Rehoming a difficult cat
January 9, 2023 12:03 AM Subscribe
I'm about ready to re-home my cat, even though I love her, because I think her attachment to me is driving her to harm herself. (more inside)
My 7 year old female, spayed cat has always had some behavior issues. She requires a lot of attention and if she doesn't get it, she will frantically begin to lick herself. To the point of bleeding. Pulling out her fur. She is almost completely bald because of this. If there's a door between us, she throws herself against locked doors, howling. We have to travel to see sick family and recently, she's begun to throw up and defecate when she sees our suitcases. (We always leave her with a cat sitter whom we've observed her with. She seems to like the sitter.) I'm fed up. I cannot sit on my couch without a cat covering me. If I don't let her touch me, the licking starts. I cannot sleep through the night without her howling for me. I can hear her licking though the door. She likes my partner, she is obsessed with me. I love her, but honestly she seems calmer when I'm not around.
I want to re-home her, and partner is ok with it. The guilt I feel about it is immense. This questions is anon because of how guilty I feel. But I'm not sure what else to do. We've spent countless hours and thousands of dollars on this, including cat specialists, cat only vets, and dermatologists: they've all concluded its behavioral. We've tried: prozac, gabapentin, apoquil, regular predictable playtime, flea medicine, screening for worms and parasites, leaving my clothes and towels around and in her bed, feliway, a special allergen diet. Nothing has changed or improved her behavior. I believe this is just who she is and while I can accept that, it's very hard to live with. The one thing we haven't tried is getting another cat. I can barely deal with the one I have, the idea of needing to re-home another if it doens't work is too much.
I found a no kill shelter that will take her. I've been unsuccessful in finding an individual that will take her, when I approach cat rescue groups and animal lovers I'm told they only work with street rescues, or you don't rehome family. This intensifies the guilt. I'm worried about never seeing her again (this is one of the conditions of the shelter that will take her.) No visits, no calls. Nothing. She is my friend and I'm worried that she will be irrevocably broken by my absence.
I'd like to hear from people who have successfully rehomed an animal, especially if it's a special needs animal or taken in a special needs animal. Was the animal happy? Also if there's anything I'm missing to try? Her current vet didn't have any ideas, even called her a "tough animal to live with."
I know there are people who believe you should never re-home an animal under any circumstances. Please, please sit this one out. I don't want to be judged as a bad person, and I really need help.
My 7 year old female, spayed cat has always had some behavior issues. She requires a lot of attention and if she doesn't get it, she will frantically begin to lick herself. To the point of bleeding. Pulling out her fur. She is almost completely bald because of this. If there's a door between us, she throws herself against locked doors, howling. We have to travel to see sick family and recently, she's begun to throw up and defecate when she sees our suitcases. (We always leave her with a cat sitter whom we've observed her with. She seems to like the sitter.) I'm fed up. I cannot sit on my couch without a cat covering me. If I don't let her touch me, the licking starts. I cannot sleep through the night without her howling for me. I can hear her licking though the door. She likes my partner, she is obsessed with me. I love her, but honestly she seems calmer when I'm not around.
I want to re-home her, and partner is ok with it. The guilt I feel about it is immense. This questions is anon because of how guilty I feel. But I'm not sure what else to do. We've spent countless hours and thousands of dollars on this, including cat specialists, cat only vets, and dermatologists: they've all concluded its behavioral. We've tried: prozac, gabapentin, apoquil, regular predictable playtime, flea medicine, screening for worms and parasites, leaving my clothes and towels around and in her bed, feliway, a special allergen diet. Nothing has changed or improved her behavior. I believe this is just who she is and while I can accept that, it's very hard to live with. The one thing we haven't tried is getting another cat. I can barely deal with the one I have, the idea of needing to re-home another if it doens't work is too much.
I found a no kill shelter that will take her. I've been unsuccessful in finding an individual that will take her, when I approach cat rescue groups and animal lovers I'm told they only work with street rescues, or you don't rehome family. This intensifies the guilt. I'm worried about never seeing her again (this is one of the conditions of the shelter that will take her.) No visits, no calls. Nothing. She is my friend and I'm worried that she will be irrevocably broken by my absence.
