Guide for engagement ring shopping?
January 15, 2023 8:24 AM Subscribe
My girlfriend and I (male) have begun looking at jewelry stores for an engagement ring for her. It's been a good experience so far, but I was hoping to get any advice on (1) what we should be looking for or mindful of, if anything, when choosing a jeweler, and (2) what we should be looking for or mindful of, if anything, when considering the setting and diamond. Alternatively, what do you now wish you had known or looked for or asked about if you could go back to when you first searched for an engagement ring. Further details within of where we are.
We aren't looking at nationwide jewelry chains, instead smaller, local businesses. She has taste ideas of size and shape of the diamond, the shape and color of the setting, and other such things.
Regarding (1): is there anything to care about here? Do we just go with a place that has the ring she wants and where we liked our experience with the place? Or should we care about whether the place runs on commission, whether a place is GIA certified, etc. One place advertised that they don't run on commission because the employees are members of the family that own the business. Both places advertised that their ring care policy cannot be voided by us failing to have the ring brought in every six months for maintenance. What level of service can we reasonably want in the ring ordering process? I assume we can't expect a place to manufacture the setting we want twice at two different sizes or for two different stone shapes so we can see how it looks in person on her? But both places seem flexible with diamonds, such that they'll order various diamonds around our specifications, and we'll be able to come in and choose which diamond we want.
Regarding (2): we were told by one place that moissoanite has durability issues and that white gold is more durable than rose gold. Another place told us that the durability advantage for rose gold is marginal and doesn't matter and that rose gold won't wear down to show yellow which would require maintenance. We're looking to get a lab diamond around 1/3 to 3/4 carat. One place recommended GVS1 as a good price-quality value point. Is there anything we should look out here for when inspecting a diamond?
We aren't looking at nationwide jewelry chains, instead smaller, local businesses. She has taste ideas of size and shape of the diamond, the shape and color of the setting, and other such things.
Regarding (1): is there anything to care about here? Do we just go with a place that has the ring she wants and where we liked our experience with the place? Or should we care about whether the place runs on commission, whether a place is GIA certified, etc. One place advertised that they don't run on commission because the employees are members of the family that own the business. Both places advertised that their ring care policy cannot be voided by us failing to have the ring brought in every six months for maintenance. What level of service can we reasonably want in the ring ordering process? I assume we can't expect a place to manufacture the setting we want twice at two different sizes or for two different stone shapes so we can see how it looks in person on her? But both places seem flexible with diamonds, such that they'll order various diamonds around our specifications, and we'll be able to come in and choose which diamond we want.
Regarding (2): we were told by one place that moissoanite has durability issues and that white gold is more durable than rose gold. Another place told us that the durability advantage for rose gold is marginal and doesn't matter and that rose gold won't wear down to show yellow which would require maintenance. We're looking to get a lab diamond around 1/3 to 3/4 carat. One place recommended GVS1 as a good price-quality value point. Is there anything we should look out here for when inspecting a diamond?
Back in the dark ages my husband and I went to the mall, bought an unethical diamond with a flaw (inclusion) for the amount he had ($900 from an inheritance) and picked a very simple setting. Our wedding bands were $39.99 and $49.99 - mine was more because I had to match the 14k gold on my ring. I’ve never had my ring serviced.
Still wearing both 28 years later. And I love them because…they’re my engagement and wedding rings. I have no idea what they’re worth. I like the flaw, because for me beauty in life includes flaws. We talked about switching it up at the 25 year mark but…naw.
I would definitely pick a local business and a more ethical stone if I were doing it over. But I guess what I want to tell you is - if it’s important to you and your fiancée, and you enjoy the research and picking, that’s great. If you have bought into the wedding-industrial complex, and you think you have to make this the Most Important Purchase…it’s the people that grant the ring meaning.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:33 AM on January 15, 2023 [13 favorites]
Still wearing both 28 years later. And I love them because…they’re my engagement and wedding rings. I have no idea what they’re worth. I like the flaw, because for me beauty in life includes flaws. We talked about switching it up at the 25 year mark but…naw.
