How do I help my new roommate from Ghana?
January 25, 2023 11:00 AM Subscribe
I am living in university housing, in a dorm apartment - think the worst of both worlds combined in an unholy amalgam of student living. Mine is two bedroom, although since the last student didn't end up moving in the previous semester, I have had it alone since mid summer. Last week my new roommate moved in, and she's a graduate student from Ghana. How do I make her more comfortable and help her with the huge culture shock?
She's doing a graduate program in nursing. She's very sweet, but I didn't realize just how new she was to the US and from what I can tell, this is a big culture shock. She has been here since September, but in the more traditional dorms where there are a lot more people in a unit, a lot more help, and fewer amenities.
I am asking this for a couple reasons. The first is that even though we are equal renters in the unit, she seems to be hesitant to use the common space. I get the feeling she's acting like shes a guest in my home, not that this is her home too. I've even tried to encourage her to use the space, let her know how strange it was for me to move in a dorm that was already occupied, made space for her stuff in the kitchenette but she isn't using much of it and keeping in her room. That is ok if it is her preference, but I don't want her to feel like she has to do that.
I previously had a roommate who was from a farm outside a small town in India. So I got to see (and still do) some of the differences in what she knows and what is totally new to her. But she had family in the US, She was in the US slightly longer before I moved in, and quickly met an american guy who she started dating, so she had a good amount of help figuring things out before I even moved in.
And that's the other thing, I get the impression that this is ALL new to her. I don't know what life in Ghana was like, but it sounds as if it was much different than even my former roommate from India. And I just want to show her everything now that I've noticed it, but I don't want to embarass her.
This in particular comes from an interaction when she asked me how to use our washer and dryer in the unit. She had accidentally purchased a bottle of window cleaner that she thought was clothing detergent. When I was showing her how to use the controls on the washer, she opened the bottle and poured the window cleaner in and asked me if that was the right amount. I noticed the bottle looked not like a laundry detergent bottle but I just assumed because it was a dollar store brand, it was packaged strange but it took her asking for me to notice it wasn't for laundry.
After that, she seemed really embarassed. She said they used to hand wash in Ghana. I told her to just use my detergent until she had a chance to get her own. But even though she had expressed she had several loads of laundry to do prior, she didn't do any after that (and hasn't)
Other little things! I showed her what sponge to use to wash her dishes because she was just rinsing and using her hand. And I think she doesn't know how to use the shower, she's taking baths and using a bucket. I think, I hear water pouring from the bathroom and she's taking a bucket in.
I wanna help! But I really don't want to embarass her. I've shown her the first day she moved in, but I feel it was a lot to take in, and I explained things like I would someone from the US with the same baseline household knowledge. But I don't want to embarass her. And I don't want to assume she doesn't know things she very well does.
I also love explaining things to people, I am an over-explainer which isn't always helpful, like I was going into how the washer works. I'd love to help her out, I just dunno how and when to bring it up.
One issue I'm trying to figure out is that with my previous roommate, we immediately clicked. In part because I was dating an Indian guy and she was dating a white guy so we had lots of intimate stories to swap right out of the gate, cultural differences to discuss and so it became really easy to express to her that I don't think she's dumb and I don't think less of her for not knowing something that is US centric.
I feel a little more confounded because new roommate is lovely, sweet, smart, but we didn't have the immediate "I guess we're best friends now" "yup!" that pervious roommate and I did that made it so easy to do.
She's doing a graduate program in nursing. She's very sweet, but I didn't realize just how new she was to the US and from what I can tell, this is a big culture shock. She has been here since September, but in the more traditional dorms where there are a lot more people in a unit, a lot more help, and fewer amenities.
I am asking this for a couple reasons. The first is that even though we are equal renters in the unit, she seems to be hesitant to use the common space. I get the feeling she's acting like shes a guest in my home, not that this is her home too. I've even tried to encourage her to use the space, let her know how strange it was for me to move in a dorm that was already occupied, made space for her stuff in the kitchenette but she isn't using much of it and keeping in her room. That is ok if it is her preference, but I don't want her to feel like she has to do that.
I previously had a roommate who was from a farm outside a small town in India. So I got to see (and still do) some of the differences in what she knows and what is totally new to her. But she had family in the US, She was in the US slightly longer before I moved in, and quickly met an american guy who she started dating, so she had a good amount of help figuring things out before I even moved in.
And that's the other thing, I get the impression that this is ALL new to her. I don't know what life in Ghana was like, but it sounds as if it was much different than even my former roommate from India. And I just want to show her everything now that I've noticed it, but I don't want to embarass her.
This in particular comes from an interaction when she asked me how to use our washer and dryer in the unit. She had accidentally purchased a bottle of window cleaner that she thought was clothing detergent. When I was showing her how to use the controls on the washer, she opened the bottle and poured the window cleaner in and asked me if that was the right amount. I noticed the bottle looked not like a laundry detergent bottle but I just assumed because it was a dollar store brand, it was packaged strange but it took her asking for me to notice it wasn't for laundry.
After that, she seemed really embarassed. She said they used to hand wash in Ghana. I told her to just use my detergent until she had a chance to get her own. But even though she had expressed she had several loads of laundry to do prior, she didn't do any after that (and hasn't)
Other little things! I showed her what sponge to use to wash her dishes because she was just rinsing and using her hand. And I think she doesn't know how to use the shower, she's taking baths and using a bucket. I think, I hear water pouring from the bathroom and she's taking a bucket in.
I wanna help! But I really don't want to embarass her. I've shown her the first day she moved in, but I feel it was a lot to take in, and I explained things like I would someone from the US with the same baseline household knowledge. But I don't want to embarass her. And I don't want to assume she doesn't know things she very well does.
I also love explaining things to people, I am an over-explainer which isn't always helpful, like I was going into how the washer works. I'd love to help her out, I just dunno how and when to bring it up.