I'd like to hear from people who have successfully rehomed an animal, especially if it's a special needs animal or taken in a special needs animal. Was the animal happy? Also if there's anything I'm missing to try? Her current vet didn't have any ideas, even called her a "tough animal to live with."
I know there are people who believe you should never re-home an animal under any circumstances. Please, please sit this one out. I don't want to be judged as a bad person, and I really need help.
It sounds like you have been away from her for some lengths of time, leaving her with a sitter. Does she seem okay when you're away, as far as you can tell? If you're not entirely sure from the sitter's report, could you even go away yourself and let your partner observe?
If your cat clings to you while you're there, and is anxious at signs that you're leaving, BUT seems solidly okay once you're gone, I for one absolve you. From cats I have known, I think they have habits but not much object permanence about you as an individual.
posted by away for regrooving at 12:33 AM on January 9, 2023 [1 favorite]
If your cat clings to you while you're there, and is anxious at signs that you're leaving, BUT seems solidly okay once you're gone, I for one absolve you. From cats I have known, I think they have habits but not much object permanence about you as an individual.
posted by away for regrooving at 12:33 AM on January 9, 2023 [1 favorite]
This sounds so sad, for her, and also for you! I do not blame you too much; you clearly are at your wit's end and wouldn't consider this otherwise; I believe you when you say you NEED to solve this one way or another, and you only have so much time, money, and energy to give.
Maybe there's nothing else to try, but I thought about it and here are a couple of ideas that may or may not be practical for you.
1) Instead of getting another cat, would you be interested in looking for a foster/trial of a big calm cat-loving or potentially-cat-loving dog? I don't pretend to know the specifics of your cat's obsession with you, but I've been thinking about this for my current re-fostered cat: I think he loves sitting on me because I'm (relatively) soft and warm, and I pet him, and I'm alive. I dog might not check all the boxes, but then, you never know.
2) Similarly, I wonder if someone else might have a dog that misses/would love a cat.
3) This isn't what you asked, but: have you already tried taking her to the cat sitter _before_ you get out the suitcases? Maybe she could even spend an extra day there before you leave?
4) Also not what you asked, and you seem resourceful enough to have tried this, but: taking her to the cat sitter even while you're home, for a break?
5) More relevant: have you already looked for a cat behaviorist?
6) I think -- yes, I checked and Jackson Galaxy is actually doing web-based consultation packages. No price information is given, which makes me think it might be a little negotiable? However, it looks like there's a lot you get: over an hour initially, then six weeks of follow up interaction. Honestly, it sounds pretty good.
7) They make (or made) Thundershirts for cats. If you can't find one and want to try one, and if you're in the US and/or want to pay for shipping, MeMail me and I'll loan you the one I bought. It didn't work that well with my big refoster cat, but it wasn't that bad either.
8) There is another cat pheromone available in addition to Feliway. When I looked into it years ago, there was one pheromone that was similar to a mother cat, and another one that was based on something different. Maybe try the other one -- but honestly, your cat sounds more extreme than pheromone will help.
9) This is going to sound far-fetched, but I don't think it really is, nor that it will be as difficult as you might think initially: training her to respond to a voice command to go to a specific spot, like a bed (or heated cat bed, or the top of a cat tower). I'm not sure how much it will help -- a cat behaviorist will have a better sense of how to do this and/or how to use it to solve your specific problem.
10) Speaking of heated cat beds - maybe that could help? I know your cat's affection is not body-temperature based, but a warmed cat bed is extra comforting.
11) My re-foster cat probably has separation anxiety, so I've been thinking about that a lot. A quick Google yielded a so-so page (first result) and several more promising result pages -- you'd have to skim and pick whatever might work for you, since most of the advice seems to be for much milder cases than yours. However, two so far have advocated NOT getting a second cat, so at least they're thinking a little outside the box.