I would definitely pick a local business and a more ethical stone if I were doing it over. But I guess what I want to tell you is - if it’s important to you and your fiancée, and you enjoy the research and picking, that’s great. If you have bought into the wedding-industrial complex, and you think you have to make this the Most Important Purchase…it’s the people that grant the ring meaning.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:33 AM on January 15, 2023 [13 favorites]
Personally, I wouldn't go for a G colour, but I'm picky. I'd try to stick to as close to D as you can get, so E or maybe F. My preference is also for the cleanest stone possible, so I'd tend to lean to VVS if possible, but VS1 would work (note if you are nearsighted, it is possible to still see some flaws in a VS stone with the naked eye, or at least I could before my vision worsened with age).
Don't assume lab-grown diamonds are green or eco-friendly. That depends on where they were created, what is used to power them (clean hydro grids vs. coal-fired generating plants). Also working conditions depend on labour laws and practices of the country of manufacture.
Pay attention to the cut and the proportions of the stone. That can really affect how it performs (shines and sparkles).
Usually the trick to seeing if the size of the stone works, is that you put your hand flat, close your fingers against each other and place the loose stone in the dip between the ring finger and the third finger. It's not exact, but it gets you an idea of the proportion.
The inspection thing is a bit of a boondoggle. If this is a stone she is going to be wearing daily for years, there will come a point when she gets too busy to bother taking the ring in for checking every six or 12 months, and that's okay. The ring should be fine. If you get an insurance rider for the piece (which is expensive) on your house policy, you'll have to get it appraised every few years (whenever the insurance company demands). I haven't done anything official for any of my pieces, but I've been looking at companies that specialize in jewellery insurance only. They seem to be significantly cheaper. When you have the appraisal done, I'd insist on taking it to an appraiser who doesn't pull the ring out of the setting (I know somebody who had claws damaged by this process) and does the appraisal in front of you while you wait.
posted by sardonyx at 10:07 AM on January 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
Don't assume lab-grown diamonds are green or eco-friendly. That depends on where they were created, what is used to power them (clean hydro grids vs. coal-fired generating plants). Also working conditions depend on labour laws and practices of the country of manufacture.
Pay attention to the cut and the proportions of the stone. That can really affect how it performs (shines and sparkles).
Usually the trick to seeing if the size of the stone works, is that you put your hand flat, close your fingers against each other and place the loose stone in the dip between the ring finger and the third finger. It's not exact, but it gets you an idea of the proportion.
The inspection thing is a bit of a boondoggle. If this is a stone she is going to be wearing daily for years, there will come a point when she gets too busy to bother taking the ring in for checking every six or 12 months, and that's okay. The ring should be fine. If you get an insurance rider for the piece (which is expensive) on your house policy, you'll have to get it appraised every few years (whenever the insurance company demands). I haven't done anything official for any of my pieces, but I've been looking at companies that specialize in jewellery insurance only. They seem to be significantly cheaper. When you have the appraisal done, I'd insist on taking it to an appraiser who doesn't pull the ring out of the setting (I know somebody who had claws damaged by this process) and does the appraisal in front of you while you wait.
posted by sardonyx at 10:07 AM on January 15, 2023 [3 favorites]
I've got a 14K white gold wedding ring (thin band with a design etched into it), and a 14K white gold/sapphire/teeny-tiny accent diamonds engagement ring. I've had to get the engagement ring serviced twice in the past ten years to just get general cleaning of the crud that had built up around the stones and to recoat it, since it was starting to yellow; it's probably about due for another servicing. Haven't had to touch the wedding ring, FWIW, I think just due to shape differences/position on my finger. It's pretty inexpensive (less than $100), and I can just go to a local jewelry shop here to get it done. So, if she likes white gold, don't let the maintenance issue stop you.
posted by damayanti at 10:11 AM on January 15, 2023
posted by damayanti at 10:11 AM on January 15, 2023
Because it feels like a significant financial commitment, it is easy to overthink this. And fine to do that! But really, you just want a lab diamond or moissanite in a reasonable clarity in a setting you like at a size you can afford.