One issue I'm trying to figure out is that with my previous roommate, we immediately clicked. In part because I was dating an Indian guy and she was dating a white guy so we had lots of intimate stories to swap right out of the gate, cultural differences to discuss and so it became really easy to express to her that I don't think she's dumb and I don't think less of her for not knowing something that is US centric.
I feel a little more confounded because new roommate is lovely, sweet, smart, but we didn't have the immediate "I guess we're best friends now" "yup!" that pervious roommate and I did that made it so easy to do.
Oh, gosh, this poor woman. Have you socialized with her outside of the apartment at all? Because I feel like if you had more casual chats, it might be easier for this stuff to come up naturally in conversation without it being a Whole Big Thing Of How You Clearly Don't Get American Ways Let Me Help You You Weirdo Doofus (not that you think of her that way, just when you're an adult it's very embarrassing not to be able to work [obvious local necessity], especially if you're shy!).
The shower is a tough one, though. To be honest, sometimes I have trouble figuring out the exact levers to pull/buttons to press on other people's showers...they're rarely clearly labeled! I might just bite the bullet on this one and say something when you both happen to be near the bathroom like, "You know, I think when I was showing you around the first day I might have forgotten to show you how to turn the showerhead on. Every stupid shower in America is different! Did I? Here, you [do x]. Sorry about that!"
posted by praemunire at 11:11 AM on January 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
The shower is a tough one, though. To be honest, sometimes I have trouble figuring out the exact levers to pull/buttons to press on other people's showers...they're rarely clearly labeled! I might just bite the bullet on this one and say something when you both happen to be near the bathroom like, "You know, I think when I was showing you around the first day I might have forgotten to show you how to turn the showerhead on. Every stupid shower in America is different! Did I? Here, you [do x]. Sorry about that!"
posted by praemunire at 11:11 AM on January 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
Honestly, I'd leave her be sometimes. Maybe in a week check in with a friendly "so, how are things going, settling in okay?" and then take her at her word if she says "nope, I'm all good!" I wouldn't keep pressing the issue about her using the common room - because it may not be her "feeling like a guest", it may be about her just really wanting to keep to herself because she's an introvert and sincerely prefers it that way.
Be open to offering help with things if she asks, of course - and maybe the first couple times you check in on her say "okay, well, I'm here if you have random questions about town or stuff", or give her a gentle reminder that you can help if she needs it - but if she doesn't take you up on it, let her be. As I suspect you may have found once or twice, some people prefer to try to figure something out by themselves before someone offers them help, so if you offer help when they haven't asked for it, it rubs them the wrong way. (Also, I'd chalk her not using your laundry detergent thing up to her being a good roommate and not using your stuff!)
I also think you may have overstepped a tiny bit when you showed her the sponge - unless they're communal dishes, then let her do what she wants. And let the poor woman bathe how she's comfortable bathing, as well!
I would trust that she'll let you know if she does need help - and if she doesn't ask you for it, maybe she doesn't after all.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:12 AM on January 25, 2023 [16 favorites]
Be open to offering help with things if she asks, of course - and maybe the first couple times you check in on her say "okay, well, I'm here if you have random questions about town or stuff", or give her a gentle reminder that you can help if she needs it - but if she doesn't take you up on it, let her be. As I suspect you may have found once or twice, some people prefer to try to figure something out by themselves before someone offers them help, so if you offer help when they haven't asked for it, it rubs them the wrong way. (Also, I'd chalk her not using your laundry detergent thing up to her being a good roommate and not using your stuff!)
I also think you may have overstepped a tiny bit when you showed her the sponge - unless they're communal dishes, then let her do what she wants. And let the poor woman bathe how she's comfortable bathing, as well!
I would trust that she'll let you know if she does need help - and if she doesn't ask you for it, maybe she doesn't after all.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:12 AM on January 25, 2023 [16 favorites]
Building from what alex1965 just said, I was thinking the same - there absolutely should be some sort of student support services at your university. Find out who that contact it, and contact them yourself.
It might be possible to find that person to connect her with via them, then invite the person to come over and hand out, and maybe they can be your connection to help ensure things go smoothly?
posted by stormyteal at 11:13 AM on January 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
It might be possible to find that person to connect her with via them, then invite the person to come over and hand out, and maybe they can be your connection to help ensure things go smoothly?
posted by stormyteal at 11:13 AM on January 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
I would maybe start by offering to make dinner with/for her a few times, maybe go to the grocery store together? Eating and cooking together is naturally social in a way that doing laundry isn’t, but it’s still going to have a lot of the same sort of cultural pitfalls for her. So if you can get into a rhythm of eating together sometimes, maybe you can build up enough of a social bond that it’s easier for her to turn to you for help with functioning in America generally.
posted by LizardBreath at 11:13 AM on January 25, 2023 [23 favorites]
posted by LizardBreath at 11:13 AM on January 25, 2023 [23 favorites]
when I was in college my uni had organizations and spaces for international students. maybe help her find some groups/orgs etc., for foreign students. she might find it easier to start some friendships with others in her situation (even if not from Ghana) and less embarrassing to ask questions/seek help.
posted by supermedusa at 11:14 AM on January 25, 2023
posted by supermedusa at 11:14 AM on January 25, 2023
And let the poor woman bathe how she's comfortable bathing, as well!
