Could you continue doing what you are doing, just as you are now, for the next decade? If not, you need to change those procedures so that they are truly sustainable for that period of time.
I'll tell you one personal story. My parents are in their eighties and having the type of issues you would expect at that age.
My sister lives with them and so provides FAR more than her share of the day-to-day care.
A couple of years ago, Sister and I had planned a week away, something where we are with a group but completely out of communication with the rest of the world, and something that we typically do every year or a even a couple of times a year. Also, something that simply can't be postponed for a week or two. When the date comes, it's either go or cancel entirely (at great inconvenience to the rest of the party planning to go on the trip).
So time for the trip comes, and guess what? Dad has a fairly serious health crisis come up a day or two before the trip. Brother meets with us and literally has Sister in tears because "You can't possible leave right now, Dad will likely die while you're gone, blah-blah-blah."
(Part of the problem is that with both of us gone, Brother - who lives one town over from Parents - would have to spend a little time that week taking care of Parents. He would have to take over a portion of the things Sister does each and every week. This ain't fun.)
We just put our foot down and left on the long-planned trip.
Three years later, guess who is still alive and kicking.
Yes, Dad.
He is in pretty much the same health right now as he was three years ago. Which is only a little worse than he was three years before that.
And of course, anyone in their 80s might have something happen at any time, but it's pretty much equally as likely he'll still be around three years and even six years from now, too.
Point is, you have to keep living your life and taking care of yourself, and doing things like taking vacations and breaks that help to keep you sane. "Put on your own oxygen mask first" and all that.
In our case, if we hadn't taken that week's vacation - away from EVERYTHING for one small period - Sister would truly have had a breakdown. It's not only that you need regular breaks away from everything - the same reason you need to take vacation from your job to prevent burnout, except this is even more demanding and intense, so even MORE prone to burnout - but also that we had been planning this thing for literally a year.
Planning things like that and then breaking them just kills you.
Give yourself permission to take time off - hours, days, even a week now and then. Just as you would from any demanding job, you shouldn't allow yourself to have less time off/unplugged from this.
Also, if I might say: Resolve yourself to the idea that something bad might happen during one of those away periods. Something bad is going to happen to elderly people (and all of us), sooner or later. Unless you're going to literally super-glue yourself to someone's side for the next decade or two, you can't guarantee that you're going to be there when every crisis hits.
And super-gluing yourself to someone's side - even via electronic communications - just isn't realistic.
So prepare the system you have to deal with those crises as best they can, and then be prepared to step away for periods of time to give yourself that mental health break that you absolutely need. It's the only way to survive it and give them the long term support that they really do need (and, as you point out) deserve.
posted by flug at 10:08 AM on February 14, 2023 [15 favorites]
Can you get someone, like a conservator, to step in to facilitate/organize care/perform these tasks for you? I understand this might be contingent upon resource access. Speaking as a sibling who was unwillingly roped into a similar situation by another sibling to care for ailing elders, I understand if your siblings do not WANT to do this. But nor so you, and nor is it your responsibility; we have developed advanced, agrarian society for precisely this reason. If your relatives are mentally ill, they may be roping you into this at least partially because they get some kind of gross enjoyment out of watching you flail/whipping you around.
posted by erattacorrige at 10:34 AM on February 14, 2023
posted by erattacorrige at 10:34 AM on February 14, 2023
This is a difficult issue because many of us have deeply internalized the notion that we owe the same duty of care to our aging parents as they owed to us as babies and children, in the spirit of "honor thy father and thy mother." In cases where this duty is equitably agreed to by the parents and children and a system is agreed to to prevent burnout or collapse, then yes, I'd argue you do have a duty of care.
But it is clear from your past posts that you are dealing with a very challenging relationship with at least one parent suffering from a significant mental illness, and doing so remotely. This relationship is obviously impacting your own mental and physical health. Your siblings are likewise not proactively helping you shoulder the burden. There is no attempt by other parties to protect and respect you, and there is no clearly defined end to this situation.
