How to deal with rude colleagues?
January 7, 2023 3:10 AM Subscribe
I've started a new job and I'm lucky that my team is great, my manager is open and supportive.
However some of the budgetholders I'll have to deal with seem very nasty.
In my first week, I was instructed to send out a spreadsheet report which my manager had put together.
One budgetholder who I hadn't met sent me such a rude and nasty email back criticising the report and then when I was apologetic refused to have a meeting with me and demanded to only speak to my manager.
My manager told me this woman is a bitch and that the budgetholders that have been assigned to me are not nice people.
She was supportive and has my back but ultimately I have to meet with these budgetholders monthly and I'm feeling really scared. I have social anxiety and am quite timid and polite, so I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to handle them. At the same time I know it's a very important adult life skill and I really need the income from this job and I want to advance in my career.
I'm going to start meditating as I think that will help distance myself from the stress. Does anyone have any advice?
In my first week, I was instructed to send out a spreadsheet report which my manager had put together.
One budgetholder who I hadn't met sent me such a rude and nasty email back criticising the report and then when I was apologetic refused to have a meeting with me and demanded to only speak to my manager.
My manager told me this woman is a bitch and that the budgetholders that have been assigned to me are not nice people.
She was supportive and has my back but ultimately I have to meet with these budgetholders monthly and I'm feeling really scared. I have social anxiety and am quite timid and polite, so I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to handle them. At the same time I know it's a very important adult life skill and I really need the income from this job and I want to advance in my career.
I'm going to start meditating as I think that will help distance myself from the stress. Does anyone have any advice?
“Budgetholder” is not a role I’m familiar with, so apologies if I’m misunderstanding something. You say the report is one your manager wrote and you were merely the messenger, yes? If the budgetholder has substantive issues with the report, doesn’t it actually make sense for the person who wrote it, ie your manager, to be in those conversations?
Also, this isn’t what you asked, but it strikes me as a huge red flag that your manager is speaking about her colleagues in this way. That is not normal professional behavior. I would keep an eye out for how your manager is perceived by others at your workplace, because it may affect how you are received and what your opportunities for growth will be.
posted by eirias at 3:42 AM on January 7, 2023 [9 favorites]
Also, this isn’t what you asked, but it strikes me as a huge red flag that your manager is speaking about her colleagues in this way. That is not normal professional behavior. I would keep an eye out for how your manager is perceived by others at your workplace, because it may affect how you are received and what your opportunities for growth will be.
posted by eirias at 3:42 AM on January 7, 2023 [9 favorites]
My manager told me this woman is a bitch and that the budgetholders that have been assigned to me are not nice people.
Okay, but did she give you any background about the existing dynamic? Maybe these budgetholders are just bitter assholes who take joy in making others cry, but maybe there's a whole history of what they see as problems and legitimate complaints that is informing their behavior. If you go in with no understanding of the context and just a one-dimensional "X inherently sucks" approach, you'd just be reinforcing the antagonistic dynamic.
Your manager might not exactly be a neutral narrator here, so I'd try, at least at first, to start a fresh relationship with these people (introduce yourself, be friendly, etc.) and figure out what their actual priorities are and if they do actually have some rational concerns. I'm not saying that would justify their rudeness, but you might as well look for the root of the problem. If you've tried and they continue to be rude, and for no clear reason, then at that point you'll have more information and can decide what your approach should be.
posted by trig at 4:08 AM on January 7, 2023 [6 favorites]
Okay, but did she give you any background about the existing dynamic? Maybe these budgetholders are just bitter assholes who take joy in making others cry, but maybe there's a whole history of what they see as problems and legitimate complaints that is informing their behavior. If you go in with no understanding of the context and just a one-dimensional "X inherently sucks" approach, you'd just be reinforcing the antagonistic dynamic.