If she were doing a tub-sponge-next-to-the-bath, I'd think that was just a different bathing arrangement, but if she's literally filling up a bucket and pouring it over her head repeatedly while standing in the bath, that seems like either she can't get the showerhead on (which, as I mentioned, I often find tricky!) or she thinks water is a limited or expensive resource, which is not true in most parts of the U.S. (at least, not yet). I agree that you don't want to assume that she doesn't know the "right" way every time she does anything different, but I can still remember the bafflement of some of my own foreign ventures, and the acute embarrassment of feeling one needed to ask for help to work the dishwasher or whatever.
posted by praemunire at 11:15 AM on January 25, 2023
If she were doing a tub-sponge-next-to-the-bath, I'd think that was just a different bathing arrangement, but if she's literally filling up a bucket and pouring it over her head repeatedly while standing in the bath, that seems like either she can't get the showerhead on (which, as I mentioned, I often find tricky!) or she thinks water is a limited or expensive resource, which is not true in most parts of the U.S. (at least, not yet). I agree that you don't want to assume that she doesn't know the "right" way every time she does anything different, but I can still remember the bafflement of some of my own foreign ventures, and the acute embarrassment of feeling one needed to ask for help to work the dishwasher or whatever.
posted by praemunire at 11:15 AM on January 25, 2023
I lived in a small city in an East African country for several months a few years ago, and I had to learn how to do laundry, how to bathe (our water supply was inconsistent), how to buy furniture and bedding, how to do most everything. It's a lot! I once made a terrible faux paus because I didn't know to stand up when someone was giving me a gift. Apparently it was incredibly rude! (Someone tipped me off, though.) An Ethiopian colleague of mine, was I told him I felt terrible struggling with things that were easy for everyone else around me, said, "How would you know how to do this? I have lived here my whole life and it's the only way I know." That was very kind of him, and it helped me a lot to hear it.
Anyway, I think the way to build trust and connection with your roommate isn't so much by being the cultural interpreter and explainer of the US, but to take an interest in Ghana and her life there. You said you don't know much about her life there. What a fantastic opportunity for you to learn! What's life like, what kind of food does she eat there, etc.
Not if she doesn't want to talk about this, of course. But you said she is lovely and sweet, and I wonder if she might appreciate the opportunity to talk about home, and what she misses, and her life there. That might help build a bond because you can demonstrate interest and respect in what she does now, instead of focusing (with great intention!) on what she doesn't know.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:49 AM on January 25, 2023 [14 favorites]
Anyway, I think the way to build trust and connection with your roommate isn't so much by being the cultural interpreter and explainer of the US, but to take an interest in Ghana and her life there. You said you don't know much about her life there. What a fantastic opportunity for you to learn! What's life like, what kind of food does she eat there, etc.
Not if she doesn't want to talk about this, of course. But you said she is lovely and sweet, and I wonder if she might appreciate the opportunity to talk about home, and what she misses, and her life there. That might help build a bond because you can demonstrate interest and respect in what she does now, instead of focusing (with great intention!) on what she doesn't know.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:49 AM on January 25, 2023 [14 favorites]
About the shower, I've got to say that U.S. showers are always a puzzle for me. Every hotel room has its own particular puzzle.
Maybe acknowledging that out loud in a (very safe) social conversation, like, over coffee or shared food, with words like: "Showers here are always a puzzle, have you figured out how ours works? I'm sure it's different from back home. If you want, I can show you, it is like one I had at home." You might also say something like: "Showers work in all kinds of different ways here. They aren't all like the one we have!" - Because that is not at all obvious to people whose formative plumbing experiences are from elsewhere.
More power to her for being brave enough to travel so far for studies! She's brave. So are you - and generous. I'm so glad I get to be in the world with you both.
posted by Shunra at 11:51 AM on January 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
Maybe acknowledging that out loud in a (very safe) social conversation, like, over coffee or shared food, with words like: "Showers here are always a puzzle, have you figured out how ours works? I'm sure it's different from back home. If you want, I can show you, it is like one I had at home." You might also say something like: "Showers work in all kinds of different ways here. They aren't all like the one we have!" - Because that is not at all obvious to people whose formative plumbing experiences are from elsewhere.
More power to her for being brave enough to travel so far for studies! She's brave. So are you - and generous. I'm so glad I get to be in the world with you both.
posted by Shunra at 11:51 AM on January 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
All of this concern about shower habits and dishwashing habits is making my skin crawl. Some people grow up taking bucket baths… and like it! Even if she’s using a bucket and a cup because she’s afraid of wasting water, just let her take her efficient shower! Have you considered that, if she has very curly hair, that she doesn’t use the shower because she doesn’t want to deal with re-styling after getting her hair wet?! For fuck’s sake! I am a forty-something white American woman and I hardly *ever* use a sponge to wash dishes - my hands do a better job on 99% of cases, and most people’s dish sponges are mildewed horrorshows.
Stop thinking of your foreign friends as if they were babies who need you to parent them. If you grew up washing dishes by hand, would you have called it “culture shock” the first time you ate at a friend’s house with a dishwasher? No! You would have called it “I feel embarrassed because I don’t know how to work this thing.”
Buy your roommate a bottle of laundry detergent, a cute basket or bag for clothes, and a card asking her on a fun laundry-date for next Sunday afternoon. You bring your clothes, she brings hers, you gab or read or study while the loads do their thing, you head home and high-five.
Invite her to hang out with you and your friends. Let her know she’s free to bring her friends over to use the common space. Be a friendly and considerate person, just like you would if she were from Peoria or Alameda or the Bronx.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 11:57 AM on January 25, 2023 [38 favorites]
Stop thinking of your foreign friends as if they were babies who need you to parent them. If you grew up washing dishes by hand, would you have called it “culture shock” the first time you ate at a friend’s house with a dishwasher? No! You would have called it “I feel embarrassed because I don’t know how to work this thing.”
Buy your roommate a bottle of laundry detergent, a cute basket or bag for clothes, and a card asking her on a fun laundry-date for next Sunday afternoon. You bring your clothes, she brings hers, you gab or read or study while the loads do their thing, you head home and high-five.
Invite her to hang out with you and your friends. Let her know she’s free to bring her friends over to use the common space. Be a friendly and considerate person, just like you would if she were from Peoria or Alameda or the Bronx.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 11:57 AM on January 25, 2023 [38 favorites]
I appreciate your kindness and care in wanting to be helpful to your new roommate! You're also being careful re: how not to overstep in offering that help. This is so thoughtful and lovely of you.