12) I'm going to come back to the idea of actually hiring Jackson Galaxy. I think that's my favorite idea.
posted by amtho at 1:32 AM on January 9, 2023 [3 favorites]
Maybe there's nothing else to try, but I thought about it and here are a couple of ideas that may or may not be practical for you.
1) Instead of getting another cat, would you be interested in looking for a foster/trial of a big calm cat-loving or potentially-cat-loving dog? I don't pretend to know the specifics of your cat's obsession with you, but I've been thinking about this for my current re-fostered cat: I think he loves sitting on me because I'm (relatively) soft and warm, and I pet him, and I'm alive. I dog might not check all the boxes, but then, you never know.
2) Similarly, I wonder if someone else might have a dog that misses/would love a cat.
3) This isn't what you asked, but: have you already tried taking her to the cat sitter _before_ you get out the suitcases? Maybe she could even spend an extra day there before you leave?
4) Also not what you asked, and you seem resourceful enough to have tried this, but: taking her to the cat sitter even while you're home, for a break?
5) More relevant: have you already looked for a cat behaviorist?
6) I think -- yes, I checked and Jackson Galaxy is actually doing web-based consultation packages. No price information is given, which makes me think it might be a little negotiable? However, it looks like there's a lot you get: over an hour initially, then six weeks of follow up interaction. Honestly, it sounds pretty good.
7) They make (or made) Thundershirts for cats. If you can't find one and want to try one, and if you're in the US and/or want to pay for shipping, MeMail me and I'll loan you the one I bought. It didn't work that well with my big refoster cat, but it wasn't that bad either.
8) There is another cat pheromone available in addition to Feliway. When I looked into it years ago, there was one pheromone that was similar to a mother cat, and another one that was based on something different. Maybe try the other one -- but honestly, your cat sounds more extreme than pheromone will help.
9) This is going to sound far-fetched, but I don't think it really is, nor that it will be as difficult as you might think initially: training her to respond to a voice command to go to a specific spot, like a bed (or heated cat bed, or the top of a cat tower). I'm not sure how much it will help -- a cat behaviorist will have a better sense of how to do this and/or how to use it to solve your specific problem.
10) Speaking of heated cat beds - maybe that could help? I know your cat's affection is not body-temperature based, but a warmed cat bed is extra comforting.
11) My re-foster cat probably has separation anxiety, so I've been thinking about that a lot. A quick Google yielded a so-so page (first result) and several more promising result pages -- you'd have to skim and pick whatever might work for you, since most of the advice seems to be for much milder cases than yours. However, two so far have advocated NOT getting a second cat, so at least they're thinking a little outside the box.
12) I'm going to come back to the idea of actually hiring Jackson Galaxy. I think that's my favorite idea.
posted by amtho at 1:32 AM on January 9, 2023 [3 favorites]
The one thing we haven't tried is getting another cat.
Really think you should try this before giving up on your cat. Cats do much better psychologically with another cat in the household.
Rehoming two cats is only super difficult if they are a bonded pair that has to be rehomed together. If you get a second cat and they bond then your problem is over and they don't have to be rehomed. If you get a second cat and they don't bond then they don't have to be rehomed together.
posted by Jacqueline at 2:09 AM on January 9, 2023 [4 favorites]
Really think you should try this before giving up on your cat. Cats do much better psychologically with another cat in the household.
Rehoming two cats is only super difficult if they are a bonded pair that has to be rehomed together. If you get a second cat and they bond then your problem is over and they don't have to be rehomed. If you get a second cat and they don't bond then they don't have to be rehomed together.
posted by Jacqueline at 2:09 AM on January 9, 2023 [4 favorites]
I agree that a second cuddly animal might really do the trick. Could you consider fostering, to try out if she does well with another adult dog or cat in the home? Most shelters that work with foster volunteers are pretty great about being non judgmental if things aren’t working out, and you could see if you can handle two pets without the long term commitment off the bat. Many senior pets are super mellow and sweet but do horribly in shelters and giving them a temporary home to transition in is a huge blessing. And of course, no shame in foster failing, if it so happens to work out. Some pets are just completely different in temperament if they’re alone vs with other furry company.