Your manager might not exactly be a neutral narrator here, so I'd try, at least at first, to start a fresh relationship with these people (introduce yourself, be friendly, etc.) and figure out what their actual priorities are and if they do actually have some rational concerns. I'm not saying that would justify their rudeness, but you might as well look for the root of the problem. If you've tried and they continue to be rude, and for no clear reason, then at that point you'll have more information and can decide what your approach should be.
posted by trig at 4:08 AM on January 7, 2023 [6 favorites]
Also, this isn’t what you asked, but it strikes me as a huge red flag that your manager is speaking about her colleagues in this way. That is not normal professional behavior. I would keep an eye out for how your manager is perceived by others at your workplace, because it may affect how you are received and what your opportunities for growth will be.
Right? I'm chatting with a potential freelance client and my new contact spoke badly of a close colleague involved in the review process. It's giving me pause about taking on their project because I wonder if this indicates a more hostile environment than I'm willing to handle, or if that same contact would happily turn and use that same term about me. I really don't need that kind of stress.
So let me get this straight: In this situation, you were simply the delivery person. Your manager created a spreadsheet, you sent it out, and now the recipient has questions about the spreadsheet itself and wants to talk directly to the person who created it.
I kind of don't fully blame this budgetholder person in this situation. If the spreadsheet has a lot of errors and needs immediate correction, I'd also ask to talk to the person who had actually created it instead of volleying questions back and forth through a well-meaning intermediary. I wouldn't attack the intermediary -- that's 100% BAD and she was bad to do this -- but I would absolutely say, hey, I'm finding a lot of issues with this, so thank you for your offer, Sunflower 88, but at this point I should probably talk directly to the person who created it so we can work through this more quickly.
I've been following your questions for some time. New jobs are hard. You are walking into an environment with a history that's unknown, and that's super stressful.
posted by mochapickle at 4:28 AM on January 7, 2023 [3 favorites]
Right? I'm chatting with a potential freelance client and my new contact spoke badly of a close colleague involved in the review process. It's giving me pause about taking on their project because I wonder if this indicates a more hostile environment than I'm willing to handle, or if that same contact would happily turn and use that same term about me. I really don't need that kind of stress.
So let me get this straight: In this situation, you were simply the delivery person. Your manager created a spreadsheet, you sent it out, and now the recipient has questions about the spreadsheet itself and wants to talk directly to the person who created it.
I kind of don't fully blame this budgetholder person in this situation. If the spreadsheet has a lot of errors and needs immediate correction, I'd also ask to talk to the person who had actually created it instead of volleying questions back and forth through a well-meaning intermediary. I wouldn't attack the intermediary -- that's 100% BAD and she was bad to do this -- but I would absolutely say, hey, I'm finding a lot of issues with this, so thank you for your offer, Sunflower 88, but at this point I should probably talk directly to the person who created it so we can work through this more quickly.
I've been following your questions for some time. New jobs are hard. You are walking into an environment with a history that's unknown, and that's super stressful.
posted by mochapickle at 4:28 AM on January 7, 2023 [3 favorites]
Sounds like there could be a battle going on between the budgetholders and your manager, and you're caught in the crossfire. It looks like it is possibly a situation where the bad guy holds a baby in front of himself so the good guys can't shoot him. Your manager's motive for being "supportive" might be to ensure that you remain the baby shield. I think it is the manager who the budgetholders are frustrated with, not you, but your manager has set it up so you take the heat for her incompetence so she doesn't have to. I think if you just hang in there, it is possible that once the budgetholders get to know you better and learn that you are competent, things will smooth out.
posted by SageTrail at 5:28 AM on January 7, 2023 [6 favorites]
posted by SageTrail at 5:28 AM on January 7, 2023 [6 favorites]
Seconding that your manager is handling this poorly and should have your back!
That said, I deal with rude colleagues by pretending they have not been rude to me. Here's a previous AskMe comment where I described this strategy. My theory is that people who are rude like this at work are looking for a reaction. They want you to be upset and apologetic. When I've dealt with people like this, they usually ramp up the behavior at first in response but then eventually stop, because they've learned it's not getting them the result they want (basically an extinction burst, which amusingly I learned about in the context of pet training).