So, while I do not know all the ins and outs of your situation nor what is truly feasible for you, my gut tells me you need to distance yourself from this relationship and seek some type of help for yourself for the shame you are experiencing. This internet stranger gives you permission to prioritize your own mental health over those of your family members. I can't tell you how much to pull back but for your own sake I hope you do. I am sorry you are in this situation and I hope you can find a balance.
posted by fortitude25 at 10:49 AM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]
But it is clear from your past posts that you are dealing with a very challenging relationship with at least one parent suffering from a significant mental illness, and doing so remotely. This relationship is obviously impacting your own mental and physical health. Your siblings are likewise not proactively helping you shoulder the burden. There is no attempt by other parties to protect and respect you, and there is no clearly defined end to this situation.
So, while I do not know all the ins and outs of your situation nor what is truly feasible for you, my gut tells me you need to distance yourself from this relationship and seek some type of help for yourself for the shame you are experiencing. This internet stranger gives you permission to prioritize your own mental health over those of your family members. I can't tell you how much to pull back but for your own sake I hope you do. I am sorry you are in this situation and I hope you can find a balance.
posted by fortitude25 at 10:49 AM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]
Here is what I did to cope as the long distance caretaker of my elderly mom as she declined and died:
I am a woman with 1 brother. I live thousands of miles away. My brother lives 75 miles away from our hometown. I still managed the vast majority of her care.
Mom and I had a great relationship that declined as she did. She was scared and angry and ill. She lashed out at me in part because I was the one who showed up, but also because I was the one who enacted/managed all the changes she resented but needed. She also trusted that I would still keep showing up, even if she was shitty to me. Hard to take that as a compliment, but it did reflect the faith she has in the strength of our relationship.
On her good days, she was appreciative and gracious about what was happening, but on her bad days, she was just mean. I had to learn to detach emotionally, remind myself why she was being like this, terminate phone calls if she got nasty ("Sorry mom, I need to go. We can talk about this another time when we both feel better. I love you."), etc. I worked to be kind to her, but didn't offer myself up for abuse. It was gutting to lose so many of the good aspects of our relationship but still have to deal with her anger and unhappiness (and being told I was the cause). I had to, in essence, grieve the loss of our relationship in the midst of all of it.
I leaned hard on my friends for emotional support and confirmation that my actions were necessary and my reactions of anger, fear, frustration, and anxiety were normal. Getting this confirmation did help alleviate some of it for me. My therapist at the time suggested the metaphor of surfing: Go with the flow, stay above it, know you have to rapidly adjust as circumstances change, but that's ok.
I had screaming fights over the phone with my brother to make him understand the severity of her issues and that he need to show up. Didn't help. Just damaged our relationship. What DID work was being relatively calm and stating "I'm showing up and doing the bulk of the work. If you can't do this part of the work, then you need to support the overall effort in ways you can: financially, by doing paperwork and coordination." I had to give him concrete tasks or make specific asks: help me pay for my flights, contact XYZ agency and find out if they can help us, etc. It was infuriating to have to manage him and do this emotional labor on top of caring for mom, but it got him to help.
I did my best to find good support systems, resources, and agencies for her, then I had to trust them and let them do their jobs. I would check in, monitor, etc, but I had to let go of the idea that it was going to be perfect.
It was hard and messy and draining. I had to repeatedly remind myself that this was not going to go smoothly. I did the best I could in the moment and tried to be gentle with myself., reminding myself "I can't sacrifice everything to only take care of Mom and even if I did focus solely on caring for her, I can't truly fix this."
I had a sense of relief when she died - both because she was no longer suffering, but also because a very large burden had been lifted from me.
She's been gone a few years and I miss her. Looking back on the last years of her life, I wish I had done something differently: I wish I had done a better job of caring for myself. Being a caretaker is hard, but it shouldn't completely destroy the caretaker's health and wellness.
Hope this helps.
posted by jenquat at 11:01 AM on February 14, 2023 [27 favorites]
I am a woman with 1 brother. I live thousands of miles away. My brother lives 75 miles away from our hometown. I still managed the vast majority of her care.
Mom and I had a great relationship that declined as she did. She was scared and angry and ill. She lashed out at me in part because I was the one who showed up, but also because I was the one who enacted/managed all the changes she resented but needed. She also trusted that I would still keep showing up, even if she was shitty to me. Hard to take that as a compliment, but it did reflect the faith she has in the strength of our relationship.