If that idea just isn’t viable to try, please know that I absolve you of your guilt about this. Recently we had some tragedy in the family that ended up with an orphaned eight year old boy and his cat being the only connection to his life with his parents. Eventually he was adopted by the parents of some local friends and is currently thriving so don’t worry, but that cat was a fairly untrained only cat in the household special big boy kinda guy. And the new family had three cats and a dog already, plus kids and parents. Constant fighting ensued, constant bad behavior from the resident cats, litter box issues, etc. All this and a traumatized kid trying to relearn normalcy and having siblings for the first time.
When all of this went down I was completely cross country and it was pre-vaccine pandemic days, but despite that, my parents called to discuss the issue. Would I be okay with this family placing that cat in a shelter? Should my parents somehow take the cat to keep him in the family, somehow, even though they travel constantly and the cat was acrimonious with their elderly dog? Did I want the cat if they somehow paid for cross country pandemic transport and despite me having two quite territorial cats myself? Apparently, I am the family arbiter of pet ethics. They legitimately needed my guidance on the situation.
My guidance was: the grieving human needs a restful environment in which to process and heal. If that is incompatible with a resident pet, it’s okay to rehome that pet. Animals, cats especially in my experience, seem to somewhat reflect our energies and emotions back at us. You mentioned sick relatives and your question is full of frantic guilt and pleas for acceptance. You clearly have compassion for your cat and will go to great lengths to find an acceptable shelter for her. You will both be okay as long as you extend kindness to both yourself and your cat.
posted by Mizu at 3:11 AM on January 9, 2023
If that idea just isn’t viable to try, please know that I absolve you of your guilt about this. Recently we had some tragedy in the family that ended up with an orphaned eight year old boy and his cat being the only connection to his life with his parents. Eventually he was adopted by the parents of some local friends and is currently thriving so don’t worry, but that cat was a fairly untrained only cat in the household special big boy kinda guy. And the new family had three cats and a dog already, plus kids and parents. Constant fighting ensued, constant bad behavior from the resident cats, litter box issues, etc. All this and a traumatized kid trying to relearn normalcy and having siblings for the first time.
When all of this went down I was completely cross country and it was pre-vaccine pandemic days, but despite that, my parents called to discuss the issue. Would I be okay with this family placing that cat in a shelter? Should my parents somehow take the cat to keep him in the family, somehow, even though they travel constantly and the cat was acrimonious with their elderly dog? Did I want the cat if they somehow paid for cross country pandemic transport and despite me having two quite territorial cats myself? Apparently, I am the family arbiter of pet ethics. They legitimately needed my guidance on the situation.
My guidance was: the grieving human needs a restful environment in which to process and heal. If that is incompatible with a resident pet, it’s okay to rehome that pet. Animals, cats especially in my experience, seem to somewhat reflect our energies and emotions back at us. You mentioned sick relatives and your question is full of frantic guilt and pleas for acceptance. You clearly have compassion for your cat and will go to great lengths to find an acceptable shelter for her. You will both be okay as long as you extend kindness to both yourself and your cat.
posted by Mizu at 3:11 AM on January 9, 2023
They prescribe alprazolam (Xanax) to cats now. I would give it a shot; it's powerful stuff. If things like Prozac haven't made a dent, your cat's anxiety is severe and merits the big guns. Do be aware that some animals have a paradoxical response to Xanax, and will become extremely agitated instead, so, hopefully your cat is not one of these. But I imagine the prescribing vet will go over that with you.
In the meantime, I apologize if this is obvious, but...you have tried catnip, right? It blisses some anxious cats right out to get a nice distracting catnip sock that they go to town on for hours. At minimum, it's hard to chew the sock and yowl at the same time.