I agree with commenters above who suggest that you invite her to go out with friends, and/or to grocery shop, and ask her about life in Ghana too. I imagine that this will help her feel less shy and cautious, and bit by bit you will become more comfortable with each other, and she will become more at ease asking questions re: household stuff. It may take some time, and she may continue to be shy, but a light-hearted, "let's do some things together" approach will probably help a bunch.
posted by marlys at 12:17 PM on January 25, 2023 [5 favorites]
I agree with commenters above who suggest that you invite her to go out with friends, and/or to grocery shop, and ask her about life in Ghana too. I imagine that this will help her feel less shy and cautious, and bit by bit you will become more comfortable with each other, and she will become more at ease asking questions re: household stuff. It may take some time, and she may continue to be shy, but a light-hearted, "let's do some things together" approach will probably help a bunch.
posted by marlys at 12:17 PM on January 25, 2023 [5 favorites]
You have the best of intentions and it's good you're being cautious as to respect her dignity. I like the suggestions of hanging out together outside the apartment, inviting her to meet your friends, sharing meals together, and more. You both could join the international student group because it would be beneficial for both of you!
It seems to me that she's bathing this way by choice. Showering is nice but it's just one way to bathe. She's in grad school for nursing abroad so we know she's smart and can figure so much out. I'd think she's also ask her American boyfriend for help if needed? The laundry thing? I'd totally have done that as an American living abroad in Germany and Argentina. The packaging can be so confusing! I don't know her socioeconomic background but life in Ghana can be way fancier than the US. This influencer video came up first when I googled "life in Ghana." Perhaps she doesn't know how to do laundry because she always had housekeepers who did it? A friend from Costa Rica who grew up upper class talked about how embarrassed she was to not know how to do laundry when she moved to the US for grad school. India is your point of reference but it's just one point of reference. You are thoughtful to think of your partner and old roommate but, again, everyone is different and every country and region is different.
A few years ago I had someone, a fellow American, assume that I couldn't load a dishwasher properly (as in, his preferred way) because I grew up "so poor." He also told me I was the poorest person he knows. He meant this as gentle pity but it was so ignorant and cruel. This is hilarious in retrospect because it's so bizarre but wtf?! Dignity is the keyword here: ask her if she wants you to explain anything in the apartment not because she's from Ghana but because every person in a new housing situation probably has some questions and needs some help.
posted by smorgasbord at 12:46 PM on January 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
It seems to me that she's bathing this way by choice. Showering is nice but it's just one way to bathe. She's in grad school for nursing abroad so we know she's smart and can figure so much out. I'd think she's also ask her American boyfriend for help if needed? The laundry thing? I'd totally have done that as an American living abroad in Germany and Argentina. The packaging can be so confusing! I don't know her socioeconomic background but life in Ghana can be way fancier than the US. This influencer video came up first when I googled "life in Ghana." Perhaps she doesn't know how to do laundry because she always had housekeepers who did it? A friend from Costa Rica who grew up upper class talked about how embarrassed she was to not know how to do laundry when she moved to the US for grad school. India is your point of reference but it's just one point of reference. You are thoughtful to think of your partner and old roommate but, again, everyone is different and every country and region is different.
A few years ago I had someone, a fellow American, assume that I couldn't load a dishwasher properly (as in, his preferred way) because I grew up "so poor." He also told me I was the poorest person he knows. He meant this as gentle pity but it was so ignorant and cruel. This is hilarious in retrospect because it's so bizarre but wtf?! Dignity is the keyword here: ask her if she wants you to explain anything in the apartment not because she's from Ghana but because every person in a new housing situation probably has some questions and needs some help.
posted by smorgasbord at 12:46 PM on January 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
Seconding the idea to invite her to eat/cook together, or watch a movie together, just so you can get to know each other better, and that might help her feel more comfortable in the common spaces and with you in general.
posted by pinochiette at 12:49 PM on January 25, 2023
posted by pinochiette at 12:49 PM on January 25, 2023
It sounds like she’s willing to ask you when she really needs to, like about the washer/dryer, so I think maybe you can take a step back and let her take the lead here. A check in would be nice in a week or two in a “now that you’re settled in a bit, is there anything you want to change up about our space or anything I can help you with to start feeling at home?” way.
But some of this stuff feels like it could be overbearing or unwelcome if she may just prefer to do things her way.
I think if you just focus on getting to know her more generally, asking about her life and telling her about yours, inviting her for a movie night, whatever, that will open up more space for her to come to you with anything she does want help with.
posted by Stacey at 12:55 PM on January 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
But some of this stuff feels like it could be overbearing or unwelcome if she may just prefer to do things her way.
I think if you just focus on getting to know her more generally, asking about her life and telling her about yours, inviting her for a movie night, whatever, that will open up more space for her to come to you with anything she does want help with.
posted by Stacey at 12:55 PM on January 25, 2023 [1 favorite]
You seem to have good intentions, but the way you describe your roommate, and some of the assumptions you've made about her, come across as quite patronizing - and possibly inaccurate. You don't seem to know much about her, but you're already comparing her to a former roommate from a small rural village in India, assuming that she's suffering from "culture shock", etc. Like, I would really, really encourage you to question what types of assumptions you're making about her experiences and why.
The pot might already be poisoned, but one way you could have helped would have been to say: "Hey, feel free to ask me any questions, even if you're worried they might be stupid. I know what it's like to study abroad and have to learn how things work in a new country."
(If you don't have that experience, hmmm. Something else.)
And then let her come to you with questions when she wants, and don't meddle otherwise, unless there is actually a real risk of undesirable consequences (like ruining her clothes with window cleaner). Don't assume ignorance unnecessarily.