I would skip the store that told you moissanite has durability issues. That's a crock. Diamonds are a 10 on the hardness scale and moss is a 9.25. Rubies, sapphires and many other common engagement stones are lower down.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:11 AM on January 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
I would skip the store that told you moissanite has durability issues. That's a crock. Diamonds are a 10 on the hardness scale and moss is a 9.25. Rubies, sapphires and many other common engagement stones are lower down.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:11 AM on January 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
When you're thinking about the colour of gold, consider looking at matching wedding bands. Rose especially will be harder to match between a band and a ring so find out if the ring you are looking at has a matching band. Also, ask yourself how important it is for your bands to match in colour.
posted by sardonyx at 10:14 AM on January 15, 2023
posted by sardonyx at 10:14 AM on January 15, 2023
After about 5 years, I was kinda bored of the ring so had a new ring designed. After a few more years I almost had another ring designed, a little bored again. I didn't largely because I got really busy with other stuff like kids. Then for a few years I wore my Oura ring on that ring finger. Now I'm back to second ring! I'm a little bored again. I just inherited a family stone and am contemplating incorporating that into a new ring.
I am glad I went with yellow gold when the white was more in style at the time because consistently the yellow has been more in style and I kinda like at least being not out of style or at least dated.
Anyway, the ring doesn't have to be exactly the same forever and has had no impact on the longevity of the marriage, 26 and counting.
I guess I'm just saying to be mindful that tastes and preferences change both personally and in general.
posted by RoadScholar at 10:33 AM on January 15, 2023
I am glad I went with yellow gold when the white was more in style at the time because consistently the yellow has been more in style and I kinda like at least being not out of style or at least dated.
Anyway, the ring doesn't have to be exactly the same forever and has had no impact on the longevity of the marriage, 26 and counting.
I guess I'm just saying to be mindful that tastes and preferences change both personally and in general.
posted by RoadScholar at 10:33 AM on January 15, 2023
I’m going to go against the Big Expensive Ring grain here. If what I did isn’t your vibe, that’s fine!
I have a hand cut CZ ring in white gold we got from a small company in California that we found on eBay. It was around $200. Got tons of compliments. No one asked if it was real or how much it cost.
I would personally never get a “real” (new) stone. They now make amazing lab created diamonds that are stunning, cheaper, and don’t have the icky mining issues. Or antique or vintage rings that are already around. Diamonds are not rare. It’s all marketing. I also got a synthetic gem band after a while.
That said- I no longer wear that ring or set. I switched to a simple and cheap rose gold band. I may “upgrade” it to an engraved or detailed ring at some point. It’s a teeny big snug and I don’t think it’s worth resizing.
But I stopped wearing my flashy one for comfort. I use my hands a lot - cleaning, crafting, home projects. And it’s so much more comfortable to just have a basic band. I’m sure I could do a smooth eternity band or half eternity with gems. Hell, my husband stopped wearing his because it just got uncomfortable. But we have matching tattoos on our ring fingers.
I guess overall what I would suggest is:
Determine if you really like wearing the style of ring all the time. Get a costume one or silver one and try it. You may find you don’t even like it.
Consider alternative lab created stones. They’re stunning.
Consider vintage and antique jewelry. It’s stunning, unique, and has lasted a long time.
Remember that things can change, styles and comfort can change. So factor that into your decision. I didn’t feel too bad not wearing my ring anymore. It was inexpensive. My spouse wants me to be comfortable. But if it had been really expensive … that may have been harder to bring up.
Again- you do you. I’m not anti ring. But I’ve known many people who quit their big rings or realized that money could have gone elsewhere because it’s the commitment that matters. Not the thing.
So what would I consider now? Almost a dozen years later? Not fussing about the thing I didn’t end up wearing long term and going for comfort.
posted by Crystalinne at 10:42 AM on January 15, 2023 [6 favorites]
I have a hand cut CZ ring in white gold we got from a small company in California that we found on eBay. It was around $200. Got tons of compliments. No one asked if it was real or how much it cost.