As far as getting a second cat goes, it unfortunately just depends. Some cats do need feline companionship, and will redirect their energy onto the second cat. Others really are just attached to a human, and may get even more stressed by a new cat. (I don't know if your cat was ever a stray, or if you know much at all about her early life, but anecdotally I would say that cats with trauma/abuse-related anxiety tend to be the latter sort.) I recommend volunteering as a foster if you go that route, so that you can trial the experience of having another cat in the house. Do keep in mind that sometimes individual cats just don't get along, and a bad reaction to one cat doesn't have to mean NO cat will ever work. You might also try different age groups--some cats like "parenting" kittens, some do well with old lazy cats.
If you do rehome, I'd encourage you not to self-shame about it. This sounds very challenging to live with. My family had a cat like this for many years, and very few people other than my mom would have been able to deal with him. He spent literally ten hours a day velcroed to my mom, plus sleeping on her all night. That is not something most people can cope with. If you can't be a human pacifier to your cat, THAT IS NORMAL, and you are right to be looking for a solution. Ultimately, the solution may involve rehoming her to someone who can tolerate a velcro cat (or who even wants one, for their own anxiety issues). That's nothing to be ashamed of.
If you're worried that the cat is indelibly attached to you, in particular, I wouldn't be. She probably just needs A Human, and if you're out of the picture, she will be capable of bonding with a new one.
I do think a shelter environment would be extremely hard on a cat like this and that it's worth exhausting all other options first. Like if you can find an organization that puts cats with fosters, that would be the move. Or finding someone on a site like Get Your Pet.
posted by desert outpost at 3:29 AM on January 9, 2023
In the meantime, I apologize if this is obvious, but...you have tried catnip, right? It blisses some anxious cats right out to get a nice distracting catnip sock that they go to town on for hours. At minimum, it's hard to chew the sock and yowl at the same time.
As far as getting a second cat goes, it unfortunately just depends. Some cats do need feline companionship, and will redirect their energy onto the second cat. Others really are just attached to a human, and may get even more stressed by a new cat. (I don't know if your cat was ever a stray, or if you know much at all about her early life, but anecdotally I would say that cats with trauma/abuse-related anxiety tend to be the latter sort.) I recommend volunteering as a foster if you go that route, so that you can trial the experience of having another cat in the house. Do keep in mind that sometimes individual cats just don't get along, and a bad reaction to one cat doesn't have to mean NO cat will ever work. You might also try different age groups--some cats like "parenting" kittens, some do well with old lazy cats.
If you do rehome, I'd encourage you not to self-shame about it. This sounds very challenging to live with. My family had a cat like this for many years, and very few people other than my mom would have been able to deal with him. He spent literally ten hours a day velcroed to my mom, plus sleeping on her all night. That is not something most people can cope with. If you can't be a human pacifier to your cat, THAT IS NORMAL, and you are right to be looking for a solution. Ultimately, the solution may involve rehoming her to someone who can tolerate a velcro cat (or who even wants one, for their own anxiety issues). That's nothing to be ashamed of.
If you're worried that the cat is indelibly attached to you, in particular, I wouldn't be. She probably just needs A Human, and if you're out of the picture, she will be capable of bonding with a new one.
I do think a shelter environment would be extremely hard on a cat like this and that it's worth exhausting all other options first. Like if you can find an organization that puts cats with fosters, that would be the move. Or finding someone on a site like Get Your Pet.
posted by desert outpost at 3:29 AM on January 9, 2023
Just adding that there is also kitty Anafranil to try, and kitty Buspar.
Some cat owners also swear by Zylkene, which is a dietary supplement of sorts. I have yet to see it work well for severely anxious animals, myself, but as always YMMV.
posted by desert outpost at 3:53 AM on January 9, 2023
Some cat owners also swear by Zylkene, which is a dietary supplement of sorts. I have yet to see it work well for severely anxious animals, myself, but as always YMMV.