On her good days, she was appreciative and gracious about what was happening, but on her bad days, she was just mean. I had to learn to detach emotionally, remind myself why she was being like this, terminate phone calls if she got nasty ("Sorry mom, I need to go. We can talk about this another time when we both feel better. I love you."), etc. I worked to be kind to her, but didn't offer myself up for abuse. It was gutting to lose so many of the good aspects of our relationship but still have to deal with her anger and unhappiness (and being told I was the cause). I had to, in essence, grieve the loss of our relationship in the midst of all of it.
I leaned hard on my friends for emotional support and confirmation that my actions were necessary and my reactions of anger, fear, frustration, and anxiety were normal. Getting this confirmation did help alleviate some of it for me. My therapist at the time suggested the metaphor of surfing: Go with the flow, stay above it, know you have to rapidly adjust as circumstances change, but that's ok.
I had screaming fights over the phone with my brother to make him understand the severity of her issues and that he need to show up. Didn't help. Just damaged our relationship. What DID work was being relatively calm and stating "I'm showing up and doing the bulk of the work. If you can't do this part of the work, then you need to support the overall effort in ways you can: financially, by doing paperwork and coordination." I had to give him concrete tasks or make specific asks: help me pay for my flights, contact XYZ agency and find out if they can help us, etc. It was infuriating to have to manage him and do this emotional labor on top of caring for mom, but it got him to help.
I did my best to find good support systems, resources, and agencies for her, then I had to trust them and let them do their jobs. I would check in, monitor, etc, but I had to let go of the idea that it was going to be perfect.
It was hard and messy and draining. I had to repeatedly remind myself that this was not going to go smoothly. I did the best I could in the moment and tried to be gentle with myself., reminding myself "I can't sacrifice everything to only take care of Mom and even if I did focus solely on caring for her, I can't truly fix this."
I had a sense of relief when she died - both because she was no longer suffering, but also because a very large burden had been lifted from me.
She's been gone a few years and I miss her. Looking back on the last years of her life, I wish I had done something differently: I wish I had done a better job of caring for myself. Being a caretaker is hard, but it shouldn't completely destroy the caretaker's health and wellness.
Hope this helps.
posted by jenquat at 11:01 AM on February 14, 2023 [27 favorites]
Stop seeing it as your parents who are costing you money and time, and realize that your siblings' attitudes are also doing so.
This. You are over-functioning, and that is allowing them to under-function.
You need to take a break before you collapse and they have to deal with it all on short notice with no preparation. The advice above for a respite period/vacation is great, but in the short term, I suggest just picking at least one weekend day and saying "I will not be reachable from Saturday night until Monday morning anymore. You will have to deal with whatever comes up."
Then stick to it, turn off your phone, and let them deal. It will be difficult, but you're doing it just as much for them and for your parents as you are for yourself. Maybe even more, because if you break, they'll be on the hook 24/7.
posted by rpfields at 12:21 PM on February 14, 2023
This. You are over-functioning, and that is allowing them to under-function.
You need to take a break before you collapse and they have to deal with it all on short notice with no preparation. The advice above for a respite period/vacation is great, but in the short term, I suggest just picking at least one weekend day and saying "I will not be reachable from Saturday night until Monday morning anymore. You will have to deal with whatever comes up."
Then stick to it, turn off your phone, and let them deal. It will be difficult, but you're doing it just as much for them and for your parents as you are for yourself. Maybe even more, because if you break, they'll be on the hook 24/7.
posted by rpfields at 12:21 PM on February 14, 2023
I agree with rpfields, but also, you are going to need to be 100% unavailable to the siblings. They can't call you and get a response when Daddy has a stuffy nose and they can't figure out how to deal with it. You need to be 100% gone and unreachable because if they have the ability to get you to do it, they will, and you'll end up feeling guilty and bad and caving in. Come up with some bullshit lie they can't argue with, for all I care. Go up into the mountains where there's no cell reception (I lose reception every time I go into mountains), stay there for a weekend, make sure they cannot call you and have to figure it out for themselves, even if they have kids too.