Basically, stop thinking of her as your roommate from Ghana who needs your beneficient help. Treat her like you would your roommate from France, or Russia, or anywhere else you don't have the same assumptions. Yes, there will be things that are unfamiliar to her, but you're not her parent, or her older sibling; treat her like a peer. Offer friendship, not mentorship.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 12:55 PM on January 25, 2023 [10 favorites]
The pot might already be poisoned, but one way you could have helped would have been to say: "Hey, feel free to ask me any questions, even if you're worried they might be stupid. I know what it's like to study abroad and have to learn how things work in a new country."
(If you don't have that experience, hmmm. Something else.)
And then let her come to you with questions when she wants, and don't meddle otherwise, unless there is actually a real risk of undesirable consequences (like ruining her clothes with window cleaner). Don't assume ignorance unnecessarily.
Basically, stop thinking of her as your roommate from Ghana who needs your beneficient help. Treat her like you would your roommate from France, or Russia, or anywhere else you don't have the same assumptions. Yes, there will be things that are unfamiliar to her, but you're not her parent, or her older sibling; treat her like a peer. Offer friendship, not mentorship.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 12:55 PM on January 25, 2023 [10 favorites]
I lived in Togo for two years and the following points might be helpful
- bucket showers are the most typical and I honestly prefer them in certain ways. However, if you have AC on, or the apartment is cold, they can be cold (even when you’ve heated up the water) because you don’t have the steam warming up the room. You may mention the shower again later if she seems cold. Otherwise it’s fine
- typically even the one family I knew who had a washer prefered hand washing because American style washers kind of seem like you’re just leaving all your clothes in a big dirty bucket and calling them “clean” after. Also it was typical to hand wash your underwear in the shower each night and then leave it to dry somewhere “private” (or arrange it on the line hidden by something else).
- foods tend to be spicy and it might be a nice idea to share a favorite hot sauce, or various hot suces with her over a shared meal (or with a “neutral” food like rice). Even better, offer to take her out to dinner somewhere if possible.
- I’ve known a lot of international students who have had some terrible experiences, and often if they happen at the beginning of their experience they really shape the rest of their time. Things in particular can be upsetting a previous roommate, or someone complained about dishes, etc so now they kind of say to themselves “ok, Americans get really upset about dishes, I’ll just keep them in my space.” Or what’s ok to share in the fridge and what’s not isn't obvious and then roommates get upset that they took “their” groceries. If they’ve already been here for a semester, they may have had that experience.
Echoing that there should definitely be some kind of international student group available as well
posted by raccoon409 at 12:58 PM on January 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
- bucket showers are the most typical and I honestly prefer them in certain ways. However, if you have AC on, or the apartment is cold, they can be cold (even when you’ve heated up the water) because you don’t have the steam warming up the room. You may mention the shower again later if she seems cold. Otherwise it’s fine
- typically even the one family I knew who had a washer prefered hand washing because American style washers kind of seem like you’re just leaving all your clothes in a big dirty bucket and calling them “clean” after. Also it was typical to hand wash your underwear in the shower each night and then leave it to dry somewhere “private” (or arrange it on the line hidden by something else).
- foods tend to be spicy and it might be a nice idea to share a favorite hot sauce, or various hot suces with her over a shared meal (or with a “neutral” food like rice). Even better, offer to take her out to dinner somewhere if possible.
- I’ve known a lot of international students who have had some terrible experiences, and often if they happen at the beginning of their experience they really shape the rest of their time. Things in particular can be upsetting a previous roommate, or someone complained about dishes, etc so now they kind of say to themselves “ok, Americans get really upset about dishes, I’ll just keep them in my space.” Or what’s ok to share in the fridge and what’s not isn't obvious and then roommates get upset that they took “their” groceries. If they’ve already been here for a semester, they may have had that experience.
Echoing that there should definitely be some kind of international student group available as well
posted by raccoon409 at 12:58 PM on January 25, 2023 [2 favorites]
I can see how someone NOT from the (totally inadequate term) "first world" would find the amenities around us, the things we take for granted, completely overwhelming.
I would schedule a 15-30 minute "orientation" EVERY DAY, just to show her some part of life around us, things she's curious about, things she doesn't understand, how to shop, how to use the shower, how to use the washer/dryer, things like that. Once she's gotten used to certain things, you can relax the schedule, as this will be significant "time suck" on you for a while.
Have her write down a whole list of things she wants to learn about "life" in general, then have her pick a topic to explore, and you can show her. Hopefully, you can eventually exhaust the list. :D
posted by kschang at 1:03 PM on January 25, 2023
I would schedule a 15-30 minute "orientation" EVERY DAY, just to show her some part of life around us, things she's curious about, things she doesn't understand, how to shop, how to use the shower, how to use the washer/dryer, things like that. Once she's gotten used to certain things, you can relax the schedule, as this will be significant "time suck" on you for a while.
Have her write down a whole list of things she wants to learn about "life" in general, then have her pick a topic to explore, and you can show her. Hopefully, you can eventually exhaust the list. :D
posted by kschang at 1:03 PM on January 25, 2023
I've lived in West Africa (albeit not Ghana), but yeah, I would work on assuming her different ways of doing things are wrong - especially the shower thing - bucket showers are perfectly fine. And I wouldn't worry about her spending most of her time in her room - she is probably exhausted from getting through the day, and likely just needs some alone time. You've made it's clear she's welcome to take up space and that's great, but don't push it.
Also, don't assume her experience represents all of Ghana - there are Ghanians in Accra living lives very similar to the typical American - clearly your roommate isn't one of them, but please don't patronize her with statements like "Oh, so this is how it's done in Ghana." Just like there is no one way of living in the US, the same goes for any other country.
I agree with everyone suggesting you invite her out with friends, offer to cook her dinner, show interest in learning how to cook some of her favorite foods, offer to take her to the grocery store + Target/Wallmart so she can get all the basics she needs (ideally, your school should be helping with this...my PhD program helped out all the international grad students get set up, so like others are saying, I'd make sure there isn't some resource she's not aware of)
posted by coffeecat at 1:37 PM on January 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
Also, don't assume her experience represents all of Ghana - there are Ghanians in Accra living lives very similar to the typical American - clearly your roommate isn't one of them, but please don't patronize her with statements like "Oh, so this is how it's done in Ghana." Just like there is no one way of living in the US, the same goes for any other country.