So, for your example:
-Rude budgetholder refuses to meet with you, demands to meet with boss
-First, reach out to your boss. "Hey, Jane is refusing to meet with me and only wants to talk to you. Should I get the two of you some time, or push back?"
-If boss says to push back, you go back to rude budgetholder and say "Hi! Boss can't meet with you but I'm happy to meet. I'll send you a calendar hold. Let me know if you'd prefer a different time."
-Rude budgetholder: "ARGBLRBGLABRBGLRBA!"
-You: "Hi! I'm looping in Boss to confirm she can't join the meeting. cc: Boss"
I think your instinct to be polite is the right one! Here, you're still being polite and friendly, you're just being polite and friendly while pretending that the rude person is acting normal.
posted by capricorn at 9:32 AM on January 7, 2023 [8 favorites]
That said, I deal with rude colleagues by pretending they have not been rude to me. Here's a previous AskMe comment where I described this strategy. My theory is that people who are rude like this at work are looking for a reaction. They want you to be upset and apologetic. When I've dealt with people like this, they usually ramp up the behavior at first in response but then eventually stop, because they've learned it's not getting them the result they want (basically an extinction burst, which amusingly I learned about in the context of pet training).
So, for your example:
-Rude budgetholder refuses to meet with you, demands to meet with boss
-First, reach out to your boss. "Hey, Jane is refusing to meet with me and only wants to talk to you. Should I get the two of you some time, or push back?"
-If boss says to push back, you go back to rude budgetholder and say "Hi! Boss can't meet with you but I'm happy to meet. I'll send you a calendar hold. Let me know if you'd prefer a different time."
-Rude budgetholder: "ARGBLRBGLABRBGLRBA!"
-You: "Hi! I'm looping in Boss to confirm she can't join the meeting. cc: Boss"
I think your instinct to be polite is the right one! Here, you're still being polite and friendly, you're just being polite and friendly while pretending that the rude person is acting normal.
posted by capricorn at 9:32 AM on January 7, 2023 [8 favorites]
my manager is open and supportive
Are they? I can't imagine throwing somebody into this dynamic at all, much less one week in.
Part of the job as a manager is to have your team's backs. If I ask a person on my team to go to another person or team and they get some sort of pushback, I'm stepping in. Somebody sends a person on my team a "rude and nasty" email, they and likely their entire management chain will hear from me.
Leaving people to twist in the wind is unprofessional and the opposite of "supportive." My job is to empower people to get shit done, and to look out for them.
When a job has involved difficult personalities I've usually managed those relationships myself if I expect unprofessional behavior. A few jobs ago we had a few people who were just chronically chaotic and demanding. I always handled or was in the loop on their work, it never fell to my team to cope with their issues.
Again, I definitely wouldn't throw someone into that early on. It definitely sounds like you're being used here, not like you're being supported.
Also agreeing that it's unprofessional as hell if your boss told you a co-worker is a bitch, in those words. I might let on that a person can be difficult but that's just not right, even if the description fits.
posted by jzb at 12:54 PM on January 7, 2023 [1 favorite]
Are they? I can't imagine throwing somebody into this dynamic at all, much less one week in.
Part of the job as a manager is to have your team's backs. If I ask a person on my team to go to another person or team and they get some sort of pushback, I'm stepping in. Somebody sends a person on my team a "rude and nasty" email, they and likely their entire management chain will hear from me.
Leaving people to twist in the wind is unprofessional and the opposite of "supportive." My job is to empower people to get shit done, and to look out for them.
When a job has involved difficult personalities I've usually managed those relationships myself if I expect unprofessional behavior. A few jobs ago we had a few people who were just chronically chaotic and demanding. I always handled or was in the loop on their work, it never fell to my team to cope with their issues.
Again, I definitely wouldn't throw someone into that early on. It definitely sounds like you're being used here, not like you're being supported.