I have a friend in a terrible situation like this, except she's an only child, caring for her mother and grandmother, and the few times she tries to rely on the aunt for anything, the aunt fucks up massively and then grandmother ends up in the hospital with an infection again. Frankly....that may happen here. To some degree, things are just going to get worse and worse anyway regardless of who's the caregiver. You may just have to accept that some things may not go as well if you're not the #1 person taking care of everything.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:01 PM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]
I have a friend in a terrible situation like this, except she's an only child, caring for her mother and grandmother, and the few times she tries to rely on the aunt for anything, the aunt fucks up massively and then grandmother ends up in the hospital with an infection again. Frankly....that may happen here. To some degree, things are just going to get worse and worse anyway regardless of who's the caregiver. You may just have to accept that some things may not go as well if you're not the #1 person taking care of everything.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:01 PM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]
+1 to all of the boundary-setting, predictability, and delegation of work. and wow, have you done a lot of work and care.
I do wonder if it's helpful to ask whether it's the coordination of all of the care or the interfacing with your two elderly relatives that's burning you out more. Probably both, but worth considering whether you'd rather do the coordination (or perhaps part of it) and have the point of contact be your sibling for your relatives' complaints, and then they can route the feedback in an appropriate manner.
The other thought I had was that it's really hard in these difficult times to think about all the good moments that you did have with these relatives, and what you thought was worth it. Can you center your conversations around those topics or perhaps bring them up more on the phone?
When my mom harangues me about something, I tell her, "I don't want to talk about X right now. I'd like to hear about...?". Or, "You're not going to change my mind about X and let's not discuss it. If that's all, then I have to go." If she continues on the same topic, I hang up. This is hard to do. I have learned that she doesn't change her mind, and oftentimes will trigger traumas with certain topics. It sounds like they're pretty emotionally abusive, so it can be a bit harder to take this tack because sometimes they'll get over-escalated. But whatever happens is not your fault, even if they're threatening you or their health if you don't pick up or use your siblings to also call you (happens to one of my friends). Schedule some things that you love to do and to be busy with.
Sometimes if they're in an escalated state, they need to vent, and it's okay if you cannot hold that space for them. Do they have community or other friends that they can go to? Do they have counselors or other people that can help them cooperate with their caregivers? It's hard to do it remotely.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, and I hope you can find some respite soon.
posted by sincerely yours at 2:38 PM on February 14, 2023
I do wonder if it's helpful to ask whether it's the coordination of all of the care or the interfacing with your two elderly relatives that's burning you out more. Probably both, but worth considering whether you'd rather do the coordination (or perhaps part of it) and have the point of contact be your sibling for your relatives' complaints, and then they can route the feedback in an appropriate manner.
The other thought I had was that it's really hard in these difficult times to think about all the good moments that you did have with these relatives, and what you thought was worth it. Can you center your conversations around those topics or perhaps bring them up more on the phone?
When my mom harangues me about something, I tell her, "I don't want to talk about X right now. I'd like to hear about...?". Or, "You're not going to change my mind about X and let's not discuss it. If that's all, then I have to go." If she continues on the same topic, I hang up. This is hard to do. I have learned that she doesn't change her mind, and oftentimes will trigger traumas with certain topics. It sounds like they're pretty emotionally abusive, so it can be a bit harder to take this tack because sometimes they'll get over-escalated. But whatever happens is not your fault, even if they're threatening you or their health if you don't pick up or use your siblings to also call you (happens to one of my friends). Schedule some things that you love to do and to be busy with.
Sometimes if they're in an escalated state, they need to vent, and it's okay if you cannot hold that space for them. Do they have community or other friends that they can go to? Do they have counselors or other people that can help them cooperate with their caregivers? It's hard to do it remotely.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, and I hope you can find some respite soon.
posted by sincerely yours at 2:38 PM on February 14, 2023
First, go to the doctor about your blood pressure.
After that, you can follow some of the other advice in this thread about boundaries and delegating and all that.
posted by betweenthebars at 2:49 PM on February 14, 2023 [5 favorites]
After that, you can follow some of the other advice in this thread about boundaries and delegating and all that.
posted by betweenthebars at 2:49 PM on February 14, 2023 [5 favorites]
I agree with much of what’s been said here. This piece I don’t think has been addressed:
I'm not sure I have any symptoms of depression?