I agree with everyone suggesting you invite her out with friends, offer to cook her dinner, show interest in learning how to cook some of her favorite foods, offer to take her to the grocery store + Target/Wallmart so she can get all the basics she needs (ideally, your school should be helping with this...my PhD program helped out all the international grad students get set up, so like others are saying, I'd make sure there isn't some resource she's not aware of)
posted by coffeecat at 1:37 PM on January 25, 2023 [3 favorites]
Also to add to this point upthread Offer friendship, not mentorship.
Your roommate has traveled a great distance to further her ambitions - don't just ask her about Ghana, but also ask her about her studies and her dreams for the future. She may be more comfortable talking about her studies/plans than her past.
posted by coffeecat at 1:54 PM on January 25, 2023 [9 favorites]
Your roommate has traveled a great distance to further her ambitions - don't just ask her about Ghana, but also ask her about her studies and her dreams for the future. She may be more comfortable talking about her studies/plans than her past.
posted by coffeecat at 1:54 PM on January 25, 2023 [9 favorites]
Dear God, please don’t schedule her 15 minute daily lessons in how to live correctly in the USA, until such time as you deem she’s learned enough.
She’s already shown she’ll ask you for help if she needs it. Baths and bucket showers are fine, washing dishes with your hands is fine. I’ve had flatmates who spent the whole time in their room and flatmates who hung out with me in the living room - they were all from the same city. People are all different and they don’t necessarily need bringing in line with your expectations.
Be friendly, invite her to eat with you sometimes or suggest a trip to the store together if you find yourselves talking about food, ask her about her home, her course, whatever, and otherwise let her do her thing. Especially if you know you’re an over-explainer, just take a deep breath and chill a little.
Let her take the lead in letting you know if she needs help with anything and unless she’s literally about to break something, let her get on with things the way she’s used to doing them. If you hadn’t shown her that she “should” be using the sponge, for example, she’d have seen you doing it sooner or later, and could have then decided which she’d prefer. Now she kind of has to do it your way or risk feeling like she’s spurning your advice.
Consider that possibly you have culture shock yourself! :) It can be unnerving to discover that other people live so differently from you, and one way we sometimes respond to that is in an urge to emphasise the rightness of the way we do things, to reassure ourselves. Give yourself some grace, let her do her thing, and try and concentrate your very admirable care for her on being friendly rather than on teaching her unless she asks.
posted by penguin pie at 2:13 PM on January 25, 2023 [23 favorites]
She’s already shown she’ll ask you for help if she needs it. Baths and bucket showers are fine, washing dishes with your hands is fine. I’ve had flatmates who spent the whole time in their room and flatmates who hung out with me in the living room - they were all from the same city. People are all different and they don’t necessarily need bringing in line with your expectations.
Be friendly, invite her to eat with you sometimes or suggest a trip to the store together if you find yourselves talking about food, ask her about her home, her course, whatever, and otherwise let her do her thing. Especially if you know you’re an over-explainer, just take a deep breath and chill a little.
Let her take the lead in letting you know if she needs help with anything and unless she’s literally about to break something, let her get on with things the way she’s used to doing them. If you hadn’t shown her that she “should” be using the sponge, for example, she’d have seen you doing it sooner or later, and could have then decided which she’d prefer. Now she kind of has to do it your way or risk feeling like she’s spurning your advice.
Consider that possibly you have culture shock yourself! :) It can be unnerving to discover that other people live so differently from you, and one way we sometimes respond to that is in an urge to emphasise the rightness of the way we do things, to reassure ourselves. Give yourself some grace, let her do her thing, and try and concentrate your very admirable care for her on being friendly rather than on teaching her unless she asks.
posted by penguin pie at 2:13 PM on January 25, 2023 [23 favorites]
You seem like a lovely person, and like you mean well, but your question is giving me the vibes that remind me of Charity Ekezie's sketches like this "do you have toothbrushes in Africa?" one.
The thing is, however you mean it, tracking and micromanaging how she washes dishes, and how she showers, is liable to come across as invasive and paternalistic. So I recommend that you drop it. Presumably you already told her she can use you as a resource if she has questions -- and maybe she will, if and when she is more comfortable with you. Right now, I think it's possible that in your desire to make her feel practically comfortable at home, you are making her uncomfortable in the broader sense. This is not a noblesse oblige / white man's burden situation for you to solve.
posted by virve at 2:18 PM on January 25, 2023 [9 favorites]
The thing is, however you mean it, tracking and micromanaging how she washes dishes, and how she showers, is liable to come across as invasive and paternalistic. So I recommend that you drop it. Presumably you already told her she can use you as a resource if she has questions -- and maybe she will, if and when she is more comfortable with you. Right now, I think it's possible that in your desire to make her feel practically comfortable at home, you are making her uncomfortable in the broader sense. This is not a noblesse oblige / white man's burden situation for you to solve.
posted by virve at 2:18 PM on January 25, 2023 [9 favorites]
Like others here, I thought, maybe bucket bathing is just how she likes to do it. It's so personal and there isn't a "wrong" way. If she's getting water everywhere and it's creating floor problems that Western bath design isn't set up to deal with, then that's another matter, but as several above have said, it's one you are better off addressing as a peer.
Re: the detergent, can you afford to just share what you've got going forward? That way if she isn't sure what to buy in the store she won't have to worry. This is an item it would make sense to me for roommates to share anyway unless there are allergies in play.
In general, I think if there's a chance her pride is injured, dialing the advice back and not up is the way to go. Make small talk about her classes, campus activities, movies, books, whatever.
posted by eirias at 2:40 PM on January 25, 2023
Re: the detergent, can you afford to just share what you've got going forward? That way if she isn't sure what to buy in the store she won't have to worry. This is an item it would make sense to me for roommates to share anyway unless there are allergies in play.