Also agreeing that it's unprofessional as hell if your boss told you a co-worker is a bitch, in those words. I might let on that a person can be difficult but that's just not right, even if the description fits.
posted by jzb at 12:54 PM on January 7, 2023 [1 favorite]
Wow, if your boss literally called someone “a bitch” at work that’s a huge red flag on your boss. To me it sounds like your boss has thrown you in the middle of their own conflict with this other person.
What about the email was rude? (Hopefully no misogynistic slurs!) Criticizing a report if there are errors isn’t rude, and asking to speak to the person who made the errors isn’t either. Shooting the messenger is certainly rude but again, your boss put you in that position.
Can your boss do the first meeting with you and then you can take over?
posted by kapers at 2:23 PM on January 7, 2023 [1 favorite]
What about the email was rude? (Hopefully no misogynistic slurs!) Criticizing a report if there are errors isn’t rude, and asking to speak to the person who made the errors isn’t either. Shooting the messenger is certainly rude but again, your boss put you in that position.
Can your boss do the first meeting with you and then you can take over?
posted by kapers at 2:23 PM on January 7, 2023 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Sorry, I just have to respond here.
The budgetholder's email was incredibly rude, disrespectful and was a long rant about how I was wrong. She honestly sounds a bit unhinged. She knew I was new and had only started recently.
On top of this, she ignored all my emails after this and emailed asking to see my line manager directly. My line manager was firm and said she needs to see me, but she just cancelled the meeting and it didn't happen that month.
I know it was unprofessional of my line manager to say the bitch thing but she seems very authentic and supportive and even said I can't handle these budgetholders she will take them off me somehow. These budgetholders legitimately seem very nasty and I believe my manager.
She has agreed to attend this month's meetings with me. She has also been clear that she is there to support me. But also she expects me to eventually handle these people on my own, which I am terrified of and which is what my post was about.
I think the ways in which my manager hasn't been great is that my training has been abysmal and they've openly admitted throwing me into the deep end. So this makes my encounters with budgetholders in the initial meetings, even more daunting.
posted by Sunflower88 at 2:52 PM on January 7, 2023
The budgetholder's email was incredibly rude, disrespectful and was a long rant about how I was wrong. She honestly sounds a bit unhinged. She knew I was new and had only started recently.
On top of this, she ignored all my emails after this and emailed asking to see my line manager directly. My line manager was firm and said she needs to see me, but she just cancelled the meeting and it didn't happen that month.
I know it was unprofessional of my line manager to say the bitch thing but she seems very authentic and supportive and even said I can't handle these budgetholders she will take them off me somehow. These budgetholders legitimately seem very nasty and I believe my manager.
She has agreed to attend this month's meetings with me. She has also been clear that she is there to support me. But also she expects me to eventually handle these people on my own, which I am terrified of and which is what my post was about.
I think the ways in which my manager hasn't been great is that my training has been abysmal and they've openly admitted throwing me into the deep end. So this makes my encounters with budgetholders in the initial meetings, even more daunting.
posted by Sunflower88 at 2:52 PM on January 7, 2023
Ugh, I'm sorry you're stuck in this situation. My advice is to try to remain polite, distant, and professional. Cc your manager on emails to this person. Try not to take the attacks from budgetholder personally, because they aren't, it sounds like they'd lash out at literally anyone doing your job. As for some general advice, in terms of confidence, a lot of it is 'fake it til you make it.' you're new at your job, it's ok to have questions and need assistance with unfamiliar tasks. Don't apologize. Instead of 'sorry' reframe as 'thank you'- thank you for your patience, than you for your assistance, etc. Lastly, are there any junior colleagues around your level you could try to start up a workplace friendship with? That can help with confidence, easing stress, and learning workplace culture. If you're new you can just ask people for short 1:1 introductory meetings.
posted by emd3737 at 3:23 AM on January 8, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by emd3737 at 3:23 AM on January 8, 2023 [4 favorites]
So this may be something you'll have to learn from experience rather than advice, but this mindset: "it was unprofessional of my line manager... but she seems very authentic and supportive....[they] legitimately seem very nasty and I believe my manager" is one that is going to bring a lot of unnecessary drama and agita to your professional life. How long have you been at this job and you're already taking sides in a petty feud between your manager and a colleague? This isn't a reality TV show, you do not need this mean girl ish at work, I promise you.