You do. This:
I can't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep. I have nightmares and wake up crying. My short term memory is going to pot. I cry everyday. I don't want to eat.
Is a (non exhaustive) list of symptoms of depression.
It may be tempting to run yourself into the ground until you simply can’t go anymore in the pursuit of getting your siblings to understand and sign off on a rest for you. I don’t think that’s likely to happen. I think you are likely to get less blowback from them on net if you proactively assert your need for their involvement and back away in a controlled fashion.
posted by eirias at 6:24 PM on February 14, 2023 [4 favorites]
I'm not sure I have any symptoms of depression?
You do. This:
I can't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep. I have nightmares and wake up crying. My short term memory is going to pot. I cry everyday. I don't want to eat.
Is a (non exhaustive) list of symptoms of depression.
It may be tempting to run yourself into the ground until you simply can’t go anymore in the pursuit of getting your siblings to understand and sign off on a rest for you. I don’t think that’s likely to happen. I think you are likely to get less blowback from them on net if you proactively assert your need for their involvement and back away in a controlled fashion.
posted by eirias at 6:24 PM on February 14, 2023 [4 favorites]
I think you need to email your siblings "I am burned out and at severe risk of my physical health collapsing. For the next 7 days, starting as of this email, I will be unavailable, my phone will be off, I will not be checking email, and you will need to deal with things."
and then follow through.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 7:20 PM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]
and then follow through.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries at 7:20 PM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]
And to be clear, if this
It's not that they don't help out at all, but certainly not at the same level of detail and intensity as me
means that you haven't wanted them to take over because you don't feel they do it right - then let them do it anyway. Without knowing all the details it's hard to say, but it's possible that a somewhat lower level of "detail and intensity" could actually be exactly what's called for, whether in terms of the sustainability of you/your siblings' efforts, your relationship with the relatives being cared for, your relatives' sense of control over their lives, or the level to which their local carers are empowered to take responsibility.
posted by trig at 8:41 PM on February 14, 2023 [3 favorites]
It's not that they don't help out at all, but certainly not at the same level of detail and intensity as me
means that you haven't wanted them to take over because you don't feel they do it right - then let them do it anyway. Without knowing all the details it's hard to say, but it's possible that a somewhat lower level of "detail and intensity" could actually be exactly what's called for, whether in terms of the sustainability of you/your siblings' efforts, your relationship with the relatives being cared for, your relatives' sense of control over their lives, or the level to which their local carers are empowered to take responsibility.
posted by trig at 8:41 PM on February 14, 2023 [3 favorites]
they are horrible to me, say really abusive things to me on the phone, guilt-trip me for living abroad and harangue me to leave everything to come and live with them, and refuse to cooperation with the carers and medical team. Do not accept this. Just say, I love you and am doing my best to take care of you; I have to go now. Bye. and Hang Up. It's abuse; do not tolerate it.
Think about what can be delegated to your siblings, and possibly even to your relatives' caregivers and doctors. Family should be contributing financially, at the very least, and in whatever ways can be delegated to them.
Go to your doctor, who will tell you that you must have a break. Tell family and care team that you will be gone for a week, You will likely let them bargain you down to a 4 day weekend. Draft a point person to take calls and deal with whatever and take notes for you. Sleep, watch movies, spend some time in nature. Do it again next month.
Listen, this level of stress is harming you physically as well as mentally. If you have a heart attack or stroke or breakdown, it would be chaotic, but your family would do something. So start taking off no less than a long weekend every month to preserve your health. You have nothing left to give so you must give less.
posted by theora55 at 9:14 PM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]
Think about what can be delegated to your siblings, and possibly even to your relatives' caregivers and doctors. Family should be contributing financially, at the very least, and in whatever ways can be delegated to them.
Go to your doctor, who will tell you that you must have a break. Tell family and care team that you will be gone for a week, You will likely let them bargain you down to a 4 day weekend. Draft a point person to take calls and deal with whatever and take notes for you. Sleep, watch movies, spend some time in nature. Do it again next month.