posted by desert outpost at 3:53 AM on January 9, 2023
Doing what's right for an animal is difficult. I think you are a caring, conscientious pet owner because you're looking for a new home for an animal that is distressed in its current environment. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
posted by Geckwoistmeinauto at 4:53 AM on January 9, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by Geckwoistmeinauto at 4:53 AM on January 9, 2023 [4 favorites]
If you'd like to end up with a cat (or 2) at the end of this process, I would try another cat (and more drugs suggested up-thread). However, as someone who has 4 unbonded cats that don't particularly want to live together, I would really look hard for the most mellow adult male possible. I would look at community rooms if your shelters have them, take recommendations from staff, and ideally work with a shelter/rescue that sees the relationship as a long trial and won't penalize you for trying a better fit.
posted by rawralphadawg at 8:20 AM on January 9, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by rawralphadawg at 8:20 AM on January 9, 2023 [2 favorites]
I have a needy cat as well. Fortunately he splits his attention between me and my husband and his "sibling" cat. We're pretty sure in Mr Alfonso kitty's case there are some historical factors at play and he'll always be needy. The rescue strongly encouraged us to get a second cat along with Mr Alfonso, which we did (his "sister" Miss Berry) and I'm sure that has made a big difference. I would call our case a data point, with the usual caveats, in favor of a second cat.
posted by gentlyepigrams at 8:29 AM on January 9, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by gentlyepigrams at 8:29 AM on January 9, 2023 [1 favorite]
First, I just want to affirm that while I totally understand the guilt, I do not think you should feel guilty - you have clearly really tried and sound like a very loving cat owner.
The one thing we haven't tried is getting another cat.
When one of my cats died a few years ago, the other cat all of sudden got way needier. Then I got a kitten, and after a bit of an adjustment period (as is normal), problem solved. (For what's it worth, the surviving cat had a background of neediness and trauma - he was found as an older kitten in a dumpster in NYC) Cats are social animals, despite their aloof reputation. I get you don't want to risk having to take back another cat, but if you get a kitten (which you should - less likely to be perceived as a threat by your cat) you should know in 1-2 months whether it will work out - at which point, they will still be a cute kitten and easily adopted by someone else.
I'd like to hear from people who have successfully rehomed an animal
She wasn't a special needs cat, but my friend had a very affectionate cat that they had to re-home when they moved abroad. Lucky for them, their parents decided to take the cat, so they still sometimes visit, but anyway, the cat is fine.
posted by coffeecat at 10:38 AM on January 9, 2023 [1 favorite]
The one thing we haven't tried is getting another cat.
When one of my cats died a few years ago, the other cat all of sudden got way needier. Then I got a kitten, and after a bit of an adjustment period (as is normal), problem solved. (For what's it worth, the surviving cat had a background of neediness and trauma - he was found as an older kitten in a dumpster in NYC) Cats are social animals, despite their aloof reputation. I get you don't want to risk having to take back another cat, but if you get a kitten (which you should - less likely to be perceived as a threat by your cat) you should know in 1-2 months whether it will work out - at which point, they will still be a cute kitten and easily adopted by someone else.
I'd like to hear from people who have successfully rehomed an animal
She wasn't a special needs cat, but my friend had a very affectionate cat that they had to re-home when they moved abroad. Lucky for them, their parents decided to take the cat, so they still sometimes visit, but anyway, the cat is fine.
posted by coffeecat at 10:38 AM on January 9, 2023 [1 favorite]
One more thing re: guilt. The reason there is so much emphasis on telling people that it's bad to re-home pets, is that there is a non-insignificant number of people who do not take pet ownership seriously, and will on a whim adopt a cat/dog that they are not able to take care of, causing the pet to suffer. But that's clearly not you. If only people with seriously tricky situations like this re-homed their pet, shelters would be relatively empty.
posted by coffeecat at 10:51 AM on January 9, 2023 [7 favorites]
posted by coffeecat at 10:51 AM on January 9, 2023 [7 favorites]
Just anecdotally: we had an adult female needy overgroomer cat, and we later adopted a kitten. The female spent about 4 weeks despising the kitten, then she fell in love. She spent half of her time grooming the kitten and half on herself, which meant there were no more overgrooming issues.