The way to deal with rude colleagues is to be professional and polite. The more rude they are, the more professional and polite you should be. (Not including tolerating outright name-calling or slurs, please, take those to HR or an appropriate regulatory agency.) Stay focused on the facts and on the job. emd3737 is right about the thank yous: "Thank you for catching that error, I'll correct it right away." "Thanks for your patience while I finalized these numbers." "I appreciate your suggestion, let me discuss it with my team and I'll get back to you." "I'm happy to reschedule our meeting, let me know your availability and I will make it a priority." Etc. There's few industries where being known as the polite person who gets their job done without a lot of drama will be a bad look for you, and it's the best way to cover your ass in case you run into a real sticky wicket. Which leads me to...
Is this budgetholder just an asshole? Maybe. Or maybe they're frustrated because your department keeps sending them error-filled spreadsheets then passing the buck to half-trained newbies, making their job way harder. You get that your manager threw you under the bus here, right? She made the mistakes, but refused to take any responsibility for them; in the meantime, she's given you insufficient training and practical support to do the job for which you've been hired, while also shit-talking a colleague behind their backs. And she's got you convinced she's your buddy. Maybe I'm off base, but if you ever do get that meeting with that budgetholder, I'd recommend being the nicest, most respectful, eager-to-learn junior employee they've even met. Just in case.
posted by radiogreentea at 2:58 PM on January 8, 2023 [2 favorites]
The way to deal with rude colleagues is to be professional and polite. The more rude they are, the more professional and polite you should be. (Not including tolerating outright name-calling or slurs, please, take those to HR or an appropriate regulatory agency.) Stay focused on the facts and on the job. emd3737 is right about the thank yous: "Thank you for catching that error, I'll correct it right away." "Thanks for your patience while I finalized these numbers." "I appreciate your suggestion, let me discuss it with my team and I'll get back to you." "I'm happy to reschedule our meeting, let me know your availability and I will make it a priority." Etc. There's few industries where being known as the polite person who gets their job done without a lot of drama will be a bad look for you, and it's the best way to cover your ass in case you run into a real sticky wicket. Which leads me to...
Is this budgetholder just an asshole? Maybe. Or maybe they're frustrated because your department keeps sending them error-filled spreadsheets then passing the buck to half-trained newbies, making their job way harder. You get that your manager threw you under the bus here, right? She made the mistakes, but refused to take any responsibility for them; in the meantime, she's given you insufficient training and practical support to do the job for which you've been hired, while also shit-talking a colleague behind their backs. And she's got you convinced she's your buddy. Maybe I'm off base, but if you ever do get that meeting with that budgetholder, I'd recommend being the nicest, most respectful, eager-to-learn junior employee they've even met. Just in case.
posted by radiogreentea at 2:58 PM on January 8, 2023 [2 favorites]
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My manager told me this woman is a bitch
Okay, and then what did she do? When the budgetholder said that she would not let you do your job and that your manager would have to do your job instead of you, what did your manager do? Did she tell the budgetholder "No, that's not what's going to happen, you are going to meet with Sunflower88 monthly, and if this is a problem, then I will speak to your manager and we will iron it out."? Because that's what she should have done. That is what being supportive and having your back is. And it saves your manager time and effort too, so if that's how you have to sell her on making other people do their jobs, then maybe that'll work.
"Manager, budgetholder refuses to provide me with the information I need to do my job, which means you can't do your job. Shall I speak to budgetholder's supervisor, or is that more appropriate for your pay grade?"
posted by Etrigan at 3:33 AM on January 7, 2023 [15 favorites]