Listen, this level of stress is harming you physically as well as mentally. If you have a heart attack or stroke or breakdown, it would be chaotic, but your family would do something. So start taking off no less than a long weekend every month to preserve your health. You have nothing left to give so you must give less.
posted by theora55 at 9:14 PM on February 14, 2023 [2 favorites]
So I'm the sibling in a situation very similar to yours. Both my parents are ill - my dad is dealing with cancer, my mum has had a complete mental breakdown since last June and my dad has ended up being semi her caretaker while being himself ill. My sister and I are both in different countries; all of us are migrants of some fashion. For a while there both my sister and I were scrambling to figure out what kind of resources my parents could access from where they are, but my dad was being (unnecessarily IMHO) particular about what he'd accept - he'd turn down home carers and such for example. Both my sister and I went to visit (at different times - it was meant to be at the same time but then the Australian government suddenly decided that my citizenship ceremony HAD to be in the same week as that trip and those things are bonkers to reschedule so I ended up having to change my flight). While my sister did some direct caretaking in her trip, my main contribution to this whole situation was to talk to my mum (and the others but mostly mum) through her mental breakdown - I have a long history of mental illness myself so I ended up being the only person that understood what mum was experiencing.
Last September, they made the decision to go back to their home country, to be cared for by their families (we still have a lot of cousins/aunts/uncles over there). My sister and I were both relieved because we figured they would be of more use than us. But chemo hit dad pretty hard and mum still wasn't doing much better, and dad - who probably has never relaxed a day in his life - still felt like he had to take care of mum while he himself is barely functioning. Both my sister and I told our parents that this is what all those relatives were for (and indeed one cousin in particular has been a lifesaver) but my dad still has trust issues and keeps going on about "oh I can't burden them" etc etc. He's always had the expectation that your children will drop everything to spend all their time with you (to be fair he's been that model child for his parents), and the both of us aren't super resourced to do that, and I know that's disappointed my parents some.
Recently my dad had a really bad reaction to chemo, which landed him in hospital, and we didn't find out until two days later. When I finally got a hold of dad, he told me that the doctors told him that he needs some kind of overnight carer, and he only trusts my mum, me, and my sister. My mum would have been his first choice but she's still not any better from her mental breakdown. I got vetoed out because I have my own health issues which would be difficult to manage in their home country. So it fell to my sister.
Telling my sister this was excruciating. I felt immensely guilty. Between the two of us, I'm the one who was unmarried and had no dependents and (until about today) had no regular job - I should be the one that's more flexible to drop everything to be the caretaker. But like I mentioned, I have chronic health issues and based on my experiences going back to that home country (everytime I went there as a kid I got food poisoning) I would be a liability. (I also have some deep issues with my parents that made me reluctant to be that caretaker and also secretly relieved at being vetoed, and those emotions have been very difficult to manage.) My sister is married with a kid, and is not exactly flush with cash, but she's in a more stable situation and also is the healthiest out of all of us. I could tell that my sister found this news difficult, but she was compassionate towards me even when I was bawling - she understood that I still wanted to help somehow.
Right now my sister is in her final week of being with my parents in the home country (she went for 3 weeks). Dad's doing a lot better thankfully, mum's improving a bit but it's hard to tell with mental breakdowns sometimes. So far my usefulness has been in trying to maintain contact with the family (and possibly money if the job pays enough, though my family is financially stable), but I do wish I could do more without my body and mind causing issues.
Do you know for sure that your siblings don't want to help? Is there something (even if small) that they can do? They might be wrangling with their own guilt and messy emotions about it, they may be more willing to assist than you know, they may just be waiting for you to give them something to do because you seem to be on top of it and in my experience (as someone who in other situations has been the on Top Of Everything Person even when that wasn't my job) people just assume that we don't need anyone's help or we're too proud to accept help.