In general, I think if there's a chance her pride is injured, dialing the advice back and not up is the way to go. Make small talk about her classes, campus activities, movies, books, whatever.
posted by eirias at 2:40 PM on January 25, 2023
You need to establish a bond of trust for her to be comfortable asking, or you to be comfortable explaining, anything in this realm. So, focus on that.
- Maybe you and she could make dinner for each other on different nights? Oh wow, I love this idea. How awesome to be able to do this. Or maybe I'm just hungry.
- Coordinate shopping trips? If you drive, it will save fuel; if you walk, or take public transport, it can be very helpful to have someone else to help hold things or to open doors, and it's also just fun. Plus, you can both save money if you buy, say, a bag of flour together.
- Throw a party with people who you like and/or who you think might make good friends for her.
- Have regular "roomie check-ins" where you just see how each other are feeling. It doesn't have to be about chores, or it could be 15 minutes about life and 5 minutes about chores, or something.
- Clean the refrigerator, or anything else in the apartment, together.
posted by amtho at 3:55 PM on January 25, 2023
- Maybe you and she could make dinner for each other on different nights? Oh wow, I love this idea. How awesome to be able to do this. Or maybe I'm just hungry.
- Coordinate shopping trips? If you drive, it will save fuel; if you walk, or take public transport, it can be very helpful to have someone else to help hold things or to open doors, and it's also just fun. Plus, you can both save money if you buy, say, a bag of flour together.
- Throw a party with people who you like and/or who you think might make good friends for her.
- Have regular "roomie check-ins" where you just see how each other are feeling. It doesn't have to be about chores, or it could be 15 minutes about life and 5 minutes about chores, or something.
- Clean the refrigerator, or anything else in the apartment, together.
posted by amtho at 3:55 PM on January 25, 2023
I agree with everyone saying it'd be best to just try to get to know her as a person and develop a rapport, and possibly a friendship with her. That way, she will be more comfortable asking you any questions that she may have.
I've been a foreigner in a very different culture for years and yes, culture shock is exhausting and it is usually comforting to do every day things the way that you are used to. I lived in China for several years, and many every day things were done differently, from bathing to cleaning to cooking to eating. It would have been hard for me to adjust to everything all at once- and also, unnecessary. I wasn't about to give up my coffee habit or habit of cold drinks in the winter (considered bad for your system).
I always appreciated people who respected my desire to maintain certain practices that were comfortable for me, while also sharing local practices (but not necessarily expecting me to conform).
posted by bearette at 6:02 PM on January 25, 2023 [4 favorites]
I've been a foreigner in a very different culture for years and yes, culture shock is exhausting and it is usually comforting to do every day things the way that you are used to. I lived in China for several years, and many every day things were done differently, from bathing to cleaning to cooking to eating. It would have been hard for me to adjust to everything all at once- and also, unnecessary. I wasn't about to give up my coffee habit or habit of cold drinks in the winter (considered bad for your system).
I always appreciated people who respected my desire to maintain certain practices that were comfortable for me, while also sharing local practices (but not necessarily expecting me to conform).
posted by bearette at 6:02 PM on January 25, 2023 [4 favorites]
[insert clever name here], I have been chewing on this all afternoon. Other commenters have focused on your good intentions, and I can see them, too! I am glad that you want your roommate to feel comfortable and confident.
That said, I don’t think you’d be writing this question if your roommate were exactly the same, just American. If you had a shy Black roommate, would you offer to connect them to the Black Student Union? Would you bring home Gay-Straight Alliance fliers for a queer roommate who didn’t use the common space? I don’t think you would, and I think it’s worth asking yourself why.
We cannot control or fix other people’s feelings or choices. If someone else is shy, withdrawn, unhappy, etc., we can support them, but it is not our job to change their feelings. Orchestrating someone else’s personal life because we think they need to build X skill or make Y social connections is controlling, not kind.
I actually think this post is more about *your* feelings than you may notice: you talk about how much *you* like to explain things, how much you enjoyed the friendship you shared with your previous roommate.
These are *your* feelings. They are real and valid. Own them and process them for yourself, without projecting them onto your roommate by making her into your acculturation project.
I work in international development, and so have spent the past fifteen years enmeshed in a network of Americans who are fueled deeply by good intentions, but often infantilize and disempower their foreign colleagues without explicitly intending it.
As others have pointed out, your roommate is such a badass that she is completing a *graduate-level nursing degree* in a foreign country, possibly with coursework in her second, third, or fourth language. Ask yourself what assumptions you are making about her feelings, motivations, and capacities. Then, ask *why* you are making these assumptions, and try to let them go.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 6:27 PM on January 25, 2023 [17 favorites]
That said, I don’t think you’d be writing this question if your roommate were exactly the same, just American. If you had a shy Black roommate, would you offer to connect them to the Black Student Union? Would you bring home Gay-Straight Alliance fliers for a queer roommate who didn’t use the common space? I don’t think you would, and I think it’s worth asking yourself why.
We cannot control or fix other people’s feelings or choices. If someone else is shy, withdrawn, unhappy, etc., we can support them, but it is not our job to change their feelings. Orchestrating someone else’s personal life because we think they need to build X skill or make Y social connections is controlling, not kind.
I actually think this post is more about *your* feelings than you may notice: you talk about how much *you* like to explain things, how much you enjoyed the friendship you shared with your previous roommate.
These are *your* feelings. They are real and valid. Own them and process them for yourself, without projecting them onto your roommate by making her into your acculturation project.
I work in international development, and so have spent the past fifteen years enmeshed in a network of Americans who are fueled deeply by good intentions, but often infantilize and disempower their foreign colleagues without explicitly intending it.