I would personally never get a “real” (new) stone. They now make amazing lab created diamonds that are stunning, cheaper, and don’t have the icky mining issues. Or antique or vintage rings that are already around. Diamonds are not rare. It’s all marketing. I also got a synthetic gem band after a while.
That said- I no longer wear that ring or set. I switched to a simple and cheap rose gold band. I may “upgrade” it to an engraved or detailed ring at some point. It’s a teeny big snug and I don’t think it’s worth resizing.
But I stopped wearing my flashy one for comfort. I use my hands a lot - cleaning, crafting, home projects. And it’s so much more comfortable to just have a basic band. I’m sure I could do a smooth eternity band or half eternity with gems. Hell, my husband stopped wearing his because it just got uncomfortable. But we have matching tattoos on our ring fingers.
I guess overall what I would suggest is:
Determine if you really like wearing the style of ring all the time. Get a costume one or silver one and try it. You may find you don’t even like it.
Consider alternative lab created stones. They’re stunning.
Consider vintage and antique jewelry. It’s stunning, unique, and has lasted a long time.
Remember that things can change, styles and comfort can change. So factor that into your decision. I didn’t feel too bad not wearing my ring anymore. It was inexpensive. My spouse wants me to be comfortable. But if it had been really expensive … that may have been harder to bring up.
Again- you do you. I’m not anti ring. But I’ve known many people who quit their big rings or realized that money could have gone elsewhere because it’s the commitment that matters. Not the thing.
So what would I consider now? Almost a dozen years later? Not fussing about the thing I didn’t end up wearing long term and going for comfort.
posted by Crystalinne at 10:42 AM on January 15, 2023 [6 favorites]
I do want to say that warriorqueen is right in a lot of ways. In the long run it doesn't really matter what stone you get, what setting you get, where you bought it (although personally I would recommend going to someplace like Birks or Tifany's that sells a lot an that should have a really good selection, just to see what is out there). In the end, the only things that matter are whether your fiancee likes the ring and whether you can afford it (don't go into debt for a ring) and feel like you paid a fair price. What other people think, what it's graded at, etc. shouldn't factor into it.
posted by sardonyx at 10:45 AM on January 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by sardonyx at 10:45 AM on January 15, 2023 [2 favorites]
I am very traditional about this and pro-ring but if I could do it again... I wouldn't.
Instead, I'd be looking into something symbolic/vintage that isn't pushed out by the horrible horrible diamond industry. I mean, it's really quite horrible - and that includes all the marketing around it.
But if you ARE doing it, get a rider for your homeowners/renters insurance immediately. I lost my traditional diamond engagement ring a couple years into our marriage. Marriage still going strong.
posted by nkknkk at 11:39 AM on January 15, 2023 [1 favorite]
Instead, I'd be looking into something symbolic/vintage that isn't pushed out by the horrible horrible diamond industry. I mean, it's really quite horrible - and that includes all the marketing around it.
But if you ARE doing it, get a rider for your homeowners/renters insurance immediately. I lost my traditional diamond engagement ring a couple years into our marriage. Marriage still going strong.
posted by nkknkk at 11:39 AM on January 15, 2023 [1 favorite]
what do you now wish you had known or looked for or asked about if you could go back to when you first searched for an engagement ring.
I 100000% hated the experience of going into jewelry stores -- both chain and local -- although it did help me eliminate my dream ring pretty quickly. It was so off-putting that we bought everything online; unfortunately, we purchased the engagement ring separately from the wedding band. I really wish I had thought about the engagement ring as a set with the wedding band because at some point I realized that I really had no idea why kind of wedding band I wanted or how it would look with the ring.