And yes, please, find ways to care for yourself, or have someone care for you. This is draining work. You don't want to end up the same sort of liability as me.
posted by creatrixtiara at 10:06 PM on February 14, 2023
Last September, they made the decision to go back to their home country, to be cared for by their families (we still have a lot of cousins/aunts/uncles over there). My sister and I were both relieved because we figured they would be of more use than us. But chemo hit dad pretty hard and mum still wasn't doing much better, and dad - who probably has never relaxed a day in his life - still felt like he had to take care of mum while he himself is barely functioning. Both my sister and I told our parents that this is what all those relatives were for (and indeed one cousin in particular has been a lifesaver) but my dad still has trust issues and keeps going on about "oh I can't burden them" etc etc. He's always had the expectation that your children will drop everything to spend all their time with you (to be fair he's been that model child for his parents), and the both of us aren't super resourced to do that, and I know that's disappointed my parents some.
Recently my dad had a really bad reaction to chemo, which landed him in hospital, and we didn't find out until two days later. When I finally got a hold of dad, he told me that the doctors told him that he needs some kind of overnight carer, and he only trusts my mum, me, and my sister. My mum would have been his first choice but she's still not any better from her mental breakdown. I got vetoed out because I have my own health issues which would be difficult to manage in their home country. So it fell to my sister.
Telling my sister this was excruciating. I felt immensely guilty. Between the two of us, I'm the one who was unmarried and had no dependents and (until about today) had no regular job - I should be the one that's more flexible to drop everything to be the caretaker. But like I mentioned, I have chronic health issues and based on my experiences going back to that home country (everytime I went there as a kid I got food poisoning) I would be a liability. (I also have some deep issues with my parents that made me reluctant to be that caretaker and also secretly relieved at being vetoed, and those emotions have been very difficult to manage.) My sister is married with a kid, and is not exactly flush with cash, but she's in a more stable situation and also is the healthiest out of all of us. I could tell that my sister found this news difficult, but she was compassionate towards me even when I was bawling - she understood that I still wanted to help somehow.
Right now my sister is in her final week of being with my parents in the home country (she went for 3 weeks). Dad's doing a lot better thankfully, mum's improving a bit but it's hard to tell with mental breakdowns sometimes. So far my usefulness has been in trying to maintain contact with the family (and possibly money if the job pays enough, though my family is financially stable), but I do wish I could do more without my body and mind causing issues.
Do you know for sure that your siblings don't want to help? Is there something (even if small) that they can do? They might be wrangling with their own guilt and messy emotions about it, they may be more willing to assist than you know, they may just be waiting for you to give them something to do because you seem to be on top of it and in my experience (as someone who in other situations has been the on Top Of Everything Person even when that wasn't my job) people just assume that we don't need anyone's help or we're too proud to accept help.
And yes, please, find ways to care for yourself, or have someone care for you. This is draining work. You don't want to end up the same sort of liability as me.
posted by creatrixtiara at 10:06 PM on February 14, 2023
It sounds overwhelming and unfair. If it were me, I’d tell my siblings that this isn’t a sustainable situation anymore and they can either step up now or wait until you have a nervous breakdown and dump everything in their laps and leave them to flounder.
If you have at least two siblings, I recommend telling them (don’t ask - that gives them the chance to opt out) tell them to pick two days of the week where those are their days to be parent care manager and point of call. Divide the weekend so one person has a day each and no one loses a whole weekend. That makes at least four days out of a week you now get back.
Then hand over the entire care pack and leave them in charge of their days. Tell them the only time you want to hear from them on those days is if parent is literally dying, otherwise the decision making is on them.
Then go enjoy most of your week. They won’t like it, they’ll push back and that’s ok. Your siblings can do it anyway. Good luck!
posted by Jubey at 8:34 PM on February 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
If you have at least two siblings, I recommend telling them (don’t ask - that gives them the chance to opt out) tell them to pick two days of the week where those are their days to be parent care manager and point of call. Divide the weekend so one person has a day each and no one loses a whole weekend. That makes at least four days out of a week you now get back.
Then hand over the entire care pack and leave them in charge of their days. Tell them the only time you want to hear from them on those days is if parent is literally dying, otherwise the decision making is on them.
Then go enjoy most of your week. They won’t like it, they’ll push back and that’s ok. Your siblings can do it anyway. Good luck!
posted by Jubey at 8:34 PM on February 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
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posted by Ted Maul at 3:06 AM on February 14, 2023 [3 favorites]