As others have pointed out, your roommate is such a badass that she is completing a *graduate-level nursing degree* in a foreign country, possibly with coursework in her second, third, or fourth language. Ask yourself what assumptions you are making about her feelings, motivations, and capacities. Then, ask *why* you are making these assumptions, and try to let them go.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 6:27 PM on January 25, 2023 [17 favorites]
Want to co-sign rrrrrrrrt’s insightful comment but also want to point out that English is the official language of Ghana and the language of schools there. That doesn’t mean it was the roommate’s language, but let’s be careful about congratulating native speakers of English on their skills in English.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:21 PM on January 25, 2023 [8 favorites]
posted by bluedaisy at 8:21 PM on January 25, 2023 [8 favorites]
As a former study abroad student, I love this question! My roommates made all the difference in my experience.
I think I’d focus on shared household experiences. Like going grocery shopping together, sharing meals, inviting some of your nicest friends over.
posted by haptic_avenger at 5:58 AM on January 26, 2023 [2 favorites]
I think I’d focus on shared household experiences. Like going grocery shopping together, sharing meals, inviting some of your nicest friends over.
posted by haptic_avenger at 5:58 AM on January 26, 2023 [2 favorites]
I have the opposite view of rrrrrrrrrt. I've been deeply grateful to those kindhearted people who alleviated my confusion or awkwardness when I was faced with unfamiliar circumstances, whether those circumstances were related to cultural differences (like when I spent time in Japan and Russia), orienting to a new job, learning new technology -- or even just making me comfortable at a cocktail party where I don't know anyone (I hate those). The trick is to be tactful and patient about it.
posted by alex1965 at 8:16 AM on January 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by alex1965 at 8:16 AM on January 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
She wouldn't be there unless she's smart and accomplished. I think a great kindness would be to allow her to be an expert. Ask her about food form Ghana, about her subject, about the country.
posted by theora55 at 8:50 AM on January 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 8:50 AM on January 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
bluedaisy, very true! (That’s the reason why I wrote “possibly”.) Thanks for making it clear.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 9:03 AM on January 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 9:03 AM on January 26, 2023 [1 favorite]
I have the opposite view of rrrrrrrrrt. I've been deeply grateful to those kindhearted people who alleviated my confusion or awkwardness when I was faced with unfamiliar circumstances, whether those circumstances were related to cultural differences (like when I spent time in Japan and Russia)
Yes, I totally agree on how grateful I am to the kindhearted people who helped when I was abroad!! But the difference here is the stereotypes and assumptions people make about the different countries and people who live there. As a white American in Japan and Russia, I may face discrimination and stereotypes but it's very different than the discrimination and stereotypes someone from Ghana is going to face when coming to the US, Japan or Russia. No one is going to assume that I don't know how to turn on a shower despite having an advanced degree in a highly technical medical field. (Which I don't but you know what I mean.) People will assume that the most ignorant American knows this or can figure it out while the most educated Ghanaian is going to sometimes face being seen as ignorant. Everyone deserves equal respect but often North Americans and Europeans are simply afforded more dignity.
posted by smorgasbord at 5:27 PM on January 26, 2023 [4 favorites]
Yes, I totally agree on how grateful I am to the kindhearted people who helped when I was abroad!! But the difference here is the stereotypes and assumptions people make about the different countries and people who live there. As a white American in Japan and Russia, I may face discrimination and stereotypes but it's very different than the discrimination and stereotypes someone from Ghana is going to face when coming to the US, Japan or Russia. No one is going to assume that I don't know how to turn on a shower despite having an advanced degree in a highly technical medical field. (Which I don't but you know what I mean.) People will assume that the most ignorant American knows this or can figure it out while the most educated Ghanaian is going to sometimes face being seen as ignorant. Everyone deserves equal respect but often North Americans and Europeans are simply afforded more dignity.
posted by smorgasbord at 5:27 PM on January 26, 2023 [4 favorites]
So I've been an international student twice, including once in the US. While I grew up very "Westernised" and had native level English from the get go, there was still a lot of culture shock I had to deal with in both places. A lot of it was logistical - there are a LOT of things that locals take for granted that international students can't access easily (e.g. anything to do with credit scores, you're not typically going to get one on arrival), and then there's just the general day to day stuff that you wouldn't think would be a big issue but alas (Australians, why do y'all not rinse your dishes). I also was raised rather coddled, not being allowed to do chores even when I wanted to, so I had to learn all the household stuff as an adult - my Aussie boyfriend and his mum taught me how to clean a bathroom. But I asked for that help, and I only asked when I could trust that they wouldn't laugh at me for asking.
It can take about a year for international students to acclimate. There's a lot of things you don't know that you didn't know, and you're getting a lot of contradictory information, and yes people can often be patronising while being deeply unhelpful. Are you sure you know your advice is applicable to your housemate? (I was very briefly in the student union in Australia and I had to tell my cohort that there's no use trying to campaign to international students using "we can help you with Centrelink/social security" because we're not allowed to access it.)
The way they bathe is fine. If the dishes are clean, how they wash them is none of your business. Your enthusiasm is well meaning, but try not to turn your housemate into a project.
posted by creatrixtiara at 9:43 PM on January 26, 2023 [3 favorites]
It can take about a year for international students to acclimate. There's a lot of things you don't know that you didn't know, and you're getting a lot of contradictory information, and yes people can often be patronising while being deeply unhelpful. Are you sure you know your advice is applicable to your housemate? (I was very briefly in the student union in Australia and I had to tell my cohort that there's no use trying to campaign to international students using "we can help you with Centrelink/social security" because we're not allowed to access it.)
The way they bathe is fine. If the dishes are clean, how they wash them is none of your business. Your enthusiasm is well meaning, but try not to turn your housemate into a project.
posted by creatrixtiara at 9:43 PM on January 26, 2023 [3 favorites]
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posted by alex1965 at 11:10 AM on January 25, 2023 [10 favorites]