posted by BlahLaLa at 10:57 AM on January 9, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 10:57 AM on January 9, 2023 [4 favorites]
Also: you can _foster_ another cat; if it doesn't work out, that's actually how it's supposed to work! Someone else will adopt the foster cat.
posted by amtho at 12:16 PM on January 9, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by amtho at 12:16 PM on January 9, 2023 [1 favorite]
Your kitty and you are not a good fit. This internet stranger gives you permission to pursue the loving, kind, and responsible path you're already on: Give her to the no-kill shelter and let her go. At the very least, she will be safe and tended to, with more opportunities to find a better fit in a different home. Worst case scenario: She lives in a shelter for a few years. Best case: She fits well into someone else's home, and maybe even exhibits completely different behaviors in that home. It happens. So many shelters and rescue orgs are really good at marketing difficult animals by being brutally honest. When I used this approach in my online dating profile, back in the Pleistocene Era, I called this strategy "qualified leads only."
I rehomed a cat with severe behavioral issues (she'd only ever lived in a sunless one-room apartment with a floridly psychotic person), with an individual, and it was as successful as I could have hoped for. I tried to make it work for a year, enduring attacks on us and her trying to kill my other cat, before rehoming her. I felt tremendous guilt, but she lived a fairly happy life--a much happier life than with me--in that home. Her new owner had none of the emotional baggage that I had from living with her for that one terrible year. He wasn't afraid of her like I was. He just... picked her up and wasn't fearful she'd rip out his neck tendons. And she didn't! She truly loved him and even though she was antisocial with his wife and kids for the rest of her life, she behaved with him in ways that gave all of them nothing to fear.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 12:33 PM on January 9, 2023 [3 favorites]
I rehomed a cat with severe behavioral issues (she'd only ever lived in a sunless one-room apartment with a floridly psychotic person), with an individual, and it was as successful as I could have hoped for. I tried to make it work for a year, enduring attacks on us and her trying to kill my other cat, before rehoming her. I felt tremendous guilt, but she lived a fairly happy life--a much happier life than with me--in that home. Her new owner had none of the emotional baggage that I had from living with her for that one terrible year. He wasn't afraid of her like I was. He just... picked her up and wasn't fearful she'd rip out his neck tendons. And she didn't! She truly loved him and even though she was antisocial with his wife and kids for the rest of her life, she behaved with him in ways that gave all of them nothing to fear.
posted by ImproviseOrDie at 12:33 PM on January 9, 2023 [3 favorites]
You sound so caring and have gone above and beyond for your kitty. I'm so sorry that it hasn't been working out. I think rehoming animals is the right choice in many hard situations, and it's being responsible and kind. A friend had to rehome a bad match she adopted who was better suited for rural city than apartment living. I had to rehome a kitty that I loved but was separated from for over a year due to COVID travel restrictions. I too spent thousands of dollars trying to make it work and was so heartbroken to let go. Now? Both kitties are doing GREAT with their new families, and I even saw mine recently nearly three years later. She is thriving with her new family and honestly it's better than what I could offer her. I have since adopted two new cats and everyone's happy.
I second the idea of trying a second kitty if that's an option for you worth exploring. I adopted a cat who had some tummy issues that were fixed by adding a sibling. I found a friendly stray outside and, within a weekend, the two were playing together. I wouldn't consider them a bonded pair in the way I've had littermates always sleep together but they are definitely best buddies and partners in crime. In fact, my main inspiration for having two cats, aside from loving kitties, was practical: I travel for 1-3 weeks a few times a year. The two of them miss me and are glad when I return but they are OK having the cat sitter come every other day. In everyday life, both cats take turns amusing and reassuring each other in different ways. While adding a second kitty is no guarantee, it might be a good step!