The thing I'm glad I didn't do, actually, was put stock into much I read on the internet! Everything about my set is "wrong" to someone but I love it, it makes me happy, and none of the things that were predicted to befall me have happened (knock on wood).
posted by sm1tten at 2:24 PM on January 15, 2023 [1 favorite]
I 100000% hated the experience of going into jewelry stores -- both chain and local -- although it did help me eliminate my dream ring pretty quickly. It was so off-putting that we bought everything online; unfortunately, we purchased the engagement ring separately from the wedding band. I really wish I had thought about the engagement ring as a set with the wedding band because at some point I realized that I really had no idea why kind of wedding band I wanted or how it would look with the ring.
The thing I'm glad I didn't do, actually, was put stock into much I read on the internet! Everything about my set is "wrong" to someone but I love it, it makes me happy, and none of the things that were predicted to befall me have happened (knock on wood).
posted by sm1tten at 2:24 PM on January 15, 2023 [1 favorite]
Yes, if she'll be getting a band, it's nice to pick them out together or get a set. Then get them fused together after the ceremony so they don't slip and slide around.
It's nice to have a place where you can take the ring later for cleanings and adjustments. I can get those both done for free for life.
posted by hydra77 at 3:45 PM on January 15, 2023
It's nice to have a place where you can take the ring later for cleanings and adjustments. I can get those both done for free for life.
posted by hydra77 at 3:45 PM on January 15, 2023
I should probably clarify. You'll want to match the band to the ring (so that they fit together well) and decide if you want your band to match hers in style, in colour, etc.
posted by sardonyx at 4:18 PM on January 15, 2023
posted by sardonyx at 4:18 PM on January 15, 2023
My first ring was a small but very good quality diamond, with a heavy gold wedding band. It cost us around $1500 back in the late 80s. Years later when things went south, I tried to sell that set. The "best jewelry store in town, highest prices paid" offered me $175 for them.
When I got married again, I went with a gorgeous CZ online from a store called Orleans Diamaonds (Used to be Orleans Counterfeit Diamonds) in a real yellow gold band. No one could tell the difference, even the jeweler I took it to to get sized.
I almost never wore my engagement ring; I work with my hands and I work hard. Most days I actually wear a $12 CZ ring from Amazon that has amazing sparkle (it's in the anniversary style) to give me the shiny that I love, with no worries about damaging an expensive piece of jewelry.
And as said above, tastes change. I prefer white gold to yellow gold these days.
posted by annieb at 5:33 PM on January 15, 2023
When I got married again, I went with a gorgeous CZ online from a store called Orleans Diamaonds (Used to be Orleans Counterfeit Diamonds) in a real yellow gold band. No one could tell the difference, even the jeweler I took it to to get sized.
I almost never wore my engagement ring; I work with my hands and I work hard. Most days I actually wear a $12 CZ ring from Amazon that has amazing sparkle (it's in the anniversary style) to give me the shiny that I love, with no worries about damaging an expensive piece of jewelry.
And as said above, tastes change. I prefer white gold to yellow gold these days.
posted by annieb at 5:33 PM on January 15, 2023
I have a vintage 50s ring. Modest diamond (just under one carat), white gold, cute details. I didn’t get a second band, just the one ring, so know that one everyday ring is an option too.
posted by vunder at 7:07 PM on January 15, 2023
posted by vunder at 7:07 PM on January 15, 2023
I highly recommend a book, Diamond Ring Buying Guide. It really helped my wife and I make decisions on settings, and it shows how to evaluate the quality of the cut, as well. It is an interesting read with great pictures, and we revisit it occasionally even now. Good luck!
posted by Don_K at 1:13 PM on January 17, 2023
posted by Don_K at 1:13 PM on January 17, 2023
This thread is closed to new comments.
Showing the comparison of two similar size stones but varying clarity/inclussions will be a good example of how much you, a casual person notice the differences, versus what jewelers notice- and is why I ended up going with a moissoanite, knowing that the difference wasn’t very apparent for me (and I usually just wear my wedding band anyway).
For what it’s worth, I’m in the US but purchased from Ring Come True based out of Toronto because I liked their designs and prices and they ended up having great customer service.
posted by raccoon409 at 9:11 AM on January 15, 2023