posted by smorgasbord at 3:29 PM on January 9, 2023
I second the idea of trying a second kitty if that's an option for you worth exploring. I adopted a cat who had some tummy issues that were fixed by adding a sibling. I found a friendly stray outside and, within a weekend, the two were playing together. I wouldn't consider them a bonded pair in the way I've had littermates always sleep together but they are definitely best buddies and partners in crime. In fact, my main inspiration for having two cats, aside from loving kitties, was practical: I travel for 1-3 weeks a few times a year. The two of them miss me and are glad when I return but they are OK having the cat sitter come every other day. In everyday life, both cats take turns amusing and reassuring each other in different ways. While adding a second kitty is no guarantee, it might be a good step!
posted by smorgasbord at 3:29 PM on January 9, 2023
I adopted a very sweet chihuahua mix with (I discovered) severe separation anxiety during COVID-19. I spent thousands and worked with a specialized trainer for months and months on daily training which also involved never, ever leaving her alone in my apartment (she came with me or I left her at a sitter.) I also tried at least 3 different medications with her along with pheremones, thunder shirts, heat pads ... etc.
Eventually, I reached the end of my rope (it sounds like you may be here, too) and returned her to the rescue I initially adopted her from about a year later. I didn't have the energy to try another medication, another tactic, etc. I felt a lot of guilt and sadness but also, honestly, relief. She was placed with a foster who had a small dog and that dog and my former dog got along so well she became a foster fail! I unfortunately don't get updates, but it sounds like her separation anxiety was resolved with being in a "pack" with this other pup.
While I could have taken this as evidence that I should have tried adopting another dog, frankly my finances and living situation could not have supported it. While I miss her and grieved the loss, I do think that genuinely my home was not the best fit for her and that she's much less anxious now (and I got my life back.)
Count me in as another person who is giving you permission to start the rehoming process here. A few weeks after I gave my dog up I wrote a letter to her (which obviously went unsent) which helped me process my grief. Sending you care.
posted by kylej at 10:38 PM on January 9, 2023 [2 favorites]
Eventually, I reached the end of my rope (it sounds like you may be here, too) and returned her to the rescue I initially adopted her from about a year later. I didn't have the energy to try another medication, another tactic, etc. I felt a lot of guilt and sadness but also, honestly, relief. She was placed with a foster who had a small dog and that dog and my former dog got along so well she became a foster fail! I unfortunately don't get updates, but it sounds like her separation anxiety was resolved with being in a "pack" with this other pup.
While I could have taken this as evidence that I should have tried adopting another dog, frankly my finances and living situation could not have supported it. While I miss her and grieved the loss, I do think that genuinely my home was not the best fit for her and that she's much less anxious now (and I got my life back.)
Count me in as another person who is giving you permission to start the rehoming process here. A few weeks after I gave my dog up I wrote a letter to her (which obviously went unsent) which helped me process my grief. Sending you care.
posted by kylej at 10:38 PM on January 9, 2023 [2 favorites]
I have a cat who developed severe over-grooming issues. Unlike yours, his seemed to stem from an actual allergy; but they continued long after the allergenic issue was resolved, which makes me think he'd just formed a terrible habit. I wonder if the same is true of your cat - she's developed a habit in relation to you.
His issues had been on the mend, but with severe relapses - and then we got our third cat. Not our second - he doesn't care at all for her - but when we got another boy cat, he finally seemed to totally drop the overgrooming.
This doesn't seem to be because they love each other - there's no snuggling - but they do a fair amount of rambunctious play which he obviously needed.
So I nth the idea of fostering; and be prepared to foster a couple of cats in rotation to see if you can find the right fit for your girl.
posted by citands at 5:21 AM on January 10, 2023
His issues had been on the mend, but with severe relapses - and then we got our third cat. Not our second - he doesn't care at all for her - but when we got another boy cat, he finally seemed to totally drop the overgrooming.
This doesn't seem to be because they love each other - there's no snuggling - but they do a fair amount of rambunctious play which he obviously needed.
So I nth the idea of fostering; and be prepared to foster a couple of cats in rotation to see if you can find the right fit for your girl.
posted by citands at 5:21 AM on January 10, 2023
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I'm so sorry about this.
posted by praemunire at 12:32 AM on January 9, 2023 [4 favorites]